Tuesday

This morning, after a case of the toddler tantrums, Tessa and I finally had a lovely time at the "tot lot" (a playground designed especially for toddlers) with our PEPS friends. Four of the seven PEPS moms are pregnant and I'm having a lot of fun hearing about their pregnancies and experiencing them vicariously. I really enjoyed being pregnant, for the most part, and it's fun to relive those moments. Right now I have seven pregnant friends (Natasha, Krystal, Shannon, Lynn, Heather, Susie, Linda) and it's fun to watch their burgeoning bellies and to dream about their children. I am delighted to share in their lives, and it gives me happiness to think of the babies that are soon to come. In particular, I'm excited to meet my newest nephew, Joshua Peter. It is a great reminder in our family that, despite cancer and chaos, life goes on and there is a great deal of joy in the world. Joshua will be born around August 25th and you may be certain that I'll be telling my doctors to work my schedule around his birth....I wouldn't miss seeing him at the hospital when he's fresh and new for all the world.

It's also, however, surreal to be surrounded by the beauty of pregnancy and new life when my own body is falling apart. My friends are breastfeeding, and I am having my breasts removed. My friends are the ESSENCE of fertility, and I am about to have my ovaries removed. These women are the epitome of health and vibrancy, and I'm about to lose my hair, toss my cookies, lose toenails and fingernails, have a suppressed immune system, be covered with surgical scars, and see doctors more than I see my own parents. It hardly seems possible that this could be happening to me. I'm not complaining, exactly, I'm just trying to say that it is surreal. It does not feel like this is MY life...surely, there has been some mistake? Only three years ago I was the vibrant pregnant lady, glowing with love for the child growing inside me, and so full of optimism. I don't miss being pregnant, and indeed we're totally happy with our little family....but it's a tough juxtaposition of my ill health against all this vibrancy.

Last night I went to the Young Suvivor's Coalition meeting in Seattle. I met a number of women who are either in or recently out of treatment, all of whom are 40 years or younger. Their positive attitudes, intelligent questions, and humor were amazing to me. I intend to return to their meetings, as it was a very positive experience for me.

Today I'm unusually tired. Last night I dreamed that the cancer had metastasized into my bones and that I was dying very soon (within days). This is not a subject worthy of discussion, I'm sure it's just my brain trying to process information, but it did not make for restful sleep. I can (mostly) control my fears in the light, but when I sleep they sneak in on me, unbidden, and wreak havoc with my sanity.

I'm sorry that this update is so dark...that was not my intention. Generally, I am doing well, I'm just tired today and I think that's impacting my attitude. I'll have a happier update later today or tomorrow.

Love,
Kristina