No sound?!

I stayed up late to see Tessa on TV. I DID see her - she looked adorable in her orange dress. However, for some reason several TV channels tonight have no sound at our house - huh? One of those, of course, was channel 5. I couldn't hear! It doesn't appear to be on the website, either. (sigh)

Comcast Cable, what is UP?! I hardly ever watch TV but when my daughter is on TV it doesn't have sound?!

Tessa's 15 seconds of Fame

Today we played on Alki Beach after school with friends. (It is two blocks from school to the beach - talk about convenient.) Well, a newscaster showed up to do a story about the heatwave, and spent a bunch of time filming Tessa and her friends. We're told that we can see her at either 10pm or 11pm on King 5 www.king5.com in the heatwave story.

The kid is walking on air. She's pretty sure this is movie star status, and she's SO excited.

Me too!

After my intensive cancer treatment year, I was so filled with energy to live my life well, and I was really riding high. I did a half marathon, the 3-Day, Race for the Cure, lost 40 pounds, joined a church, and the rest.

Some of that has stuck, some hasn't, but the thing I miss is the riding high. It's a much bigger struggle these days to feel the sheer joy of being alive, and I miss that. Of course I'm still grateful, and I DO feel it, but it's not the euphroia anymore.

Here's a NYT article that discusses that. I am not alone, and there is comfort in that.
http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/reprieve/

The rush

Why am I so rushed?

Trying to focus....

Cancerversary

Happy cancerversary to me.

Four years since diagnosis.

Back with my family

The only thing about girls' weekends is that they come to an end so quickly - in the blink of an eye. Fortunately, I love my family and so being home isn't exactly torture....but being away from Susan & Carolyn? No good. No good at all.

We had high tea. We stayed in our PJs and sat on the beds drinking coffee until 1:23pm. (1:23?! Oh my gosh we have to get ready to go to the spa!) We had massages. We went out for dinner. We shopped. We went dancing to Bollywood style music at a club called Fez (and I am so glad Carolyn danced with me, and so grateful that Susan said, "no, no, it's okay, we don't have to go" as she sat on the edges, observing, allowing us to have a little extra fun).

We caught up on each other.

And all too soon, we're home. Good to be home, but still....

Carolyn & Susan

Today, this morning, Carolyn arrives. I have known Carolyn since 1986, when I moved to Seattle, and I have loved her since the minute I met her. Since she lives two states away, I rarely get to see her, but somehow, when we do meet, the time just slips away and it feels like we've never been apart. Somehow, even though our lives look different on the outsides, when we are together, we are simply one.

Today, I will cry tears of joy when I pick her up at the airport, because that is how it works, but we will laugh and laugh when we're together.

Carolyn is coming in a day early for our girls' weekend so that she can spend time with my family - Tessa is excited to see Auntie Carolyn, and is also excited for the prospect of getting pedicures together.

And then tomorrow, dear Susan joins the fun, and will pick up Carolyn & I for the road trip to Portland. Susan and I met in college - was it 1991? I always forget! - and we were roommates for four years after that, and we worked together at Microsoft, and we have shared so much together. I watched her children's births, and she watched Tessa's birth, and she is a part of me and I am a part of her.

Well, this year, all three of us turn 40, and so this weekend is a celebration of that, and of each other. We're having high tea, going to a spa, staying at a nice hotel, maybe going to the art museum.....but the moment I look forward to most is simply hanging out in our PJs in our hotel room. Slumber party for the 40 year old set - I can't wait!

Anniversary time

This is the time of my cancer-versaries.

May 25: found lump
May 26: doctor confirmed lump
May 27: mammograms, ultrasound, and "I'm sorry, but it looks like cancer"
May 31: biopsies
June 1: official diagnosis
June 13: left mastectomy
There are other dates, too - first chemo, date of the allergic reaction to Taxol when I nearly died, last chemo, first radiation, last radiation, but those are spread through the year. This is the time of year when all of the dates are close together: wham, wham, wham.

Every time I remember one of these dates it gives me a little jolt. I remember it all quite clearly - how could I not?

It shakes me up to think about it; to think what I have lost. Still, I've come a long way, and I'm not in "that place" any more. So what do I do with it all? I have no idea. Right now, I'm reflecting, but I don't have any conclusions to draw. I find it all so very confusing, so mixed up with so many things both good and bad.

I am here. I am alive. Of these things I am certain, and I am very grateful.

But the rest is confusing.

Mary Oliver is funny!

Tonight I went with girlfriends to see Mary Oliver, the poet, speak at Benaroya Hall. It was lovely, if a little too short, and I'm so glad I went.

But what surprised me most was her humor! This woman, who writes of sorrow and death and compassion and nature is just simply quite funny, and it was in her poems all along but I'd been reading them too seriously, I think. She paused for great effect and everyone in the audience was laughing, and I was delighted.

I can't wait to read her work with a new sense of humor.

Four years

Four years ago today I found a lump. Life hasn't been the same since.

Maybe it's a good thing I couldn't get my MRI this month.

I want to reflect on this moment, but the mere idea of it exhausts me. I no longer know what to say...

Except that I am glad to be alive, and I do not take it for granted.

Pictures from Bellingham

We came home last night after a lovely time, and today we're enjoying being home.

Chincoteague ponies, fresh air, a street fair, a farmer's market - lovely!

Outta here!

This weekend we were supposed to go to Anacortes with my parents in their motorhome. Well, last night my dad came down with a stomach bug, and today my mom doesn't feel too good, either.

Uh oh. Love you, Mom & Dad, but I don't want to be in a room with a stomach bug!

We're disappointed because it's not often that we get together like that, and my brother and his family were going to be camping close by, with lots of cousin time....but what can we do?

While Tessa was still sleeping this morning, Ryan and I decided that we were dying to get out of town and that we needed to do SOMETHING. On a whim, we picked Bellingham. We found a cheap hotel that will take us AND Shep (we weren't even going to attempt dog care at this late date), and I've done quick internet research to find the farmer's market (Saturday), museum (all in one place: art, history, and children's!), ponies (we might get to visit a Chincoteague pony farm), festival (Ski to Sea on Sunday), local pool (with a big waterslide, no less), parks (I know we want to hike in Larrabee). I also hope to swing by WWU to show Tessa where Mama went to graduate school.

We're winging it - all we have are the hotel reservations and a whole lot of fun ideas. It's only a couple hours away but we are ready to shake things up and have some fun.

Happy three day weekend, everyone!

Blue

The pill I was supposed to take and the one I did take were both blue.

What a lame excuse that is!!! I won't do it twice, I tell you that. This whole day was shot, and I had much to do.

In other news...
My insurance company won't approve my MRI and I had to cancel my appointment. This is disappointing and frustrating, to say the least. I can't have a mammogram because I have lymphaedema AND fragile tissue from radiation (paper thin - I literally think my breast would burst in a mammogram) and I have implants that need to be checked for leaks and I am high risk for recurrence and they say I need one before the MRI ... how dare they! Dr. Rinn is up to bat and wrote them a letter but it's not doing anything yet.

I hate getting scanned. Cancer is odd in that it makes me beg to do horrible things. I begged to keep going with radiation, begged to get my ovaries removed, begged to find a way to stay on the drugs (AIs), begged for Zometa infusions. I find it rather ironic that I'm begging for an MRI because I hate them. They are claustrophobic and noisy and frightening and they take every inch of my willpower not to run away screaming. Worse than that, the MRI looks for cancer, and it might find it.

Today I ran into an aquaintance. She recurred, she's in chemo again. It could be me. I need the MRI to give me another reprieve, to tell me that I'm safe for a while.

Ugh. It's hard to exit Cancerland with so many reminders left and right.

Quick note

I made a huge mistake this morning. Instead of my thyroid medicine, I accidentally took a sleeping pill.

Oh. My. God.

I was at Tessa's school when it kicked in. I had to call to get a ride home.

I'm so glad that I realized what I had done, and didn't drive under the influence. I came home and laid in the hammock, sleeping on and off, until my friend Sarah drove me back to Alki to get my car (and Tessa!) at the end of the day.

Yikes.

Headed in the right direction

I really am feeling so much better. I'm not "there" yet - whereever that place might be - but I am on the path. Last night I was tired, but then again, it was a really busy day.

Today I'm chaperoning a field trip at SAM with Tessa's class. That would wear out any sane person! Still, I'm looking forward to it.

Turning a corner?

Yesterday, at Caleb's party, I felt energetic.

Last night I slept well.

This morning I awoke, and still felt good.

I got Tessa to school, came home and did some mail, and then went for a five mile walk - my favorite loop through Lincoln Park. I saw the eagles' nest, I collected shells and beach glass, I breathed in the warm soil scent of the woods and the cool salt scent of the sea. I felt filled with gratitude for it all.

While I was on the urban part of my walk I listened to my iPod. (I did learn last time; now I unplug when I enter the park.) This time I heard a podcast from Speaking of Faith, and it included a poem by Wendell Berry that I'd never heard before. I loved it so much that I came home to look it up, and now I'm sharing it with you.

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
— Wendell Berry

"Day-blind stars" - oh that is beautiful....I close my eyes and I can see them through the sunlight.

Now it's time to run around and do chores and pull out the book materials....but this is a great start to the week.

Edited at 2:52 to add: I haven't accomplished this much in weeks! I scrubbed the bathroom (including a miserable 15 minutes on my knees scrubbing the ring off the tub with Bon Ami and a brush), vacuumed, stripped the beds, and much more. I'm tired now, but in the usual way - I was running around like a crazy person. Tomorrow I'll run at the art museum for Tessa's field trip, and the rest of the week I can do Hunts Point stuff. Fingers crossed that my energy sticks around....

The garden, mid-May

Photos to show the "before" picture as it stands currently...

Adventure!

Today we decided to break with routine. We packed a picnic, and headed north, to Whidbey Island via La Conner and Deception Pass. We went to a Native American festival at Coupeville, we had frybread, we went to a couple of beautiful parks, we had our picnic.

We agreed that it felt like we were on vacation, and we've decided we need more days like this. Why don't we do this more often? It was great, memorable, and lovely. We'll be repeating again soon - Port Townsend? Vashon Island? Bainbridge? We don't need to go far, but we were a world away from our rourtines, and it was bliss.

We even got some passers-by to take pictures, and got some decent family photos. Check them out!

Trailblazing

I exchanged email with my oncologist. I told her about my side effects when going off Aromasin, including increased fatigue and skin break-outs. I asked if I was getting an estrogen surge that was causing this, and when it would get better. Her response? Mostly, people don't have side effects when quitting this drug. I'm blazing a new trail on this one. She said that she wasn't surprised by my side effects, but that they weren't standard. She still thinks I'll feel much better in a month or two.

My face looks like I'm going through adolescence because of the acne, and menopause because of the wrinkles and age spot. Good grief. Still, it's the fatigue that gets me the most.

And I have to confess that the longer it goes on the harder it is to talk myself off the ceiling. Maybe it's a sign that the beast is back? Never mind that fatigue is not usually a symptom of cancer, it still scares me. This is part of the cancer game - no matter how far out from diagnosis I get, these questions whisper around the edges of my mind. It's not as bad as when I was first diagnosed, when the whispers were actually shouts and screams, but it takes up a lot of my energy just to keep those voices soft and not allow them to take over. Generally, I can talk myself down, remind myself that my blood work and tumor markers look good, that I've done amazing amounts of treatment....but it's hard work.

Whatever

I'm really impatient and frustrated.

Yesterday I did my lovely long walk.

By 4pm I was completely, totally wiped out.

I am so tired of this. I want my life back!