Radiation: Done?

Today I met again with Dr. Morris. My burn is worse today than ever before, and this is to be expected given that the side effects lag by 1-2 weeks after treatments. She looked at me, and said "I think we need to stop."

I tried to talk her out of it, telling her that I didn't come this far only to quit, and that I could take 7 more days of anything so that I could look myself in the eye knowing that I have done EVERYTHING possible to live without recurrance. 7 days of hell is one thing, but I don't plan on dying from this disease. I was very, very clear with Dr. Morris that I was tougher than radiation, and if it took toughing it out, I could manage. (I should add...I can manage because of lovely, lovely Percocet. I understand why people become addicted to this drug...it makes the intolerable tolerable. After one day's use I'm no addict but Ryan's got his eye on me!)

In any case, Dr. Morris listened, but she gave me some compelling reasons to stop. She is Harvard educated, and says that there are two Harvard hospitals across the street from one another (perhaps *susan* will know the names; I've forgotten). One of the hospitals prescribes 45 Grays of radiation, and the other hospital prescribes 50 Grays. Dr. Morris came from the 50 Grays hospital, so that's what I was signed up to do, but there is no evidence to suggest that 50 is better than 45 or vice versa. I have completed 46.8 Grays - right in between these two standards. Because I have met the minimum, and even exceeded it slightly, Dr. Morris feels that there is no significant advantage to continuing with full field radiation, and I am stopping radiation two treatments shy of the total.

I still have 5 radiation boosts scheduled (these are done to the scar line, but not the whole treatment area) and I will go in on Monday to see whether I'm healed enough to treat. It is uncertain as to whether we will move forward with the boosts or not, based on how I heal (or not).

I think that I am comfortable with these decisions. My skin is a wreck and more disgusting than I thought possible, and there is a very real concern that further radiation would bring on a dangerous infection; at some point, the risks far outweigh the potential benefits. We are at that point now.

So, I am slathering up with an antibiotic, and doing saline rinses three times a day, and Burrows compresses three times a day, and Biafine four times a day, and airing it out as much as possible....and taking Percocet regularly. Hopefully by Monday I will be healed enough to move forward and do the boost, but if not, I will try again on Wednesday. If on Wednesday it's not healed enough, then I will be done.

Dr. Morris promises me that she thinks that we have done more than enough. She said that what's evident on my skin is evidence of what's happening to any stray cancer cells, and that any cancer cells that have escaped radiation thus far are probably radiation resistant anyway.

Today I officially cancelled (well, postponed) my mastectomy, as well. I'll do it when I do reconstruction on the right side, in the fall or winter of next year. Instead, I'll do the less intense oopharectomy this spring, and cross that off the list.

What a day. These decisions are truly life and death, and exhausting. I think I've chosen well, and I will be able to live with my decision. As a matter of fact, I plan on living with it until I'm 100.

Love,
Kristina