I am really struggling right now. My radiation burn is getting worse and worse, and aside from being truly disgusting, it's very painful. Today, after my 4 day break from radiation, I walked into the radiation area and the receptionist saw the look on my face and said, "I think you need to see a doctor." I agreed, and they sent me back to the room. When the nurse came in to look at my burn, I burst into tears.
The doctor told me that I could stop radiation now because I'm so burned. I refused. I've looked into it, and it's not a good idea, because then I wouldn't get radiation's benefits. It's sort of like taking antibiotics: you need to take the full dosage to get the benefits.
Instead, I got all kinds of new ointments and treatments, along with a stronger prescription for Percocet to take all day every day if I need it.
Physically, it hurts more than I imagined. Mentally, I'm struggling too. I have been doing this for so long now, with few breaks, and it's starting to catch up with me. This disease is so freaking brutal....but the treatment is downright medievel, really.
I only have 7 more treatments, and only 2 of these are to the whole chest, as the other 5 are boosts. I will survive through them, but please forgive me if I see you and act like a witch because I'm truly at my limit right now.
I am postponing my mastectomy. For one thing, with a burn this bad, it won't be healed by the surgery date, and if they put tape on my dressings it would go on the painful side....totally unacceptable. For another thing, my risk of infection is higher becasue of the intensity of the burn. Most importantly, though, I mentally just can't take it right now. I'm at the end of my rope, and I need a break. Desperately.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I feel negative, and I know I'm whining. But I'm truthful on this blog, if nothing else, so I'm sharing this.
And a note to anyone reading this who is/might be going through radiation: I am NOT a usual case. DO NOT expect this to happen to you...I just won the unlucky radiation lottery, it seems. Many people go through it with only a slight pinkening of the chest, and are just fine.
I'll post something positive soon, but for now, that's it, folks. Thank you for reading, and for caring. If you have something nice to say to me, today would be a great day to share it, because I will take all the uplift I can get.
Love,
Kristina
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2 comments:
I am so sad to hear how awful radiation is for you. I was hoping it would start to improve. Feel sorry for yourself and take it easy- you haven't been doing much of either until now- so indulge! My prayers are with you tonight and every night. I am so anxious for you to have this behind you. Some day soon we can talk about this crappy treatment in the past tense!
Linda
I think feeling sorry for yourself is just the thing to do right now. ;-) You've been through hell (there's no other word for it, unfortunately). You will come out of it, you will finish, and you will put this behind you. I know you will. Lisa from Ovusoft
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