Yesterday I did my usual, only more so, and wore myself out. However, I wasn't as horrifically bone tired as I've been in the past from wearing myself out, so I believe that I'm turning the corner and my healing is really working.

Yesterday morning we ran errands (including the trip to Trader Joe's) and hung out, and then in the afternoon Michele picked me up and we went shopping at University Village. I hadn't been there in a LONG time and had fun poking around the new shops and catching up with Michele. Then, in the evening, while Ryan was at his massage (which he truly enjoyed) Michele stayed over to help out and we made fondue...not exactly low fat and healthy but it was what I was feeling like having and I enjoyed every calorie laden mouthful.

Michele asked me what my greatest fear is right now. I will say it here, but I don't want to talk about it, because I'm practicing optimism and what I'm about to say isn't optimistic in the slightest. My greatest fear is that if I die in the next couple of years, my beautiful daughter will have no memory of me and how much I adore and love her. Today, I am her world and she's quite a mama's girl, but if I disappeared she would soon lose all memory of me. That is the worst thing in the world that I can think of, and therefore my greatest fear. My words here are stilted and awkward, because my thinking on this matter is awkward and emotional.

There. I said it. Maybe by saying it I will have exercised the demon of that fear. I still plan to live to be 100, and nothing less is acceptable to me right now.

Today I have an appointment with the surgeon at 2pm, and I'm hoping against hope that they take teh *%@)+@ drain out. I've grown to loathe it, it's slightly infected, and it keeps me up at night. I suspect that they will remove it because of the low amounts of fluid coming out at this time...wish me luck!

This morning at 10am my beloved Susan is coming to visit and to chat, and Caley will take Tessa to the park so that we can catch up. Hurrah! I can't wait to see Susan, and to assure her that I am truly well...she's a worrier, and I know she's worried. ;-) (Love you, Susie-Q!)

My lovely in-laws are coming to visit today, and I'm looking forward to seeing them. Many people joke about their in-laws and what a hassle it is to have them around, etc., but I adore mine. They are kind, thoughtful, unobtrusive, smart, and funny, and I really enjoy their company. I'm looking forward to seeing them for myself, but also on Ryan's behalf as I know he can use his own support team these days.

Tomorrow is the "big" appointment with the oncologist...meaning, really, only that it's my first appointment with her, and that I'm hoping to see my course of treatment. Will my chemo be once a month? Once a week? What drugs will I be given? How long will treatment last? Will I get radiation (I am told that I "probably" will)? What are the side effects of my particular chemo drugs? And, most importantly, what day is my LAST day of treatment? I'm ready to start the countdown, and I want to know what number to begin with. I am fully aware that this last question is irrelevant because nobody really knows how my treatment will go but I just want a plan to begin with. I'm tired of limbo.

Yesterday I exchanged some emails with a friend of Alice's (hi, Gretchen!); she's just had a mastectomy as well and has experienced some of the same things I've been going through. It is helpful to talk to someone who really understands the process. I have held off on talking to other survivors until now, but maybe I'm ready to reach out and talk to other women about what's real about this process, and to share the journey.

One of these days I plan to sit down and write something more thoughtful than my ramblings, or to take time to really craft my messages, but today, as usual, there are things to be done. Caley & Tessa are upstairs wondering where I am, and the guest bed must be made up, and life goes on....and that's actually comforting. The little things remind me that life really does go on, and that some things never change.

More later,
Kristina