It's official... Diagnosis

Here are some things that I am grateful for:

1. I am married to the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most loyal, smart, handsome man that I have ever met. I am so grateful that he is my partner in all things.

2. We have the most beautiful, incredible, passionate, bright, loving daughter that I could ever have dreamed of, and she gives so much meaning and light to my life.

3. I have the best friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I have known great love since the day I was born.

4. We have excellent health insurance, a wonderful home, and financial security.

5. We live in a city known for its excellent cancer treatment programs.

Here's something I'm not grateful for:

1. I have breast cancer.

The list of things that I am grateful for is so much longer than the list of things I'm upset about, and I will try to remember that in the hard months ahead.

I received a telephone call a short time ago from a nurse at Swedish. It is official that I have breast cancer in both lumps in my left breast; it's uncertain yet what the results of the lymph node biopsy are (fingers crossed for that). Tomorrow I will meet with a surgeon to discuss removing what needs removing and a plan of treatment, and also get further testing to see if the cancer has moved into my bones or other parts of my body. They have a scale of agressiveness for cancers, from 1 (not agressive) to 9 (very agressive). My cancer is rated a 6-7. That is all I know right now.

I need you. I need your thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure that I'm going to need help around the house and help with Tessa. As I write this a friend is caring for Tessa and giving her lunch, and Tessa is singing her ABCs and wiggling around with excitement because her little friend is here too. As much as I would rather be the one giving support than receiving it, I will humbly accept the support that is offered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Please include Ryan in your prayers. This disease impacts our entire family - him almost as much as me. He needs to go on bike rides, to go bowling with the guys, and to have mindless nights of playing Xbox in order to keep strong to be a support to myself and Tessa. Please keep Tessa in your prayers. She needs to have a carefree heart, to feel secure in the idea that her parents will always be there for her, and she needs to feel free to be two (and beyond). And please pray for me, that I can face this head on, with a clear mind, optimism and faith in my heart. Please pray that Ryan and I can be strong for Tessa.
We will beat this thing. We will kick it and punch it and scratch it and bite it until it screams for mercy and retreats, never to be seen again. I refuse to discuss any mortality issues (and nobody knows anything right now anyway) - I plan to clap wildly at my daughter's college graduation, to dance at her wedding, and to cry happy tears as I watch a grandchild take his or her first step. I plan to retire with Ryan, surround by our friends and family, traveling the world and enjoying our friends and family, with lots of dinner parties, wine tastings, bike rides, fun runs, hikes, and walks on the beach. I plan to write that novel, and to publish short stories. This next year is going to be rough, but we will beat it. I am not a quitter.

My dear, wonderful friend Susan has agreed to be a coordinator for help. If you would like to offer something to us (you are by no means obligated but offers have come at me already and I don't have my head around what I need yet), please email Susan at susanl@microsoft.com or call her home number, (425) 392-2674.

Please keep phone calls to a minimum because I have a hard time talking about this and being strong for Tessa at the same time. Email is great for me right now. Call to say hi, call to say "Let's go to Alki!" but please don't ask how I'm doing right now. I WILL be fine, but I'm a bit of a mess right now!

I will continue to send email updates as I hear more - it's therapeutic for me, so thank you for reading this. If there is someone I should include on this list, please let me know and I'll add them.

With love and gratitude,
Kristina

PS Plan on Race for the Cure with me next year! http://www.komen.org/Events/find_race.aspx?nodeID=356