Hunkering down

I have noticed the same pattern with each of my successive surgeries. For a week before surgery, I feel absolutely out of sorts, and (dare I use the word) depressed. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to face my usual chores, hard to be attentive to Tessa, hard to focus, hard to maintain healthy eating habits (I want to stuff my face with scones).

I know, from experience, that when surgery is done this feeling will lift very quickly. It's replaced in the short term with the pain and exhaustion of new wounds and new healing, but in the intermediate term - say, a week after surgery - I hope to be up and about, running around, making decisions with a smile on my face. I hope to be chomping at the bit to return to the gym, inviting friends over for dinner, organizing playdates, watching my friends' children for them so that Tessa can play and I can repay.

But this week, I'm wallowing in it. I just feel absolutely wiped out by it all. Eight surgeries is enough, certainly. I'm fearful, just like with the first surgery, of anesthesia, pain, side effects, results...but now I've learned to choke down my fear, to face it head on. The fear is still there, just now I can look it square in the face without blinking, even though I'm trembling from head to foot.

I alternate between feeling like I am a conquerer and feeling as timid as a mouse.

It's hard to talk to people this week, because I know that people are worn out by my cancer. It's gone on ENOUGH. I've received so much support through the past couple of years, and I'm wearing out my support network. I understand, but it's still kind of hard.

I just feel the burden of surgery weighing me down. Once I'm done with this surgery, I can set down my burden and return to my usual sunny self (!), but right now I feel overcast and gray and lethargic.

However...

Today I was determined to be a good mom, and to give Tessa lots of attention. After preschool, I took her to the aquarium, and we had a wonderful time, and then I took her out for sushi (we shared edemame and sushi - mango/tuna rolls and mango/salmon rolls....I'm so proud of her for eating "real" sushi with raw ingredients, and I know how lucky I am that she has such a diverse palate) at Azuma in the junction. We had fun together.

Tomorrow I've scheduled us for another busy day, because if I didn't, frankly, I wouldn't get out of my bathrobe until noon.

Tomorrow morning we're going back to the aquarium to see some things we didn't get to today, and then we're having lunch with Ryan, and then we're going to the Seattle Art Museum. We have memberships to the aquarium and SAM so it's worth it even if we don't stay for long, and I'm excited to do it. Katie & Jessie might join us, and Mike might meet for lunch, too, so I'm totally excited for that. It'll be nice to be out and about, forgetting my troubles instead of dwelling on them.

And now, off to bed for me. I wish I could shake this feeling, but I know I just need to give it time.