Relief

I went to my oncologist, Dr. Rinn, today. I am declared okay. I can breathe again; I can exhale.

What I didn't say on my blog is that last week I found three new lumps, all in a row, on my "healthy" side. They weren't there, and then they were. They were hard, and visible when I looked in the mirror.

They terrified me. For a moment, my mind went to the darkest places - the fear of what would come, the gratitude that I'd had another three years with Tessa and Ryan after the initial diagnosis. I thought that if this were it, at least Tessa would have memories of me. It is not an accident that I carry my camera everywhere. One day, Tessa will know that her mother wanted to capture every moment, fully aware of how precious it is. If I am gone, the pictures will remain.

My mind visited these dark places and tried not to panic.

The bell curve of reoccurances shows that the greatest number, in my kind of cancer, occur between years two and three after diagnosis. My three year diagnosis anniversary is June 1, and I choked to think that I might not get to that anniversary without the reoccurance. I'm not safe after June 1 - it just doesn't work like that - but my risk decreases. June 1 this year is very symbolic to me.

But today, Dr. Rinn definitively stated that it was scar tissue and adhesions pulling on the expander. She was certain. She was not concerned. She told me to call tomorrow to get my bloodwork (CA 27.29) results back, but not to worry. She said to come back in November, after my next surgery, to get checked and to get another DEXA (bone density) scan.

I couldn't wait to get out of the building. Tessa was with me, so I put on my best Mommy face and tried to be brave, but it was all that I could do to keep from hyperventilating; tears were close at hand and I had to focus intensely to keep them back. It felt overwhelmingly terrifying. I think I can say that I HATE visiting there.

But it's over, and I was declared safe for the moment. I am grateful.

Grateful.