Tessa's Mommy has Cancer

Hi, army. I hope that all of you had a restful weekend and that you're doing well!

Friday was a hard day for me - I hit my lowest low since finding the lump. I had to have a breast MR at Swedish, and the MRI people were incompetent (bungling the IV, etc.) and cold toward me, and in that big sterile room full of horrible equipment it was hard for me to remember that I have an army fighting with me and for me, and I felt horribly alone. Lying in that claustrophobic tube, radioactive dye pumping into my veins, half naked, cold, and alone, some of the realities of the near future really hit home. An MRI is nothing compared to what I have to face, and that was part of the fear. It also hit home that the reason that I am having extra tests done is to detect cancer in other parts of my body....there is still the possibility that it has spread and is more serious than we've found to date. I do not dwell on those thoughts, but they creep in. I have a bone scan, xray, and other tests tomorrow and hopefully those tests will all come up clear; hopefully I will hear good results of the breast MR tomorrow. I am praying, of course, that it is confined to the left breast.

On Friday night we broke the news to Tessa, using the book Michele gave us ("Sammy's Mommy Has Cancer" - thank you so much, Michele) as a tool. I didn't cry until Tessa said, "Mommy has candy. No, Mommy has cancer." We explained that Mommy's breast has cancer, and that Mommy will need an operation and lots of strong medicine to make it better. We also explained that Mommy will have lots of appointments with doctors, and hospital visits, and that Mommy would be tired and wouldn't be able to play as much as usual. We also focused on how Tessa could help with hugs, kisses, and love, and explained that Mommy would read stories with Tessa and that Mommy would feel better from Tessa's smiles. We read the book to her and she didn't wiggle, concentrating on each page. At the end of the book (which talks about hair loss and fatigue,etc.) she said, "Read it again." We have read it to her at least a dozen times now, all at her request. She is starting to understand.

With those sad thoughts, the weekend away was just what the doctor ordered.

Tessa has her own ways of dealing with it. Some are heartbreaking, and others are heartwarming. Occassionally, Tessa says, "Mommy's better. Mommy no go to the hospital, no need operation," which just breaks our hearts. But then Tessa throws her arms around my neck, kisses me, and says, "Mommy is smiling! Tessa make Mommy feel better!" which truly does make me feel better. Today she got it into her head that her magic wand (part of her dressup box) would help, and she wouldn't go to sleep until she had waved it over me. We are working hard to make sure that she understands that she can not make the cancer go away, but that her love and smiles make Mommy feel fantastic even if she does have cancer.

Speaking of Tessa, we will be going in for genetic testing to see if there is a genetic component to my disease. We are doing this primarily for Tessa - I would give my right arm to see that she didn't get this disease. One of the first things that I did after diagnosis was participate in a study (surveys, blood samples) about genetic links to breast cancer. I will gladly endure anything if it means that Tessa never needs to suffer from this.

On to happier thoughts...

Ryan, Tessa, and I had a wonderful time at the cabin with Marisa (THANK YOU!) and her fabulous dog, Max. We soaked in the hot tub, we ate way too much (so much for the five pounds I lost last week from the "stress diet"!), we shopped at the farmer's market, we read books, we drank wine (Tessa stuck to milk) and we really relaxed. I didn't bring any of my research with me, and though the subject of cancer didn't go away entirely we mostly stuck to offhand comments, terrible jokes, and answering Tessa's questions. There was a lot of laughter, and no tears...which is saying something these days!

Then, we came home to a wonderful message. My incredible parents, fantastic Auntie Rene' & Uncle Mel, and amazing Grandma have pooled their financial resources to pay my beloved cousin Caley (who is on summer break from college) to help us out this summer as much as we need her. Caley is a wonderful girl...no, woman!...who is intelligent, quick on her feet, kind, loving, full of humor...I can't say enough great things about her. Caley stepped aside from some other summer work activities - the resume building kind - to help us, and we are so grateful. I think it's fabulous that she will be the one at my side when Ryan is at work, as I will enjoy her company as much as I'll need her help. She will care for Tessa when I can not, and she'll help us do housework, grocery shopping, etc. This is a blessing, as it will allow Tessa continuity from day to day, and it will shorten the time that I need to rely on the incredible support of my friends for babysitting.

I have received more love and support from my friends and family in the past week than any human deserves to have in a lifetime. Our home is filled with flowers (special thanks to the Dahl, Weitz, Kaz, and Huycke families); we have enjoyed wonderful meals (special thanks to the Pitt Filley, Lewis, Landahl, and Rogers families); we have taken advantage of wonderful babysitting (special thanks to Heather, Susie, Linda, Grandma); and we have received thoughtful gifts, kind words, time on the phone, and so much more from so many of you. Susan has had a full time job organizing the army for food and such, and Heather has been working on projects for me too. I do not deserve such incredible kindness - does anyone? - but I gratefully and humbly accept it all. Thank you.

This weekend, Susan ran in Race for the Cure, the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer fundraiser. I am so proud of her for doing this, and for taking steps to eradicate breast cancer. I will work for the rest of my life to try to prevent my friends and family from going through this experience, and I celebrate Susan for participating in the event. Next year, I will join her, and I hope that you will join us.

We have received so much kindness from all of you - it sustains us more than you can know. Ryan, Tessa, and I are all so blessed by your presence in our lives, and by your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

Love,
Kristina