Sad

I think I'm having another breakdown.

I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

I utterly regret going off Lexapro, and I wish that Dr. Baer hadn't moved.

Ryan's job loss, tension at our house, fears about the future (job and financial and health).... I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything is topsy-turvy, and I don't know which end is up.

I will get through this. I always do, somehow. I just don't know where the well of strength went. I am totally at a loss as to what to do, think, say. I feel "wrong." I feel like an idiot that I thought it would get easier. I feel like a fool.

To top it off, today somebody said something unkind to me. It made me cry, even though I should be angry, but I haven't got it in me to be angry today. Just a small, stupid, petty thing, but it hurt my feelings on a day when I was a bundle of hurt anyway.

It's a bad day.

The breakdown thing is real - I have "racing thoughts" and I'm swirling in a sea of negativity. Ryan was working on his resume and had to come home because I couldn't stop crying in front of Tessa. That kid will be scarred for life if our household keeps up this crap....and that only makes me cry more. Is the second breakdown as bad as the first? Or will my knowledge of the cycle make it better? I feel like a lunatic - nothing good seems possible, nothing seems good, and I trust nothing. I'm waiting for yet another punch to the gut...it seems likely it will come soon.

I'm waiting for the cancer to return. I hear it whispering to me.

I will do what I need to do.
- Call the new therapist number
- Start taking Lexapro once again (and stay on it even when I get "better")
- Meet with Rev. Peg to get some wisdom
- Put on my big girl panties and get over it

Today sucks. This week sucks.

At church today there was a quote, and I'm trying to believe it today.

First they ignore you.

Then they laugh at you.

Then they fight you.

Then you win.

-- Ghandi

I don't feel it or believe it, but it is fuel for thought. Today I'm a mess, and a laughing stock. Maybe tomorrow will be better.