Gratitude and debt

I am in debt to my friends and family more than I will ever be able to repay. I know this as a certain fact, and it alternately makes me feel terribly guilty and incredibly loved (actually, usually it makes me feel both of those things at the same time).

Since I was diagnosed, Susan has arranged with a small army to have meals delivered to our home two or three times per week. The meals have kept coming, and I haven't begun to thank people for them. Actually, I haven't written a thank you card in months - I really, honestly intend to, but I just haven't figured out a way to get the energy to do so. This makes me mad at myself because with all of the effort people have made to keep us loved and fed, the least I can do is write a little note and get it in the mail. I know that my manners are abysmal on this count, and I am grateful to all of you who have not only fed us but also forgiven my poor etiquette.

In addition to the meals, I have received cards and packages in the mail with greater frequency than ever before in my life. I have received books (both on and off the topic of breast cancer), chocolates, breast cancer awareness information (pins, etc.), small toys for Tessa, a CD narrated by Maya Angelou, notecards (which I SHOULD be using for thank you notes), inspirational verses, baked goods, hats, scarves, gift certificates, and more. My mom has watched Tessa weekly so that I can go to chemo, and has helped when I have been sick. Friends helped to throw Ryan a birthday party, to hire a housekeeper to help me on occasion, and to send me to yoga class. I am truly blessed.

Additionally, I have had help with Tessa when I have asked for it. Today, I sent a message to some West Seattle friends asking for help tomorrow (my mom has been wonderful in taking care of Tessa on chemo days, but she's sick) and within minutes I received several responses from friends who tried to make it sound like it was absolutely no big deal to take on a toddler for hours and hours. (Michele & Linda, thank you thank you thank you!) What would I have done without this support - take Tessa to chemo with me?

Today, instead of writing thank you cards, I'm going to tackle a mountain of laundry and mop the kitchen floor while Tessa sleeps. This morning, instead of writing thank you cards, I went to Coffee to a Tea with Tessa, then went for a "leaf walk" (our dining room table is now decorated with a basket of leaves personally selected by Tessa) and then came home to eat lunch and read stories before Tessa's quiet time. I sincerely hope and pray that these "normal" types of activities mean that even though I don't have anywhere near my usual energy most days (today I feel good, hence the activity) days like today make it up to Tessa. I choose to give that energy to Tessa where I can so that she does not have a cancer-flavored-childhood, and I am indebted to those who have been helping me for understanding this.

I know who you are, and your help has been an instrumental part of my healing. Thank you to all of you. One day, I hope I can repay you your many kindnesses.

With love,
Kristina