Photos to show the "before" picture as it stands currently...
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Adventure!
Today we decided to break with routine. We packed a picnic, and headed north, to Whidbey Island via La Conner and Deception Pass. We went to a Native American festival at Coupeville, we had frybread, we went to a couple of beautiful parks, we had our picnic.
We agreed that it felt like we were on vacation, and we've decided we need more days like this. Why don't we do this more often? It was great, memorable, and lovely. We'll be repeating again soon - Port Townsend? Vashon Island? Bainbridge? We don't need to go far, but we were a world away from our rourtines, and it was bliss.
We even got some passers-by to take pictures, and got some decent family photos. Check them out!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Trailblazing
I exchanged email with my oncologist. I told her about my side effects when going off Aromasin, including increased fatigue and skin break-outs. I asked if I was getting an estrogen surge that was causing this, and when it would get better. Her response? Mostly, people don't have side effects when quitting this drug. I'm blazing a new trail on this one. She said that she wasn't surprised by my side effects, but that they weren't standard. She still thinks I'll feel much better in a month or two.
My face looks like I'm going through adolescence because of the acne, and menopause because of the wrinkles and age spot. Good grief. Still, it's the fatigue that gets me the most.
And I have to confess that the longer it goes on the harder it is to talk myself off the ceiling. Maybe it's a sign that the beast is back? Never mind that fatigue is not usually a symptom of cancer, it still scares me. This is part of the cancer game - no matter how far out from diagnosis I get, these questions whisper around the edges of my mind. It's not as bad as when I was first diagnosed, when the whispers were actually shouts and screams, but it takes up a lot of my energy just to keep those voices soft and not allow them to take over. Generally, I can talk myself down, remind myself that my blood work and tumor markers look good, that I've done amazing amounts of treatment....but it's hard work.
My face looks like I'm going through adolescence because of the acne, and menopause because of the wrinkles and age spot. Good grief. Still, it's the fatigue that gets me the most.
And I have to confess that the longer it goes on the harder it is to talk myself off the ceiling. Maybe it's a sign that the beast is back? Never mind that fatigue is not usually a symptom of cancer, it still scares me. This is part of the cancer game - no matter how far out from diagnosis I get, these questions whisper around the edges of my mind. It's not as bad as when I was first diagnosed, when the whispers were actually shouts and screams, but it takes up a lot of my energy just to keep those voices soft and not allow them to take over. Generally, I can talk myself down, remind myself that my blood work and tumor markers look good, that I've done amazing amounts of treatment....but it's hard work.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Whatever
I'm really impatient and frustrated.
Yesterday I did my lovely long walk.
By 4pm I was completely, totally wiped out.
I am so tired of this. I want my life back!
Yesterday I did my lovely long walk.
By 4pm I was completely, totally wiped out.
I am so tired of this. I want my life back!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sleepy
I didn't take a "sleep aid" last night because I'd slept for a few nights in a row and hoped my body would do it on its own.
I was wrong.
The down side of that is that it is 5:26pm and I'm sleepy today - oh dear. I will definitely take that Ambien CR tonight.
I was wrong.
The down side of that is that it is 5:26pm and I'm sleepy today - oh dear. I will definitely take that Ambien CR tonight.
Walk in the woods
Today I went for a five mile walk. I wished it was a run, but alas my body is not doing what I tell it to do. So, with that understanding, I left home for a walk. Dr. Okorn said that exercise would help cure what ails me, and I am desperate enough to try it!
As usual, I wanted to be purposeful, so I took the dog (of course) and an empty backpack, with the intention of picking up some groceries. I made sure that the most recent podcasts were downloaded, and I plugged my iPod phones into my ears, and I was off.
All the way to Lincoln Park, I didn't think of much, just listened to This American Life.
I walked along the shore of the beach, and looked for orcas (I didn't see any). I turned up the path at the end of the park, and walked back through the woods.
Halfway through the park, I realized what I was doing. I was being completely mindless on my walk. I held my purpose - must get exercise! - in hand, but I was completely, utterly wasting the opportunity. I unplugged my iPod, and listened. I heard many different birdsongs. I could occassionally hear a little lapping wave at the shore. Breezes moved branches or leaves. I saw dozens of kinds of wildflowers (including a gorgeous dwarf lupine plant). I sat on a bench, and found a notebook inside a plastic bag. The notebook read, "Look behind the bench and slightly to the right, in the forked fir tree, for an eagles' nest. Please record what the eagles are doing." I looked, I paced the tree in question, but didn't see eagles. I sat. I observed some more. I heard a terrible screeching squacking sound, and 100 feet or so away I saw a bald eagle at the top of a tree, shrieking at a crow. A man in nylon track pants swished by me on his walk, talking on his cellphone, oblivious.
I spent perhaps a half hour on that little bench, breathing in some fresh air, thinking my own thoughts. It is probably the best thing I've done this week.
I did continue the walk home, stopping by the grocery store for milk, flour, and toothpaste; I did get my exercise; I did wear out Shep. But that half hour restored me. I plan to do that with more frequency....maybe that is really the cure for what ails me.
As usual, I wanted to be purposeful, so I took the dog (of course) and an empty backpack, with the intention of picking up some groceries. I made sure that the most recent podcasts were downloaded, and I plugged my iPod phones into my ears, and I was off.
All the way to Lincoln Park, I didn't think of much, just listened to This American Life.
I walked along the shore of the beach, and looked for orcas (I didn't see any). I turned up the path at the end of the park, and walked back through the woods.
Halfway through the park, I realized what I was doing. I was being completely mindless on my walk. I held my purpose - must get exercise! - in hand, but I was completely, utterly wasting the opportunity. I unplugged my iPod, and listened. I heard many different birdsongs. I could occassionally hear a little lapping wave at the shore. Breezes moved branches or leaves. I saw dozens of kinds of wildflowers (including a gorgeous dwarf lupine plant). I sat on a bench, and found a notebook inside a plastic bag. The notebook read, "Look behind the bench and slightly to the right, in the forked fir tree, for an eagles' nest. Please record what the eagles are doing." I looked, I paced the tree in question, but didn't see eagles. I sat. I observed some more. I heard a terrible screeching squacking sound, and 100 feet or so away I saw a bald eagle at the top of a tree, shrieking at a crow. A man in nylon track pants swished by me on his walk, talking on his cellphone, oblivious.
I spent perhaps a half hour on that little bench, breathing in some fresh air, thinking my own thoughts. It is probably the best thing I've done this week.
I did continue the walk home, stopping by the grocery store for milk, flour, and toothpaste; I did get my exercise; I did wear out Shep. But that half hour restored me. I plan to do that with more frequency....maybe that is really the cure for what ails me.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Accidental accumulation
I was reading comments in a New York Times article about car-less societies, and one of the comments referred to the "stuff" that we accidentally accumulate.
This hits home. As much as I do not wish to accumulate in this way (savings? yes. just stuff? no.) today I emptied many bags out of our attic and filled the back of our Subaru in order to deliver it to Goodwill.
Where does all this stuff come from?! Some of it is from Tessa, and I'm pretty guilt-free about that....she grows out of things, and we pass them along, and that is good. It does seem, however, that I accidentally accumulate things. I am working hard at avoiding accidental accumulation, but it seems that my attic tells a tale that I have a ways to go. I think I've come a LONG way, I think that I'm doing better than ever before....but I'm not "there."
I'm working hard at buying only high quality things, so they won't need replacement. This is easier for me to do now than at any other time of my life, because though finances are tight, we have a household stocked with all of the essentials. When we were younger, we were still acquiring the niceties of life - if someone was coming to spend the night, we might have needed to buy pillows, or extra towels. To serve a meal we were sometimes lacking in the right platter, etc. But now? Now we have pillows and towels and sheets and platters galore, and what is lacking is minimal (despite what I believe when I enter a housewares shop).
Accidental accumlation indeed. Maybe that phrase will help me to be more intentional.
This hits home. As much as I do not wish to accumulate in this way (savings? yes. just stuff? no.) today I emptied many bags out of our attic and filled the back of our Subaru in order to deliver it to Goodwill.
Where does all this stuff come from?! Some of it is from Tessa, and I'm pretty guilt-free about that....she grows out of things, and we pass them along, and that is good. It does seem, however, that I accidentally accumulate things. I am working hard at avoiding accidental accumulation, but it seems that my attic tells a tale that I have a ways to go. I think I've come a LONG way, I think that I'm doing better than ever before....but I'm not "there."
I'm working hard at buying only high quality things, so they won't need replacement. This is easier for me to do now than at any other time of my life, because though finances are tight, we have a household stocked with all of the essentials. When we were younger, we were still acquiring the niceties of life - if someone was coming to spend the night, we might have needed to buy pillows, or extra towels. To serve a meal we were sometimes lacking in the right platter, etc. But now? Now we have pillows and towels and sheets and platters galore, and what is lacking is minimal (despite what I believe when I enter a housewares shop).
Accidental accumlation indeed. Maybe that phrase will help me to be more intentional.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Okay this is ridiculous
In addition to feeling the effects of the drugs, or the drug transition, I have some kind of a cold taking over my sinuses.
And my face is breaking out. That goes along with the theory that my body is going through some kind of estrogen freak out.
What is next?!
And my face is breaking out. That goes along with the theory that my body is going through some kind of estrogen freak out.
What is next?!
Tomatoes - phew
I just spent a couple of minutes verifying when I planted the tomatoes last year. My answer, according to the blog: May 11.
Phew.
I was reading in a number of places that I might want to wait until June. Well, perhaps that is true, but I didn't wait, and now they're in the ground. The good news? Last year we got an amazing tomato crop, and I'm told that last year was a bad year for tomatoes. It was a GREAT year for tomatoes for us, so if this is a mistake then I plan to keep making it.
It made me very happy this morning to pull aside my bedroom curtains to peer out at the newly planted garden. My back aches, my shoulders are tense, and I'm tired....but this was definitely worth it.
Phew.
I was reading in a number of places that I might want to wait until June. Well, perhaps that is true, but I didn't wait, and now they're in the ground. The good news? Last year we got an amazing tomato crop, and I'm told that last year was a bad year for tomatoes. It was a GREAT year for tomatoes for us, so if this is a mistake then I plan to keep making it.
It made me very happy this morning to pull aside my bedroom curtains to peer out at the newly planted garden. My back aches, my shoulders are tense, and I'm tired....but this was definitely worth it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Improving?
I've been complaining on this blog for a while, but today I'm noting an improvement. Case in point - it's 9:23 and I'm still dressed and wrapping up my day, instead of in PJs and in bed. I really, really hope that the worst of my drug transition is over. Nobody told me to anticipate such an awful shift when going off Aromasin, but I felt like I was hit by a truck. My theory is that, with the first estrogen entering my body in 3+ years, I was having PMS meets menopause and the result was pretty ugly. I'm hoping that my body will regulate a little bit before I start tamoxifen in June, because the combo fatigue and crummy-feeling was just overwhelming. The continued side effects from my treatment bring me down because not only do they make me feel terrible, but I keep thinking "but it's not supposed to be like this!" When I was on chemo, I expected to feel terrible. So many years out from "heavy" treatment, I thought it would be so much easier. It is awfully hard to move on when my body is reeling like it was happening yesterday. I have to say, this week I felt as bad as I did when I was on chemo - I was that tired and achy and just sort of out of it. I am greatly relieved to have an improvement, and hopeful that it will get better from here, or I'm not sure what I'll do.
Maybe if I felt better it would be easier to exercise and take care of my diet. Weight Watchers is a disaster right now, and the scale has become my mortal enemy. Getting dressed in the morning is a challenge because nothing fits. I wish that was an exaggeration; it is not.
In totally other notes...
I had a great Mother's Day. Ryan went out of his way to give me a nice day, including coffee in bed, making dinner, and (best of all) doing a ton of yard work to get the garden going. I was really grateful for his extra efforts to make my day special. Tessa made me cards, gave me lots of smooches, and told me that I was the best Mama ever. THAT certainly made my day!
Thanks also to Kathleen for a lovely brunch this morning -yummmmmy baked egg dish.
The garden - ahhhh it is so satisfying! The tomatoes are planted, and I got 8 different varieties, including my favorite Brandywines, and several varieties of cherry tomato. It's kind of funny, but I have to admit to wishing I could fit way more in the garden; even though we doubled or tripled the garden this year, it fills up so quickly. Of course, my back and muscles aren't up for much more than we've got going, and it will be a challenge just to keep it watered and weeded....but I'm addicted to growing food.
What we had previously planted:
strawberries
raspberries
blueberries
rhubarb
fava beans
sugar snap peas
garlic
rainbow chard
onions
spinach
mixed lettuces
potatoes
herbs (rosemary, sage, parsley, thyme, oregano, mint, chives, tarragon)
carrots
What we planted today:
8 varieties of tomato: Brandywine, Sweet 100s, Yellow Pear, Green Zebra, Sungold, something-French-that-I-can't-remember....and two that I can't remember at all
basil
more carrots
more lettuce
Flowers planted today:
Granny's mix zinnias
Alaska mix nasturciums
borage
Still to plant:
bush beans
squash (summer and winter)
radishes
The roses are doing well, the hanging pots are doing well (I'm too cheap to buy the pre-planted one so I bought flower starts and filled old pots....they're filling in nicely), and the lupine planted a few weeks ago is triple the size. I'd like to get a few more lupine plants, maybe another rose bush, and a couple more blueberries in addition to huckleberries and salmon berries for a shady corner near the neighbors' yard. I still need to build a path, and I still need to get some sunflowers to plant.
But no matter what I wish was done, I can say with conviction that the garden has a great start. I dream about gardens in future years (another lilac maybe? oh and a hydrangea. and definitely some apple trees in the parking strip....) but the garden for THIS year is going to have a lovely crop, and I will enjoy it even as I dream about future gardens.
I think that one of the things that I love about gardening, in addition to the thrill of eating what I have grown, is that I feel so deeply rooted to the land. I know that I'm doing what humans are made to do, and it feels as fundamental as simply breathing. In WWII they were called victory gardens, and though fortunately mine is not a victory against some foreign enemy, it does feel like a victory to re-learn how to do something so basic as grow my own food. Am I self sufficient? Not even close. But I'm closer than I once was.
Maybe if I felt better it would be easier to exercise and take care of my diet. Weight Watchers is a disaster right now, and the scale has become my mortal enemy. Getting dressed in the morning is a challenge because nothing fits. I wish that was an exaggeration; it is not.
In totally other notes...
I had a great Mother's Day. Ryan went out of his way to give me a nice day, including coffee in bed, making dinner, and (best of all) doing a ton of yard work to get the garden going. I was really grateful for his extra efforts to make my day special. Tessa made me cards, gave me lots of smooches, and told me that I was the best Mama ever. THAT certainly made my day!
Thanks also to Kathleen for a lovely brunch this morning -yummmmmy baked egg dish.
The garden - ahhhh it is so satisfying! The tomatoes are planted, and I got 8 different varieties, including my favorite Brandywines, and several varieties of cherry tomato. It's kind of funny, but I have to admit to wishing I could fit way more in the garden; even though we doubled or tripled the garden this year, it fills up so quickly. Of course, my back and muscles aren't up for much more than we've got going, and it will be a challenge just to keep it watered and weeded....but I'm addicted to growing food.
What we had previously planted:
strawberries
raspberries
blueberries
rhubarb
fava beans
sugar snap peas
garlic
rainbow chard
onions
spinach
mixed lettuces
potatoes
herbs (rosemary, sage, parsley, thyme, oregano, mint, chives, tarragon)
carrots
What we planted today:
8 varieties of tomato: Brandywine, Sweet 100s, Yellow Pear, Green Zebra, Sungold, something-French-that-I-can't-remember....and two that I can't remember at all
basil
more carrots
more lettuce
Flowers planted today:
Granny's mix zinnias
Alaska mix nasturciums
borage
Still to plant:
bush beans
squash (summer and winter)
radishes
The roses are doing well, the hanging pots are doing well (I'm too cheap to buy the pre-planted one so I bought flower starts and filled old pots....they're filling in nicely), and the lupine planted a few weeks ago is triple the size. I'd like to get a few more lupine plants, maybe another rose bush, and a couple more blueberries in addition to huckleberries and salmon berries for a shady corner near the neighbors' yard. I still need to build a path, and I still need to get some sunflowers to plant.
But no matter what I wish was done, I can say with conviction that the garden has a great start. I dream about gardens in future years (another lilac maybe? oh and a hydrangea. and definitely some apple trees in the parking strip....) but the garden for THIS year is going to have a lovely crop, and I will enjoy it even as I dream about future gardens.
I think that one of the things that I love about gardening, in addition to the thrill of eating what I have grown, is that I feel so deeply rooted to the land. I know that I'm doing what humans are made to do, and it feels as fundamental as simply breathing. In WWII they were called victory gardens, and though fortunately mine is not a victory against some foreign enemy, it does feel like a victory to re-learn how to do something so basic as grow my own food. Am I self sufficient? Not even close. But I'm closer than I once was.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Improvements
Yesterday I actually got some stuff done around the house and ran a couple of errands. We went to Paul & Libby's for Ramona's 70th birthday, and I stayed awake. (At 8pm I was exausted, but there was still the ride home....but I made it.)
This morning is the West Seattle Community Yard Sale and I hope to find a table to use as a potting bench, and maybe some tea party stuff. (Ryan's hoping that I find bike stuff.) And then I'm delivering soup to Habitat for Humanity for lunch, and then the rest of the day is quiet and I hope to get the rest of the garden prepped for planting tomatoes etc. tomorrow.
I've decided that part of the way that I feel is PMS meets Menopause. The little bit of estrogen produced by my adrenal glands (well, they produce aromatase, which is converted to estrogen in the body) feels like a tidal wave and my whole body is "off". I am really hoping that things regulate soon and I start to see improvements in my overall health instead of the backsliding I've been feeling.
My hands and feet still ache, but the sharpness has dissipated a bit - so that is an improvement!
This is my life, and I want to make the best of it. It was a rough week....I'm hoping it gets easier soon.
This morning is the West Seattle Community Yard Sale and I hope to find a table to use as a potting bench, and maybe some tea party stuff. (Ryan's hoping that I find bike stuff.) And then I'm delivering soup to Habitat for Humanity for lunch, and then the rest of the day is quiet and I hope to get the rest of the garden prepped for planting tomatoes etc. tomorrow.
I've decided that part of the way that I feel is PMS meets Menopause. The little bit of estrogen produced by my adrenal glands (well, they produce aromatase, which is converted to estrogen in the body) feels like a tidal wave and my whole body is "off". I am really hoping that things regulate soon and I start to see improvements in my overall health instead of the backsliding I've been feeling.
My hands and feet still ache, but the sharpness has dissipated a bit - so that is an improvement!
This is my life, and I want to make the best of it. It was a rough week....I'm hoping it gets easier soon.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Sleep - with help
I had my annual exam at my general practicioner's this week. We talked about my sleep issues, and how I wake up all the time. She expressed concern about my lack of REM sleep, and all I could do was agree....I know about that, but what is a girl to do?
We decided that I would start taking Ambien CR. I can't tell you how much I hate messing up my body with drugs, but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks.
So, last night I had my first full night of sleep in.....years? I woke up once at 5am but I was able to get back to sleep. I have that post-drug-haze this morning, but the longer I'm up the more it lifts. I deeply, deeply wish that I will have more energy today because of last night's sleep.
Also, I spent some time on breastcancer.org last night, and found a whole lot of women with symptoms like mine. On the YSC boards most women are pre-menopausal and so don't take AIs, but on the breastcancer.org boards the women are older (on average) and I got some good information. I also found one other woman who went off AIs and is having worsened side effects, and that is comforting.
So today I'm muddling through. I am convinced that it will get better, because I am taking steps to make it better. I will pursue every avenue possible, because this is my life and I'm going to have the best life that is possible.
I watched Oprah yesterday (hey that's what people do when they don't feel well, right?) and Elizabeth Edwards was the guest. I was mad that it was mostly about the affair, because I was less interested in that and more in her reactions toward cancer (she has stage IV breast cancer). She said something to the effect of "People think that their life will be a smooth road, they don't expect big bumps in the road. Well, I think that the big bumps are inevitable, and it is my job to make the best life I can, taking those bumps into consideration. This is not the road I chose, but I can choose what to do with my life despite these bumps in the road."
(I'm paraphrasing, and probably poorly. Apologies to Ms. Edwards.)
So, I am reminded yet again that this is what I must do. I've had some crying lately, and confusion, and fear, but I can craft the life I want. And I want a beautiful life. I am determined to go out and get it....despite the bumps.
We decided that I would start taking Ambien CR. I can't tell you how much I hate messing up my body with drugs, but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks.
So, last night I had my first full night of sleep in.....years? I woke up once at 5am but I was able to get back to sleep. I have that post-drug-haze this morning, but the longer I'm up the more it lifts. I deeply, deeply wish that I will have more energy today because of last night's sleep.
Also, I spent some time on breastcancer.org last night, and found a whole lot of women with symptoms like mine. On the YSC boards most women are pre-menopausal and so don't take AIs, but on the breastcancer.org boards the women are older (on average) and I got some good information. I also found one other woman who went off AIs and is having worsened side effects, and that is comforting.
So today I'm muddling through. I am convinced that it will get better, because I am taking steps to make it better. I will pursue every avenue possible, because this is my life and I'm going to have the best life that is possible.
I watched Oprah yesterday (hey that's what people do when they don't feel well, right?) and Elizabeth Edwards was the guest. I was mad that it was mostly about the affair, because I was less interested in that and more in her reactions toward cancer (she has stage IV breast cancer). She said something to the effect of "People think that their life will be a smooth road, they don't expect big bumps in the road. Well, I think that the big bumps are inevitable, and it is my job to make the best life I can, taking those bumps into consideration. This is not the road I chose, but I can choose what to do with my life despite these bumps in the road."
(I'm paraphrasing, and probably poorly. Apologies to Ms. Edwards.)
So, I am reminded yet again that this is what I must do. I've had some crying lately, and confusion, and fear, but I can craft the life I want. And I want a beautiful life. I am determined to go out and get it....despite the bumps.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Misery loves company
I went to breastcancer.org and found someone who just went off AIs and feels worse, too. I feel bad for her, bad for me....and not so alone.
Prayers for Hannah
Remember the sweet 10 year old girl (she just turned 11!) that I told you about? She's in surgery RIGHT NOW for her mastectomy. I happened to click on her blog and read the update that she'd be in surgery at 2pm today, a bit earlier than planned so that she'd be out for Mother's Day.
Prayers for Hannah are flying from me. Prayers for all of the little girls who one day face breast cancer....and particular prayers for this youngest of young patients to have to undergo this.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/?p=142&cpage=1#comment-971
PS No, I've never met Hannah. I've never had any contact with her except through her website, and one message from her Uncle Jordan in response to my post about her. But how can I not be touched deeply? She could be my daughter. She could be your daughter. And I know all too well about breast cancer and its effects....so I care.
Prayers for Hannah are flying from me. Prayers for all of the little girls who one day face breast cancer....and particular prayers for this youngest of young patients to have to undergo this.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/?p=142&cpage=1#comment-971
PS No, I've never met Hannah. I've never had any contact with her except through her website, and one message from her Uncle Jordan in response to my post about her. But how can I not be touched deeply? She could be my daughter. She could be your daughter. And I know all too well about breast cancer and its effects....so I care.
Something...
...is wrong with me.
I have not felt this fatigued since I did chemo, and I don't know why. It feels worse day by day! I spent the morning at Tessa's school (my Thursday morning routine) and now I feel like napping. Except that I haven't worked this week, the house is a mess, I need to do errands....
And all that makes me want to cry because I just don't know how I'm going to do it. This is SO unlike me, I can't even tell you. It makes me so sad. Where is my energy?
I still have my workout clothes on, but I haven't worked out yet.
I have got to figure this out.
I am bailing on a fun girls' night out tonight because how on earth would I enjoy myself at 8pm and beyond?
This is ridiculous. Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I am irritable. REALLY irritable. Please let me apologise in advance. I am so miserable right now that it's leaking out everywhere, and if you're in my path it might leak on you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that I love you, I've just got issues.
Today I feel irritable, my house is a mess;
I spilled all my coffee, and I don't fit my best dress.
My energy's sapped, my hormones awry
And when I look up there are clouds in the sky.
Today I am irritable, hope tomorrow is better.
Some change! Anything! Even the weather.
(sigh.)
I have not felt this fatigued since I did chemo, and I don't know why. It feels worse day by day! I spent the morning at Tessa's school (my Thursday morning routine) and now I feel like napping. Except that I haven't worked this week, the house is a mess, I need to do errands....
And all that makes me want to cry because I just don't know how I'm going to do it. This is SO unlike me, I can't even tell you. It makes me so sad. Where is my energy?
I still have my workout clothes on, but I haven't worked out yet.
I have got to figure this out.
I am bailing on a fun girls' night out tonight because how on earth would I enjoy myself at 8pm and beyond?
This is ridiculous. Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I am irritable. REALLY irritable. Please let me apologise in advance. I am so miserable right now that it's leaking out everywhere, and if you're in my path it might leak on you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that I love you, I've just got issues.
Today I feel irritable, my house is a mess;
I spilled all my coffee, and I don't fit my best dress.
My energy's sapped, my hormones awry
And when I look up there are clouds in the sky.
Today I am irritable, hope tomorrow is better.
Some change! Anything! Even the weather.
(sigh.)
Exercise
I'm signed up to run a half marathon at the end of next month.
I'm more out of shape than I have been in 4 years. And at my highest weight in 4 years. (Ugh.)
The doc said, "Get exercising." There are a million reasons to do it.
Today I've got my running clothes on. Fingers crossed that this gives me energy rather than taking away more energy....
I'm more out of shape than I have been in 4 years. And at my highest weight in 4 years. (Ugh.)
The doc said, "Get exercising." There are a million reasons to do it.
Today I've got my running clothes on. Fingers crossed that this gives me energy rather than taking away more energy....
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
State of being
It is kind of scary to feel this low-energy fatigue.
I used to be energetic, right? I used to do all kinds of things! Did I use up all of my energy already?
I'm in bed. And I'm so tired.
I went for my annual physical today. I'm going to wait to see if going off Aromasin helps, and if I don't feel a bit better in a month then they're going to send me for a sleep study. I am awake often through the night and I feel like I don't get any REM sleep and of course that could be causing problems. If it's joint pain from the Aromasin and hot flashes that are keeping me up, then maybe it will get better on its own. I also have a sinus polyp, so do I have problems like apnea going on, too?
I'm also going to try a "sleep aid" - Ambien CR - again. Since I don't have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, the controlled release might help.
I am going to figure this out. It is impacting my every minute these days and I'm so tired of that. (Bad pun.) Enough already.
I used to be energetic, right? I used to do all kinds of things! Did I use up all of my energy already?
I'm in bed. And I'm so tired.
I went for my annual physical today. I'm going to wait to see if going off Aromasin helps, and if I don't feel a bit better in a month then they're going to send me for a sleep study. I am awake often through the night and I feel like I don't get any REM sleep and of course that could be causing problems. If it's joint pain from the Aromasin and hot flashes that are keeping me up, then maybe it will get better on its own. I also have a sinus polyp, so do I have problems like apnea going on, too?
I'm also going to try a "sleep aid" - Ambien CR - again. Since I don't have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, the controlled release might help.
I am going to figure this out. It is impacting my every minute these days and I'm so tired of that. (Bad pun.) Enough already.
Bit better
Well, I skipped dinner last night (and those who know me know that I NEVER skip dinner!) and tossed and turned last night in bed, but I'm feeling a bit better today. Slogging through!
I have my annual physical today, so I happen to be going to the doc today anyway.
I'm sure that this is nothing, but for "nothing" it's highly inconvenient. Enough already!
I have my annual physical today, so I happen to be going to the doc today anyway.
I'm sure that this is nothing, but for "nothing" it's highly inconvenient. Enough already!
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
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