Life changes

I have been making a lot of changes lately. Some are simple - I've decided to avoid buying plastic water bottles. Some are deeper - I've decided to become an active member of a church community. The changes are intentional, and deeply personal.

My breakdown in October was a real wake-up call for me. It took me a while to figure out exactly what it was about, and there are probably no completely simple answers to that question, but I think I know, anyway. I think that I was no longer living in accordance with my values, and that my whole system broke down as a result.

Living according to my values, to me, means listening to that inner voice inside me that is very firm about what I should and should not do. The inner voice doesn't lie. As a matter of fact, that inner voice is sometimes painfully honest. My voice told me that I was pretending to be someone that I was not...I was not being thoughtful in my choices in too many cases, and I'd gotten out of whack.

I decided to listen to the voice, and it told me some things I wasn't expecting. It told me:
- Get out of breast cancer land. Even volunteer work in the breast cancer field was too much. I was being defined by breast cancer, and such a definition was too limiting and narrow.
- Write more. I've been writing in my journal, and it is such a gift to find time to do so.
- Get hands on with charity work. It feels good to me.
- Actively pursue spirituality. Not a passive occassional thought about being a nice person, but a deep seeking that for me involves a lot of reading, discussion, and joining of a church community that maps to my values.
- Slow down.
- Do what I think is most important, no excuses.

Out of this, my deep desire to leave the planet a better place than I found it started to speak to me, and I realized that I was a part of the problem. Worse than that, I knew better. I knew that I wasn't helping, and that I was ignoring my inner voice. My inner voice told me that I was capable of much more than I was giving.

So, I've been trying to listen to that voice, and the most amazing thing started happening: I started to feel happy again.

I recognize that we're all in different phases of our journies. Some people might read this and think, "Well, DUH!" and wonder what took me so long to reach this point. That's okay. Some people might think, "I know just what you mean!" because they're at my side on this journey. Others might say, "I have no idea what you're talking about" because they're on a different journey all together. I suspect that all fo these things are okay, that all points in the journey are okay. It's not about better or worse, except on an individual level. My inner voice said, "You should be trying harder. You should be on a different path. You've gone astray," and at that point, I needed to change.

So, I'm looking at things large and small, and feeling passionate and excited about them. I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with adopting a new habit, and I love the intellectual challenge of trying to puzzle out the pieces. I feel very open to the process, and to what it might bring me. I may change directions many times, and I may not always know my destination, but I think if I listen to my inner voice, which is strong, I will end up okay.

I have always considered myself an environmentalist. I have a deep love of nature - I'm the type to go back woods backpacking and love it. When I was single, I did backpacking trips with girlfriends, and once I did one solo. I love sleeping in a tent. I love sitting around a small campfire, with a billion stars overhead. I love swimming in glacial melt on a hot day. But I'd lost all of this, and had replaced it with other things, like dinners out. There's nothing wrong with dinner at a nice resturant (actually, it sounds rather nice right now), but it doesn't satisfy me in the same way that dinner over a campfire satisfies me.

I hadn't totally gone off track. I hadn't become an axe murderer who beat my daughter and cursed at strangers. I am proud, mostly, of the type of mother I am, and I am proud of the quality of my friendships. I am proud for my commitment to family. Lots of things are right...but the inner voice kept insisting "more!"

My small accomplishments in becoming a more environmentally aware person are deeply personally satisfying to me. I believe that I'm helping the planet, and all of its inhabitants, by my small personal choices, even if I'm only helping a teeny, tiny amount. But it just makes me feel happy, and as I've said, being happy is pretty darned important to me.

So, if you're reading this, and wondering why I've become so crazy, this is the answer. I'm not telling you what to do (although of course I've got billions of ideas I'd love to discuss). I'm not your inner voice. I can not insist that you make the changes that I am making, and indeed I think I'd be foolish to think that those reading this must be on the same page I am.....if I'd been presented with these changes a year ago, I couldn't have done it. But right now, for me, the timing is right.

I would love to inspire others to adapt some of these changes, because I believe that they're healthy for everyone involved, and I'll continue to present my "case" as to why I believe that. But I'm not in the business of running others' lives, of telling others what to do, or in judging them for what they do.

I don't expect everyone I know to ditch all their plastic containers, to refuse disposable water bottles, to go all organic in their food, to only buy non-toxic cleaning products, to carry a sack so that paper and plastic bags become items of the past. Yes, these are my goals, but I'd be a fool to think that everyone who reads this has the same goals.

And there are so many worthy goals in the world! This is MY project. I have other goals that I could or should be working on, but I can only focus on so much. This is my focus now.

A couple of friends indicated to me recently that I'd become so hard core that they'd be embarrassed if I saw them drinking out of plastic, or that they'd be nervous to serve me food for fear it wouldn't be "right." Let me assure you, I am so far from perfection that I'm more nervous that others' will hear my stated opinions about the environment and then call me a hypocrite for not doign all that I can. I'm judging my own choices, NOT others' choices. I promise.

And how could I judge others, when I am struggling so much with this stuff, even when I'm giving it my all?

I still drive my car short distances sometimes. Often, actually. Tessa takes so long to walk, ro the weather is poor, or we're running late....I'm filled with excuses.

Organic is EXPENSIVE. If money were no object, I'd eat 100% organic. But it's expensive, and I make choices. I'm not always thrilled with those choices.

I'm not sure what to do about plastic water bottles while on trips. We'll start our trip to Spokane with our Klean Kanteen's all filled and fresh....but what happens when we're in Moses Lake and thirsty? I don't think I'm comfortable filling my bottle from a gas station restroom (yuck). So how do we get water?! I'm not going to dehydrate myself out of purist motives.

The garden is a lovely idea, but I fear that when we add up the money it's going to be twice as expensive than organic produce straight from the store.

I want to buy local. Local coffee, chocolate, bananas, mangos, tea, and sugar don't exist. I keep buying them.

Tonight Ryan was out for the evening, and I wasn't sure what to make for dinner. I found a Trader Joe's Cashew Chicken with Veggies & Rice dish in my freezer (which we intended to eat after my last surgery, not knowing how many people would bring us meals). Each component was in a different plastic bag (sauce, rice, chicken & veggies, cashews) within a bigger plastic bag. Talk about processed, even though it had "healthy" food in it. I cooked it up for Tessa and I. And I'd probably do it again, despite the plastic and packaging. (Much cheaper than ordering out, and healthier.)

I'm not meeting my goal of one vegetarian dinner per week.

Now, I'm not beating myself up about these things. I am SO PROUD of the hard work I've done to advance my environmental goals. I've done lots of things that are becoming habits, and I'm thrilled about that. I will continue to offer advice and ideas to anyone who is interested (and if you visit the blog, I hate to tell you, but I consider you "interested" even if you're not!).

I do recognize that I am working on my stuff, and you (whoever you are) are working on your stuff. I'm not better than you. I'm not more advanced than you. You are you, and I am me, and it's all okay. I'm learning, and processing, and sharing what is working for me and why I think it's working.

The thing about having a blog is tha tI share all of this crazy stuff, with no idea (most of the time) how it's received. I find it a lot more fun to share pictures of blooming tulips or a freshly tilled garden bed than I do all the weeds in other parts of the yard...but trust me, we've got weeds. Lots of them. I hope the neighbors don't complain!

With this environmental thing, all I can say is that it's important to me, and I'm working on it. Some stuff, I think I'm getting "right." Some stuff, I'm still muddling through. Some stuff, I'm not even aware of yet. And some stuff, I just might be off base. So, we'll see. It's all a journey.

Signing off!
Love,
Kristina

PS In the "failed experiment" list: "healthy" deodorant. I've tried Tom's of Maine and Alba varieties, and I think they (I!) stink. Back to my paraben filled old stuff. ;-) I am proud to be granola, but I don't want B.O. Really, I've got my limits!

PPS We are leaving tomorrow for Spokane. We're THRILLED to spend time with the Weitz cousins and family, and to share their lives for a bit. We're also really excited to see Caley graduate from Whitworth. It will be a fabulous time. We'll be gone Fri-Mon, so I'll be offline until then.