Blisters and surgery

(Now that's a dim title...!)

Today I have added blisters to my list of complaints. They're okay, and I can deal with it, but I have a 4" line of blisters on my chest by my arm. (This is a typical place to have problems, as I can't help my arm or shirt from rubbing against the radiated area.) Yuck. Hopefully not much more will happen to my chest in the next 24 hours because this has gotten really old really quickly. Today I bought some soft tank tops at Target, and I will wear them under my clothes with the hope that they will treat me better than my regular clothes have in this regard.

Today I also met with my surgeon, Dr. Dawson. I have tentatively scheduled my second (and final!) mastectomy for March 20th.

The surgery is tentative because I am getting conflicting information about what type of plastic surgery is best. Dr. Dawson (whom I admire and respect, and has a stellar reputation, and who did fabulous work on my left side doing a mastectomy) thinks that I can do a skin sparing mastectomy on my right side, and then have a plastic surgeon reconstruct it at the same time. This conflicts with what Dr. Welk told me, but since Dr. Welk's bedside manner was imperfect, and since I have a longstanding relationship with Dr. Dawson, I tend to believe what Dr. Dawson is saying. I have an appointment with another plastic surgeon for later this month, and I'm hoping that I will feel more settled with the other plastic surgeon and that I can get my questions answered. Hopefully, I will not have to delay reconstruction on the right side. I think I like being a uniboober better than having no breasts at all.

Side note: It was relatively easy for me to make the appointment for the mastectomy this time. MUCH easier than the first time. The first time, I had a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes as I learned how the surgeon would remove my breast. It was terrifying, and though I might have had a brave face on, I was awash in fear. This time, I'm resigned. I've done this before, and I know that I can handle it. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Maybe this is because I no longer worry about losing parts of my femininity; having already lost most of my outward femininity (through mastectomy, hair loss, loss of eyebrows & eyelashes, and weight gain...heck, I don't even have estrogen any more!) I don't value the little bit that I have left nearly as much. On a less negative perspective, though, I also know that it's temporary. Hair grows back, weight can be lost, and breasts can be rebuilt. Just like that, I move from terror to resolve. Amazing. (End of side note.)

I'm very conflicted about what kind of surgery to do on either side. On my right side (non-cancerous) I can choose between a lat flap with implant and a plain implant. The lat flap involves a longer surgery and more difficult recovery, but is supposed to have better results. On my left side, I thought I wanted a DIEP, and then I thought I wanted a TRAM, but now I'm leaning toward the lat flap with implant on that side, too, because it doesn't involve a 12-16" scar on my abdomen and the removal (and replacement) of my belly button. (The scar on my back/side would be about 4", which is a piece of cake by comparison, it seems.)

Sigh. It's really up to me - plastic surgeons all have differing ideas about what is best, and if I was really sold on one of the techniques I could undoubtedly find a plastic surgeon with a good reputation who would agree to it. It's nice to have some control over my destiny, but it's also frightening because I have no idea what the "right" thing to do is and I am sadly lacking in medical credentials.

I'll figure it out.

And one more note...
After all I've been through, doing an MRI shouldn't bother me in the slightest. Well, I have to do another MRI before the surgery, and I'm really bugged by the prospect. The first one, last June when this started, was truly unpleasant for me emotionally, and I don't look forward to a repeat performance. Time to suck it up... again.

Tessa is with my parents, and so Ryan and I are going to go on a cheap date. Hopefully some wine and relaxed conversation will clear my head of all of these thoughts.

Kristina