I was reading comments in a New York Times article about car-less societies, and one of the comments referred to the "stuff" that we accidentally accumulate.
This hits home. As much as I do not wish to accumulate in this way (savings? yes. just stuff? no.) today I emptied many bags out of our attic and filled the back of our Subaru in order to deliver it to Goodwill.
Where does all this stuff come from?! Some of it is from Tessa, and I'm pretty guilt-free about that....she grows out of things, and we pass them along, and that is good. It does seem, however, that I accidentally accumulate things. I am working hard at avoiding accidental accumulation, but it seems that my attic tells a tale that I have a ways to go. I think I've come a LONG way, I think that I'm doing better than ever before....but I'm not "there."
I'm working hard at buying only high quality things, so they won't need replacement. This is easier for me to do now than at any other time of my life, because though finances are tight, we have a household stocked with all of the essentials. When we were younger, we were still acquiring the niceties of life - if someone was coming to spend the night, we might have needed to buy pillows, or extra towels. To serve a meal we were sometimes lacking in the right platter, etc. But now? Now we have pillows and towels and sheets and platters galore, and what is lacking is minimal (despite what I believe when I enter a housewares shop).
Accidental accumlation indeed. Maybe that phrase will help me to be more intentional.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Okay this is ridiculous
In addition to feeling the effects of the drugs, or the drug transition, I have some kind of a cold taking over my sinuses.
And my face is breaking out. That goes along with the theory that my body is going through some kind of estrogen freak out.
What is next?!
And my face is breaking out. That goes along with the theory that my body is going through some kind of estrogen freak out.
What is next?!
Tomatoes - phew
I just spent a couple of minutes verifying when I planted the tomatoes last year. My answer, according to the blog: May 11.
Phew.
I was reading in a number of places that I might want to wait until June. Well, perhaps that is true, but I didn't wait, and now they're in the ground. The good news? Last year we got an amazing tomato crop, and I'm told that last year was a bad year for tomatoes. It was a GREAT year for tomatoes for us, so if this is a mistake then I plan to keep making it.
It made me very happy this morning to pull aside my bedroom curtains to peer out at the newly planted garden. My back aches, my shoulders are tense, and I'm tired....but this was definitely worth it.
Phew.
I was reading in a number of places that I might want to wait until June. Well, perhaps that is true, but I didn't wait, and now they're in the ground. The good news? Last year we got an amazing tomato crop, and I'm told that last year was a bad year for tomatoes. It was a GREAT year for tomatoes for us, so if this is a mistake then I plan to keep making it.
It made me very happy this morning to pull aside my bedroom curtains to peer out at the newly planted garden. My back aches, my shoulders are tense, and I'm tired....but this was definitely worth it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Improving?
I've been complaining on this blog for a while, but today I'm noting an improvement. Case in point - it's 9:23 and I'm still dressed and wrapping up my day, instead of in PJs and in bed. I really, really hope that the worst of my drug transition is over. Nobody told me to anticipate such an awful shift when going off Aromasin, but I felt like I was hit by a truck. My theory is that, with the first estrogen entering my body in 3+ years, I was having PMS meets menopause and the result was pretty ugly. I'm hoping that my body will regulate a little bit before I start tamoxifen in June, because the combo fatigue and crummy-feeling was just overwhelming. The continued side effects from my treatment bring me down because not only do they make me feel terrible, but I keep thinking "but it's not supposed to be like this!" When I was on chemo, I expected to feel terrible. So many years out from "heavy" treatment, I thought it would be so much easier. It is awfully hard to move on when my body is reeling like it was happening yesterday. I have to say, this week I felt as bad as I did when I was on chemo - I was that tired and achy and just sort of out of it. I am greatly relieved to have an improvement, and hopeful that it will get better from here, or I'm not sure what I'll do.
Maybe if I felt better it would be easier to exercise and take care of my diet. Weight Watchers is a disaster right now, and the scale has become my mortal enemy. Getting dressed in the morning is a challenge because nothing fits. I wish that was an exaggeration; it is not.
In totally other notes...
I had a great Mother's Day. Ryan went out of his way to give me a nice day, including coffee in bed, making dinner, and (best of all) doing a ton of yard work to get the garden going. I was really grateful for his extra efforts to make my day special. Tessa made me cards, gave me lots of smooches, and told me that I was the best Mama ever. THAT certainly made my day!
Thanks also to Kathleen for a lovely brunch this morning -yummmmmy baked egg dish.
The garden - ahhhh it is so satisfying! The tomatoes are planted, and I got 8 different varieties, including my favorite Brandywines, and several varieties of cherry tomato. It's kind of funny, but I have to admit to wishing I could fit way more in the garden; even though we doubled or tripled the garden this year, it fills up so quickly. Of course, my back and muscles aren't up for much more than we've got going, and it will be a challenge just to keep it watered and weeded....but I'm addicted to growing food.
What we had previously planted:
strawberries
raspberries
blueberries
rhubarb
fava beans
sugar snap peas
garlic
rainbow chard
onions
spinach
mixed lettuces
potatoes
herbs (rosemary, sage, parsley, thyme, oregano, mint, chives, tarragon)
carrots
What we planted today:
8 varieties of tomato: Brandywine, Sweet 100s, Yellow Pear, Green Zebra, Sungold, something-French-that-I-can't-remember....and two that I can't remember at all
basil
more carrots
more lettuce
Flowers planted today:
Granny's mix zinnias
Alaska mix nasturciums
borage
Still to plant:
bush beans
squash (summer and winter)
radishes
The roses are doing well, the hanging pots are doing well (I'm too cheap to buy the pre-planted one so I bought flower starts and filled old pots....they're filling in nicely), and the lupine planted a few weeks ago is triple the size. I'd like to get a few more lupine plants, maybe another rose bush, and a couple more blueberries in addition to huckleberries and salmon berries for a shady corner near the neighbors' yard. I still need to build a path, and I still need to get some sunflowers to plant.
But no matter what I wish was done, I can say with conviction that the garden has a great start. I dream about gardens in future years (another lilac maybe? oh and a hydrangea. and definitely some apple trees in the parking strip....) but the garden for THIS year is going to have a lovely crop, and I will enjoy it even as I dream about future gardens.
I think that one of the things that I love about gardening, in addition to the thrill of eating what I have grown, is that I feel so deeply rooted to the land. I know that I'm doing what humans are made to do, and it feels as fundamental as simply breathing. In WWII they were called victory gardens, and though fortunately mine is not a victory against some foreign enemy, it does feel like a victory to re-learn how to do something so basic as grow my own food. Am I self sufficient? Not even close. But I'm closer than I once was.
Maybe if I felt better it would be easier to exercise and take care of my diet. Weight Watchers is a disaster right now, and the scale has become my mortal enemy. Getting dressed in the morning is a challenge because nothing fits. I wish that was an exaggeration; it is not.
In totally other notes...
I had a great Mother's Day. Ryan went out of his way to give me a nice day, including coffee in bed, making dinner, and (best of all) doing a ton of yard work to get the garden going. I was really grateful for his extra efforts to make my day special. Tessa made me cards, gave me lots of smooches, and told me that I was the best Mama ever. THAT certainly made my day!
Thanks also to Kathleen for a lovely brunch this morning -yummmmmy baked egg dish.
The garden - ahhhh it is so satisfying! The tomatoes are planted, and I got 8 different varieties, including my favorite Brandywines, and several varieties of cherry tomato. It's kind of funny, but I have to admit to wishing I could fit way more in the garden; even though we doubled or tripled the garden this year, it fills up so quickly. Of course, my back and muscles aren't up for much more than we've got going, and it will be a challenge just to keep it watered and weeded....but I'm addicted to growing food.
What we had previously planted:
strawberries
raspberries
blueberries
rhubarb
fava beans
sugar snap peas
garlic
rainbow chard
onions
spinach
mixed lettuces
potatoes
herbs (rosemary, sage, parsley, thyme, oregano, mint, chives, tarragon)
carrots
What we planted today:
8 varieties of tomato: Brandywine, Sweet 100s, Yellow Pear, Green Zebra, Sungold, something-French-that-I-can't-remember....and two that I can't remember at all
basil
more carrots
more lettuce
Flowers planted today:
Granny's mix zinnias
Alaska mix nasturciums
borage
Still to plant:
bush beans
squash (summer and winter)
radishes
The roses are doing well, the hanging pots are doing well (I'm too cheap to buy the pre-planted one so I bought flower starts and filled old pots....they're filling in nicely), and the lupine planted a few weeks ago is triple the size. I'd like to get a few more lupine plants, maybe another rose bush, and a couple more blueberries in addition to huckleberries and salmon berries for a shady corner near the neighbors' yard. I still need to build a path, and I still need to get some sunflowers to plant.
But no matter what I wish was done, I can say with conviction that the garden has a great start. I dream about gardens in future years (another lilac maybe? oh and a hydrangea. and definitely some apple trees in the parking strip....) but the garden for THIS year is going to have a lovely crop, and I will enjoy it even as I dream about future gardens.
I think that one of the things that I love about gardening, in addition to the thrill of eating what I have grown, is that I feel so deeply rooted to the land. I know that I'm doing what humans are made to do, and it feels as fundamental as simply breathing. In WWII they were called victory gardens, and though fortunately mine is not a victory against some foreign enemy, it does feel like a victory to re-learn how to do something so basic as grow my own food. Am I self sufficient? Not even close. But I'm closer than I once was.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Improvements
Yesterday I actually got some stuff done around the house and ran a couple of errands. We went to Paul & Libby's for Ramona's 70th birthday, and I stayed awake. (At 8pm I was exausted, but there was still the ride home....but I made it.)
This morning is the West Seattle Community Yard Sale and I hope to find a table to use as a potting bench, and maybe some tea party stuff. (Ryan's hoping that I find bike stuff.) And then I'm delivering soup to Habitat for Humanity for lunch, and then the rest of the day is quiet and I hope to get the rest of the garden prepped for planting tomatoes etc. tomorrow.
I've decided that part of the way that I feel is PMS meets Menopause. The little bit of estrogen produced by my adrenal glands (well, they produce aromatase, which is converted to estrogen in the body) feels like a tidal wave and my whole body is "off". I am really hoping that things regulate soon and I start to see improvements in my overall health instead of the backsliding I've been feeling.
My hands and feet still ache, but the sharpness has dissipated a bit - so that is an improvement!
This is my life, and I want to make the best of it. It was a rough week....I'm hoping it gets easier soon.
This morning is the West Seattle Community Yard Sale and I hope to find a table to use as a potting bench, and maybe some tea party stuff. (Ryan's hoping that I find bike stuff.) And then I'm delivering soup to Habitat for Humanity for lunch, and then the rest of the day is quiet and I hope to get the rest of the garden prepped for planting tomatoes etc. tomorrow.
I've decided that part of the way that I feel is PMS meets Menopause. The little bit of estrogen produced by my adrenal glands (well, they produce aromatase, which is converted to estrogen in the body) feels like a tidal wave and my whole body is "off". I am really hoping that things regulate soon and I start to see improvements in my overall health instead of the backsliding I've been feeling.
My hands and feet still ache, but the sharpness has dissipated a bit - so that is an improvement!
This is my life, and I want to make the best of it. It was a rough week....I'm hoping it gets easier soon.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Sleep - with help
I had my annual exam at my general practicioner's this week. We talked about my sleep issues, and how I wake up all the time. She expressed concern about my lack of REM sleep, and all I could do was agree....I know about that, but what is a girl to do?
We decided that I would start taking Ambien CR. I can't tell you how much I hate messing up my body with drugs, but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks.
So, last night I had my first full night of sleep in.....years? I woke up once at 5am but I was able to get back to sleep. I have that post-drug-haze this morning, but the longer I'm up the more it lifts. I deeply, deeply wish that I will have more energy today because of last night's sleep.
Also, I spent some time on breastcancer.org last night, and found a whole lot of women with symptoms like mine. On the YSC boards most women are pre-menopausal and so don't take AIs, but on the breastcancer.org boards the women are older (on average) and I got some good information. I also found one other woman who went off AIs and is having worsened side effects, and that is comforting.
So today I'm muddling through. I am convinced that it will get better, because I am taking steps to make it better. I will pursue every avenue possible, because this is my life and I'm going to have the best life that is possible.
I watched Oprah yesterday (hey that's what people do when they don't feel well, right?) and Elizabeth Edwards was the guest. I was mad that it was mostly about the affair, because I was less interested in that and more in her reactions toward cancer (she has stage IV breast cancer). She said something to the effect of "People think that their life will be a smooth road, they don't expect big bumps in the road. Well, I think that the big bumps are inevitable, and it is my job to make the best life I can, taking those bumps into consideration. This is not the road I chose, but I can choose what to do with my life despite these bumps in the road."
(I'm paraphrasing, and probably poorly. Apologies to Ms. Edwards.)
So, I am reminded yet again that this is what I must do. I've had some crying lately, and confusion, and fear, but I can craft the life I want. And I want a beautiful life. I am determined to go out and get it....despite the bumps.
We decided that I would start taking Ambien CR. I can't tell you how much I hate messing up my body with drugs, but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks.
So, last night I had my first full night of sleep in.....years? I woke up once at 5am but I was able to get back to sleep. I have that post-drug-haze this morning, but the longer I'm up the more it lifts. I deeply, deeply wish that I will have more energy today because of last night's sleep.
Also, I spent some time on breastcancer.org last night, and found a whole lot of women with symptoms like mine. On the YSC boards most women are pre-menopausal and so don't take AIs, but on the breastcancer.org boards the women are older (on average) and I got some good information. I also found one other woman who went off AIs and is having worsened side effects, and that is comforting.
So today I'm muddling through. I am convinced that it will get better, because I am taking steps to make it better. I will pursue every avenue possible, because this is my life and I'm going to have the best life that is possible.
I watched Oprah yesterday (hey that's what people do when they don't feel well, right?) and Elizabeth Edwards was the guest. I was mad that it was mostly about the affair, because I was less interested in that and more in her reactions toward cancer (she has stage IV breast cancer). She said something to the effect of "People think that their life will be a smooth road, they don't expect big bumps in the road. Well, I think that the big bumps are inevitable, and it is my job to make the best life I can, taking those bumps into consideration. This is not the road I chose, but I can choose what to do with my life despite these bumps in the road."
(I'm paraphrasing, and probably poorly. Apologies to Ms. Edwards.)
So, I am reminded yet again that this is what I must do. I've had some crying lately, and confusion, and fear, but I can craft the life I want. And I want a beautiful life. I am determined to go out and get it....despite the bumps.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Misery loves company
I went to breastcancer.org and found someone who just went off AIs and feels worse, too. I feel bad for her, bad for me....and not so alone.
Prayers for Hannah
Remember the sweet 10 year old girl (she just turned 11!) that I told you about? She's in surgery RIGHT NOW for her mastectomy. I happened to click on her blog and read the update that she'd be in surgery at 2pm today, a bit earlier than planned so that she'd be out for Mother's Day.
Prayers for Hannah are flying from me. Prayers for all of the little girls who one day face breast cancer....and particular prayers for this youngest of young patients to have to undergo this.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/?p=142&cpage=1#comment-971
PS No, I've never met Hannah. I've never had any contact with her except through her website, and one message from her Uncle Jordan in response to my post about her. But how can I not be touched deeply? She could be my daughter. She could be your daughter. And I know all too well about breast cancer and its effects....so I care.
Prayers for Hannah are flying from me. Prayers for all of the little girls who one day face breast cancer....and particular prayers for this youngest of young patients to have to undergo this.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/?p=142&cpage=1#comment-971
PS No, I've never met Hannah. I've never had any contact with her except through her website, and one message from her Uncle Jordan in response to my post about her. But how can I not be touched deeply? She could be my daughter. She could be your daughter. And I know all too well about breast cancer and its effects....so I care.
Something...
...is wrong with me.
I have not felt this fatigued since I did chemo, and I don't know why. It feels worse day by day! I spent the morning at Tessa's school (my Thursday morning routine) and now I feel like napping. Except that I haven't worked this week, the house is a mess, I need to do errands....
And all that makes me want to cry because I just don't know how I'm going to do it. This is SO unlike me, I can't even tell you. It makes me so sad. Where is my energy?
I still have my workout clothes on, but I haven't worked out yet.
I have got to figure this out.
I am bailing on a fun girls' night out tonight because how on earth would I enjoy myself at 8pm and beyond?
This is ridiculous. Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I am irritable. REALLY irritable. Please let me apologise in advance. I am so miserable right now that it's leaking out everywhere, and if you're in my path it might leak on you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that I love you, I've just got issues.
Today I feel irritable, my house is a mess;
I spilled all my coffee, and I don't fit my best dress.
My energy's sapped, my hormones awry
And when I look up there are clouds in the sky.
Today I am irritable, hope tomorrow is better.
Some change! Anything! Even the weather.
(sigh.)
I have not felt this fatigued since I did chemo, and I don't know why. It feels worse day by day! I spent the morning at Tessa's school (my Thursday morning routine) and now I feel like napping. Except that I haven't worked this week, the house is a mess, I need to do errands....
And all that makes me want to cry because I just don't know how I'm going to do it. This is SO unlike me, I can't even tell you. It makes me so sad. Where is my energy?
I still have my workout clothes on, but I haven't worked out yet.
I have got to figure this out.
I am bailing on a fun girls' night out tonight because how on earth would I enjoy myself at 8pm and beyond?
This is ridiculous. Aggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I am irritable. REALLY irritable. Please let me apologise in advance. I am so miserable right now that it's leaking out everywhere, and if you're in my path it might leak on you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that I love you, I've just got issues.
Today I feel irritable, my house is a mess;
I spilled all my coffee, and I don't fit my best dress.
My energy's sapped, my hormones awry
And when I look up there are clouds in the sky.
Today I am irritable, hope tomorrow is better.
Some change! Anything! Even the weather.
(sigh.)
Exercise
I'm signed up to run a half marathon at the end of next month.
I'm more out of shape than I have been in 4 years. And at my highest weight in 4 years. (Ugh.)
The doc said, "Get exercising." There are a million reasons to do it.
Today I've got my running clothes on. Fingers crossed that this gives me energy rather than taking away more energy....
I'm more out of shape than I have been in 4 years. And at my highest weight in 4 years. (Ugh.)
The doc said, "Get exercising." There are a million reasons to do it.
Today I've got my running clothes on. Fingers crossed that this gives me energy rather than taking away more energy....
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
State of being
It is kind of scary to feel this low-energy fatigue.
I used to be energetic, right? I used to do all kinds of things! Did I use up all of my energy already?
I'm in bed. And I'm so tired.
I went for my annual physical today. I'm going to wait to see if going off Aromasin helps, and if I don't feel a bit better in a month then they're going to send me for a sleep study. I am awake often through the night and I feel like I don't get any REM sleep and of course that could be causing problems. If it's joint pain from the Aromasin and hot flashes that are keeping me up, then maybe it will get better on its own. I also have a sinus polyp, so do I have problems like apnea going on, too?
I'm also going to try a "sleep aid" - Ambien CR - again. Since I don't have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, the controlled release might help.
I am going to figure this out. It is impacting my every minute these days and I'm so tired of that. (Bad pun.) Enough already.
I used to be energetic, right? I used to do all kinds of things! Did I use up all of my energy already?
I'm in bed. And I'm so tired.
I went for my annual physical today. I'm going to wait to see if going off Aromasin helps, and if I don't feel a bit better in a month then they're going to send me for a sleep study. I am awake often through the night and I feel like I don't get any REM sleep and of course that could be causing problems. If it's joint pain from the Aromasin and hot flashes that are keeping me up, then maybe it will get better on its own. I also have a sinus polyp, so do I have problems like apnea going on, too?
I'm also going to try a "sleep aid" - Ambien CR - again. Since I don't have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, the controlled release might help.
I am going to figure this out. It is impacting my every minute these days and I'm so tired of that. (Bad pun.) Enough already.
Bit better
Well, I skipped dinner last night (and those who know me know that I NEVER skip dinner!) and tossed and turned last night in bed, but I'm feeling a bit better today. Slogging through!
I have my annual physical today, so I happen to be going to the doc today anyway.
I'm sure that this is nothing, but for "nothing" it's highly inconvenient. Enough already!
I have my annual physical today, so I happen to be going to the doc today anyway.
I'm sure that this is nothing, but for "nothing" it's highly inconvenient. Enough already!
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Simplicity Circles and Life
Last night was our second simplicity circle, kindly led by Rev. Peg. Ryan and I have elected to hold it at our house so that we can both attend without worrying about a babysitter. (This is a mixed blessing. Tessa was full of energy yesterday, and I didn't do a good job of balancing my mom duties with my simplicity zen. Hmm. I'll do better next time.)
I was fascinated by the fact that I was the only one in the group who viewed simplicity as about time; the others in the group were widely focused on de-cluttering. This does make sense to me - if you can't locate your stuff, it's actually a time issue. For me, though I struggle with some clutter (who doesn't in America?!) I generally feel like I have it under enough control that I just want to focus on time right now. How is it that I feel pulled in so many directions?
Every minute of every day feels full. When I am as fatigued as I am, that is particularly difficult. I need downtime, and I realize that I don't give myself much of it. As I add "working mom" - even part time, even from home - to my list of life, I am realizing this more than ever. When I took on the project, I didn't let anything else go. Well, where did I think my time would come from?
I am learning how to say "no" to many volunteer opportunities, even though it pains me. I'm still doing volunteer work at Alki and Family Promise, but not as much as I had been doing. My house is clean, but not as clean as before. I'm still doing home cooked meals, but yesterday I bought a rotisserie chicken from PCC as the meal's centerpiece. I'm still gardening, but it always goes more slowly than I hoped.
Little adjustments here and there. I will find my balance. But simplicity isn't simple, it's complicated.
Are you living simply? Are you embracing your innermost ideal self and letting go of the clutter of your life, whether that's stuff or time? How are you paying attention to what is real and best and important, and letting go of the minutea that gets in the way? I am really interested in this dialogue - please share your thoughts in a comment or an email. I'd love to know what you're up to.
"Live simply that others may simply live." - Ghandi
I'm pretty convinced that I am on to something here....but I have a long ways to go.
I was fascinated by the fact that I was the only one in the group who viewed simplicity as about time; the others in the group were widely focused on de-cluttering. This does make sense to me - if you can't locate your stuff, it's actually a time issue. For me, though I struggle with some clutter (who doesn't in America?!) I generally feel like I have it under enough control that I just want to focus on time right now. How is it that I feel pulled in so many directions?
Every minute of every day feels full. When I am as fatigued as I am, that is particularly difficult. I need downtime, and I realize that I don't give myself much of it. As I add "working mom" - even part time, even from home - to my list of life, I am realizing this more than ever. When I took on the project, I didn't let anything else go. Well, where did I think my time would come from?
I am learning how to say "no" to many volunteer opportunities, even though it pains me. I'm still doing volunteer work at Alki and Family Promise, but not as much as I had been doing. My house is clean, but not as clean as before. I'm still doing home cooked meals, but yesterday I bought a rotisserie chicken from PCC as the meal's centerpiece. I'm still gardening, but it always goes more slowly than I hoped.
Little adjustments here and there. I will find my balance. But simplicity isn't simple, it's complicated.
Are you living simply? Are you embracing your innermost ideal self and letting go of the clutter of your life, whether that's stuff or time? How are you paying attention to what is real and best and important, and letting go of the minutea that gets in the way? I am really interested in this dialogue - please share your thoughts in a comment or an email. I'd love to know what you're up to.
"Live simply that others may simply live." - Ghandi
I'm pretty convinced that I am on to something here....but I have a long ways to go.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Waiting for her to show up
I've been off Aromasin for a few days now.
My new self has not shown up. It is 8:04 and I'm going to crawl into bed now, while Ryan and Tessa are reading together. (She's reading HIM a story! I LOVE IT! She still insists that we read to her, which I also love.)
Anyway. I'm tired of feeling like this. I am not to expect a change for a month, but man this stinks.
It does not help that I was awake about a zillion times last night. Grrrr.
I'm waiting for great changes...
My new self has not shown up. It is 8:04 and I'm going to crawl into bed now, while Ryan and Tessa are reading together. (She's reading HIM a story! I LOVE IT! She still insists that we read to her, which I also love.)
Anyway. I'm tired of feeling like this. I am not to expect a change for a month, but man this stinks.
It does not help that I was awake about a zillion times last night. Grrrr.
I'm waiting for great changes...
West Seattle Days
This morning, after coffee and snuggles in bed (I love it when Tessa comes bounding in on the weekends, filled with smiles and snuggles!), Tessa and I took off for the Junction, on foot with Shep and an empty basket, and Ryan set to working on a friend's bike.
Tessa and I spent a few hours at the Sustainable West Seattle Fair, and we even got our picture taken with the mayor, (I am hoping that exposure to politicians will help her to feel connected to the political process; she's had her picture taken with Mayor Nickels and Gov. Gregoire now.) which you can view on the West Seattle Blog at www.westseattleblog.com. Tessa got her "Undriver" license, whereby she promised to encourage her mom to carpool, skip the ride, bike, bus, or walk. We got free "green" lightbulbs, some magazine previews (for "Yes" and "Edible Seattle"), and literature about saving Puget Sound, visiting Camp Long, and the rest. Tessa got an on-the-spot crochet lesson with Elena (love running into friends!), and got her face painted by CoolMoms for a Hot Planet.
And then we headed to Skillet for lunch, and for meeting with Michele & Dave (Everett also in attendance, but Elliott was with his Grandma and Grandpa). We picnicked in the grass, Tessa picked weed-flowers from an abandoned lot, and we enjoyed the sun. And we also went to the Farmer's Market - smoked salmon, Cirrus cheese, asparagus, greens, the last frozen raspberries....
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And now I've set the timer to take a half hour break, before I get in a couple hours of work on the book in preparation for tomorrow's meeting with my boss, Fred. I'll rest, then I'll dive back in to work on a sticky transition paragraph that's bugging me. Tessa and Ryan are off to a birthday party for a classmate....and Tessa is crocheting in the car.
What a lovely day.
Tessa and I spent a few hours at the Sustainable West Seattle Fair, and we even got our picture taken with the mayor, (I am hoping that exposure to politicians will help her to feel connected to the political process; she's had her picture taken with Mayor Nickels and Gov. Gregoire now.) which you can view on the West Seattle Blog at www.westseattleblog.com. Tessa got her "Undriver" license, whereby she promised to encourage her mom to carpool, skip the ride, bike, bus, or walk. We got free "green" lightbulbs, some magazine previews (for "Yes" and "Edible Seattle"), and literature about saving Puget Sound, visiting Camp Long, and the rest. Tessa got an on-the-spot crochet lesson with Elena (love running into friends!), and got her face painted by CoolMoms for a Hot Planet.
And then we headed to Skillet for lunch, and for meeting with Michele & Dave (Everett also in attendance, but Elliott was with his Grandma and Grandpa). We picnicked in the grass, Tessa picked weed-flowers from an abandoned lot, and we enjoyed the sun. And we also went to the Farmer's Market - smoked salmon, Cirrus cheese, asparagus, greens, the last frozen raspberries....
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And now I've set the timer to take a half hour break, before I get in a couple hours of work on the book in preparation for tomorrow's meeting with my boss, Fred. I'll rest, then I'll dive back in to work on a sticky transition paragraph that's bugging me. Tessa and Ryan are off to a birthday party for a classmate....and Tessa is crocheting in the car.
What a lovely day.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Insurance battle
I'm due for my annual breast MRI.
I can't have mammograms, because a) the skin tissue is so thin that I literally imagine that it would burst under the pressure, and b) I have lymphaedema.
I would think that those reasons would be suffiencient, but no. Aetna says that I can't have an MRI without a mammogram.
No way am I getting a mammogram. It sounds dangerous to me, given my "unique" medical history, and I can't believe they'd suggest it. Plus, I fall into every risk category (greater than 25% of lifetime recurrence, implants, radiation to the chest...) so why on earth would they fight this?
I'm counting on Dr. Rinn to make my case but MAN this hacks me off. I have enough to do without fighting this!
Okay, back to writing. Harumph.
I can't have mammograms, because a) the skin tissue is so thin that I literally imagine that it would burst under the pressure, and b) I have lymphaedema.
I would think that those reasons would be suffiencient, but no. Aetna says that I can't have an MRI without a mammogram.
No way am I getting a mammogram. It sounds dangerous to me, given my "unique" medical history, and I can't believe they'd suggest it. Plus, I fall into every risk category (greater than 25% of lifetime recurrence, implants, radiation to the chest...) so why on earth would they fight this?
I'm counting on Dr. Rinn to make my case but MAN this hacks me off. I have enough to do without fighting this!
Okay, back to writing. Harumph.
Balance
Today I'm working on balance. Working on the book....but trying to get some laundry done, too, and un-bury the house (which has become a disaster since I stopped dedicating so much time to it).
I want to work. I am falling in love with my Hunts Point project, really getting into it, and it's satisfying to me in a way that housework - ha! - never could be.
But I had a rhythm in my day that is lost. I used to keep the house relatively clean, with regular vacuuming and bathroom cleaning and all that. Laundry was pretty caught up - always a load to do, but not a mountain to do. Dinners were more planned.
And right now I'm scrambling, and I feel like my life is coated in doghair (yechhhhhhh) and my bathroom feels gritty and the laundry IS a mountain. So, I spent a couple of hours this morning working on that, and now it's not as totally disgusting, although not great, and now I'm going to try to immerse myself back into the book.
I just hope that the phone doesn't ring and that I don't get distracted by some other undone chore and that I don't find myself wandering to the fridge, which is oh-so-accessable....
This balance business is tough.
I want to work. I am falling in love with my Hunts Point project, really getting into it, and it's satisfying to me in a way that housework - ha! - never could be.
But I had a rhythm in my day that is lost. I used to keep the house relatively clean, with regular vacuuming and bathroom cleaning and all that. Laundry was pretty caught up - always a load to do, but not a mountain to do. Dinners were more planned.
And right now I'm scrambling, and I feel like my life is coated in doghair (yechhhhhhh) and my bathroom feels gritty and the laundry IS a mountain. So, I spent a couple of hours this morning working on that, and now it's not as totally disgusting, although not great, and now I'm going to try to immerse myself back into the book.
I just hope that the phone doesn't ring and that I don't get distracted by some other undone chore and that I don't find myself wandering to the fridge, which is oh-so-accessable....
This balance business is tough.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Swine Flu in Seattle
Well, the word is out that a child in Madrona contracted swine flu somehow, and his school is closed for 7 days, with precautions to families not to meet outside of school. A pediatrician in Everett is also suspected to have the disease, and through no fault of his/her own saw 22 patients the day she got sick (felt good in the day, sick in the evening). No known cases in West Seattle, but I'm concerned.
Dang.
(Really, thinking something stronger than "dang" right now.)
I am at the public library downtown, waiting for the Seattle room to open, and browsing the web. Reading this, I have to suppress a strong desire to run back to West Seattle, swoop up Tessa, and bring her home for a week. House arrest doesn't sound very fun, but the idea of my little girl getting this......it makes me shudder.
Instead, I'm going to grab what I need to keep working (last time I was here I couldn't get everything before I needed to leave to pick up Tessa) and then I'm going to run ot the grocery store to pick up essentials and I'll pick up Tessa at the regular time. I plan to treat this like a forecast for snow: check the pantry, make sure that we're stocked up, make sure that the car is filled with gas, and plan to ride it out. I think I'll check out some extra library books, make sure that we have enough glue sticks, and plan on being prepared for some time doing art, reading, watching movies, popping popcorn, and playing on the swingset.
I am trying to be zen about this but I'm feeling frazzled. "Level 5 pandemic" is not vocabulary that I'm comfortable with. But my goal is to not be some crazy panic-stricken fool, either.
Isn't it always something?!
Dang.
(Really, thinking something stronger than "dang" right now.)
I am at the public library downtown, waiting for the Seattle room to open, and browsing the web. Reading this, I have to suppress a strong desire to run back to West Seattle, swoop up Tessa, and bring her home for a week. House arrest doesn't sound very fun, but the idea of my little girl getting this......it makes me shudder.
Instead, I'm going to grab what I need to keep working (last time I was here I couldn't get everything before I needed to leave to pick up Tessa) and then I'm going to run ot the grocery store to pick up essentials and I'll pick up Tessa at the regular time. I plan to treat this like a forecast for snow: check the pantry, make sure that we're stocked up, make sure that the car is filled with gas, and plan to ride it out. I think I'll check out some extra library books, make sure that we have enough glue sticks, and plan on being prepared for some time doing art, reading, watching movies, popping popcorn, and playing on the swingset.
I am trying to be zen about this but I'm feeling frazzled. "Level 5 pandemic" is not vocabulary that I'm comfortable with. But my goal is to not be some crazy panic-stricken fool, either.
Isn't it always something?!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
More good news!
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/new_research/20081029b.jsp
About a third (31.4%) of the women had new joint pain in the 3 months after starting hormonal therapy. During the next 9 years, these women were 40% less likely to have breast cancer come back compared to women who didn't have new joint pain.
So maybe all of my horrible side effects were actually worth something?!
About a third (31.4%) of the women had new joint pain in the 3 months after starting hormonal therapy. During the next 9 years, these women were 40% less likely to have breast cancer come back compared to women who didn't have new joint pain.
So maybe all of my horrible side effects were actually worth something?!
Getting ready for a whole new person
Me, that is.
My beloved oncologist called me back. I told her about my issues with Aromasin (and Femara before that). I told her "I don't think I can do this any more." She hooted and applauded! She told me that she's been sending me subliminal messages to go off the AI and switch to tamoxifen. With the new study showing three years of an AI followed by two years of tamoxifen equal in efficacy to five years of AI, it is a no-brainer.
She told me that my fatigue was related to the AIs, and the pain is related to the AIs, and that both should go away. Hot flashes will reappear, but the rest will go away. I will feel like a new woman.
Pleaseohpleaseohpleasepleaseplease....
The prescription is to go off the AIs for a month, and then start the tamoxifen (right after I return from Portland). She said it make take more than a month to get the AIs out of my system, but after a month on tamoxifen we'll know how the side effects will be in the long term.
I am so hopeful. I really, really, really need this break. I am so tired of trying to move and feeling so bad. She said I really might feel like my old energy is back.
I don't ask for a whole lotta prayers, but I'm asking now. I really feel like I need this to work. The prospect of feeling this bad for the rest of my life is really scary, and I need a change for the better. I need it so that I can focus on the Hunts Point book, focus on my family, focus on running, focus on all the many things that I care about.
Tonight, when Tessa goes to bed, I will go to bed. Hopefully this time next month I won't feel a NEED to do that any more.
A whole new me. I could really get used to that.
My beloved oncologist called me back. I told her about my issues with Aromasin (and Femara before that). I told her "I don't think I can do this any more." She hooted and applauded! She told me that she's been sending me subliminal messages to go off the AI and switch to tamoxifen. With the new study showing three years of an AI followed by two years of tamoxifen equal in efficacy to five years of AI, it is a no-brainer.
She told me that my fatigue was related to the AIs, and the pain is related to the AIs, and that both should go away. Hot flashes will reappear, but the rest will go away. I will feel like a new woman.
Pleaseohpleaseohpleasepleaseplease....
The prescription is to go off the AIs for a month, and then start the tamoxifen (right after I return from Portland). She said it make take more than a month to get the AIs out of my system, but after a month on tamoxifen we'll know how the side effects will be in the long term.
I am so hopeful. I really, really, really need this break. I am so tired of trying to move and feeling so bad. She said I really might feel like my old energy is back.
I don't ask for a whole lotta prayers, but I'm asking now. I really feel like I need this to work. The prospect of feeling this bad for the rest of my life is really scary, and I need a change for the better. I need it so that I can focus on the Hunts Point book, focus on my family, focus on running, focus on all the many things that I care about.
Tonight, when Tessa goes to bed, I will go to bed. Hopefully this time next month I won't feel a NEED to do that any more.
A whole new me. I could really get used to that.
Bad dreams
This morning, early in the morning (5am or so) I had a bad dream.
My hand was hurting, so I went to the doctor. They did scans, and solemnly told me, "We're sorry, it's hand cancer. We'll have to remove your hand. It's on both sides of your wrist, and into your fingers." I remember thinking "I wish it wasn't my right hand" and then I woke up.
And in real life, my hand and wrist were just hurting hurting hurting. And I realized that the pain had gone through my dream. Phew - what a relief to realize that I didn't have "hand cancer," whatever that might be.
But I have pain. Real pain. Pain that makes it hard to move sometimes. Pain in my wrists, fingers, feet, knees, everywhere. Pain that wakes me up at night. Pain that makes me change the way I move around. Pain that makes me slow(er). What I do, I do despite the pain. It's a mind game I play. So when you see me moving quickly, it is in spite of it. And I'm so tired of that.
I think the pain is making me tired, too.
I blame it on the Aromasin - it's known to cause joint issues.
I have a call in to Dr. Rinn and I'm hoping for a return call this evening. I do not want to take one more day of AIs. I feel ancient, and I have no energy, and I just hurt so much.
Someone pointed out to me, "Look at your blog - you have good days, too." Yes, I want to say, this is true. I have so much in my life to love. But the pain is shadowing all of it. It is with me all the time now and sometimes I push it to the background so that I can focus on something else, but it keeps coming back.
I'm hoping to switch to tamoxifen. One of its side effects can be weight gain. I hope that I'm immune.
When I was undergoing chemo, I thought that anything would be better. With radiation burns, I thought anything would be better. And now....I know that there are lots of things that are worse, but I do not feel good. Or good enough. And I want to change that.
My hand was hurting, so I went to the doctor. They did scans, and solemnly told me, "We're sorry, it's hand cancer. We'll have to remove your hand. It's on both sides of your wrist, and into your fingers." I remember thinking "I wish it wasn't my right hand" and then I woke up.
And in real life, my hand and wrist were just hurting hurting hurting. And I realized that the pain had gone through my dream. Phew - what a relief to realize that I didn't have "hand cancer," whatever that might be.
But I have pain. Real pain. Pain that makes it hard to move sometimes. Pain in my wrists, fingers, feet, knees, everywhere. Pain that wakes me up at night. Pain that makes me change the way I move around. Pain that makes me slow(er). What I do, I do despite the pain. It's a mind game I play. So when you see me moving quickly, it is in spite of it. And I'm so tired of that.
I think the pain is making me tired, too.
I blame it on the Aromasin - it's known to cause joint issues.
I have a call in to Dr. Rinn and I'm hoping for a return call this evening. I do not want to take one more day of AIs. I feel ancient, and I have no energy, and I just hurt so much.
Someone pointed out to me, "Look at your blog - you have good days, too." Yes, I want to say, this is true. I have so much in my life to love. But the pain is shadowing all of it. It is with me all the time now and sometimes I push it to the background so that I can focus on something else, but it keeps coming back.
I'm hoping to switch to tamoxifen. One of its side effects can be weight gain. I hope that I'm immune.
When I was undergoing chemo, I thought that anything would be better. With radiation burns, I thought anything would be better. And now....I know that there are lots of things that are worse, but I do not feel good. Or good enough. And I want to change that.
Implications
I am following the story of little Hannah, the ten year old with breast cancer. Her family has started a blog, and I follow it with a prayer in my heart for Hannah.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/
I have been reading comments, and I had to do a public reply for some of them.
A common thing to say to people facing a serious disease is "Just be positive, and you can beat this!" or some derivation of that statement.
On its face, this is good advice. When we approach our problems with an open heart for solutions, it helps. The way we perceive our problems can be part of our problems, and if we just mope and complain then we have extra problems, for we miss out on the sweetness when we're focused on the bitterness.
But I still hate this advice. Know why? Because it is not always possible, or appropriate, to be positive when you have a serious disease. Having someone who is in perfect health say "just chin up!" sounds like "stop whining!" Sometimes, it is even insulting. It is APPROPRIATE to cry, to rage, to ask unanswerable questions of the universe. What if I die? Am I strong enough to fight this? Why me? Those questions are painful, and to me, that is perfectly rational. Nobody says, "Hurray! I got picked for breast cancer! Please cut off my breasts and take my hair and make me feel sick and old because I just KNOW this is going to be a character building experience! I'm so grateful!" Maybe there are elements of that in our path to acceptance, but there is some negative thinking, too.
And that is OKAY.
The other part of the advice that makes me hate it? The implication is that, if positive thinking will cure me, then negative thinking will kill me. That makes me think that I'm not allowed to have doubt or fear, and I think that is down-right unreasonable. Mother Theresa had doubt (her letters were published after her death) in her faith, and she is a saint. I am NOT a saint, and I am allowed doubt. It does not make me less of a person, or less of a survivor, it makes me HUMAN. My positive thinking will not cure me any more than collapsing into tears will kill me. Both are real, and I need to be allowed to weep or rage against the unfairness sometimes, too.
I'd like to believe that I am more positive than negative, that I have confronted this disease with a little bit of grace sometimes, but I am not perfect, and I did not approach my disease perfectly, especially if "perfect" means "perfect optimism."
Yes, it hits a nerve with me.
So next time you're talking to someone with a major hurdle, encourage them, certainly. But please don't tell them that their positive attitude will save them. It didn't save me from getting breast cancer in the first place, but I don't think I brought this on myself. And if I feel doubt, or fear, or anger, it doesn't mean that I can't move on....it means that I feel grief. I bet you would, too, but I hope you never get to experience what I've experienced.
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/
I have been reading comments, and I had to do a public reply for some of them.
A common thing to say to people facing a serious disease is "Just be positive, and you can beat this!" or some derivation of that statement.
On its face, this is good advice. When we approach our problems with an open heart for solutions, it helps. The way we perceive our problems can be part of our problems, and if we just mope and complain then we have extra problems, for we miss out on the sweetness when we're focused on the bitterness.
But I still hate this advice. Know why? Because it is not always possible, or appropriate, to be positive when you have a serious disease. Having someone who is in perfect health say "just chin up!" sounds like "stop whining!" Sometimes, it is even insulting. It is APPROPRIATE to cry, to rage, to ask unanswerable questions of the universe. What if I die? Am I strong enough to fight this? Why me? Those questions are painful, and to me, that is perfectly rational. Nobody says, "Hurray! I got picked for breast cancer! Please cut off my breasts and take my hair and make me feel sick and old because I just KNOW this is going to be a character building experience! I'm so grateful!" Maybe there are elements of that in our path to acceptance, but there is some negative thinking, too.
And that is OKAY.
The other part of the advice that makes me hate it? The implication is that, if positive thinking will cure me, then negative thinking will kill me. That makes me think that I'm not allowed to have doubt or fear, and I think that is down-right unreasonable. Mother Theresa had doubt (her letters were published after her death) in her faith, and she is a saint. I am NOT a saint, and I am allowed doubt. It does not make me less of a person, or less of a survivor, it makes me HUMAN. My positive thinking will not cure me any more than collapsing into tears will kill me. Both are real, and I need to be allowed to weep or rage against the unfairness sometimes, too.
I'd like to believe that I am more positive than negative, that I have confronted this disease with a little bit of grace sometimes, but I am not perfect, and I did not approach my disease perfectly, especially if "perfect" means "perfect optimism."
Yes, it hits a nerve with me.
So next time you're talking to someone with a major hurdle, encourage them, certainly. But please don't tell them that their positive attitude will save them. It didn't save me from getting breast cancer in the first place, but I don't think I brought this on myself. And if I feel doubt, or fear, or anger, it doesn't mean that I can't move on....it means that I feel grief. I bet you would, too, but I hope you never get to experience what I've experienced.
The economy
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/business/economy/30econ.html?hp
In short? It's bad. It's not getting better.
Our small family is doing okay right now. We are fearful because BearingPoint is still in Chapter 11 and we don't know what will happen next - the company is breaking up into pieces and being sold, and we don't know a) if Ryan's contract will be sold and b) if the buyer of said contract will keep the BearingPoint employees or place their own people in the contract. Those are some pretty big concerns for us. There are a lot of great people out there (13 million, according to what I've read recently) who are underemployed and looking for work, and so a job loss is particularly scary in this economy.
If Ryan's job does NOT go away, we are doing well. I'm working like mad on the Hunts Point book, and Ryan's paycheck pays our bills, so with the combo, we're digging ourselves out of debt.
It's kind of tiring holding my breath all the time, though.
In short? It's bad. It's not getting better.
Our small family is doing okay right now. We are fearful because BearingPoint is still in Chapter 11 and we don't know what will happen next - the company is breaking up into pieces and being sold, and we don't know a) if Ryan's contract will be sold and b) if the buyer of said contract will keep the BearingPoint employees or place their own people in the contract. Those are some pretty big concerns for us. There are a lot of great people out there (13 million, according to what I've read recently) who are underemployed and looking for work, and so a job loss is particularly scary in this economy.
If Ryan's job does NOT go away, we are doing well. I'm working like mad on the Hunts Point book, and Ryan's paycheck pays our bills, so with the combo, we're digging ourselves out of debt.
It's kind of tiring holding my breath all the time, though.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tired
If I was a cursing girl, I'd insert a lot of curse words here.
I am so tired. Yes, I worked today, and it was great. (And the folks at the Public Library - the Central Branch downtown has amazing collections - were so kind and helpful.) I used microfiche for the first time since college, and I got to thumb through newspaper books from the 1880s, and it was all just so darned amazing to get such rich data.
(In case you can't tell, I'm working on the "early days" of the Hunt/Hunt's Point story.)
I will have to spend many more hours there to get what I need, but I'm so happy to do the work.
But I'm tired and grumpy and Tessa was amazingly grouchy and I worry that she's getting sick and my house is a mess and I have phone calls to return and paperwork (bills) to go through and aghhhhhhhh.
When did I become such a whiner?
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more rested.
I am so tired. Yes, I worked today, and it was great. (And the folks at the Public Library - the Central Branch downtown has amazing collections - were so kind and helpful.) I used microfiche for the first time since college, and I got to thumb through newspaper books from the 1880s, and it was all just so darned amazing to get such rich data.
(In case you can't tell, I'm working on the "early days" of the Hunt/Hunt's Point story.)
I will have to spend many more hours there to get what I need, but I'm so happy to do the work.
But I'm tired and grumpy and Tessa was amazingly grouchy and I worry that she's getting sick and my house is a mess and I have phone calls to return and paperwork (bills) to go through and aghhhhhhhh.
When did I become such a whiner?
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more rested.
Monday, April 27, 2009
"Mommy, we're supposed to PRAY!"
The problem with Tessa is that sometimes she listens to me. Yes, you read that right. Of course I get irritated when she doesn't listen, but yesterday I got irritated when she did listen.
And I don't really think I'm all that irritable, but....
I digress.
Anyway, yesterday Tessa repeated my words back to me when I wasn't prepared to listen. We had gone for a walk - five blocks downhill - to see the Hisatomi's new puppy (hurrah!), had a lovely visit, and were headed home. Tessa had her Razor scooter, and we were enjoying the weather and the day, though I was feeling the push to get a few things done and to move on to the next activities (planting pots, etc.). Tessa said she wanted to stop (Mama, it's so steep!), and proceeded to look at the clovers and the daisies in a patch of grass. I waited what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, and said, "Okay, now let's go."
Tessa said, "No, Mommy, we're supposed to PRAY."
Huh?
Oh, yah.
Yesterday I did the children's story (the story for all ages) at church. Since the service was based on Mary Oliver's poetry, I read "The Summer Day" to the children, and then we talked about different ways to pray. Of course, you can pray in church, and you can pray like a grace before a meal, and you can pray "pleasepleasepleaseplease" and you can pray "thank you" and you can pray a yogic breath....and you can pray by paying attention. We talked about how Mary Oliver likes to pay attention, to wander the fields. I mentioned that the kids needed to help their parents with this kind of prayer, because adults get so grouchy and schedule oriented and their cell phones keep ringing and they're always doing laundry and carpools and hurrying and scurrying....but children know how to live in the moment, how to get caught up in looking at the small stuff, how to enjoy just being where they are and not thinking about what happened yesterday and what will happen next. I told the kids to help their grown ups, because we need help with this kind of prayer, and it's an important prayer, too.
And when I wasn't thinking of it, Tessa called me on it.
And I didn't respond properly. I said, "What? Oh, that. Ya. Hmm. Well, honey, don't you want to go home so you can play on your swings?"
I have a lot to learn.
I've been listening to a podcast about mindfulness that is right on track.
Better yet, I took Shep for a run/walk and we walked to Colman Pool and back. Out in the middle of Lincoln Park, I took off my headset and just breathed in the smell of low tide and felt the wind and saw so many birds and wildflowers at the side of the trail and people with their dogs and I stopped and let Shep sniff every one (only the ones who wanted to, I should say). I was done running anyway- my endurance is zip - and the slowing down did more for me than any power walk, anyway.
Last night after realizing my mistake yesterday I told Tessa not to give up on me, that she could teach me, that I didn't know why I got confused so quickly, but that I like her lesson.
Thanks, Tessa.
And I don't really think I'm all that irritable, but....
I digress.
Anyway, yesterday Tessa repeated my words back to me when I wasn't prepared to listen. We had gone for a walk - five blocks downhill - to see the Hisatomi's new puppy (hurrah!), had a lovely visit, and were headed home. Tessa had her Razor scooter, and we were enjoying the weather and the day, though I was feeling the push to get a few things done and to move on to the next activities (planting pots, etc.). Tessa said she wanted to stop (Mama, it's so steep!), and proceeded to look at the clovers and the daisies in a patch of grass. I waited what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, and said, "Okay, now let's go."
Tessa said, "No, Mommy, we're supposed to PRAY."
Huh?
Oh, yah.
Yesterday I did the children's story (the story for all ages) at church. Since the service was based on Mary Oliver's poetry, I read "The Summer Day" to the children, and then we talked about different ways to pray. Of course, you can pray in church, and you can pray like a grace before a meal, and you can pray "pleasepleasepleaseplease" and you can pray "thank you" and you can pray a yogic breath....and you can pray by paying attention. We talked about how Mary Oliver likes to pay attention, to wander the fields. I mentioned that the kids needed to help their parents with this kind of prayer, because adults get so grouchy and schedule oriented and their cell phones keep ringing and they're always doing laundry and carpools and hurrying and scurrying....but children know how to live in the moment, how to get caught up in looking at the small stuff, how to enjoy just being where they are and not thinking about what happened yesterday and what will happen next. I told the kids to help their grown ups, because we need help with this kind of prayer, and it's an important prayer, too.
And when I wasn't thinking of it, Tessa called me on it.
And I didn't respond properly. I said, "What? Oh, that. Ya. Hmm. Well, honey, don't you want to go home so you can play on your swings?"
I have a lot to learn.
I've been listening to a podcast about mindfulness that is right on track.
Better yet, I took Shep for a run/walk and we walked to Colman Pool and back. Out in the middle of Lincoln Park, I took off my headset and just breathed in the smell of low tide and felt the wind and saw so many birds and wildflowers at the side of the trail and people with their dogs and I stopped and let Shep sniff every one (only the ones who wanted to, I should say). I was done running anyway- my endurance is zip - and the slowing down did more for me than any power walk, anyway.
Last night after realizing my mistake yesterday I told Tessa not to give up on me, that she could teach me, that I didn't know why I got confused so quickly, but that I like her lesson.
Thanks, Tessa.
This I believe
There is a program currently on NPR, and available on Podcast, called This I Believe. It's one of my favorite things to listen to, as every essay brings a new perspective, and makes me question my own ideas. (Questions are good.)
http://www.thisibelieve.org/index.php
This has me ruminating about what I believe in. It turns out that it's not so easy to narrow it down to a few succinct sentences; it's not easy to summarize a lifetime's beliefs in one small essay. I'd like to write my own This I Believe essay, but I can't yet, because as usual, I haven't come up with the one defining belief that would make it all worthwhile. I'm thinking about it, though, and I'm starting to define a list of things that I believe in.
- Having cancer does not make anyone a better person. In perusing the "This I believe" archives, there are countless essays on cancer, and many of them contain the word "gift." Well, I'm here to tell you that I do not believe that cancer is a gift, unless by "gift" you mean "useless, ugly item that one can't get rid of and wishes one had never received." For me, the word gift is full of positive connotations: the love of the giver, the delight of receipt, the warmth of friendship, the smile of knowing that someone thought of you, the joy of Christmas or birthdays or (my favorite of all) just the joy of giving. Cancer evokes none of these images for me. I think that the people who believe that cancer is a gift think that cancer somehow made them a better person, and I'm glad for them, but I utterly, completely, adamantly disagree. I think that cancer amplifies what you already have, but I don't think that it makes anyone better, or worse. For some, actually, it causes them to hide their head in the sand. For some, cancer is a weapon that allows them to be unkind to others under the guise of "hey I have cancer I can say whatever I want!" And certainly, for some, it causes them to look deeper into themselves and pull up whatever they like best from inside. Cancer did not make me a better person. I believe that cancer was just one of life's many reminders - admittedly, a louder reminder than most - to be who I want to be, but cancer did not change who I am. Cancer changed my life, but it did not change me.
(Caveat: I am a changed person. But I believe that life did the changing, not cancer. Still working on this idea.)
- I believe that my daughter is the wisest teacher I have ever met. Through her six year old eyes, I learn perseverence (learning the monkey bars, despite blisters from her attempts); I learn observance (oooooooooooh look at the bug's wings - they're so pretty!); I learn faithful love (six year olds know how to love a friend like no other); I learn how to laugh at just about anything, including bad jokes; I learn how to use my body (freely, in running and climbing and jumping and without a thought). When I hear her use my words, I learn who I am, and what I like and loathe about myself.
- I believe that simplicity is the most complicated idea. I've heard "less is more" more times than I can count, but I also see that there are entire sections at the library how to live with less, how to enjoy more with less, how to de-schedule, how to focus on what's important and give up the rest. It's not easy, being simple, and being simple is not simplistic.
- I believe that without compassion toward self we are completely incapable of true compassion towards others.
- I believe that perfection is a curse and not a blessing, and that pursuit of perfection ruins lives.
- I believe in birthdays, and in marking them with celebrations of simply being alive.
- I believe that the food I prepare is a sign of my love. Some meals are celebratory for people that I love, but that's not quite it.... I believe that when I take the time to find healthy, delicious food ideas, and prepare them well, I am demonstrating my love not only for the people who will eat my food, but for being alive, for caring for my body, and even, if done right, caring for the earth.
- I believe that we will never find peace through war.
- I believe that it is possible to have too many friends.
- I believe that in an effort to not miss out on anything, I may be missing out on the most important things of all.
- I believe that everyone struggles, and that knowing that, life is much easier.
And I could go on. What do you believe?
http://www.thisibelieve.org/index.php
(Note: you can read the most popular, the most recent, or you can search by topic. Some 60,000 essays have been submitted so far. I'm still working on mine.)
http://www.thisibelieve.org/index.php
This has me ruminating about what I believe in. It turns out that it's not so easy to narrow it down to a few succinct sentences; it's not easy to summarize a lifetime's beliefs in one small essay. I'd like to write my own This I Believe essay, but I can't yet, because as usual, I haven't come up with the one defining belief that would make it all worthwhile. I'm thinking about it, though, and I'm starting to define a list of things that I believe in.
- Having cancer does not make anyone a better person. In perusing the "This I believe" archives, there are countless essays on cancer, and many of them contain the word "gift." Well, I'm here to tell you that I do not believe that cancer is a gift, unless by "gift" you mean "useless, ugly item that one can't get rid of and wishes one had never received." For me, the word gift is full of positive connotations: the love of the giver, the delight of receipt, the warmth of friendship, the smile of knowing that someone thought of you, the joy of Christmas or birthdays or (my favorite of all) just the joy of giving. Cancer evokes none of these images for me. I think that the people who believe that cancer is a gift think that cancer somehow made them a better person, and I'm glad for them, but I utterly, completely, adamantly disagree. I think that cancer amplifies what you already have, but I don't think that it makes anyone better, or worse. For some, actually, it causes them to hide their head in the sand. For some, cancer is a weapon that allows them to be unkind to others under the guise of "hey I have cancer I can say whatever I want!" And certainly, for some, it causes them to look deeper into themselves and pull up whatever they like best from inside. Cancer did not make me a better person. I believe that cancer was just one of life's many reminders - admittedly, a louder reminder than most - to be who I want to be, but cancer did not change who I am. Cancer changed my life, but it did not change me.
(Caveat: I am a changed person. But I believe that life did the changing, not cancer. Still working on this idea.)
- I believe that my daughter is the wisest teacher I have ever met. Through her six year old eyes, I learn perseverence (learning the monkey bars, despite blisters from her attempts); I learn observance (oooooooooooh look at the bug's wings - they're so pretty!); I learn faithful love (six year olds know how to love a friend like no other); I learn how to laugh at just about anything, including bad jokes; I learn how to use my body (freely, in running and climbing and jumping and without a thought). When I hear her use my words, I learn who I am, and what I like and loathe about myself.
- I believe that simplicity is the most complicated idea. I've heard "less is more" more times than I can count, but I also see that there are entire sections at the library how to live with less, how to enjoy more with less, how to de-schedule, how to focus on what's important and give up the rest. It's not easy, being simple, and being simple is not simplistic.
- I believe that without compassion toward self we are completely incapable of true compassion towards others.
- I believe that perfection is a curse and not a blessing, and that pursuit of perfection ruins lives.
- I believe in birthdays, and in marking them with celebrations of simply being alive.
- I believe that the food I prepare is a sign of my love. Some meals are celebratory for people that I love, but that's not quite it.... I believe that when I take the time to find healthy, delicious food ideas, and prepare them well, I am demonstrating my love not only for the people who will eat my food, but for being alive, for caring for my body, and even, if done right, caring for the earth.
- I believe that we will never find peace through war.
- I believe that it is possible to have too many friends.
- I believe that in an effort to not miss out on anything, I may be missing out on the most important things of all.
- I believe that everyone struggles, and that knowing that, life is much easier.
And I could go on. What do you believe?
http://www.thisibelieve.org/index.php
(Note: you can read the most popular, the most recent, or you can search by topic. Some 60,000 essays have been submitted so far. I'm still working on mine.)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Michelle Obama wrote Tessa!
As I'd mentioned earlier in the blog, Tessa wrote Malia and Sasha Obama a letter after their dad took over the presidency.
Today she got a response! It's on official White House paper, with an embossed stamp, and it's signed personally by Michelle Obama. It seems like a form letter, except for the last line...
"I appreciate how hard you worked on your letter. Keep up the good work!"
Tessa had, indeed, labored over it. She copied what I wrote for her (which she had dictated to me), and there was erasing and re-writing and careful editing....all of which was quite visible in the end result. She'd used our nicest notecards, and she had tried so hard. I suddenly wish I'd taken a picture of it. :-)
I love Michelle Obama!
Today she got a response! It's on official White House paper, with an embossed stamp, and it's signed personally by Michelle Obama. It seems like a form letter, except for the last line...
"I appreciate how hard you worked on your letter. Keep up the good work!"
Tessa had, indeed, labored over it. She copied what I wrote for her (which she had dictated to me), and there was erasing and re-writing and careful editing....all of which was quite visible in the end result. She'd used our nicest notecards, and she had tried so hard. I suddenly wish I'd taken a picture of it. :-)
I love Michelle Obama!
The day in review
- A lovely time at tea at Krystal's table at her church in Monroe - beautiful decor made by Krystal, lovely food, nice people. Well worth the drive!
- A breast cancer moment at said tea. There was a series of skits done for entertainment, and they centered around women's friendships. Suddenly, there was The Breast Cancer Skit. One friend has cancer, and reflects on the friendships in her life. I was boo hoo'ing. I couldn't stop. I got mascara all over Krystal's linen napkins. Damn I hate it when it catches me off guard like that. Sometimes it just glides over me, and sometimes....sometimes it's too much. It was okay, it didn't ruin anything....I was just overcome by emotion for about five minutes. (Thanks, Krystal, for a soft touch and for understanding.)
- A really fun birthday party at Camp Long that had at least 25 six year olds plus their parents. By the end, the kids were sugared up and crazy, and they ran around in packs like wolf pups. We could see them, they were safe, and it made me happy to see Tessa comfortable with the group...even though she did resemble a feral child for a bit there. (At home, bathed and with her hair washed, sleepy face on her pillow, I breathed a sigh of relief.) I think it's good for kids to get to run wild, get dirt - real dirt, made of soil and plant bits - on their clothes, and laugh and make noise and go fast and get out of arm's reach from adults. She's such a big girl - she could do this. (Yes, I kept my eyes on her. She might not have noticed, but I didn't look away!)
- Home again, and baking. A cake for the church's un-birthday party tomorrow. (The chocolate cakes are done; the vanilla frosting is done; tomorrow morning when the cakes are cool I'll frost them and then decorate with viola flowers from the garden.) And bread so that we can have sandwiches for lunch - it's in the machine.
- And now it's time for bed. Yawn!
PS I booked the 40th birthday trip with Carolyn & Susan - our mutual celebration of turning 40. We're going to Portland at the end of next month - hurrah! I still need to figure out what to do for my "real" birthday in September.....ideas, anyone?
- A breast cancer moment at said tea. There was a series of skits done for entertainment, and they centered around women's friendships. Suddenly, there was The Breast Cancer Skit. One friend has cancer, and reflects on the friendships in her life. I was boo hoo'ing. I couldn't stop. I got mascara all over Krystal's linen napkins. Damn I hate it when it catches me off guard like that. Sometimes it just glides over me, and sometimes....sometimes it's too much. It was okay, it didn't ruin anything....I was just overcome by emotion for about five minutes. (Thanks, Krystal, for a soft touch and for understanding.)
- A really fun birthday party at Camp Long that had at least 25 six year olds plus their parents. By the end, the kids were sugared up and crazy, and they ran around in packs like wolf pups. We could see them, they were safe, and it made me happy to see Tessa comfortable with the group...even though she did resemble a feral child for a bit there. (At home, bathed and with her hair washed, sleepy face on her pillow, I breathed a sigh of relief.) I think it's good for kids to get to run wild, get dirt - real dirt, made of soil and plant bits - on their clothes, and laugh and make noise and go fast and get out of arm's reach from adults. She's such a big girl - she could do this. (Yes, I kept my eyes on her. She might not have noticed, but I didn't look away!)
- Home again, and baking. A cake for the church's un-birthday party tomorrow. (The chocolate cakes are done; the vanilla frosting is done; tomorrow morning when the cakes are cool I'll frost them and then decorate with viola flowers from the garden.) And bread so that we can have sandwiches for lunch - it's in the machine.
- And now it's time for bed. Yawn!
PS I booked the 40th birthday trip with Carolyn & Susan - our mutual celebration of turning 40. We're going to Portland at the end of next month - hurrah! I still need to figure out what to do for my "real" birthday in September.....ideas, anyone?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Uplifting
http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/23/may-it-please-the-court/?em
The NYT is not usually a source of inspiration for me. To the contrary, it usually makes me sigh and feel sad, because aside from the fact that I think it's a great newspaper, the news is usually depressing at some level.
This wasn't. Thank you!
The NYT is not usually a source of inspiration for me. To the contrary, it usually makes me sigh and feel sad, because aside from the fact that I think it's a great newspaper, the news is usually depressing at some level.
This wasn't. Thank you!
Slogging through
For one reason or another, I haven't slept very well in the past week.
I'm exhausted. As a means of "relaxing" I started to play around on the YSC site, answering and reading posts from other survivors. As is not uncommon, there are disagreements on the site, and I found myself taking sides.
And it just made me more tired. So I logged out, and I'm wandering the house doing this and that instead. I've made great book progress this week, but today I am too exhausted to contemplate the research I had in mind. Monday will be soon enough.
But I am so very tired. I operate on a regular sense of tired, but adding some lost sleep is not helping.
The weather is gorgeous, Tessa is having a friend for a sleepover, and there is much good in the world. Let me get up and try to focus on that...
I'm exhausted. As a means of "relaxing" I started to play around on the YSC site, answering and reading posts from other survivors. As is not uncommon, there are disagreements on the site, and I found myself taking sides.
And it just made me more tired. So I logged out, and I'm wandering the house doing this and that instead. I've made great book progress this week, but today I am too exhausted to contemplate the research I had in mind. Monday will be soon enough.
But I am so very tired. I operate on a regular sense of tired, but adding some lost sleep is not helping.
The weather is gorgeous, Tessa is having a friend for a sleepover, and there is much good in the world. Let me get up and try to focus on that...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Time for change
Warning: Whining ensues.
I feel like crap.
I'm just so tired, and not in the "oh I need a nap" way and not in the "yawn" kind of way, but in a bone-weary way. I can't quite describe it. My brain is weary, and I am often so tired that it's hard to concentrate because of it.
And I ache. I ache, ache acheacheache. It's worst after I've been sitting or lying down, but there is a perpetual ache that makes me not want to move. Combined with my fatigue, it's hard to exercise, because I feel so crummy.
Something's gotta give. With all the treatment I've had, side effects are inevitable, and there is a big discussion around AIs surrounding quality of life issues.
Of course, I could have these issues because I had my ovaries removed when I was 36 years old. For any of you ladies out there reading this, make no mistake: estrogen is your FRIEND. I miss estrogen more than I can say. More than my boobs, if you can believe that, because you can get fake boobs but if you've had my kind of cancer (ER+) you can't get fake estrogen. The fatigue, the achiness, may be partly part of the missing ovaries/estrogen.
If I went back, would I do it all over again? Probably. Was it the right thing to do? Well.... I have my doubts. It's too late to undo it so I won't dwell on it, but I struggle with it.
So it's time for change. I saw this study:
http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.showArticleByTumorType/id/805/tumorCategory/Breast/article_id/1063
...and it says that two years of an AI followed by three years of tamoxifen is just as effective as five years of an AI. I really think that it might be time to switch to another drug, because I am having such a hard time. And if it's a no-risk proposition, I really need to do it. If there is some risk in switching, or going off hormonal treatment, I need to consider that, too. I've been on AIs for more than three years, and I have a hard time forcing myself to take the pill every day because it makes me feel so bad. If the AIs are the problem, this would help...
I am tired - literally - of feeling that way. I have to find a way to make it better. I need 10 hours a night of sleep and still don't feel rested, my energy levels are low, and I hurt.
I'm going to try to find a way out of this, while maintaining not only my quality of life but also the quantity. I'm still aiming at 100.
I feel like crap.
I'm just so tired, and not in the "oh I need a nap" way and not in the "yawn" kind of way, but in a bone-weary way. I can't quite describe it. My brain is weary, and I am often so tired that it's hard to concentrate because of it.
And I ache. I ache, ache acheacheache. It's worst after I've been sitting or lying down, but there is a perpetual ache that makes me not want to move. Combined with my fatigue, it's hard to exercise, because I feel so crummy.
Something's gotta give. With all the treatment I've had, side effects are inevitable, and there is a big discussion around AIs surrounding quality of life issues.
Of course, I could have these issues because I had my ovaries removed when I was 36 years old. For any of you ladies out there reading this, make no mistake: estrogen is your FRIEND. I miss estrogen more than I can say. More than my boobs, if you can believe that, because you can get fake boobs but if you've had my kind of cancer (ER+) you can't get fake estrogen. The fatigue, the achiness, may be partly part of the missing ovaries/estrogen.
If I went back, would I do it all over again? Probably. Was it the right thing to do? Well.... I have my doubts. It's too late to undo it so I won't dwell on it, but I struggle with it.
So it's time for change. I saw this study:
http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.showArticleByTumorType/id/805/tumorCategory/Breast/article_id/1063
...and it says that two years of an AI followed by three years of tamoxifen is just as effective as five years of an AI. I really think that it might be time to switch to another drug, because I am having such a hard time. And if it's a no-risk proposition, I really need to do it. If there is some risk in switching, or going off hormonal treatment, I need to consider that, too. I've been on AIs for more than three years, and I have a hard time forcing myself to take the pill every day because it makes me feel so bad. If the AIs are the problem, this would help...
I am tired - literally - of feeling that way. I have to find a way to make it better. I need 10 hours a night of sleep and still don't feel rested, my energy levels are low, and I hurt.
I'm going to try to find a way out of this, while maintaining not only my quality of life but also the quantity. I'm still aiming at 100.
Shocking
http://www.ourlittlesweetpea.com/
Hannah is ten. She has breast cancer. She has to have a mastectomy, and who knows what else.
If you pray, please pray. She's TEN! She's just a little girl....
I'm praying for ALL of the little girls....but Hannah in particular.
Hannah is ten. She has breast cancer. She has to have a mastectomy, and who knows what else.
If you pray, please pray. She's TEN! She's just a little girl....
I'm praying for ALL of the little girls....but Hannah in particular.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Alki days
I write from a coffee shop on Alki Beach, where the large windows are thrown open to let the ocean breeze come through, and the water is sparkling, and the mountains are crisp. Fit people run by with their bouncing dogs, moms are arriving with beach bags and toddlers, and there is a steady hum of people talking and birds chirping and an occassional car going by. It's like being at a resort, and I am humbled to think that this is MY community, and that on this gloriously sunny day, it's mine for the taking.
As much as I'm torn to either take Shep for a run or just sink my toes in the sand while I read a magazine, I am here to work on the Hunts Point book. It's taking form, growing its shape, and though I find it incredibly frustrating that the words don't come easily and I feel like I'm slogging through oatmeal to make it happen, progress does come.
But only if I work on it. So, for the next few hours, here I am. I'm in one of the most beautiful spots, and I'm pursuing my dreams. Could be much worse!
As much as I'm torn to either take Shep for a run or just sink my toes in the sand while I read a magazine, I am here to work on the Hunts Point book. It's taking form, growing its shape, and though I find it incredibly frustrating that the words don't come easily and I feel like I'm slogging through oatmeal to make it happen, progress does come.
But only if I work on it. So, for the next few hours, here I am. I'm in one of the most beautiful spots, and I'm pursuing my dreams. Could be much worse!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Tired
We gardened most of the day, and the front is dug up as much as we're going to do it this year. The idea that we could get rid of ALL of the grass was just a bit too overwhelming this year, but we've dug up a substantial portion - tripling last year's garden - and it's just sitting and getting ready. (The method we use buries the sod up-side-down, so we have to wait for it to compost itself, about six weeks from now. That's good timing for summer veggies like basil and tomatoes and zuchinni and such that need warmer weather, anyway. The spring veggies are planted in the "old" bed.)
We received some borage plants as a gift from neighbors, and they went into the ground, along with my first rhubarb plant. (Might need to get more rhubarb, hmmmm.) I also planted some more herbs in pots - cilantro, chives, and oregano, in addition to the parsley, thyme, rosemary, and sage that we already have on the go. Still need to get basil, tarragon, maybe a bay plant....
And we're TIRED. Manual labor is hard work.
I wrote my boss to postpone my meeting. I want to make it worth his time, and I want to complete the first two chapters to give him. So, tomorrow will be a work day after Tessa goes to school.....
Tessa's in the tub, nearly time to get her out to go. Happy Sunday, everyone!
We received some borage plants as a gift from neighbors, and they went into the ground, along with my first rhubarb plant. (Might need to get more rhubarb, hmmmm.) I also planted some more herbs in pots - cilantro, chives, and oregano, in addition to the parsley, thyme, rosemary, and sage that we already have on the go. Still need to get basil, tarragon, maybe a bay plant....
And we're TIRED. Manual labor is hard work.
I wrote my boss to postpone my meeting. I want to make it worth his time, and I want to complete the first two chapters to give him. So, tomorrow will be a work day after Tessa goes to school.....
Tessa's in the tub, nearly time to get her out to go. Happy Sunday, everyone!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Huh?
So in my newfound interest in cottage style, I went to the internet.
I found a whole lot of stuff that had nothing to do with the styles I had seen in that book. Hmmm.
Coastal living?
Coastal cottage living?
Eclectic style?
Casual PNW coastal cottage eclectic style?
I don't know what the proper name for it is, but I'm still intrigued.
I found a whole lot of stuff that had nothing to do with the styles I had seen in that book. Hmmm.
Coastal living?
Coastal cottage living?
Eclectic style?
Casual PNW coastal cottage eclectic style?
I don't know what the proper name for it is, but I'm still intrigued.
Saturday morning
The family is still sleeping - all four of them. (Mozart has taken to sleeping on the foot of Tessa's bed, which she loves - she's been begging him to do that for years. Shep is curled up in a little dog ball on his bed, and I know that Ryan's still asleep because I can hear him snoring.)
I logged in to work a bit on the book before they woke up. And to drink coffee - mmmmmm coffee. I made progress on the book yesterday, and today is more or less a day off, but tomorrow I'll work on it sunup to sundown in preparation for my meeting with my boss on Monday.
Gardening, a little trip to REI, and playing in the sunshine are in our future today. Ahhhhhh - sunshine.
I fell asleep last night thinking about cottages and how they reflect a lifestyle. It is amusing to me that I've been reading "deep" books about simplicity, but somehow this fluffy little book with the pretty pictures has made a more lasting impression on me. I think that it gave me permission to embrace eclecticism, which is really the ultimate simplicity. It's a form of letting go, while still embracing the beautiful. The text of the book made most of the cottages sound like vacation or summer homes, and implied that the owners had busy lives at home, but came to the cottages to escape all fo that, and I just kept thinking "why not LIVE like that?" Yes, there are jobs and homework and school and such, but why not approach it in a simpler way? If the best part of life is drinking coffee while curled up in a chair and reading a book, surely we can all find fifteen minutes a day to do that? I love my commuter mug - it helps me to sustain my coffee addiction - but isn't the best way to drink coffee in one's pajamas, out of a favorite mug (the one I have know was purchased in Portland maybe ten years ago, and it's hand painted with a cobalt design and hecho a mano in Mexico)?
What's right for me isn't right for everyone, but this is right for me.
Another thing I'm trying to do more simply: food. I get all caught up in food, and it sometimes feels like I spend half of my life cooking or planning to cook. I use recipes most of the time, experimenting with new food ideas, and finding those recipes and executing them can take forever. Last night, though, I just wasn't in the mood, so I went with some old standards....and they were delicious. I made a pot of brown rice, and grilled asparagus (snap the ends, drizzle with a little olive oil, sprinkle with coarse salt, and grill; serve with lemon wedges) and grilled salmon (a little garlic powder, some lemon pepper, and put lemon slices on top to lock in the moisture; grill) and it tasted fresh and good and Tessa didn't even complain about it. I kept my sanity, it was healthy....is there a down side? I need to do more dishes like this.
(Note: My unfussy daughter has become SO PICKY ABOUT FOOD! Is she doing this just to torture me? She is also in a period of a few days of being a sass-talker. Yesterday I resorted to all kinds of "consequences" and I'm not sure a single one of them made an impact on her. Arghhhhh! She's so lovely, why is she doing this? Sigh. Nobody's perfect, but I really hope that today is an easier day for us.)
Stumbling through, day by day. I'm learning a tiny bit every day, and I know that I have a forward momentum to the life I dream of. It does go slower than I'd intended, but c'est la vie. I suppose it is la dolce vita, anyway. (And there you have just about all of the French and Italian in my vocabulary.)
Here's wishing you some la dolce vita today, too.
I logged in to work a bit on the book before they woke up. And to drink coffee - mmmmmm coffee. I made progress on the book yesterday, and today is more or less a day off, but tomorrow I'll work on it sunup to sundown in preparation for my meeting with my boss on Monday.
Gardening, a little trip to REI, and playing in the sunshine are in our future today. Ahhhhhh - sunshine.
I fell asleep last night thinking about cottages and how they reflect a lifestyle. It is amusing to me that I've been reading "deep" books about simplicity, but somehow this fluffy little book with the pretty pictures has made a more lasting impression on me. I think that it gave me permission to embrace eclecticism, which is really the ultimate simplicity. It's a form of letting go, while still embracing the beautiful. The text of the book made most of the cottages sound like vacation or summer homes, and implied that the owners had busy lives at home, but came to the cottages to escape all fo that, and I just kept thinking "why not LIVE like that?" Yes, there are jobs and homework and school and such, but why not approach it in a simpler way? If the best part of life is drinking coffee while curled up in a chair and reading a book, surely we can all find fifteen minutes a day to do that? I love my commuter mug - it helps me to sustain my coffee addiction - but isn't the best way to drink coffee in one's pajamas, out of a favorite mug (the one I have know was purchased in Portland maybe ten years ago, and it's hand painted with a cobalt design and hecho a mano in Mexico)?
What's right for me isn't right for everyone, but this is right for me.
Another thing I'm trying to do more simply: food. I get all caught up in food, and it sometimes feels like I spend half of my life cooking or planning to cook. I use recipes most of the time, experimenting with new food ideas, and finding those recipes and executing them can take forever. Last night, though, I just wasn't in the mood, so I went with some old standards....and they were delicious. I made a pot of brown rice, and grilled asparagus (snap the ends, drizzle with a little olive oil, sprinkle with coarse salt, and grill; serve with lemon wedges) and grilled salmon (a little garlic powder, some lemon pepper, and put lemon slices on top to lock in the moisture; grill) and it tasted fresh and good and Tessa didn't even complain about it. I kept my sanity, it was healthy....is there a down side? I need to do more dishes like this.
(Note: My unfussy daughter has become SO PICKY ABOUT FOOD! Is she doing this just to torture me? She is also in a period of a few days of being a sass-talker. Yesterday I resorted to all kinds of "consequences" and I'm not sure a single one of them made an impact on her. Arghhhhh! She's so lovely, why is she doing this? Sigh. Nobody's perfect, but I really hope that today is an easier day for us.)
Stumbling through, day by day. I'm learning a tiny bit every day, and I know that I have a forward momentum to the life I dream of. It does go slower than I'd intended, but c'est la vie. I suppose it is la dolce vita, anyway. (And there you have just about all of the French and Italian in my vocabulary.)
Here's wishing you some la dolce vita today, too.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Three in a row
"Look, Mom!"
Wiggly tooth #3 is right next to the already-large gap on the bottom front. I think that raw carrots and apples are going to be out of the question for a while.
(It's not gone yet, but from loose to lost was a mere day last time.)
It changes the way she looks - I can barely catch up with her....
Wiggly tooth #3 is right next to the already-large gap on the bottom front. I think that raw carrots and apples are going to be out of the question for a while.
(It's not gone yet, but from loose to lost was a mere day last time.)
It changes the way she looks - I can barely catch up with her....
Little bits of progress
I am working on the book today - taking a break at the moment to write this. It goes so SLOWLY! I am hard on myself, and I want the word to flow trippingly from my tongue, and instead I have to stumble and fall and pick myself up and try again, and again, and again, and walk away, and come back in order to make it "right."
Yesterday I went to a workshop on home organization. It was interesting, and I'm glad that I went, because it's always helpful to hear others' perspectives, and to gain perspective of my own clutter (better than some, worse than others, which I think is how it should be). I was glad to find that I felt more or less on top of things as the speaker presented her materials, and when she offered free consultations I was confident in declining. I know what to do, just need time to do it. I did do a little organizing when I got home yesterday, cleaning out two of my three dresser drawers, and organizing my clothing closet a bit (finally solved the shoe dilemma by getting a rack for the bottom of the closet).
I am participating in a monthly Simplicity Circle through our church, and I find it fascinating to hear others' ideas of simplicity. What was a little confusing to me was that for many, it seems, simplicy is equated to a clutter-free lifestyle. I wasn't looking at it that way, but I was in the minority in that regard. I was thinking about how to recapture some of my zest through regaining simplicity; others were approaching it as a ways of simplifying their things. Certainly, there is an overlap, but this has given me pause for thought.
I checked out a ton of simplicity books from the library, and the beauty of the library is that I didn't have to just get the ones that I KNEW were right on target, and I was able to check out big piles of books. One of those is a "Cottage Style" book with the tagline about "living simply" and strangely, even though it's mostly just pretty pictures of cottages covered in flowers with big porches and adirondack chairs, it has me thinking in a new way. As I looked at those pretty cottages, I found them increasingly beautiful. And nothing matched. And their were patterns of all kinds - stripes and florals and plaids and paisleys; there were textures like chenille and wool and wood and paint and stone and pottery. There was even a form of chaos - cups stacked on shelves, open shelving with big bowls all piled up, eclectic art in unexpected places. Formal pieces right next to yard sale treasures. Chipped paint that was unashamedly so. But beautiful things - particularly pretty prints, beautifully shaped pitchers filled with gorgeous flowers, and elegant things, too. Bright colors - these cottages did not have taupe and tan, they had robins egg blue and pumpkin and cobalt and turquoise and sunny yellow and crimson and pastel pink and mossy green.
And I wanted to jump right in. I wanted to sit on a big painted cobalt wicker chair with rose floral cushions and tuck my feet under me and invite the cat up. I wanted to grab a mug off the shelf, grab a blanket, and curl up on an Adirondack to peer out at the garden and drink morning coffee. I wanted to sit around a table with friends and have a potluck with things fresh off the grill.
What I really want? I want this quieter life. For me, the pictures captured a lifestyle that is slower, and THAT is simplicity to me.
Identifying it is important. Now, I must work toward it. Well, I AM working toward it. The garden, home made bread, and our own Adirondack chairs - which DO get used, and regularly - are all part of that.
I only have Tessa in one after-school activity (horseback riding lessons, her greatest joy and passion), and because of this we're able to have her friends over with some regularity. Yesterday, the weather was nice for the first itme in a while, and we stayed at the playground after school until dinner time! I had packed snacks enough to share, and many of us sat on a bench talking while our children played. One family stayed as late as we did, and we ended up getting dinner at Sunfish (fish and chips - and man were they good....I usually avoid fried food but this was worth it) with the dads when they got off work.
And THAT is simplicity. A little bag of snacks - string cheese and pistacios and apples - and not much more, and it was SO relaxing. Tessa and her friends ran all over with no toys and not needing any - drawing with sticks in the dirt of the baseball diamond, doing the monkey bars over and over (sideways this time! now skip bars!), chasing one another, building things out of twigs and sticks.....essentially, a whole lot'a nothing.
I think that the world needs more nothing, and that is what I'm working on. I don't want to give up on the big stuff - oh no, I certainly don't - but I want more of just the simple stuff. Not email and voicemail and trying to connect with everyone, just playing on the playground with whomever is around and loving every minute of it.
I said "no" to a couple of volunteer things recently. I did NOT sign Tessa up for running club. I have unloaded more armloads of stuff from my closet to get rid of it.
I am seeking out the simple. I think that I am finding, in my own way, that the simple is what makes me the very happiest, and that is the most complex thing of all. Being simple is not at all simplistic, either, and takes great creativity and thoughtfulness and perseverence. Some of being simple will even change the world: simply standing up for what is right, without a fuss; or making simple, unprocessed food; or writing a simple letter; or saying a simple prayer; or simply marching for peace or love; or simply picking up a little litter.
Tessa is six. I want to teach her these great, simple joys. In uncertain economic times, we never know what is next, and I certainly know that life is short. I want to teach her simplicity....or perhaps I want to teach her not to lose what she already knows. Perhaps I can learn from her.
Back to the book - no time to proofread this. Here's hoping that I can keep my writing simple and straightforward, because there is great beauty in simplicity!
Yesterday I went to a workshop on home organization. It was interesting, and I'm glad that I went, because it's always helpful to hear others' perspectives, and to gain perspective of my own clutter (better than some, worse than others, which I think is how it should be). I was glad to find that I felt more or less on top of things as the speaker presented her materials, and when she offered free consultations I was confident in declining. I know what to do, just need time to do it. I did do a little organizing when I got home yesterday, cleaning out two of my three dresser drawers, and organizing my clothing closet a bit (finally solved the shoe dilemma by getting a rack for the bottom of the closet).
I am participating in a monthly Simplicity Circle through our church, and I find it fascinating to hear others' ideas of simplicity. What was a little confusing to me was that for many, it seems, simplicy is equated to a clutter-free lifestyle. I wasn't looking at it that way, but I was in the minority in that regard. I was thinking about how to recapture some of my zest through regaining simplicity; others were approaching it as a ways of simplifying their things. Certainly, there is an overlap, but this has given me pause for thought.
I checked out a ton of simplicity books from the library, and the beauty of the library is that I didn't have to just get the ones that I KNEW were right on target, and I was able to check out big piles of books. One of those is a "Cottage Style" book with the tagline about "living simply" and strangely, even though it's mostly just pretty pictures of cottages covered in flowers with big porches and adirondack chairs, it has me thinking in a new way. As I looked at those pretty cottages, I found them increasingly beautiful. And nothing matched. And their were patterns of all kinds - stripes and florals and plaids and paisleys; there were textures like chenille and wool and wood and paint and stone and pottery. There was even a form of chaos - cups stacked on shelves, open shelving with big bowls all piled up, eclectic art in unexpected places. Formal pieces right next to yard sale treasures. Chipped paint that was unashamedly so. But beautiful things - particularly pretty prints, beautifully shaped pitchers filled with gorgeous flowers, and elegant things, too. Bright colors - these cottages did not have taupe and tan, they had robins egg blue and pumpkin and cobalt and turquoise and sunny yellow and crimson and pastel pink and mossy green.
And I wanted to jump right in. I wanted to sit on a big painted cobalt wicker chair with rose floral cushions and tuck my feet under me and invite the cat up. I wanted to grab a mug off the shelf, grab a blanket, and curl up on an Adirondack to peer out at the garden and drink morning coffee. I wanted to sit around a table with friends and have a potluck with things fresh off the grill.
What I really want? I want this quieter life. For me, the pictures captured a lifestyle that is slower, and THAT is simplicity to me.
Identifying it is important. Now, I must work toward it. Well, I AM working toward it. The garden, home made bread, and our own Adirondack chairs - which DO get used, and regularly - are all part of that.
I only have Tessa in one after-school activity (horseback riding lessons, her greatest joy and passion), and because of this we're able to have her friends over with some regularity. Yesterday, the weather was nice for the first itme in a while, and we stayed at the playground after school until dinner time! I had packed snacks enough to share, and many of us sat on a bench talking while our children played. One family stayed as late as we did, and we ended up getting dinner at Sunfish (fish and chips - and man were they good....I usually avoid fried food but this was worth it) with the dads when they got off work.
And THAT is simplicity. A little bag of snacks - string cheese and pistacios and apples - and not much more, and it was SO relaxing. Tessa and her friends ran all over with no toys and not needing any - drawing with sticks in the dirt of the baseball diamond, doing the monkey bars over and over (sideways this time! now skip bars!), chasing one another, building things out of twigs and sticks.....essentially, a whole lot'a nothing.
I think that the world needs more nothing, and that is what I'm working on. I don't want to give up on the big stuff - oh no, I certainly don't - but I want more of just the simple stuff. Not email and voicemail and trying to connect with everyone, just playing on the playground with whomever is around and loving every minute of it.
I said "no" to a couple of volunteer things recently. I did NOT sign Tessa up for running club. I have unloaded more armloads of stuff from my closet to get rid of it.
I am seeking out the simple. I think that I am finding, in my own way, that the simple is what makes me the very happiest, and that is the most complex thing of all. Being simple is not at all simplistic, either, and takes great creativity and thoughtfulness and perseverence. Some of being simple will even change the world: simply standing up for what is right, without a fuss; or making simple, unprocessed food; or writing a simple letter; or saying a simple prayer; or simply marching for peace or love; or simply picking up a little litter.
Tessa is six. I want to teach her these great, simple joys. In uncertain economic times, we never know what is next, and I certainly know that life is short. I want to teach her simplicity....or perhaps I want to teach her not to lose what she already knows. Perhaps I can learn from her.
Back to the book - no time to proofread this. Here's hoping that I can keep my writing simple and straightforward, because there is great beauty in simplicity!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Must...sleep....
I feel like I was sleepwalking all day.
Did chores. Took Tessa and Shep for a walk (Tessa rode her Razor). Made dinner (ham and cannelini bean soup using the Easter ham bone).
And I feel like I ran a marathon (not that I know what that feels like, exactly).
Gotta go to bed.
Did chores. Took Tessa and Shep for a walk (Tessa rode her Razor). Made dinner (ham and cannelini bean soup using the Easter ham bone).
And I feel like I ran a marathon (not that I know what that feels like, exactly).
Gotta go to bed.
Healthy
Okay, sniffly, but the girl is healthy.
So, breakfast and get ready and off to school.
What is WITH the lack of sleep?!
So, breakfast and get ready and off to school.
What is WITH the lack of sleep?!
Bumpy
Was a bumpy night. Tessa went to bed at her appointed time - around 8:15. We let her read until 8:30. She was WIDE awake at 10:30. She was then awake at 1am.
Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I'm letting her sleep in this morning, and she is still asleep. What is UP with this? I have ten billion things to do and this is not helping.
She's still sniffly - is she sick? Only the day will tell. I feel bad for her if she's sick....
Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I'm letting her sleep in this morning, and she is still asleep. What is UP with this? I have ten billion things to do and this is not helping.
She's still sniffly - is she sick? Only the day will tell. I feel bad for her if she's sick....
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Take two
Tessa improved over the course of the day, and rallied to play with her Weitz cousins Heather & Kendra, as well as Aunt Linda, in the evening. (Much gratitude to these lovely girls/ladies - they were very accomodating of their younger, crazy cousin.)
She's still stuffy, but headed to school today, and horseback lessons after school, followed by dinner with Grammy.
And me? Book book book. I'm working on finishing the overview and writing the chapter on Leigh S.W. Hunt. (By having two topics at a time, when I hit writer's block on one I can skip to the other.)
Off to the races...
She's still stuffy, but headed to school today, and horseback lessons after school, followed by dinner with Grammy.
And me? Book book book. I'm working on finishing the overview and writing the chapter on Leigh S.W. Hunt. (By having two topics at a time, when I hit writer's block on one I can skip to the other.)
Off to the races...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Scratch that
The plan: work on the book all day.
(And get the house ready for guests, and make dinner for a friend who just had surgery.)
The reality: child who is feeling a bit under the weather, possibly from overdoing it all weekend, and has a stuffed up nose. Charlie and Lola on the tellie, Tessa on the couch.
I'm feeling punky and out of sorts today. Must....snap....out....of....it.....
(And get the house ready for guests, and make dinner for a friend who just had surgery.)
The reality: child who is feeling a bit under the weather, possibly from overdoing it all weekend, and has a stuffed up nose. Charlie and Lola on the tellie, Tessa on the couch.
I'm feeling punky and out of sorts today. Must....snap....out....of....it.....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
Getting ready for dinner with a few neighbor friends, and enjoying a lovely day.... Pictures show Tessa on her egg hunt, with her loot, in her Easter dress, smiling with a big gap, and the table set for supper (ham, eggs, asparagus - does it get any more Easter-y than that?). We went to church and the farmer's market today, and we're having a quiet afternoon before guests arrive. Tessa is excited to have a table for the two girls (Elena is a guest), right beside the big table, because that seems even more special somehow.
Happy Easter, everyone!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny
Tonight both the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny will visit our home. I stayed up late last night stuffing plastic eggs (recycled - these are the original eggs from Tessa's first Easters) with stickers and chocolates, and today Tessa proudly showed me her SECOND lost tooth, with an extra wide gap in the middle of her bottom teeth.
It was a great day. We went to the community egg hunt and saw friends and hung out and had a great time. Tessa, Anna, Beth & I went to see Hotel for Dogs at the Admiral, and the girls got a good giggle out of it, which made me enjoy it, too. (I love to hear Tessa laugh.) And then tonight, bliss of all bliss, we went out to Pegasus Pizza with Anna, Beth & Artie, and we even ran into Kari and her family.
A wonderful day. Of course, I'm completely worn out....but hoping for a good night's rest and another equally wonderful day tomorrow.
PS Last night I couldn't sleep - not sure what was up, but I was awake at 3am and never got back to sleep. :-( I decided to do mending at 5:30 in the morning - probably not my wisest plan, because while mending Tessa's jacket, the needle slipped off the thimble, and and poked it into my thumb right to the bone. OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My thumb feels as big as a hammer, and it is truly unpleasant. :-(
It was a great day. We went to the community egg hunt and saw friends and hung out and had a great time. Tessa, Anna, Beth & I went to see Hotel for Dogs at the Admiral, and the girls got a good giggle out of it, which made me enjoy it, too. (I love to hear Tessa laugh.) And then tonight, bliss of all bliss, we went out to Pegasus Pizza with Anna, Beth & Artie, and we even ran into Kari and her family.
A wonderful day. Of course, I'm completely worn out....but hoping for a good night's rest and another equally wonderful day tomorrow.
PS Last night I couldn't sleep - not sure what was up, but I was awake at 3am and never got back to sleep. :-( I decided to do mending at 5:30 in the morning - probably not my wisest plan, because while mending Tessa's jacket, the needle slipped off the thimble, and and poked it into my thumb right to the bone. OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My thumb feels as big as a hammer, and it is truly unpleasant. :-(
Friday, April 10, 2009
Lost tooth and Easter Eggs
It was a very exciting day in six-year-old-land.
Tessa ran up to me after school with the proud pronouncement that she lost her first tooth today, at lunch, in the cafeteria, while eating an apple. The school apparently has a policy around lost teeth (clever, if you ask me) and Tessa was sent to the nurse, who mopped up the couple of drops of blood and admired said tooth as appropriate. Best of all? Tessa was given a tooth necklace, where the tooth was taped inside a small tooth-shaped "locket" that Tessa could wear all day.
The kid is walking on air. It cracks me up, and I just love it. She is just filled with the joy of being six, and of losing her first tooth, and feeling so grown up from it all.
(Mama is recovering. My baby is gone! She's been replaced by this lovely young girl! I love this girl....but my baby is gone!)
And as if that wasn't enough...
Today we dyed Easter eggs, as planned. We chose a glitter-style for some, and stripes for others. We'll be eating deviled eggs for a couple of days....but not until the eggs have been admired for a bit longer.
"Mama, this was the best day ever."
PS Best day ever included ordering Pagliacci. Bad news for WW fans - I ordered the salad, and ate it, feeling virtuous. I looked up points AFTER eating it. Ummm, I ate 16 points worth of salad. SO not worth it. I blew all of my points for the week and I'm hacked off about it....sigh. I'll go for a run tomorrow to try to recover a bit. :-(
Hip Hop Princess
Here is Tessa's video from her performance yesterday. How does this hip hop dancer dress? In black velvet and pink satin, of course, with her fancy Easter shoes and her green Christmas sweater. The pictures are of the kids waiting for their performance, with a close-up of Tessa with beloved-Anna, and Tessa with her PE teacher, Ms. McChesney. (Tessa ADORES Ms. McChesney.)
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Slow down!
Tessa just proudly showed me not one, but two, wiggly teeth.
It made my stomach all flip-floppy. My baby girl is growing up so fast. Just yesterday I heard Ryan whisper the words, "It's Tessa!" as she was born....and now she's proud of her wiggly teeth, her ability to read, the books she writes....
Wow.
It made my stomach all flip-floppy. My baby girl is growing up so fast. Just yesterday I heard Ryan whisper the words, "It's Tessa!" as she was born....and now she's proud of her wiggly teeth, her ability to read, the books she writes....
Wow.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Official
I am officially back on Weight Watchers, in every way. I've been tracking my food for 9 days using the online programs, and today I went to my first meeting and got all the booklets and learned about the new Momentum program.
It feels good. It feels great, actually, despite my miniscule, awfully-small loss last week. I know that if I stick it out it will work, and I have a proven track record with this program.
I am going to feel good. I can't wait to feel good. I'm tired of my aches and pains, and I'm absolutely certain that some of them are from weighing a bit more than I ought to.
Visions:
Fitting back into the 7 Jeans (the brand, not the size) that Jenny gave me. I love those jeans.
Wearing a bathing suit at Alki beach this summer.
Running in the half marathon wearing my new running skort.
Getting dressed without that frumpy feeling that I have currently.
Moving without creaking so much.
Giving away the pair of jeans that I am forced to wear EVERY SINGLE DAY right now because they are the only pair of pants that fits me at the moment.
This is gonna be great!
It feels good. It feels great, actually, despite my miniscule, awfully-small loss last week. I know that if I stick it out it will work, and I have a proven track record with this program.
I am going to feel good. I can't wait to feel good. I'm tired of my aches and pains, and I'm absolutely certain that some of them are from weighing a bit more than I ought to.
Visions:
Fitting back into the 7 Jeans (the brand, not the size) that Jenny gave me. I love those jeans.
Wearing a bathing suit at Alki beach this summer.
Running in the half marathon wearing my new running skort.
Getting dressed without that frumpy feeling that I have currently.
Moving without creaking so much.
Giving away the pair of jeans that I am forced to wear EVERY SINGLE DAY right now because they are the only pair of pants that fits me at the moment.
This is gonna be great!
Quote from Leigh Hunt
I am working on the Hunt section of the Hunts Point book, and came across this quote attributable to Hunt:
Thrift begets self respect.
I like that. I like that a lot.
(Liking that is better than whining because I want to buy every clothing item in the Athleta and Title Nine catalogs that persist at showing up here.)
Thrift begets self respect.
I like that. I like that a lot.
(Liking that is better than whining because I want to buy every clothing item in the Athleta and Title Nine catalogs that persist at showing up here.)
Revisions
Well, yesterday's prediction of my day was way, way off.
My mom called because she wasn't feeling well, so we canceled our dinner with my parents. And then I decided that it was too far to drive to pony lessons for just a 45 minute lesson,s o I canceled that.
Instead, I went running! I managed close to four miles without killing myself, and with short walk breaks (The Galloway Method) thrown in. It is amazing to me how one minute of walking changes my entire body - it completely renews me and preps me for more running.
And then I locked my good keys in my car, and the "running key" that I'd tied to my shoelace didn't work. Ackkkkk! I think we must have held on to an old van key (keep in mind that we became a one car family about two years ago) and that's what I brought. Fortunately, my friend Audrey (who came with me) was able to call her husband to come and pick us - and Shep! - up, or I'd have had to walk a couple of miles home again.
Anyway. Not the day I had planned, but not a bad day. I'm proud of my running success, and hope to do it again tomorrow. (Tomorrow I'll volunteer in the classroom, then run home - Ryan will have the car. Enforced running! :-) )
Today I've got dinner cooking in the crock pot - beef stew. I got the beef at the Farmer's Market this weekend, so it's pasture raised, and I feel good about that. Still, I'm trying to cut back on beef so I cut the beef in half and raised the quantity of vegetables in the recipe, and we'll see what my family has to say about that! (I won't tell them - will they notice?) This will make it a lighter dish, too.
....Which is good, because I am sticking out WW and trying not to be too sad about my nearly-nothing weight loss last week. I'm hoping for a GREAT weight-loss week this week, but whatever will be will be. I go to my first meeting tonight, and I'm kind of excited about it, because it's a sign of my commitment. I am committed to this.
Yesterday Tessa and I joined some Alki friends and played on the beach after school - it was lovely.
So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. Tessa's at school, I'm going to do some chores and then work on the book, and here we are.
My mom called because she wasn't feeling well, so we canceled our dinner with my parents. And then I decided that it was too far to drive to pony lessons for just a 45 minute lesson,s o I canceled that.
Instead, I went running! I managed close to four miles without killing myself, and with short walk breaks (The Galloway Method) thrown in. It is amazing to me how one minute of walking changes my entire body - it completely renews me and preps me for more running.
And then I locked my good keys in my car, and the "running key" that I'd tied to my shoelace didn't work. Ackkkkk! I think we must have held on to an old van key (keep in mind that we became a one car family about two years ago) and that's what I brought. Fortunately, my friend Audrey (who came with me) was able to call her husband to come and pick us - and Shep! - up, or I'd have had to walk a couple of miles home again.
Anyway. Not the day I had planned, but not a bad day. I'm proud of my running success, and hope to do it again tomorrow. (Tomorrow I'll volunteer in the classroom, then run home - Ryan will have the car. Enforced running! :-) )
Today I've got dinner cooking in the crock pot - beef stew. I got the beef at the Farmer's Market this weekend, so it's pasture raised, and I feel good about that. Still, I'm trying to cut back on beef so I cut the beef in half and raised the quantity of vegetables in the recipe, and we'll see what my family has to say about that! (I won't tell them - will they notice?) This will make it a lighter dish, too.
....Which is good, because I am sticking out WW and trying not to be too sad about my nearly-nothing weight loss last week. I'm hoping for a GREAT weight-loss week this week, but whatever will be will be. I go to my first meeting tonight, and I'm kind of excited about it, because it's a sign of my commitment. I am committed to this.
Yesterday Tessa and I joined some Alki friends and played on the beach after school - it was lovely.
So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. Tessa's at school, I'm going to do some chores and then work on the book, and here we are.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Gearing up
I'm still drinking my first cup of coffee, but I'm also gearing up for a busy day. Once I get Tessa to school, it's time to work on the Hunts Point book. It's also Tessa's riding lesson day, so when I pick her up from school we'll head to Woodinville, and after her lesson we'll have dinner with Grammy & Grandpa.
The weather prediction is for another day like yesterday, so I think I'll work outside today. I need as much sun as I can get, and I know that the forecast is for rain later this week.
Last night we had our first Simplicity Circle meeting, which took place at our house. (What was I thinking making a chocolate bundt cake when I'm on WW? The first piece was fine. It's the second piece that'll get me!!!) I committed to sitting quietly with my journal and thinking about time simplicity....
I'm longing for summer. I'm longing for days spent on Alki, evening picnics, and camping. Yesterday Shep and I went for a walk at Alki, and it looked like summer - girls in bikinis and guys with no shirts playing volleyball - and then when we picked up Tessa we went to Whale Tail Park with friends and the moms sat on a blanket while the girls played. It was delicious - the sun, the friends, and all. The more days like that the better, because this Seattleite feels like she's been patient enough. Bring on that sunshine!
The weather prediction is for another day like yesterday, so I think I'll work outside today. I need as much sun as I can get, and I know that the forecast is for rain later this week.
Last night we had our first Simplicity Circle meeting, which took place at our house. (What was I thinking making a chocolate bundt cake when I'm on WW? The first piece was fine. It's the second piece that'll get me!!!) I committed to sitting quietly with my journal and thinking about time simplicity....
I'm longing for summer. I'm longing for days spent on Alki, evening picnics, and camping. Yesterday Shep and I went for a walk at Alki, and it looked like summer - girls in bikinis and guys with no shirts playing volleyball - and then when we picked up Tessa we went to Whale Tail Park with friends and the moms sat on a blanket while the girls played. It was delicious - the sun, the friends, and all. The more days like that the better, because this Seattleite feels like she's been patient enough. Bring on that sunshine!
Monday, April 06, 2009
Garden pictures
The rosebush under Tessa's bedroom window....with a carrot patch beneath it. (That carrot patch looks like dirt right now, but there are seeds...)
Pots with flowers and herbs....the chives and sage and thyme came back, and the primroses, and some other flowers....but it's time to replant most of them.
Raspberries, over by the swingset. (Look closely. Three sticks poking up = raspberries.)
The beginnings of the new beds - about 1/4 of the lawn has been dug up so far (thanks, Ryan). The patch here is where the tomatoes will go - the best sun up front.
Last year's garden bed, all planted and ready to go this spring. Strawberries, fava beans, garlic, sugar snap peas, lettuce, chard, onions, spinach. Plus four parsley plants.
Part of the raised bed out back - the problematic raised bed because of the way it gets sun throughout the day (very bright, then not at all). The reddish plant is a peony, and this pic shows a big rosemary bush, and then there's dug up dirt with potatoes under it, and there are irises and lady slipper and bleeding hearts....
Last year's garden bed, all planted and ready to go this spring. Strawberries, fava beans, garlic, sugar snap peas, lettuce, chard, onions, spinach. Plus four parsley plants.
Part of the raised bed out back - the problematic raised bed because of the way it gets sun throughout the day (very bright, then not at all). The reddish plant is a peony, and this pic shows a big rosemary bush, and then there's dug up dirt with potatoes under it, and there are irises and lady slipper and bleeding hearts....
Sunday, April 05, 2009
One choice at a time
It's hard work, losing weight, because it's not about one choice (to lose weight), it's about a million little choices. Not just what to have for breakfast, but how much to have, and some of this, but not that, and these but not those, and this treat, but not that one.
I did okay today. I was craving hamburgers fresh from the grill today - 70 degrees out! - but made some decent choices about them. I made my own hamburger buns using 100% whole wheat. I measured out the meat into 1/4 pound patties (4 ounces). I chose lean meat. Everyone else had cheese, but I did not. I made a potato salad recipe that had a vinegrette dressing instead of mayo (and delicious - lots of fresh herbs, reduced wine, whole grain mustard...). I made salad and had extra portions.
A million little choices. Only a tiny bit of mayo on the burger, no second helping of potato salad, go for an extra green salad instead....
I'm going to lose weight by a million little choices at a time,a dn this is what I need to keep reminding myself. I've now been on WW for a week, and so tomorrow morning I will weigh myself, fingers crossed for good results. I will attend my first meeting on Wednesday night,a nd they'll log my weight there, too.
Bit by bit, inch by inch....
I did okay today. I was craving hamburgers fresh from the grill today - 70 degrees out! - but made some decent choices about them. I made my own hamburger buns using 100% whole wheat. I measured out the meat into 1/4 pound patties (4 ounces). I chose lean meat. Everyone else had cheese, but I did not. I made a potato salad recipe that had a vinegrette dressing instead of mayo (and delicious - lots of fresh herbs, reduced wine, whole grain mustard...). I made salad and had extra portions.
A million little choices. Only a tiny bit of mayo on the burger, no second helping of potato salad, go for an extra green salad instead....
I'm going to lose weight by a million little choices at a time,a dn this is what I need to keep reminding myself. I've now been on WW for a week, and so tomorrow morning I will weigh myself, fingers crossed for good results. I will attend my first meeting on Wednesday night,a nd they'll log my weight there, too.
Bit by bit, inch by inch....
Care
I think that one of the things that I love best about gardening ....
Wait a minute. I said that last sentence without thinking, but I'm realizing that it's wholeheartedly true. I'm learning to love gardening! Me, who two years ago could barely be bothered to stick a tomato in a pot (I rarely got a harvest because I'd kill the tomatoes first) is suddenly A Gardener. Well, whaddayaknow.
Anyway.
One of the things that I love best about gardening is that I feel the care of it. Nurture, care, guardianship. I'm caring for our home - the whole home, not just the indoors. I'm caring for our family. I'm caring for my body (gardening isn't all picking flowers). I'm caring for the neighborhood. I'm tending to the earth in my own small way. I'm caring for Tessa's connection to earth. I'm even caring for our pocketbooks - food grown at home is a LOT cheaper than store-bought food.
Care. I think that care is highly underrated in our society. It seems to me that society all about rushing and accumulation and multitasking, not stopping to nurture.
Gardening has its own schedule. I just put potatoes in the ground, and if they grow the way they're supposed to, I"ll get to harvest them in "late summer." The carrot bed that I planted (under a rosebush - do you suppose that carrots and roses can co-exist peacefully?) doesn't look like a bed of carrots, it looks like dirt. (Fresh black dirt, I might add. I added rich vermicompost to it.) But I have visions of Tessa's friends coming over to pull a carrot for a snack, just like they did last year, only this year I won't have to say "just one please because there aren't that many" (or at least I hope not). Last year we got perhaps a dozen total blueberries - we knew that we wouldn't get much of a crop for a few years. Looking at our yard now, with only small buds on the trees, and bare patches in teh grass, and gardens that look like sticks and dirt, it's hard to imagine any sort of bounty coming from it....but if to everything there is a season, today is the time to plant.
I am tucking vegetables all over the place, trying to care for this planet. Every vegetable that I grow is that much less packaging, that much less travel - even Farmer's Market produce arrives to me in a truck (though a couple of hundred of miles is much better than a couple of thousand). It tastes better, too, but it's better for the planet. (Especially now that I'm making my own compost; I'm not buying anything chemical to put on the beds. I'm still using a little organic fertilizer, but I'm trying to buy as little of that kind of thing as possible and make it all myself. All those kitchen scraps and raked up leaves are going to good use....and one of the benefits of pony lessons is free manure.) So, I feel like I'm caring for the earth.
And I'm caring for my family. Today we're out back, Tessa flying on the swings, then jumping down to examine a worm, and asking me questions about things in the garden, and occassionally doing a bit of her own gardening. Ryan hasn't been feeling well so he's doing comfort stuff - tending to his bike, of course. (This was a compromise; he wanted to ride all day but definitely wasn't up to it.) Tessa has her own ideas about the garden, and what she likes best, and what she wants to do.
And out in front, other neighbors are busy in their gardens, too, planting and tending and planning. We chat with one another, care for one another, connect with one another.
I feel more connected to the earth than ever before. I've always been a nature girl, but nature was often something that I visited to admire. This isn't wilderness, but it is just as much a part of nature. Humankind has been participating in agriculture for about eleven thousand years, and I feel that connection when I get my hands dirty. Tessa and I have picked up "Farmer Boy," the Laura Ingalls Wilder book that is third in her series, and Tessa and I understand so much more of what they're talking about now. It makes me think that, while I'm grateful for computers and blogging and iPods and bread machines and washing machines and indoor plumbing and medicine and all kinds of other modern inventions, humankind was meant to get down in the dirt. I find it shocking that I'm nearly forty years old and I can't really picture what a potato plant looks like, even though I've eaten potatoes my whole life. When I think about it, I can't picture many things that I eat unless I'm picturing them in a plastic sack or in a bin at the grocery store. Well, no more....I'm learning, and I feel the connection of that learning.
It's a quiet way to live, but it feels very full and boisterous, too. "Care" isn't a sexy life philosophy, really, but I don't find it dull.
And I'm hoping that all of these delicious vegetables and fruits that I'm growing will nourish me, and that the work that I do in the garden will tone me, and perhaps THAT will make me feel a little sexier.
Right now, I don't see much of a down side. My aching body even feels good, because my aches are not surgically induced in this case, but brought about by good, hard work.
Nice.
Wait a minute. I said that last sentence without thinking, but I'm realizing that it's wholeheartedly true. I'm learning to love gardening! Me, who two years ago could barely be bothered to stick a tomato in a pot (I rarely got a harvest because I'd kill the tomatoes first) is suddenly A Gardener. Well, whaddayaknow.
Anyway.
One of the things that I love best about gardening is that I feel the care of it. Nurture, care, guardianship. I'm caring for our home - the whole home, not just the indoors. I'm caring for our family. I'm caring for my body (gardening isn't all picking flowers). I'm caring for the neighborhood. I'm tending to the earth in my own small way. I'm caring for Tessa's connection to earth. I'm even caring for our pocketbooks - food grown at home is a LOT cheaper than store-bought food.
Care. I think that care is highly underrated in our society. It seems to me that society all about rushing and accumulation and multitasking, not stopping to nurture.
Gardening has its own schedule. I just put potatoes in the ground, and if they grow the way they're supposed to, I"ll get to harvest them in "late summer." The carrot bed that I planted (under a rosebush - do you suppose that carrots and roses can co-exist peacefully?) doesn't look like a bed of carrots, it looks like dirt. (Fresh black dirt, I might add. I added rich vermicompost to it.) But I have visions of Tessa's friends coming over to pull a carrot for a snack, just like they did last year, only this year I won't have to say "just one please because there aren't that many" (or at least I hope not). Last year we got perhaps a dozen total blueberries - we knew that we wouldn't get much of a crop for a few years. Looking at our yard now, with only small buds on the trees, and bare patches in teh grass, and gardens that look like sticks and dirt, it's hard to imagine any sort of bounty coming from it....but if to everything there is a season, today is the time to plant.
I am tucking vegetables all over the place, trying to care for this planet. Every vegetable that I grow is that much less packaging, that much less travel - even Farmer's Market produce arrives to me in a truck (though a couple of hundred of miles is much better than a couple of thousand). It tastes better, too, but it's better for the planet. (Especially now that I'm making my own compost; I'm not buying anything chemical to put on the beds. I'm still using a little organic fertilizer, but I'm trying to buy as little of that kind of thing as possible and make it all myself. All those kitchen scraps and raked up leaves are going to good use....and one of the benefits of pony lessons is free manure.) So, I feel like I'm caring for the earth.
And I'm caring for my family. Today we're out back, Tessa flying on the swings, then jumping down to examine a worm, and asking me questions about things in the garden, and occassionally doing a bit of her own gardening. Ryan hasn't been feeling well so he's doing comfort stuff - tending to his bike, of course. (This was a compromise; he wanted to ride all day but definitely wasn't up to it.) Tessa has her own ideas about the garden, and what she likes best, and what she wants to do.
And out in front, other neighbors are busy in their gardens, too, planting and tending and planning. We chat with one another, care for one another, connect with one another.
I feel more connected to the earth than ever before. I've always been a nature girl, but nature was often something that I visited to admire. This isn't wilderness, but it is just as much a part of nature. Humankind has been participating in agriculture for about eleven thousand years, and I feel that connection when I get my hands dirty. Tessa and I have picked up "Farmer Boy," the Laura Ingalls Wilder book that is third in her series, and Tessa and I understand so much more of what they're talking about now. It makes me think that, while I'm grateful for computers and blogging and iPods and bread machines and washing machines and indoor plumbing and medicine and all kinds of other modern inventions, humankind was meant to get down in the dirt. I find it shocking that I'm nearly forty years old and I can't really picture what a potato plant looks like, even though I've eaten potatoes my whole life. When I think about it, I can't picture many things that I eat unless I'm picturing them in a plastic sack or in a bin at the grocery store. Well, no more....I'm learning, and I feel the connection of that learning.
It's a quiet way to live, but it feels very full and boisterous, too. "Care" isn't a sexy life philosophy, really, but I don't find it dull.
And I'm hoping that all of these delicious vegetables and fruits that I'm growing will nourish me, and that the work that I do in the garden will tone me, and perhaps THAT will make me feel a little sexier.
Right now, I don't see much of a down side. My aching body even feels good, because my aches are not surgically induced in this case, but brought about by good, hard work.
Nice.
Refusing to rush
We stayed home from church this morning. We just weren't up to the rush; Ryan is all stuffed up, and we haven't been home together in a week really Ryan was gone for six days) and we just feel the need to move slowly this morning.
I've been reading "Mother Earth News," and Ryan is finishing the last few pages of his book. Tessa is reading some Easter stories to herself - we keep them up in the attic and just brought them down, along with the 'egg tree' that is now on our dining room table - and we're drinking coffee by the gallon. Sarah McLachlan's "Ordinary Miracle" is our church music this morning, and I'll read from Mark Nero's affirmations for Ryan and I. We will walk to the Farmer's Market, we will work on the garden.
Next week we will go to church. But today, we needed this quiet family time.
I've been reading "Mother Earth News," and Ryan is finishing the last few pages of his book. Tessa is reading some Easter stories to herself - we keep them up in the attic and just brought them down, along with the 'egg tree' that is now on our dining room table - and we're drinking coffee by the gallon. Sarah McLachlan's "Ordinary Miracle" is our church music this morning, and I'll read from Mark Nero's affirmations for Ryan and I. We will walk to the Farmer's Market, we will work on the garden.
Next week we will go to church. But today, we needed this quiet family time.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
The Parent Trap
Tonight Ryan isn't feeling well - it is the sinus infection that has attacked each of us - so he's laying low, Tessa and I are having Chinese (chicken and broccoli for me - low points and boring if I may say so myself) and we're watching The Parent Trap.
Remember it? Hayley Mills - times two - at camp. Lots of shenanigans. Lots of laughter - and Tessa is enjoying it just as much as I did when I was young.
I love having a daughter.
Remember it? Hayley Mills - times two - at camp. Lots of shenanigans. Lots of laughter - and Tessa is enjoying it just as much as I did when I was young.
I love having a daughter.
Gardening
I think it's a bit of an addiction.
This afternoon we spent a few hours tidying up the back yard. Planted three raspberries (bringing us to five total; the other two are out front), a lovely lupine (one of my all time favorite flowers) and a red columbine. I set up the beginnings of a potting bench and stocked it with old pots, cleaned up leaves, pulled weeds out of the grass, filled in a hole Shep and friend had dug and reseeded the grass...
A whole bunch of nothin' important, in other words. But it feels SO good to be outside, to get my hands in the dirt, to add to the compost, to grow things....
This afternoon we spent a few hours tidying up the back yard. Planted three raspberries (bringing us to five total; the other two are out front), a lovely lupine (one of my all time favorite flowers) and a red columbine. I set up the beginnings of a potting bench and stocked it with old pots, cleaned up leaves, pulled weeds out of the grass, filled in a hole Shep and friend had dug and reseeded the grass...
A whole bunch of nothin' important, in other words. But it feels SO good to be outside, to get my hands in the dirt, to add to the compost, to grow things....
Friday, April 03, 2009
Home from the cabin
A lovely time with Katie, Jessie and Emma.
I counted WW points the whole time, managed some treats (Katie's home made scones and a glass of wine) and didn't go over. Very nice.
My pants still don't fit and I still feel fat - different than looking fat, but I *feel* fat in the way my body wears my clothes and feels lethargic - but I am on plan. Change will happen!
Now we're waiting for Ryan to arrive, hopefully in the next hour. We've missed him this week, and it will be great to have our little family back at home together.
I counted WW points the whole time, managed some treats (Katie's home made scones and a glass of wine) and didn't go over. Very nice.
My pants still don't fit and I still feel fat - different than looking fat, but I *feel* fat in the way my body wears my clothes and feels lethargic - but I am on plan. Change will happen!
Now we're waiting for Ryan to arrive, hopefully in the next hour. We've missed him this week, and it will be great to have our little family back at home together.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Only a little bit evil
Sometimes, I get very invasive questions about why I only have one child and aren't I going to give her a brother or sister etc.
I always start with the polite answer, "We're very happy with the size of our family, and couldn't ask for more. We're content."
But if people keep asking, I can't resist adding "Well, I had to have my ovaries and uterus removed because of my cancer treatment so I can't have more children."
That usually ends the conversation.
It's a little bit evil but I can't stop myself. We only wanted one to begin with, but if someone is going to go on and on and on, well, this does tend to end the conversation.
I always start with the polite answer, "We're very happy with the size of our family, and couldn't ask for more. We're content."
But if people keep asking, I can't resist adding "Well, I had to have my ovaries and uterus removed because of my cancer treatment so I can't have more children."
That usually ends the conversation.
It's a little bit evil but I can't stop myself. We only wanted one to begin with, but if someone is going to go on and on and on, well, this does tend to end the conversation.
A new day
I emailed my boss to postpone our next meeting about the book. I'm annoyed that I had to do so, but I just haven't been able to accomplish as much as I had hoped.
Drat.
Tessa and I will be heading up to Crystal Mountain with friends tomorrow morning for a quick trip, and I can't wait. We won't ski, but we'll play in the snow, sled, and have a great time. I'm certainly looking forward to it.
And planning meals. Yes, this is a part of WW that I must adjust to. I need to plan for success, and if I'm not careful then I'll play in the snow for a few hours, work up a huge appetite, and then go inside and consume mammoth quantities of chips, salsa, and sour cream. Ack! But no, I won't do it. Instead, I'll go to the store today, and I'll pick up some more fruit, and I'll make some little snack containers. Today I think I'll make hummus - with carrots, I find it a near perfect snack. I also volunteered to make dinner, and received a request for tacos. No problem - I can do that! I will use whole grain tortillas (though I'll bring the "regular" kind too), I'll skip the cheese, and I'll go heavy on the veggies. I'll bring fresh lime juice to garnish mine, even as others pile on the cheese and sour cream.
I can do this. (And really, I'm telling myself that, not you, gentle reader.)
Today I woke up to weather that was nearly snowing; cold sleet was falling. Brrr. However, it seems to have stopped now, so I think it's time to get Shep some exercise. I will bundle up!
Drat.
Tessa and I will be heading up to Crystal Mountain with friends tomorrow morning for a quick trip, and I can't wait. We won't ski, but we'll play in the snow, sled, and have a great time. I'm certainly looking forward to it.
And planning meals. Yes, this is a part of WW that I must adjust to. I need to plan for success, and if I'm not careful then I'll play in the snow for a few hours, work up a huge appetite, and then go inside and consume mammoth quantities of chips, salsa, and sour cream. Ack! But no, I won't do it. Instead, I'll go to the store today, and I'll pick up some more fruit, and I'll make some little snack containers. Today I think I'll make hummus - with carrots, I find it a near perfect snack. I also volunteered to make dinner, and received a request for tacos. No problem - I can do that! I will use whole grain tortillas (though I'll bring the "regular" kind too), I'll skip the cheese, and I'll go heavy on the veggies. I'll bring fresh lime juice to garnish mine, even as others pile on the cheese and sour cream.
I can do this. (And really, I'm telling myself that, not you, gentle reader.)
Today I woke up to weather that was nearly snowing; cold sleet was falling. Brrr. However, it seems to have stopped now, so I think it's time to get Shep some exercise. I will bundle up!
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