This Saturday is the giant yard sale. My house is filling up with donated items, and teams of people are swarming to get ready to sort, label, and sell those items. It's a bit overwhelming! Last year, we raised $2100, and this year is going to raise even more.
(Speaking of raising money...29 people on our team have raised $41,000+ so far. IMPRESSIVE!)
Last year at this time, I could barely sit through the yard sale, as I was so uncomfortable from my lat flap surgery (only a week out, barely home from the hospital). This year will be an improvement, needless to say, and I'm delighted to take on a leadership roll.
Despite that, this is exhausting. I'm so excited for the sale...and I'll be so glad when it's over. :-)
Love,
Kristina
PS Want to check it out? Come by my house from 9-3 on Saturday!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Cancer moments
I had a cancer moment yesterday.
At co-op, I was, at the childrens' request, sitting with a group of kids in the reading corner, reading "I'll Love You Forever" to them. I've read this book a hundred times, and it's very sweet: about a mother singing her "I'll love you forever" song to her infant, then toddler, then school-age, then teenager, then adult child, and then at the end, the old mother is frail and her son carries her like a child and cares for her, and sings to his mother "I'll love you forever." Very sweet.
Except for cancer moments.
I made it to the page where the child is nine years old, and it swept me like a huge wave. Will I know Tessa when she's nine? I will love her to eternity, but when she's nine will I have the chance to tell her in person? Tessa was across the room, intently building a tower, and her beauty struck me like never before. Would I know her at nine?
I had to stop. I hurried to the bathroom, shoving the book at another parent to finish with the kids (who appeared oblivious to all of this), and sobbed.
When I got it together, I wiped my eyes, came out, and continued with my day.
I tried to explain it to the parent who had taken over for me, and she said, "I know what you mean, that book gets me every time," but I know she didn't understand (though she was very nice about it). Sure, it's amazingly touching, but that wasn't it at all. Most of us assume that we will grow old to watch our children grow, and that if we are lucky our children will love and care for us in our old age. I no longer have the luxury of that assumption. This book reminded me that I am different, and that my guarantee is less than someone else's.
A cancer moment. I can not explain the level of grief I feel in these moments.
I used to have cancer moments every day. When I was first diagnosed, I felt that cancer WAS my life, and that there would never be another thought in my head that wasn't tainted by cancer. Nearly two years out, and that's not the case at all....my days are, mostly, rich and fulfilling, and though cancer is always there I've been able to channel it into a lot of positive things. If I must think about cancer nonstop (and this is the case), then I've decided to think about ENDING it, and hence my work with the 3-Day, Race for the Cure, and Genentech. I'm trying to own it, rather than it owning me.
Yesterday, once again, cancer reminded me that I'm not in charge. I can do the most aggressive treatment (I've yet to meet anyone who has done as much as I have for early-stage breast cancer), I can take on challenging volunteer work, I can wear a bikini and run on the beach with my new breasts, I can train for a marathon, I can hug my daughter, hold my husband's hand, walk my dog, clean my house, chat with friends.....but cancer is always there, threatening me, and promising to take it all away. I have a great attitude, and 99% of the time I believe that I am cancer free and will live until 2069 despite the cancer. But that 1% of the time....wow, that hurts.
At co-op, I was, at the childrens' request, sitting with a group of kids in the reading corner, reading "I'll Love You Forever" to them. I've read this book a hundred times, and it's very sweet: about a mother singing her "I'll love you forever" song to her infant, then toddler, then school-age, then teenager, then adult child, and then at the end, the old mother is frail and her son carries her like a child and cares for her, and sings to his mother "I'll love you forever." Very sweet.
Except for cancer moments.
I made it to the page where the child is nine years old, and it swept me like a huge wave. Will I know Tessa when she's nine? I will love her to eternity, but when she's nine will I have the chance to tell her in person? Tessa was across the room, intently building a tower, and her beauty struck me like never before. Would I know her at nine?
I had to stop. I hurried to the bathroom, shoving the book at another parent to finish with the kids (who appeared oblivious to all of this), and sobbed.
When I got it together, I wiped my eyes, came out, and continued with my day.
I tried to explain it to the parent who had taken over for me, and she said, "I know what you mean, that book gets me every time," but I know she didn't understand (though she was very nice about it). Sure, it's amazingly touching, but that wasn't it at all. Most of us assume that we will grow old to watch our children grow, and that if we are lucky our children will love and care for us in our old age. I no longer have the luxury of that assumption. This book reminded me that I am different, and that my guarantee is less than someone else's.
A cancer moment. I can not explain the level of grief I feel in these moments.
I used to have cancer moments every day. When I was first diagnosed, I felt that cancer WAS my life, and that there would never be another thought in my head that wasn't tainted by cancer. Nearly two years out, and that's not the case at all....my days are, mostly, rich and fulfilling, and though cancer is always there I've been able to channel it into a lot of positive things. If I must think about cancer nonstop (and this is the case), then I've decided to think about ENDING it, and hence my work with the 3-Day, Race for the Cure, and Genentech. I'm trying to own it, rather than it owning me.
Yesterday, once again, cancer reminded me that I'm not in charge. I can do the most aggressive treatment (I've yet to meet anyone who has done as much as I have for early-stage breast cancer), I can take on challenging volunteer work, I can wear a bikini and run on the beach with my new breasts, I can train for a marathon, I can hug my daughter, hold my husband's hand, walk my dog, clean my house, chat with friends.....but cancer is always there, threatening me, and promising to take it all away. I have a great attitude, and 99% of the time I believe that I am cancer free and will live until 2069 despite the cancer. But that 1% of the time....wow, that hurts.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Grandma Tess's Memorial
Today was Grandma Tess's memorial service. I am so sad that I was not able to attend because of my prior commitment to Genentech (which went well, by the way), because I would have loved to see everyone in the Surface clan and to pay my respects to Grandma Tess.
Every time I call Tessa, I believe that a bit of Grandma Tess lives on. I am so grateful that they got to meet, and that Grandma Tess was able to understand that we had tried to honor her by naming her great-granddaughter after her. Of course, I never knew Tess well, but everything I have heard tells me that I wish my daughter to have many of her attributes: spunk, energy, wit, humor, intelligence, perseverence.
Special hugs for Mom Surface. I can't imagine that it is ever easy to bury a parent, and I doubt that this was an exception to that rule. I send you my special love today.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, May 04, 2007
a baby and a plea
Today I received the happy, happy news that Warrior Woman team member Kristin's baby, a beautiful daughter, was born. Little Eleanor is healthy and happy...and she's a miracle baby. Kristin was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 6 weeks pregnant, had a mastectomy when she was 8 weeks pregnant, and did chemo through her second trimester. Eleanor became a survivor of all of this before she was even born, and I am certain that she is a child meant to do amazing things in this world. Welcome, Eleanor, and congrats to Kristin, Craig, Eleanor and big sister Luci!
But I'm mad. I'm angry that a pregnant mother must endure such atrocities. I'm angry that children must watch their mothers suffer. I'm angry about the damage that has been done to my body. I'm angry that I keep receiving phone calls from frantic friends, in shock and pain over a new diagnosis, and I am unable to take their pain away. I am angry that there is no easy solution to these problems.
I need your help. I am determined to find an end to breast cancer. As Kristin said, "once is enough." I fight for my own life, but also for the lives of all women (and a few men, too). I am fighting with all I'm worth, continuing aggressive treatment, but also fighting on a public level: I am up to my eyeballs with work for the Komen Foundation (look for me at Race for the Cure June 16, leading the I AM THE CURE program!) and Genentech (my first speaking engagement is in Seattle tomorrow morning at 9:30 at the Silver Cloud on Broadway - all are welcome to attend). But my primary focus is the 3-Day, because funds raised through the 3-Day go primarily to research, and research will lead to the cure.
I am begging for your help. Please give a generous contribution so that we can END this disease for all of us. I am working with my whole being towards this cause, but I can't do it alone. Last year, I raised $6000 and my team raised $32000. This year, I have a LONG way to go to meet that number, though my team is already at $38000 and growing every day.
Will you help? Please? Please do it for me, for Tessa, for Kristin and her daughters, and for all of us. We really, desperately need a cure, and I can't do it alone. I need you!
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Thank you.
Love,
Kristina
But I'm mad. I'm angry that a pregnant mother must endure such atrocities. I'm angry that children must watch their mothers suffer. I'm angry about the damage that has been done to my body. I'm angry that I keep receiving phone calls from frantic friends, in shock and pain over a new diagnosis, and I am unable to take their pain away. I am angry that there is no easy solution to these problems.
I need your help. I am determined to find an end to breast cancer. As Kristin said, "once is enough." I fight for my own life, but also for the lives of all women (and a few men, too). I am fighting with all I'm worth, continuing aggressive treatment, but also fighting on a public level: I am up to my eyeballs with work for the Komen Foundation (look for me at Race for the Cure June 16, leading the I AM THE CURE program!) and Genentech (my first speaking engagement is in Seattle tomorrow morning at 9:30 at the Silver Cloud on Broadway - all are welcome to attend). But my primary focus is the 3-Day, because funds raised through the 3-Day go primarily to research, and research will lead to the cure.
I am begging for your help. Please give a generous contribution so that we can END this disease for all of us. I am working with my whole being towards this cause, but I can't do it alone. Last year, I raised $6000 and my team raised $32000. This year, I have a LONG way to go to meet that number, though my team is already at $38000 and growing every day.
Will you help? Please? Please do it for me, for Tessa, for Kristin and her daughters, and for all of us. We really, desperately need a cure, and I can't do it alone. I need you!
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Thank you.
Love,
Kristina
Laughter
Random thoughts:
- While swimming with Tessa in the pool in Hawaii, it occurred to me that she might think that it was funny that the Hawaiian word for appetizer is "pupus." I swam up to her, with a twinkle in my eyes, and said, "Hey Tessa! For dinner tonight, would you like some...." and here I started spluttering and giggling and laughing until I couldn't say a word. At last, I understand a bit of preschool potty-humor! I recognize that it's not nearly as funny as I was making it out to be, but I could not stop laughing. Laughter like that feels good. (Tessa was appalled at my idea, and language, just for the record. She was not nearly impressed. Her disgust only made me laugh more. I guess I really am juvenille! )
- My personal pet peeve is when people chew with their mouths open. Given that Tessa is four, you can imagine how often this comes up. Well, Tessa has started calling it my "pea pod" instead of pet peeve and I just think that's the cutest thing. I can't correct her for fear that she'll lose this charming way of putting it.
- Last night, Ryan had the stomach flu (UGH - it was awful, but it has passed, and we are all so glad!) and so Tessa and I went out to Japanese instead of making dinner at home (Ryan had saltines for dinner...I was going to do a garlicky fish dish...can you imagine smelling that with a sour stomach?!). The bathroom at the resturant (with a 4 year old I swear we hit the restroom every 15 minutes - I know every bathroom at every resturant and grocery store and shop) had a fancy Japanese style toilet, which could, at the push of a button, spray one's nether-regions or dry them with warm air, etc. This was too good to miss, so when Tessa was finished, we set the water to "low" and "warm" and hit start. OOPS. Here is a note to the uninitiated: those seats are designed with a bigger bottom in mind...one that covers the entire seat. Given that Tessa's little bum only covered half the seat, the water sprayed up her back, and LITERALLY sprayed a shower over both of us. Fortunately, Tessa has a great sense of humor, and we both got a very good laugh out of it. (West Seattle people, you can check out the fancy commode at Mashiko's.)
Two cases of the giggles in a week....now that's a good week!
- While swimming with Tessa in the pool in Hawaii, it occurred to me that she might think that it was funny that the Hawaiian word for appetizer is "pupus." I swam up to her, with a twinkle in my eyes, and said, "Hey Tessa! For dinner tonight, would you like some...." and here I started spluttering and giggling and laughing until I couldn't say a word. At last, I understand a bit of preschool potty-humor! I recognize that it's not nearly as funny as I was making it out to be, but I could not stop laughing. Laughter like that feels good. (Tessa was appalled at my idea, and language, just for the record. She was not nearly impressed. Her disgust only made me laugh more. I guess I really am juvenille! )
- My personal pet peeve is when people chew with their mouths open. Given that Tessa is four, you can imagine how often this comes up. Well, Tessa has started calling it my "pea pod" instead of pet peeve and I just think that's the cutest thing. I can't correct her for fear that she'll lose this charming way of putting it.
- Last night, Ryan had the stomach flu (UGH - it was awful, but it has passed, and we are all so glad!) and so Tessa and I went out to Japanese instead of making dinner at home (Ryan had saltines for dinner...I was going to do a garlicky fish dish...can you imagine smelling that with a sour stomach?!). The bathroom at the resturant (with a 4 year old I swear we hit the restroom every 15 minutes - I know every bathroom at every resturant and grocery store and shop) had a fancy Japanese style toilet, which could, at the push of a button, spray one's nether-regions or dry them with warm air, etc. This was too good to miss, so when Tessa was finished, we set the water to "low" and "warm" and hit start. OOPS. Here is a note to the uninitiated: those seats are designed with a bigger bottom in mind...one that covers the entire seat. Given that Tessa's little bum only covered half the seat, the water sprayed up her back, and LITERALLY sprayed a shower over both of us. Fortunately, Tessa has a great sense of humor, and we both got a very good laugh out of it. (West Seattle people, you can check out the fancy commode at Mashiko's.)
Two cases of the giggles in a week....now that's a good week!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Hawaiian Fantasies Come True
My fantasy: running into the waves with Ryan and Tessa, smiles on our faces.
Ryan's fantasy: riding up AND down the volcano, Haleakala (he made it to 6500 feet - that's higher than Camp Muir on Rainier!).
Fantasies fulfilled. BLISS!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Home from Hawaii
Aloha!
The trip was fabulous. The time with family was wonderful, the weather was spectacular, the scenery was delightful and the ocean was fabulous. We all have tan lines from our swimsuits and smiles on our faces!
More to follow, this note just to let you know we're back. Now we're in the mad rush of trying to get caught up with things and get resettled into regular life, but when it slows down I'll update more.
The trip was fabulous. The time with family was wonderful, the weather was spectacular, the scenery was delightful and the ocean was fabulous. We all have tan lines from our swimsuits and smiles on our faces!
More to follow, this note just to let you know we're back. Now we're in the mad rush of trying to get caught up with things and get resettled into regular life, but when it slows down I'll update more.
Monday, April 16, 2007
A Message from The Talent
I am home from San Francisco, and I sincerely wish that I had several hours to write a blog entry because there are so many things I'd like to update on the blog. Many, many stories grew from my trip to film an internet commercial for Genentech, and I hope to have a chance to share some of them down the road.
A few updates:
- I had a MUGA last Tuesday, and believe it or not my heart function actually INCREASED from the MUGA two months earlier, despite my concerns. The tech ran the old scan and the new scan twice (she went back to the old films to rework the data), and she was amazed to find the same data each time. I'll take it! My heart is functioning well; no worries, and I continue to take Herceptin.
- I've reduced my thyroid meds and I'm hoping for a bump in energy as a result. I think maybe I feel a bit more rested now....?
- While in San Fran, I swam several gentle lengths of the pool, breast-stroke style. It didn't hurt! This is the best sign of all of my improved range of motion and strength. I also ran 30 minutes on the treadmill, plus warmup and cooldown, and my running break seems to have helped - my back didn't hurt at all. So, I'm back in the running game!
- My 3-Day team stands at 25 people and $25,000. I am immensely proud of this fact. We have only just begun!
- Shep's injury is healing, but not without bumps in the road. He has been to the vet every day - including Sunday - for the past six days because his wound is weeping and, frankly, disgusting. (Sigh.) I am going to have to take him in again tomorrow and we are now considering boarding him at the vet where his bandages can be changed more regularly. This will break his sweet little heart and I hate the idea but something must be done!
And then there's San Fran. Five days away from Tessa is the most I've taken since she was born, and it was a little lonely to be apart from her, but still, freeing and wonderful. I am eternally grateful to my mom & dad for watching her on Thursday and Friday, for Ryan for being his usual great dad self on the weekend without me, and to Jenny for watching Tessa extra today while Ryan worked and before I got home.
Highlights of San Fran:
- Nancy. Nancy is another Herceptin Patient Ambassador like myself, and she and I got a chance to spend a good deal of time together while we were in the city. Nancy is an amazingly articulate, beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman with a twinkle in her eye. Like me, she is a breast cancer survivor. She has children my age, but this generational gap meant nothing - I wanted to soak up Nancy's wisdom and share in her friendship and humor. We ate (VERY well - we had several course dinners at wonderful resturants each night), laughed, and talked together, and the time just flew by. (The other ambassador, Ginny, is a lovely woman as well, but we didn't have as much time to get to know each other as we were on different filming schedules most of the time and she flew in later and left earlier.)
- Learning about the film industry. Though I was referred to - often to my face, but more often as if I wasn't even in the room - as "the talent" (as in "we need to get the talent over there" or "we'll need to round up the talent at 4:30" or "what do we want the talent to do next" or "get the talent into makeup and wardrobe as fast as possible") I was certainly not talented in this arena - it was purely amateur hour. I needed to learn to look away from the camera, to walk unnaturally close to things, to run slowly as if I was flying (not sure I ever got that one figured out), to look dreamy, etc. I was not the diva on the set, despite my starring role: the diva is the camera itself. The camera demands "More light!", "Too close!", "Faster!" in quick succession: the camera has a flurry of subjects bowing to it and appeasing it by catering to its every whim. I sometimes found it comical, but it was always interesting to me.
- I spent two hours in hair and makeup one day - plus touchups. It was exactly like what Tessa does when she plays dress-up, only Nick, the stylist, was paid to play. (I jest; what he did was hard work, and his work was excellent. To me, though, it was like playing!) Nick has done some famous work and showed me, using the hotel magazines as his example, some pictures of his work/clients - his name printed in the small type alongside their modeled faces on the glossy pages. He plucked my eyebrows - even though I had them waxed last week - and I'm here to tell you that I looked fabulous with his paint on my face. He is hysterical, and made me laugh more times than I could count.
- The highlight of the filming, for me, was also the most frustrating part. In addition to reading from a script (teleprompter), doing still photos, and scenes with no speaking parts (walking through a garden, drinking a coffee, etc.), I was required to do an "athletic" sequence. I had mentioned that I was into running and that I planned to run a marathon, and so they wanted to film me running. At the end of a twelve hour day, doing all kinds of strange things, running in slow motion, running quickly, leaping over 4 foot long mud-puddles, running into the sun, running away from the sun, running on the path, running through the trees, running fast, running slow, it was decided that I should run along the edge of the road and that the camera crew would go in the van alongside me to film me. We practiced a couple of times at a slow speed (a gentle jog) and I could see that the cameraman was getting frustrated with the shoot; it just wasn't going how he'd envisioned it. He decided we needed to speed it up. Twelve hours into filming I was a bit tired, but up for anything. We tried it a couple more times, sprinting through a park, and it wasn't quite right. One more time, one more time, one more time.... Well, on the last time, he wanted me to go hard. I put everything I could into it, I looked straight ahead, and I went as fast as I could go. It wasn't, apparently, fast enough, and the cameraman was yelling, "FASTER! GO FASTER!" in a voice that sounded more annoyed than encouraging. Since I was on film I couldn't yell back, but I was thinking ,"Hey, I AM going faster....gimme a break!" At that point, he growled out, "DIG DEEP!" and something in me snapped. It's a good thing that nobody could see the thought bubble above my head at that moment (rated R for profanity) but I dug as deep as I could go and, what-do-you-know, I finished with a burst of speed and a fierce (a combination of determination, frustration, resentment...) look on my face. The cameraman practically applauded, yelling, "YES! That's it! That's FIERCE!" Though still annoyed at him for asking me to go way above and beyond my abilities (I actually played out a scene in my head where I would rip off my shirt to show him all of my scars and yell, "Do you see this body? Do you see the hell I've been through? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!" - thankfully, good manners and common sense prevented me from doing such things, but it was quite the fantasy I had going!), I am actually grateful. He reminded me, unintentionally and for the camera's benefit, not my own, that when I think that my reserves are depleted, there are more. No matter how tough it gets, I can get a little tougher. "Dig deep" has all new meaning for me. I'm proud of that moment, and I hope it looks as spectacular on film as he promised me it would.
- The commercial will probably air in June on the Genentech website. Trust me, when it's available, I'll let you know! I've only seen a moment of myself running, and I'm not sure how it's all going to go together, or how long the finished result will be. I'm told that the stills will be made available to me online, and I'll share those too if they're not too embarassing.
And then...saving the best for last....Carolyn. Carolyn and I have been friends since I was 16; we met at Woodinville High School. I adore Carolyn; she is truly one of the finest people I have ever met, and I know how lucky I am to have her in my life. Time and distance mean nothing to us, and when we meet, everything falls away and it's like we've never been apart. Our friendship is one of my life's greatest gifts, and I'm so fortunate that she has stuck with me through all of these years.
Carolyn, who lives in the Bay area, came to meet me on Sunday and share in my free night at the Ritz. (I wish that I could report that the Ritz lost my luggage again this trip, but, sadly, that is not the case, and I do not forsee getting another free night there as a result.) We went to a drag show for brunch at the Starlight Lounge, and we went to America's longest running play, called Beach Blanket Babylon, in the evening. And the rest of the time? We talked and talkedandtalkedandtalkedandtalked. And then talked some more. We actually talked until 2am this morning - something I haven't done in AGES. (I can still hear my mom's voice when we were in high school, "Look, girls, it's getting late and you're keeping us up. Turn out the light and go to sleep! You can talk in the morning!")
We also ate. Oh my! We had the amazing fortune of having our room upgraded - we got to stay on the Club level at the Ritz. Now, the Ritz itself is an amazing hotel....lovely. I don't get to stay in 5 star hotels, so any room would have been great....but we got upgraded substantially. Our room was particularly lovely, with incredible views out to the water. Our floor had a special lobby with our own receptionists and a salon with all the free food and drink we could imagine. When we arrived, it was high tea; for dinner we ate their seafood appetizer buffet; then there was a dessert buffet. Wine flowed like water. In the morning, there was a breakfast buffet; before we left there was a lunch buffet. CRAZY! Every bit was delicious, and every bit was free with our room. We didn't need to go out to eat - we lived like queens (let's say princesses instead...sounds less dour or less drag-y!).
This morning we worked out -a fter all that food it felt REALLY good to do so. I ran on the treadmill, swam a bit, and we soaked in the hot tub.
I'm too tired to write more, and there is much more to say, anecdotes to tell, ruminations to share....but it is past time for sleeping. I hope more will follow in the days to come.
Kristina
A few updates:
- I had a MUGA last Tuesday, and believe it or not my heart function actually INCREASED from the MUGA two months earlier, despite my concerns. The tech ran the old scan and the new scan twice (she went back to the old films to rework the data), and she was amazed to find the same data each time. I'll take it! My heart is functioning well; no worries, and I continue to take Herceptin.
- I've reduced my thyroid meds and I'm hoping for a bump in energy as a result. I think maybe I feel a bit more rested now....?
- While in San Fran, I swam several gentle lengths of the pool, breast-stroke style. It didn't hurt! This is the best sign of all of my improved range of motion and strength. I also ran 30 minutes on the treadmill, plus warmup and cooldown, and my running break seems to have helped - my back didn't hurt at all. So, I'm back in the running game!
- My 3-Day team stands at 25 people and $25,000. I am immensely proud of this fact. We have only just begun!
- Shep's injury is healing, but not without bumps in the road. He has been to the vet every day - including Sunday - for the past six days because his wound is weeping and, frankly, disgusting. (Sigh.) I am going to have to take him in again tomorrow and we are now considering boarding him at the vet where his bandages can be changed more regularly. This will break his sweet little heart and I hate the idea but something must be done!
And then there's San Fran. Five days away from Tessa is the most I've taken since she was born, and it was a little lonely to be apart from her, but still, freeing and wonderful. I am eternally grateful to my mom & dad for watching her on Thursday and Friday, for Ryan for being his usual great dad self on the weekend without me, and to Jenny for watching Tessa extra today while Ryan worked and before I got home.
Highlights of San Fran:
- Nancy. Nancy is another Herceptin Patient Ambassador like myself, and she and I got a chance to spend a good deal of time together while we were in the city. Nancy is an amazingly articulate, beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman with a twinkle in her eye. Like me, she is a breast cancer survivor. She has children my age, but this generational gap meant nothing - I wanted to soak up Nancy's wisdom and share in her friendship and humor. We ate (VERY well - we had several course dinners at wonderful resturants each night), laughed, and talked together, and the time just flew by. (The other ambassador, Ginny, is a lovely woman as well, but we didn't have as much time to get to know each other as we were on different filming schedules most of the time and she flew in later and left earlier.)
- Learning about the film industry. Though I was referred to - often to my face, but more often as if I wasn't even in the room - as "the talent" (as in "we need to get the talent over there" or "we'll need to round up the talent at 4:30" or "what do we want the talent to do next" or "get the talent into makeup and wardrobe as fast as possible") I was certainly not talented in this arena - it was purely amateur hour. I needed to learn to look away from the camera, to walk unnaturally close to things, to run slowly as if I was flying (not sure I ever got that one figured out), to look dreamy, etc. I was not the diva on the set, despite my starring role: the diva is the camera itself. The camera demands "More light!", "Too close!", "Faster!" in quick succession: the camera has a flurry of subjects bowing to it and appeasing it by catering to its every whim. I sometimes found it comical, but it was always interesting to me.
- I spent two hours in hair and makeup one day - plus touchups. It was exactly like what Tessa does when she plays dress-up, only Nick, the stylist, was paid to play. (I jest; what he did was hard work, and his work was excellent. To me, though, it was like playing!) Nick has done some famous work and showed me, using the hotel magazines as his example, some pictures of his work/clients - his name printed in the small type alongside their modeled faces on the glossy pages. He plucked my eyebrows - even though I had them waxed last week - and I'm here to tell you that I looked fabulous with his paint on my face. He is hysterical, and made me laugh more times than I could count.
- The highlight of the filming, for me, was also the most frustrating part. In addition to reading from a script (teleprompter), doing still photos, and scenes with no speaking parts (walking through a garden, drinking a coffee, etc.), I was required to do an "athletic" sequence. I had mentioned that I was into running and that I planned to run a marathon, and so they wanted to film me running. At the end of a twelve hour day, doing all kinds of strange things, running in slow motion, running quickly, leaping over 4 foot long mud-puddles, running into the sun, running away from the sun, running on the path, running through the trees, running fast, running slow, it was decided that I should run along the edge of the road and that the camera crew would go in the van alongside me to film me. We practiced a couple of times at a slow speed (a gentle jog) and I could see that the cameraman was getting frustrated with the shoot; it just wasn't going how he'd envisioned it. He decided we needed to speed it up. Twelve hours into filming I was a bit tired, but up for anything. We tried it a couple more times, sprinting through a park, and it wasn't quite right. One more time, one more time, one more time.... Well, on the last time, he wanted me to go hard. I put everything I could into it, I looked straight ahead, and I went as fast as I could go. It wasn't, apparently, fast enough, and the cameraman was yelling, "FASTER! GO FASTER!" in a voice that sounded more annoyed than encouraging. Since I was on film I couldn't yell back, but I was thinking ,"Hey, I AM going faster....gimme a break!" At that point, he growled out, "DIG DEEP!" and something in me snapped. It's a good thing that nobody could see the thought bubble above my head at that moment (rated R for profanity) but I dug as deep as I could go and, what-do-you-know, I finished with a burst of speed and a fierce (a combination of determination, frustration, resentment...) look on my face. The cameraman practically applauded, yelling, "YES! That's it! That's FIERCE!" Though still annoyed at him for asking me to go way above and beyond my abilities (I actually played out a scene in my head where I would rip off my shirt to show him all of my scars and yell, "Do you see this body? Do you see the hell I've been through? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!" - thankfully, good manners and common sense prevented me from doing such things, but it was quite the fantasy I had going!), I am actually grateful. He reminded me, unintentionally and for the camera's benefit, not my own, that when I think that my reserves are depleted, there are more. No matter how tough it gets, I can get a little tougher. "Dig deep" has all new meaning for me. I'm proud of that moment, and I hope it looks as spectacular on film as he promised me it would.
- The commercial will probably air in June on the Genentech website. Trust me, when it's available, I'll let you know! I've only seen a moment of myself running, and I'm not sure how it's all going to go together, or how long the finished result will be. I'm told that the stills will be made available to me online, and I'll share those too if they're not too embarassing.
And then...saving the best for last....Carolyn. Carolyn and I have been friends since I was 16; we met at Woodinville High School. I adore Carolyn; she is truly one of the finest people I have ever met, and I know how lucky I am to have her in my life. Time and distance mean nothing to us, and when we meet, everything falls away and it's like we've never been apart. Our friendship is one of my life's greatest gifts, and I'm so fortunate that she has stuck with me through all of these years.
Carolyn, who lives in the Bay area, came to meet me on Sunday and share in my free night at the Ritz. (I wish that I could report that the Ritz lost my luggage again this trip, but, sadly, that is not the case, and I do not forsee getting another free night there as a result.) We went to a drag show for brunch at the Starlight Lounge, and we went to America's longest running play, called Beach Blanket Babylon, in the evening. And the rest of the time? We talked and talkedandtalkedandtalkedandtalked. And then talked some more. We actually talked until 2am this morning - something I haven't done in AGES. (I can still hear my mom's voice when we were in high school, "Look, girls, it's getting late and you're keeping us up. Turn out the light and go to sleep! You can talk in the morning!")
We also ate. Oh my! We had the amazing fortune of having our room upgraded - we got to stay on the Club level at the Ritz. Now, the Ritz itself is an amazing hotel....lovely. I don't get to stay in 5 star hotels, so any room would have been great....but we got upgraded substantially. Our room was particularly lovely, with incredible views out to the water. Our floor had a special lobby with our own receptionists and a salon with all the free food and drink we could imagine. When we arrived, it was high tea; for dinner we ate their seafood appetizer buffet; then there was a dessert buffet. Wine flowed like water. In the morning, there was a breakfast buffet; before we left there was a lunch buffet. CRAZY! Every bit was delicious, and every bit was free with our room. We didn't need to go out to eat - we lived like queens (let's say princesses instead...sounds less dour or less drag-y!).
This morning we worked out -a fter all that food it felt REALLY good to do so. I ran on the treadmill, swam a bit, and we soaked in the hot tub.
I'm too tired to write more, and there is much more to say, anecdotes to tell, ruminations to share....but it is past time for sleeping. I hope more will follow in the days to come.
Kristina
Monday, April 09, 2007
Zoooom
Quick post as Tessa does some art and Ryan runs an errand...
Shep update:
He is going to be okay, but Shep was hit by a car on Saturday. It makes my stomach lurch just thinking about it, as Tessa and I witnessed the whole thing. Shep escaped past me when I opened the gate from the back to the front yard, and chased a neighbor's dog (his buddy) to play with him. Shep was so fast that that lady driving her SUV down the street didn't have a chance to stop, and she ran over his back foot. There was a significant amount of blood, and I could see all of the bones in Shep's foot....it really makes me tremble when I think of it. Our neighbor held Shep while Tessa and I raced back to the house for the car keys, jumped in the car (parked in the back alley garage) and zoomed to the front of the house to get him. Shep cried piteously, and I don't blame him, as the injury looked painful beyond belief. The neighbor helped us to load him up in the car, and we went the vet, which was mercifully open and only two blocks away. The vet met us with a team at the animal hospital, and whisked Shep away on a stretcher to assess and help. Only when Tessa and I were seated in the waiting room, Tessa hugging me and me returning that hug, did I break down and cry. What an awful thing to witness; what pain for Shep; what a traumatic experience for Shep, Tessa (she was so brave, dear girl) and I.
The long and the short is that Shep will be okay. His foot was "de-gloved" (that means what it sounds like - awful) and he broke only one toe - amazing! He is in a splint/cast and very subdued, but loving and sweet. He will heal. He had surgery to fix what was fixable, and only time will tell how it will heal and if the skin will close, or if it will be an open wound. Tomorrow we take him back for his check up.
Shep is a royal pain in the you-know-what, and I know I complain about him pulling on the leash, or shedding, or chasing other dogs to play, but man I love that dog. He is an absolutely wonderful companion, and he's part of our family. I am so grateful that things weren't worse.
Hawaii:
We leave next week. HURRAH! Dear Jenny is going to watch Shep (we'll pay her what we would have paid the kennel) so that Shep isn't with a bunch of dogs at the kennel, and he will be loved and cared for, so we are grateful. And I can't wait to plunk my derriere on a beach!
San Fran:
I leave on Thursday (returning Monday) and I'm looking forward to it - it's fun for me in my role as a stay-at-home-mom to play the role of a professional, and it's also fun to anticipate downtime on the airplane and in the hotel by myself! Best of all, at the end of the business part, I get to spend a day and a half with Carolyn. Lucky me!
Easter:
Was wonderful. We had our West Seattle friends over for brunch, and the kids went wild for the egg hunt. In the afternoon/evening, my parents, Mike, Krystal and their boys Caleb and Joshua came over for dinner (mom brought leg of lamb, and we made loads of veggies to go with it) and the kids played and the adults chatted. I felt fortunate to have such a wonderful day.
Was wonderful. We had our West Seattle friends over for brunch, and the kids went wild for the egg hunt. In the afternoon/evening, my parents, Mike, Krystal and their boys Caleb and Joshua came over for dinner (mom brought leg of lamb, and we made loads of veggies to go with it) and the kids played and the adults chatted. I felt fortunate to have such a wonderful day.
3-Day:
AMAZING. There are 23 on our team officially, and we've collectively raised almost $22,000. I can hardly believe how wonderful these women are, and how fortunate I am to have them in my life. We have a guy on the team now, too - hurrah for Kevin for being man enough to wear pink and hang with the ladies!
AMAZING. There are 23 on our team officially, and we've collectively raised almost $22,000. I can hardly believe how wonderful these women are, and how fortunate I am to have them in my life. We have a guy on the team now, too - hurrah for Kevin for being man enough to wear pink and hang with the ladies!
Race for the Cure/I am the Cure:
I have work to do, and I look forward to moving forward with it. The program is awesome and I'm glad to work with it.
I have work to do, and I look forward to moving forward with it. The program is awesome and I'm glad to work with it.
Running:
My body is not liking running right now; my sciatic pain (this is what inspired the bone scan last December...horribly painful at times but not life threatening as it turns out!) is returning and my body is angry when I run. I'm trying to do some non-impact stuff right now instead. I STILL plan on that marathon; I just need to work up to it slower than I had been, so I'm scaling back.
My body is not liking running right now; my sciatic pain (this is what inspired the bone scan last December...horribly painful at times but not life threatening as it turns out!) is returning and my body is angry when I run. I'm trying to do some non-impact stuff right now instead. I STILL plan on that marathon; I just need to work up to it slower than I had been, so I'm scaling back.
Overall health:
Pretty good, all things considered. I am regaining range of motion, I'm adjusting to the bigger-than-I'd-like-boobs, and my tumor markers are consistantly low. My thyroid is off and so we're working on getting that back together so that I won't be so **** tired - I'm really feeling fatigued right now for reasons I can't otherwise explain. I'm having Femara issues, too....joint pain, and the fatigue may be part of that. BUT it's okay: I am generally healthy and I can live with the side effects as long as they don't kill me! I also have a MUGA tomorrow to see if the occassional lightheadedness that I've been feeling, along with some other random side effects, are heart related (Herceptin) or maybe something else. I suspect that the MUGA will be fine...fingers crossed! I continue to take Herceptin.
Pretty good, all things considered. I am regaining range of motion, I'm adjusting to the bigger-than-I'd-like-boobs, and my tumor markers are consistantly low. My thyroid is off and so we're working on getting that back together so that I won't be so **** tired - I'm really feeling fatigued right now for reasons I can't otherwise explain. I'm having Femara issues, too....joint pain, and the fatigue may be part of that. BUT it's okay: I am generally healthy and I can live with the side effects as long as they don't kill me! I also have a MUGA tomorrow to see if the occassional lightheadedness that I've been feeling, along with some other random side effects, are heart related (Herceptin) or maybe something else. I suspect that the MUGA will be fine...fingers crossed! I continue to take Herceptin.
In the Easter picture with some girlfriends I can't believe how 5 extra pounds shows on me!!!! I'm working on losing it. I hit "Lifetime" for Weight Watchers on May 25 and certainly by my 1 year anniversary of hitting lifetime I plan to have lost that. Harumph! I'm supposed to be in a bikini in less than two weeks....!
There is more to post but that is all I have energy for tonight. Love to all!
Kristina
Kristina
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Time has wings
The days zoom by faster than I ever could imagine....where on earth does all the time go? Right now my house is a mess and I'm behind on laundry and I didn't even cook dinner tonight, and yet I was busy every second of the day. Yikes!
(The washing machine is running now; Tessa's beloved "Crockie" the stuffed crocodile from Orlando suffered a fall into a puddle and that got me moving. And yes, we know that if Ryan got it in Orlando, it must be a 'gator, but Tessa loves crocs right now, so a croc it is.)
And what am I doing with the 24 hours that I am allotted in a day, the same as everyone else? Well, lots of things:
- Working out! I am determined to be beach ready by Hawaii, and now that I'm not in surgery mode, I'm also determined to take good care of my health. I heard another survivor refer to exercise as her "treatment after treatment" and that really struck a chord with me. Regular exercise has been shown to reduce recurrence by up to 50%, which is FAR more effective than chemo. I never, ever would have skipped a chemo because I needed to do laundry or sweep, so I'm keeping that perspective now. Of course, chemo lasted months, and exercise lasts a lifetime, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude about it. Last week I worked out 5 times, running a total of 13 miles, and tihs week I plan to do it again (I worked out yesterday and today with plans to do it again tomorrow and Thursday). I'm able to run 3 miles in about 29 minutes, which isn't exactly a land-speed record, but when I consider how much my body has been abused lately (surgery is not kind) I'm pretty proud of it. The marathon - October - is calling and my work is set out for me.
- Physical therapy. I'm trying for twice a week right now, to make sure that I regain lost mobility. I've made huge advances since my surgery, but I'm nowhere near "normal" and I want to be better than average or normal.
- Team Warrior Women. As a team captain, I'm taking my job pretty seriously, and I have been kept busy responding to emails and communicating information to the team. I can't take much credit for it, but I am DELIGHTED to report that we have 20 official members - double last year's size! - and so far my team members have raised over $16,000. WOW! These ladies are incredible. This makes the hour or so per day that I've spent organizing things seem very, very worthwhile. We have a half a dozen survivors on the team already, and I'm inspired by them more than I can say.
- Genentech. I'm preparing for two events right now: another trip to San Fran in mid-April to film a video for the web, and a speaking engagement in Seattle on May 5.
- Komen for the Cure. I'm back into doing volunteer work, and getting ready to roll out the I am the Cure program at this year's Race for the Cure. It's exciting - but it's about to take up lots of my time.
- Co-op & swimming lessons. Tessa and I spend one day a week at co-op with her buddies Zoe and Jessie; the three girls also take swimming lessons once a week on "my" day. It's a blast to be with them, and they're good friends who play well together, but it's a very busy day. I am also co-op chair...a position I never should have taken on because I'm too busy.
- Back on Weight Watchers. A few pounds crept back on when I wasn't paying attention, and they must leave. Immediately! I'm officially doing the program again, back to writing down every morsel, measuring and weighing. It's working, as I've lost a couple pounds already, but more work is to be done so that my smallest pants fit again. (I haven't gained a full size, but things that fit a few months ago fit uncomfortably now, and that's the best way to judge how things are going!) I plan to go to a meeting on Thursday this week and next, and to prove to myself that I can get this back under control in just a few weeks. The thing about WW that's both good and bad is that it's time consuming; instead of just grabbing a scone at a coffee shop when I'm hungry, I need to plan ahead, prepare more food, plan menus carefully. I should be doing all of these things anyway,so I don't mind, but it is taking up some of my time. Ryan is joining me on the program, and I'm thrilled to have his company and to give him support.
- Playing with Tessa. She's so much fun these days (for the most part; today was a bit of an exception but I'm going to forget that asap!): we've been going swimming together - she can actually swim on her own about 10 feet, and can even take a breath sometimes; Ryan's taken her bike riding (has to be a sunny day to enjoy that); we've been walking the dog together; she's writing lots of letters and learning their sounds; we've been doing art projects almost daily (I set them up, she does them, only occassionally requesting my help). We have playdates, we sing songs, we read stories, she helps me to cook sometimes, and I'm amazed at how she grows and changes each day.
- Trying out a church. Ryan, Tessa and I went to the West Seattle Unitarian Universalist service last Sunday, and really enjoyed it. We're not committed to it at this point, but we will go back and keep trying it on for size. http://www.wsuu.org/ I like their world view, lack of dogma, and open-mindedness. I realize it's not for everyone, but then, not everyone's church/view is for me, either. :-)
Mixed in with all of this is the usual: trips to Target for hand soap and bandaids, last minute treks to the grocery store, getting gas for the car, sewing on a lost button, cleaning up dog hair (how does one dog have so much hair?!), walking Shep, going to the park, grabbing a latte, visits to the vet, my usual doctor's visits (SO much less than before, but still more than I wish), trying to write in my journal on occassion, occassional dates with Ryan, occassional girls' nights, paying bills, figuring out the taxes....there are many, many things to fill each day.
This weekend was almost perfect. On Saturday, the Landahl's came over for breakfast at our house, and we all feasted and the kids got to play together. When they left, we went to the YMCA, and Tessa and Ryan swam (his first time seeing her go - he could hardly believe it!) and I ran on the treadmill before joining them; we had a quiet evening at home, the three of us. On Sunday, we had a lovely day - the best in a long while. The three of us got up, went to the coffee shop (C&P Coffee Company) together, then went to WSUU. There was a lovely service about right livelihood, and then afterwards we went to lunch with the Hisatomi's. We came home, and did some chores, and then Ryan & Tessa went for a bike ride while I prepared a Sunday meal (lemon thyme roasted chicken with baby potatoes and asparagus - a new recipe that I would make again) and then the Starkey-Burdett's came over to join us. It was a wonderful mix of work and play.
And in this way, the days pass. I'll take it!
Love,
Kristina
PS Ryan's okay, but he took a spill on his bike. He has a terrible piece of road-rash on his thigh - it hurts me to look at it! He is working from home right now as it's really almost impossible for him to sit while it starts to heal, so we are incredibly grateful that his company allows him to work from home. He's got a system figured out for lying on the couch with his laptop on the coffee table. It's a surface wound, and it will heal, but he could use your good thoughts that it will heal quickly! He hopes to go for a bike ride this weekend again. :-)
(The washing machine is running now; Tessa's beloved "Crockie" the stuffed crocodile from Orlando suffered a fall into a puddle and that got me moving. And yes, we know that if Ryan got it in Orlando, it must be a 'gator, but Tessa loves crocs right now, so a croc it is.)
And what am I doing with the 24 hours that I am allotted in a day, the same as everyone else? Well, lots of things:
- Working out! I am determined to be beach ready by Hawaii, and now that I'm not in surgery mode, I'm also determined to take good care of my health. I heard another survivor refer to exercise as her "treatment after treatment" and that really struck a chord with me. Regular exercise has been shown to reduce recurrence by up to 50%, which is FAR more effective than chemo. I never, ever would have skipped a chemo because I needed to do laundry or sweep, so I'm keeping that perspective now. Of course, chemo lasted months, and exercise lasts a lifetime, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude about it. Last week I worked out 5 times, running a total of 13 miles, and tihs week I plan to do it again (I worked out yesterday and today with plans to do it again tomorrow and Thursday). I'm able to run 3 miles in about 29 minutes, which isn't exactly a land-speed record, but when I consider how much my body has been abused lately (surgery is not kind) I'm pretty proud of it. The marathon - October - is calling and my work is set out for me.
- Physical therapy. I'm trying for twice a week right now, to make sure that I regain lost mobility. I've made huge advances since my surgery, but I'm nowhere near "normal" and I want to be better than average or normal.
- Team Warrior Women. As a team captain, I'm taking my job pretty seriously, and I have been kept busy responding to emails and communicating information to the team. I can't take much credit for it, but I am DELIGHTED to report that we have 20 official members - double last year's size! - and so far my team members have raised over $16,000. WOW! These ladies are incredible. This makes the hour or so per day that I've spent organizing things seem very, very worthwhile. We have a half a dozen survivors on the team already, and I'm inspired by them more than I can say.
- Genentech. I'm preparing for two events right now: another trip to San Fran in mid-April to film a video for the web, and a speaking engagement in Seattle on May 5.
- Komen for the Cure. I'm back into doing volunteer work, and getting ready to roll out the I am the Cure program at this year's Race for the Cure. It's exciting - but it's about to take up lots of my time.
- Co-op & swimming lessons. Tessa and I spend one day a week at co-op with her buddies Zoe and Jessie; the three girls also take swimming lessons once a week on "my" day. It's a blast to be with them, and they're good friends who play well together, but it's a very busy day. I am also co-op chair...a position I never should have taken on because I'm too busy.
- Back on Weight Watchers. A few pounds crept back on when I wasn't paying attention, and they must leave. Immediately! I'm officially doing the program again, back to writing down every morsel, measuring and weighing. It's working, as I've lost a couple pounds already, but more work is to be done so that my smallest pants fit again. (I haven't gained a full size, but things that fit a few months ago fit uncomfortably now, and that's the best way to judge how things are going!) I plan to go to a meeting on Thursday this week and next, and to prove to myself that I can get this back under control in just a few weeks. The thing about WW that's both good and bad is that it's time consuming; instead of just grabbing a scone at a coffee shop when I'm hungry, I need to plan ahead, prepare more food, plan menus carefully. I should be doing all of these things anyway,so I don't mind, but it is taking up some of my time. Ryan is joining me on the program, and I'm thrilled to have his company and to give him support.
- Playing with Tessa. She's so much fun these days (for the most part; today was a bit of an exception but I'm going to forget that asap!): we've been going swimming together - she can actually swim on her own about 10 feet, and can even take a breath sometimes; Ryan's taken her bike riding (has to be a sunny day to enjoy that); we've been walking the dog together; she's writing lots of letters and learning their sounds; we've been doing art projects almost daily (I set them up, she does them, only occassionally requesting my help). We have playdates, we sing songs, we read stories, she helps me to cook sometimes, and I'm amazed at how she grows and changes each day.
- Trying out a church. Ryan, Tessa and I went to the West Seattle Unitarian Universalist service last Sunday, and really enjoyed it. We're not committed to it at this point, but we will go back and keep trying it on for size. http://www.wsuu.org/ I like their world view, lack of dogma, and open-mindedness. I realize it's not for everyone, but then, not everyone's church/view is for me, either. :-)
Mixed in with all of this is the usual: trips to Target for hand soap and bandaids, last minute treks to the grocery store, getting gas for the car, sewing on a lost button, cleaning up dog hair (how does one dog have so much hair?!), walking Shep, going to the park, grabbing a latte, visits to the vet, my usual doctor's visits (SO much less than before, but still more than I wish), trying to write in my journal on occassion, occassional dates with Ryan, occassional girls' nights, paying bills, figuring out the taxes....there are many, many things to fill each day.
This weekend was almost perfect. On Saturday, the Landahl's came over for breakfast at our house, and we all feasted and the kids got to play together. When they left, we went to the YMCA, and Tessa and Ryan swam (his first time seeing her go - he could hardly believe it!) and I ran on the treadmill before joining them; we had a quiet evening at home, the three of us. On Sunday, we had a lovely day - the best in a long while. The three of us got up, went to the coffee shop (C&P Coffee Company) together, then went to WSUU. There was a lovely service about right livelihood, and then afterwards we went to lunch with the Hisatomi's. We came home, and did some chores, and then Ryan & Tessa went for a bike ride while I prepared a Sunday meal (lemon thyme roasted chicken with baby potatoes and asparagus - a new recipe that I would make again) and then the Starkey-Burdett's came over to join us. It was a wonderful mix of work and play.
And in this way, the days pass. I'll take it!
Love,
Kristina
PS Ryan's okay, but he took a spill on his bike. He has a terrible piece of road-rash on his thigh - it hurts me to look at it! He is working from home right now as it's really almost impossible for him to sit while it starts to heal, so we are incredibly grateful that his company allows him to work from home. He's got a system figured out for lying on the couch with his laptop on the coffee table. It's a surface wound, and it will heal, but he could use your good thoughts that it will heal quickly! He hopes to go for a bike ride this weekend again. :-)
Monday, March 19, 2007
Wrong size
(Note: Today's rant is not about YOUR breasts, it's about MINE. I don't have any problem with any breast sizes. Big, small, I don't care: it's being healthy that matters. Please don't tell me that you wouldn't complain if somebody made your breasts bigger. This is not about your breasts, it's about mine. This is about my dealing with my body, but isn't in any way a judgement on anybody else's body.)
Today it hit me - not all at once, as this has been building over time - that I am the wrong breast size. I find myself tearful and angry as a result.
Many women have had this experience, I'm sure, but my difference is that they didn't have 7 surgeries to get there and then decide that it was wrong.
I asked for a B/C (full B or small C) cup, and I find myself a full D. These boobs are alien to me - they feel TOO voluptuous, they rub against my arms, and they're heavy. When I roll over in bed at night, they're in the way. My shirts all pull because I wear a size small (fits me in the shoulders and the lower torso) and they're now tight across the chest. If I get a size medium shirt, then the shoulders droop.
I have a smaller than average frame (something I didn't realize about myself until I lost the weight - I guess Tessa comes by her slim body naturally!) and the smaller-than-average-frame with the bigger-than-average-boobs is just wrong. It doesn't fit the rest of me. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd been born with it, but since they're fake it seems really, really wrong. They're much bigger than my original boobs. It's almost impossible to find bras - my size is unusual. The boobs are so wide that they go under my armpits...they don't fit on my chest.
And I'm peeved about it. All this, only to end up with a D??? I want to be an athlete; I want to run marathons! Sure, some women do it with a D, but that's because it's what they got naturally and pretty much all runners complain about big boobs. I didn't go to all this work to get something I don't want!!!
I called the surgeon today, and she said that there is probably still swelling. We'll see - I don't see how it could be swollen but she said they should shrink down. In three months, if they're still too big, I can have surgery #8 to have them reduced.
The thought of another surgery has me weeping. I don't want to do it! ENOUGH! I am tired of being sliced open, I'm tired of needles, and I'm tired of recovery.
But I don't want to be a 32D, either. :-(
It is official: I will not be done with breast surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary. I thought that two years would be enough....it doesn't seem fair. But nobody said this would be fair.
Today it hit me - not all at once, as this has been building over time - that I am the wrong breast size. I find myself tearful and angry as a result.
Many women have had this experience, I'm sure, but my difference is that they didn't have 7 surgeries to get there and then decide that it was wrong.
I asked for a B/C (full B or small C) cup, and I find myself a full D. These boobs are alien to me - they feel TOO voluptuous, they rub against my arms, and they're heavy. When I roll over in bed at night, they're in the way. My shirts all pull because I wear a size small (fits me in the shoulders and the lower torso) and they're now tight across the chest. If I get a size medium shirt, then the shoulders droop.
I have a smaller than average frame (something I didn't realize about myself until I lost the weight - I guess Tessa comes by her slim body naturally!) and the smaller-than-average-frame with the bigger-than-average-boobs is just wrong. It doesn't fit the rest of me. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd been born with it, but since they're fake it seems really, really wrong. They're much bigger than my original boobs. It's almost impossible to find bras - my size is unusual. The boobs are so wide that they go under my armpits...they don't fit on my chest.
And I'm peeved about it. All this, only to end up with a D??? I want to be an athlete; I want to run marathons! Sure, some women do it with a D, but that's because it's what they got naturally and pretty much all runners complain about big boobs. I didn't go to all this work to get something I don't want!!!
I called the surgeon today, and she said that there is probably still swelling. We'll see - I don't see how it could be swollen but she said they should shrink down. In three months, if they're still too big, I can have surgery #8 to have them reduced.
The thought of another surgery has me weeping. I don't want to do it! ENOUGH! I am tired of being sliced open, I'm tired of needles, and I'm tired of recovery.
But I don't want to be a 32D, either. :-(
It is official: I will not be done with breast surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary. I thought that two years would be enough....it doesn't seem fair. But nobody said this would be fair.
Wrong size
(Note: Today's rant is not about YOUR breasts, it's about MINE. I don't have any problem with any breast sizes. Big, small, I don't care: it's being healthy that matters. Please don't tell me that you wouldn't complain if somebody made your breasts bigger. This is not about your breasts, it's about mine. This is about my dealing with my body, but isn't in any way a judgement on anybody else's body.)
Today it hit me - not all at once, as this has been building over time - that I am the wrong breast size. I find myself tearful and angry as a result.
Many women have had this experience, I'm sure, but my difference is that they didn't have 7 surgeries to get there and then decide that it was wrong.
I asked for a B/C (full B or small C) cup, and I find myself a full D. These boobs are alien to me - they feel TOO voluptuous, they rub against my arms, and they're heavy. When I roll over in bed at night, they're in the way. My shirts all pull because I wear a size small (fits me in the shoulders and the lower torso) and they're now tight across the chest. If I get a size medium shirt, then the shoulders droop.
And I'm peeved about it. All this, only to end up with a D??? I want to be an athlete; I want to run marathons! Sure, some women do it with a D, but that's because it's what they got naturally and pretty much all runners complain about big boobs. I didn't go to all this work to get something I don't want!!!
I called the surgeon today, and she said that there is probably still swelling. We'll see - I don't see how it could be swollen but she said they should shrink down. In three months, if they're still too big, I can have surgery #8 to have them reduced.
The thought of another surgery has me weeping. I don't want to do it! ENOUGH! I am tired of being sliced open, I'm tired of needles, and I'm tired of recovery.
But I don't want to be a 32D, either. :-(
It is official: I will not be done with breast surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary. I thought that two years would be enough....it doesn't seem fair. But nobody said this would be fair.
Today it hit me - not all at once, as this has been building over time - that I am the wrong breast size. I find myself tearful and angry as a result.
Many women have had this experience, I'm sure, but my difference is that they didn't have 7 surgeries to get there and then decide that it was wrong.
I asked for a B/C (full B or small C) cup, and I find myself a full D. These boobs are alien to me - they feel TOO voluptuous, they rub against my arms, and they're heavy. When I roll over in bed at night, they're in the way. My shirts all pull because I wear a size small (fits me in the shoulders and the lower torso) and they're now tight across the chest. If I get a size medium shirt, then the shoulders droop.
And I'm peeved about it. All this, only to end up with a D??? I want to be an athlete; I want to run marathons! Sure, some women do it with a D, but that's because it's what they got naturally and pretty much all runners complain about big boobs. I didn't go to all this work to get something I don't want!!!
I called the surgeon today, and she said that there is probably still swelling. We'll see - I don't see how it could be swollen but she said they should shrink down. In three months, if they're still too big, I can have surgery #8 to have them reduced.
The thought of another surgery has me weeping. I don't want to do it! ENOUGH! I am tired of being sliced open, I'm tired of needles, and I'm tired of recovery.
But I don't want to be a 32D, either. :-(
It is official: I will not be done with breast surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary. I thought that two years would be enough....it doesn't seem fair. But nobody said this would be fair.
Friday, March 16, 2007
15 and $9500
Today I logged in to the Warrior Women website for the 3-Day
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
and my smile couldn't be bigger. Our team is 15 women strong and growing...and my amazing friends have raised $9500+ so far. Every day I see the numbers climb a little bit, and I think:
"When our daughters are women, breast cancer will be a thing of the past. They will not live in fear: they will live proud of the work of their mothers before them. Our daughters will keep their breasts, and their lives, because of the work we do."
Our daughters, daughter-in-laws, nieces, friends, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins....ourselves.
Of course, there is a LOT of work to be done between now and then, but I believe we can do it. My fourteen friends - some new, some old - are working hard. Our work will make a difference!
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
and my smile couldn't be bigger. Our team is 15 women strong and growing...and my amazing friends have raised $9500+ so far. Every day I see the numbers climb a little bit, and I think:
"When our daughters are women, breast cancer will be a thing of the past. They will not live in fear: they will live proud of the work of their mothers before them. Our daughters will keep their breasts, and their lives, because of the work we do."
Our daughters, daughter-in-laws, nieces, friends, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins....ourselves.
Of course, there is a LOT of work to be done between now and then, but I believe we can do it. My fourteen friends - some new, some old - are working hard. Our work will make a difference!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
"Shoulds" that I can live with
Maybe this is why my 30s are better than my 20s, despite the obvious problems...
(Written by someone else...one of those emails distributed all over the place)
1. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
2. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
3. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
4. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
5. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
6. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
7. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
8. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
9. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
10. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
11. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
12. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
13. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
14. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
15. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... 16. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
17. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally..
18. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
19. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
(Written by someone else...one of those emails distributed all over the place)
1. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
2. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
3. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
4. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
5. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
6. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
7. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
8. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
9. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
10. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
11. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
12. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
13. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
14. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
15. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... 16. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
17. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally..
18. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
19. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
Being healthy
Now that I'm feeling relatively good, I'm ready to work at really being healthy again. My pants are telling me that the "I deserve a scone because I'm about to have surgery/having surgery/just had surgery" attitude did not pay off, and I'm ready to work on being well again.
Time for the gym; time for Pilates (argh!); time for outdoor runs. And time, I'm afraid, to kiss the scones goodbye. It's worth it, though: Hawaii (and my bikini!) calls to me, and I am determined to enjoy my time on the beach feeling unselfconscious, kissed by the sun, admired by my husband. :-) (To Ryan's credit, he is always super kind about my weight, and always tells me that I'm beautiful....but I know the difference so I want to make sure that I EARN his admiration, not just get it because he has to. :-) )
Time for the gym; time for Pilates (argh!); time for outdoor runs. And time, I'm afraid, to kiss the scones goodbye. It's worth it, though: Hawaii (and my bikini!) calls to me, and I am determined to enjoy my time on the beach feeling unselfconscious, kissed by the sun, admired by my husband. :-) (To Ryan's credit, he is always super kind about my weight, and always tells me that I'm beautiful....but I know the difference so I want to make sure that I EARN his admiration, not just get it because he has to. :-) )
Monday, March 12, 2007
I love survivor stories!
From the Pacific Northwest Magazine this weekend - stories of people who have survived despite the odds. If they can do it, maybe I can do it too. I'm counting on it!
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/pacificnw03112007/2003608432_pacificpsurvivor11.html
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/pacificnw03112007/2003608432_pacificpsurvivor11.html
Humbly asking for your help again
Dear friends and family,
I have asked for your help many times in the past two years, and you have given it to me: I lost count a long time ago about how many meals were made, how many hours Tessa was cared for, how many cards were written, how many gifts of friendship and kindness were offered and received. Every gift is marked in my heart, though, and I am more grateful than I can say. I couldn't have made it without you, and I know in my deepest heart that I have you to be thankful toward for getting me through the worst times of my life.
I am asking for your help again: please support me in The Breast Cancer 3-Day to fund Susan G. Komen for the Cure's research to end breast cancer.
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
I am grateful to be NED (no evidence of disease); all of my scans show that the cancer is being kept at bay, and that I am healthy. Almost two years since my diagnosis, I am nearly rebuilt...Humpty Dumpty is being put back together again. It's hard to believe how much has happened to me since June 2005: two mastectomies, a node dissection, port placement, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, hysterectomy/oopharectomy, and multiple reconstruction surgeries, in addition to the continuation of Femara and Herceptin (drugs designed to keep the cancer away). I lost count a long time ago about how many needles, how many scans, or how many blood tests. I keep working hard to be well, watching my diet and exercise, taking my meds, undergoing reconstruction, going to physical therapy. Cancer is hard work, but I don't mind the work as long as I stay healthy.
I feel that now, when I am healthy, my real work is ahead of me. I am asking for your support to fund the cure. My real work is to end breast cancer for everyone, now that my personal battles are (hopefully) behind me.
This year, again, I am participating in The Breast Cancer 3-Day. I will raise pledges and commit to walking 60 miles over the course of three days (September 7-9, 2007) in an effort to end breast cancer. Last year, my team of ten raised $32,000, and this year we are determined to raise even more money to fund vital research to end breast cancer. I am incredibly grateful to all of our donors from last year: we are making a difference, and I can't do it without you. I humbly ask for your support again, so that we can get steps closer to the cure this year.
I hate breast cancer. One in eight women will be diagnosed in her lifetime, and I am sick to death of it. I am surrounded by breast cancer, not just in my support groups but elsewhere. My neighbor, Mira, was diagnosed with stage IV a year after me. Another neighbor's mom - herself a very young woman - was diagnosed last year. Just last week, one of Ryan's colleagues was diagnosed. I know that many of the people on this email have been touched by breast cancer by people other than myself - sister in laws, moms, grandmas, and friends. Nobody is immune from this hateful disease, and we must stop it!I am dedicating my life's work to ending breast cancer, and I need your help. Together, we can end breast cancer...I am sure of it!I am committed to raising a mimimum of $2200.00, and I am leading a team of women who are, together, committed to raising much more: we hope to raise $60,000.00 this year. Please support me by going to the 3-Day website and making your pledge:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Or, consider joining me in the walk! Join my team, Warrior Women:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/warriorwomen
I walk so that my beautiful daughter Tessa may live in a world without breast cancer. Will you please support me?
Kristina Surface
I have asked for your help many times in the past two years, and you have given it to me: I lost count a long time ago about how many meals were made, how many hours Tessa was cared for, how many cards were written, how many gifts of friendship and kindness were offered and received. Every gift is marked in my heart, though, and I am more grateful than I can say. I couldn't have made it without you, and I know in my deepest heart that I have you to be thankful toward for getting me through the worst times of my life.
I am asking for your help again: please support me in The Breast Cancer 3-Day to fund Susan G. Komen for the Cure's research to end breast cancer.
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
I am grateful to be NED (no evidence of disease); all of my scans show that the cancer is being kept at bay, and that I am healthy. Almost two years since my diagnosis, I am nearly rebuilt...Humpty Dumpty is being put back together again. It's hard to believe how much has happened to me since June 2005: two mastectomies, a node dissection, port placement, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, hysterectomy/oopharectomy, and multiple reconstruction surgeries, in addition to the continuation of Femara and Herceptin (drugs designed to keep the cancer away). I lost count a long time ago about how many needles, how many scans, or how many blood tests. I keep working hard to be well, watching my diet and exercise, taking my meds, undergoing reconstruction, going to physical therapy. Cancer is hard work, but I don't mind the work as long as I stay healthy.
I feel that now, when I am healthy, my real work is ahead of me. I am asking for your support to fund the cure. My real work is to end breast cancer for everyone, now that my personal battles are (hopefully) behind me.
This year, again, I am participating in The Breast Cancer 3-Day. I will raise pledges and commit to walking 60 miles over the course of three days (September 7-9, 2007) in an effort to end breast cancer. Last year, my team of ten raised $32,000, and this year we are determined to raise even more money to fund vital research to end breast cancer. I am incredibly grateful to all of our donors from last year: we are making a difference, and I can't do it without you. I humbly ask for your support again, so that we can get steps closer to the cure this year.
I hate breast cancer. One in eight women will be diagnosed in her lifetime, and I am sick to death of it. I am surrounded by breast cancer, not just in my support groups but elsewhere. My neighbor, Mira, was diagnosed with stage IV a year after me. Another neighbor's mom - herself a very young woman - was diagnosed last year. Just last week, one of Ryan's colleagues was diagnosed. I know that many of the people on this email have been touched by breast cancer by people other than myself - sister in laws, moms, grandmas, and friends. Nobody is immune from this hateful disease, and we must stop it!I am dedicating my life's work to ending breast cancer, and I need your help. Together, we can end breast cancer...I am sure of it!I am committed to raising a mimimum of $2200.00, and I am leading a team of women who are, together, committed to raising much more: we hope to raise $60,000.00 this year. Please support me by going to the 3-Day website and making your pledge:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Or, consider joining me in the walk! Join my team, Warrior Women:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/warriorwomen
I walk so that my beautiful daughter Tessa may live in a world without breast cancer. Will you please support me?
Kristina Surface
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Two!
I am so excited to have to boobs. Never thought I'd say those words - let alone say them on the internet - but there it is. It's one step closer to normal, and normal sounds pretty darn exhilerating these days.
Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon, and she removed the bandages and checked everything out. Things are healing nicely (and ahead of schedule), and I was given the thumbs' up to go bra shopping and to take a shower. I'm not sure which of those two excited me more - I am sick of wearing bras with pockets and surgical bras etc, but I also hadn't taken a shower (instead sponge baths and washing my hair over the sink) since the day of surgery.
In the best news of all, I'm already gaining mobility in my left arm. I need to get in to physical therapy asap, but I can lift my elbow above my shoulder on my left side again, and that really makes me hopeful.
I'm not allowed to start running for another week, and that's okay - I'm still pretty wiped out. After yesterday's trip to the doctor and then bra shopping, I was so wiped out that I was in bed at 7pm and it felt like 3am to me. One day at a time...and each is better than the last.
My mom has helped SO much with Tessa; Tessa is with her now. I don't know how I'd have done this without her! I love you, Mom. :-)
Kristina
Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon, and she removed the bandages and checked everything out. Things are healing nicely (and ahead of schedule), and I was given the thumbs' up to go bra shopping and to take a shower. I'm not sure which of those two excited me more - I am sick of wearing bras with pockets and surgical bras etc, but I also hadn't taken a shower (instead sponge baths and washing my hair over the sink) since the day of surgery.
In the best news of all, I'm already gaining mobility in my left arm. I need to get in to physical therapy asap, but I can lift my elbow above my shoulder on my left side again, and that really makes me hopeful.
I'm not allowed to start running for another week, and that's okay - I'm still pretty wiped out. After yesterday's trip to the doctor and then bra shopping, I was so wiped out that I was in bed at 7pm and it felt like 3am to me. One day at a time...and each is better than the last.
My mom has helped SO much with Tessa; Tessa is with her now. I don't know how I'd have done this without her! I love you, Mom. :-)
Kristina
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The upswing
Well, today I am feeling a lot better than yesterday; I think that I'm on the healing trend now. Hallelujah - I'm tired of being a patient, and I'm tired of lounging in bed. Daytime TV is NOT interesting, and when I'm tired/uncomfortable/in pain/groggy from meds then I don't feel up to reading much. But today, I feel like maybe I can tackle a few things, and start to behave like a more normal person.
And speaking of normal people...
Underneath this huge, awful, white cotton bra that resembles a mini straitjacket, there are two breasts. Two! They are bruised (ouch), scarred, bandaged, and swollen, but they are mine. Soon, when I hug my daughter, there will be something soft for her to lean on. I will be able to wear tank tops and strapless dresses this summer. I will run on the beach in a bathing suit, and though my scars will be visible (about 12 inches of them across my back, for starters) the first thing people think when they see me will not be "cancer."
And the ugly little port is gone, too. I should be more sentimental towards it, given how much it helped me during the last 21 months...but instead, I am just relieved that it's gone.
And mobility? Well, the judge is still out on that one. I'm really tender on the left side, and so I have a lot of work to do - time to call Adrienne to set up PT appts. I'm hopeful, though. By the the fall, I plan to work out at the gym on all the weights, upper and lower body. And I plan to take some yoga classes. The mobility is a huge issue, but I'll work on it.
It will happen. Bit by bit, it's happening. Today it's my simple goal to walk around the block...but in October it's my goal to run a marathon. My work is cut out for me!
And speaking of normal people...
Underneath this huge, awful, white cotton bra that resembles a mini straitjacket, there are two breasts. Two! They are bruised (ouch), scarred, bandaged, and swollen, but they are mine. Soon, when I hug my daughter, there will be something soft for her to lean on. I will be able to wear tank tops and strapless dresses this summer. I will run on the beach in a bathing suit, and though my scars will be visible (about 12 inches of them across my back, for starters) the first thing people think when they see me will not be "cancer."
And the ugly little port is gone, too. I should be more sentimental towards it, given how much it helped me during the last 21 months...but instead, I am just relieved that it's gone.
And mobility? Well, the judge is still out on that one. I'm really tender on the left side, and so I have a lot of work to do - time to call Adrienne to set up PT appts. I'm hopeful, though. By the the fall, I plan to work out at the gym on all the weights, upper and lower body. And I plan to take some yoga classes. The mobility is a huge issue, but I'll work on it.
It will happen. Bit by bit, it's happening. Today it's my simple goal to walk around the block...but in October it's my goal to run a marathon. My work is cut out for me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
