Harumph

Today, filled with good spirits and energy, I started the day by heading to the hospital to do another Herceptin treatment and to get another expansion at the plastic surgeon's office, in addition to having my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon (next on the calendar: March 2; breast corrections on the existing implant, and removing the expander and replacing it with an implant on the other side).

I am so filled with energy and enthusiasm after my conference that I wanted to forget some of the day to day realities, but today they hit me.

The Herceptin infusion was fine, though I do have to schedule another MUGA (heart test) for next week to make sure it's not toxic. But the expansion....OUCH! I got another 60ccs injected into the expander, and it feels like I have a vice on my chest, or that I've just been punched in the chest, or that maybe I just got hit in the chest by a flying boulder, or something like that. The pressure and pain are beyond "uncomfortable" and into that zone where it's hard to think because the pain is distracting. I took a Vicodan, and it's not helping. My PS prescribed more Vicodan, and though I hate to take it (can't drive, have a harder time concentrating) I have to confess that it's hard to function without it. Right now, I'm STILL in pain, even though I had the VIcodan an hour ago and it should have taken effect by now.

ARGHHHHHHHH! I am so tired of this garbage.

I'm looking at the future, though. I bought a bikini to wear in Hawaii, and by then I will have two breasts, hopefully symmetrical ones. I won't have nipples, but nobody but Ryan will know (see) that. I have some major range of motion issues right now because of leftover issues from surgery and radiation, and the PS thinks that she can correct them by cutting through some of the tight scar tissue that is restraining me. I have elected to get my port out on March 2nd, as well, despite the fact that I continue to use it for Herceptin. I'm tired of Tessa's head bonking into it (it hurts!), and I'm tired of the bump under my skin. I'm tired of the reminder that it was placed there for chemo. I will get future Herceptin treatments through a regular IV. Today the nurses looked at my veins, and they said they've recovered, and IV will be fine.

Progress is being made. Mostly, I feel great. I'm just mad that I don't have the strength today to carry grocery bags, and that was on my list; I'm also mad that I don't have the capacity to work on some of my more intellectual pursuits because the d*** pain is so distracting.

By Hawaii, things will be better. That is my mantra!