This must be short, but I wanted to update to tell everyone that I am well, just busy. My health feels fabulous right now and my energy levels are up...just in time to get ready for my surgery on Wednesday. I'm scheduled to be admitted to Swedish at 5:30am on Wednesday morning, with a 7:30am surgery time. I will be in the hospital 5 days, we think, heading home on Monday.
I need to do an MRI to make sure that there is no cancer in the breast they're removing (that would change the surgery type), and this brings back terrible memories of the last MRI. I'm praying that it will be very different this time, both emotionally and in terms of results.
This weekend we're going to Orcas Island to visit with Marisa & Max and enjoy the cabin. We can't wait!
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I hit my Weight Watchers goal today!
I can't believe I did it. I honestly can't believe it...but it's true! Today I went to Weight Watchers, and I am now officially down 32.8 pounds, and I have hit my official Weight Watchers goal. I weigh less than I have in about 10 to 15 years, and I'm wearing some size 6 and some size 8 clothes (depends on the brand). I barely recognize this new body as my own...and that's a good thing!
If anyone is reading this and hoping to lose weight, here is my advice:
1. DO NOT think about your final goal, just about your mini-goals. If I had sat down in February and told myself "I need to lose more than 30 pounds" I think at the first setback I would have quit, or I would have been frustrated when I only lost a half pound. Instead, I focused on losing one pound a week, and promised myself that as long as I was averaging a pound a week of loss (and fortunately for me I averaged more than that) I WAS meeting my goal. A pound a week equals 52 pounds in a year, so I think that's a worthy goal. By keeping the goals small, I felt like I had lots to celebrate along the way, and I wasn't too bogged down by the big picture.
2. Don't live in deprivation. If you told me now that I could never have chocolate, pasta, wine, or cheese again, I would gladly give up the "skinny" to enjoy those foods, because I LOVE those foods and I'm not a big fan of deprivation. Plus, I hate being told that I'm not allowed to have something...that makes me crave it even more. Instead, just choose to have those items less frequently, or in smaller portions, or both. When there is a birthday party, I still get to have a (small) piece of birthday cake. When it's girls' night, I still eat dessert. When I want to, I still have a glass of wine. By not giving those things up, I have been able to enjoy the ride, and so it doesn't feel like I'm on a strict diet, and so it feels like a lifestyle shift, and not deprivation.
3. Plan ahead. It's MUCH easier to lose weight if you plan your day and to be successful. If I know that I'm having a higher point (higher calorie) dinner, I make sure to have a light lunch. If I know that I have lots of social plans on the weekend, I save up my flex points for those events so that I can enjoy the events without going over my point allowances.
4. Share the journey with someone else. My dear friend Michele initially inspired me to join Weight Watchers because of her success with it, and she and I spent a lot of time swapping tips and recipes. Then, Ryan came on board (hurrah!) and we plan our points together, encouraging each other to stay on the plan and congratulating each other on our successes. My mom is also on the plan (I'm proud of you, Mom!) and it's fabulous when we have dinner with my parents because I know that it will be healthy. It's a lot easier to do this if your team is in place, ready to support you.
5. Diet and exercise together is the best combination, but if you can't do one, don't give up the other. Radiation burns and hysterectomies and fatigue have really put my exercise on the back burner, but though I'm not exercising the way I should and would like to, I'm not giving up the plan...and I've still had success.
Now, my plan is to add the exercise back in to my lifestyle, and to continue with my healthy eating habits for the rest of my life. I will slowly add back in more points until I'm not losing weight any more, and I will work on doing strength training and cardio to make my body not only slim, but also healthy. Reaching goal is, in many ways, the beginning of the journey, and not the end. I'll continue to attend WW meetings to keep myself on target, too.
I am giving away all of my larger clothes. My clothes will tell me when it's time for me to drop a few pounds again...I will not be buying ANOTHER wardrobe, because I like where I'm at far too much. If/when my clothes get too tight, I will just drop my points down to the "dieting" range again, and do a minor correction before things get out of hand.
Because I'm a healthy weight, I have cut my risk of a breast cancer recurrance by as much as fifty percent. WOW. Now there's some incentive to keep the weight off!
Thanks for letting me brag....if I can't do it in my own blog, then I can't do it anywhere. Thanks for listening!
Kristina
If anyone is reading this and hoping to lose weight, here is my advice:
1. DO NOT think about your final goal, just about your mini-goals. If I had sat down in February and told myself "I need to lose more than 30 pounds" I think at the first setback I would have quit, or I would have been frustrated when I only lost a half pound. Instead, I focused on losing one pound a week, and promised myself that as long as I was averaging a pound a week of loss (and fortunately for me I averaged more than that) I WAS meeting my goal. A pound a week equals 52 pounds in a year, so I think that's a worthy goal. By keeping the goals small, I felt like I had lots to celebrate along the way, and I wasn't too bogged down by the big picture.
2. Don't live in deprivation. If you told me now that I could never have chocolate, pasta, wine, or cheese again, I would gladly give up the "skinny" to enjoy those foods, because I LOVE those foods and I'm not a big fan of deprivation. Plus, I hate being told that I'm not allowed to have something...that makes me crave it even more. Instead, just choose to have those items less frequently, or in smaller portions, or both. When there is a birthday party, I still get to have a (small) piece of birthday cake. When it's girls' night, I still eat dessert. When I want to, I still have a glass of wine. By not giving those things up, I have been able to enjoy the ride, and so it doesn't feel like I'm on a strict diet, and so it feels like a lifestyle shift, and not deprivation.
3. Plan ahead. It's MUCH easier to lose weight if you plan your day and to be successful. If I know that I'm having a higher point (higher calorie) dinner, I make sure to have a light lunch. If I know that I have lots of social plans on the weekend, I save up my flex points for those events so that I can enjoy the events without going over my point allowances.
4. Share the journey with someone else. My dear friend Michele initially inspired me to join Weight Watchers because of her success with it, and she and I spent a lot of time swapping tips and recipes. Then, Ryan came on board (hurrah!) and we plan our points together, encouraging each other to stay on the plan and congratulating each other on our successes. My mom is also on the plan (I'm proud of you, Mom!) and it's fabulous when we have dinner with my parents because I know that it will be healthy. It's a lot easier to do this if your team is in place, ready to support you.
5. Diet and exercise together is the best combination, but if you can't do one, don't give up the other. Radiation burns and hysterectomies and fatigue have really put my exercise on the back burner, but though I'm not exercising the way I should and would like to, I'm not giving up the plan...and I've still had success.
Now, my plan is to add the exercise back in to my lifestyle, and to continue with my healthy eating habits for the rest of my life. I will slowly add back in more points until I'm not losing weight any more, and I will work on doing strength training and cardio to make my body not only slim, but also healthy. Reaching goal is, in many ways, the beginning of the journey, and not the end. I'll continue to attend WW meetings to keep myself on target, too.
I am giving away all of my larger clothes. My clothes will tell me when it's time for me to drop a few pounds again...I will not be buying ANOTHER wardrobe, because I like where I'm at far too much. If/when my clothes get too tight, I will just drop my points down to the "dieting" range again, and do a minor correction before things get out of hand.
Because I'm a healthy weight, I have cut my risk of a breast cancer recurrance by as much as fifty percent. WOW. Now there's some incentive to keep the weight off!
Thanks for letting me brag....if I can't do it in my own blog, then I can't do it anywhere. Thanks for listening!
Kristina
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Hysterectomy+Cold=Dragging
First, an aside:
Today Tessa was being so darn cute that it brought tears to my eyes. She was telling me stories (inventive imaginings), helping me in the kitchen, and being exceptionally loving when I was just laying on the couch like a slug. My heart burst with love for her, but my eyes filled with tears. The tears had some joy, but also the pain of not being able to play with her and to mother her in the wyas I'd like to while I'm recovering. Ouch.
Friends, I am dragging through the days. I am so tired it's almost like being on chemo again...ack! This morning was my most active since the surgery a week ago: We got up, showered, and left to go see the UW crew races at the Montlake cut (a first for all of us - I've always wanted to go, and so has Ryan but we'd never made it. It's important to Ryan and I to instill in Tessa that women can be fabulous athletes, and so we want to expose her to this kind of stuff...and I think it's pretty darn cool to expose Tessa to the UW so that she'll get a taste of her mother's, grandfather's, and uncle's alma mater). On the way there, we stopped by the Susan G. Komen offices and picked up Race for the Cure registration materials, because I am the West Seattle contact for Race for the Cure...all we had to do was pick up a few boxes (which Ryan kindly toted for me). Then, we picked up Marisa at her house, headed to the crew races, and watched for perhaps 20 minutes. Then we headed to "the Ave" (University Avenue) to visit the University Bookstore (Ryan and Marisa browsed while Tessa and I explored the children's section...I have an entire shelf of books that I haven't read yet). By then, I was feeling tired, even though we hadn't done much at all. We dropped Marisa off at home, then dropped off the registration materials at Capers in West Seattle (and had quick soup and sandwiches for lunch together), and then I came home, put on my PJs, and crawled into bed, where I spent the afternoon.
Ugh. I am starting to fantasize about all the things that I will do when I have a healthy body again. This fantasy includes:
1. Taking Tessa to a park and running around after her. Push her on the swings, go down the slide with her, and then go to the beach to look for seashells and practice walking on logs. Run with her, chase her, and laugh together.
2. Exercise. I'm so interested in having a healthy body that the jiggly tummy that I still possess is an irritation because I'm motivated to fix it but I don't have the energy to do so. I know that I can do more and I'm ready to do it! I have a weights routine, a walking plan, and I'm eager to get started.
3. Take care of the house. The little things build up, and I want to work in the garden, do a deep cleaning, etc.
4. Cook healthy meals again. For me, one trick to excelling on WW is cooking interesting, diverse foods...that way I don't get bored and I don't miss the fat/sugar/white flour so much. Plus, it's so very important to me to model excellent eating habits to Tessa.
5. Do things with friends. Meet friends to have a playdate, go on dates with Ryan, go to girls' night or bookclub....all the normal "fun" things.
6. Do my work for the Bellevue School District.
7. Update the blog.
It's really the little things that count and I'm so tired of not being able to do the essentials!
SO, on that note, it's 6:36pm and I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina
Today Tessa was being so darn cute that it brought tears to my eyes. She was telling me stories (inventive imaginings), helping me in the kitchen, and being exceptionally loving when I was just laying on the couch like a slug. My heart burst with love for her, but my eyes filled with tears. The tears had some joy, but also the pain of not being able to play with her and to mother her in the wyas I'd like to while I'm recovering. Ouch.
Friends, I am dragging through the days. I am so tired it's almost like being on chemo again...ack! This morning was my most active since the surgery a week ago: We got up, showered, and left to go see the UW crew races at the Montlake cut (a first for all of us - I've always wanted to go, and so has Ryan but we'd never made it. It's important to Ryan and I to instill in Tessa that women can be fabulous athletes, and so we want to expose her to this kind of stuff...and I think it's pretty darn cool to expose Tessa to the UW so that she'll get a taste of her mother's, grandfather's, and uncle's alma mater). On the way there, we stopped by the Susan G. Komen offices and picked up Race for the Cure registration materials, because I am the West Seattle contact for Race for the Cure...all we had to do was pick up a few boxes (which Ryan kindly toted for me). Then, we picked up Marisa at her house, headed to the crew races, and watched for perhaps 20 minutes. Then we headed to "the Ave" (University Avenue) to visit the University Bookstore (Ryan and Marisa browsed while Tessa and I explored the children's section...I have an entire shelf of books that I haven't read yet). By then, I was feeling tired, even though we hadn't done much at all. We dropped Marisa off at home, then dropped off the registration materials at Capers in West Seattle (and had quick soup and sandwiches for lunch together), and then I came home, put on my PJs, and crawled into bed, where I spent the afternoon.
Ugh. I am starting to fantasize about all the things that I will do when I have a healthy body again. This fantasy includes:
1. Taking Tessa to a park and running around after her. Push her on the swings, go down the slide with her, and then go to the beach to look for seashells and practice walking on logs. Run with her, chase her, and laugh together.
2. Exercise. I'm so interested in having a healthy body that the jiggly tummy that I still possess is an irritation because I'm motivated to fix it but I don't have the energy to do so. I know that I can do more and I'm ready to do it! I have a weights routine, a walking plan, and I'm eager to get started.
3. Take care of the house. The little things build up, and I want to work in the garden, do a deep cleaning, etc.
4. Cook healthy meals again. For me, one trick to excelling on WW is cooking interesting, diverse foods...that way I don't get bored and I don't miss the fat/sugar/white flour so much. Plus, it's so very important to me to model excellent eating habits to Tessa.
5. Do things with friends. Meet friends to have a playdate, go on dates with Ryan, go to girls' night or bookclub....all the normal "fun" things.
6. Do my work for the Bellevue School District.
7. Update the blog.
It's really the little things that count and I'm so tired of not being able to do the essentials!
SO, on that note, it's 6:36pm and I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Clean pathology!
This morning, Katie from Dr. Paley's office called me, and reported that my pathology report just came in, and it is clean. There was no evidence of cancer, ovarian or otherwise, and everything looked great.
HURRAH! Maybe now the nightmares will stop....
Love,
Kristina
HURRAH! Maybe now the nightmares will stop....
Love,
Kristina
Monday, April 03, 2006
Proud of Ryan
As many of you know, Ryan joined Weight Watchers a while ago, inspired by the losses he saw from Michele & I as we stayed on the program (and with a few threats from his family doctor, too). Well, today Ryan reached his 10% goal! By losing 10% of his body weight, Ryan has put himself at lower risk for heart disease and diabetes, and in better health. I'm so, so proud of him for sticking with it.
And I must say, Ryan looks fantastic. He is having to buy new, smaller clothes because his old ones are so big he's swimming in them, and I think that I have a very handsome husband! I will have to take some pictures and post them here soon.
Ryan and I both have some miles to go on our weight loss journeys, but I am certain that we will reach our goals. This summer, I hope that you find us going for hikes together, running on the beach, and maybe even biking together (yikes do you think I evne know how to ride a bike any more?). It's fun to get skinny together.
Love,
Kristina
PS Thanks for listening to me vent here yesterday. Really, this process sucks, and I'm more than tired of it. It helps me to be honest about that...to scream and cry, then catch my breath and try to move forward.
And I must say, Ryan looks fantastic. He is having to buy new, smaller clothes because his old ones are so big he's swimming in them, and I think that I have a very handsome husband! I will have to take some pictures and post them here soon.
Ryan and I both have some miles to go on our weight loss journeys, but I am certain that we will reach our goals. This summer, I hope that you find us going for hikes together, running on the beach, and maybe even biking together (yikes do you think I evne know how to ride a bike any more?). It's fun to get skinny together.
Love,
Kristina
PS Thanks for listening to me vent here yesterday. Really, this process sucks, and I'm more than tired of it. It helps me to be honest about that...to scream and cry, then catch my breath and try to move forward.
Tired of this
I am so, so, so tired of this. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I'm tired of having body parts removed. I'm tired of losing my femininity, one piece at a time. (Please do not tell me that femininity is an attitude. I know that, but I also know that it's made up of body parts that I no longer have.) I'm tired of being in so much pain...pain from radiation burns, pain from surgery. I'm tired of the strain it puts on my entire family, knowing how much it hurts them, too. I'm tired of having an abnormal life as the result of all of this. I'm tired. I live in fear that it will be like this forever.
I just want to be well. I want to be able to hug Tessa without fear that her head will bump my portacath (ouch) my radiation burn (OUCH) or my hysterectomy incisions (OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!).
I don't want to have to fake being strong all the time, I want to actually BE strong.
I know I've got a lot behind me, but the road is still so very, very long, and the last miles are the hardest because the fatigue has set in. My bones ache from it, and I wonder how I will go another step sometimes. Haven't I done enough? When is it enough? When do I get to be happy, healthy, and fit? Please, when???
I know I have a bad attitude tonight, and that I'll feel better in the morning. I know that I'll heal from the hysterectomy and then even get some laughs in before the next mastectomy and healing period. I'll be fine...I'm survivor, and I specialize in recovery and healing and making lemons out of lemonade. But it sucks, and I want to shout that, too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I can take it. But it's so horribly unfair that I have to deal with this, and that I'm not even close to being done.
Sigh. I'm sorry if you came here tonight looking for inspiration, because I am just out of inspiration today. I'm just so horribly weary from all of this.
Kristina
I just want to be well. I want to be able to hug Tessa without fear that her head will bump my portacath (ouch) my radiation burn (OUCH) or my hysterectomy incisions (OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!).
I don't want to have to fake being strong all the time, I want to actually BE strong.
I know I've got a lot behind me, but the road is still so very, very long, and the last miles are the hardest because the fatigue has set in. My bones ache from it, and I wonder how I will go another step sometimes. Haven't I done enough? When is it enough? When do I get to be happy, healthy, and fit? Please, when???
I know I have a bad attitude tonight, and that I'll feel better in the morning. I know that I'll heal from the hysterectomy and then even get some laughs in before the next mastectomy and healing period. I'll be fine...I'm survivor, and I specialize in recovery and healing and making lemons out of lemonade. But it sucks, and I want to shout that, too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I can take it. But it's so horribly unfair that I have to deal with this, and that I'm not even close to being done.
Sigh. I'm sorry if you came here tonight looking for inspiration, because I am just out of inspiration today. I'm just so horribly weary from all of this.
Kristina
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Recovery and lost my voice
Recovery is going well. I am extremely tender in the abdomen, and sudden movements are very painful, but if I remember to move slowly I feel fine.
Unfortunately, I have contracted a cold and I've completely lost my voice...I won't be able to pick up the phone because I can't talk! It's very frustrating, and not at all what I needed right now, but it is what it is. The worst part is that I feel like I really need to cough hard to clear my chest, but that pulls horrifically on my incisions, so that's out of the question. Ugh! Hopefully this will be short lived.
I'm reading all those magazines I bought and that friends gave me, and I've spent the entire morning snuggled in bed with Mozart (the cat) leaning on my foot. It could be worse!
Love,
Kristina
Unfortunately, I have contracted a cold and I've completely lost my voice...I won't be able to pick up the phone because I can't talk! It's very frustrating, and not at all what I needed right now, but it is what it is. The worst part is that I feel like I really need to cough hard to clear my chest, but that pulls horrifically on my incisions, so that's out of the question. Ugh! Hopefully this will be short lived.
I'm reading all those magazines I bought and that friends gave me, and I've spent the entire morning snuggled in bed with Mozart (the cat) leaning on my foot. It could be worse!
Love,
Kristina
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Home from the hospital
Hello, all! I'm writing to let you know that I'm home from the hospital, and that all is well.
I had a very restless night last night - I felt okay but was unable to sleep much. Fortunately, I had a gorgeous view of the Seattle skyline and even glimpses of West Seattle and the Sound out my window, so I was able to stare out at that and feel peaceful, even if I'd rather have been sleeping. I spent part of the night walking in circles around the ward, as suggested by the doc and PT (though I doubt they thought I'd be doing this at 2am!) to help my body to recover.
During the surgery, my abdomen was pumped full of carbon dioxide, and this is the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing at the moment. Fortunately, the pain meds are very effective and I don't have much to complain about. I have four very small incisions, and I feel pretty functional, though a bit tired. Walking is fine, sitting is fine, but the process of standing up or sitting down is uncomfortable as those motions use the abdominal muscles.
After leaving the hospital, I met up with Lori, and she drove me to the Breast Cancer 3-Day Kick-off Event at Ingraham High School. We watched an inspiring video, got some fundraising tips, and viewed various products (hats, shirts, walking shoes, etc.) for sale. I'll bet I was the only person there who'd had a hysterectomy in the past 24 hours!
Thank you to all of you who have called and offered support...I know how blessed I am to have you in my life.
Love,
Kristina
PS One thing I'm not thrilled about: I GAINED 8 pounds in this process!!!!! It's probably fluid retention and gas from the surgery, but I can't believe that I literally didn't eat solid food from Wednesday night to Saturday morning, AND I had organs removed, and I somehow gained weight. NO FAIR! The docs say that it will probably disappear within 3 days but still, I'm not pleased with my new, bloated self. Yuck!
I had a very restless night last night - I felt okay but was unable to sleep much. Fortunately, I had a gorgeous view of the Seattle skyline and even glimpses of West Seattle and the Sound out my window, so I was able to stare out at that and feel peaceful, even if I'd rather have been sleeping. I spent part of the night walking in circles around the ward, as suggested by the doc and PT (though I doubt they thought I'd be doing this at 2am!) to help my body to recover.
During the surgery, my abdomen was pumped full of carbon dioxide, and this is the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing at the moment. Fortunately, the pain meds are very effective and I don't have much to complain about. I have four very small incisions, and I feel pretty functional, though a bit tired. Walking is fine, sitting is fine, but the process of standing up or sitting down is uncomfortable as those motions use the abdominal muscles.
After leaving the hospital, I met up with Lori, and she drove me to the Breast Cancer 3-Day Kick-off Event at Ingraham High School. We watched an inspiring video, got some fundraising tips, and viewed various products (hats, shirts, walking shoes, etc.) for sale. I'll bet I was the only person there who'd had a hysterectomy in the past 24 hours!
Thank you to all of you who have called and offered support...I know how blessed I am to have you in my life.
Love,
Kristina
PS One thing I'm not thrilled about: I GAINED 8 pounds in this process!!!!! It's probably fluid retention and gas from the surgery, but I can't believe that I literally didn't eat solid food from Wednesday night to Saturday morning, AND I had organs removed, and I somehow gained weight. NO FAIR! The docs say that it will probably disappear within 3 days but still, I'm not pleased with my new, bloated self. Yuck!
Friday, March 31, 2006
Surgery update- It went great!
Hi All,
Thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts today! Despite a delay of about 2 hours while we waited for the previous surgery to finish up, Kristina's surgery went very well. According to the Doctor she had minimal blood loss and a preliminary look at the ovaries etc, showed no sign of cancer. A more detailed lab will be done and results will be available in about a week. Surgery started at about 2 pm and went till 4 and Kristina had about 2 hours in Recovery. Susan and I visited her when she got to her room and although she was initially groggy and parched she perked up after a supersized value meal of clear liquids (broth, water and popsicle) and some pain meds. She graduated to full liquid- read Milkshake, and even took a few slow laps around the ward as her doctor had suggested. About 9 PM it all caught up to her and she decided it was time to go to sleep. Thank you all for your support and thank you Grammie and Grandpa for taking such good care of TK, thank you Paul for waiting around and getting lunch with me and thank you Susan for being there this evening (and for treating for dinner!). I fully expect that Kristina will be back home tomorrow and giving a more thorough update.
Good night
One Tired, and relieved, Husband ;-)
Thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts today! Despite a delay of about 2 hours while we waited for the previous surgery to finish up, Kristina's surgery went very well. According to the Doctor she had minimal blood loss and a preliminary look at the ovaries etc, showed no sign of cancer. A more detailed lab will be done and results will be available in about a week. Surgery started at about 2 pm and went till 4 and Kristina had about 2 hours in Recovery. Susan and I visited her when she got to her room and although she was initially groggy and parched she perked up after a supersized value meal of clear liquids (broth, water and popsicle) and some pain meds. She graduated to full liquid- read Milkshake, and even took a few slow laps around the ward as her doctor had suggested. About 9 PM it all caught up to her and she decided it was time to go to sleep. Thank you all for your support and thank you Grammie and Grandpa for taking such good care of TK, thank you Paul for waiting around and getting lunch with me and thank you Susan for being there this evening (and for treating for dinner!). I fully expect that Kristina will be back home tomorrow and giving a more thorough update.
Good night
One Tired, and relieved, Husband ;-)
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Ready for surgery
I'm ready. I am in a good space mentally: I passed my EKG and chest X-rays today with flying colors, and my bloodwork from Wednesday all came back looking great, and I'm ready to go. I have lost at least two pounds on the liquid-diet-with-laxatives (YUCK!) that I was put on to prepare me for surgery, and tonight I plan on dreaming of chocolate cake. :-)
This evening, our friend Jenny had us over for dinner (mine was chicken broth and jello - Ryan, Jenny, and the kids all had "real" food!) and she gave me a lovely care package to take to the hospital. I am blessed by my friendships, and I do not forget that for a moment. Jenny is a new friend, and my friends new and old have surrounded me and made me feel cared for. Thank you to everyone for the calls, emails, and cards. I know how fortunate I am!
Tonight I had a nice, long bubble bath with Tessa, and an extra long snuggle with her before she went to sleep. I will miss her dreadfully while I'm recovering, but I know that she will be very happy with Grammy & Grandpa, and that they will have lovely adventures.
Ryan has been very supportive, and will be at my side at the hospital. Please give him a call or send him a thought or prayer, because while I'm sleeping, he'll be worrying. I love you, Ryan!
I will have Ryan update the blog tomorrow night. Wish me well - I'm off!
Love,
Kristina
This evening, our friend Jenny had us over for dinner (mine was chicken broth and jello - Ryan, Jenny, and the kids all had "real" food!) and she gave me a lovely care package to take to the hospital. I am blessed by my friendships, and I do not forget that for a moment. Jenny is a new friend, and my friends new and old have surrounded me and made me feel cared for. Thank you to everyone for the calls, emails, and cards. I know how fortunate I am!
Tonight I had a nice, long bubble bath with Tessa, and an extra long snuggle with her before she went to sleep. I will miss her dreadfully while I'm recovering, but I know that she will be very happy with Grammy & Grandpa, and that they will have lovely adventures.
Ryan has been very supportive, and will be at my side at the hospital. Please give him a call or send him a thought or prayer, because while I'm sleeping, he'll be worrying. I love you, Ryan!
I will have Ryan update the blog tomorrow night. Wish me well - I'm off!
Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Surgery Prep: Shopping
Yes, you read that right. I have recently become a shop-a-holic, and I've been buying new clothes to fit my new body. I am just tired of being unfeminine - after losing a breast, my hair, my eyelashes and eyebrows, getting fat, being covered in scars, and now about to lose a uterus/ovaries (this month) and another breast (next month), I was ready for some retail therapy. I want to be cute, I want to stand out, I want to be fashionable. I want to be thin, and I want to be healthy...and I want to show off my thin and healthy body! Sooo, I've been prepping for surgery by shopping a little. (My grandma gave me a check....SO appreciated, I can't even tell you, and her gift has funding my little extravagances.) I have a long way to go to be truly fashionable but I have made some strides. :-)
In other, less exciting, surgery prep, I have just entered the liquid-diet phase of surgery preparation, starting by taking an oral laxative that tasted so bad it's a wonder I didn't throw up. Grrr that's not fun....!
Today I had my oncology appointment, and another Herceptin infusion. Tomorrow, I have an EKG and chest x-ray, as well as my admit appointment for the hospital. Fun, fun, fun.
Many thanks to *susan* for the call today. (No, I didn't find shoes I could afford...but I found a lovely pair of Manolo Blahnik's for $413 ON SALE. Are they out of their minds? They may have been perfect but for $413 I want an entire wardrobe, not just a pair of shoes!)
Love,
Kristina
In other, less exciting, surgery prep, I have just entered the liquid-diet phase of surgery preparation, starting by taking an oral laxative that tasted so bad it's a wonder I didn't throw up. Grrr that's not fun....!
Today I had my oncology appointment, and another Herceptin infusion. Tomorrow, I have an EKG and chest x-ray, as well as my admit appointment for the hospital. Fun, fun, fun.
Many thanks to *susan* for the call today. (No, I didn't find shoes I could afford...but I found a lovely pair of Manolo Blahnik's for $413 ON SALE. Are they out of their minds? They may have been perfect but for $413 I want an entire wardrobe, not just a pair of shoes!)
Love,
Kristina
Monday, March 27, 2006
Surgery Updates
I just arrived home from my meeting with the gyn-onc, Dr. Paley. I was encouraged by our conversation, and I'm not dreading the surgery nearly as much as I was before.
Updates:
- The surgery will be at 11:45am, meaning an 8:45am admit time, which is a huge improvement over the 5:45am admit time I was initially given!
- Recovery shouldn't be nearly as bad as I was anticipating. I will still be able to do walking (for both practical and exercise reasons), and I can lift up to 10 pounds with each arm, and I can push a stroller as long as it's the jogger that rolls so easily.
- Within two weeks I will be thinking "Why have any restrictions at all?" which is great news. (The answer to that question is "so I don't pull out some stitches, get a hernia, and require an operation to fix it!)
- As long as I'm able to eat and drink normally, I will be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.
Speaking of eating and drinking...I'm going to have some unintentional weight loss because of all of this! Starting on WEDNESDAY evening, I will be on a clear-liquids diet in preparation for the surgery. If you see me on Thursday and I'm a bit, umm, grouchy, then you'll know why! I will be starving on such a diet, but it is what it is. (Speaking of diets, the scale gave me a new low number this morning - hurrah!)
I think my parents might take Tessa for a long weekend trip in their motorhome, and I think that she and they will LOVE it, and I will rest, guilt-free, at home during that time.
Between now and surgery I need to get another chest x-ray, do more blood work, and get an EKG...more appointments (sigh). But I can do this, and I'm not as nervous about it as I was just a few hours ago.
Kristina
Updates:
- The surgery will be at 11:45am, meaning an 8:45am admit time, which is a huge improvement over the 5:45am admit time I was initially given!
- Recovery shouldn't be nearly as bad as I was anticipating. I will still be able to do walking (for both practical and exercise reasons), and I can lift up to 10 pounds with each arm, and I can push a stroller as long as it's the jogger that rolls so easily.
- Within two weeks I will be thinking "Why have any restrictions at all?" which is great news. (The answer to that question is "so I don't pull out some stitches, get a hernia, and require an operation to fix it!)
- As long as I'm able to eat and drink normally, I will be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.
Speaking of eating and drinking...I'm going to have some unintentional weight loss because of all of this! Starting on WEDNESDAY evening, I will be on a clear-liquids diet in preparation for the surgery. If you see me on Thursday and I'm a bit, umm, grouchy, then you'll know why! I will be starving on such a diet, but it is what it is. (Speaking of diets, the scale gave me a new low number this morning - hurrah!)
I think my parents might take Tessa for a long weekend trip in their motorhome, and I think that she and they will LOVE it, and I will rest, guilt-free, at home during that time.
Between now and surgery I need to get another chest x-ray, do more blood work, and get an EKG...more appointments (sigh). But I can do this, and I'm not as nervous about it as I was just a few hours ago.
Kristina
Sunday, March 26, 2006
So tired again
Why am I so **** tired? Tonight we were all going to go to Paul & Libby's and I just couldn't get off the couch. I've done nothing all evening (Ryan & Tessa went to visit P&L without me, with my blessing) and I'm STILL tired. It's horribly frustrating. Life is meant to be lived, and here I am, doing nothing! I hate that feeling.
I also worry because surgery is days away and it is not going to raise my energy levels...
Kristina
I also worry because surgery is days away and it is not going to raise my energy levels...
Kristina
Friday, March 24, 2006
Update on friend's mammogram
My friend has let me know that her mammogram was clear. HURRAH! Now she and I can bond over children, dogs, and a love of West Seattle instead of over cancerous lumps.
Kristina
Kristina
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
poetry
This was posted on the YSC site. I had to share it, because I am a strong woman.
-----------------
(http://www.wnet.org/foolingwithwords/mainlst_piercy.html)
"For strong women"
by Marge Piercy
A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why
aren't you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
-----------------
(http://www.wnet.org/foolingwithwords/mainlst_piercy.html)
"For strong women"
by Marge Piercy
A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why
aren't you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Pelvic ultrasound okay
Today I did a pelvic ultrasound. Good news - my ovaries look normal, and there was nothing unusual on the ultrasound. Between that and the CA125 I'm hoping that I'm in the 83-90% of people in my situation who do NOT have ovarian cancer cells lurking in their body.
Kristina
Kristina
Oops - surgery date goof
I think I posted that surgery is March 30, but it's the 31st (a Friday). I will be checking in at (yawwwwwn!) 5:30am that morning, and released the next afternoon/evening if things go well. Recovery will be about four weeks, including two weeks where I won't be able to do much. (Argh this is going to be difficult!)
Love,
Kristina
Love,
Kristina
Busy life
I can't believe it's been a week since I posted - the time really does fly by. In part, this is due to the fact that I'm trying as hard as I can to just move ahead with my life and do the normal things of life; in part it's due to trying to find 10 hours a week to do my new job; in part it's due to the fact that I am really, really tired these days and find myself going to bed when Tessa does.
I continue to dread my upcoming surgeries, and, more importantly, the recovery from those surgeries. It feels like for every step forward, there are two steps back, and that's hard to take. Right now, aside from the fatigue, I feel great, but I know that in a couple weeks I'll be bedridden. That's a difficult idea for me.
This morning, a friend of mine is going in for a mammogram to check out some suspicious findings in her breast. Please send out a prayer for her that this is nothing, and that she is healthy and well, and doesn't need any treatment. Last month, I received two frantic phonecalls from friends whose friends had just been diagnosed ("How did you pick your doctor?" "What advice do you have?" "How do I help my friend?") and it hits me again how prevalent this **** disease is. I help my friends joyfully to get through these rough times - that's what friends are for - but it makes me ache that yet more sisters are initiated to the club.
As for my own treatment, it's pretty quiet between now and surgery. Today I'm having a pelvic ultrasound, I still go to Herceptin infusions, I'm still in physical therapy, but I don't see a doctor every day, and that's an improvement!
I'm continuing on my Weight Watchers mission, and I've lost a total of 24.2 pounds so far. The weight loss has slowed, but continues, and I am diligent about tracking my points and making healthy choices (not always the easiest thing to do!). Those size 8s feel really darn good, and I'm motivated to stay in them (or even to drop one more size). Ryan has joined WW with me, and has lost 18+ pounds, and I'm really proud of him for doing that. We're going to get healthy together, and THAT is a good thing. I'm also back to exercising, and yesterday the team did a walk of 6 miles that I joined. I'm doing light weights and stretching every day, too, in the hope of toning my body and preparing myself for surgeries. All this is time consuming, but I'm learning to adapt it into my schedule.
My new job is very interesting, and I really enjoy the work, but finding time for it is a challenge. When I do find the time, I go to the coffee shop nearest our house (C&P - really, the best lattes in Seattle, I think) and settle in for hours, calling it my office. When I find the rhythm of the job, I think that I've got a pretty darn good set-up.
Tessa continues to grow, learn, and delight in her world, with the occassional fantadstic temper tantrum thrown in. She's an angel and a delight...I'll post more stories about her soon.
That's all from me for now - Tessa is demanding attention (not surprising!). I will try to update more soon, including some pictures.
Love,
Kristina
I continue to dread my upcoming surgeries, and, more importantly, the recovery from those surgeries. It feels like for every step forward, there are two steps back, and that's hard to take. Right now, aside from the fatigue, I feel great, but I know that in a couple weeks I'll be bedridden. That's a difficult idea for me.
This morning, a friend of mine is going in for a mammogram to check out some suspicious findings in her breast. Please send out a prayer for her that this is nothing, and that she is healthy and well, and doesn't need any treatment. Last month, I received two frantic phonecalls from friends whose friends had just been diagnosed ("How did you pick your doctor?" "What advice do you have?" "How do I help my friend?") and it hits me again how prevalent this **** disease is. I help my friends joyfully to get through these rough times - that's what friends are for - but it makes me ache that yet more sisters are initiated to the club.
As for my own treatment, it's pretty quiet between now and surgery. Today I'm having a pelvic ultrasound, I still go to Herceptin infusions, I'm still in physical therapy, but I don't see a doctor every day, and that's an improvement!
I'm continuing on my Weight Watchers mission, and I've lost a total of 24.2 pounds so far. The weight loss has slowed, but continues, and I am diligent about tracking my points and making healthy choices (not always the easiest thing to do!). Those size 8s feel really darn good, and I'm motivated to stay in them (or even to drop one more size). Ryan has joined WW with me, and has lost 18+ pounds, and I'm really proud of him for doing that. We're going to get healthy together, and THAT is a good thing. I'm also back to exercising, and yesterday the team did a walk of 6 miles that I joined. I'm doing light weights and stretching every day, too, in the hope of toning my body and preparing myself for surgeries. All this is time consuming, but I'm learning to adapt it into my schedule.
My new job is very interesting, and I really enjoy the work, but finding time for it is a challenge. When I do find the time, I go to the coffee shop nearest our house (C&P - really, the best lattes in Seattle, I think) and settle in for hours, calling it my office. When I find the rhythm of the job, I think that I've got a pretty darn good set-up.
Tessa continues to grow, learn, and delight in her world, with the occassional fantadstic temper tantrum thrown in. She's an angel and a delight...I'll post more stories about her soon.
That's all from me for now - Tessa is demanding attention (not surprising!). I will try to update more soon, including some pictures.
Love,
Kristina
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