Difficult Decisions

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

I am scheduled to have surgery on October 23rd. I've done my pre-op appointment, I've got childcare lined up, and I've arranged for my own babysitters during the 24 hour surveilance period after the surgery when Ryan's at work.

I've also started looking into the financial ramifications of this surgery, and I found out a few things:
1. This is going to cost $2000 out of pocket, which happens to (coincidentally) be the maximum annual out of pocket for our new insurance
2. The new health insurance operates on a calendar year, and so even though we didn't start with this company until Oct. 1, the out of pocket restarts on Jan.1.

Because of that, and because of the fact that I use up all of my out-of-pocket costs most years, I am looking at postponing my surgery until the new year and effectively saving us $2000.

This is not a decision I want to make. That is an understatement, actually. The way I really feel about it is essentially unprintable; it involves a lot of four letter words and foot stamping and whining and the kind of crying that is really snotty.

I hate my expanders. In addition to the fact that they look terrible, and they're deformed, and my breasts are no longer on the same parallel and it's even visible when I'm fully clothed, the expanders hurt. Sometimes they're merely uncomfortable, sometimes they're painful, but they're always present in my life. They disrupt my sleep (imagine sleeping on baseballs implanted under your skin, and you've about got it), they make me uncomfortable in my own body. I hate them, and this surgery is all about getting rid of them.

So, I have a conflict. Financial concerns versus physical concerns. What kind of decision is that?! It's completely unfair to me to have to make that kind of decision, and it sucks. Yes, sucks. There is no more literary term to define it: sucks is about the only word that will suffice.

I am strongly leaning towards postponing the surgery. Our family has aquired too much debt through this process already, and we already have payment plans set up with two hospitals. We don't need to add $2000 to that pile....if I do the surgery in October, we will aquire $4000 in medical expenses between now and Dec 2009, but if I do the surgery in January, we will "only" acquire $2000 in medical expenses. (Not including copays, prescriptions, or other "not included" categories...but I won't go there for the sake of this post.)

I'm trying to be an adult about it. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not putting off the surgery indefinately, only for a couple of months. I'm trying to remind myself that financial intelligence sometimes involves making difficult decisions, and that I'm not immune from avoiding difficulties, either. I'm trying to remember that a few years from now, a few months one way or the other won't make much of a difference, but paying interest on credit cards for that same time might still be making a difference.

I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and do what is right for my family, not just for me.

I'm trying to remember that I have dealt with much, much worse stuff in my life. I'm trying to remember that it's "only" reconstruction, and it's not a life-saving technique.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I'm so dreadfully tired of having surgery hanging over my head, and that I just want it over with.

I'm trying to remember that I am allowed to put myself first.

I'm trying to remember that making a decision that benefits my family will make me feel good, too.

I'm trying.

If you pray, please put in a prayer for me that I will make the right decision about this, whatever that might be. I have not decided what I should do, or what I must do, or what I can do; I have not decided if should and can are the same thing. If I postpone the surgery, I do not know how to remove the black cloud from over my head; if I have the surgery now I do not know how to avoid feeling guilty at the cost.

I would love to have an answer. Anybody have advice?