BENIGN!

Just got the good news - ready to celebrate!

Huge sigh of relief. :-)

Fresh

I woke up today feeling human.

And optimistic.

Oh, how I have missed my optimism.

My thyroid meds might be working, I might get excellent news from pathology, and I might be able to move on with the business of living.

Today, I am embracing life and tossing the painkillers - the pain is to quite manageable levels and in the afternoon when it flares I'm going to take Motrin instead of the dizzy-inducing meds that were prescribed.

Carpe diem, family and friends. And my greatest love to all of you for loving me.

A mother's care

Today I am the recipient of my mom's care. In addition to vacuuming and putting away dishes she is currently on a run to pick me up some won ton soup.

Best of all is just having her here, telling me that she loves me, and supporting me.

I'm doing okay, up and down still but in the expected way. A little burst of energy and the thought "oh good I'm better already!" followed by "ohhh I'm a bit dizzy and I think I'll sit down again..."

Lots more herbal tea, wearing my favorite pajamas.

No news from the doctor yet, and not expecting anything 'til tomorrow at earliest.

Home from surgery

Things looked good, so I'm relieved, but also awaiting the final pathology.

Uncomfortable and groggy but glad to be home. Thank you for your continued well wishes.

Grateful for my friends and family.
xoxox

Surgery tomorrow

Well, I had an eventful morning! I met with the new neck surgeon (my surgeon from September is apparently in the Army, and he is serving in Afghanistan right now - please send him kind thoughts and prayers) and we talked about my lumpy nodes.

There is no way to tell if they are benign or malignant without removing them. After debating pros and cons, discussing medical history, and evaluating risks, we decided to remove them. The surgeon thinks they'll be benign, but there is only one way to tell. I am scheduled for surgery at Swedish tomorrow to have them removed.

It's a short surgery, out-patient. I'll be home in the afternoon.

I must get my head around this....yikes. I'm glad to put it behind me. I am starting to believe that it will be benign, that I will wake up with this chapter closed and a new - HEALTHY - one begun.

Continued thoughts, prayers, and white light are appreciated. Thank you!

Thank you to my team - you know who you are. Heather for driving me today, Laurie for taking Tessa early and getting her to school.....and everyone who has promised to help. I could never do this alone, and I am so grateful to all of you.

A long day

Today was filled with surprises.

I started the day not too anxious about my doctor's appointment - I knew my thyroid numbers, and now it was just time to correct them.

Surprise, surprise. The doctor felt my neck, and was concerned about a nodule on one side. We had a brief discussion about thyroid cancer. Immediate scans necessary. Next week? No, I can't wait that long. Today? Yes. And schedule a needle biopsy for tomorow - oh boy.

So I waited around, walked around Capitol Hill, and then spent a good part of the afternoon on the ultrasound table, craning my neck at unnatural angles.

The result? Hashimoto's thyroiditis, NOT thyroid cancer. Revised medication,a nd a follow up appointment. Canceling tomorrow's thyroid biopsy.

And this was supposed to be the easy day, but I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow I will meet with the neck surgeon to discuss my "real" problem of neck lumps. Let's hope it goes smoother, but ends just as well.

Winding down the weekend

This afternoon I feel so tired that it's like I took a sleeping pill. What's up with that?

I did what I am calling "cleaning therapy" at our new church today. A scrub brush and a bottle of (home made/green) cleaning stuff and I was off and going. I understand that at some ashrams in India the people scrub floors for hours a day, and while I wouldn't want to do that full time, there is indeed something to it.

(Meanwhile, at my own house, balls of dog hair are rolling around like tumbleweeds.)

I'm not tired because of the work, though, I'm just tired. All this worrying and waiting simply wears me out.

But on to happier things...
Our new church makes me happy. Tall windows, light streaming in. High ceilings. Rooms for the children to play safely. Places to put up children's artwork. A lovely office with a view of the water for Rev. Peg, and another for Shannon and Kari (RE). Spaces for groups to meet, spaces for parties, spaces for intimate chats, spaces for quiet contemplation.

I sat in the sanctuary today and reveled in it. Despite the mustard color on the walls and the faded pink carpet and the laminate pews....I fell in love. I see light, space, community, not bad paint. (Although I have volunteered to paint - trust me, mustard is not my color.)

There is a lot of work to do before we get to move in to our new building, and the first services will not be until September. The anticipation is lovely.

Our new church home

http://westseattleblog.com/2010/04/a-home-of-their-own-westside-unitarians-get-keys-to-new-church

WSUU has OFFICIALLY purchased a building, and I'm so happy about it. This morning we can't go to services to share the excitement because Ryan's on a bike ride and Tessa is dealing with a stomach bug :-( but this afternoon I'm going to attend the cleaning party. The West Seattle Blog article has lots of pictures and is (as usual) a well written article, so check it out.

And me? I'm doing a bit better than the rest of the week. Still scared, but my optimism is returning and I am grateful for that. I didn't even take a Xanax yesterday.

Inability to sleep

I have been up for a couple of hours now.

This is not a good thing.

Lump appointment

1) Still have lumps, no changes. The onc's gut says that everything is fine, but we of course are following up. I have an appointment with a neck surgeon on Tuesday morning to discuss scans, surgery, or ?? (Boy do I hope that he's got something wonderful behind door number three. I am sick of scans, worried about all the radiation I keep receiving, and more-than-tired of surgery.) I just want this done with QUICKLY. I'm tired of living in anxiety-land.

2) My thyroid levels are way, way, way off. I've been hypo thyroid since 1989 and I get tested every few months, but something radical has changed and now I'm hyperthyroid and my test results are wacky. Apparently, in addition to other things, this can cause anxiety. So, I'm not crazy for feeling crazy. I'm to go off my thyroid meds immediately and I have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Monday morning. This is not related to the lumps in any way, but an incidental finding from my blood work.

I am grateful for girlfriends who hold my hand through these appointments. This is not fun.

I am grateful for all of you here, too. Thank you for caring about me.

Feeding Ourselves and Our Children

I'm distracting myself - let's see if it works.
-------------------------------------

Today I read this in the New York Times:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/28/six-meaningless-claims-on-food-labels/?apage=2#comments
and this:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/20/when-kids-eat-what-they-watch/?src=tp

I find the comments on such articles as interesting as the articles themselves. I recognize that the NYT is more elitist than not, so it's not a cross section of America, but it's a starting place.

It is no surprise to me that I fall on the far end of the food debate. I'm not the most extreme (yes, Tessa knows what Oreos are, and she loves them, and I let her eat them....at other peoples houses) but I'm towards that end. No surprise to anyone who knows me, and I know my own biases.

What I am saddened by is that more people do not share these biases.

What's my main food philosophy? I'll take the words from Michael Pollan: Eat foods. Mostly plants. Not too much.

I think that this applies quadruply to children. Just watching how Tessa grows, both physically, intellectually, and emotionally, lets me know that he body is undergoing incredible changes and needs all the support it can get. Not only is she developing habits to last her a lifetime, she is developing a body to last her a lifetime. I take that pretty seriously: it is my job to give her the best body I can.

There are so many components to nutrition that I worry about, including ethical sourcing of food, organic, and the like. But even more important that that, I think is that she needs to eat food. Not food like substances, but real food.

-----------

I recently stopped buying Kashi TLC crackers. I have liked them for years - they taste good, they have whole grains in them, they're high in fiber. But looking further at their ingredients:
Unbleached Wheat Flour, Kashi Seven Whole Grain and Sesame Flour (Whole: Oats, Hard Red Winter Wheat, Rye, Long Grain Brown Rice, Triticale, Barley, Buckwheat, Sesame Seeds), Expeller Pressed Sunflower Oil, Evaporated Cane Juice, Toasted Whole Wheat, Toasted Sesame Seeds, Wehat Bran, Contains two percent or less of Brown Rice Syrup, Stone Ground Whole Wheat Flour, Sea Salt, Malt Extract, Yellow Corn Meal, Millet, Onion Powder, Horseradish Powder, Rice Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Natural Leavenings (Potassium Bicarbonate, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate), Whey
...makes me question.

The very first ingredient is processed flour. The grains are good (and what drew me to the crackers in the first place). Evaporated cane juice is just sugar, so is brown rice syrup. More research:
http://www.goodguide.com/products/224047-kashi-tlc-crackers-original-7-grain
Not harmful, but doesn't exactly come across like health food.

And what is sodium acid pyrophosphate?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disodium_pyrophosphate
Or monocalcium phosphate?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monocalcium_phosphate
The first line for the wikipedia definition of monocalcium phosphate reads:
Monocalcium phosphate is a chemical compound with the formula Ca(H2PO4)2. It is commonly found as the monohydrate, Ca(H2PO4)2·H2O.

Okay, seriously? Is that what I want to eat? Is this food, or a food-like-substance? Why does "health food" need chemicals in it?

I used to eat Luna bars. Here is the ingredients list for Nutz Over Chocolate:
LunaPro (TM) (soy rice crisp [soy protein isolate, rice flour], organic oats, organic soy flour, organic roasted soybeans, organic milled flaxseed), brown rice syrup, Coating (organic evaporated cane juice, palm kernel oil, cocoa, inulin, soy lecithin, natural vanilla), vegetable glycerin, organic peanut butter, inulin, peanut flour, natural flavors, sea salt, geen tea extract.Vitamins & Minerals: calcium carbonate, dicalcium phosphate, magnesium oxide, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), alpha-tocophero
Now, let me go to the kitchen to whip some of those up. Where is my soy protein isolate? And my inulin? (What is inulin, anyway?) And glycerin? (Oh, I have glycerin. In the bathroom. It's called SOAP.)

This list makes me lose my appetite.

--------------
Feeding myself is complicated enough. I aim for a mainly plant based diet, with occassional ethically sourced, sustainably raised meat. I hope to eat mostly whole grains, unprocessed foods. I shop at "healthy" grocery stores, and I try to stick to the health foods aisles. Kashi and Clif (the manufacturer of Luna bars) are actually among the higher-scoring companies for healthy items, and if you ask me, they're falling short. I can't count on the "healthy" companies to take care of me.

But throw the likes and dislikes of a seven year old into the mix, and it's much, much harder.

Everywhere we go, we see messages about food-like-substances. Cereals, cookies, crackers, bars, and packaged dinners that are designed to be appealing to children. Chicken in the shape of dinosaurs, for example, includes these ingredients:
Chicken breast with rib meat, water, dried whole eggs, seasoning (salt, onion powder, modified corn starch, natural flavor), and sodium phosphates. BREADED WITH: Enriched unbleached wheat flour (enriched with niacin, ferrous sulfate, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), water, dextrose, iodized salt, yellow corn flour, modified corn starch, dried whey, soy flour, sugar, spices, caramel color, garlic powder, methylcellulose, oleoresin paprika, spice extractive. Breading set in vegetable oil.
Of the 23 ingredients listed, only 12 look like real foods to me (and I'm counting water, spices, and oleoresin paprika in there, even though I have no idea what oleoresin means). That means that 11 ingredients aren't even real ingredients....they're food-like substances. And I'm not even getting into ethical sourcing, or organics, or processing.

As a stay at home mom and chief cook at our house, it's pretty hard to compete. Assuming I was willing to make my own chicken nuggets (sounds like a lot of effort for little return) I'm certainly not going to make them shaped like dinosaurs or some other cute creatures (because I'm not sure I could - how do you make chicken do that?). They won't each look like carbon copies of each other, and they won't taste like the ones from the plastic bag in the freezer section; they won't have the same "caramel color". And they won't take 15 minutes in an oven or a blast of the microwave, either - they'd take at least an hour.

But Tessa doesn't see that. She just sees yummy chicken nuggets.

Tessa is more adventurous than many, but she's pretty sick of my cooking. Vegetables? Yuck. Pasta? Okay, but none of your sauce. (The penne with sausage, chard, and zuchinni that I made recently got gagging sounds.) Thai stir fry? Blech. Salad? How about I just pick out the blue cheese.

I'm not giving up, but it is a hard thing to face every day, multiple times per day. Tessa wants peanut butter that doesn't seperate (the natural stuff I buy does; it contains peanuts and salt, and nothing else); compare that to Jif:
MADE FROM ROASTED PEANUTS AND SUGAR. CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: MOLASSES, FULLY HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OILS (RAPESEED AND SOYBEAN), MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT.
And don't get me started on jam.

I'm more attuned to food ingredients than most people, and I struggle. I won't give up, and I'll keep trying to work it out, but I'm constantly tweaking. Just this week I found out (through a friend) that Tillamook ice cream - chosen because they have cows with no growth hormones, and they're local, and they promote their natural flavors - uses corn syrup. Well, cross that one off the list.

No wonder our nation's kids are becoming more and more obese, and with higher rates of type II diabetes. No wonder heart disease is a number one killer. No wonder cancer is so prevelant: we just weren't meant to be eating all of this junk.

I don't want to spend my life in the kitchen, even though I believe that there is honor in it. But feeding myself and my family is a bit like running a gauntlet. I'm managing, and doing relatively well, but it is a challenge that I think our great grandmothers would shake their heads at.

How are you handling feeding your family? What are your solutions for these problems?

That panicky feeling

As my appointment gets closer and closer, I am getting more frightened. It's like all rational thought completely disappears, and leaves in its place a giant black hole.

I started to believe that it was metastacized breast cancer....but I must stop. I will prepare myself for surgery and benign results. Deep breaths...

Today I'm going to do yoga to try to get myself calmer. I'm going to try to push away the fears, to reclaim my thoughts, to visualize my healthy body. Deep breaths...

I would really appreciate your thoughts, prayers, white light, and love right now. Thank you.

Stuck

I'm starting to think that now might be a good time to find my therapist's phone number. I haven't been in about a year, but perhaps I should.

I am feeling stuck.

Stuck in Cancerland.

A few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck, not far from where the scar from the August/September 2009 debacle was. I waited a week, and the lump didn't go away. I made an appointment with my oncologist, and she affirmed it: yes, there are lumps. The "big" one that I felt (about the size of my index fingernail) and a few smaller ones. In a chain, probably lymph nodes. Only on one side of my neck. (Not the cancer side, though.)

My doctor is wise, and trustworthy. She suggested that I might have some underlying infection, and that I should take antibiotics to see if that made my nodes return to normal. Because of the r ecent surgery, the anatomy of my nodes might be different; closer to the skin or something - and maybe that is why we could only feel them on one side. She said that she could not tell why they were large - they did not pathologically feel like cancer (not rock hard) but she couldn't say that it wasn't, either. She said "Maybe you just have a squirrely neck" (which Ryan thinks is hysterical; he says I have squirrels in my neck).

I finished the antibiotics several days ago. The lumps are still there.

So now, I have to find the energy to pick up the phone and make follow up appointments with my oncologist and the neck surgeon who operated on me last fall. I need to go see my GP, as well, to discuss my thyroid issues, which may be the source of my fatigue. (I've had thyroid issues for years, and chemo has exacerbated them.) And I really should call the therapist instead of whining here.

Since I entered Cancerland almost five years ago, I have not had a solid six months without problems or surgery or some heinous side effect. Some months have been great, some have been horrid, but it's been a roller coaster. I honestly feel like I haven't had time to catch my breath....for five years.

Five years is a long time to be out of breath, and I'm tired. And feeling very stuck.

Who I want to be: Energetic, grateful, active.
Who I am: Tired, and grateful to be alive but resentful at so much of this trouble. Stuck.

I am optimistic about living a long life. And I am grateful, and happy, for so much. But I want out of Cancerland, right now. Badly. It's a desperate feeling.

Dreameries

A few weeks ago, I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman's office space. It wasn't a whole room, just a desk at the end of a hall, but it was so feminine and pretty that it simply spoke to me, called to me.

I tore the page out of the magazine and stared at it for some time, returning to it again and again. What was it that it said to me? Why was I so drawn to it?

I think that the answer is that I needed a space to call my very own. Of course, we have a home filled with my influence, but I share all of my spaces with my family. Half of our small closet is mine, my very own; I have my own dresser, too. But these are functional, practical places that don't get a chance to have much personality. I wanted my own space to work, to relax, to think. A place to write, to dream....and to surround myself with things that inspire me.

The original picture was so obviously personal to the woman who owned it; there were feminine wallpapers, artwork, baskets, flowers. That's what I wanted. No, needed.

I looked around our house, and realized that the dresser in the guest room was filled with things that nobody ever used, and that with it removed, there was plenty of space in the guest room for my vision. Out the dresser went! Next, I wanted a desk. Something white, feminine, and only mine. Not a desk for paying bills; not a desk for surfing the web; not a desk for Tessa's art projects. My own desk, for writing letters, writing stories, displaying things that mean something to me.

I hunted on Craigslist for a few weeks and found what I was looking for this past weekend. So cheap it was almost free; just the right size; huge amounts of girliness.

I already had some art to put up - the Impressionist picture of two girls at the piano that I purchased in Paris in 1991; the picture of a woman reading in a garden. A few candles, a pretty vase filled with lilacs from our garden, a glass box filled with pretty notecards and silver pens, and I was nearly done.

Craigslist to the rescue one more time: a large corkboard. The plan is to paint the wood and cover the cork in a pretty fabric, but I pressed it into use right away without doing that (it will happen in its own time). I've covered it with pictures and words that speak to me, that soothe me. One day I might use it as a storyboard for my novel. It's a type of vision board, but one that I intend to change around routinely. My visions aren't of wealth and fame - they're of peace and tranquility. Right now it's mostly covered with pictures of gardens, of picnics, of jars filled with flowers. I didn't set out to do that, I just chose things that spoke to me, and that must be where I am right now.

This is my place to dream. Michele nicknamed it The Dreamery, and indeed, that is what it is. Just a little corner in which to think. A place to rest my eyes and remember who I am. A place for quiet and order and beauty.

The scent of lilacs fills the room; it feels light and airy. I feel inspired here.

I needed that. Ahhhhhh.

Places that elevate my blood pressure

Number one on the list: oncology offices.

I thought I was doing well at the doctor's office today, as Michele and Ryan (who surprised me by showing up, a very sweet gesture) took good care of me. Still, when the nurse took my BP, it was 151/93. Good grief. Imagine what it would have been if they weren't there!

I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to make sure that what appears to be a minor lymph node thing goes away with antibiotics, so I will get to visit the lovely doctor again then.

In the meantime, I'll just sing my favorite song:
All will be well,
all will be well;
All manner of things
Will be well.
(Meg Barnhouse from Mango Thoughts in a Meatloaf Town)

Garden beginnings

I have accomplished pretty much nothing in the past 48 hours. As my appointment looms, I get more and more frozen. Joy, joy. (Sarcasm.)

But I did finally get into the garden. I planted a row of carrot seeds, a row of swiss chard seeds, and two rows of mixed lettuce starts. I got three pea plants into the ground, and put sweet peas in pots mixed in with the strawberries for bursts of color (the blue pots look good even when they only have an inch of green sticking up).

I can start to imagine how the garden will look in a month or two. The herbs are growing already, the tulips are bigger, and the roses are fuller.

Maybe this will be a good spring.

Poll: How much time do you spend cooking each day?

I am distracting myself. Less than 24 hours 'til my oncologist appointment. Ugh.

-----
I heard on a podcast recently that the average woman used to spend an hour and a half in the kitchen each day, but the average woman now spends 8 minutes a day on meal preparation.

8 minutes? REALLY?

How long do you spend cooking each day? Hands on time, plus time in the oven....

Here's how my day usually looks, cooking wise:

Breakfast:
- boil water, grind coffee for French Press coffee: 5 minutes (less?)
- boil water, add oatmeal, cook for 5 minutes, add berries, cook for one minute, add yogurt and maple syrup: 10 minutes
OR
- Home made granola....10 minutes prep and 35 minutes cooking, but it makes a big batch that lasts at least a week

Lunch:
- Tessa: grilled cheese sandwich (5-10 minutes), plus sliced apples or other fruit; or macaroni and cheese and fruit; or some other random thing
- Me: tossed salad with avocado, goat cheese, sliced veggies, and some home made balsalmic dressing: 10 mins; or leftovers; or a sandwich 5-10 minutes
- Ryan: leftovers plus fruit and nuts; or a salad with grilled chicken or salmon or steak or shrimp added (10 minutes)
....on the weekends we eat together, could be anything, often ploughman's platter of cheese, crackers or bread, smoked salmon, fruit, cut up veggies 10 mins

Dinner:
The most variance of the day is dinner, and it's also where I spend most of my time. Here are some common meals at our house:
- Pizza: home made pizza dough (10 minutes), home made pizza sauce (10 minutes), sliced toppings (5 minutes), plus salad (10 minutes)= 35 minutes plus cooking time of 20 minutes
- Stirfry: make marinade 5 minutes, chop chicken or steak, marinate (anywhere from half hour to all day), chop veggies 10-15 minutes, cook rice 1 minute prep 40 minutes cooking, do stirfry, 10-15 minutes= 45 minutes total
- Soup: make stock (40 minutes for veggie stock, or a couple hours for chicken stock, of which most of the time is just occassional stirring); chop veggies (15 minutes); saute onion, carrot, and celery (10 minutes); put together and simmer (30 minutes) =95 minutes total
- Grilled salmon: quick season salmon (2 minutes) and grill (12 minutes); chop veggies and steam or stirfry (10-15 minutes); chop potatoes and toss with olive oil and rosemary and then roast (25-40 minutes)= 40 minutes

This, of course, doesn't count setting the table or clearing it, and cleaning the kitchen. I spend a lot of my life planning for, shopping, preparing, eating, and cleaning up after food.

In short? I am not an 8 minute girl! I am not even counting extras like baking (made cookies this week, banana bread last week) and bread making (do it all the time), and the like. Plus, on weekends we'll have friends over and make something more elaborate, and I'll make dessert, and appetizers. I'll often make a salad to go on the side, and that's all about chopping (plus, I like to make my own dressing).

I know lots of women who cook more than I do, and lots who cook less. But 8 minutes? Really? Is that microwave meals and cereal? How on earth do you do that? Making a salad with more than a couple of ingredients takes longer than that!

There are days when I spend all day in the kitchen, and there are days when I demand that we go out to eat, but I figure I easily spend an hour or two in the kitchen preparing food each day. Easily. Add clean up time and it's closer to two hours.

How much time do you spend on food each day?

The storm before the calm

Now that I have an appointment with my oncologist, I have that panicky feeling that the situation always brings me these days. I haven't been since my major scare in the fall, and I'm overdue. Now I remember why I procrastinated: I feel frozen at the mere thought of walking in the building. Paralyzed.

When did I become like this? I remember cracking jokes before my mastectomy. I used to think of myself as so brave, and sometimes I still do....but when I have to go back to the oncologist these days I feel small and powerless, like a mouse in a field with a hawk circling above. I just hope I can find a big enough leaf to hide under, knowing that the leaf isn't real protection but if I'm lucky the hawk won't spot me.

I am so very, very glad that when I entered Cancerland I didn't know how long my mind would stay there, and that I didn't understand the length of the journey. I thought it would be a long-gone part of my past by now, and yet it remains part of my present.

Deep breaths. I truly hope that this is the storm before the calm, and that by the time my appointment is over on Friday, I will be able to laugh at the feelings that are behind this blog post. I just want to get an "all clear" and then get the heck out of there! Dear friend Michele is going to drive me so that I don't get into any traffic accidents on the way, and to hold my hand, and that helps a lot. I did chemo by myself a lot, and I don't know why. (Certainly, I had friends enough to come.) 'Chele will help keep me from going any further insane.

So, further lists of things I love to calm my soul:
- listening to Mozart in the mornings
- hot, strong, dark roast coffee
- the lilac bush under the window - with the window open, the spring breeze is blowing lilac scents into the house today
- blue skies with just small, pure white puffy clouds (and today, that is what I see)
- reading to Tessa in bed in the mornings, her warm body snuggled up to me, her arm clutching Special Bear
- Special Bear. This is the bear that "Uncle" Paul gave to Tessa on the day she was born, and she has only spent two (accidental, and very sad) nights without it since her birth. He is worn so that he looks like he's made of fabric, not fur, and it's hard to tell that he was once a warm white....now he's more or less a dull gray. Tessa has hundreds of stuffed animals, fluffy, soft, new, and beautiful, but we both know that Special Bear is worth more than all of them combined.
- Friends who accept me for who I am. Oh, this is such a gift.
- The pillow that my mother-in-law made for me, that sits on my Arts & Crafts style rocker.
- My alter in the middle of the house, which holds a chalice, a cross, and a seated Buddha figure.
- The trees in my yard, including two maples with brilliant fall colors, a white dogwood to remind me of my B.C. heritage (and yet it was planted by a previous owner), the giant pink flowering dogwood, the gorgeous old styrax, the lilac that has grown so much since we moved here, the two poplars that give a wonderful sound when their leaves rustle, the funny tree in the front that blooms pink flowers in winter, the pear which is in full blossom right now, the Japanese Maple with the hiding spot under it for Mo in the summer, shady and hidden.
- Decorating for holidays, large and small. Today I will take down the Easter decorations, which include an egg candle, an "Easter Tree" decorated with pastel eggs, a couple of ceramic bunny dishes, and the like. Mostly I put these things up for Tessa, who just adores it, but it makes me smile, too.

More things I love

- Hiking to Talapus Lake
- Sarah McLachlan's music
- quiet time alone in my house
- the feeling I get after I do yoga
- lit candles in a dark room
- the smell of fresh lavendar or freesia or roses
- bookcases overflowing with books
- Botticelli, VanGogh, Renoir paintings
- girls and women wearing dresses
- the sound of waves, whether lapping softly or roaring and crashing
- the feel of smooth driftwood in my fingers
- finding seashells or robin's eggs
- the way Mo (cat) sleeps on my foot at night
- pulling carrots out of the garden
- playing board games or doing puzzles with Tessa
- any shade of blue with white
- girls' night in
- having a guest room (when I was a kid I dreamed of it, and it came true in adulthood)
- chatting with my mom
- sleeping in
- chocolate (shhh don't tell anyone but I like milk chocolate better than dark)
- bleeding heart, lady slipper, ferns, and hostas in shady corners
- tea parties, simple or elaborate
- making my own bread
- the moments of silence in church
- singing a hymn I know by heart

Today I'm super tired and it helps to make lists of lovely things.

I made an appointment with my oncologist for Friday - I'm overdue for follow up. Wish me luck at remaining calm, as just driving by the building makes me feel a bit panicky.

A good, but tired, life

I have fallen off the blogging wagon, though I have plenty to say. We had a great spring break, with a trip to Chelan with Grammy (my mom), and a trip to the tulips in Skagit Valley with friends. The Easter Bunny came and left lots of chocolate. Cookies have been made and decorated in the shapes of bunnies, chicks, eggs, and tulips.

It's a good life. Filled with simple pleasures every day.

But...

I am so tired. So, so, so tired. Normal activities just wear me out in a way I can't quite describe. I get bursts of energy that make me think "AHA! I'm back!" but within a couple of hours I find myself flagging and thinking "no no nonono!" because there is always so much to do (both fun and chores). I have fallen off the planet sometimes and haven't been in touch with dear friends because I get tired and then I just sit on the couch and do nothing, too tired even for a chat with a friend. This is not my best side, but it is what it is and I'm working on managing it.

I get my thyroid tested regularly and I take thyroid meds (and have since 1989), so maybe it's off. Or maybe it's the tamoxifen. Or maybe it's cumulative cancer treatment and too many surgeries.

Whatever it is, it is what it is. I am grateful for the incredible blessings in my life, even when I'm too tired to fully appreciate them.