Thursday, July 07, 2005

Inviting pain

I have started being friendly with a whole bunch of women who are breast cancer survivors like myself. I plan soon to attend a meeting of the YSC in Seattle, I've been frequenting the YSC boards, I've met people through my website, and I've met people through breastcancer.org's chat. I've also been "set up" with a number of women locally who have the same disease.

It has occurred to me that I am going to meet women with my disease who will die from it. This should be obvious - I am choosing to hang out with women who have a terrible diagnosis, and some of them are much further down the road than I am - but it seems that it has just occurred to me. I may make friends with people who will then disappear from the planet. (Of course, I am a risk to them in this category, too, but I refuse to think about that!)

I am inviting pain into my life. These women are all beautiful, and I have gained so much from talking to them. I will not turn them away or turn my backs on them, my new sisters. But I am terrified. How much pain will the next years bring? I want to believe that we will ALL succeed in our battle against this disease. I really do. But I know that I am inviting pain.

And it hurts.
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristina, i too posted about this on my blog and i had these responses from 2 of my good friends who are also young bc survivors.

All this has me reflecting once again on the difficulties of being
part of a group like this. It brings me so much and yet I know there is always that risk of grief and pain lurking in every corner.... Nancy
i think about that sometimes to, but the long and short of it is that my life is richer, brighter, and fuller with you sistahs to share it with. Even if that means one day i will lose some. I would be less without you all.
it's worth the risk....Dana P

Kristi

12:43 PM, July 07, 2005
Anonymous said...

Kristina, I know it's easy for me to sit here and offer my two cents (that might not be worth two cents!), but I have a thought I would like to share with you.

Try not to think of it as inviting pain into your life...maybe, just maybe, you will be removing a little pain from someone elses. Though I've never met you face to face, you seem like such a warm, honest, caring and very compassionate person. Someone who is suffering can only benefit from having you in their life. These women are about to meet a treasure in you :)

Many prayers,
Hummingbird

3:13 PM, July 07, 2005
*susan* said...

Wow. I had this same thought recently.... why am I becoming so attached to women who are sick? Who might die? Who might have to watch me die?

The great strength I receive from each of you makes the risks worthwhile. And, I hope that I am able to bring my own strengths to the discussion as well. We are able to inspire each other. And there is some comfort in sharing our experiences with each other.

When my Aunt was battling BC, there was no community for her. She was surrounded by people who loved her, but I do wonder if she felt alone anyhow.

Like you, I plan to live a good and long life. But, I can't speak for my husband. He wouldn't like being told he had to die the same night as me. :-)

*susan*

8:17 PM, July 07, 2005
Anonymous said...

Next to these ladies, I am certainly no expert. However, I too have a simular experience of welcoming potential pain and loss into my life. I am learning two lessons. One, people struggling for their very existence, or coming to terms with the end of their lifetime, have a depth of spirit and wisdom which is awe-inspiring. We have much to learn from the "power of living in the moment." The second lesson I am learning is that there is such a thing as a good death experience...as a part of life itself. There is strength, courage and wisdom in the friendships you are forming with other survivors. Come what may, I pray that there will never be a moment of regret for the friendship and experiences you'll share. There is something reciprical and something to be learned from each person welcomed into your life.

Keeping you (and the ladies who have written here) close to my heart and in my prayers.

Corina

10:13 PM, July 09, 2005

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