Grateful

I spent the evening with Family Promise. The recipients of Family Promise's help are some lovely, lovely families, and they are deserving of our thoughts, prayers, assistance, and care. Deeply deserving, actually.

I came home filled with gratitude for my life. I am grateful, in no particular order, for the following:

1) My home. It is my haven, my refuge, my sanctuary, my shelter.

2) My extended family. With their combined resources, I think I will never be homeless.

3) My education. Should I become homeless, I have many avenues to work.

4) My healthcare and health insurance. These families have experienced suffering that makes me ache and makes some of my problems look so small.

5) The peacefulness of American soil. I know, it's so far from perfect, and there is so much pain. But I do not know what a bomb sounds like except from TV. I have never held a gun. I have never experienced war. And for these things, I'm extraordinarily grateful.

There are so many more things, big and small, on my gratitude list, but these are the top. And tonight I go to bed more grateful than when I started this day, that is for certain.

Favorite Bible Verse

Today at church I got a favorite Bible verse.

Luke 6:36 (spoken by Jesus): Be compassionate as God is compassionate.

I looked it up in Ryan's "Revised standard version" and it uses the word "merciful" in place of "compassionate;" and I looked it up in Ryan's"The New English Bible" and it said "Be compassionate as your Father is compassionate;" and I looked it up in my old "Good News for Modern Man" Bible and it said, "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." "The Way" says, "Try to show as much compassion as your Father does." The NIV version says "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful" with a footnote that says "God's perfection should be our example and goal."

(Yes, we identify as UUs. But UUs have many sources of wisdom, including "Jewish and Christian teachings." Ryan and I each have the Bibles of our childhoods...plus a few more. They sit on a shelf in "Grandpa's bookcase" in the middle of our home, next to writings by the Dalai Lama, Pema Chodron, Thoreau, Emerson, and a handful of poets including Mary Oliver, Blake, Wordsworth, and Kahlil Gibran, as well as other spiritual writings. )

For a woman who loves language, the differences in the different Bibles are fascinating, for mercy and compassion mean slightly different things with important distinctions.

Still, the version that strikes me is the simple, "Be compassionate as God is compassionate." To me, it's an excellent summary of all that is best about Christianity, and it resonated deeply with me.

I attended the Dalai Lama Seeds of Compassion event about a year ago, and I am truly trying to bring compassion into my life. I'm grateful to have another verse to meditate with.

Tea party success

Everything was wonderful. Altogether, there were ten of us, and there was talk and laughter and lots and lots and lots of food.

I'm exhausted. It's the happy kind of exhausted, but I'm wiped out. The sinus infection plus all the hubbub and I will be going to bed when Tessa does!

Still, the dishes are put away, the linens are soaking, and I have a big box of sweet treats to contribute to the coffee hour at church tomorrow.

A lovely day. Maybe I'll do it again next year!

PS Mom S, your apron was a hit! I have requests to see if you'll sell them. :-) I love it and it gets so much use...and today it got an audience, too.

Tea Party

Our church holds an annual auction as a fundraiser, and of course asks for donations. I decided to donate a tea party, and the auction sold tickets. Today I've been preparing...for tomorrow is the big day!

I have taken great joy in bringing out Aunt Helen's pink Limoge china, the lacy napkins made by my Great Grandmother Brown (my mother's mother's mother), wedding china, and all fo the silly collected items that I've picked up at thrift shops. I say "silly" because who really needs pink and gold china items - but I love every bit of it.

There is something so incredibly restful about a tea party. Women gathered together to relax in the middle of the day - ahhhh. Delicious things to eat (including curried mango chicken salad sandwiches, cucumber dill sandwiches, creme freshe with lox....and sweets such as chocolate vanilla cupcakes, brownies, and blueberry lemon tea bread; and no tea is complete without scones with lemon curd, preserves, and cream....) with piping hot tea.

And the teapot that Grandpa Goddard gave me goes so delightfully with the tablecloth he gave me. And the sofa that we sit on every day is just so "right" for a tea party. Did Grandpa have this in mind when he gifted me these items?

The timing is terrible because I don't feel great, but it's okay, because I do love a good tea party. All this baking (and cleaning!) wears me out, but tomorrow will be the reward of enjoying the effects of my labors.

Really hopeful

I have been chewing on the idea that my fatigue and memory issues are not cancer treatment related.

Suddenly, I am filled with optimism. Perhaps the real me will return! Perhaps I am not stuck in this body, but this body can change (for the better). Perhaps I will get more energy, perhaps I will have a working mind....

Please oh please oh please. I am so very tired (bad pun) of all of this.

So today I'm hopeful. Maybe a tune-up and I'll be good to go again!

In a sadder note, unrelated to myself....
Today I logged on to the YSC to find out that a single mom was diagnosed with mets. She's coming up three years since diagnosis, and her lungs "lit up like a Christmas tree" on her last scan. I hate cancer. Please put her in your thoughts or prayers. Please include her young son in those thoughts and prayers.

Not an overactive imagination

The bad news: I have a sinus infection, and a "quite large" polyp extruding from my sinuses. (Google "sinus polyp" if you'd like to see some disgusting pics.) This is apparently a sign that the infection is pretty bad, has been ongoing, and may need further attention. We're not talking surgery yet, but left untreated that's what happens to polyps.

(I have had three sinus surgeries. Prior to this whole breast cancer business, my sinuses were my worst physical problem. I was operated on at age 13, age 15, and age not-quite-21, and the last surgery corrected lots of things by removing bone and tissue and other nasty stuff.)

So I'm on some kind of nose spray, and antibiotics, and saline rinses, and I have to follow up with the doc in a few weeks.

My thyroid hormones are "off," and I got another blood test today to see how much.

I thought that I was just dealing with fatigue from the last few years, but the doc said he didn't think so. He thinks I've got a few things going on that might be correctable, adn that, when corrected, my energy will rise. Now wouldn't that be nice?!

In the short term, I feel crummy. (Checked my blog, and I've been coughing for over six weeks. Yuck.)

In the longer term, I'm hopeful that this is not how I will feel forever.

Can I take a nap now?

Ode to the Library

I have been falling in love with the library almost daily lately.

I owned a copy of Sarah McLachlan's 'Surfacing' album, but somehow ended up with just the empty case and liner notes. So, I got it from the library.

I was looking for a good read, and stumbled into The Art of Racing in the Rain -which I finished last night, with sighs of contentment. (Disclaimer: I skipped the entire section where the mom's illness overtakes her and she dies. Just couldn't do it.)

I've been doing yoga videos from the library, and loving it, because some of them are great and some stink, so I can learn which one I want to buy by test driving them. On hold right now is Yoga for stress relief .

Tessa requests "Saddle Club" videos, Ryan reads sci-fi and historical fiction, and I read, well, just about everything else.

Go check it out.

Internal Debate

I have an opportunity to take on a volunteer position for Alki that would commit me at least 5 hours per week, plus meetings. (This equates to one day per week while Tessa is at school, plus some.)

Pros:
Involves writing. Involvement in Tessa's school.

Cons:
Big time commitment.

I'm not writing as much as I want to, I'm not bringing in as much income as I want to, and I'm certainly not exercising as much as I want to.

Sigh. I want to do it all. But can I? Should I?

Lovely words to chew on

This came to my email today from the Blue Mountain Center of Meditation, and I loved it enough to share. (Anything that quotes Wordsworth is likely to get my approval, but this in particular I like.)
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Eknath Easwaran’s Thought for the Day
March 25

The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best of a good man’s life. – William Wordsworth

Our lives affect others, whether directly, through the environment, or by the force of our example.

For instance, we could say that smoking shows a lack of love. First, our capacity for love is actually caught in the compulsion to smoke. But more than that, the example tells even casual passersby, “Don’t worry about what your doctor says. Don’t worry about the consequences. If it feels good, do it!”

Pele, the Brazilian soccer star, was in a position to command a king’s ransom for endorsing commercial products. He never gave his endorsement to any cigarette, putting the reason in simple words: “I love kids.” That is a perfect choice of words. He does love kids. He knows that in most of the world they will buy anything with his name on it. Therefore, though he came from a poor family, no amount of money can tempt him to do something that will mislead young people or injure their health.

To love is to be responsible like this in everything: the work we do, the things we buy, the food we eat, the people we look up to, the movies we see, the words we use, every choice we make from morning till night. That is the real measure of love; it is a wonderfully demanding responsibility.

Too scheduled

Today is one of those days that runs and doesn't stop.

Oops. I planned it that way, didn't I?

Six minutes between one activity and the next. Now, ready, set, GO! again.

Velveeta

There is no plastic cheese in my house.

You can find cheese from the Farmer's Market, you can find Tillamook cheddar, you can find Manchengo and parmesan, but you will not find Kraft Singles in my refrigerator.

But you already knew that.

Tessa brings her lunch to school with her most days. Last week, she came home and said that her lunch was "the best." "What did I pack again?" I asked, forgetful as usual. She told me, but then added, "I didn't like it, though, so I went to the sharing table. I got a sandwich and it was SOOOO good!"

She had actually brought part of the sandwich home, so I asked to see it. I even took a nibble so that I could verify.

Yup. White bread with fake cheese, grilled with margarine.

As a part of my parenting philosophy, I said, "I'm glad you liked it honey." When she said, "Will you make that for me?" I said "I'll make you grilled cheese, sure!" When she said, "Just like this one?" I had to say, "No." I added that what other people did was their own business, of course, and she could share her friends' food....but I don't use that kind of cheese.

Too funny (to me, anyway). This granola organic locavore mom is going to raise a Kraft mac-n-cheese girl who adores Top Ramen, Velveeta, and cake from boxes. Ah well, I'm trying!

To engrave upon my heart

Be kind, for everyone you know is facing a great battle.—Philo of Alexandria

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; (1)
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea, (2)
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus (3) rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton (4) blow his wreathed horn.
- William Wordsworth

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

Live simply that others might simply live.
- Mahatma Gandhi

What is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
- Mary Oliver

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
- Goethe

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.
Henry David Thoreau

Just a few quotes that I wanted to collect into one place....these are driving forces in my life right now.

Waste not, want not

I'm getting more old fashioned by the minute. Old slogans from my Granny Goddard are making more and more sense to me. I may not be a modern woman at all, because I like this new, old fashioned version of myself. (But please don't take away my iPod or make me stop blogging.)

I still remember being a young girl and taking the kitchen scraps out to the back garden with Grandpa Goddard at their Sechelt home. And I remember hanging clothes on the line with Granny. And I remember having Sunday ham dinners, and then making something (beans, soup) with the ham bone. Apparently Granny and Grandpa were way, way ahead of their time, because now I'm trying to learn how to be like them.

This morning I'm making dinner in my new* crockpot/slow cooker. I did inventory of the cupboard stores, and I found a recipe using what we already had. Onions, cumin, cayenne, cloves (yes, cloves), garlic, and chicken drumsticks are at the bottom of the pot. Beans are on the stovetop, plumping up. And next to the beans, the bag of kitchen scraps from the freezer - broccoli ends, carrot tops, chicken bones, and the like - are simmering in a pot with water and salt. When the timer beeps, I'll strain them and add their broth to my chili, and add the beans on top of that.

The recipe called for skinless drumsticks. I pulled the skin off, and threw it into the stock. The beans came in a plastic PCC bag from the bulk bins, and I'll save that for my next trip to the store (I'm out of white beans now). The recipe also calls for canned chilis, which I don't have. I've decided to walk Shep to the store (we both need the exercise) and we'll buy fresh chilis and quickly roast them before throwing them into the pot. That way we won't get BPA from cans, we won't have to throw away or recycle a can (recycling still uses lots of energy and resources), and we'll have fresher food.

This is an entirely new way of cooking for me. A few differences:
1) Using chicken with bones. I used to only buy boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I stopped that habit because it's the most expensive way to buy chicken, but I'm realizing how much I'd given up by doing that. For one, the bones and skin make great chicken stock. For another, it's so much more expensive. For yet another, the slightly darker meat of the other parts of the chicken has great flavor and is more tender. (The extra fat is minimal, especially when you consider that we're eating much less meat per serving than usual - I'd rather have extra tasty meat in smaller quantities.)

2) Beans. My family has not enjoyed beans at all, ever. Then, delightful Ms. McChesney, Tessa's PE teacher, started to teach the kids about the health benefits of beans, and Tessa came home absolutely indignant because I didn't cook beans and "they're healthy, you know!" Ryan is also opening up to certain types of beans, because he wants to be healthful, too. And they're so much better for the environment than meat. I know, I know, this recipe has chicken in it....but I've cut the meat by half, and we'll still get plenty of protein from the beans, and it is a huge step in the right direction.

3) Reduction of packaged things like chilis and tomatoes and stock. I've been a scratch-cook for some time (at least a decade), but I hadn't thought about cans and boxes a bit. I'm thinking of it now.

4) Every part of the food is, well, food. The inedible (to humans) bits make great compost (which gets converted back into edible food in our veggie garden), or worm food (which also returns to us in the veggie garden), or stock (those bones and broccoli ends). I used to throw a lot away that now finds an alternate use.

So I'm learning. With all of these changes, I don't find myself wanting the old stuff, and I'm learning how to cook in such a way that I don't add a lot of cooking time by going the long route. (Throw the stock ingredients in a pot before chopping the onion for the chili....by the time I want it, it will be ready. Of course, I'm making a quick stock, not a rich one, but I think I could manage that, too. It's just a different way of thinking.)

* My old crockpot died, because I accidentally killed it by pinching the cord between the hot pot and the crockery insert, causing it to melt and (briefly) flame. I didn't want to throw it in a landfill, so I called around to find a place to repair it. The cost of the repair would have been $20, which is $14 for labor and $6 for the new cord. The only problem is that it wasn't the greatest crockpot in the world, and I was able to get a brand new, nice one that came with a small "bonus" crockpot suitable for things like spinach dip, that had a better design than the first one, on sale for $27.99. For $8 difference, I got a major upgrade. I really wish it had been more cost effective to keep the old one, but I did get a new one. I saved the crockery insert and I'm planning on using it as a garden planter, at least. :-)

Monday mumbles

It was a good weekend, quiet in a lovely way. On Friday night we headed to see BobCat Bob at C&P, and again felt our good fortune at living where we do. On Saturday we again went to C&P - I hadn't been there in weeks and it was great to hang out - and laughed over the crossword puzzle, talked to friends, and drank buckets of coffee. Then it was gardening time, and we gardenend until we were hobbled. We did take-out for dinner - the first time in a long time - and got Buddha Ruksa Thai food, which was delicious. Sunday Ryan went for a ride while I did a few chores and Tessa did art, and then we all went to church where we got to hear Jim Scott (the composer of serveral UU hymns that I already knew) preach and play guitar and sing. Farmer's Market, more gardening, and then Michele, Dave, and kiddos for dinner.

See? A good weekend.

At the Farmer's Market they had organic starts, and I bought a little flat of veggies. It made me happy just to see them there - so exciting, because it means that spring really is here. I bought (and planted) three kinds of lettuce (12 plants total), two kinds of chard, yellow onions, cabbage, spinach (from seeds), fava beans (seeds), sugar snap peas (seeds), leeks and parsley (last year's parsley seeds didn't get past the slugs; I'm hoping that by doing starts this early, before the slugs really get going, they'll be thriving by warm slug season). These are all cool weather crops, and the entire side garden (last year's garden bed) is full! (There were already strawberries, raspberries, and garlic planted.) It' hard to believe that we've already put in the equivalent of last year's crop, and we've barely gotten started. Next weekend I have plans to put in potatoes in the back yard's raised bed, and if we can work through some of the soil from the new bed then I'm dying to get carrots in. (I actually would like to have a huge carrot section - some of them can overwinter and we eat tons of carrots, so they wouldn't go to waste; plus, they are the perfect children's vegetable, and all the kids who come over just love picking and then eating them).

Ryan has dug up about a quarter of our front lawn - I think of the section he's finished with as the tomato section, because it's the section with the least amount of shade and tomatoes love and need heat.

When I planned the garden in my head, it seemed like it was going to be so large that I could plant whatever I wanted. If only that were the case! Despite its growth, I'm going to have to be judicious in what I plant, because space IS limited. Fortunately, with what I'm learning about crop rotation, I can do some spring crops and then some fall crops in the same place in the garden, doubling the output....

So I'm happily puttering along. Frugal (well, there are start-up costs but in the end it definitely works out to our favor), very green, very healthy. I have aches and pains like I can't believe today but I'm proud of them because they mean I've been working my muscles, and I won't complain if I get some toning out of this.

Today is writing day. Tessa will be at school and then has a playdate, so I'll even get a chance to get in some exercise. Ahhhh.

And on that - I'm off! Time for the morning rush.

Missing: PhD in gardening

I have been studying up for the past couple of hours. Some of what I'm studying is a refresher course, and some of it feels brand new. After flipping through the Maritime Gardener guide put out by Seattle Tilth, and thumbing my organic gardening book, and reading the information on the seed packets, and drawing up charts of what I want to plant and what month it should be planted in....I'm overwhelmed. There is so much information to be had!

This is a far cry from digging up the soil, throwing in seeds, and watching them grow.

I'm currently studying about:
- compost and composting methods
- fertilizers
- lawn care (the back yard will remain a lawn, as we love to hang out there with friends and it's Tessa and Shep's play space)
- crop rotation
- cover crops
- irrigation (how ARE we going to water the whole front yard?)

I'm trying to do mostly heirloom, all organic gardening. I prefer perrenials to annuals because in this case I'm cheap and lazy. I want vibrant color (uh oh annuals are good for that) in my flowers, I want interesting textures, I want them to be low maintainance, I'd like native plants, drought resistant.....

I have a lot to learn.

I also have to figure out how to build the path through our new garden beds. Gravel? I'd love slate, but it's too expensive. Any suggestions for inexpensive (free would be good) pathways?

Gardening Season Begins!

It's official at our house: gardening season is here.

Of course, this means that it hurts to move right now, because half a day in the garden and I am fully aware of a) how much work it is, and b) how out of shape I am. Never mind, the more work I do, the better it becomes on both counts.

Ryan has begun turning the sod on the remainder of our front lawn, and is finding it more painstaking than he'd remembered, so it's going slower than he'd hoped, but we have genuine progress and I'm really excited about that. The first step is to dig a trench, then we add compost and a handful of fertilizer, and then he replaces the sod, but it's turned upside-down with at least six inches of dirt on top. He does this row by row until the yard is done, working in sections. It's hard going! This worked last year, though, and has many benefits, not least of which is that we don't have to pay to dispose of the "sod." ("Sod" instead of just sod because it's made up of a lot of weeds. This method worked on the equally weedy section on the other side of the walk last year.) It's all done by hand, so it's a good workout (ha!) and it doesn't create greenhouse gases. (Of course, I wouldn't mind if Ryan insisted on the rototiller, but he's insistent that he does it all himself, with just shovels and garden forks and a lot of labor.)

While Ryan was doing this, Tessa and I got busy weeding last year's garden patch, which is just dirt at this time of year. We discovered, though, that the garlic that didn't appear successful last year is thriving now, so we've got garlic in the ground. We separated it and replanted, and we're hoping that our attention didn't kill it. Our neighbor Charlie saw our work and offered us some of his raspberry canes, and we gratefully accepted them, too, and got them in the ground. We cleaned up old dead leaves, cut down an azelea that had died, and then weeded all around it (hmmm wonder if the weeds killed it?!) in preparation for planting flowers in that particular section.

And we worked on our compost - not "just" the worm bins, which we have more or less mastered, but the regular compost bin that sits, neglected, beside the compost. Fortunately for us, it had been neglected long enough to yield a couple of small yard waste bins worth of rich, clean compost in addition to a thick layer of brambles. The brambles were removed and placed in the yard waste where they belonged, and the compost took it's place in the garden.

To be continued....dinner time!

Post dinner...

The compost is strangely exciting to me, because it's another sign that I'm getting it. I'm trying to create the full circle (without waste) of food production, and the compost is comprised of lots of food scraps (and leaves etc.) that are being returned to the earth. This is how it seems like it is supposed to be. Instead of food bits being taken away by big trucks, they are being returned to the earth. The soil in the garden bed from last year looks rich and dark, and though we used commercial compost last year I can start to see how this all comes together. The earth is lush and loose, dark and sweet.

If I can get excited about soil, I can get excited about anything, I suppose. But I feel like I'm reconnecting with the earth, and with parts of nature. I'm working with nature, not against it, and I feel my place on the earth just a little bit more.

I put pansies (my Grandma Goddard's favorite flower) in pots on the porch, and tomorrow I hope to plant some veggies and flower seeds suitable for "early spring planting." We are not past the danger of frost - as evidenced by this morning's white crystals - but some things go well in the ground before frost.

I haven't mapped out the whole garden yet, but I will. Like the Obamas, I'm planting nasturcium and zinna borders, and I'll add in some marigolds, and some other things. I loved our sunflowers last year (though I placed them horribly; I'll do a better job of that this year). Our bulbs from years gone past are coming up; the crocuses are fading, the few remaining daffodils are bobbing their tight yellow heads, and the tulips are leafing. The lavendar looks old and solid, and I can't wait to inhale its scent. (And this year I'm going to dry some, too.)

Fertilize the lawn, cut back the ferns, learn about rhodie care (ours are looking sad)....

Spring must really be here. Hurrah!

White House Vegetable Garden!

They're really doing it! They really are!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/19/dining/19garden-web.html?hp

With war, financial chaos, and so much else going on in politics and the world, I am quite grateful that the Obama family is choosing to pay attention to this cause. Organic, healthy food - cheap! I hope that other Americans follow suit.

(I just finished one of Michael Pollan's early books, Second Nature, and per his advice signed up to receive a number of seed company catalogs. I'm a bit late to the game on that, but I look forward to planning which heirloom varieties to get.)

This weekend we'll break ground on the "new" garden - which means that Ryan will be doing some heavy labor. Tessa and I will tend the ground where the old garden was, pulling weeds, and MAYBE even finding some hardy peas and such to plant. It's garden time!

Tessa-isms

Warning: cute kid stories follow.

Tessa couldn't find Bear - that is, Special Bear, the one that Uncle Paul bought her when I was in labor with her, the one that she has slept with EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF HER LIFE - the other day. I wasn't concerned - he had to be somewhere close by, since she'd had him in bed the night before and we are careful not to take him anywhere he might get lost. So, I sent her back into her room to look harder. She looked, she didn't find. She looked more. She got worried, so I joined her in her looking. We started running out of places to look....

And Tessa started packing her bags, putting in small blankets and a pillow, along with other necessities. "What are you doing?" I asked. Tearfully, she responded, "I just can't stay here without Special Bear. I just can't stay." We talked it over further, and she explained how sad she was, and how she had to go. "But I'd miss you!" I told her. We agreed that she could go stay in the back yard, because then I could visit her. But before she could go, I said she had to clean her room.

She's six, so this seemed logical enough to her. We cleaned together.

And we found Special Bear. Fortunately, I am pleased to announce that Tessa still lives INSIDE our house.

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Tessa has started receiving regular allowance. We agreed that she would spend some, save some, and give some away (charity) each week, as we hope to teach her basic financial principles. I am proud to say that she chose "Guest At Your Table" for her first charity; she collected her dollars and then brought them to WSUU for distribution.
http://www.uusc.org/blog/2006/12/guest-at-your-table.html
She is thinking about donating to Family Promise (the homeless shelter we help out with) or "an animal charity" next.

I am very, very proud of the way my daughter so willingly, and excitedly, shares what she has to make the world a better place. I am even proud of the pride she has in this activity.
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Yesterday, Tessa and her friend Jessie worked very hard, and made Leprechaun Traps. The idea was to trap a leprachaun, be nice to him, then demand all of his gold. (They decided that the leprechaun could keep one piece, and they'd get the rest.) Tessa was very excited to check the traps, but alas, no leprechauns were to be found.
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Tessa is writing phonetically with greater and greater frequency. Hurrah! Sometimes it's darling - I enjoy reading her stories that begin "I lik to ryd hosis." (Say it, you'll hear what it is.) Right now, there is a sign on her door that reads "No pepl LD in vis roon." Not exactly friendly but I don't have the heart to erase it (it's in dry erase) yet. (The sign was written when a playdate brought along her younger, very active, sister.)
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We've been having daily tea parties, which basically consist of peppermint tea with lots of sugar and cream, poured out of my "nice" teapot and using pink china cups. What a pleasure.
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Tessa is doing more chores. She has learned to fold napkins (we use all cloth) like a pro, and takes pride in her work. Putting her pajamas in the hamper without reminding, well, that's not as fun....but she is helping around the house and proud of it.
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Tessa likes "Mamma Mia" and it's music even more than I do. I get the giggles when I hear her singing, "Honey honey, how you thrill me a-ha, honey, honey...."
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Tessa's going to whip me into shape....with jump roping. She's getting good! If I join her maybe my belly will stop jiggling. (sigh)
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And best of all (for me): Tessa has taken to telling me her own "special words." Some time during my cancer treatment, in the depths of the darkness, I came up with "special words" that I tell Tessa every night. It started because of sadness - I wanted to nail down the memory of how much I love her, so that if I died, she's have that memory to hold. I say, "Of all the girls, in all the world, I'm so glad that you belong to me and that I belong to you, because we belong together. I love you so much! Thank you for being my daughter." Tessa often replies, "I love you too, Mama. Thank you for being my mother," which I find awfully sweet. But in the last couple of weeks, she sweetened it even more. Tessa has her own version of "special words" and then she's been giving me (and Ryan, too) lists of things that she loves about us. My list included "I love you because you drive me to school," and "I love you because you tuck me in" and "I love you because you read me stories," and "I love you because you are kind and gentle and good" and "You're a perfect mama, Mama." (I cried a bit on that one. I am so far from perfect, but I want so deeply to be the best mama for her..... I am grateful that she forgives me my flaws.)
--------------
Shoes. What is it about this kid and putting on shoes?! It can take her 10 minutes to decide which ones, and 10 more minutes to put them on. This is leading to me shrieking like a crazy person....not my finest moments. (NOT perfect.) I am actually trying to build in time for shoe-putting-on in the mornings, because this is becoming a big deal. Deep breaths. She will grow out of this. Deep breaths....
--------------
Tessa's art is becoming more interesting and more creative, more filled with stories....
------------

I love my daughter deeply. I pray that I am around to tell her even when SHE is old, and I'm just a little old wrinkled thing of a woman. I am blessed with an amazing child.

Writer Day

On Monday I did not stick to the writing schedule, because I had a girl at home, sick. Today, after a brief "Sound Partners" training at Alki (to learn tutoring techniques for my volunteer time in the classroom), Shep and I will get a little exercise, and then it's write, write, write.

Yawn. Even though I'm having a hard time waking up today - the morning aches and pains (**** Aromasin) are getting worse by the day, I swear - I'm determined to get in some exercise. Maybe it will loosen up my knees. (Maybe it will help my jeans to zip.)

More Craigslist free

Today I got a free haircut at Seven - a salon in Pacific Place. (They needed a hair model for a long layered cut with straight hair. Hey, that's me!)

Really, check out Craigslist Free. Good stuff.

Craigslist Free

I love Craigslist Free.

Tonight I picked up a few boxes of women's clothing, size small (some fits me now....some will have to wait until I run off some weight). Tomorrow morning I'm picking up a bookcase to put in our attic for storage.

Free is good - check it out!

23 years of friendship

Carolyn and I met in highschool, when I was five years old (as you can see, I'm 29).

Okay, we did meet in high school, but today is Carolyn's 40th birthday and my 40th isn't that far away, either. And despite the fact that I can barely remember what it felt like to be 29 - the year I got married! - I am glad to be approaching 40. I predict good things for our 40s....good things indeed.

So today, I'm sending so much love down to California, where I'm hoping that Carolyn is having a wonderful time celebrating with friends and family, and that she's feeling the love that I'm sending her way. I hope that 40 brings light, laughter, promise, joy, and love to Carolyn's life. I hope that some of her burdens ease, and that her laughter is tenfold. I hope that she continues to find great health, and that those she loves are able to hold on to health. I hope that her struggles are small, that her joys are large. I hope for at LEAST another 23 years of friendship (but more, I hope for about 60 years of friendship, though I'd settle for 55).

I love you, Carolyn. You have been there for me, through thick and thin, since I moved to Woodinville in 1987. I love you dearly, and can't imagine my life without you in it. The miles are long when lives are busy and full, but not a day goes by that I don't think of you, even though we don't talk as much as we'd like.

Some times in our lives,
we all have pain,
we all have sorrow,
but if we are wise
we know that there's
always tomorrow....

Lean on me,
when you're not strong,
I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on...

I have leaned on Carolyn many times. Carolyn is stronger than I am, but I am there for her, too.

Happy birthday, my dear friend.

Green Bathrooms

I don't blog consistently about anything (there is a message in there somewhere...hmmm) but I keep trying to be green and to get greener. This post is about greening up your bathroom - that is, removing toxins from the bathroom and replacing them with products that are good for the earth, good for your body, and (because I want to be frugal) won't break the bank.

Cleaning:
The cleaning products that I use in the rest of the house get used in the bathroom, too.

• A water and vinegar mix cleans up all kinds of things;
• I also use Trader Joe's all purpose cleaner (which is touted as biodegradable, etc., and comes in under $4 as I recall).
• I cleaned the tub yesterday with baking soda - I buy a giant bag now, in addition to the little box that I keep in the cupboard for baking. It did a good job on that nasty ring that develops after one really playful little girl has spent some time running around the back yard with no shoes on in the winter, scooping up piles of sticks and leaves, and then hugging the dog. (You get the picture.)
• Meyer's glass cleaner does a decent job. Not my favorite, but decent.
• Seventh Generation toilet bowl cleaner.
• Trader Joe's Next to Godliness Air Freshener: uses essential oils, non-aerosol, cheap, lasts a long time (a little goes a long way)

I try to clean with rags when possible, not paper towels, and I don't use disposable cleaning stuff like Swiffer products or those things that substitute for old fashioned toilet bowl brushes. (And the water in my toilet is water, not blue chemicals.)

Even more importantly is what we put on our bodies. Did you know that common ingredients in shampoos are linked to cancer, or are endocrine disrupters? To get information about safety in cosmetics (defined as anything we put on our skin) I visit the Environmental Working Group website; they have a cosmetics safety database that you can visit at:

http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/

It's really easy to use. All you do is type in the name of the product you want to check on, and it gives you a score of 0-9, where 0 is very safe and 9 is toxic. You can look at ingredients lists and see why the score was given, or you can take it at face value...you decide.

Using this database, we discovered that Ryan's favorite hair product - Nexxus Humectrus - received a toxic score of 9. Twenty-five years of putting toxins next to his brain....my poor dear. Time to find a new product, needless to say! We also discovered that the tried-and-true Johnson & Johnson's baby wash received a score of 4, a "moderate" score, but pointed out the warning "Keep away from young children." Ack! Other J&J baby products (we used several) got nasty scores of 7; so did Baby Magic and other baby products. I'm so sad that I used these "gentle" products with the belief that they were best, but I was wrong.

But enough of what doesn't work: here is what is working for me right now.

Deodorant: Tom's of Maine lavendar; score =2. (I was using the honeysuckle rose scent, and it was a score of 4. What?! Anyway, switching back to lavendar was no big deal.)

Toothpaste: Tom's of Maine spearmint (Ryan and I) and strawberry (Tessa); score = 3. When our current tubes run out we're going to try Burt's Bees toothpastes (they have adult and kid versions); score = 1.

Shampoo & Conditioner: I have tried Alba and Jason products, but they scored in the 5 range, so we have switched again, this time to Burt's Bees. Guess what? I made a mistake. I went in to the store to buy the grapefruit and sugar beet shampoo and conditioner (score = 2), and they didn't stock it, but they had raspberry and brazil nut shampoo and conditioner, so I picked that instead. ARGH! Grapefruit score = 1; Raspberry score = 4. You've gotta be kidding me....but there it is.

Are you getting the message that scent changes everything? Same product, different flavor....different score.

Soap (for shower): Kiss My Face pure olive oil soap; score = 0. Note: add fragrance and the score goes up to 4. Plain is good.

Hand Soap: Pears. Except it's not in the database. Anyone have info on this one? It's a glycerine soap (good).... A note on hand soap: bar soaps come in cardboard boxes; liquid soaps come in plastic containers. Bar soaps are better!

Lip Balm: Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm; score = 2; for color I've been using Alba but it gets a 3 or 4 depending on color

Sunscreen (well, I keep mine in the bathroom): Alba Botanical Minerals SPF 18; score = 2. However, not all Alba products score this well, and one of the children's sunscreens that we had scored a nasty 7. Ugh! Kiss My Face sunscreens (which I had opportunity to sample thanks to the generousity of their VP who read a previous blog entry in which I complained about them) score well, and I like them: Kiss My Face 100% Paraben Free Sunscreen with Oat Protein SPF 30; score =2. Their Face Factor Paraben Free SPF 30 also scores a 2.

For face lotion I haven't found one I'm in love with. I've tried Jason and Alba; these were to get away from the Neutrogena products that I'd loved for years but scored 4-7 (remember, one small change to the formula and the whole score can change). I'd like to try Burt's Bees unscented shea butter body and face lotion (score = 2) but I'm looking for recommendations.

Acne treatment: Dessert Essence Tea Tree Oil; score = 0. (available at Trader Joe's)

Facial Wash: Dessert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash with Tea Tree Oil and Awapuhi; score = 0 (available at Trader Joe's)

For scrubbing my body I stopped using a plastic "pouf" and switched to loofahs. The pouf will sit in a landfill forever; the loufah is a natural sponge and will biodegrade. (I wonder if I could put it in my compost when it starts falling apart, if I ran it through the dishwasher first?)

Anyway, there is a post I wish I'd found earlier in my process to point me in the right direction, because there is a lot of trial and error and I'm not willing to spend a lot of money so if I buy something I need to use it up unless it's really bad. Maybe this will help someone - and maybe people can add comments about products that they have found that do the trick, aren't tough on the pocketbook, and are kind to bodies and earth....

And remember, it's important to look it up if you're trying a new scent or formulation, because a small name change can signify a totally different health perspective.

PHEW! That took longer than I expected it would.

Refinance

Hurrah - we're all done except the final signing, and that should happen tomorrow!

4.875% on a 30 year fixed means that our mortgage payment falls and our debt snowball goes even faster. We'll take the difference between what we paid before and the new mortgage payment and apply it to debt, moving up the date when we can say "We're debt free!"

I really want to be debt free. Really, really. And this will make it easier.

If anybody wants a referral to a mortgage guy, I'll pass along the number. We're pleased with the rate and the fees, and the process has been relatively painless (okay, we did have to put together 31 pages to fax, but that's just how it goes.....nobody is taking any chances and we had to prove just about everything we said with a couple years of W2s, insurance papers, checking account statements, and the like). It lowers our payment by $200 - hurrah!

And due to some weird thing, we skip a mortgage payment as a result of the refi, and that money will get applied to our porch, which is in dire need of replacement. I wish we could do it for cosmetic purposes, but we just need it to be done so that it's not rotten. River rock columns will happen some other time, but right now we just need it to be safe. (Hopefully it will be prettier, too. The porch is the face of the house and it could use a little facelift.)

Monday - better?

Tessa woke up today and appears to be feeling much better than last night. I won't risk it and send her to school because yesterday she didn't eat dinner and went to bed shivering (we piled on blankets and gave her a hot water bottle to snuggle) and I don't want her to take a turn for the worse while she's at school....but my fingers are crossed that we have crossed the line and that we're back on the way to wellness at this house.

Today is writing day for the book....that will get bumped to tomorrow. Today will be filled with reading and small chores around the house, I guess. Quiet days, and I don't mind that if Tessa's feeling better.

Quiet Sunday

We've been having a family snuggle this Sunday morning - all five of us have been perched in our queen bed, Ryan and I flanking Tessa and the animals curled up at our feet, as we watch the snow (yes, snow) falling outside the window. Simple pleasures - togetherness, warmth, morning chit chat....and lots of coffee, of course.

Tessa had a pretty restful night after the horribleness of the evening - I guess her body had something to get rid of and once she tossed her cookies she appeared to feel a bit better. It's now 9:36 and she's dressed, had a small breakfast (a few bites of oatmeal - we don't want to push it), and she has fallen asleep again, lying here next to me. Poor kid - I really wish she could shake this awful bug.

Ryan's a bit sad because he had planned a group ride this morning (some organized ride whose name I've already forgotten) and he'd prepped his bike and gear last night....let's just say that waking to snow was NOT his idea of a good time.

So Ryan's taking an hour at the coffee shop, and I'll take a few hours to myself later today, and Tessa will snuggle with either or both of us, and we'll read books and watch movies and cross our fingers that there will be no more throwing up and that she will quickly mend.

Okay, that's gross

Tessa's bug has grown to include vomiting.

I'll spare you the details, but nobody is happy about it. Our poor girl!

Back to the doctor

Yesterday at about 4pm Tessa started saying "Mommy, I don't feel well." She fell asleep at dinner.

She's asleep right now, actually.

We went to the doctor again today and she got an influenze test - negative. The doctor (this is twice in one week) said that she's caught yet another bug, despite the fact that she was on antibiotics. Since the azithromycin (sp?) stays in her system for 10 days (today is day 5) the doc didn't want to double up.....so we're in wait and see mode. If she worsens, or is still feverish on Monday, back to the doc we go.

No hanging out with friends. No church tomorrow. Sad!

I hate it when she's sick and I'm powerless to help her feel better. I can buy her a treat from Bakery Nouveau, I can take her to the doctor, I can read her stories, I can clean her room (quite a project!) while she rests in bed and watches me....but I can't make her feel better.

6,6,1,1

I am not happy with my care of self these days. When I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection, I think "is that me?" because I had gotten used to a slender self. These days, lumps and bumps are back. I can get into my pants....but it hurts. Things are hard to zip. I'm limited to a much smaller section of my wardrobe. And I'm not happy about it.

I'm having horrible, horrible hot flashes at night these days, too, and I wonder if it's related. And I have such low energy....and I'm so tired.

And yet, I just don't feel up to doing Weight Watchers. It doesn't feel right - or is that an excuse? I don't want to be food-centric, and I don't want to feel like I'm dieting. (I know, it's a lifestyle, not a diet. But it felt like dieting.)

So I've come up with a plan; one that has been fermenting in my mind for a while, and this is it:
6 fruits or vegetables per day
6am alarm
1 treat per day
1 outdoor activity per day

Here's my logic. If I eat fruits and vegetables in quantity, I'll be filling up on them instead of filling up on other (less healthy) items. And I get a treat - but just one, because some days I've had more than one and I can see where that got me. So, a piece of chocolate, or a dessert, or a glass of wine.....wine treat per day. And I must get up earlier, despite the fact that it's harder than just about anything, because if I start my day caught-up rather than rushing, I think I'll have a head start. Plus, that will give me some time to occassionally do a workout video or walk Shep before the day really gets going. And the outdoor activity? Well, the more time I spend outdoors the more active I am, and the better I feel.

So that's it: 6, 6, 1, 1. I'll have to pay attention to what I eat, but hopefully I won't have to obsess to see results. Time will tell, but today I tried and it was successful: just to get in veggies, I made a late afternoon snack (which I always end up eating anyway) of hummus and carrots. I put the snack dish on the island in the kitchen, and I found Tessa happily snacking away, too....for which I am glad. So, I had berries in my oatmeal, double portion of veggies in vegetable soup, apple, carrots, and green beans. I walked Shep at Alki. I'm about to have a chocolate dessert and enjoy every bite.

The 6am thing I'll try tomorrow, and dread it.....but I like the idea of being less rushed in the morning.

(Tessa went back to school today; she's feeling much better. Hallelujah antibiotics!)

Not romantic

I have romantic versions of things. (No surprise to those who know me.)

I read a book by Alexandra Stoddard years ago that said that if you felt yourself coming down with a bug, it would be a good idea to stop at the store and pick up your favorite magazines, tea, and fresh flowers for yourself. Before you crawled into bed, you should change your sheets and put on your favorite pajamas, put out the flowers, and make the tea. Then, revel in the downtime. Take care of yourself, and enjoy yourself despite the illness.

I like this. I liked it then, and I like it now. It doesn't fix things, and it doesn't cure illness, but it does help in general.

Today Tessa is feeling crummy, and tonight she's feeling even crummier. She took a nap this afternoon, and we know that really means something for our active girl. She is beside herself, she feels so blue. It's not romantic, not at all. I can soothe her, give her medicine, read to her (not enough....sigh), watch Mamma Mia with her, snuggle with her, play with her bear with her....but it's not enough. She just wants to feel better.

Even though this is just a little illness - probably a sinus infection - and not life threatening, I feel so protective of my sweet daughter. I did enjoy our time together today, and the slowness of it all....but it's not enough. I want her well, and I want her well NOW.

Frugal/healthy/green/easy?!

Okay, I have one tip that falls into the frugal, healthy, AND green categories....and this one doesn't require excess time or patience.

Home made stock (broth).

Anyone who cooks with fresh vegetables knows that there are lots of 'unusable' bits - the top of the carrot, the bottom of the celery, the stems of the herbs, vegetable peel (potato, sweet potato, squash, carrot, etc.) In the past, I've put these items solely into my worm bin or compost....which is good, but I can go one better.

Now I have a bag in my freezer that I save scraps for, including chicken bones. I peel carrots and put vegetable scraps into a bowl on the counter, and then when I'm done, I dump it into my freezer bag. When the bag is full, I'm ready to make stock.

So - next time you're making soup....

To make this easy-peasy stock, you simply saute an onion and maybe some carrots in olive oil. Then, while they're cooking, begin making your soup. You'll probably end up with some vegetable scraps as you prep the soup, so save them, too. When the onion is sauteed, add your vegetable scraps and saute a little more (maybe five minutes). As they saute, keep prepping your soup.

Add water to cover, and a liberal dose of salt, and a handful of whatever fresh herbs you have around that suit you (parsley is good in just about everything, but not the dry flakes that add little specks of color but not much else). Keep this simmering for about 20 minutes. At the end of 20 minutes, use a slotted spoon or a colander to remove the veggies and chicken bones. The liquid that is left is your broth - voila!

No waste. Healthy. Prevents another container from going into a landfill. And all from ingredients on hand!

YES it's easy. I promise. (If you are a cook. If you eat at McDonald's most nights, then I agree, this isn't for you.)

Can it last?

I've read a few articles lately about the frugality brought about by the recent economic downturn that have said, basically, that as soon as people have money back in their pockets, they will return to their old ways.

It does bear asking, of course. As a nation, I truly wonder where we're headed...but as an individual, I wonder even more so.

I make no mistake: frugal living is hard, often boring, and a LOT of hard work. Think that I don't know how much easier it is to just buy the tub of hummus instead of soaking beans overnight, then using them the next day, peeling garlic, squeezing lemons, etc? It takes twice as long on the bus to get downtown - but then you don't have to pay for parking (or wear and tear on the car, etc.). Getting movies and books and CDs from the library means that I have to wait until my turn, and that I have to return them sometimes before I'm done, and I can't keep them for later reference. It is a lot easier to go to an expensive resturant for a nice date than to come up with some creative low cost option; it is much simpler to shop for the perfect pair of pants at stores that carry one of everything in each size (instead of a "take it or leave it" that you get at thrift stores).

And I really wish I could spend more money on gifts for people. I'd really like to be able to do that, more than I can say.

And travel. I do love travel, even budget travel, but right now travel is completely off the table.

But here is the thing....

I actually believe that I can keep this up. Of course, it would be nice to not be SO frugal, but I still want to take what I'm learning and keep applying it. I think that my life is better for frugality, and I am grateful for that.

For instance?

I am living according to my values, and that is such a burden lifted. I don't feel guilt over woulda-shoulda-coulda for financial stuff, because I'm on a path and I'm staying there (imperfectly, but still...).

Time I used to spend shopping with girlfriends is now spent just talking to girlfriends.

I'm eating healthier food: junk food is out, resturants are out, I'm eating more grains and less meat.

I'm learning the difference between wants and needs.

But I just want to maintain the stability that frugality gives. I want to live below my means so that I can sleep at night.

I want to focus on what matters in my life. I want to focus on family, friends, health. I want to read, I want to spend time outdoors. I want to work hard at my spirituality, making it a central part of my life and not something peripheral.

Sure, you can do all of these things and spend a ton of money....but I think that spending beyond ones means ultimately leads people away from their "real" goals, not towards them.

I'm learning.

Frugality on the NYT

http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/

Frugality is all the rage now, of course, and the NYT says so. I found the comments following the article as interesting as the article itself - why not check it out and add your own $0.02?

(I'm #209.)

Alternate plans

At about 1am, that cough that has followed Tessa for weeks caught up with her. It came with hacking, a fever, aches and a headache. Poor kid! We soothed her, gave her coughdrops, brought her into our bed....

I am exhausted. Tessa is faring better today - at home, of course - but Ryan and I are only alive due to the miracle of coffee.

I brought Tessa to the doctor today, and she agreed that it was time for antibiotics. Tessa took her first dose today, and we should have a full recovery by Monday. If not, back to the doc we go.

So now we're home, and Mamma Mia is on (Tessa loves it as much as I do), we're drinking peppermint tea (milk and sugar for Tessa; plain for me), we've stocked up on Ricola cough drops and tissues (in the pink floral box, of course), and all is well for the moment.

Frugality and Ohhhh I want that!

So, some days, being frugal is easy. I am smug as I soak my beans overnight in preparation for use the next day; I smile to myself as I smell bread baking. I carpool, and I enjoy the conversation it provides. I go to the library and I don't have to limit myself, not even a little bit, and I just read books, books, and more books. I sit in my comfortable home, and I soak up the beauty of candles, books, sunlight (or, in the case of today, a snowstorm) through the windows, and I think "how lucky I am."

And some days, I think 'blah blah blah ENOUGH already!'

Guess which kind of day today is?

Today, I've had enough of reminding myself that I have enough. I don't want to be a creative cook, I want to go out for dinner (made it through that hurdle, and I did feed the family a home cooked meal). I do not want to save money to build a porch in a frugal way, I want to hire someone to do it NOW and just the way I want it, not cutting corners. And the list goes on, and on, and on.

Today, the frugal plan looks like it's going to take a very, very long time, and I'm sick and tired of it.

I promised you honesty, didn't I? Well, this is as honest as it gets.

I will get through it. I will shift my mindset. I will hunker down and do what needs doing.

But just for today, I say "bah humbug!"

Monday musings

First, in the news:
http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/portrait-of-shakespeare-unveiled-399-years-late/?hp
I really wish that all news was more like this. A portrait of Shakespeare painted in his lifetime? Now that's something I can get excited about. I find it significantly harder to get excited about bail-outs, crime, unemployment, and the like. We live in interesting times.

We did have a good weekend, though it was perhaps too busy. Time was spent with friends, I did some cooking, Tessa had playdates, and we even got some chores done around the house.

It's funny to me how the little chores just make my life so much more pleasant. Ryan hung a cabinet (removed from the kitchenette downstairs) in the laundry room, and the whole laundry room is brighter as a result. I cleaned up the attic, and we're creating a meditation room up there....and I just love it.

Sometimes, physical housecleaning leads to mental housecleaning, and that is the best part. A friend was in need, and so I sent off a giant box of prosthetic breasts and bras with pockets in them. I did it to help her, but suddenly I feel a burden lifted from myself, as well. Why was I holding on to them? Was I just waiting to need them again? Well, whatever the reason, I am so grateful to have them OUT OF MY LIFE. I'm enjoying putting my house in order, both because I enjoy the orderliness of the aesthetics, but mostly because it clears my mind.

Today I'm feeling cluttered and disjointed, but I'm working through it. I received a number of materials on Hunts Point to go through, and I'm doing that. I've got laundry going. I'm working on the book instead of finishing up the attic project.....

Speaking of disjointed, this blog post is disjointed. I'll sign off, then, and blog for real some other time.

Happy Monday, everyone!

Introverts, Extroverts, and Extraverts

I've been reading a book about mothering styles and how to use them and understand them in order to communicate better with your child (and others). The first step, of course, is to find out what mothering style you have naturally, and then go from there.

Much of what is in the book makes me simply mm hmm in agreement. But one idea has blown my mind - I feel like it opened up an entirely new idea of myself, one that I have to chew on.

The book explains the difference between introverts, extroverts, and extraverts. An extrovert is someone gregarious, outgoing and sociable. I have long considered myself to be an extrovert, and by this definition, the book changes nothing.

But it goes on.

The book tells me that the way to tell the difference between an introvert and an extravert (Myers-Briggs talk) is not how they spend their days, or how well they interact with others, or how social they are. The REAL way is to look at how people gain energy. At the end of a long day, do they seek people out (extravert) or do they retreat to calm and solitude (intravert)?

Oh my.

It's true that I am an extrovert, but I am not an extravert. I am an intravert.

This blows my mind.

If you know me, you're probably thinking I've got it all wrong. You might be thinking, "Come ON. You're one of the most loudmouth talkers I've ever met. You are totally social. You've always got people coming in and out of your house, and you're so....public about everything. NO WAY are you an introvert!"

Well, let me let you in on a secret.

I have to work really, really hard at being an extrovert. It does NOT come naturally, it's something I've cultured within myself, and worked on, pretty much every single day. It was a series of attributes that I admired, and so I worked to learn them, and to apply them to myself. I think that I have excelled in this learning. I am quite good at being an extrovert.

But the thing is, it completely exhausts me.

At the end of the day, I don't want to talk to ANYONE. I can't return phone calls, or email. I want to read books. I want to write in my journal. I don't want to say a word.

When I have a houseful of children, the chaos makes my head rattle. I love it, but at the end, I need to go somewhere warm and dark and quiet and not talk to anybody for a couple of hours.

And the older I get, the less I want to host so many big events. I love those times when we have another family over for dinner, or perhaps 2-4 people, to join us at the table. But I'm getting to a point where I only want to have the big groups at Christmas and Thanksgiving, not year round.

Is this a sign of getting old? Or am I just identifying my true self?

I have a lot of thinking to do on this, and I'm not settled into the idea at all, but my mind has opened immensely. I may be an introvert in extrovert's clothing. Well whaddayaknow.

(And even if I'm not a classic introvert, I will say that I used to think myself way off the end of the extravert continuum. I'm definitely closer to the middle than I'd once believed.)

This new idea opens up many other ideas for myself - about how to spend time, about how I schedule myself, and more.

Tessa is much like me. Yesterday, PEPS was over, and it was lovely noise and playing and talking. But when everyone left, Tessa and I curled up together on the couch and didn't talk at all. For an hour. And the only thing that made me get up was that dinner needed to be made. It wasn't that I was tired from activity - I hadn't done much - but just being with all those people made me tired. I do much better one on one.

(NOT complaining. And I'll do it again, and love it. I'm just reflecting on perceptions.)

I need to not book so much back to back. The joy of just snuggling on the couch with nothing to do was....bliss. The quiet was bliss. The going inside my own head was bliss.

I could use more bliss, and that's my whole point.

Lots to think about.

My bedtime story

Tessa read to me tonight, and I was just SHOCKED at how much she's been improving. We hadn't read together in a week or so (bad Mama!), and today she blew me away.

Poor Old Polly by June Meiser and Joy Cowley

Old Polly found a frog;
she swapped it for a dog.
The dog wouldn't bark; she swapped it
for a shark. The shark looked too savage;
she swapped it for a cabbage.
The cabbage was too big;
she swapped it for a pig.
The pig got too bony;
she swapped it for a pony.
The pony wouldn't trot;
she swapped it for a pot.
The pot wouldn't cook;
she swapped it for a book.
The book had no pictures;
She swapped it for some britches.
The britches were too loose;
she swapped them for a goose.
The goose gave her a bite...
and flew off, out of sight.
Poor old Polly!

This is the best bedtime story I've had in years. Tessa got all the words by herself, including "wouldn't," without my help. (She did need help with savage and britches - she sounded them out but didn't know what they meant.)

Tessa and I agree that Polly was a fool to trade in a pony, whether it would trot or not.

I'm so proud of my girl!

Butt glue

If you wish to be a writer, write. (Epictetus)

Easier said than done, in my small experience. It is so easy to dream of writing, to craft sentences in one's head, to look at a scene and decide what details to include and what details to omit as one drinks a coffee in a cafe.

Easy to scoff at the local paper's writing style, knowing deeply that if I wrote that article, it would be much better.

Easy to read the magazine article and think, "I could do that!"

Much, much harder to sit down with pen, paper, and laptop and put my own words on paper.

The problem is this: for about 20 years, I have identified myself as a writer. I have "known" that it is what I am meant to do. I have read, I have dreamed, and I have decided that it is my destiny to write, and maybe even to write something good. I have internalized the dialogue that says that this is a part of my identity, and I hold it near and dear to my heart. I play the part well, listening to podcasts on writing, reading articles on writing, checking out books on everything under the sun from the library, filling my home with books (every room).

And that means that I have an awful lot tied up into this idea, and that the risk of failure is high. If I write poorly, it doesn't mean that I just didn't write something well, it means that my dream disappears, it means that I don't know who I am, it means that I am a failure.

All because someone might read a paragraph and think "Whatever."

Since my last surgery, I feel that I have a new life - a post-Cancerland life - and I had vowed to myself to work on my writing, and to make it a priority. I was impossibly behind on the Hunts Point book, and it was time to get moving, and to put out or shut up. (What an awful expression.) I decided that the time was NOW. The life I've dreamed of, not the cancer life I suffered through. Now.

How terribly frightening. It made me feel small and insecure. VERY insecure.

My friend Lori writes (hi, Lori) and I asked her the secret to her success with writing. She answered without skipping a beat: Butt glue. Butt glue? Yes. You sit down in your designated writing area, and you don't get up until you're done (with the paragraph, the essay, the chapter....or the allotted time schedule). If you have nothing to say, you stare at your computer screen and think of what you might say. If you get out a word, or ten pages, you just stay there. Eventually, Lori told me, something will happen - you will write out of the desperation to get moving, or out of boredom, or if you're really lucky, out of some true inspiration. And once you start writing, the writing will feed more writing.

So this weekend, I applied butt glue and I sat down. I felt nauseaus, but I did it anyway.

I stared.

I opened up a couple of web sites to browse....and then I shut them down. I checked email, reminded myself not to, and closed Outlook. I pulled up a dreaded white page.

I wrote a paragraph and erased it maybe 25 times.

But finally, some words came. I found myself looking at my thesaurus (I still like my paper one even though I know it's all online). Cutting and pasting, backspacing and typing....

I settled on a draft ready to print, ready to share.

I didn't sleep very well last night for fear that when I shared it, I would be advised to become a plumber, not a writer.

This morning, I nervously drove across the bridge to present my work. I sat in front of my employer wearing my writer clothes: nice jeans, work appropriate heels, a black cashmere sweater, and an eggplant corduroy jacket. I felt like I was donning a costume (all that was missing were the leather elbow patches)....I felt like my boss might see right through me.

He read what I wrote. He got to the paragraph that I struggled with, and I watched him reading, pen in his hand, and I had to use butt glue to keep myself in the room.

And he loved it.

Oh, thank you for small miracles. I am so grateful that I got this response, because maybe I can use it for my next round of butt glue.

I'm a writer!

Today's Monday: writing day. Wish me well - because despite this morning's succcess, I already find myself in need of some butt glue.

PS I can't say "butt glue" in front of Tessa, because "butt" is on the list of words we don't say in our family. If she catches me saying it, I'll owe her a quarter. This is just between you and I - because she doesn't read my blog!

The way Sundays ought to be

This morning I woke up early, stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee, then went back to bed to continue reading my fabulous book ("Food Matters" by Mark Bittman). I read and drank coffee for some time before catching a glance at the clock, and then went back to the kitchen to make soup.

Today was the RE luncheon at church - a fundraiser for RE staffing. I made Shannon's recipe (which she got online at http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Curried-Butternut-Squash-Bisque-237088 if you'd like to make it for yourself - I love it); she made it for our family when I was laid up from surgery, and my family liked it so much that this is the second time I made it since then. (We substitute milk for the whipped cream, FYI. And Tessa is a BIG fan of honey drizzled on top.) I'd baked the squash last night, so this morning I chopped apple, onion, and carrots, and then sent Tessa to Sarah & Steven's yard for a couple of fresh bay leaves since we were out. (Note to self: plant bay tree?)

Showered, soup packed up, we headed to church, and heard an interesting, thought provoking service about the problems of earth and humanity and what are individual responsibilities are to address those problems. (We also got a book recommendation: David Korten's "The Great Turning: From Empire to Earth Community" which I will be ordering from the library.) After services, the usual catching up with friends, and the soup lunch. (My family ate the soup we brought, which is silly, but we'd been smelling it all morning and all of us had developed a craving as a result.)

Then, the farmer's market, which is always lovely, but I have to moan and complain anyway.... I am READY FOR NEW FOOD. I have been doing a pretty decent job of preparing and eating seasonal local food, and I am sick of winter food. I don't want apples and beans and squash and root vegetables and kale, I want berries and tomatoes and lettuces. May or June, when the selection will be great again, is seeming very, very far away, but I'm trying to hold on....

On the menu this week:
- curried squash bisque
- stuffed acorn squash
- spaghetti with farmer's market ground beef (and the last tomatoes from our freezer)
- lentil soup with chicken
- curried chicken over rice (made with yogurt, new recipe that sounds yummy)
....and two more things because the week has 7 days but I haven't figured them out yet. And we will be eating spinach salad because we have a lot of spinach and my family likes it fresh, not cooked, most of the time. And lots and lots of carrots. And potatoes. And everything seems to have onions in it, or garlic.

(Disclaimer: we still eat a lot of bananas. Even organic, they are cheap, readily available, portable, delicious, and healthy. I'm sorry that they're not local, but we love them.)

And now I'm about to get in a couple more hours working on the book, Tessa is at Anna's for a playdate, and Ryan's at the coffee shop doing some reading and socializing. Tonight after dinner we've promised Tessa a game night ("Go Fish" is a new favorite).

I think that perhaps this is the ideal Sunday in many ways. Our needs are met, our home is warm, our friends are close by. How lucky we are, no matter what I moan about.

Eight hour day

Hey, I just worked for 8 hours solid. That's new!

Well, I work hard almost all the time...but this time it was work in the traditional sense, not in the Mama homemaker sense.

Nice.

Worker bee writer girl

Today I am hard at work on the Hunts Point book. I'm making progress, and I've had some flow today - though I can feel my brain frying at this time, because I've been at it since about 9am and haven't taken a break.

I am a writer. I will write. Contributing to my family's bottom line is excellent, too...

In any case, I digress.

I've spent some time looking at the early history of Hunts Point, which of course begins with the local Native American tribes. The tribe that owned the land of Hunts Point was the Sammamish, which was then more or less assimilated into the Duwamish tribe as white settlers swept in and claimed ownership of the land that the United States Government granted them.

It's an awfully sad story, and one that has been told before.

What I wasn't expecting, as I played historian, was this passage:
Some Duwamishes did settle on the Muckleshoot [reservation]. In 1893 a large group, avoiding confinement, gathered on Ballast Island in Seattle after whites had burned them out of their homes in west Seattle.
A Guide to the Indian Tribes of the Pacific Northwest, Robert H. Ruby and John A. Brown, University of Oklahoma Press, c. 1992, p. 72

I love West Seattle. I love my home here. I am white.

I had nothing to do with the burnings mentioned, but as I read that passage, I felt deeply ashamed.

I do not understand the world we live in.

I am humbled by this passage, somehow. I am determined to live my life in a way somehow absolutely opposite of that passage.

No, the guilt does not belong to me - I wasn't born, and my ancestors weren't even involved (in that year, some were in Germany, and some were in England, and some were in Canada) in the remotest way to that passage.

I think that my shame is for the human race, that we allow such things to happen.

Cough cough

Ahem. Ka kakaka.

That is the sound of me clearing my throat and coughing. Bah humbug. The cold that hit Tessa a couple weeks ago went to Ryan, and now it's solidly in me. Yuck.

We woke up to snow, so Tessa got to sleep in a bit before heading to school, as there was a two hour delayed start. I can't believe how much snow we've had this year! It feels crazy.

I have spent half the morning coughing, and the other half of the morning I've been working on getting a better rate on our mortgage. I think that we've settled on a lender, and we are really happy with the prospect of saving $200 per month. That is a lot of money! Especially, when you consider that it's "free" money - aside from a few hours of phone calls and paperwork, we will save $200/month for the next thirty years. (Actually, once we're debt free, we'd like to apply that to principle on the loan and pay off our house sooner, but that's just a dream right now.) If your house is above water (worth more than you paid for it) and you haven't examined refinancing in a while, this is a great time to refinance. I can't believe how low rates are; when we bought our house we thought we had a great rate, but it's much better now.

Speaking of our house, I'm trying to make our house nicer and nicer by getting rid of things. I'm reading about small houses, simplicity, living with less, and all kinds of related topics, with the goal of reducing the clutter around us and living with those things that are beautiful and useful, while getting rid of the rest.

For me, this becomes a bit of spiritual cleansing, as much as it is a physical cleaning. I can't work well in a cluttered space; I swear that I don't sleep as well with a basket of laundry in the room as I do in a tidy room. I'm going room by room and trying to organize drawers, clothes, closets, countertops, books, and bins. We figured out a good paperwork system (so far so good!), and we got the office into good working space with freed workspaces....and I'm really trying just to live my best life by doing these small tasks. This doesn't come easily to me, and I'm realizing that I'm more of a packrat than I previously thought. Still, uncluttered shelves soothe me more than having them overflowing with books....so I'm working on it.

My head is cluttered with the fogginess of not feeling well, so I'll end there. I'll be fine....just no fun for the moment.

Thursday

It is a winter wonderland outside - it snowed last night! There is an inch or so of snow everywhere, and school is delayed by two hours. I'm glad; Tessa was coughing last night and she was restless (which means that I was, too, as we can hear her from our room) and she's still sleeping now.

And I feel crummy as well - a slightly upset stomach and a scratchy throat and cough. Wah, wah, wah. We have plans to have a couple friends over for dinner (chicken curry) and then Michele, Lori and I are doing our regular writing group afterwards...I want to be "up" for that. Here's hoping that the morning scratchies don't get worse.

Yesterday, in addition to working on the Hunts Point book (momentum!), I started getting information about taking advantage of lower interest rates for our mortgage. It looks like we can refinance and save about $200 per month - wow! That is, essentially, free money and we're pretty excited about it. Our get-out-of-debt plan will go faster with an extra $200, and when we're out of debt we can apply an extra $200 to the principle of the loan and pay off the mortgage that much faster.

If anyone has a mortgage guy that the recommend, now's the time to send me info, because we hope to move forward in the next few days. We have a quote from our current lender that looks pretty good, but we're comparison shopping.

And many thanks to my Mom & Dad for a lovely dinner with them at their home last night....

Impulse shopping update

On a recent post about frugality, I noted that I had impulsively put some tortillas in my cart that were not on my grocery list. Tortillas are cheap, and it's a small problem, not a big one, but I wanted to update on it.

We didn't need tortillas. I didn't have a plan for using them.

Today I'm throwing them in the garbage (okay, the worm bin) as they are stale and unusable; we never even opened the package to eat one.

The few dollars that were spent on tortillas were not the end of the world. Still, there is a lesson. I don't want to be wasteful, and I ended up being wasteful with these. I wasted money, and I wasted a resource (the tortillas themselves, and the plastic bag that they came in).

Maybe by blogging this, next time I'm at the grocery store and see something that I don't need and don't have a plan to use, I will remember the tortillas thrown in the garbage, and I'll make a wiser decision.

Good for the earth, good for my body, good for my wallet. That's what we're aiming for!

Tessa and reading

I'm not sure if I've updated on Tessa in a while, so here goes.

We have read to Tessa every day of her life since birth, pretty much. Reading is an important part of our family life, and we have stacks of books all over the house to prove it. Ryan and I both read in bed at night before going to sleep on most nights; Tessa gets bedtime stories every single night. We go to the library about once a week, and we have accounts at the used bookstores in West Seattle for trading in our old books and getting new ones.

Books are important to all three of us.

However, after kindergarten started, Tessa suddenly shut down her desire to read. She loved being read to as much as ever, and still gravitated towards books in her quiet times when she wanted a little space or down time, but she absolutely refused to read a single word at home. Slightly panicked, I called her teacher, and we had some long talks about adjustment to kindergarten, perfectionism (Tessa suffers a bit from this, unfortunately), brain development schedules, etc. We made a deal to lay off Tessa about reading at home, and to have her continue in kindergarten reading at her own pace.

She dropped down a level in her reading group.

My heart sunk a little (okay, a lot). I want to school to come easily to her - hey, life is easier if school is fun - and though I leave it to her to decide what is most important in her life, I really really want her to be a reader; it's a value that Ryan and I share and want to pass along.

She dug in her heels and refused to identify any words at all. Not even the ones we knew she knew.

More calls to the teacher. More reassurances. More sinking feelings.

Well, last week we went to the library and I picked out a couple of level 1 readers for her (as I always do) so that if she CHOSE to read, she'd have access to new material that might interest her. I would like to shout THANK YOU to the author of "Cowgirl Kate and Cocoa." It will come as no surprise that this is a book about a girl and her horse.

And Tessa started reading.

And she read until we had to tell her that she absolutely MUST stop so that she could go to sleep at night.

She made us promise to wake her up early so that she could read in the morning before school.

She started dancing and saying, "I love reading! I used to hate it, but now I love it!"

Joy, joy, joy!

Tessa has to labor over words; she has a good sized fistful of sight words, but she has to read each sound aloud and then try to put it together - a laborious process - to figure out each word. But she's doing it! She's really getting it! And what's more, suddenly she's enjoying it. She's realizing that she can learn about horses in her own way if she reads her own books; she's realizing that she can unlock all kinds of secrets if she can read.

Yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I don't care if she's a straight A student (though, with a mother's pride, I suspect that she might become one). I don't care if she's the best reader in her class (she's not, by a long shot). I don't care about any of it....I just want her to love reading, and to find success at school.

Her teacher is pleased with her work, she's doing everything at grade level, and yesterday she brought home some written work that made me smile. Spelled out phonetically, she had written "We went to a wedding and it was fun and the food was good." It looked like "We wint to a wdin and it wz fn and the fud wz gd." I couldn't be more proud of my girl - she did all that on her own, and previous sentences she's written have had maybe 3-4 words instead of 10+. She's trying, and with her trying, I know she will find success.

Hallelujah!

Balance

I am struggling to find balance.

Who isn't? If you're out there, and you're all perfectly balanced, I would like to talk to you and find out your secrets. Actually, pretty much everyone I know might be interested in talking to you and learning your secrets, because I think that most of us are struggling.

I'm struggling to balance:
- Alone time vs. family time vs. friend time
- Work vs. life
- Structure with Tessa vs. free play
- Healthy, delicious meals without a life spent in the kitchen
- Being frugal without being a skinflint
- Working out without making it the only thing I do for myself
- Having a clean house vs spending all my time cleaning

You get the picture. It is a constant struggle to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that makes sense.

I'm working on the Hunts Point book, and I am way, way behind on the project. It is important to me to do this project, and to do it well, but then I have volunteering, and friends in need of support, and grocery shopping, and yard work, and visitors, and fatigue, and physical therapy, and spending quality time with Tessa, and laundry and......well, let's just say it's a long, long list.

My friend Lori tells me that the secret of successful writers is butt glue. (I owe Tessa a quarter every time I say "butt." "Mommy, we say 'bottom' because it's more polite!" Yes, we do. Except when we're talking about butt glue. That's fifty cents now.) It's just a matter of carving out time and DOING IT.

That's what I'm doing now. I am going to make this happen.

First step: consistent schedule. So, I'm announcing that I am no longer available to do anything between 9am and 3pm on Mondays or Wednesdays, as those are my Hunts Point days. (The only exception will be for Tessa's early dismissal on some Wednesdays....can't have the six year old waiting on a bench for Mom for two hours.) I am making this a priority, announcing it to the world, and changing my calendar around to accommodate it. It's a priority because I'm making writing a priority, because I have a commitment to my employer, and because the money I earn will benefit my family greatly.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I will not do laundry, return calls, meet friends for lunch, go grocery shopping, etc. I am pretending that I'm locked away in an office building somewhere, unavailable because I'm in meetings. I'm still available to do other work on the other days of the week, of course, so hopefully this will be the balance I seek. I volunteer in Tessa's class on Thursdays, I have covenant group on Tuesdays and sometimes lunch with Grandma and Mom on Tuesdays. There will be enough hours for laundry etc. I will make this work.

I'm still trying to balance all of the other stuff. I will make it work. Working on it is the only way, and I won't reach instant solutions but I will find solutions.

Love,
Kristina

PS Ryan and I did a project to get our office in shape to make working more palatable. The book has a lot of paperwork, so I don't want to haul it all to coffee shops etc., and need to work from home. We moved things around, painted a wall, set up our bill paying etc. in the secretary upstairs, so that I can take over the downstairs office. It's got great light, a decent desk, etc., so now that it's all decluttered I don't have any excuses about having nowhere to work.