Surgery #8

Eight. I've always thought it my lucky number - let's hope it's true.

I've already gone under the knife seven times since my diagnosis:
- left mastectomy
- port placement
- left node dissection
- hysterectomy/oopharectomy
- right mastectomy/lat flap/expander
- left lat flap/expander and right implant
- left implant, removal of scar tissue, and corrections on right

This time I will do nipples (trust me, Barbie breasts aren't all that great), which means that they will also take skin from my eyelids. There will also be corrections on both sides: on my left side, the implant is encapsulated, which makes my breast very round, high, and odd looking, as well as very firm to the touch. Again, they'll cut scar tissue, making it easier to lift my left arm. On the right they'll also try to fill out the dip in the middle of my breast using Alloderm (don't look it up unless you want to know what that is - I have mixed feelings about it but I'm grateful to have it and owe someone my eternal gratitude).

I will not be able to bend down or making jarring movements for a week or it may cause bleeding in my eyes. Nice. I won't be able to run or work out at the gym for 3 weeks, though I'll be able to walk. Sometimes people's eyes swell shut for a couple of days. However, I'll only be in the hospital for the day, as it's outpatient surgery. Go figure.

I'm feeling a bit cynical about all of it. How much work do I have to do? Eight surgeries is a lot. More than a lot.

But this is what it takes for me to feel healed, and for me to feel whole. This is what it takes for Tessa to see healing. I will go ahead, even though healing is pretty ugly sometimes.

Home from the 3Day

The 3-Day approaches

It's nearly here, and all of the fundraising, organizing and (lack of) training comes to a head now: Carolyn arrives this evening, and on Friday we begin our walk.

I am looking forward to the relaxation of it, strangely enough...I really need to take a breather, and the 3-Day sounds immensely relaxing to me. Walking in the sunshine (highs of 70, much cooler than last year), talking to friends, and taking time to just 'be' sounds pretty fantastic.

I'm at a strange place in my breast cancer journey. My hair is past my shoulders, I have two (weird, nipple-less) breasts, and I look relatively normal. I ache like never before and I'm facing the fact that one of my side-effects from Femara might be arthritis. I finish Herceptin on September 27, and then I hope to never enter a chemo ward again. I am not in the fighting mode I was in not that long ago, but I'm not done, either. I'm in a state of limbo, and trying to figure out where I fit in in all of that. The 3-Day will be a good place to think of these things, and to hopefully move forward.

Many, many, many thanks to the donors who have contributed to the 3-Day this year, supporting me and the cause in so many ways. I really couldn't do it without you. Walking is fun, but the donations will save lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Smiling in the rain

Last night I woke up to the sounds of thunder and a downpour. I lay in my warm, cozy bed, and smiled. Not a drop of water landed on me or my tent, because we escaped the rain by at least 12 hours.

I love the sound of the rain under most circumstances; when I am cozy indoors and the rain beats on the windows I feel a strong desire to drink mint tea, to curl up in a chair with a blanket and a good book. These days the good book might be "Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" and Tessa might be under the blanket with me, but I revel in that, too.

This morning, Tessa was up early in anticipation of her playdate at the zoo with her cousins Caleb & Joshua and Auntie Krystal. The rain was no deterrant in her eyes: as a matter of fact, it added to her delight, because she recently acquired a dog umbrella complete with pop up ears, and she was over the moon that she could use it today. We donned our waterproof boots, rain coats, and umbrellas, and set off for the zoo to be there when it opened. We had a fantastic time with the kiddos, and enjoyed watching them zoom about at Zoomazium (indoors). The rain let up, too, so we walked all over, with Tessa stomping in the puddles. The cousins were having so much fun interacting, and Krystal and I had fun, too, although we didn't get much time to discuss much other than "oh look there's the bear" and "which exhibit is next?" and "don't get your pants wet, kids!"

This afternoon Tessa and I are both tired, as it's been non-stop busy with camping, unpacking, and this, that and the other, and the zoo involved lots of walking and running. We're having a quiet afternoon (does laundry count as "quiet?" because I have about 6 loads to fold when I hit the "post" button) and then we're having dinner with Adrienne while Ryan gets a night to himself. Carolyn arrives tomorrow evening, and on Friday it's the 3-Day.

Today it struck me that it is exactly one year until Tessa starts kindergarten; this begins the countdown. The zoo was particularly sweet in that context. My little girl is still little, and I relish her smallness as much as I relish her growth. At the end of our zoo visit, she was tired, and I carried her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. These days are getting shorter, and I will try to remember to live them fully, and to carry them with me once they have passed.

So much more to say, but that will suffice for now.

Home from camping

We returned late this afternoon from our trip to Newhalem (North Cascades National Park) with the Hissongs. The whole thing was great, and I'm so glad that we went. The company was fabulous, the weather was great (sprinkles as we set up the tent, but then not a drop after that), the scenery beyond compare. We ate well, sat around the campfire telling stories and laughing, attended evening programs put on by the park rangers, and did a couple of little hikes. We saw various small wildlife (including Douglas squirrels, stellar jays, chipmunks, little brown bats, woodpeckers, and more; we saw bear skat but not the bear it came from) and countless wildflowers. The kids learned a bit about the life cycles of the forest; the adults smiled as the kids got dirtier and dirtier in the best ways possible, including making mud cakes, drawing with sticks in the dirt, roasting marshmallows, and skipping showers.

More later, as chores (much unpacking and the inevitable laundry that comes with this kind of trip) beckon, and my bed isn't far from that. An air mattress is a luxury while camping, but I will be glad to sleep in my own bed tonight.

So many thoughts about my own return to wilderness and the trip, but they will have to wait. Good night.

Just checking in

A quick check in...

We're getting ready to leave for a long weekend of camping in the North Cascades with the Hissongs. I love camping, but I confess that I'm less in love with getting ready to camp. We pack the car to the gills, and it's a lot of work....the clothes aren't hard, but all of the kitchen stuff, tents, sleeping bags, etc. is a pain, and it's all the little details (extra batteries, kitchen soap, paper towels, twine to make a clothesline, art supplies to keep Tessa occupied....this list is endless) that stress me out. Anyway, once the car is loaded, the groceries purchased, and we're on the road, I'll forget all of that and just enjoy it. I'm particularly looking forward to campfires in the evenings, nature walks, hot cups of coffee in the morning, wildflower identification.....love it.

I'm also gearing up for the 3-Day, as it's in a week. I'm not ready, but that's okay. I am starting to work out my speech (I've been asked to be a survivor-speaker) for Saturday night. This will become a priority over the next week....I need something to say, and I'm getting on that.

Yesterday I put out my back or my sciatic pain came back. **** it. I yelp when I move "wrong" because it really hurts. This is NOT ideal for camping or walking 60 miles, but I'll figure it out. There's always ibuprofen and Vicodan. I'm not gonna let a little pain run my life. I have important things to do, laughter to share, and I'm not backing down.

Until Tuesday! Love,
Kristina

Busy weekend

A busy weekend. I'm tired, as I mentioned, and I don't know if it's the Femara, my thyroid, or my busy schedule. I'm tired of being tired.

Today was Michele & Dave's baby shower, which we hosted. It was a treat to honor them in this way, as I truly adore them, and am so grateful to have them in our lives.

Off to bed for me.

So tired

I am so, so tired these days. What is up?

3-Day cheering stations!

This year, as last, there are cheering stations along the 3-Day route. I read this year's list with excitement....because one is on Alki! I'm delighted to be walking through West Seattle...hurrah!

If you are interested in supporting me, or the 3-Day in general, or any of our Warrior Women team members, please show up at one of the designated sites to cheer. I hope to see you there!
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Cheering StationsPlease discourage your family and friends from driving along the route, as it can create a safety hazard. The following Cheering Stations are safe, recommended places for your supporters to cheer you on along the route.

Day One - Friday, September 7Mile Marker 9.59:00 am - 12:30 pmStan Sayres Park 3808 Lake Washington Blvd SSeattle, WA 98118Map Mile Marker 19.712:00 pm - 5:30 pmFamily Fun Center 7300 Fun Center WayTukwila, WA 98188Map
Day Two - Saturday, September 8Mile Marker 8.38:30 am - 1:15 pmHighline Community College 2400 S. 240 St. Des Moines, WA 98198(Parking lot off of S 240th - click here for map )
Mile Marker 13.310:35 am - 4:00pmKey Bank 22033 Marine View Dr SDes Moines, WA 98198Map
Day Three - Sunday, September 9Mile Marker 4.77:40 am - 10:15 amAlki Beach 1702 Alki Ave SWSeattle, WA 98116 Map (Walkers will be traveling for several miles along this beach path. You'll be able to cheer on walkers from any spot along this stretch of beach.)

Nesting

My dear friend Jenny moved last weekend, and I've been trying to help her with her new home. I find it strangely satisfying to empty a box, finding homes for all of its contents, and then step back and admire the organization of a drawer or cupboard or shelf. Yes, I'm aware that this may sound strange, but I'm not fighting it, I'm going with it.

I've been doing some nesting of my own, as well. Moving things here or there, getting rid of things, trying to catch up on chores. I'm dreaming of doing some painting again (the kitchenette, stairwell, trimwork). I am constantly reworking the office in my mind - it's usually a disaster and I'd like to fix that.

I'm also thinking of my emotional/physical/spiritual self. I'm trying to spend my time more wisely, to work out more, to be more patient, to keep my relationships in good shape. I'm looking at regularly attending the WSUU church we discovered last spring, at having a family date night each week (put the chores aside and play together!), and at quality time with Ryan.

I love fall, which always brings these thoughts to mind. The teacher and student in me finds fall to be the true beginning of the year, and these wet days remind me that it's approaching. Time for school shoes, digging out the sweaters, and nesting.

Love,
Kristina

Banning the exclamation mark

I use them too often! Not everything should read like "Surprise!" I'm banning them! Especially when used together!!!

Seriously, I've let my writing fall to pieces, and since I'm not currently immersed in cancer battles of the mind-numbing variety (mine are more tedious or irritating than mind-numbing these days), it's time to pretend that I have some craft left in me.

The exclamation mark must go. Along with it, all kinds of other nasty habits, including rambling sentences that get lost and end up in an elipsis... And overuse of dashes, and unintended word repetition, and such.

But the exclamation mark is first. Gone! (Kidding. I saw that there. I used it again!!)

It's raining, it's pouring...

...and Tessa is delighted!

We had a great weekend with family in Anacortes, and send our love and thanks to Mom & Dad for hosting us in the motorhome. Walks, playing on the beach, too much good food, and lots of laughter. Good times!

We also spent a little time in the outlet mall, since it's so enormous and close by to where we were. Ryan got a bunch of new clothes for his sleek self (I'm so proud of Ryan's weight loss - he's looking great and getting hotter every day!), and Tessa got some new items for her fall wardrobe. (Wouldn't it be nice to get an all new wardrobe every six months, like children do?! She's growing so much that her favorite hot pink shirt with a pony on it shows her belly button now...oops.) I got a couple of needed items, too, but I don't need nearly as much as those two - Tessa's growing up, Ryan's slimming down, and I am (contentedly) staying the same size.

Anyway, the reason that Tessa is so glad that it's pouring outside is that she got a new umbrella, one that looks like a dog, with ears that pop up. She's practically dancing this morning that she'll get to wear her puddle boots (which still fit from last year), raincoat, and, bliss of bliss, use her new umbrella.

The timing could be slightly better from my perspective, as today is the last day of soccer class and we won't miss it (it's rain or shine). It's also parent participation day, so you may picture me on the wet soccer field, running around in the mud, water streaming down my face. Ah, the joys. Actually, it IS a joy to play with Tessa and to have her so excited to play with me...but the weather that so delights her today is a bit less exciting to me. Oh well, time to join in the mood....I'll play soccer in my Gore-Tex light hiking boots, and maybe my feet will stay dry. Plus, I'm pretty sure that afterwards there should be a hot cocoa in it for somebody. :-)

Speaking of soccer, we watched "Bend it Like Beckham" with Tessa. Some of the language is questionable, but as it has a British slant (Tessa didn't even blink when they used the word "shag") we could get away with a bit more. Anyway, Tessa LOVED it. Girls playing soccer - hurrah!

radio interview

I just finished another radio interview with Kate Daniels from WARM 106.9, discussing the breast cancer cause and the 3-Day. I'll know more later, but she is going to play the interview on multiple radio stations this weekend. Stay tuned!

Jam pictures

Three generation jam

Today, my wish came true. Well, one of MANY wishes!

Today, Tessa, Grandma Mary (Ryan's mom) and I made freezer jam together. This started by having a big breakfast....well, okay, that wasn't part of making jam but it fueled the jam-makers!

It started by going to 47th between Brandon & Findlay, where the best blackberries around are to be found. We showed up prepared, thanks to Dad's (Bopa's) advice: wear long sleeves, gloves, and bring pruners! Each of us carried one of Tessa's sand-buckets (thoroughly washed, of course), and we were off.

As we picked the berries - at their prime, luscious and sweet, filled with juice - I found myself smiling. Grandma helped Tessa for a while, and I was in my own little blackberry world. I started thinking about Grandpa Goddard (MY grandpa, Tessa's great-grandpa; it's a shame they never met because he would have adored his youngest great granddaughter) and how much he loathed blackberries - he was passionate about disliking them, as they invaded the property on Sechelt and choked out the things he WANTED to grow, and, as any person around here knows, blackberries are hard to get rid of. Anyway, I found myself reminiscing about Grandpa, enjoying Tessa and Mary's company.

And then, home to make the jam. We had to do this with Grandma Mary/Mom because, as Tessa puts it, she makes "the best jam in the entire world," and in our family she's quite known for her jam-making abilities. I can't recall making jam ever before this, so I wanted to learn from a master, and, better yet, have Tessa learn from a master.

Sugar, berries, jars, lids, lemon juice, pectin...we were ready to go.

Tessa and Grandma washed the berries, mashed them, stirred them, measured them, and got them ready. Grandma had to leave a bit before it was done (Happy Birthday, Juliann!) but left us with clear instructions as to how to finish.

And now we have seven fat, shiny, cheerful jars of jam sitting on the counter to set. They're almost as pretty as the berries themselves.

I am so grateful to have these small moments. Tessa was so proud of herself, and Grandma is such a good teacher. Smiles all around!

(Even Ryan smiled. I say "even" because he is sick, sick, sick with some monsterous headache that is making him nauseaus. Blechhhhhhhhh. I hope he is better soon!)

I'd love to get a letter

From the 3-Day website:
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Note to Supporters: Send a letter expressing your love and support to your walker, which we’ll deliver to them on the event at the 3-Day Camp Post Office. Envelopes only, please. No boxes or large packages. Mail must be postmarked no later than August 24 in order to ensure delivery at the 3-Day Camp Post Office. Any mail that is not retrieved by the walker by September 24 will be destroyed.Please send letters to:3-Day Camp Post Office1752 NW Market St. #531Seattle, WA 98107-5224

Last year several people sent letters, and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. I won't expect anything, but I'm very open to surprises! :-)

Also, you can send a letter to anyone on my team, of course. Everyone loves mail!

Let's get political

Whatever side of the political fence you're on, I have a request.

Take a look at this:
http://www.kintera.org/AutoGen/ecard/cardForm.asp?ievent=245271&msource=EML0809AA3
and sign the LiveSTRONG petition to make fighting cancer part of the national priority. Democrat or Republican or Independent, cancer impacts us all.

Don't do it for me, or even for Kristin, but do it for yourself. Do it for your children (whether you have them yet or not....and if you won't have children, then do it for Tessa, your nieces, your nephews, the kids at the neighborhood school....just do it!). Cancer is everywhere, and we all know that, and it's going to take some amazing research and funding to find the answers we need and bring about cures. Sign the petition, and let the world know that it's important to you. Let's end cancer NOW!

I'm sick of this disease. We must make change.

Not for a minute

I will continue to write on my blog about the minutae of my life; I will continue to rant, to tell Tessa stories, to wonder about my own condition. It is what I do. However, I want to say something, just for the record.

In the back of my mind is a constant prayer going up for Kristin. The pores of my body sing out a plea to the universe to make her well, to give her a long life. I plead for her the way I plead for myself....with every inch of my being. I long for her wellness the way I long for my own wellness. I fear for her, as I fear for myself, but more, because of what she faces.

So I will smile, and laugh, and play, and work, and be busy. But please know that I am not forgetting, and that my body hums with the work of pleading prayer.

Kristin's latest email includes these thoughts. I think that I will memorize them for my own use, and as a reminder of what REAL strength looks like:

"Just know that I won't let this beat me down or stand in my way. My babies are my babies and I will raise them. When I was first diagnosed I said to myself "Everyday I must believe with a magnitude so deep that my belief becomes a reality"- I can't stop believing now- I know I'll make it."

Her life is her own, not mine to broadcast the details, so I'll leave it at that. But Kristin, I believe your words. You WILL make it. And I'm praying, wishing, hoping, and breathing it.

more poetry

Caley brought up Mary Oliver's poetry, and I mistakenly thought I knew her work. I had to look it up on Google, and discovered that any familiarity I had once had with it had been almost completely lost, so I'm discovering it like it's for the first time. Beautiful! Thank you, Caley, for sharing.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - - -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Poetry

Caley and I were talking about poetry for a while - what a delightful change of pace! There is clearly not enough poetry in my life, but I drank up her words and references like water on a hot day.

I have been thinking about this poem all day, as Tessa and I picked blackberries together today and we're going to make blackberry jam (after picking more blackberries) this weekend.
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Blackberry Picking

Late August, given heavy rain and sun
For a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
Among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
Like thickened wine: summer's blood was in it
Leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
Picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
Sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
Where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
We trekked and picked until the cans were full
Until the tinkling bottom had been covered
With green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
Like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
With thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard's.
We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
A rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
The fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn't fair
That all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they'd keep, knew they would not.
-- Seamus Heaney