Tired of this

I am so, so, so tired of this. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I'm tired of having body parts removed. I'm tired of losing my femininity, one piece at a time. (Please do not tell me that femininity is an attitude. I know that, but I also know that it's made up of body parts that I no longer have.) I'm tired of being in so much pain...pain from radiation burns, pain from surgery. I'm tired of the strain it puts on my entire family, knowing how much it hurts them, too. I'm tired of having an abnormal life as the result of all of this. I'm tired. I live in fear that it will be like this forever.

I just want to be well. I want to be able to hug Tessa without fear that her head will bump my portacath (ouch) my radiation burn (OUCH) or my hysterectomy incisions (OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!).

I don't want to have to fake being strong all the time, I want to actually BE strong.

I know I've got a lot behind me, but the road is still so very, very long, and the last miles are the hardest because the fatigue has set in. My bones ache from it, and I wonder how I will go another step sometimes. Haven't I done enough? When is it enough? When do I get to be happy, healthy, and fit? Please, when???

I know I have a bad attitude tonight, and that I'll feel better in the morning. I know that I'll heal from the hysterectomy and then even get some laughs in before the next mastectomy and healing period. I'll be fine...I'm survivor, and I specialize in recovery and healing and making lemons out of lemonade. But it sucks, and I want to shout that, too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I can take it. But it's so horribly unfair that I have to deal with this, and that I'm not even close to being done.

Sigh. I'm sorry if you came here tonight looking for inspiration, because I am just out of inspiration today. I'm just so horribly weary from all of this.

Kristina