I'm starting to think that now might be a good time to find my therapist's phone number. I haven't been in about a year, but perhaps I should.
I am feeling stuck.
Stuck in Cancerland.
A few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck, not far from where the scar from the August/September 2009 debacle was. I waited a week, and the lump didn't go away. I made an appointment with my oncologist, and she affirmed it: yes, there are lumps. The "big" one that I felt (about the size of my index fingernail) and a few smaller ones. In a chain, probably lymph nodes. Only on one side of my neck. (Not the cancer side, though.)
My doctor is wise, and trustworthy. She suggested that I might have some underlying infection, and that I should take antibiotics to see if that made my nodes return to normal. Because of the r ecent surgery, the anatomy of my nodes might be different; closer to the skin or something - and maybe that is why we could only feel them on one side. She said that she could not tell why they were large - they did not pathologically feel like cancer (not rock hard) but she couldn't say that it wasn't, either. She said "Maybe you just have a squirrely neck" (which Ryan thinks is hysterical; he says I have squirrels in my neck).
I finished the antibiotics several days ago. The lumps are still there.
So now, I have to find the energy to pick up the phone and make follow up appointments with my oncologist and the neck surgeon who operated on me last fall. I need to go see my GP, as well, to discuss my thyroid issues, which may be the source of my fatigue. (I've had thyroid issues for years, and chemo has exacerbated them.) And I really should call the therapist instead of whining here.
Since I entered Cancerland almost five years ago, I have not had a solid six months without problems or surgery or some heinous side effect. Some months have been great, some have been horrid, but it's been a roller coaster. I honestly feel like I haven't had time to catch my breath....for five years.
Five years is a long time to be out of breath, and I'm tired. And feeling very stuck.
Who I want to be: Energetic, grateful, active.
Who I am: Tired, and grateful to be alive but resentful at so much of this trouble. Stuck.
I am optimistic about living a long life. And I am grateful, and happy, for so much. But I want out of Cancerland, right now. Badly. It's a desperate feeling.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Dreameries
A few weeks ago, I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman's office space. It wasn't a whole room, just a desk at the end of a hall, but it was so feminine and pretty that it simply spoke to me, called to me.
I tore the page out of the magazine and stared at it for some time, returning to it again and again. What was it that it said to me? Why was I so drawn to it?
I think that the answer is that I needed a space to call my very own. Of course, we have a home filled with my influence, but I share all of my spaces with my family. Half of our small closet is mine, my very own; I have my own dresser, too. But these are functional, practical places that don't get a chance to have much personality. I wanted my own space to work, to relax, to think. A place to write, to dream....and to surround myself with things that inspire me.
The original picture was so obviously personal to the woman who owned it; there were feminine wallpapers, artwork, baskets, flowers. That's what I wanted. No, needed.
I looked around our house, and realized that the dresser in the guest room was filled with things that nobody ever used, and that with it removed, there was plenty of space in the guest room for my vision. Out the dresser went! Next, I wanted a desk. Something white, feminine, and only mine. Not a desk for paying bills; not a desk for surfing the web; not a desk for Tessa's art projects. My own desk, for writing letters, writing stories, displaying things that mean something to me.
I hunted on Craigslist for a few weeks and found what I was looking for this past weekend. So cheap it was almost free; just the right size; huge amounts of girliness.
I already had some art to put up - the Impressionist picture of two girls at the piano that I purchased in Paris in 1991; the picture of a woman reading in a garden. A few candles, a pretty vase filled with lilacs from our garden, a glass box filled with pretty notecards and silver pens, and I was nearly done.
Craigslist to the rescue one more time: a large corkboard. The plan is to paint the wood and cover the cork in a pretty fabric, but I pressed it into use right away without doing that (it will happen in its own time). I've covered it with pictures and words that speak to me, that soothe me. One day I might use it as a storyboard for my novel. It's a type of vision board, but one that I intend to change around routinely. My visions aren't of wealth and fame - they're of peace and tranquility. Right now it's mostly covered with pictures of gardens, of picnics, of jars filled with flowers. I didn't set out to do that, I just chose things that spoke to me, and that must be where I am right now.
This is my place to dream. Michele nicknamed it The Dreamery, and indeed, that is what it is. Just a little corner in which to think. A place to rest my eyes and remember who I am. A place for quiet and order and beauty.
The scent of lilacs fills the room; it feels light and airy. I feel inspired here.
I needed that. Ahhhhhh.
I tore the page out of the magazine and stared at it for some time, returning to it again and again. What was it that it said to me? Why was I so drawn to it?
I think that the answer is that I needed a space to call my very own. Of course, we have a home filled with my influence, but I share all of my spaces with my family. Half of our small closet is mine, my very own; I have my own dresser, too. But these are functional, practical places that don't get a chance to have much personality. I wanted my own space to work, to relax, to think. A place to write, to dream....and to surround myself with things that inspire me.
The original picture was so obviously personal to the woman who owned it; there were feminine wallpapers, artwork, baskets, flowers. That's what I wanted. No, needed.
I looked around our house, and realized that the dresser in the guest room was filled with things that nobody ever used, and that with it removed, there was plenty of space in the guest room for my vision. Out the dresser went! Next, I wanted a desk. Something white, feminine, and only mine. Not a desk for paying bills; not a desk for surfing the web; not a desk for Tessa's art projects. My own desk, for writing letters, writing stories, displaying things that mean something to me.
I hunted on Craigslist for a few weeks and found what I was looking for this past weekend. So cheap it was almost free; just the right size; huge amounts of girliness.
I already had some art to put up - the Impressionist picture of two girls at the piano that I purchased in Paris in 1991; the picture of a woman reading in a garden. A few candles, a pretty vase filled with lilacs from our garden, a glass box filled with pretty notecards and silver pens, and I was nearly done.
Craigslist to the rescue one more time: a large corkboard. The plan is to paint the wood and cover the cork in a pretty fabric, but I pressed it into use right away without doing that (it will happen in its own time). I've covered it with pictures and words that speak to me, that soothe me. One day I might use it as a storyboard for my novel. It's a type of vision board, but one that I intend to change around routinely. My visions aren't of wealth and fame - they're of peace and tranquility. Right now it's mostly covered with pictures of gardens, of picnics, of jars filled with flowers. I didn't set out to do that, I just chose things that spoke to me, and that must be where I am right now.
This is my place to dream. Michele nicknamed it The Dreamery, and indeed, that is what it is. Just a little corner in which to think. A place to rest my eyes and remember who I am. A place for quiet and order and beauty.
The scent of lilacs fills the room; it feels light and airy. I feel inspired here.
I needed that. Ahhhhhh.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Places that elevate my blood pressure
Number one on the list: oncology offices.
I thought I was doing well at the doctor's office today, as Michele and Ryan (who surprised me by showing up, a very sweet gesture) took good care of me. Still, when the nurse took my BP, it was 151/93. Good grief. Imagine what it would have been if they weren't there!
I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to make sure that what appears to be a minor lymph node thing goes away with antibiotics, so I will get to visit the lovely doctor again then.
In the meantime, I'll just sing my favorite song:
All will be well,
all will be well;
All manner of things
Will be well.
(Meg Barnhouse from Mango Thoughts in a Meatloaf Town)
I thought I was doing well at the doctor's office today, as Michele and Ryan (who surprised me by showing up, a very sweet gesture) took good care of me. Still, when the nurse took my BP, it was 151/93. Good grief. Imagine what it would have been if they weren't there!
I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to make sure that what appears to be a minor lymph node thing goes away with antibiotics, so I will get to visit the lovely doctor again then.
In the meantime, I'll just sing my favorite song:
All will be well,
all will be well;
All manner of things
Will be well.
(Meg Barnhouse from Mango Thoughts in a Meatloaf Town)
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Garden beginnings
I have accomplished pretty much nothing in the past 48 hours. As my appointment looms, I get more and more frozen. Joy, joy. (Sarcasm.)
But I did finally get into the garden. I planted a row of carrot seeds, a row of swiss chard seeds, and two rows of mixed lettuce starts. I got three pea plants into the ground, and put sweet peas in pots mixed in with the strawberries for bursts of color (the blue pots look good even when they only have an inch of green sticking up).
I can start to imagine how the garden will look in a month or two. The herbs are growing already, the tulips are bigger, and the roses are fuller.
Maybe this will be a good spring.
But I did finally get into the garden. I planted a row of carrot seeds, a row of swiss chard seeds, and two rows of mixed lettuce starts. I got three pea plants into the ground, and put sweet peas in pots mixed in with the strawberries for bursts of color (the blue pots look good even when they only have an inch of green sticking up).
I can start to imagine how the garden will look in a month or two. The herbs are growing already, the tulips are bigger, and the roses are fuller.
Maybe this will be a good spring.
Poll: How much time do you spend cooking each day?
I am distracting myself. Less than 24 hours 'til my oncologist appointment. Ugh.
-----
I heard on a podcast recently that the average woman used to spend an hour and a half in the kitchen each day, but the average woman now spends 8 minutes a day on meal preparation.
8 minutes? REALLY?
How long do you spend cooking each day? Hands on time, plus time in the oven....
Here's how my day usually looks, cooking wise:
Breakfast:
- boil water, grind coffee for French Press coffee: 5 minutes (less?)
- boil water, add oatmeal, cook for 5 minutes, add berries, cook for one minute, add yogurt and maple syrup: 10 minutes
OR
- Home made granola....10 minutes prep and 35 minutes cooking, but it makes a big batch that lasts at least a week
Lunch:
- Tessa: grilled cheese sandwich (5-10 minutes), plus sliced apples or other fruit; or macaroni and cheese and fruit; or some other random thing
- Me: tossed salad with avocado, goat cheese, sliced veggies, and some home made balsalmic dressing: 10 mins; or leftovers; or a sandwich 5-10 minutes
- Ryan: leftovers plus fruit and nuts; or a salad with grilled chicken or salmon or steak or shrimp added (10 minutes)
....on the weekends we eat together, could be anything, often ploughman's platter of cheese, crackers or bread, smoked salmon, fruit, cut up veggies 10 mins
Dinner:
The most variance of the day is dinner, and it's also where I spend most of my time. Here are some common meals at our house:
- Pizza: home made pizza dough (10 minutes), home made pizza sauce (10 minutes), sliced toppings (5 minutes), plus salad (10 minutes)= 35 minutes plus cooking time of 20 minutes
- Stirfry: make marinade 5 minutes, chop chicken or steak, marinate (anywhere from half hour to all day), chop veggies 10-15 minutes, cook rice 1 minute prep 40 minutes cooking, do stirfry, 10-15 minutes= 45 minutes total
- Soup: make stock (40 minutes for veggie stock, or a couple hours for chicken stock, of which most of the time is just occassional stirring); chop veggies (15 minutes); saute onion, carrot, and celery (10 minutes); put together and simmer (30 minutes) =95 minutes total
- Grilled salmon: quick season salmon (2 minutes) and grill (12 minutes); chop veggies and steam or stirfry (10-15 minutes); chop potatoes and toss with olive oil and rosemary and then roast (25-40 minutes)= 40 minutes
This, of course, doesn't count setting the table or clearing it, and cleaning the kitchen. I spend a lot of my life planning for, shopping, preparing, eating, and cleaning up after food.
In short? I am not an 8 minute girl! I am not even counting extras like baking (made cookies this week, banana bread last week) and bread making (do it all the time), and the like. Plus, on weekends we'll have friends over and make something more elaborate, and I'll make dessert, and appetizers. I'll often make a salad to go on the side, and that's all about chopping (plus, I like to make my own dressing).
I know lots of women who cook more than I do, and lots who cook less. But 8 minutes? Really? Is that microwave meals and cereal? How on earth do you do that? Making a salad with more than a couple of ingredients takes longer than that!
There are days when I spend all day in the kitchen, and there are days when I demand that we go out to eat, but I figure I easily spend an hour or two in the kitchen preparing food each day. Easily. Add clean up time and it's closer to two hours.
How much time do you spend on food each day?
-----
I heard on a podcast recently that the average woman used to spend an hour and a half in the kitchen each day, but the average woman now spends 8 minutes a day on meal preparation.
8 minutes? REALLY?
How long do you spend cooking each day? Hands on time, plus time in the oven....
Here's how my day usually looks, cooking wise:
Breakfast:
- boil water, grind coffee for French Press coffee: 5 minutes (less?)
- boil water, add oatmeal, cook for 5 minutes, add berries, cook for one minute, add yogurt and maple syrup: 10 minutes
OR
- Home made granola....10 minutes prep and 35 minutes cooking, but it makes a big batch that lasts at least a week
Lunch:
- Tessa: grilled cheese sandwich (5-10 minutes), plus sliced apples or other fruit; or macaroni and cheese and fruit; or some other random thing
- Me: tossed salad with avocado, goat cheese, sliced veggies, and some home made balsalmic dressing: 10 mins; or leftovers; or a sandwich 5-10 minutes
- Ryan: leftovers plus fruit and nuts; or a salad with grilled chicken or salmon or steak or shrimp added (10 minutes)
....on the weekends we eat together, could be anything, often ploughman's platter of cheese, crackers or bread, smoked salmon, fruit, cut up veggies 10 mins
Dinner:
The most variance of the day is dinner, and it's also where I spend most of my time. Here are some common meals at our house:
- Pizza: home made pizza dough (10 minutes), home made pizza sauce (10 minutes), sliced toppings (5 minutes), plus salad (10 minutes)= 35 minutes plus cooking time of 20 minutes
- Stirfry: make marinade 5 minutes, chop chicken or steak, marinate (anywhere from half hour to all day), chop veggies 10-15 minutes, cook rice 1 minute prep 40 minutes cooking, do stirfry, 10-15 minutes= 45 minutes total
- Soup: make stock (40 minutes for veggie stock, or a couple hours for chicken stock, of which most of the time is just occassional stirring); chop veggies (15 minutes); saute onion, carrot, and celery (10 minutes); put together and simmer (30 minutes) =95 minutes total
- Grilled salmon: quick season salmon (2 minutes) and grill (12 minutes); chop veggies and steam or stirfry (10-15 minutes); chop potatoes and toss with olive oil and rosemary and then roast (25-40 minutes)= 40 minutes
This, of course, doesn't count setting the table or clearing it, and cleaning the kitchen. I spend a lot of my life planning for, shopping, preparing, eating, and cleaning up after food.
In short? I am not an 8 minute girl! I am not even counting extras like baking (made cookies this week, banana bread last week) and bread making (do it all the time), and the like. Plus, on weekends we'll have friends over and make something more elaborate, and I'll make dessert, and appetizers. I'll often make a salad to go on the side, and that's all about chopping (plus, I like to make my own dressing).
I know lots of women who cook more than I do, and lots who cook less. But 8 minutes? Really? Is that microwave meals and cereal? How on earth do you do that? Making a salad with more than a couple of ingredients takes longer than that!
There are days when I spend all day in the kitchen, and there are days when I demand that we go out to eat, but I figure I easily spend an hour or two in the kitchen preparing food each day. Easily. Add clean up time and it's closer to two hours.
How much time do you spend on food each day?
The storm before the calm
Now that I have an appointment with my oncologist, I have that panicky feeling that the situation always brings me these days. I haven't been since my major scare in the fall, and I'm overdue. Now I remember why I procrastinated: I feel frozen at the mere thought of walking in the building. Paralyzed.
When did I become like this? I remember cracking jokes before my mastectomy. I used to think of myself as so brave, and sometimes I still do....but when I have to go back to the oncologist these days I feel small and powerless, like a mouse in a field with a hawk circling above. I just hope I can find a big enough leaf to hide under, knowing that the leaf isn't real protection but if I'm lucky the hawk won't spot me.
I am so very, very glad that when I entered Cancerland I didn't know how long my mind would stay there, and that I didn't understand the length of the journey. I thought it would be a long-gone part of my past by now, and yet it remains part of my present.
Deep breaths. I truly hope that this is the storm before the calm, and that by the time my appointment is over on Friday, I will be able to laugh at the feelings that are behind this blog post. I just want to get an "all clear" and then get the heck out of there! Dear friend Michele is going to drive me so that I don't get into any traffic accidents on the way, and to hold my hand, and that helps a lot. I did chemo by myself a lot, and I don't know why. (Certainly, I had friends enough to come.) 'Chele will help keep me from going any further insane.
So, further lists of things I love to calm my soul:
- listening to Mozart in the mornings
- hot, strong, dark roast coffee
- the lilac bush under the window - with the window open, the spring breeze is blowing lilac scents into the house today
- blue skies with just small, pure white puffy clouds (and today, that is what I see)
- reading to Tessa in bed in the mornings, her warm body snuggled up to me, her arm clutching Special Bear
- Special Bear. This is the bear that "Uncle" Paul gave to Tessa on the day she was born, and she has only spent two (accidental, and very sad) nights without it since her birth. He is worn so that he looks like he's made of fabric, not fur, and it's hard to tell that he was once a warm white....now he's more or less a dull gray. Tessa has hundreds of stuffed animals, fluffy, soft, new, and beautiful, but we both know that Special Bear is worth more than all of them combined.
- Friends who accept me for who I am. Oh, this is such a gift.
- The pillow that my mother-in-law made for me, that sits on my Arts & Crafts style rocker.
- My alter in the middle of the house, which holds a chalice, a cross, and a seated Buddha figure.
- The trees in my yard, including two maples with brilliant fall colors, a white dogwood to remind me of my B.C. heritage (and yet it was planted by a previous owner), the giant pink flowering dogwood, the gorgeous old styrax, the lilac that has grown so much since we moved here, the two poplars that give a wonderful sound when their leaves rustle, the funny tree in the front that blooms pink flowers in winter, the pear which is in full blossom right now, the Japanese Maple with the hiding spot under it for Mo in the summer, shady and hidden.
- Decorating for holidays, large and small. Today I will take down the Easter decorations, which include an egg candle, an "Easter Tree" decorated with pastel eggs, a couple of ceramic bunny dishes, and the like. Mostly I put these things up for Tessa, who just adores it, but it makes me smile, too.
When did I become like this? I remember cracking jokes before my mastectomy. I used to think of myself as so brave, and sometimes I still do....but when I have to go back to the oncologist these days I feel small and powerless, like a mouse in a field with a hawk circling above. I just hope I can find a big enough leaf to hide under, knowing that the leaf isn't real protection but if I'm lucky the hawk won't spot me.
I am so very, very glad that when I entered Cancerland I didn't know how long my mind would stay there, and that I didn't understand the length of the journey. I thought it would be a long-gone part of my past by now, and yet it remains part of my present.
Deep breaths. I truly hope that this is the storm before the calm, and that by the time my appointment is over on Friday, I will be able to laugh at the feelings that are behind this blog post. I just want to get an "all clear" and then get the heck out of there! Dear friend Michele is going to drive me so that I don't get into any traffic accidents on the way, and to hold my hand, and that helps a lot. I did chemo by myself a lot, and I don't know why. (Certainly, I had friends enough to come.) 'Chele will help keep me from going any further insane.
So, further lists of things I love to calm my soul:
- listening to Mozart in the mornings
- hot, strong, dark roast coffee
- the lilac bush under the window - with the window open, the spring breeze is blowing lilac scents into the house today
- blue skies with just small, pure white puffy clouds (and today, that is what I see)
- reading to Tessa in bed in the mornings, her warm body snuggled up to me, her arm clutching Special Bear
- Special Bear. This is the bear that "Uncle" Paul gave to Tessa on the day she was born, and she has only spent two (accidental, and very sad) nights without it since her birth. He is worn so that he looks like he's made of fabric, not fur, and it's hard to tell that he was once a warm white....now he's more or less a dull gray. Tessa has hundreds of stuffed animals, fluffy, soft, new, and beautiful, but we both know that Special Bear is worth more than all of them combined.
- Friends who accept me for who I am. Oh, this is such a gift.
- The pillow that my mother-in-law made for me, that sits on my Arts & Crafts style rocker.
- My alter in the middle of the house, which holds a chalice, a cross, and a seated Buddha figure.
- The trees in my yard, including two maples with brilliant fall colors, a white dogwood to remind me of my B.C. heritage (and yet it was planted by a previous owner), the giant pink flowering dogwood, the gorgeous old styrax, the lilac that has grown so much since we moved here, the two poplars that give a wonderful sound when their leaves rustle, the funny tree in the front that blooms pink flowers in winter, the pear which is in full blossom right now, the Japanese Maple with the hiding spot under it for Mo in the summer, shady and hidden.
- Decorating for holidays, large and small. Today I will take down the Easter decorations, which include an egg candle, an "Easter Tree" decorated with pastel eggs, a couple of ceramic bunny dishes, and the like. Mostly I put these things up for Tessa, who just adores it, but it makes me smile, too.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
More things I love
- Hiking to Talapus Lake
- Sarah McLachlan's music
- quiet time alone in my house
- the feeling I get after I do yoga
- lit candles in a dark room
- the smell of fresh lavendar or freesia or roses
- bookcases overflowing with books
- Botticelli, VanGogh, Renoir paintings
- girls and women wearing dresses
- the sound of waves, whether lapping softly or roaring and crashing
- the feel of smooth driftwood in my fingers
- finding seashells or robin's eggs
- the way Mo (cat) sleeps on my foot at night
- pulling carrots out of the garden
- playing board games or doing puzzles with Tessa
- any shade of blue with white
- girls' night in
- having a guest room (when I was a kid I dreamed of it, and it came true in adulthood)
- chatting with my mom
- sleeping in
- chocolate (shhh don't tell anyone but I like milk chocolate better than dark)
- bleeding heart, lady slipper, ferns, and hostas in shady corners
- tea parties, simple or elaborate
- making my own bread
- the moments of silence in church
- singing a hymn I know by heart
Today I'm super tired and it helps to make lists of lovely things.
I made an appointment with my oncologist for Friday - I'm overdue for follow up. Wish me luck at remaining calm, as just driving by the building makes me feel a bit panicky.
- Sarah McLachlan's music
- quiet time alone in my house
- the feeling I get after I do yoga
- lit candles in a dark room
- the smell of fresh lavendar or freesia or roses
- bookcases overflowing with books
- Botticelli, VanGogh, Renoir paintings
- girls and women wearing dresses
- the sound of waves, whether lapping softly or roaring and crashing
- the feel of smooth driftwood in my fingers
- finding seashells or robin's eggs
- the way Mo (cat) sleeps on my foot at night
- pulling carrots out of the garden
- playing board games or doing puzzles with Tessa
- any shade of blue with white
- girls' night in
- having a guest room (when I was a kid I dreamed of it, and it came true in adulthood)
- chatting with my mom
- sleeping in
- chocolate (shhh don't tell anyone but I like milk chocolate better than dark)
- bleeding heart, lady slipper, ferns, and hostas in shady corners
- tea parties, simple or elaborate
- making my own bread
- the moments of silence in church
- singing a hymn I know by heart
Today I'm super tired and it helps to make lists of lovely things.
I made an appointment with my oncologist for Friday - I'm overdue for follow up. Wish me luck at remaining calm, as just driving by the building makes me feel a bit panicky.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
A good, but tired, life
I have fallen off the blogging wagon, though I have plenty to say. We had a great spring break, with a trip to Chelan with Grammy (my mom), and a trip to the tulips in Skagit Valley with friends. The Easter Bunny came and left lots of chocolate. Cookies have been made and decorated in the shapes of bunnies, chicks, eggs, and tulips.
It's a good life. Filled with simple pleasures every day.
But...
I am so tired. So, so, so tired. Normal activities just wear me out in a way I can't quite describe. I get bursts of energy that make me think "AHA! I'm back!" but within a couple of hours I find myself flagging and thinking "no no nonono!" because there is always so much to do (both fun and chores). I have fallen off the planet sometimes and haven't been in touch with dear friends because I get tired and then I just sit on the couch and do nothing, too tired even for a chat with a friend. This is not my best side, but it is what it is and I'm working on managing it.
I get my thyroid tested regularly and I take thyroid meds (and have since 1989), so maybe it's off. Or maybe it's the tamoxifen. Or maybe it's cumulative cancer treatment and too many surgeries.
Whatever it is, it is what it is. I am grateful for the incredible blessings in my life, even when I'm too tired to fully appreciate them.
It's a good life. Filled with simple pleasures every day.
But...
I am so tired. So, so, so tired. Normal activities just wear me out in a way I can't quite describe. I get bursts of energy that make me think "AHA! I'm back!" but within a couple of hours I find myself flagging and thinking "no no nonono!" because there is always so much to do (both fun and chores). I have fallen off the planet sometimes and haven't been in touch with dear friends because I get tired and then I just sit on the couch and do nothing, too tired even for a chat with a friend. This is not my best side, but it is what it is and I'm working on managing it.
I get my thyroid tested regularly and I take thyroid meds (and have since 1989), so maybe it's off. Or maybe it's the tamoxifen. Or maybe it's cumulative cancer treatment and too many surgeries.
Whatever it is, it is what it is. I am grateful for the incredible blessings in my life, even when I'm too tired to fully appreciate them.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Insomnia
I did not sleep last night.
Why, why, why?
Today I'm in my bathrobe and a wreck from the lack of sleep.
Tonight will be better, right?
Why, why, why?
Today I'm in my bathrobe and a wreck from the lack of sleep.
Tonight will be better, right?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Day tripping
Today's day trip was a short one - just up the road to the U-District. The Hisatomis joined us, and together we ate a fabulous but cheap Mexican meal at a funky place (Agua Verde), then walked up to the quad to see the incredible cherry trees in blossom. The quad was filled with college students, but also many families like ours out to enjoy the achitecture and blossoms. The kids climbed trees, the dogs sniffed around and made new friends, and a good time was had by all. We walked to Drumheller Fountain to enjoy the views, and the kids got an added bonus: feeding the ducks and geese. Then, while the Hisatomis returned home, we headed up memory lane and drove Tessa by the first house that Ryan and I lived in together, in Wallingford, and then popped over to Fremont for a coffee.
Little days like this are the best. It's the simple things - being outdoors, being with friends, enjoying nature (even in the city), creating memories but also enjoying old memories. Ahhh.
This Friday Tessa is off school and we were going to go to Portland, but Mom & Dad's house is showing well and they don't need our help now. So, instead, we're going to head to Skagit Valley to enjoy daffodils or tulips or whatever else appears....we can wander through La Conner, have lunch at the Calico Cupboard or some new place. I would love to do more little day trips like this - some, within the city, like hanging out in Ballard or downtown.
We are loving spring. We've gotten some yard work done (a few hours of that yesterday and I'm still stiff), we're spending more time outdoors. I'm waiting for the dirt to settle a bit, but I've prepared three rows for planting. Soon we'll be getting garden veggies again. I even found some flowers starting on the strawberries as I was weeding, so strawberry season can't be too far away.
Another reason to love spring? Our congregation is about to get a new home of our very own - instead of renting space in the Masonic Lodge (no windows, folding chairs, no proper classrooms) we will have a real, honest-to-goodness sanctuary, classrooms, natural light. I can't wait! Our church is an important part of our family culture, and I'm so grateful to have found it. Will this be the place Tessa chooses to get married? Time will tell!
Speaking of church, I've got a Religious Education Council meeting tonight...gotta go!
Little days like this are the best. It's the simple things - being outdoors, being with friends, enjoying nature (even in the city), creating memories but also enjoying old memories. Ahhh.
This Friday Tessa is off school and we were going to go to Portland, but Mom & Dad's house is showing well and they don't need our help now. So, instead, we're going to head to Skagit Valley to enjoy daffodils or tulips or whatever else appears....we can wander through La Conner, have lunch at the Calico Cupboard or some new place. I would love to do more little day trips like this - some, within the city, like hanging out in Ballard or downtown.
We are loving spring. We've gotten some yard work done (a few hours of that yesterday and I'm still stiff), we're spending more time outdoors. I'm waiting for the dirt to settle a bit, but I've prepared three rows for planting. Soon we'll be getting garden veggies again. I even found some flowers starting on the strawberries as I was weeding, so strawberry season can't be too far away.
Another reason to love spring? Our congregation is about to get a new home of our very own - instead of renting space in the Masonic Lodge (no windows, folding chairs, no proper classrooms) we will have a real, honest-to-goodness sanctuary, classrooms, natural light. I can't wait! Our church is an important part of our family culture, and I'm so grateful to have found it. Will this be the place Tessa chooses to get married? Time will tell!
Speaking of church, I've got a Religious Education Council meeting tonight...gotta go!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Frugality
This blog wanders like it is lost, but I am still working on my efforts toward frugality. Simple abundance and frugality - they seem like opposing forces (abundance and frugality?) but frugality is about being simple, so perhaps they're not so opposed after all.
We have been Craigslisting items, which a) gets them out of our house, and b) brings in some cash. We switched from an espresso machine to the little stovetop espresso pot like everyone in Europe seems to have, and yesterday a nice person from Craigslist came and paid me $100 for the machine. We can still have espresso whenever we want - but it's one less pull on electricity (the espresso machine was always plgged in), one less large piece of clutter, and more money in hand. The machine had been sitting for about a year, so we certainly won't miss it.
We are eating a lot more vegetarian meals. Last night I made black beans and rice, Mexican style with onions, chilis, tomatoes, served with a squeeze of lime, a sprinkling of cheddar cheese, and avocado slices. Tessa would still prefer a cheeseburger every day of the week at every meal, but she actually ate everything I served with only a minimum of fuss (which is huge these days). Ryan is taking his lunch almost all the time, and often he takes leftovers (which I plan for when I cook), so that means he's eating more vegetarian at lunch, as well, instead of the fast food meals that I know he was having.
Part of my reason for more vegetarian meals is cost, and part is health, but another part is that it's more environmentally friendly. When I buy meat I'm trying to find sustainably raised, grass fed, pasture raised, free range (in the true sense of the word), hormone free, ethically slaughtered, etc. That comes at a price - a hefty one. I almost moan when I hear an ad for $1/pound hamburger, because I sometimes pay 5-6 times that much for the green version. To balance this with frugality, we just eat a lot less of it. Not only do we eat meat less frequently, but we also eat it in smaller quantities than we used to.
(Book note: I just finished "The Butcher and the Vegetarian" by Tara Austen Weaver. It discussed the ethical and environmental issues of meat by a once-vegetarian who is prescribed meat in her diet due to health issues. It's an interesting twist on the question of meat, and an easy read.)
Once again, we got free mulch delivered, with help from our friend Kathleen and a local tree service. It's high quality, rich material, and it will nourish our vegetables all summer. I'm never paying for mulch again. We're making our own compost, though it seems like we can use twice as much as we can produce. Vegetable scraps are used to either make stock (I keep a container in my freezer at all times now so that making stock is as simple as throwing it into a pot of water, adding onion and salt, and simmering) or compost in the worm bins, and I love the closed cycle that creates. Once again this summer we will be eating out of our garden. The blueberries and raspberries are starting to leaf, the rhubarb is coming up, the strawberries are waiting, and the herbs are starting to renew themselves. In the next few weeks I'll be planting early veggies like peas, leeks, spinach, chard, and the garden will be off and running. We're expanding the garden again this year, so our harvest will be even greater than before.
I am trying very, very hard to avoid packaged and processed foods. I still buy, not make, cheese; I haven't attempted my own crackers yet. But for most things, I'm working with whole foods that look the way that they grew. Tessa would probably prefer Ding-Dongs in her lunch (at her age, I did) but we're all adjusting. I am making all of my own bread (and getting rid of the bread machine!), cereal, and three meals a day. It's tiring but worth it, I think.
The library is one of my closest friends. I'm on their website every couple of weeks, placing holds on all kinds of books. I do look forward to buying books again, but right now, while I really care about frugality, this is a great back-up plan. It's one thing to stop buying books, altogehter another to stop reading them!
We haven't used paper towels in at least a year, maybe more. I keep one roll on hand for things like vomit (arghhhh!) but that roll lasts a whole year. I keep a basket of rags with the cleaning supplies, and they work great. Whenever something gets stained beyond wear, I cut it up and it goes into the rag bin. I don't miss the paper towels a bit. Same is true for paper napkins - we still have a bunch from before we went all cloth, and I will use them very occassionally, but I don't even think about them any more. There is a big bin of them in the kitchen, and it works for us without a thought.
In the winter it's harder, but I'm still trying to walk many errands instead of driving - that's one great thing about living in West Seattle, I can walk to multiple grocery stores, a deli, coffee shops, pharmacies, toy store, thrift stores, clothing boutiques, etc. We've got to get Tessa more comfortable on her bike and then we can expand our range, too. (Although I haven't figured out Shep + bikes. I like to take him on my errand walks to get him exercise - how do I exercise him if we're on bikes?)
I'm still staying out of stores. Yesterday the Title Nine catalog (women's clothing, much of it athletic wear but also darling skirts and dresses) came and I drooled over it for far too long. I have canceled most catalogs for this reason: when I look at them, I start to crave things or think that what I have isnt' good enough. But when I stay out of stores, and stop looking at catalogs, I don't miss things at all. I have never been trendy - I like to htink of myself as more classic - so I don't need to buy a bunch of things every new season.
In short, I've come a long way. Still have a long way to go....but I've come a long way.
Time to wake up the girl. Fingers crossed that she's in a good mood this morning....
We have been Craigslisting items, which a) gets them out of our house, and b) brings in some cash. We switched from an espresso machine to the little stovetop espresso pot like everyone in Europe seems to have, and yesterday a nice person from Craigslist came and paid me $100 for the machine. We can still have espresso whenever we want - but it's one less pull on electricity (the espresso machine was always plgged in), one less large piece of clutter, and more money in hand. The machine had been sitting for about a year, so we certainly won't miss it.
We are eating a lot more vegetarian meals. Last night I made black beans and rice, Mexican style with onions, chilis, tomatoes, served with a squeeze of lime, a sprinkling of cheddar cheese, and avocado slices. Tessa would still prefer a cheeseburger every day of the week at every meal, but she actually ate everything I served with only a minimum of fuss (which is huge these days). Ryan is taking his lunch almost all the time, and often he takes leftovers (which I plan for when I cook), so that means he's eating more vegetarian at lunch, as well, instead of the fast food meals that I know he was having.
Part of my reason for more vegetarian meals is cost, and part is health, but another part is that it's more environmentally friendly. When I buy meat I'm trying to find sustainably raised, grass fed, pasture raised, free range (in the true sense of the word), hormone free, ethically slaughtered, etc. That comes at a price - a hefty one. I almost moan when I hear an ad for $1/pound hamburger, because I sometimes pay 5-6 times that much for the green version. To balance this with frugality, we just eat a lot less of it. Not only do we eat meat less frequently, but we also eat it in smaller quantities than we used to.
(Book note: I just finished "The Butcher and the Vegetarian" by Tara Austen Weaver. It discussed the ethical and environmental issues of meat by a once-vegetarian who is prescribed meat in her diet due to health issues. It's an interesting twist on the question of meat, and an easy read.)
Once again, we got free mulch delivered, with help from our friend Kathleen and a local tree service. It's high quality, rich material, and it will nourish our vegetables all summer. I'm never paying for mulch again. We're making our own compost, though it seems like we can use twice as much as we can produce. Vegetable scraps are used to either make stock (I keep a container in my freezer at all times now so that making stock is as simple as throwing it into a pot of water, adding onion and salt, and simmering) or compost in the worm bins, and I love the closed cycle that creates. Once again this summer we will be eating out of our garden. The blueberries and raspberries are starting to leaf, the rhubarb is coming up, the strawberries are waiting, and the herbs are starting to renew themselves. In the next few weeks I'll be planting early veggies like peas, leeks, spinach, chard, and the garden will be off and running. We're expanding the garden again this year, so our harvest will be even greater than before.
I am trying very, very hard to avoid packaged and processed foods. I still buy, not make, cheese; I haven't attempted my own crackers yet. But for most things, I'm working with whole foods that look the way that they grew. Tessa would probably prefer Ding-Dongs in her lunch (at her age, I did) but we're all adjusting. I am making all of my own bread (and getting rid of the bread machine!), cereal, and three meals a day. It's tiring but worth it, I think.
The library is one of my closest friends. I'm on their website every couple of weeks, placing holds on all kinds of books. I do look forward to buying books again, but right now, while I really care about frugality, this is a great back-up plan. It's one thing to stop buying books, altogehter another to stop reading them!
We haven't used paper towels in at least a year, maybe more. I keep one roll on hand for things like vomit (arghhhh!) but that roll lasts a whole year. I keep a basket of rags with the cleaning supplies, and they work great. Whenever something gets stained beyond wear, I cut it up and it goes into the rag bin. I don't miss the paper towels a bit. Same is true for paper napkins - we still have a bunch from before we went all cloth, and I will use them very occassionally, but I don't even think about them any more. There is a big bin of them in the kitchen, and it works for us without a thought.
In the winter it's harder, but I'm still trying to walk many errands instead of driving - that's one great thing about living in West Seattle, I can walk to multiple grocery stores, a deli, coffee shops, pharmacies, toy store, thrift stores, clothing boutiques, etc. We've got to get Tessa more comfortable on her bike and then we can expand our range, too. (Although I haven't figured out Shep + bikes. I like to take him on my errand walks to get him exercise - how do I exercise him if we're on bikes?)
I'm still staying out of stores. Yesterday the Title Nine catalog (women's clothing, much of it athletic wear but also darling skirts and dresses) came and I drooled over it for far too long. I have canceled most catalogs for this reason: when I look at them, I start to crave things or think that what I have isnt' good enough. But when I stay out of stores, and stop looking at catalogs, I don't miss things at all. I have never been trendy - I like to htink of myself as more classic - so I don't need to buy a bunch of things every new season.
In short, I've come a long way. Still have a long way to go....but I've come a long way.
Time to wake up the girl. Fingers crossed that she's in a good mood this morning....
Thursday, March 11, 2010
More little pleasures
Today: yoga (in my basement), followed by a lunch of apples with peanut butter and carrots with lemony hummus.
Ahhhh.
Ahhhh.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
More things I love
My last post made me feel good, so I'm adding to it. Remembering what I love, remembering what makes me smile, remembering what is good in the world - what's not to love about that?
Now, let it be said before I begin: the things that I love most are not things. I love my husband, daughter, family, friends, dog, cat, health. I love clean air, fresh water. I do know what is important, and I'm not trying to trivilize that just because I'm taking about smaller things. Small things are good, too, and that's what I'm thinking about today.
Okay, disclaimer over. Here's today's random list:
I love:
- the colors cobalt blue and turquoise (sometimes together, not always)
- oriental rugs
- desks with cubby holes for storing things
- hand knit afghans
- Tessa's naked baby photo
- hearing the Dalai Llama speak (or reading his works)
- the tree mural in Tessa's room
- the Coast Salish carved orca that hangs in the living room
- eating fresh from the garden
- home made bread
- days when I get to stay in my pajamas for as long as I want
- hot coffee
- hot tea
- the smell of my yard after it rains
- hand made baskets
- the smell of baking lemon bread or cake
- sitting with a friend in the middle of the day to just talk
- full bookcases
- the way the sun comes through the stained-glass door in the mornings
- watching birds in the bird feeder while we eat breakfast
- smooth pebbles, especially beach washed pure black or white ones
- freshly painted rooms
- the color of my bedroom - I find it so soothing
- empty kitchen counters (maybe just one bowl of fruit on them)
- my teapot from Grandpa
- setting a table when people are joining us for dinner
- silver serving trays
- fresh flowers in a vase, just plunked in, not arranged. bonus points for growing them myself.
- sitting down at a clear desk to write a letter
- curling up with a good book in a comfortable chair. bonus points for adding a cup of tea and a hand knit afghan
- my black leather boots - the flat ones, because they are comfortable and stylish and warm
- dangly earrings
- wearing my hair long
- picnics with wicker baskets and plaid blankets
- beachcombing
- long bubble baths by candlelight. bonus points for a good book and a glass of wine.
- snowshoeing
- hiking up to Talapus Lake
- the Olympus Day Spa (aka "the naked spa")
- the texture of Tessa's hair, and the color of her natural highlights
- home cooked meals made by a friend
- eavesdropping on Tessa and her friends
Ahhhhh. Writing that put me into my happy place.
Now, let it be said before I begin: the things that I love most are not things. I love my husband, daughter, family, friends, dog, cat, health. I love clean air, fresh water. I do know what is important, and I'm not trying to trivilize that just because I'm taking about smaller things. Small things are good, too, and that's what I'm thinking about today.
Okay, disclaimer over. Here's today's random list:
I love:
- the colors cobalt blue and turquoise (sometimes together, not always)
- oriental rugs
- desks with cubby holes for storing things
- hand knit afghans
- Tessa's naked baby photo
- hearing the Dalai Llama speak (or reading his works)
- the tree mural in Tessa's room
- the Coast Salish carved orca that hangs in the living room
- eating fresh from the garden
- home made bread
- days when I get to stay in my pajamas for as long as I want
- hot coffee
- hot tea
- the smell of my yard after it rains
- hand made baskets
- the smell of baking lemon bread or cake
- sitting with a friend in the middle of the day to just talk
- full bookcases
- the way the sun comes through the stained-glass door in the mornings
- watching birds in the bird feeder while we eat breakfast
- smooth pebbles, especially beach washed pure black or white ones
- freshly painted rooms
- the color of my bedroom - I find it so soothing
- empty kitchen counters (maybe just one bowl of fruit on them)
- my teapot from Grandpa
- setting a table when people are joining us for dinner
- silver serving trays
- fresh flowers in a vase, just plunked in, not arranged. bonus points for growing them myself.
- sitting down at a clear desk to write a letter
- curling up with a good book in a comfortable chair. bonus points for adding a cup of tea and a hand knit afghan
- my black leather boots - the flat ones, because they are comfortable and stylish and warm
- dangly earrings
- wearing my hair long
- picnics with wicker baskets and plaid blankets
- beachcombing
- long bubble baths by candlelight. bonus points for a good book and a glass of wine.
- snowshoeing
- hiking up to Talapus Lake
- the Olympus Day Spa (aka "the naked spa")
- the texture of Tessa's hair, and the color of her natural highlights
- home cooked meals made by a friend
- eavesdropping on Tessa and her friends
Ahhhhh. Writing that put me into my happy place.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Things I love
Simple abundance doesn't mean getting rid of everything. Here are some things that I love:
- Lots of pillows on my bed
- An assortment of china tea cups and tea pots (yes, I use them)
- stainless steel pots and pans
- crystal vases that catch the light
- beeswax candles (yes I burn them)
- pretty table linens
- books, books, books
- heavy kitchen bowls
- serving ware with an Italian twist, lots of cobalt blue
- cashmere sweaters
- my Great Aunt Helen's Limoge china with the pink and lavendar roses, even though I only use it once a year
- warm throw blankets, especially those made by hand
- purses in just about every size, shape, and color
What do you love?
- Lots of pillows on my bed
- An assortment of china tea cups and tea pots (yes, I use them)
- stainless steel pots and pans
- crystal vases that catch the light
- beeswax candles (yes I burn them)
- pretty table linens
- books, books, books
- heavy kitchen bowls
- serving ware with an Italian twist, lots of cobalt blue
- cashmere sweaters
- my Great Aunt Helen's Limoge china with the pink and lavendar roses, even though I only use it once a year
- warm throw blankets, especially those made by hand
- purses in just about every size, shape, and color
What do you love?
Simple Abundance
I've been reading a book by the title of "Simple Abundance" and I've been thinking a lot about the topic. I want a simple abundance in my life: enough, but not too much. Laughter galore, good books, music, friends, wine, quiet, flowers, comfort, beauty. I want to live in the present, loving what I have, even when I'm working for the future.
I want to be surrounded in beauty, but I don't want to live in a museum or on the pages of a catalog. I want to be content with what I have, but still know how to dream and to plan.
How does one go about making her home filled with simple abundance? Not the trappings of a modern consumerist life like in the glossy pages that are before us all the time; not what Martha Stewart or HGTV tells us, but a comfortable home where people love to visit. A place of serenity, safety, comfort, and beauty. A place marked by individuality.
Today, I'm spring cleaning. After helping my in-laws to spring clean their home in preparation for sale this weekend, I came home filled with resolve to do the same things in my own life. When Ryan and I watch "Designed to Sell" we always laugh at the simple changes that people make that they should have made years ago to make their home more livable; I'm working on that myself today. But it's more than that: it's the philosophy of being present, of knowing how much is enough and how much is too much. It's being able to separate memorabilia that brings joy, and the things that just add clutter. I'm not moving any time soon (I hope not, anyway) but the practices that people go through before a move are probably good for all of us. Ryan and I have lived here for nine years, and the house that once seemed palatial is now filled to the rafters with stuff.
I suffer from the same consumerism that impacts us all. Right now I want a new dining room table (ours is starting to sag), a remodeled attic and kitchen and basement, and clothes with feminine ruffles on them. And a new trenchcoat in a color that pops. There is always a list of books or music to buy or have.
These same things might be things I don't want in a year, or in ten, and so I'm trying to examine my impulses more closely. I don't need anything. I don't need much stuff, and we have so much.
I don't want stuff. I want beautiful, useful objects that please me and truly simplify my life. I want it for the joy of it, but I also want it to be sustainable and green for this earth. I want our possessions to contribute to the ease of our lives, but not to rule us.
So, as I'm going through overflowing closets and drawers and extra rooms, the question I ask is: What is enough? What is the difference between abundance and excess?
I'd love a discussion on this, with some practical numbers thrown in. How many of each should we have at any time?
- magazines
- books
- CDs
- toys
- baskets
- sets of sheets
- sets of towels
- extra blankets
- vases
- office supplies
- clothing per person
- shoes per person
- kitchen tools
- other.....
I'd love to see others thoughts. What is simple abundance, and what is excess? Where is the balance between simplicity and abundance?
I believe that when my physical space is in order, my life feels more in order - and my head, too. I'm working on all of it right now.
----------------------------------------
Many thanks to my beloved in-laws for allowing us to share in their process this weekend as they sort through a lifetime of home furnishings and mementos before they downsize to the "land cruise" of the pretty retirement place they've picked out. I know it's not easy to choose which memories to take and which to leave behind, but I hope that when I am in their shoes I will handle it with as much grace and good humor. I am grateful to them for allowing me to whirl through their home, poking my nose into the corners to help them, because though I do it as a service I imagine it must be invasive, too. It is an honor to be entrusted with the joy of helping to care for them. Mom and Dad Surface, I love you. I hope you're relaxing after the whirlwind of your family swirled through your home this weekend.
I want to be surrounded in beauty, but I don't want to live in a museum or on the pages of a catalog. I want to be content with what I have, but still know how to dream and to plan.
How does one go about making her home filled with simple abundance? Not the trappings of a modern consumerist life like in the glossy pages that are before us all the time; not what Martha Stewart or HGTV tells us, but a comfortable home where people love to visit. A place of serenity, safety, comfort, and beauty. A place marked by individuality.
Today, I'm spring cleaning. After helping my in-laws to spring clean their home in preparation for sale this weekend, I came home filled with resolve to do the same things in my own life. When Ryan and I watch "Designed to Sell" we always laugh at the simple changes that people make that they should have made years ago to make their home more livable; I'm working on that myself today. But it's more than that: it's the philosophy of being present, of knowing how much is enough and how much is too much. It's being able to separate memorabilia that brings joy, and the things that just add clutter. I'm not moving any time soon (I hope not, anyway) but the practices that people go through before a move are probably good for all of us. Ryan and I have lived here for nine years, and the house that once seemed palatial is now filled to the rafters with stuff.
I suffer from the same consumerism that impacts us all. Right now I want a new dining room table (ours is starting to sag), a remodeled attic and kitchen and basement, and clothes with feminine ruffles on them. And a new trenchcoat in a color that pops. There is always a list of books or music to buy or have.
These same things might be things I don't want in a year, or in ten, and so I'm trying to examine my impulses more closely. I don't need anything. I don't need much stuff, and we have so much.
I don't want stuff. I want beautiful, useful objects that please me and truly simplify my life. I want it for the joy of it, but I also want it to be sustainable and green for this earth. I want our possessions to contribute to the ease of our lives, but not to rule us.
So, as I'm going through overflowing closets and drawers and extra rooms, the question I ask is: What is enough? What is the difference between abundance and excess?
I'd love a discussion on this, with some practical numbers thrown in. How many of each should we have at any time?
- magazines
- books
- CDs
- toys
- baskets
- sets of sheets
- sets of towels
- extra blankets
- vases
- office supplies
- clothing per person
- shoes per person
- kitchen tools
- other.....
I'd love to see others thoughts. What is simple abundance, and what is excess? Where is the balance between simplicity and abundance?
I believe that when my physical space is in order, my life feels more in order - and my head, too. I'm working on all of it right now.
----------------------------------------
Many thanks to my beloved in-laws for allowing us to share in their process this weekend as they sort through a lifetime of home furnishings and mementos before they downsize to the "land cruise" of the pretty retirement place they've picked out. I know it's not easy to choose which memories to take and which to leave behind, but I hope that when I am in their shoes I will handle it with as much grace and good humor. I am grateful to them for allowing me to whirl through their home, poking my nose into the corners to help them, because though I do it as a service I imagine it must be invasive, too. It is an honor to be entrusted with the joy of helping to care for them. Mom and Dad Surface, I love you. I hope you're relaxing after the whirlwind of your family swirled through your home this weekend.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
prom pics
80's prom was absolutely hysterical, and we had such a good time with our friends. It turns out that I still can't make my hair tall - it just doesn't grow that way, but I did make it curly. I should have taken a close up picture of my purple, blue, and teal eyeshadow, too.
Ryan wore a pink carnation boutinniere, and I wore a pink rose corsage.
Ahhhh, the 80s. Fun to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!
PS I always wanted a Gunne Sax dress. Now, I finally got one. Only about 25 years too late...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Reading List
I'm currently looking at books entitled "Your 7 Year Old," "Easy to love, difficult to discipline," "Seven Secrets of Spiritual Parenting" "Raising you Only Child" and others. I'm just about done with "Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Positive Discipline" (again).
I really wish Tessa would read these books because she loves to prove them wrong!
Tessa is an amazing, wonderful daughter, and I would never choose anyone else. I love her like I love air - I don't think I could survive without her. But the challenges - wow.
We've got boundaries and routines; we've got love galore (and express that love all the time).
She will come to it; I will figure it out. Together, we will get through this phase.
I hear that eight year olds are fabulous...but I'm not goign to hit the fast forward button, even if I can find it.
On an up note? She did her homework last night with a minimum of protest. PHEW.
I really wish Tessa would read these books because she loves to prove them wrong!
Tessa is an amazing, wonderful daughter, and I would never choose anyone else. I love her like I love air - I don't think I could survive without her. But the challenges - wow.
We've got boundaries and routines; we've got love galore (and express that love all the time).
She will come to it; I will figure it out. Together, we will get through this phase.
I hear that eight year olds are fabulous...but I'm not goign to hit the fast forward button, even if I can find it.
On an up note? She did her homework last night with a minimum of protest. PHEW.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Better
This morning I woke up and said, "Screw it. I want to have my life today." So I hauled myself out of bed and just went for it.
This afternoon, I feel tired, and I think that's a leftover from the Zometa, but I'm much more myself.
I went for a (short) run with Shep this morning, sans iPod, to clear my head. I've scrubbed my bathroom, including the dreaded tub. (I used baking soda and water. Remarkable how well it works - and no nasty chemicals to breathe or wash down the drain.) I made a crock pot meal (pork marakesh - it's got red onions, ginger, apricots, and thyme....hope it's good) for dinner that is simmering away.
I have about a zillion more things to do, but that is okay. At least I don't feel like hiding today, which I did the past two days.
This afternoon, I feel tired, and I think that's a leftover from the Zometa, but I'm much more myself.
I went for a (short) run with Shep this morning, sans iPod, to clear my head. I've scrubbed my bathroom, including the dreaded tub. (I used baking soda and water. Remarkable how well it works - and no nasty chemicals to breathe or wash down the drain.) I made a crock pot meal (pork marakesh - it's got red onions, ginger, apricots, and thyme....hope it's good) for dinner that is simmering away.
I have about a zillion more things to do, but that is okay. At least I don't feel like hiding today, which I did the past two days.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It messes with my head
Today I'm taking it slow. I feel much better than yesterday, but I don't think I can explain just how hard it is for me to go to the cancer center. It's going to take a while to catch my breath.
So, a quiet day at home. Chores to be done....but I just need the quiet.
So, a quiet day at home. Chores to be done....but I just need the quiet.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Zometa blues
Being in the building at the cancer institute really makes me feel ill. The smell of the alcohol wipes that they use to wipe the tubing for the IVs is what really brings me back - ugh.
I swear my blood pressure was through the roof the whole time, but I survived it.
And tonight? Headachy and impatient and feeling blue. I can't separate out what is the physical, and what is the psychological, I just know that I feel horrid.
Tomorrow will be better.
Still proud of myself for making dinner and cleaning the house and changing the sheets this morning before my appointment....
I swear my blood pressure was through the roof the whole time, but I survived it.
And tonight? Headachy and impatient and feeling blue. I can't separate out what is the physical, and what is the psychological, I just know that I feel horrid.
Tomorrow will be better.
Still proud of myself for making dinner and cleaning the house and changing the sheets this morning before my appointment....
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