Sleep - with help

I had my annual exam at my general practicioner's this week. We talked about my sleep issues, and how I wake up all the time. She expressed concern about my lack of REM sleep, and all I could do was agree....I know about that, but what is a girl to do?

We decided that I would start taking Ambien CR. I can't tell you how much I hate messing up my body with drugs, but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks.

So, last night I had my first full night of sleep in.....years? I woke up once at 5am but I was able to get back to sleep. I have that post-drug-haze this morning, but the longer I'm up the more it lifts. I deeply, deeply wish that I will have more energy today because of last night's sleep.

Also, I spent some time on breastcancer.org last night, and found a whole lot of women with symptoms like mine. On the YSC boards most women are pre-menopausal and so don't take AIs, but on the breastcancer.org boards the women are older (on average) and I got some good information. I also found one other woman who went off AIs and is having worsened side effects, and that is comforting.

So today I'm muddling through. I am convinced that it will get better, because I am taking steps to make it better. I will pursue every avenue possible, because this is my life and I'm going to have the best life that is possible.

I watched Oprah yesterday (hey that's what people do when they don't feel well, right?) and Elizabeth Edwards was the guest. I was mad that it was mostly about the affair, because I was less interested in that and more in her reactions toward cancer (she has stage IV breast cancer). She said something to the effect of "People think that their life will be a smooth road, they don't expect big bumps in the road. Well, I think that the big bumps are inevitable, and it is my job to make the best life I can, taking those bumps into consideration. This is not the road I chose, but I can choose what to do with my life despite these bumps in the road."

(I'm paraphrasing, and probably poorly. Apologies to Ms. Edwards.)

So, I am reminded yet again that this is what I must do. I've had some crying lately, and confusion, and fear, but I can craft the life I want. And I want a beautiful life. I am determined to go out and get it....despite the bumps.