Getting down to the business of living

I rarely find myself in front of my computer any more, as I am just so swamped with, well, everything. I'm occupied by the usual things (caring for Tessa, playdates, laundry, etc.) and the new addition of our puppy, but I'm also trying to squeeze in a year's worth of living into each day. I'm wearing Tessa out with this approach, which makes me smile - at the end of each day she is more than ready to go to bed! Yesterday, for example, we met Michele & Elliott at C&P for coffee and Shep's walk, then came back to crate Shep so that we could go on a 5 mile walk to Lincoln Park. At the mid-point of the walk, we stopped to let the kids play on the play structure for a while, and then came home. Once home, I quickly packed a picnic, and then Tessa, Shep and I were off to the club to have a picnic with my brother, SIL, and two nephews...along with their two dogs (they got a beautiful new puppy, Tigger). We played with the dogs and had lunch, and then the humans went swimming at the pool there. Then, rushing again, Tessa, Shep and I headed off to Edmonds for a girls' night with Libby and friends, stopping to pick up some dinner fixings at QFC (a giant salad - yummm - in this hot weather nothing sounded better to me). At 7:30pm we again made a dash for home, Shep whimpering because he wanted a walk, and Tessa falling asleep in the carseat. Once home, we got Tessa into her PJs & slippers, loaded her into the jogging stroller, and off we went around the neighborhood, exercising Shep and I and hoping that Tessa would be able to manage the lateness of the stroll. Then, Tessa tucked into bed, Shep into his crate, and I started unloading the day's debris: picnic supplies, wet swimsuits, etc. and preparing for the next day.

Every day sounds about like that, right now. I'm wearing myself out too but I don't care. It just feels so good to LIVE! I love being out in the sun, the joy of physical play, bonding with family and friends....it's lovely.

Ryan is in Bend, OR with Paul on their bike trip, and Ryan reports that it has been wonderful. I'm so glad that Ryan could get in some down time (times two - Cannon Beach with us, Bend with Paul) before the "real life" of the new job begins. We're all excited for the job, and I think that it will be great for Ryan, but of course we treasure vacation, as well, and it's healthy and healing to start such a prospect fully refreshed.

I am still working on what my real routine will look like in this new life we're fashioning. I know that each day must start and end with Shep's walk, that I want to get hours in at the Komen Foundation doing volunteer work, that my yard needs lots of TLC that I'd like to give, that I'm eager to help out friends now that I can. It is wonderful to receive, and I have received so much in the past year...but it feels even better to give. Hurrah for being able to do so! I'll find my rhythm soon enough, but right now I don't mind the craziness of going from place to place and packing so much into each day. THIS is living.

Love,
Kristina

Cannon Beach

Ahhh, Cannon Beach.

We got home this evening from our vacation at Cannon Beach, feeling much refreshed and more ready than ever to take the world by the tail (apologies to Shep & Mo!). There is something special about that place; it refreshes us, body and soul. I slept well, we played together (flying a kite, building a sand castle, romping in the sand, playing at the tidepools, hanging out at coffee shops, going for a walk/run - me - and a bike ride - Ryan, and much, much more). These few pictures capture only a bit of it, but I had to share.

I think you can see my weight loss in these pics, so finally, here are some pictures of me at a much smaller size than I used to be!

Race for the Cure/Cannon Beach

Today, I did Race for the Cure, and it was a great experience. There were more people than I could ever see at once: the event was held on the viaduct, and when I was at a high point, I couldn't see the end of the people ahead or behind me. It's powerful to think of how much money must have been raised to fight the cause, and how many people cared enough to spend their morning doing this event. We got pictures: one of Paul, Ryan, myself and (sleeping!) Tessa; another of Tessa and I with Gov. Christine Gregoire; several of Tessa with various mascots, etc. I'm glad I did this event, and hope to do it again next year....maybe with a big team!

Tomorrow, we leave for Cannon Beach, and I can't wait. We haven't taken more than a weekend to get away for a LONG time, and I'm really looking forward to the break. Shep will come with us, we'll stay in a little hotel (dog friendly), we'll play on the beach, we'll fly a kite together for the first time, we'll build sand castles, we'll drink coffee at our favorite Cannon Beach coffeehouse....bliss. The simple pleasures! We'll be back on Wednesday (although we might try to reschedule my Herceptin appointment to Thursday or Friday so that I could come home a day later. We will see!)

Love to all,
Kristina

Shep update - nothing to worry about

Well, we took Shep in to the vet today, and we don't have any reason to be really concerned. It may be that he has kennel cough, but a perhaps even more likely scenerio is that his trachea is very sore from surgery (he would have had a tube down his throat) and combined with that he's been pulling at his leash and so the trachea might be extra irritated, and that could be the reason for the little cough. Also, he's on a new diet, in a new place, so he may have a bit of an upset tummy, leading to the lack of eating.

The cure? I'm currently cooking my dog's dinner! He will be dining on rice and chicken today, and it's simmering in the rice cooker as we speak. Hopefully this mild diet will help his tummy as he transitions to a healthy diet at our house, and he will return to his prior energy levels.

We think that Shep is starting to understand that he lives here, and he's getting more and more comfortable. He's not a big fan of the car yet (though he mellows as soon as he's loaded up), and we think that this is because every time he got in a car he got a new home...first one shelter, then another, then our house. We like to believe that he loves being with us, and the idea that we'd take him somewhere else makes him sad, so he doesn't want to get in the car. In any case, that's improving.

We have booked a trip to Cannon Beach (and we're staying at a hotel that allows dogs), leaving on Father's Day, returning Wednesday. This will be a GREAT time to take a break before Ryan begins his new job. Hooray!

Kristina

Sick puppy!

We think it's just kennel cough, but our little guy is really lethargic today and is refusing food (which, based on our short experience with him, is NOT his nature). We're going to go to the vet this morning to get him checked out and get some meds. I like how well behaved he is right now (sleeping on his little bed all day long) but I hate the fact that he obviously doesn't feel well.

I'm working on getting better pictures of Shep, but he's either so active that I can only get half of him in the picture as he runs out of the frame, or he's a blur, or (today) he's just so sorrowful looking. Just trust that he's WAY cuter in person than he is in these pics.

Love,
Kristina

Great news

At long last, we have great news to announce.

In addition to falling ever deeper in love with our puppy Shep (he's fabulous!) - certainly a highlight this week, Ryan has accepted a job offer at PAR3 in Seattle. Ryan had the honor of receiving quite a bit of interest from a variety of companies, but the PAR3 offer was the most appealing, and Ryan is excited to begin in two weeks. We are ever so grateful to Randal for giving Ryan an internal recommendation, and to Marisa for pointing out that PAR3 might be a great place to apply.

Dare we think that our luck has changed? My recent good health, our lovely puppy, and Ryan's job seem to bode well for our futures. I am filled with optimism and hope.

In all of this good news, we also received some sad news. Today, my brother's puppy, adopted only 72 hours earlier, died. Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (fortunately, Josh is too young to be too affected) are devastated, and our hearts break for them, for we know what it is to love an animal. It's a strange world we live in: Ryan and I have light hearts because of all of the positive changes in our lives, and at the same time (initially unbeknownst to us) little Titan's passing was breaking the hearts of others.

We are trying to live each moment to the fullest. We never know where life will take us, or what surprise (good or bad) awaits us, so I'm living in the moment, trying to squeeze a lifetime worth's joy into each minute.

Love,
Kristina

A boy and his dog

Ryan's never had a dog - but today his boyhood dreams came true! Today, Ryan met Shep for the first time. Our family had a wonderful time visiting with Shep, and we can't wait to get him home and REALLY get to know him.

Our list of doggy "to-do's" is growing. Secure laundry room, buy dog-guard for the Subaru, trim Mozart's toenails (Shep is sure to get a few warnings from Mo, and that's okay, but we don't want real damage to be inflicted!), figure out a way (and a place) to store the dogfood, read up on puppy training... These are tasks to be done with joy - no complaints from me!

Tomorrow morning I will do my first 10 mile walk. I'm nervous - wish me well!

Kristina

SHEP!!!!!

Today, we found Shep! His picture, above, is from the Petfinder website, and there are a couple more pictures there, at Shep's page on Petfinder.

Unfortunately, the friend who will be helping us to train Shep is out of town, but I did as much temperment testing as my inexperience would allow (using a book called "Successful Dog Adoptions" and a very long phonecall with my brother, using the book HE has about temperment testing) and Shep passed with flying colors. He's a very active little guy, full of mischief, and I have a feeling that we will have some sleepless nights. However, he's gentle, not easily startled, and oh-so-affectionate. We are thrilled by this new member of our family.

Shep was not already "altered" (neutered) and his appointment is Monday; unfortunately, that means we can't take him home until Monday. However, he's ours: all the paperwork was filled out and the money was paid (a ridiculously low cost, I might add...!). We can't wait to get him home!

Love,
Kristina

Real Life

Slowly, I (we) are returning to real life, which, though not always easy, is so much better than cancer-patient life. Instead of spending hours every day feeling ill or running around to various doctors' offices, I am knee-deep in laundry, playdates, grocery lists, and dreams for the future. What was once mundane now feels pretty darn good - I don't mind the laundry because I can do it. I have time to dream, and the hope that my dreams will come true. Real life is not on hold...it is happening NOW.

Ryan is as busy, or busier, than I am. He has been receiving interview requests, and today has interviews with three companies (as I type this, he's en route from one company to the next!). Ryan is much like his old self, but better....he is very focused, and some company is going to be very grateful that they are the company to have snagged him. Of course, it's nerve wracking to go through the process (if only we knew the outcome!) but I am confident that soon he will be fully employed, and that part of normal will return to our family, as well....and then we'll complain about long hours and busy schedules, but it will be with smiles on our faces (I hope!).

We are also in dog mode. Today, for the first time in weeks, I found a dog on Petfinder.com that matches our criteria (black lab or black lab not mixed with pit bull, chow, rottweiler, a puppy younger than six months, and in the Seattle area), appropriately titled "Puppy Love." Will this be our dog? I don't know...but I hope to go to the shelter today to check it out! I have a book entitled "Successful Dog Adoptions" that I've read cover to cover, and it has information on temperment testing. I am hopeful...but not foolish, so if this isn't Shep, I will hold off until I meet Shep. (Should anyone be wondering, our most important criteria is that the dog not exhibit any aggressiveness, and be VERY child-friendly. Of course, we expect Shep to be the love of Tessa's childhood, but we also want to keep every child coming to our home safe. We will not adopt a dog with any aggressive tendencies, and we will take no risks.)

We are on the cusp of many good things.

I am training for the 3-Day and will do my first 10 mile walk this weekend; I'm nervous but excited for that. Our team has raised nearly $20,000 so far and I know that the money will keep coming in. I am SO PROUD of my friends for supporting this cause - together, we are making a HUGE difference. A cure by the time Tessa's a woman....now, that's not too much to ask, is it? (Well, I'll ask for one more thing, too: I want to be alive to see the cure!) The 3-Day, job, puppy, Tessa talking a mile a minute about all of the things that interest her, swimming at the club (Gold Creek), Tessa attending a ballet class with her friends at the YMCA locally (all those little girls in pink tutus is something to behold, and could melt the hardest heart), playing at the park, PEPS at our house, starting work on our garden (which is a mess!), enjoying the sunshine but not minding the rain, Ryan getting in bike rides and watching his times get faster as the hills get easier (hooray Weight Watchers!)....we're all trying to find our rhythm, trying to carve out a new version of normal that allows for the mundane (laundry) while focusing on the joy (puppies, beach picnics, splashing in the pool as a family).

I still don't make time to contemplate the past year. I can't let myself do it yet. There are parts of this year that make me feel physically sick to think about them, and that is not where I wish to be. I'm not in denial about it all, I'm just shelving it for a while. I'm allowing my body and soul to get a bit stronger, and to enjoy the flowers, the laughter of my daughter, my husband holding my hand, the prospect of hikes in the summer and camping with our dog....these, most certainly, are the finer things.

On my one year anniversary, I met with Dr. Okorn, the GP who originally examined my lump and sent me (the very next day) for a mammogram and ultrasound. It was a bit emotional to me to see her again, remembering the events of our last meeting, but I was glad to do it. That day, I reset the clock. I visited the doctor, same as a year before, but this year I had no symptoms to report, and instead was able to ask questions about avoiding osteoporosis and heart disease, what type of vitamins to take, how much calcium, etc. At the end of our meeting, Dr. Okorn said (and I quote) "You are the picture of health." Just thinking about it makes me tear up - ME, the picture of health! This is my new refrain, and it brings me joy....I repeat the words to myself daily. A picture of health. A picture of health. I am a picture of health.

And for those of you who want to know about the day to day...well, I've got a bit of a cold with laryngitis, but I don't care. I know what it means to be SICK, and this is a mere inconvenience (particularly irritating because I want to fly around doing things and I'm a bit tired, but there you have it). I'm anemic -a nd have been since during chemo - and taking iron supplements, but my doctor laughs that the world may not be ready for a version of me that has MORE energy because I really do feel energized. I'm keeping off the lost weight, which is good, because I've given away even more of my old clothes and if I gain weight I literally will not have a thing to wear. :-)

Portland with the PEPS ladies was incredible. Much laughter, some shopping, eating out, relaxing at the hotel, a long walk in the morning, times shared with my friends on the train ride....I could not have asked for more. Every new mother should have the opportunity to join PEPS - these women fill my heart with such joy, and the times we share together are really important to me. I started talking about what we'll be doing together in 30 years and Linda teared up, saying "That is what I want for me, and for my family...." and I couldn't agree more. I know how blessed I am.



And today, my mom has Tessa, as I sit here nervously awaiting news of Ryan's most recent interviews, and the world is well. Shep is out there somewhere (whether I'll meet him today or not), summer is around the corner, and I am LIVING. I wish to suck the marrow from life...and I'm trying my hardest to do that, whether it's feeling the joy of using basil I grew myself in a pasta dish I'm making, or admiring the old-fashioned roses in our garden, or listening to Tessa sing (never mind that she can't carry a tune...I think it's adorable!), or sharing lattes with Ryan in the morning. Life, with all of its ups and downs, is sweet. If nothing else, I've learned that, and I hope I never forget.

Love,
Kristina

One year and counting

June 1st was my one year survivorship anniversary, and I had planned to spend the day being meditative about it, and to write a long blog entry about my experiences. I didn't. I couldn't. Instead, I ran around like a madwoman, with chores, playdates, preschool, a doctor's appointment (an annual physical, nothing to do with cancer),and finally, a date with my family (dinner at my favorite resturant, La Rustica).

I still intend to think, to be introspective, and to contemplate the events of the past year, but right now I'm too busy living. I've felt pretty normal (not ill, or in major pain) for about a week and a half, and the idea that I will continue to get better for a few months makes me positively GIDDY. I'm trying to squeeze in a year of living into each day, and it doesn't leave a lot of time. I have things to say about the one year mark...but they must wait. The feelings won't go away; I won't forget.

Tomorrow, I'm getting on a train with my PEPS group friends, and we're headed to Portland. I've purchased shallow magazines (Glamour, Self, Vogue) to peruse on the train; I've got my water bottle, my umbrella, and my cute shoes. I've spent half the evening trying to decide what to wear. Tessa is absolutely fine with my absence, and happily tells friends that her mommy is going to Portland with some other mommies and that she's going to see the Mariner Moose with her Daddy. I have a light heart - time with friends, time away from Cancerville, and time to look to the future in an optimistic manner is EXACTLY what I need right now. I don't feel like being introspective, I feel like pushing behind the pain of the past year and ignoring it, at least for the moment.

Love,
Kristina

PS I was able to exercise 4 times this week so far. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO! I am serious about training for the 3-Day, and I'm baaa-aack!
PPS Caroline, I got your message but I've misplaced your number. Call me back, and leave a number! I'm home on Monday. It was great to hear from you.

A year ago today...

...I found a lump on my left breast. It felt firm and slightly flat, like a lima bean under my skin. I poked it and prodded it, because it wasn't there the month before, and I'd never felt it before, so I thought it would go away. Poking and prodding did nothing but make my skin red; the lump did not change.

Ryan came in just as I was laying in bed, poking and prodding, and I didn't say anything about it to him, convinced that when I woke up the lump would be gone. He asked me to go lay in the hammock with him, and so we went out and looked at the stars in the clear sky. (Perhaps todays rain showers and cloudy skies are a sign that the next year will be very different from the last year!)

I didn't understand then how much my life would change because of that little lump.

Love,
Kristina

Lifetime!

Today at my Weight Watchers meeting I was awarded Lifetime status, meaning that I've hit my goal weight and maintained it for six weeks. Now, it's my job to keep the pounds off, and to continue my healthy habits for the rest of my life. I am encouraged to continue going to WW meetings to stay on track, and to continue journaling my food, which I will do. I hope that one day I won't have to write every morsel down, but I will use the scale as my guide: if I gain, I'll jump back on WW immediately.

Part of the standard protocol at meetings is that members receiving Lifetime get to get up in front of the group and discuss their success. I can not believe how emotional it was for me to do that! I was trying to tell people that they COULD lose weight, no matter what the obstacles in front of them, and I started to point out that I'd had third degree radiation burns, as well as two major surgeries, during my weight loss phase...and I really choked up. Sometimes, I can't allow myself to feel the enormity of things until I'm through them, and this was one of those times. Standing in front of that crowd, I told them: it was hard. It really, really hurt. I didn't think I could keep going...but I did. And now look at me! I can hardly believe the difference - I look like an entirely different person. I'm thin! I really am! I'm at an "ideal" weight, and nobody (except myself) can take it away from me. I intend to remain thin for all of my days. I've been heavy, and I didn't like it: I'm NOT going back.

For any here who are trying to lose weight, here are the two things I think it boils down to. Really, there are only two things that I think make a person successful at weight loss. Only two. You can do it!

1. Decide that it's really very, very important to you to lose weight, and that are absolutely committed to losing weight NOW. This is different than wanting to lose weight - wishes do not get results. If you decide that losing weight is an absolute top priority for you, then you will remake your life to make weight loss possible. You will tell the girlfriend who invites you out to lunch, "You know, I can't resist the cheesecake at that resturant, and I'm trying to cut back. Can we go somewhere else instead?" You will bring snacks with you so that you have healthy choices when you're going to be busy all day. You will refuse to use cookbooks whose main ingredient lists include lots of butter and cream. You will weigh your food. All because of one thing: you decided that it was important. We all know how to lose weight, and it's not rocket science (eat less, exercise more), but I think that the thing is the level of commitment. Don't think that you can't because of your husband's sweet tooth, or your office's policy of having donut Fridays, or the fact that your kids like too many carbs and so it's hard for you to avoid those things. Just decide that it's the most important thing to you to be thin, and make your decisions based on that. The cliche'd expression "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" is oh-so-true. I still love fettucine alfredo...but not nearly as much as I love being thin. Never before in my life have I really committed to losing weight. It's not easy, but it can be done....if you commit to it.

2. Write down every bite, and be honest about it. I've never food journaled before this, and I see why it's such a successful technique: it forces honesty in black and white; and it makes you think, "do I want to have to write this down?" It also helps with math. If you're adding up in your head, it's easy to miss things, to "forget," or to miscalculate portions. It's harder to lie on paper, right there before you. Write it down! If you're dieting now, and it's not working, start writing it down, and you'll discover one of two things: either that you're eating more than you thought (or more of the wrong things than you thought); or that you weren't really dieting at all because of all of the "hidden" foods that you weren't really counting in your head. In a recent Oprah magazine there was a great article about weight loss that discussed food journaling, and it said that people who do not food journal tended to underestimate their caloric intake by 1,050 calories a day. WHOA! That's a lot of calories! I believe that journaling is the magic bullet for dieters. You bite it, you write it; you nibble, you scribble. Try it! It really works!

I don't profess to have all of the answers, but I've become the biggest believer in Weight Watchers. They know their stuff. They've seen it all. The meetings are a big motivator...and I can't tell you how many times I thought "well I want to eat ___ but I'm being weighed in a couple of days and I don't want them to write down a higher number than last week," so the nature of weighing in weekly is very effective. I've met lovely, wonderful people there, and everyone is very encouraging. My leader, Shelly, is an amazing, amazing, woman, and I credit a good deal of my success to her lessons, kindness, and support.

But in the end, it was ME who did the hard work, and I'm very, very, very proud of myself. Officially, I lost 39 pounds. I hope to never see them again....and you'll see me working at keeping them off for the rest of my life.

Love,
Kristina

I want breasts.

Yesterday I shopped, briefly, for a couple of summer clothing items. I'd like a sundress that fits me, and so off I went.

All of the sundresses I liked had halter tops, spaghetti straps, strapless, or V-necks. All were impossible for a woman who has one weird, bumpy, off-to-one-side breast and one flat side. From the bottom of my rib-cage down, I thought they looked fabulous. Around my bosom, they looked terrible.

This breast business is really, truly, seriously getting old. I feel like I've done my time, and yet I'm still in jail. It's been nearly a year, and still, I have one breast, and it doesn't look that great (think Frankenstein). One day, I know, I'm going to have two relatively normal looking breasts, just scarred...but now, I have one lousy, misshapen, lumpy breast, and one very flat, burned, brown, scarred chest.

Losing all this weight, I have a desire to show off my new body. I'm a weight I haven't been since my mid-twenties, and I love it. I'm out of size 8, wearing size 6 all the time. And yet clothes shopping is still sometimes torturous, unless I want to advertise my mastectomy through the clothes I wear.

Grrrr.

"Blog against cancer" for LiveStrong

The LiveStrong organization, headed by Lance Armstrong, is determined to make a difference by helping cancer survivors, finding cures, and encouraging government to do important funding to fight this deadly disease. Today is LiveStrong's "Blog against cancer" event, and I'm participating.

Cancer, in any form, is frightening. Terrifying. Mind-numbing. Everyone knows someone touched by the disease, and we all know that a cancer diagnosis comes hand in hand with the kind of fear that makes one shake and tremble. It must be stopped. We must find out what factors - environmental or otherwise - are causing cancer rates to rise so dramatically, and we must find cures. I know too much about cancer to want to witness anyone else go through it, and yet I know that I will, in my lifetime, doubtless receive that terrible phone call or message that someone else I love has cancer.

I plan to make a difference through fundraising. It's all that I know how to do, so I must do it. If you haven't already, today would be a great day to donate to the Breast Cancer 3-Day (there's a link on the right of this page), or to any other cancer charity (LiveStrong is a great one, and one that Ryan and I support, in addition to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.)

Love,
Kristina

Yard Sale Craziness - Pictures

Here are some pictures of the craziness that was our yard sale. Our neighbors, Jeff & Amy, kindly let us use their front yard, and we spread out across the two yards, taking up the sidewalk and parking strip as well. There were literally hundreds of visitors to the yard sale - and countless items for sale. The pictures give just a taste of what it was like that day: organized chaos!

The final two pictures were taken the night before the yard sale. Our dining room table became a sorting ground for clothing (a hopeless cause because there was just so much!) and Erik found a fabulously awful yellow blazer that had us all in stitches laughing. Good times, despite the huge amount of work!

Kristina

Moving on

A few months ago, there was a post on the YSC ("Young Survivor Coalition" - a website for women under the age of 40 who have been diagnosed with breast cancer) about moving on, and whether it was possible to truly move on after breast cancer. The women there posted a variety of thoughts on the subject, ranging from the "I forgot about it as soon as I finished" (then why are you on a support-group website?!) to "it's always on my mind, every second of every minute of every hour of every day." The idea of moving on pops in my head all the time now: as I approach my one year anniversary of diagnosis, I start to wonder what moving on looks like for me.

Obviously, my diagnosis changed the rest of my life. The thing that I miss most, more than my breasts or hair, is my innocence. Before June 1, 2005, I was innocent. Aside from the tragedy of my cousin Kathy's death at age 17 in 1988 (I miss her every day, to this day), I had not been deeply touched by tragedy. I don't know if I felt invincible, but it did seem like bad things happened to other people. The diagnosis changed all of that, and in a heartbeat. Not only did I lose body parts, and a year of treatment, but I also lost confidence in my own body's ability to fight the "bad stuff." I am no longer invincible. I am utterly human, and there is no guarantee that I will live to be 100. A good attitude, strong support network, and healthy lifestyle guarantee me nothing. This, of course, is no different from the minute before I found my lump; it's just that I'm always aware of it now.

I will never regain my innocence. There will always be two parts to my life: before and after breast cancer. The loss of innocence is the dividing point between those points.

Despite all that, I do wish to move on. So how do I move on, while acknowledging that life will never again be what it once was?

I think that the answer to that question will come slowly, over time. I don't pretend to have it figured out, and I know that what is true for me will not ring true for others...my truth is not an absolute truth, and what's more, it may be an ever changing truth.

Right now, here's what I know. I know that I want to stop losing time to cancer. For nearly a year, every moment has been colored by cancer. I have felt the aches and pains of treatment as a daily reminder, and I have felt the heartache of wondering what would happen if treatment didn't work. It's time to move past that. With the removal of my final breast, the hard part of treatment is now officially over. My time will not be robbed, daily, by cancer's after-effects, because now I am working on healing. Nothing else will be taken from me: from here on out, my hair will grow longer, my breasts will return to me (in some form!), and the hours of my days will be less and less painful as my body returns to fitness and health. Soon, I will be able to chase Tessa again, to scoop her up in my arms and throw her up in the air and catch her, and my body will not shriek at me to STOP before I fall down from the pain. Soon, I will be able to exercise daily, to keep house and to cook food, to organize playdates, to assist friends and family with their needs, to work regular hours for the BSD. That is what it means to move on. I want to move out of a land where pain is the guideline for how much I can do, and where my hours and days are stolen by doctors, technicians, and drugs. There were many weeks when I had 10 appointments per week; there has not been a week without medical appointments (except Christmas) since the whole mess started, and. I still have appointments and scans, I still have doctors to see, but only sometimes, not all the time.

With clear pathology on my hysterectomy and mastectomy, and a clean whole-body MRI and CT scan, I am disease free. Now, I need to go about the business of living, and I really want to live. I am impatient to enjoy long summer days, to BBQ with friends, to bring my body to never-before-seen levels of fitness. I want to live fully, with full knowledge of the beauty that life presents itself. I will not take it for granted. I want to seize every day and live it to the fullest, because a little voice whispers in my ear "At any moment, this can all change, and tragedy can strike. Don't throw away what you're given! This is your life, and it's short. Make a difference! LIVE!" It's a bittersweet message: full of hope and strength and courage to make the most of my life, tinged with the fear that I will have to relive some of the past year again in the future. I know that I may die young. I don't plan on it, but I know that my plans have nothing to do with it. All I can do is make the most of my days, and hope and pray that I live to watch my daughter grow old, my husband at my side, surrounded by friends and family.

I'm ready to move on in this new universe I live in. I will never forget that I am a breast cancer survivor, but I hope to live my life as more than just a survivor - I want to take every minute and squeeze the essence from it, absorbing all of the joy that the world has to offer me. What's more, I want to give joy to those around me. I want to give my family the best of me, to share and learn from friends and family, and to inspire other breast cancer survivors. I want to use my life for something useful: I want to leave the world a better place than I found it. I pray that I can be part of the solution to finding a cure for breast cancer; I will not forget the cause. I want to remember my diagnosis, without being defined by it.

The anniversary of my diagnosis is a monumental day for me. I barely remember the self that existed before that day...she seems so far away now. I hope that I can revisit her, and recapture some of her spirit, while keeping some of the strength that I have earned and learned in the past year.

Moving on. I'm trying, that's for sure. It sounds so beautiful to me - to move on, and reclaim my life. That is what I am working on, on this beautiful sunny day.

Love,
Kristina

Proud of Ryan

First, I need to say that I'm very proud of Ryan for all that he's accomplished over the past months. He has developed a positive outlook, and his smile truly gladdens my heart. Ryan is a fabulously smart and talented individual, and some company is going to be so incredibly fortunate to have him working for him.

That said, the Microsoft position did not come through, and of course that's disappointing. There is a silver lining, however: the team all thought that Ryan was "Microsoft material," just not a good fit for the position, and the recruiter has another position in mind that she'd like Ryan to interview for. We'll hear more soon...and we hope for the best, of course.

I'd also like to post a couple of pictures: a before and after of Ryan. The first picture was taken on my first Mother's Day, when Ryan was at his heaviest weight. The second was taken yesterday on Mother's Day - look at how handsome my husband is! He continues to work hard at Weight Watchers with me, and he's almost lost more than I have (we're neck in neck). Wahooooo! I'll also post one of me yesterday - I don't think it's the most flattering, but it certainly shows that I've lost weight from where I started. :-)

Yard Sale Results; Happy Mother's Day!

Yesterday's yard sale was a phenomenal success - just thinking about how many people contributed to its success through donations, volunteer time, baking, etc. brings tears to my eyes. I am overwhlemed with gratitude! There were literally hundreds of people that came by and shopped, and I'm glad for that, too.

And (drumroll please): We raised over $2100!!!!! THANK YOU! The money will be divided up among participating team members to put in their Breast Cancer 3-Day accounts, so that individuals can get closer to their goals. (Each team member needs to raise $2200 in order to participate in the walk.)

I took a few photos that I will post later. Now, I must go and enjoy Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to the wonderful mothers in my life: I am blessed by my own mother's love, and I am grateful for the many mothers in my life who have helped to mother me, or who have set great examples of mothering for me to learn from.

Love,
Kristina

WOW - Yard Sale Update

Today, for the first time, I fully understand how GIGANTIC the yard sale is going to be. People brought by items all day long, and I'm thrilled by the sheer enormity of goods that we have to sell. There's furniture, more clothes than any 20 people could wear, a Toys'R'Us worth of toys and children's thing, and household stuff enough to furnish a couple homes (I think I counted 8 lamps, 4 crockpots, etc).

So many people are helping with time and donations that I am truly touched (and overwhelmed). I look forward to a festive atmosphere tomorrow - come on by if you live in the area, and see what treasures we have for sale! 100% of the proceeds benefit the Breast Cancer 3-Day. We WILL find a cure.

Love,
Kristina

drains out!

Today, as planned, my two remaining drains were removed. HURRAH! I hated those things, and I'm already much more comfortable. I feel fortunate as some women have had to keep their drains in for as long as a month, so at one week, I really won the prize.

This means that I also got to see my breast without bandages on it. It's not pretty by any stretch of the imagination, but it looks like it has a lot of potential. It's tiny right now, and yellow with bruises, and bright blue (!) stitches where they removed the nipple, and swelling where there isn't usually swelling...but one day, it will look like a "real" breast and I live for that moment.

I'm only taking a pain pill at night at this point, and I'm able to function during the day without one. That's good, because some of the pain meds make my vision fuzzy and my head feel fuzzier, so I like to avoid them.

Good night, all!
Kristina

Drains come out today; yard sale update

The drains are coming out today - hurrah! hurrah! I hate the ()@()&%#) things, and it will be quite a relief to be rid of them.

I will be at doctor's appointments (plastic surgeon for drain removal, regular oncologist appt, regular Herceptin infusion) all afternoon, but this morning Ryan's dropping Tessa and I off at PEPS. I'm still a bit hesitant to drive because I can't lift my arm up very high (a problem for steering) but I'm hopeful that I'll get clearance to drive soon.

Tomorrow night I'm going to Northwest Hope and Healing's fashion show fundraiser, and I'm looking forward to the girls' night out aspects as well as to contributing (in a small way) to the cause.

Friday and Saturday will be taken up by the yard sale; on Friday evening there will be a pricing/sorting party, and the yard sale itself is at our house on Saturday. I'm realling hoping to break $1000 on this sale, as tons of people are contributing items for donation, and it's part of the MegaWatt sale so we're getting free advertising and publicity, so we expect a lot of traffic. All proceeds go to The Breast Cancer 3-Day; participants in the yard sale who are doing the 3-Day will split the proceeds of the yard sale to contribute toward their individual 3-Day totals. I'm amazed at how much work must go into this sale, and I'm amazed at how kind people are about helping. I am truly blessed!

If you're in West Seattle on Saturday, c'mon by the the sale at my house. There are a ton of baby/kids' items, as well as household items, a few items of furniture, clothing, and much much more. Out of the thousands of items donated, surely something would suit you? :-)

Love,
Kristina

Home sweet home

I got home yesterday, and my mom brought Tessa home today, and so our family is together at home at last. It feels very good to be home!

I got the pathology from the removed breast: CLEAN! No evidience of cancer anywhere in the breast. What a relief!

Tomorrow I have doctor's appointments, and Thursday I hopefully will get the two remaining drains out (one has already been removed). Things move quickly, but not nearly as quickly as I hope for, of course.

I'm still feeling loopy from all the drugs but I'm weaning from some of the pain meds, so that should improve soon.

Love,
Kristina

Update from the hospital

Swedish has WiFi, so I'm updating you from the hospital.

As Michele said (thank you for updating, Michele!) the surgery went well. The flap is doing well, and Dr. Miles was very conservative about inflating the tissue expander (only 60 ccs so far, I think) in order to give the breast/flap the best chances of success. The front of my chest is a very manageable pain - with drugs, it's only uncomfortable, not miserable - but my back is very very painful. Yesterday evening I was shaking from the pain and very nauseaus, and no amout of drugs seemed to control it. Today I have different pain meds and they're doing better.

I need to write an ode to my port...I wasn't able to use it for the surgery itself because it was in the area to be operated on, and I got poked with three holes (my veins have given up the fight, I think), each of which left a nasty bruise. Today they hooked the port up for further administration of antibiotics and pain meds, and it is SO much better. I had no idea I'd appreciate it so much!

I'm very tired, still a bit groggy and hazy, still a bit of a sore throat from the tube used during surgery, and my back really hurts much more than I imagined...but in general I'm okay because this is the last time things are taken away. I've lost both breasts, my uterus, my tubes, and my ovaries...but from here on out, we only add. There is a lot of surgery to be done in the fall, but I can't wait for the summer, training for the breast cancer 3-Day, doing hikes with my family, having picnics on the beach, building sand castles, going camping....I am ready for some celebrating.

For now, though, I"ll go back to my room to rest, because my body is demanding it!

Love,
Kristina

PS My one year "survivorship" anniversary is coming up on June 1. I'd like to do something to mark the occassion, and to celebrate that the year is behind me. I'm looking for ideas, large and small...does anyone have anything brilliant?

On the road to recovery!

(1:45 pm) Ryan just called to say that Kristina is now out of surgery and is in the recovery room. Dr. Miles, Kristina's plastic surgeon, assured Ryan that the lat flap procedure went well and that Kristina is doing fine. Apparently, Kristina still has her sense of humor, quipping that she'd like a room with a view. Thanks to everyone for keeping Kristina in your hearts and minds!

Michele

Mid-surgery update

As of 11:20, Kristina's surgery is progressing well. Around 9:45, Dr. Dawson called Ryan after the mastectomy portion of the surgery had been completed to say that everything had gone well. This marks the end of stuff being taken away from Kristina's body, and now the reconstruction phase begins.

Good friends Paul and Libby are present as support for Ryan and Kristina, and the rest of us are waiting in the wings. I'll give you further updates as they come.

Michele

Surgery tomorrow

Well, less than twelve hours from now I'll be on the operating table. I'm packing my bags tonight to get ready...please wish me luck!

Love,
Kristina

duplicate messages

Well, as you can see, I tried to post my MRI update several times. At first, none of them posted, so I kept re-trying...and now I've got three messages that say the same thing. Technology is funny stuff!

K

MRI update

The MRI is over, and I did not have to go in for an ultrasound follow-up - hurrah! I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow for pre-op and I hope to hear further good news then.

Ryan had his interview, and it went well. Now we must wait (possibly until May 11) to hear if there is to be a job offer.

The MRI experience was okay, except I couldn't turn off my mind, and the fear was present. It's over now, though, and that's what matters.

Love,
Kristina

MRI today

I just posted a longer post that got eaten by the system; this one will be short.

The MRI must have gone fine as I was not required to go back for the 2pm ultrasound (thank God!). I have a pre-op appt tomorrow at 11:15 so I'll learn more then, but so far so good.

Ryan's final interview for the Microsoft position was today and it went well...hopefully we'll hear something about the result soon, but we're not expecting news before the 11th.

Love,
Kristina

MRI today

The MRI must not have yielded any frightening information, because I was not required to go back for the ultrasound. I have a pre-op appointment with Dr. Dawson tomorrow and I'll ask more questions then, but hopefully everything is crystal clear and free of cancer.

Ryan had his final interview for the position at Microsoft today. We may not hear anything until the 11th but I'm praying for an optimistic result before then!

The MRI procedure itself was frightening, despite my best intent of staying in my happy place. I'm glad I won't have to do that again soon.

Love,
Kristina

Getting ready for surgery

This weekend we had an absolutely lovely time on Orcas with Marisa & Max (her wonderdog). The cabin is heaven on earth, and Marisa and I cooked wonderful (but healthy!) meals, including desserts, and we lounged in the hot-tub, listened to music, drank wine (worth the calories/points!), and soaked up the island ambiance. I didn't even mind that it POURED rain on Saturday (though Ryan went for a bike-ride in the rain anyway).

The last week went well: I felt great, and Ryan had a series of great job interviews for a position at Microsoft (he has one final interview tomorrow, and we won't know anything for a few weeks). Please wish our family well in that regard...

Now, however, I'm home and realizing that my surgery is creeping up on me faster than I'd like.

Today, I feel pretty healthy. I can chase after Tessa (for a while!), and I have the energy to tackle projects around the house or to cook interesting meals or to go to a park etc. My body is leaner than it's been in a decade, and I love wearing clothes that really fit me properly. I'm ready to train for the 3-Day again, and to resume my days in the sun, doing yardwork, taking Tessa to the beach, and accomplishing small tasks here and there.

Tomorrow, I will be in an MRI machine for 45 minutes, being scanned for new cancers in my right (only) breast. My appointment is at 10am tomorrow, with a 9:30am check in time. For some reason, there is already a "just in case" ultrasound scheduled for 2pm tomorrow. If they find anything suspicious in the MRI, I'll have to go back at 2pm. I'm bothered beyond words that "they" have planned for this possibility. My MRI last June was clear, and I've had a lot of chemo....if they find cancer now, I'm going to be very, very, very scared. The MRI is routine before a mastectomy (if there is cancer, the type of mastectomy changes), but it's not routine in MY life, and it brings back horrible memories of lying in that machine and crying for my future last June, right after I was diagnosed. I'm trying not to be negative about it, but I am dreading the event. Please pray that they will find nothing unusual, and that I will be able to maintain some kind of calm while they scan me.

On Tuesday, I hope to do a combination of playing with Tessa in the sunshine -or rain - and being as active as possible with her, combined with taking a little time for myself to get a pedicure and get ready for the surgery. Tuesday night, we'll deliver Tessa to my parents' house, so that she doesn't need to get up with us at 4:30am to get to the hospital on time.

Check-in time is 5:30am on Wednesday, and surgery is scheduled for 7:30am. I will be on the operating table for approximately six hours, and my doctor has said that Ryan will not receive any updates for those six hours. Please pray that Ryan will feel strong and supported as he waits for news. I'm hoping that Ryan will leave the hospital to go for a bike ride during that time, as he feels best when he's on a bike, and sitting there worrying about me will not help me.

The surgery itself is relatively complex. I am having a skin sparing mastectomy, in which they will remove my nipple and the inside of my breast, and also a lat flap reconstruction with a tissue expander. The lat flap procedure involves detatching one side of the latissimus dorsi muscle from my back, and wrapping it under the skin under my arm to the breast area (while part of it is still attached at the back to feed the muscle). Such a procedure creates only a very small A cup, and so I am also having a tissue expander placed between the muscles of the chest wall and the lat flap. The tissue expander is basically an "empty" implant, which will slowly be inflated with tissue to stretch out my skin enough to accomodate the implant. (The stretching is necessary because even though I'm having a skin-sparing mastectomy, some of the breast skin is removed, and the skin will shrink up as result of the shock/trauma of the surgery.) My goal is to return to my natural size, a large B cup or a small C cup. When I come out of surgery, I will be an A cup, but over the space of a few months, I'll be my normal size again.

Information on this procedure is available at:
Pictures of lat flap before and after
Lat Flap Definition
Explanation of lat flap recon with pictures
Brief info on breast reconstruction

I chose to do the lat flap because it tends to give a more natural/realistic breast than a straight implant. I will do the lat flap on the other side, as well, when it's healed from radiation (October if things go well).

I will be in the hospital for five days, most likely to be released on Monday. I will have three drains (I only had one drain for the mastectomy and then another for the node dissection last summer, and I hated them...sigh); two for the front and one for the back, I believe. I will have two five inch incisions; one in the front, one in the back. Because of this, laying down will be difficult, and the recovery is a bit tougher. My parents are going to loan us a recliner chair to put in our guest room, and I'm told that this will be the most comfortable way to sleep.

I hope to use the time in the hospital to rest, to work (an hour here and there) on my BSD curriculum work, to read magazines, and to feel relief that the surgery has gone well. Ryan worries that I overdo it, and in the hospital there will be no chance for that! :-) I hope I don't lose my mind from the boredom, though, and I will welcome visitors (probably Thursday through Sunday, as I don't know how I'll feel on Wednesday and I don't know when I'll be released on Monday).

People have asked how they can help: thank you SO much to those who have reached out. While I'm in the hospital there's not much anybody can do except visit or check on Ryan & Tessa; once I'm home, I think I'll appreciate help with Tessa and/or meals if people are so inclined. I hope to recover quickly, of course, but I can't predict how it will go. I'm told that recovery is a 6 week process, but I heal quickly, so I'm hoping to set a new healing record (wish me luck on that one!).

I will have my cellphone at the hospital once I'm settled (Ryan will bring it to me), but I don't know how much I'll be able to use it due to potential cell phone restrictions. I will be at Swedish on First Hill, and they will have me in their patient directory if you call. On the day of surgery, I will have someone update the blog with info. Ryan will have his cellphone with him on Wednesday, and will certainly appreciate your calls of support, as well.

This is hard. I don't want to do it, any of it. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to plan for it, and I don't want to deal with it. I have to stuff my anger deep inside me that this is my fate, and that I don't have a lot of choices that sound good to me. I hate that my body will have yet more scars, that there are risks with surgery, that my breasts will not be as good as they once were, that I'm always at higher risk for breast cancer than others, that there are no guarantees, that I will endure great pain, that I will not be able to pick up Tessa and hold her the way that every other mother holds her child because I will be healing. I hate that, for several months, my new breast will be rock hard and unnatural looking (until the implant is placed late next fall).

I hate that tomorrow, high tech machines will be used to see if I have cancer again. I am horribly afraid. As I type these words, I can't stop the tears from falling down my face because I'm so afraid. I hate to be afraid. I want to be strong, courageous, and confidant. Instead, I feel fear. What kind of cancer could have survived chemo? What is my fate if they find cancer tomorrow? I know what I've already been through with treatment, and I am certain that it would be worse if some type of cancer is still living in my body. By the time most people read this, the MRI will be over, and hopefully I will have great news and all this worrying will be for nothing. But until then, I'm very, very afraid.

Nearly a year of my life has passed since I found my lump - it's been eleven months. For eleven months, everything has taken a back seat to cancer. I am barely visible at my daughter's preschool (and I vowed to be an involved mother!), my family very nearly fell apart through all of this (though thankfully we're doing well now), the many projects that needed doing still aren't done, and I can barely find the energy to do a quarter of the things I both want and need to do.

I hate that Tessa knows that my nipple will be removed. I hate that she knows what it's like to have her mommy in the hospital. I hate that she keeps asking, "Mommy, will you be able to pick me up?" because she knows I can't and what she most wants is for me to hold her.

I do not have time to mourn because I am in survival mode, but every now and then....like now, as I prepare for the next horror....the anger and fear and mourning leak out. I'm removing my breast to lessen the chance that cancer will recur. I do whatever I can to live a long and happy life, and hope to God that I am doing the right things. I hope that my decision to do reconstruction is the right one: the reconstruction is hard on my body, and it's vanity that's making me do it. There is no use for my breasts, but I want to have two breasts, and I'm fighting hard for that.

I pray that Tessa will not remember the fear that has lived with us for the past year, and that she will somehow learn strength from the whole experience even as she forgets it. Tessa has imaginary tigers that she takes with her when she's frightened or worried, and lately the tigers have been coming everywhere with us. I am grateful that my daughter has chosen such a strong animal for her companion, and hope that the tigers comfort her even as she comforts them, telling them the things that I tell her. It's only for a while, sweetie. Everything will be okay. We can visit in the hospital. This summer, we will have a wonderful time, playing on the beach: we'll have a picnic, then build a sand castle, and then we'll hold hands and run into the water together, laughing because it's so cold. Yes, the tigers can come. We'll keep them safe, and they'll keep us safe.

I send my love - thank you for sending your love back.
Love,
Kristina

Brief catch-up

This must be short, but I wanted to update to tell everyone that I am well, just busy. My health feels fabulous right now and my energy levels are up...just in time to get ready for my surgery on Wednesday. I'm scheduled to be admitted to Swedish at 5:30am on Wednesday morning, with a 7:30am surgery time. I will be in the hospital 5 days, we think, heading home on Monday.

I need to do an MRI to make sure that there is no cancer in the breast they're removing (that would change the surgery type), and this brings back terrible memories of the last MRI. I'm praying that it will be very different this time, both emotionally and in terms of results.

This weekend we're going to Orcas Island to visit with Marisa & Max and enjoy the cabin. We can't wait!

Love,
Kristina

Happy Easter!

I hit my Weight Watchers goal today!

I can't believe I did it. I honestly can't believe it...but it's true! Today I went to Weight Watchers, and I am now officially down 32.8 pounds, and I have hit my official Weight Watchers goal. I weigh less than I have in about 10 to 15 years, and I'm wearing some size 6 and some size 8 clothes (depends on the brand). I barely recognize this new body as my own...and that's a good thing!

If anyone is reading this and hoping to lose weight, here is my advice:

1. DO NOT think about your final goal, just about your mini-goals. If I had sat down in February and told myself "I need to lose more than 30 pounds" I think at the first setback I would have quit, or I would have been frustrated when I only lost a half pound. Instead, I focused on losing one pound a week, and promised myself that as long as I was averaging a pound a week of loss (and fortunately for me I averaged more than that) I WAS meeting my goal. A pound a week equals 52 pounds in a year, so I think that's a worthy goal. By keeping the goals small, I felt like I had lots to celebrate along the way, and I wasn't too bogged down by the big picture.

2. Don't live in deprivation. If you told me now that I could never have chocolate, pasta, wine, or cheese again, I would gladly give up the "skinny" to enjoy those foods, because I LOVE those foods and I'm not a big fan of deprivation. Plus, I hate being told that I'm not allowed to have something...that makes me crave it even more. Instead, just choose to have those items less frequently, or in smaller portions, or both. When there is a birthday party, I still get to have a (small) piece of birthday cake. When it's girls' night, I still eat dessert. When I want to, I still have a glass of wine. By not giving those things up, I have been able to enjoy the ride, and so it doesn't feel like I'm on a strict diet, and so it feels like a lifestyle shift, and not deprivation.

3. Plan ahead. It's MUCH easier to lose weight if you plan your day and to be successful. If I know that I'm having a higher point (higher calorie) dinner, I make sure to have a light lunch. If I know that I have lots of social plans on the weekend, I save up my flex points for those events so that I can enjoy the events without going over my point allowances.

4. Share the journey with someone else. My dear friend Michele initially inspired me to join Weight Watchers because of her success with it, and she and I spent a lot of time swapping tips and recipes. Then, Ryan came on board (hurrah!) and we plan our points together, encouraging each other to stay on the plan and congratulating each other on our successes. My mom is also on the plan (I'm proud of you, Mom!) and it's fabulous when we have dinner with my parents because I know that it will be healthy. It's a lot easier to do this if your team is in place, ready to support you.

5. Diet and exercise together is the best combination, but if you can't do one, don't give up the other. Radiation burns and hysterectomies and fatigue have really put my exercise on the back burner, but though I'm not exercising the way I should and would like to, I'm not giving up the plan...and I've still had success.

Now, my plan is to add the exercise back in to my lifestyle, and to continue with my healthy eating habits for the rest of my life. I will slowly add back in more points until I'm not losing weight any more, and I will work on doing strength training and cardio to make my body not only slim, but also healthy. Reaching goal is, in many ways, the beginning of the journey, and not the end. I'll continue to attend WW meetings to keep myself on target, too.

I am giving away all of my larger clothes. My clothes will tell me when it's time for me to drop a few pounds again...I will not be buying ANOTHER wardrobe, because I like where I'm at far too much. If/when my clothes get too tight, I will just drop my points down to the "dieting" range again, and do a minor correction before things get out of hand.

Because I'm a healthy weight, I have cut my risk of a breast cancer recurrance by as much as fifty percent. WOW. Now there's some incentive to keep the weight off!

Thanks for letting me brag....if I can't do it in my own blog, then I can't do it anywhere. Thanks for listening!

Kristina

Hysterectomy+Cold=Dragging

First, an aside:
Today Tessa was being so darn cute that it brought tears to my eyes. She was telling me stories (inventive imaginings), helping me in the kitchen, and being exceptionally loving when I was just laying on the couch like a slug. My heart burst with love for her, but my eyes filled with tears. The tears had some joy, but also the pain of not being able to play with her and to mother her in the wyas I'd like to while I'm recovering. Ouch.

Friends, I am dragging through the days. I am so tired it's almost like being on chemo again...ack! This morning was my most active since the surgery a week ago: We got up, showered, and left to go see the UW crew races at the Montlake cut (a first for all of us - I've always wanted to go, and so has Ryan but we'd never made it. It's important to Ryan and I to instill in Tessa that women can be fabulous athletes, and so we want to expose her to this kind of stuff...and I think it's pretty darn cool to expose Tessa to the UW so that she'll get a taste of her mother's, grandfather's, and uncle's alma mater). On the way there, we stopped by the Susan G. Komen offices and picked up Race for the Cure registration materials, because I am the West Seattle contact for Race for the Cure...all we had to do was pick up a few boxes (which Ryan kindly toted for me). Then, we picked up Marisa at her house, headed to the crew races, and watched for perhaps 20 minutes. Then we headed to "the Ave" (University Avenue) to visit the University Bookstore (Ryan and Marisa browsed while Tessa and I explored the children's section...I have an entire shelf of books that I haven't read yet). By then, I was feeling tired, even though we hadn't done much at all. We dropped Marisa off at home, then dropped off the registration materials at Capers in West Seattle (and had quick soup and sandwiches for lunch together), and then I came home, put on my PJs, and crawled into bed, where I spent the afternoon.

Ugh. I am starting to fantasize about all the things that I will do when I have a healthy body again. This fantasy includes:
1. Taking Tessa to a park and running around after her. Push her on the swings, go down the slide with her, and then go to the beach to look for seashells and practice walking on logs. Run with her, chase her, and laugh together.
2. Exercise. I'm so interested in having a healthy body that the jiggly tummy that I still possess is an irritation because I'm motivated to fix it but I don't have the energy to do so. I know that I can do more and I'm ready to do it! I have a weights routine, a walking plan, and I'm eager to get started.
3. Take care of the house. The little things build up, and I want to work in the garden, do a deep cleaning, etc.
4. Cook healthy meals again. For me, one trick to excelling on WW is cooking interesting, diverse foods...that way I don't get bored and I don't miss the fat/sugar/white flour so much. Plus, it's so very important to me to model excellent eating habits to Tessa.
5. Do things with friends. Meet friends to have a playdate, go on dates with Ryan, go to girls' night or bookclub....all the normal "fun" things.
6. Do my work for the Bellevue School District.
7. Update the blog.

It's really the little things that count and I'm so tired of not being able to do the essentials!

SO, on that note, it's 6:36pm and I'm off to bed. Good night!
Kristina

Clean pathology!

This morning, Katie from Dr. Paley's office called me, and reported that my pathology report just came in, and it is clean. There was no evidence of cancer, ovarian or otherwise, and everything looked great.

HURRAH! Maybe now the nightmares will stop....

Love,
Kristina

Proud of Ryan

As many of you know, Ryan joined Weight Watchers a while ago, inspired by the losses he saw from Michele & I as we stayed on the program (and with a few threats from his family doctor, too). Well, today Ryan reached his 10% goal! By losing 10% of his body weight, Ryan has put himself at lower risk for heart disease and diabetes, and in better health. I'm so, so proud of him for sticking with it.

And I must say, Ryan looks fantastic. He is having to buy new, smaller clothes because his old ones are so big he's swimming in them, and I think that I have a very handsome husband! I will have to take some pictures and post them here soon.

Ryan and I both have some miles to go on our weight loss journeys, but I am certain that we will reach our goals. This summer, I hope that you find us going for hikes together, running on the beach, and maybe even biking together (yikes do you think I evne know how to ride a bike any more?). It's fun to get skinny together.

Love,
Kristina

PS Thanks for listening to me vent here yesterday. Really, this process sucks, and I'm more than tired of it. It helps me to be honest about that...to scream and cry, then catch my breath and try to move forward.

Tired of this

I am so, so, so tired of this. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. I'm tired of having body parts removed. I'm tired of losing my femininity, one piece at a time. (Please do not tell me that femininity is an attitude. I know that, but I also know that it's made up of body parts that I no longer have.) I'm tired of being in so much pain...pain from radiation burns, pain from surgery. I'm tired of the strain it puts on my entire family, knowing how much it hurts them, too. I'm tired of having an abnormal life as the result of all of this. I'm tired. I live in fear that it will be like this forever.

I just want to be well. I want to be able to hug Tessa without fear that her head will bump my portacath (ouch) my radiation burn (OUCH) or my hysterectomy incisions (OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!).

I don't want to have to fake being strong all the time, I want to actually BE strong.

I know I've got a lot behind me, but the road is still so very, very long, and the last miles are the hardest because the fatigue has set in. My bones ache from it, and I wonder how I will go another step sometimes. Haven't I done enough? When is it enough? When do I get to be happy, healthy, and fit? Please, when???

I know I have a bad attitude tonight, and that I'll feel better in the morning. I know that I'll heal from the hysterectomy and then even get some laughs in before the next mastectomy and healing period. I'll be fine...I'm survivor, and I specialize in recovery and healing and making lemons out of lemonade. But it sucks, and I want to shout that, too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I can take it. But it's so horribly unfair that I have to deal with this, and that I'm not even close to being done.

Sigh. I'm sorry if you came here tonight looking for inspiration, because I am just out of inspiration today. I'm just so horribly weary from all of this.

Kristina

Recovery and lost my voice

Recovery is going well. I am extremely tender in the abdomen, and sudden movements are very painful, but if I remember to move slowly I feel fine.

Unfortunately, I have contracted a cold and I've completely lost my voice...I won't be able to pick up the phone because I can't talk! It's very frustrating, and not at all what I needed right now, but it is what it is. The worst part is that I feel like I really need to cough hard to clear my chest, but that pulls horrifically on my incisions, so that's out of the question. Ugh! Hopefully this will be short lived.

I'm reading all those magazines I bought and that friends gave me, and I've spent the entire morning snuggled in bed with Mozart (the cat) leaning on my foot. It could be worse!

Love,
Kristina

Home from the hospital

Hello, all! I'm writing to let you know that I'm home from the hospital, and that all is well.

I had a very restless night last night - I felt okay but was unable to sleep much. Fortunately, I had a gorgeous view of the Seattle skyline and even glimpses of West Seattle and the Sound out my window, so I was able to stare out at that and feel peaceful, even if I'd rather have been sleeping. I spent part of the night walking in circles around the ward, as suggested by the doc and PT (though I doubt they thought I'd be doing this at 2am!) to help my body to recover.

During the surgery, my abdomen was pumped full of carbon dioxide, and this is the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing at the moment. Fortunately, the pain meds are very effective and I don't have much to complain about. I have four very small incisions, and I feel pretty functional, though a bit tired. Walking is fine, sitting is fine, but the process of standing up or sitting down is uncomfortable as those motions use the abdominal muscles.

After leaving the hospital, I met up with Lori, and she drove me to the Breast Cancer 3-Day Kick-off Event at Ingraham High School. We watched an inspiring video, got some fundraising tips, and viewed various products (hats, shirts, walking shoes, etc.) for sale. I'll bet I was the only person there who'd had a hysterectomy in the past 24 hours!

Thank you to all of you who have called and offered support...I know how blessed I am to have you in my life.

Love,
Kristina

PS One thing I'm not thrilled about: I GAINED 8 pounds in this process!!!!! It's probably fluid retention and gas from the surgery, but I can't believe that I literally didn't eat solid food from Wednesday night to Saturday morning, AND I had organs removed, and I somehow gained weight. NO FAIR! The docs say that it will probably disappear within 3 days but still, I'm not pleased with my new, bloated self. Yuck!

Surgery update- It went great!

Hi All,

Thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts today! Despite a delay of about 2 hours while we waited for the previous surgery to finish up, Kristina's surgery went very well. According to the Doctor she had minimal blood loss and a preliminary look at the ovaries etc, showed no sign of cancer. A more detailed lab will be done and results will be available in about a week. Surgery started at about 2 pm and went till 4 and Kristina had about 2 hours in Recovery. Susan and I visited her when she got to her room and although she was initially groggy and parched she perked up after a supersized value meal of clear liquids (broth, water and popsicle) and some pain meds. She graduated to full liquid- read Milkshake, and even took a few slow laps around the ward as her doctor had suggested. About 9 PM it all caught up to her and she decided it was time to go to sleep. Thank you all for your support and thank you Grammie and Grandpa for taking such good care of TK, thank you Paul for waiting around and getting lunch with me and thank you Susan for being there this evening (and for treating for dinner!). I fully expect that Kristina will be back home tomorrow and giving a more thorough update.

Good night

One Tired, and relieved, Husband ;-)

Ready for surgery

I'm ready. I am in a good space mentally: I passed my EKG and chest X-rays today with flying colors, and my bloodwork from Wednesday all came back looking great, and I'm ready to go. I have lost at least two pounds on the liquid-diet-with-laxatives (YUCK!) that I was put on to prepare me for surgery, and tonight I plan on dreaming of chocolate cake. :-)

This evening, our friend Jenny had us over for dinner (mine was chicken broth and jello - Ryan, Jenny, and the kids all had "real" food!) and she gave me a lovely care package to take to the hospital. I am blessed by my friendships, and I do not forget that for a moment. Jenny is a new friend, and my friends new and old have surrounded me and made me feel cared for. Thank you to everyone for the calls, emails, and cards. I know how fortunate I am!

Tonight I had a nice, long bubble bath with Tessa, and an extra long snuggle with her before she went to sleep. I will miss her dreadfully while I'm recovering, but I know that she will be very happy with Grammy & Grandpa, and that they will have lovely adventures.

Ryan has been very supportive, and will be at my side at the hospital. Please give him a call or send him a thought or prayer, because while I'm sleeping, he'll be worrying. I love you, Ryan!

I will have Ryan update the blog tomorrow night. Wish me well - I'm off!
Love,
Kristina

Surgery Prep: Shopping

Yes, you read that right. I have recently become a shop-a-holic, and I've been buying new clothes to fit my new body. I am just tired of being unfeminine - after losing a breast, my hair, my eyelashes and eyebrows, getting fat, being covered in scars, and now about to lose a uterus/ovaries (this month) and another breast (next month), I was ready for some retail therapy. I want to be cute, I want to stand out, I want to be fashionable. I want to be thin, and I want to be healthy...and I want to show off my thin and healthy body! Sooo, I've been prepping for surgery by shopping a little. (My grandma gave me a check....SO appreciated, I can't even tell you, and her gift has funding my little extravagances.) I have a long way to go to be truly fashionable but I have made some strides. :-)

In other, less exciting, surgery prep, I have just entered the liquid-diet phase of surgery preparation, starting by taking an oral laxative that tasted so bad it's a wonder I didn't throw up. Grrr that's not fun....!

Today I had my oncology appointment, and another Herceptin infusion. Tomorrow, I have an EKG and chest x-ray, as well as my admit appointment for the hospital. Fun, fun, fun.

Many thanks to *susan* for the call today. (No, I didn't find shoes I could afford...but I found a lovely pair of Manolo Blahnik's for $413 ON SALE. Are they out of their minds? They may have been perfect but for $413 I want an entire wardrobe, not just a pair of shoes!)

Love,
Kristina

Surgery Updates

I just arrived home from my meeting with the gyn-onc, Dr. Paley. I was encouraged by our conversation, and I'm not dreading the surgery nearly as much as I was before.

Updates:
- The surgery will be at 11:45am, meaning an 8:45am admit time, which is a huge improvement over the 5:45am admit time I was initially given!
- Recovery shouldn't be nearly as bad as I was anticipating. I will still be able to do walking (for both practical and exercise reasons), and I can lift up to 10 pounds with each arm, and I can push a stroller as long as it's the jogger that rolls so easily.
- Within two weeks I will be thinking "Why have any restrictions at all?" which is great news. (The answer to that question is "so I don't pull out some stitches, get a hernia, and require an operation to fix it!)
- As long as I'm able to eat and drink normally, I will be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.

Speaking of eating and drinking...I'm going to have some unintentional weight loss because of all of this! Starting on WEDNESDAY evening, I will be on a clear-liquids diet in preparation for the surgery. If you see me on Thursday and I'm a bit, umm, grouchy, then you'll know why! I will be starving on such a diet, but it is what it is. (Speaking of diets, the scale gave me a new low number this morning - hurrah!)

I think my parents might take Tessa for a long weekend trip in their motorhome, and I think that she and they will LOVE it, and I will rest, guilt-free, at home during that time.

Between now and surgery I need to get another chest x-ray, do more blood work, and get an EKG...more appointments (sigh). But I can do this, and I'm not as nervous about it as I was just a few hours ago.

Kristina

So tired again

Why am I so **** tired? Tonight we were all going to go to Paul & Libby's and I just couldn't get off the couch. I've done nothing all evening (Ryan & Tessa went to visit P&L without me, with my blessing) and I'm STILL tired. It's horribly frustrating. Life is meant to be lived, and here I am, doing nothing! I hate that feeling.

I also worry because surgery is days away and it is not going to raise my energy levels...

Kristina

Update on friend's mammogram

My friend has let me know that her mammogram was clear. HURRAH! Now she and I can bond over children, dogs, and a love of West Seattle instead of over cancerous lumps.

Kristina

Princess Tessa in her realm

Tessa has entered a princess stage. Here's proof:

poetry

This was posted on the YSC site. I had to share it, because I am a strong woman.
-----------------
(http://www.wnet.org/foolingwithwords/mainlst_piercy.html)

"For strong women"
by Marge Piercy

A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.

A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why
aren't you dead?

A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.

A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.

A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.

What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

Pelvic ultrasound okay

Today I did a pelvic ultrasound. Good news - my ovaries look normal, and there was nothing unusual on the ultrasound. Between that and the CA125 I'm hoping that I'm in the 83-90% of people in my situation who do NOT have ovarian cancer cells lurking in their body.

Kristina

Oops - surgery date goof

I think I posted that surgery is March 30, but it's the 31st (a Friday). I will be checking in at (yawwwwwn!) 5:30am that morning, and released the next afternoon/evening if things go well. Recovery will be about four weeks, including two weeks where I won't be able to do much. (Argh this is going to be difficult!)

Love,
Kristina

Busy life

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted - the time really does fly by. In part, this is due to the fact that I'm trying as hard as I can to just move ahead with my life and do the normal things of life; in part it's due to trying to find 10 hours a week to do my new job; in part it's due to the fact that I am really, really tired these days and find myself going to bed when Tessa does.

I continue to dread my upcoming surgeries, and, more importantly, the recovery from those surgeries. It feels like for every step forward, there are two steps back, and that's hard to take. Right now, aside from the fatigue, I feel great, but I know that in a couple weeks I'll be bedridden. That's a difficult idea for me.

This morning, a friend of mine is going in for a mammogram to check out some suspicious findings in her breast. Please send out a prayer for her that this is nothing, and that she is healthy and well, and doesn't need any treatment. Last month, I received two frantic phonecalls from friends whose friends had just been diagnosed ("How did you pick your doctor?" "What advice do you have?" "How do I help my friend?") and it hits me again how prevalent this **** disease is. I help my friends joyfully to get through these rough times - that's what friends are for - but it makes me ache that yet more sisters are initiated to the club.

As for my own treatment, it's pretty quiet between now and surgery. Today I'm having a pelvic ultrasound, I still go to Herceptin infusions, I'm still in physical therapy, but I don't see a doctor every day, and that's an improvement!

I'm continuing on my Weight Watchers mission, and I've lost a total of 24.2 pounds so far. The weight loss has slowed, but continues, and I am diligent about tracking my points and making healthy choices (not always the easiest thing to do!). Those size 8s feel really darn good, and I'm motivated to stay in them (or even to drop one more size). Ryan has joined WW with me, and has lost 18+ pounds, and I'm really proud of him for doing that. We're going to get healthy together, and THAT is a good thing. I'm also back to exercising, and yesterday the team did a walk of 6 miles that I joined. I'm doing light weights and stretching every day, too, in the hope of toning my body and preparing myself for surgeries. All this is time consuming, but I'm learning to adapt it into my schedule.

My new job is very interesting, and I really enjoy the work, but finding time for it is a challenge. When I do find the time, I go to the coffee shop nearest our house (C&P - really, the best lattes in Seattle, I think) and settle in for hours, calling it my office. When I find the rhythm of the job, I think that I've got a pretty darn good set-up.

Tessa continues to grow, learn, and delight in her world, with the occassional fantadstic temper tantrum thrown in. She's an angel and a delight...I'll post more stories about her soon.

That's all from me for now - Tessa is demanding attention (not surprising!). I will try to update more soon, including some pictures.

Love,
Kristina

Bloodwork with good results

Yesterdaay, with my heart in my mouth and my stomach in knots, I called my oncologist's office to see if they had the results of my CA 125 screen. (CA 125 is a marker in the blood for ovarian cancer; my CA 27.29 is a breast cancer marker, which has been in the normal range since my surgery, but I hadn't had a CA 125 done.) My gyn-onc was concerned that I hadn't had one done, and needed me to do it before surgery. With the "10-17%" in my head, the whole thing made me very nervous.

Well, good news. The range of normal is up to 39, and I'm a 9. Perfect! The test is certainly not 100% accurate in predicting ovarian cancers (some doctors don't even look at these markers because of their fallibility) but it's still a relief to pass this checkpoint with flying colors.

All of my other bloodwork (red and white cell counts, etc.) is in the normal range, but in looking at the trend, my numbers have been falling for over a month, and were at a low last week. This is not surprising given the radiation I've had, and I feel more tired now than I did a couple of weeks ago, so it all adds up. Often, radiation fatigue kicks in when radiation ends, and that is certainly the case with me. It's nothing I need to worry about, but it's certainly something that drags me down. It's no fun to wake up after 10 hours of sleep and feel exhausted!

I must say...the thing that's really driving me right now is about weight loss/getting fit. I want to sleep in my size 8's because it makes me so happy that they fit me...now isn't that silly? It just feel so good to have hit this milestone. I keep sneaking peeks in the full length mirror at our house to assure myself that really, it's true, and that I have lost so much weight. Certainly, there's more weight to follow, but I am enjoying the journey so much more from this weight than any other I've had in the past several years.

I will add, though, that's it's gotten a bit more difficult to stay on track. At my new weight, I only get 20 points a day (plus the 35 weekly flex points) and I feel hungry a lot more often. I've come to realize that I must give up my mochas - it is both healthier and more filling to have a latte (the milk gives me needed calcium, and the coffee doesn't have any extra points) and an apple, instead of my beloved mocha. This is slightly boring, to say the least, but well worth it!

Love,
K