Wrong size

(Note: Today's rant is not about YOUR breasts, it's about MINE. I don't have any problem with any breast sizes. Big, small, I don't care: it's being healthy that matters. Please don't tell me that you wouldn't complain if somebody made your breasts bigger. This is not about your breasts, it's about mine. This is about my dealing with my body, but isn't in any way a judgement on anybody else's body.)

Today it hit me - not all at once, as this has been building over time - that I am the wrong breast size. I find myself tearful and angry as a result.

Many women have had this experience, I'm sure, but my difference is that they didn't have 7 surgeries to get there and then decide that it was wrong.

I asked for a B/C (full B or small C) cup, and I find myself a full D. These boobs are alien to me - they feel TOO voluptuous, they rub against my arms, and they're heavy. When I roll over in bed at night, they're in the way. My shirts all pull because I wear a size small (fits me in the shoulders and the lower torso) and they're now tight across the chest. If I get a size medium shirt, then the shoulders droop.

I have a smaller than average frame (something I didn't realize about myself until I lost the weight - I guess Tessa comes by her slim body naturally!) and the smaller-than-average-frame with the bigger-than-average-boobs is just wrong. It doesn't fit the rest of me. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd been born with it, but since they're fake it seems really, really wrong. They're much bigger than my original boobs. It's almost impossible to find bras - my size is unusual. The boobs are so wide that they go under my armpits...they don't fit on my chest.

And I'm peeved about it. All this, only to end up with a D??? I want to be an athlete; I want to run marathons! Sure, some women do it with a D, but that's because it's what they got naturally and pretty much all runners complain about big boobs. I didn't go to all this work to get something I don't want!!!

I called the surgeon today, and she said that there is probably still swelling. We'll see - I don't see how it could be swollen but she said they should shrink down. In three months, if they're still too big, I can have surgery #8 to have them reduced.

The thought of another surgery has me weeping. I don't want to do it! ENOUGH! I am tired of being sliced open, I'm tired of needles, and I'm tired of recovery.

But I don't want to be a 32D, either. :-(

It is official: I will not be done with breast surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary. I thought that two years would be enough....it doesn't seem fair. But nobody said this would be fair.