Stuck

I'm starting to think that now might be a good time to find my therapist's phone number. I haven't been in about a year, but perhaps I should.

I am feeling stuck.

Stuck in Cancerland.

A few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck, not far from where the scar from the August/September 2009 debacle was. I waited a week, and the lump didn't go away. I made an appointment with my oncologist, and she affirmed it: yes, there are lumps. The "big" one that I felt (about the size of my index fingernail) and a few smaller ones. In a chain, probably lymph nodes. Only on one side of my neck. (Not the cancer side, though.)

My doctor is wise, and trustworthy. She suggested that I might have some underlying infection, and that I should take antibiotics to see if that made my nodes return to normal. Because of the r ecent surgery, the anatomy of my nodes might be different; closer to the skin or something - and maybe that is why we could only feel them on one side. She said that she could not tell why they were large - they did not pathologically feel like cancer (not rock hard) but she couldn't say that it wasn't, either. She said "Maybe you just have a squirrely neck" (which Ryan thinks is hysterical; he says I have squirrels in my neck).

I finished the antibiotics several days ago. The lumps are still there.

So now, I have to find the energy to pick up the phone and make follow up appointments with my oncologist and the neck surgeon who operated on me last fall. I need to go see my GP, as well, to discuss my thyroid issues, which may be the source of my fatigue. (I've had thyroid issues for years, and chemo has exacerbated them.) And I really should call the therapist instead of whining here.

Since I entered Cancerland almost five years ago, I have not had a solid six months without problems or surgery or some heinous side effect. Some months have been great, some have been horrid, but it's been a roller coaster. I honestly feel like I haven't had time to catch my breath....for five years.

Five years is a long time to be out of breath, and I'm tired. And feeling very stuck.

Who I want to be: Energetic, grateful, active.
Who I am: Tired, and grateful to be alive but resentful at so much of this trouble. Stuck.

I am optimistic about living a long life. And I am grateful, and happy, for so much. But I want out of Cancerland, right now. Badly. It's a desperate feeling.