I don't want to face this day. We were going to go to the Admiral 4th of July Parade this morning, and we bought streamers and flags to decorate Tessa's bike, and she was going to throw candy from her bike basket. Then we were going to go to the C&P BBQ with friends & neighbors, and then we were going to BBQ with the Hisatomi's. It sounded like an amazing, wonderful day. We'd even talked about letting Tessa nap after dinner, and then walking her in the stroller to Alki to see the fireworks.
Instead, we have to face needles, fevers, the ER, and scans searching for "something." I hate this. Of course all of my own experiences leading up to this don't make it any easier; I can't help but remember what it was like to see my own scan results up on the light box as the doctor talked about tumors and malignancy for the first time. Will today be like that day?
If there is something awful, it will be worse than the first time. Worse, for two reasons. One, because I would know how awful the journey could become....very little is left to the imagination, having been down that road already. Two, because it's Tessa. I would go through it myself ten more times rather than have these fears for HER.
And yes, I know, this could still be nothing. I'm praying for that. It's just that I know how "something" can go, and it scares me more than I can say.
I'm off to put on a good face, to gather a bag of toys, and to take my daughter to the ER. Please wish us luck and health, and that this will become just a bad memory and nothing more.
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