Today I found out that Tessa's preschool teacher's mom, the beloved "Grandma Dorothy," is a 29 year survivor of breast cancer. YES! I need more people like this is my life, and the more success stories the better.
In the paper yesterday (or the day before?) there was an article about a violinist who is about to celebrate his 90th birthday; the article talked about his involvement with music, the community, etc. The headline read "How do you get to 90?: Practice, practice, practice". I'm practicing living right now, as a matter of fact. And the headline is currently taped to the bottom of my computer monitor.
Ryan is in Montanta, so it's just Tessa and I for a couple of days. I did the lazy way out tonight and we went to Korkoras, a local Greek place (total bill with tax: $11.21 - nice!).
I am still seriously contemplating a year of buying nothing, or some derivation of it. I think it would be good for me at a number of levels...
Tessa is growing and learning by the minute. At school they have vocabulary words and she is filled with them: she told me about being "absent" and what that means. I love that she loves words and language as much as I do, and that she's proud of her learning.
I'm starting to get the pit-of-my-stomach dread that comes before each surgery. Mine is fast approaching and I dread it.
Tessa's doing art, and I'm puttering around....time to tend to her. Bath night!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Dinner disaster and strange flashbacks
Tonight I made a dinner disaster.
This one compares with the time I made a stirfry with flank steak and didn't know to cut the steak on the diagonal. (For those who don't know, I'll point out that cutting WITH the grain creates a great shoe leather, almost impossible to chew.) It also ranks up there with the time I made a red snapper dish that was so fishy it made me gag (and I'm a seafood lover; I think the fish wasn't fresh). It's been years since an incident of this caliber; I'm a decent cook, but about every 5 years I do a doozy.
Tonight it was a home made chicken pot pie, Cooking Light style, with lots of root vegetables. I'm in a fall mood, and it seemed like comfort food.
I went to buy the groceries a couple days ago: celeriac root, parsnips, sweet potatoes, potatoes, carrots. I thought I'd be creating a gentle melding of delicious nutrients...yum, yum.
I went wrong with celeriac. I didn't expect it to be available at Trader Joe's, and it wasn't, so I went to Thriftway. I didn't see it at first, even though I was staring at every bin of produce. Finally, I found the sign: celeriac (celery root). It didn't look the way I'd remembered it; I remembered it being a kind of a hard, knotty root ball, but I discounted my memory as it's not an ingredient I use very often. What they had in the bin labeled celeriac was more of a long tuber root, with the top and bottom chopped off. Whatever.
Whatever is right. What I bought, I discovered AFTER an hour of chopping, simmering, stirring, whisking, seasoning, baking, rolling (dough) and setting the meal on the table is that I bought horseradish.
You know, the kind of thing where a tablespoon can feed the whole table. Only I used the whole darn horseradish root in my chicken pot pie. NOT celeriac.
Oops.
To say that it was inedible would be kind. Dang it! Oh well, we all had a good laugh.
And in a totally unrelated post...
For my birthday I asked for, and received, a video of Tessa's life, which had been trapped in the camera for four and a half years. Watching it gave such sweet joy; our gorgeous baby getting a bath; Christmas presents; Easter egg hunts; birthday parties.
The first haircut scene took my breath away, though. May 7, 2005. I saw the date in the lower left corner of the screen and all I could think was, "I had cancer, but I didn't know it yet. I didnt' know that on May 25 my whole world would get turned upside down."
It was hard to breathe, seeing that. And remembering the moments that followed.
I also saw, briefly, myself bald and with a crewcut. I was smiling for the camera, catering to Tessa, cheerful voice, but I know better. I know it wasn't happy at all, even when I was pretending.
And on that, I must go to bed. I ate just enough of the chicken-horseradish-pot-pie to feel rather ill, and I think I'm going to have to sleep it off!
This one compares with the time I made a stirfry with flank steak and didn't know to cut the steak on the diagonal. (For those who don't know, I'll point out that cutting WITH the grain creates a great shoe leather, almost impossible to chew.) It also ranks up there with the time I made a red snapper dish that was so fishy it made me gag (and I'm a seafood lover; I think the fish wasn't fresh). It's been years since an incident of this caliber; I'm a decent cook, but about every 5 years I do a doozy.
Tonight it was a home made chicken pot pie, Cooking Light style, with lots of root vegetables. I'm in a fall mood, and it seemed like comfort food.
I went to buy the groceries a couple days ago: celeriac root, parsnips, sweet potatoes, potatoes, carrots. I thought I'd be creating a gentle melding of delicious nutrients...yum, yum.
I went wrong with celeriac. I didn't expect it to be available at Trader Joe's, and it wasn't, so I went to Thriftway. I didn't see it at first, even though I was staring at every bin of produce. Finally, I found the sign: celeriac (celery root). It didn't look the way I'd remembered it; I remembered it being a kind of a hard, knotty root ball, but I discounted my memory as it's not an ingredient I use very often. What they had in the bin labeled celeriac was more of a long tuber root, with the top and bottom chopped off. Whatever.
Whatever is right. What I bought, I discovered AFTER an hour of chopping, simmering, stirring, whisking, seasoning, baking, rolling (dough) and setting the meal on the table is that I bought horseradish.
You know, the kind of thing where a tablespoon can feed the whole table. Only I used the whole darn horseradish root in my chicken pot pie. NOT celeriac.
Oops.
To say that it was inedible would be kind. Dang it! Oh well, we all had a good laugh.
And in a totally unrelated post...
For my birthday I asked for, and received, a video of Tessa's life, which had been trapped in the camera for four and a half years. Watching it gave such sweet joy; our gorgeous baby getting a bath; Christmas presents; Easter egg hunts; birthday parties.
The first haircut scene took my breath away, though. May 7, 2005. I saw the date in the lower left corner of the screen and all I could think was, "I had cancer, but I didn't know it yet. I didnt' know that on May 25 my whole world would get turned upside down."
It was hard to breathe, seeing that. And remembering the moments that followed.
I also saw, briefly, myself bald and with a crewcut. I was smiling for the camera, catering to Tessa, cheerful voice, but I know better. I know it wasn't happy at all, even when I was pretending.
And on that, I must go to bed. I ate just enough of the chicken-horseradish-pot-pie to feel rather ill, and I think I'm going to have to sleep it off!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Happy birthday to me
At 9:59am today I turned 38 years old.
There were some times I didn't think I'd live until or past my 36th birthday.
Today I am happy and healthy. I will take any wrinkles that come my way, should I be lucky enough to receive them. Every birthday is a victory.
I'm looking forward to birthday cake this evening.
There were some times I didn't think I'd live until or past my 36th birthday.
Today I am happy and healthy. I will take any wrinkles that come my way, should I be lucky enough to receive them. Every birthday is a victory.
I'm looking forward to birthday cake this evening.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Busy days
Up and at'em, today is a "typical" fall day.
Breakfast with Tessa, then hurry into clothes to get ready to go to school. Out the door, grab the bike, and we're off. Tessa rode her bike to preschool (it's about a mile) while Shep and I walked; we dropped Tessa off and then Shep and I went for a run. Home again, a quick shower, get some laundry going, and then off to Trader Joe's for groceries. (Proud to say that I did menu planning and a grocery list yesterday.) Grocery shopping, back to West Seattle....oh shoot, traffic on the bridge, no time to drop off groceries, so straight to preschool.
Pick up Tessa, admire her artwork. Time for lunch. Katie & Jenny took us out to Capers for my birthday lunch (thanks, ladies) and the girls had fun being a threesome again. My phone rang, oh shoot, it's the windshield place, a half hour early, and they're at the house. Hurry home, meet the windshield guy ("hey that's a BIG crack!"), and start unloading groceries as he works on the car. Zoe & Jessie get dropped off so that the girls can play, and I begin chores. Three beds stripped and re-made, laundry done, girls playing, popsicle snacks. Bring out the fall stuff (leaf plates, other misc. stuff), put the feather comforter on the bed for cooler nights. Two girls picked up, and Tessa, Shep and I are alone in the house again.
A little bit of playing, a few more chores, a bit of time on the blog, and then we'll do a couple of errands.
Fall days. Not bad getting caught up a bit, even in the mundane. It's a good thing to be healthy enough to do these mundane things.
Tonight is Family Night. (Most are, but this one's official.) We'll have a nice dinner, then eat popcorn as we watch a family movie together. Sounds snuggly and nice to me.
Breakfast with Tessa, then hurry into clothes to get ready to go to school. Out the door, grab the bike, and we're off. Tessa rode her bike to preschool (it's about a mile) while Shep and I walked; we dropped Tessa off and then Shep and I went for a run. Home again, a quick shower, get some laundry going, and then off to Trader Joe's for groceries. (Proud to say that I did menu planning and a grocery list yesterday.) Grocery shopping, back to West Seattle....oh shoot, traffic on the bridge, no time to drop off groceries, so straight to preschool.
Pick up Tessa, admire her artwork. Time for lunch. Katie & Jenny took us out to Capers for my birthday lunch (thanks, ladies) and the girls had fun being a threesome again. My phone rang, oh shoot, it's the windshield place, a half hour early, and they're at the house. Hurry home, meet the windshield guy ("hey that's a BIG crack!"), and start unloading groceries as he works on the car. Zoe & Jessie get dropped off so that the girls can play, and I begin chores. Three beds stripped and re-made, laundry done, girls playing, popsicle snacks. Bring out the fall stuff (leaf plates, other misc. stuff), put the feather comforter on the bed for cooler nights. Two girls picked up, and Tessa, Shep and I are alone in the house again.
A little bit of playing, a few more chores, a bit of time on the blog, and then we'll do a couple of errands.
Fall days. Not bad getting caught up a bit, even in the mundane. It's a good thing to be healthy enough to do these mundane things.
Tonight is Family Night. (Most are, but this one's official.) We'll have a nice dinner, then eat popcorn as we watch a family movie together. Sounds snuggly and nice to me.
The new year
This is the first week of the new year. Not the calendar year, obviously, but for me the new year really begins in fall, with the first week of school.
Tessa is at her new school right now, and she's loving it. Teacher Shelley is kind, the kids seem nice (and Tessa appears to be making new friends), I've enjoyed my short interactions with the other parents, and so far I think that the program is excellent. Tessa loves the fact that there are "pets" in the classroom, incluing a turtle named Myrtle and a tarantula. *shudder* Tessa came home and said, "Daddy, a tarantula is like a really big, hairy spider. You can't pick it up though because it bites." Well said, my dear, and I will stay away. I'm glad that Tessa doesn't have those types of fears, but you won't find me peering lovingly into the spider habitat.
But back to the new year.
I'm filled with the desire to live my life to the best of my abilities and not, as Thoreau said "when it came to die, discover that I had not really lived." I don't have a lot of fears in that regard but I still contemplate the idea regularly to keep myself sharp. Am I being who I want to be? In this minute, am I giving the world the best of myself, or am I taking the easy way and cutting corners and turning a blind eye to what I must do and in the process hiding my best self away?
Some things in the past year have made me extremely happy.
I've been on two teams, Team Kristina and Team Warrior Women, that have collectively raised over $120,000 for breast cancer. I have begun a public life speaking out against breast cancer, and I've done radio, newspaper, and speaking engagements for the cause. I ran the "I am the Cure" program. I did my first half marathon. I'm a good mother, and a decent wife. I've stayed true to my health plan, and I continue to buy and eat healthy food, going organic when possible, with lots of whole grains, lean proteins, fruits, and vegetables. I've kept (most) of my weight off, and I still wear a size 6 (not bad for a 5'7" girl). I read to my daughter, and play with her at the park. I camp with my family, roasting marshmallows (I don't need to be healthy 100% of the time!) under the stars in front of the campfire.
These things all make me happy, but there is so much more!
I'm thinking a lot about the environment these days, and I have a number of thoughts going through my mind on that topic. Last year I went on a "turn off the lights!" campaign for myself at our home, and I was delighted when we got a revised statement for our bill saying that our average bill has fallen by $9 per month. $9 does not alter my pocketbook significantly, and it doesn't save the planet, but it is a great beginning. There is so much more to do, though.
I'm shifting from grocery-store cleaning products (Windex, Clorox, Mr. Clean, Lysol, etc.) to simpler, more earth friendly products. I am finding that baking soda and vinegar are amazing cleaners, and I'm having good success with them. Hopefully the salmon will appreciate my efforts.
We sold our van last year, and the one-car thing is going very well for us. I'm trying to walk and take the bus more myself, as well. (Tessa and I are walking to preschool; today, she rode her bike. It's a great walk for Shep, and I can run home, taking the long way, with him, and we get some exercise.)
I am trying to decide if I can go on a "buy nothing" campaign for a year. There's a book on the subject that I am getting from the library (I had to place a hold) and I've been thinking it through. Could I go a year only buying perishable items or items that run out (food, gas, etc.)? How could I make my carbon footprint as small as possible? If Tessa needed something (she grew two and a half inches since April - my goodness!) could I commit to only buying consignment clothes in an effort to stop buying new goods? What would we do about Christmas?
I want to run the Vancouver Marathon '08, which takes place May 4.
And I think I'm almost ready to stop writing the blog, and to write my book. (I'll still post updates about Tessa with pictures on occassion, but enough of my ramblings already.)
I have a lot on my mind, and I'm determined to make positive changes in my life, and to keep up the positive changes I've already made. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I'm working on it. One foot in front of the other...
Tessa is at her new school right now, and she's loving it. Teacher Shelley is kind, the kids seem nice (and Tessa appears to be making new friends), I've enjoyed my short interactions with the other parents, and so far I think that the program is excellent. Tessa loves the fact that there are "pets" in the classroom, incluing a turtle named Myrtle and a tarantula. *shudder* Tessa came home and said, "Daddy, a tarantula is like a really big, hairy spider. You can't pick it up though because it bites." Well said, my dear, and I will stay away. I'm glad that Tessa doesn't have those types of fears, but you won't find me peering lovingly into the spider habitat.
But back to the new year.
I'm filled with the desire to live my life to the best of my abilities and not, as Thoreau said "when it came to die, discover that I had not really lived." I don't have a lot of fears in that regard but I still contemplate the idea regularly to keep myself sharp. Am I being who I want to be? In this minute, am I giving the world the best of myself, or am I taking the easy way and cutting corners and turning a blind eye to what I must do and in the process hiding my best self away?
Some things in the past year have made me extremely happy.
I've been on two teams, Team Kristina and Team Warrior Women, that have collectively raised over $120,000 for breast cancer. I have begun a public life speaking out against breast cancer, and I've done radio, newspaper, and speaking engagements for the cause. I ran the "I am the Cure" program. I did my first half marathon. I'm a good mother, and a decent wife. I've stayed true to my health plan, and I continue to buy and eat healthy food, going organic when possible, with lots of whole grains, lean proteins, fruits, and vegetables. I've kept (most) of my weight off, and I still wear a size 6 (not bad for a 5'7" girl). I read to my daughter, and play with her at the park. I camp with my family, roasting marshmallows (I don't need to be healthy 100% of the time!) under the stars in front of the campfire.
These things all make me happy, but there is so much more!
I'm thinking a lot about the environment these days, and I have a number of thoughts going through my mind on that topic. Last year I went on a "turn off the lights!" campaign for myself at our home, and I was delighted when we got a revised statement for our bill saying that our average bill has fallen by $9 per month. $9 does not alter my pocketbook significantly, and it doesn't save the planet, but it is a great beginning. There is so much more to do, though.
I'm shifting from grocery-store cleaning products (Windex, Clorox, Mr. Clean, Lysol, etc.) to simpler, more earth friendly products. I am finding that baking soda and vinegar are amazing cleaners, and I'm having good success with them. Hopefully the salmon will appreciate my efforts.
We sold our van last year, and the one-car thing is going very well for us. I'm trying to walk and take the bus more myself, as well. (Tessa and I are walking to preschool; today, she rode her bike. It's a great walk for Shep, and I can run home, taking the long way, with him, and we get some exercise.)
I am trying to decide if I can go on a "buy nothing" campaign for a year. There's a book on the subject that I am getting from the library (I had to place a hold) and I've been thinking it through. Could I go a year only buying perishable items or items that run out (food, gas, etc.)? How could I make my carbon footprint as small as possible? If Tessa needed something (she grew two and a half inches since April - my goodness!) could I commit to only buying consignment clothes in an effort to stop buying new goods? What would we do about Christmas?
I want to run the Vancouver Marathon '08, which takes place May 4.
And I think I'm almost ready to stop writing the blog, and to write my book. (I'll still post updates about Tessa with pictures on occassion, but enough of my ramblings already.)
I have a lot on my mind, and I'm determined to make positive changes in my life, and to keep up the positive changes I've already made. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I'm working on it. One foot in front of the other...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tessa's first day at a new school
Today Tessa begins the school year in the pre-K class at A Child Becomes... preschool. Here are pictures of our pretty girl to commemorate the occassion. Tessa has gone from being very nervous to saying "Can we go now? Is it time?" and I'm hopeful that today will be wonderful for her.
Is it all worth it?
I've met some incredible women on my cancer journey; I've had a chance to learn my own strength; I've had a chance to implement positive change in the world (3-Day, Race, etc.) through my breast cancer journey. My marriage was shaken beyond what I'd imagined possible, and survived; my friendships were tested and given gold stars. Still, the question is asked, is cancer worth it?
This question is often asked in the cancer community. When I was at the LiveSTRONG event in Portland in 2005, I met a testicular cancer survivor who saw my bandana over my bald head and said, "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is so much better now!" He's lucky he was able to walk away from me, his words made me so angry. "The best?" I practically spat at him, "My husband and daughter are gifts, the best thing that ever happened to me. Cancer is a disease!" The poor man was trying to reach out to me, and looked surprised, and looking back, I'm surprised at my own rudeness toward him, but I was in a bad place.
Well, today the question came up again on the YSC boards, and as usual, there are two sides: those who think that the disease has brought more joy (friendships, etc.) than pain; and those who feel differently. Here is my response.
----------------------------
It is NOT worth it, and that is why I fight so hard to find an end to the disease on both a personal and a public level.
I look at my daughter when she's sleeping, and I vow that I would do anything to stay on this planet, mothering her. Yes, I want to write my book; yes, I want to retire with my husband; yes, I want to revisit Tuscany; yes, I want to run a marathon....but I'd give it all up just to be here to be her mother, to love her, to hold her, to reassure her, to tell her how beautiful and strong and kind she is.
Cancer is trying to take that from me, and I'm resentful about it.
I don't believe that it's 100% a terrible experience, because with deep sorrow comes deep joy. Because of the depth of my sorrow, I've been granted an opportunity to do more meaningful things with my life, I've learned the quality of my friendships, and I've seen my marriage tested beyond belief only to survive. I've met incredible women, that's certain. And I've learned a new type of compassion and empathy; I relate to people in a different way that I believe is healthy and empowering and helps me to feel even more connected to humanity. I will take joy where I can find it, and there have been many joys along the way.
But I'd give them all up to stay here with Tessa. I would give up these new joys for the old ones. The old ones were so innocent; I didn't know I was missing anything, because I was so happy. Life wasn't bad at all before cancer. I wasn't on the wrong path, I didn't have shallow friendships.I don't feel particularly bitter about it all, I just feel filled with the desire to change things. I can accept where I've been as long as I feel that I can find meaning where there is none.It's meaningless that I got cancer. I'm creating meaning by fundraising, speaking, and changing my life to change the disease. That's ME, though, not cancer. Cancer is a devil, and there's nothing good about it. The joy that comes after cancer isn't because of cancer, it's because of an inherent beauty within ourselves, and in our desire for something more than cancer, that makes us create new, wonderful, positive meaning where there might only have been pain.
Cancer is not a gift. I've paid, and paid, and paid for my learning. The cost has been too high. I'll take my learning, since I paid for it, but the debt is overwhelming.
And yet? I think I see where others come from when they describe cancer as a gift in their lives. Lance Armstrong says it, and he's not a fool. I just feel differently.
This question is often asked in the cancer community. When I was at the LiveSTRONG event in Portland in 2005, I met a testicular cancer survivor who saw my bandana over my bald head and said, "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is so much better now!" He's lucky he was able to walk away from me, his words made me so angry. "The best?" I practically spat at him, "My husband and daughter are gifts, the best thing that ever happened to me. Cancer is a disease!" The poor man was trying to reach out to me, and looked surprised, and looking back, I'm surprised at my own rudeness toward him, but I was in a bad place.
Well, today the question came up again on the YSC boards, and as usual, there are two sides: those who think that the disease has brought more joy (friendships, etc.) than pain; and those who feel differently. Here is my response.
----------------------------
It is NOT worth it, and that is why I fight so hard to find an end to the disease on both a personal and a public level.
I look at my daughter when she's sleeping, and I vow that I would do anything to stay on this planet, mothering her. Yes, I want to write my book; yes, I want to retire with my husband; yes, I want to revisit Tuscany; yes, I want to run a marathon....but I'd give it all up just to be here to be her mother, to love her, to hold her, to reassure her, to tell her how beautiful and strong and kind she is.
Cancer is trying to take that from me, and I'm resentful about it.
I don't believe that it's 100% a terrible experience, because with deep sorrow comes deep joy. Because of the depth of my sorrow, I've been granted an opportunity to do more meaningful things with my life, I've learned the quality of my friendships, and I've seen my marriage tested beyond belief only to survive. I've met incredible women, that's certain. And I've learned a new type of compassion and empathy; I relate to people in a different way that I believe is healthy and empowering and helps me to feel even more connected to humanity. I will take joy where I can find it, and there have been many joys along the way.
But I'd give them all up to stay here with Tessa. I would give up these new joys for the old ones. The old ones were so innocent; I didn't know I was missing anything, because I was so happy. Life wasn't bad at all before cancer. I wasn't on the wrong path, I didn't have shallow friendships.I don't feel particularly bitter about it all, I just feel filled with the desire to change things. I can accept where I've been as long as I feel that I can find meaning where there is none.It's meaningless that I got cancer. I'm creating meaning by fundraising, speaking, and changing my life to change the disease. That's ME, though, not cancer. Cancer is a devil, and there's nothing good about it. The joy that comes after cancer isn't because of cancer, it's because of an inherent beauty within ourselves, and in our desire for something more than cancer, that makes us create new, wonderful, positive meaning where there might only have been pain.
Cancer is not a gift. I've paid, and paid, and paid for my learning. The cost has been too high. I'll take my learning, since I paid for it, but the debt is overwhelming.
And yet? I think I see where others come from when they describe cancer as a gift in their lives. Lance Armstrong says it, and he's not a fool. I just feel differently.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Surgery #8
Eight. I've always thought it my lucky number - let's hope it's true.
I've already gone under the knife seven times since my diagnosis:
- left mastectomy
- port placement
- left node dissection
- hysterectomy/oopharectomy
- right mastectomy/lat flap/expander
- left lat flap/expander and right implant
- left implant, removal of scar tissue, and corrections on right
This time I will do nipples (trust me, Barbie breasts aren't all that great), which means that they will also take skin from my eyelids. There will also be corrections on both sides: on my left side, the implant is encapsulated, which makes my breast very round, high, and odd looking, as well as very firm to the touch. Again, they'll cut scar tissue, making it easier to lift my left arm. On the right they'll also try to fill out the dip in the middle of my breast using Alloderm (don't look it up unless you want to know what that is - I have mixed feelings about it but I'm grateful to have it and owe someone my eternal gratitude).
I will not be able to bend down or making jarring movements for a week or it may cause bleeding in my eyes. Nice. I won't be able to run or work out at the gym for 3 weeks, though I'll be able to walk. Sometimes people's eyes swell shut for a couple of days. However, I'll only be in the hospital for the day, as it's outpatient surgery. Go figure.
I'm feeling a bit cynical about all of it. How much work do I have to do? Eight surgeries is a lot. More than a lot.
But this is what it takes for me to feel healed, and for me to feel whole. This is what it takes for Tessa to see healing. I will go ahead, even though healing is pretty ugly sometimes.
I've already gone under the knife seven times since my diagnosis:
- left mastectomy
- port placement
- left node dissection
- hysterectomy/oopharectomy
- right mastectomy/lat flap/expander
- left lat flap/expander and right implant
- left implant, removal of scar tissue, and corrections on right
This time I will do nipples (trust me, Barbie breasts aren't all that great), which means that they will also take skin from my eyelids. There will also be corrections on both sides: on my left side, the implant is encapsulated, which makes my breast very round, high, and odd looking, as well as very firm to the touch. Again, they'll cut scar tissue, making it easier to lift my left arm. On the right they'll also try to fill out the dip in the middle of my breast using Alloderm (don't look it up unless you want to know what that is - I have mixed feelings about it but I'm grateful to have it and owe someone my eternal gratitude).
I will not be able to bend down or making jarring movements for a week or it may cause bleeding in my eyes. Nice. I won't be able to run or work out at the gym for 3 weeks, though I'll be able to walk. Sometimes people's eyes swell shut for a couple of days. However, I'll only be in the hospital for the day, as it's outpatient surgery. Go figure.
I'm feeling a bit cynical about all of it. How much work do I have to do? Eight surgeries is a lot. More than a lot.
But this is what it takes for me to feel healed, and for me to feel whole. This is what it takes for Tessa to see healing. I will go ahead, even though healing is pretty ugly sometimes.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The 3-Day approaches
It's nearly here, and all of the fundraising, organizing and (lack of) training comes to a head now: Carolyn arrives this evening, and on Friday we begin our walk.
I am looking forward to the relaxation of it, strangely enough...I really need to take a breather, and the 3-Day sounds immensely relaxing to me. Walking in the sunshine (highs of 70, much cooler than last year), talking to friends, and taking time to just 'be' sounds pretty fantastic.
I'm at a strange place in my breast cancer journey. My hair is past my shoulders, I have two (weird, nipple-less) breasts, and I look relatively normal. I ache like never before and I'm facing the fact that one of my side-effects from Femara might be arthritis. I finish Herceptin on September 27, and then I hope to never enter a chemo ward again. I am not in the fighting mode I was in not that long ago, but I'm not done, either. I'm in a state of limbo, and trying to figure out where I fit in in all of that. The 3-Day will be a good place to think of these things, and to hopefully move forward.
Many, many, many thanks to the donors who have contributed to the 3-Day this year, supporting me and the cause in so many ways. I really couldn't do it without you. Walking is fun, but the donations will save lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am looking forward to the relaxation of it, strangely enough...I really need to take a breather, and the 3-Day sounds immensely relaxing to me. Walking in the sunshine (highs of 70, much cooler than last year), talking to friends, and taking time to just 'be' sounds pretty fantastic.
I'm at a strange place in my breast cancer journey. My hair is past my shoulders, I have two (weird, nipple-less) breasts, and I look relatively normal. I ache like never before and I'm facing the fact that one of my side-effects from Femara might be arthritis. I finish Herceptin on September 27, and then I hope to never enter a chemo ward again. I am not in the fighting mode I was in not that long ago, but I'm not done, either. I'm in a state of limbo, and trying to figure out where I fit in in all of that. The 3-Day will be a good place to think of these things, and to hopefully move forward.
Many, many, many thanks to the donors who have contributed to the 3-Day this year, supporting me and the cause in so many ways. I really couldn't do it without you. Walking is fun, but the donations will save lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Smiling in the rain
Last night I woke up to the sounds of thunder and a downpour. I lay in my warm, cozy bed, and smiled. Not a drop of water landed on me or my tent, because we escaped the rain by at least 12 hours.
I love the sound of the rain under most circumstances; when I am cozy indoors and the rain beats on the windows I feel a strong desire to drink mint tea, to curl up in a chair with a blanket and a good book. These days the good book might be "Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" and Tessa might be under the blanket with me, but I revel in that, too.
This morning, Tessa was up early in anticipation of her playdate at the zoo with her cousins Caleb & Joshua and Auntie Krystal. The rain was no deterrant in her eyes: as a matter of fact, it added to her delight, because she recently acquired a dog umbrella complete with pop up ears, and she was over the moon that she could use it today. We donned our waterproof boots, rain coats, and umbrellas, and set off for the zoo to be there when it opened. We had a fantastic time with the kiddos, and enjoyed watching them zoom about at Zoomazium (indoors). The rain let up, too, so we walked all over, with Tessa stomping in the puddles. The cousins were having so much fun interacting, and Krystal and I had fun, too, although we didn't get much time to discuss much other than "oh look there's the bear" and "which exhibit is next?" and "don't get your pants wet, kids!"
This afternoon Tessa and I are both tired, as it's been non-stop busy with camping, unpacking, and this, that and the other, and the zoo involved lots of walking and running. We're having a quiet afternoon (does laundry count as "quiet?" because I have about 6 loads to fold when I hit the "post" button) and then we're having dinner with Adrienne while Ryan gets a night to himself. Carolyn arrives tomorrow evening, and on Friday it's the 3-Day.
Today it struck me that it is exactly one year until Tessa starts kindergarten; this begins the countdown. The zoo was particularly sweet in that context. My little girl is still little, and I relish her smallness as much as I relish her growth. At the end of our zoo visit, she was tired, and I carried her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. These days are getting shorter, and I will try to remember to live them fully, and to carry them with me once they have passed.
So much more to say, but that will suffice for now.
I love the sound of the rain under most circumstances; when I am cozy indoors and the rain beats on the windows I feel a strong desire to drink mint tea, to curl up in a chair with a blanket and a good book. These days the good book might be "Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" and Tessa might be under the blanket with me, but I revel in that, too.
This morning, Tessa was up early in anticipation of her playdate at the zoo with her cousins Caleb & Joshua and Auntie Krystal. The rain was no deterrant in her eyes: as a matter of fact, it added to her delight, because she recently acquired a dog umbrella complete with pop up ears, and she was over the moon that she could use it today. We donned our waterproof boots, rain coats, and umbrellas, and set off for the zoo to be there when it opened. We had a fantastic time with the kiddos, and enjoyed watching them zoom about at Zoomazium (indoors). The rain let up, too, so we walked all over, with Tessa stomping in the puddles. The cousins were having so much fun interacting, and Krystal and I had fun, too, although we didn't get much time to discuss much other than "oh look there's the bear" and "which exhibit is next?" and "don't get your pants wet, kids!"
This afternoon Tessa and I are both tired, as it's been non-stop busy with camping, unpacking, and this, that and the other, and the zoo involved lots of walking and running. We're having a quiet afternoon (does laundry count as "quiet?" because I have about 6 loads to fold when I hit the "post" button) and then we're having dinner with Adrienne while Ryan gets a night to himself. Carolyn arrives tomorrow evening, and on Friday it's the 3-Day.
Today it struck me that it is exactly one year until Tessa starts kindergarten; this begins the countdown. The zoo was particularly sweet in that context. My little girl is still little, and I relish her smallness as much as I relish her growth. At the end of our zoo visit, she was tired, and I carried her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. These days are getting shorter, and I will try to remember to live them fully, and to carry them with me once they have passed.
So much more to say, but that will suffice for now.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Home from camping
We returned late this afternoon from our trip to Newhalem (North Cascades National Park) with the Hissongs. The whole thing was great, and I'm so glad that we went. The company was fabulous, the weather was great (sprinkles as we set up the tent, but then not a drop after that), the scenery beyond compare. We ate well, sat around the campfire telling stories and laughing, attended evening programs put on by the park rangers, and did a couple of little hikes. We saw various small wildlife (including Douglas squirrels, stellar jays, chipmunks, little brown bats, woodpeckers, and more; we saw bear skat but not the bear it came from) and countless wildflowers. The kids learned a bit about the life cycles of the forest; the adults smiled as the kids got dirtier and dirtier in the best ways possible, including making mud cakes, drawing with sticks in the dirt, roasting marshmallows, and skipping showers.
More later, as chores (much unpacking and the inevitable laundry that comes with this kind of trip) beckon, and my bed isn't far from that. An air mattress is a luxury while camping, but I will be glad to sleep in my own bed tonight.
So many thoughts about my own return to wilderness and the trip, but they will have to wait. Good night.
More later, as chores (much unpacking and the inevitable laundry that comes with this kind of trip) beckon, and my bed isn't far from that. An air mattress is a luxury while camping, but I will be glad to sleep in my own bed tonight.
So many thoughts about my own return to wilderness and the trip, but they will have to wait. Good night.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Just checking in
A quick check in...
We're getting ready to leave for a long weekend of camping in the North Cascades with the Hissongs. I love camping, but I confess that I'm less in love with getting ready to camp. We pack the car to the gills, and it's a lot of work....the clothes aren't hard, but all of the kitchen stuff, tents, sleeping bags, etc. is a pain, and it's all the little details (extra batteries, kitchen soap, paper towels, twine to make a clothesline, art supplies to keep Tessa occupied....this list is endless) that stress me out. Anyway, once the car is loaded, the groceries purchased, and we're on the road, I'll forget all of that and just enjoy it. I'm particularly looking forward to campfires in the evenings, nature walks, hot cups of coffee in the morning, wildflower identification.....love it.
I'm also gearing up for the 3-Day, as it's in a week. I'm not ready, but that's okay. I am starting to work out my speech (I've been asked to be a survivor-speaker) for Saturday night. This will become a priority over the next week....I need something to say, and I'm getting on that.
Yesterday I put out my back or my sciatic pain came back. **** it. I yelp when I move "wrong" because it really hurts. This is NOT ideal for camping or walking 60 miles, but I'll figure it out. There's always ibuprofen and Vicodan. I'm not gonna let a little pain run my life. I have important things to do, laughter to share, and I'm not backing down.
Until Tuesday! Love,
Kristina
We're getting ready to leave for a long weekend of camping in the North Cascades with the Hissongs. I love camping, but I confess that I'm less in love with getting ready to camp. We pack the car to the gills, and it's a lot of work....the clothes aren't hard, but all of the kitchen stuff, tents, sleeping bags, etc. is a pain, and it's all the little details (extra batteries, kitchen soap, paper towels, twine to make a clothesline, art supplies to keep Tessa occupied....this list is endless) that stress me out. Anyway, once the car is loaded, the groceries purchased, and we're on the road, I'll forget all of that and just enjoy it. I'm particularly looking forward to campfires in the evenings, nature walks, hot cups of coffee in the morning, wildflower identification.....love it.
I'm also gearing up for the 3-Day, as it's in a week. I'm not ready, but that's okay. I am starting to work out my speech (I've been asked to be a survivor-speaker) for Saturday night. This will become a priority over the next week....I need something to say, and I'm getting on that.
Yesterday I put out my back or my sciatic pain came back. **** it. I yelp when I move "wrong" because it really hurts. This is NOT ideal for camping or walking 60 miles, but I'll figure it out. There's always ibuprofen and Vicodan. I'm not gonna let a little pain run my life. I have important things to do, laughter to share, and I'm not backing down.
Until Tuesday! Love,
Kristina
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Busy weekend
A busy weekend. I'm tired, as I mentioned, and I don't know if it's the Femara, my thyroid, or my busy schedule. I'm tired of being tired.
Today was Michele & Dave's baby shower, which we hosted. It was a treat to honor them in this way, as I truly adore them, and am so grateful to have them in our lives.
Off to bed for me.
Today was Michele & Dave's baby shower, which we hosted. It was a treat to honor them in this way, as I truly adore them, and am so grateful to have them in our lives.
Off to bed for me.
Friday, August 24, 2007
3-Day cheering stations!
This year, as last, there are cheering stations along the 3-Day route. I read this year's list with excitement....because one is on Alki! I'm delighted to be walking through West Seattle...hurrah!
If you are interested in supporting me, or the 3-Day in general, or any of our Warrior Women team members, please show up at one of the designated sites to cheer. I hope to see you there!
-------------
Cheering StationsPlease discourage your family and friends from driving along the route, as it can create a safety hazard. The following Cheering Stations are safe, recommended places for your supporters to cheer you on along the route.
Day One - Friday, September 7Mile Marker 9.59:00 am - 12:30 pmStan Sayres Park 3808 Lake Washington Blvd SSeattle, WA 98118Map Mile Marker 19.712:00 pm - 5:30 pmFamily Fun Center 7300 Fun Center WayTukwila, WA 98188Map
Day Two - Saturday, September 8Mile Marker 8.38:30 am - 1:15 pmHighline Community College 2400 S. 240 St. Des Moines, WA 98198(Parking lot off of S 240th - click here for map )
Mile Marker 13.310:35 am - 4:00pmKey Bank 22033 Marine View Dr SDes Moines, WA 98198Map
Day Three - Sunday, September 9Mile Marker 4.77:40 am - 10:15 amAlki Beach 1702 Alki Ave SWSeattle, WA 98116 Map (Walkers will be traveling for several miles along this beach path. You'll be able to cheer on walkers from any spot along this stretch of beach.)
If you are interested in supporting me, or the 3-Day in general, or any of our Warrior Women team members, please show up at one of the designated sites to cheer. I hope to see you there!
-------------
Cheering StationsPlease discourage your family and friends from driving along the route, as it can create a safety hazard. The following Cheering Stations are safe, recommended places for your supporters to cheer you on along the route.
Day One - Friday, September 7Mile Marker 9.59:00 am - 12:30 pmStan Sayres Park 3808 Lake Washington Blvd SSeattle, WA 98118Map Mile Marker 19.712:00 pm - 5:30 pmFamily Fun Center 7300 Fun Center WayTukwila, WA 98188Map
Day Two - Saturday, September 8Mile Marker 8.38:30 am - 1:15 pmHighline Community College 2400 S. 240 St. Des Moines, WA 98198(Parking lot off of S 240th - click here for map )
Mile Marker 13.310:35 am - 4:00pmKey Bank 22033 Marine View Dr SDes Moines, WA 98198Map
Day Three - Sunday, September 9Mile Marker 4.77:40 am - 10:15 amAlki Beach 1702 Alki Ave SWSeattle, WA 98116 Map (Walkers will be traveling for several miles along this beach path. You'll be able to cheer on walkers from any spot along this stretch of beach.)
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Nesting
My dear friend Jenny moved last weekend, and I've been trying to help her with her new home. I find it strangely satisfying to empty a box, finding homes for all of its contents, and then step back and admire the organization of a drawer or cupboard or shelf. Yes, I'm aware that this may sound strange, but I'm not fighting it, I'm going with it.
I've been doing some nesting of my own, as well. Moving things here or there, getting rid of things, trying to catch up on chores. I'm dreaming of doing some painting again (the kitchenette, stairwell, trimwork). I am constantly reworking the office in my mind - it's usually a disaster and I'd like to fix that.
I'm also thinking of my emotional/physical/spiritual self. I'm trying to spend my time more wisely, to work out more, to be more patient, to keep my relationships in good shape. I'm looking at regularly attending the WSUU church we discovered last spring, at having a family date night each week (put the chores aside and play together!), and at quality time with Ryan.
I love fall, which always brings these thoughts to mind. The teacher and student in me finds fall to be the true beginning of the year, and these wet days remind me that it's approaching. Time for school shoes, digging out the sweaters, and nesting.
Love,
Kristina
I've been doing some nesting of my own, as well. Moving things here or there, getting rid of things, trying to catch up on chores. I'm dreaming of doing some painting again (the kitchenette, stairwell, trimwork). I am constantly reworking the office in my mind - it's usually a disaster and I'd like to fix that.
I'm also thinking of my emotional/physical/spiritual self. I'm trying to spend my time more wisely, to work out more, to be more patient, to keep my relationships in good shape. I'm looking at regularly attending the WSUU church we discovered last spring, at having a family date night each week (put the chores aside and play together!), and at quality time with Ryan.
I love fall, which always brings these thoughts to mind. The teacher and student in me finds fall to be the true beginning of the year, and these wet days remind me that it's approaching. Time for school shoes, digging out the sweaters, and nesting.
Love,
Kristina
Monday, August 20, 2007
Banning the exclamation mark
I use them too often! Not everything should read like "Surprise!" I'm banning them! Especially when used together!!!
Seriously, I've let my writing fall to pieces, and since I'm not currently immersed in cancer battles of the mind-numbing variety (mine are more tedious or irritating than mind-numbing these days), it's time to pretend that I have some craft left in me.
The exclamation mark must go. Along with it, all kinds of other nasty habits, including rambling sentences that get lost and end up in an elipsis... And overuse of dashes, and unintended word repetition, and such.
But the exclamation mark is first. Gone! (Kidding. I saw that there. I used it again!!)
Seriously, I've let my writing fall to pieces, and since I'm not currently immersed in cancer battles of the mind-numbing variety (mine are more tedious or irritating than mind-numbing these days), it's time to pretend that I have some craft left in me.
The exclamation mark must go. Along with it, all kinds of other nasty habits, including rambling sentences that get lost and end up in an elipsis... And overuse of dashes, and unintended word repetition, and such.
But the exclamation mark is first. Gone! (Kidding. I saw that there. I used it again!!)
It's raining, it's pouring...
...and Tessa is delighted!
We had a great weekend with family in Anacortes, and send our love and thanks to Mom & Dad for hosting us in the motorhome. Walks, playing on the beach, too much good food, and lots of laughter. Good times!
We also spent a little time in the outlet mall, since it's so enormous and close by to where we were. Ryan got a bunch of new clothes for his sleek self (I'm so proud of Ryan's weight loss - he's looking great and getting hotter every day!), and Tessa got some new items for her fall wardrobe. (Wouldn't it be nice to get an all new wardrobe every six months, like children do?! She's growing so much that her favorite hot pink shirt with a pony on it shows her belly button now...oops.) I got a couple of needed items, too, but I don't need nearly as much as those two - Tessa's growing up, Ryan's slimming down, and I am (contentedly) staying the same size.
Anyway, the reason that Tessa is so glad that it's pouring outside is that she got a new umbrella, one that looks like a dog, with ears that pop up. She's practically dancing this morning that she'll get to wear her puddle boots (which still fit from last year), raincoat, and, bliss of bliss, use her new umbrella.
The timing could be slightly better from my perspective, as today is the last day of soccer class and we won't miss it (it's rain or shine). It's also parent participation day, so you may picture me on the wet soccer field, running around in the mud, water streaming down my face. Ah, the joys. Actually, it IS a joy to play with Tessa and to have her so excited to play with me...but the weather that so delights her today is a bit less exciting to me. Oh well, time to join in the mood....I'll play soccer in my Gore-Tex light hiking boots, and maybe my feet will stay dry. Plus, I'm pretty sure that afterwards there should be a hot cocoa in it for somebody. :-)
Speaking of soccer, we watched "Bend it Like Beckham" with Tessa. Some of the language is questionable, but as it has a British slant (Tessa didn't even blink when they used the word "shag") we could get away with a bit more. Anyway, Tessa LOVED it. Girls playing soccer - hurrah!
We had a great weekend with family in Anacortes, and send our love and thanks to Mom & Dad for hosting us in the motorhome. Walks, playing on the beach, too much good food, and lots of laughter. Good times!
We also spent a little time in the outlet mall, since it's so enormous and close by to where we were. Ryan got a bunch of new clothes for his sleek self (I'm so proud of Ryan's weight loss - he's looking great and getting hotter every day!), and Tessa got some new items for her fall wardrobe. (Wouldn't it be nice to get an all new wardrobe every six months, like children do?! She's growing so much that her favorite hot pink shirt with a pony on it shows her belly button now...oops.) I got a couple of needed items, too, but I don't need nearly as much as those two - Tessa's growing up, Ryan's slimming down, and I am (contentedly) staying the same size.
Anyway, the reason that Tessa is so glad that it's pouring outside is that she got a new umbrella, one that looks like a dog, with ears that pop up. She's practically dancing this morning that she'll get to wear her puddle boots (which still fit from last year), raincoat, and, bliss of bliss, use her new umbrella.
The timing could be slightly better from my perspective, as today is the last day of soccer class and we won't miss it (it's rain or shine). It's also parent participation day, so you may picture me on the wet soccer field, running around in the mud, water streaming down my face. Ah, the joys. Actually, it IS a joy to play with Tessa and to have her so excited to play with me...but the weather that so delights her today is a bit less exciting to me. Oh well, time to join in the mood....I'll play soccer in my Gore-Tex light hiking boots, and maybe my feet will stay dry. Plus, I'm pretty sure that afterwards there should be a hot cocoa in it for somebody. :-)
Speaking of soccer, we watched "Bend it Like Beckham" with Tessa. Some of the language is questionable, but as it has a British slant (Tessa didn't even blink when they used the word "shag") we could get away with a bit more. Anyway, Tessa LOVED it. Girls playing soccer - hurrah!
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