Catch up

I am in a constant state of catch up right now. It seems that over the past six months, breast cancer has ruled my life, and with breast cancer as my leader everything else has fallen apart, including my body, my house, my stack of books to read, my return of phone calls and email, and the always-present to do list. After surgery and chemo, I didn't have the heart to face any of these things, and now I'm scrambling to catch up on all seven months worth of life.

I am, of course, bitter and resentful about how much the breast cancer stole from the last seven months of my life. How could it be otherwise? I'm angry about the negative changes in my body (including the fact that I gained 22 pounds over the course of chemo), angry that I haven't had the energy to care for my house, angry that I haven't been able to play at the park with my daughter, angry at how breast cancer impacted my husband. But right now, I just don't have the energy to focus on how angry I am, because I am too busy playing catch up.

Of course, one big thing I'm trying to take care of is catching up with my body's changes and improving upon the situation. I'm thrilled with last week's weight loss of seven pounds, and I have been on track this week, as well. (I don't expect another huge loss this week because it's not reasonable to think that my body can keep up such an unhealthy rate of loss, but I do hope for a slow and steady loss.) Taking control in this way feels fabulous, as I've said, and it's one way to wind back the clock and make things more like they were.

Related to the above, I've also returned to cooking for myself and my family. I really couldnt' have survived without all of the incredible meals that friends and family made me, and I'm eternally grateful for their sustanance and the love with which the meals were made. Of course, though, I am simply grateful to be in a position to take care of myself again. I've been trying out new recipes (this weekend I made chicken with pears and cranberries, and shrimp creole, and both recipes were fabulous) and stocking my fridge again, and this feels like a way of normalizing our lives once again.

I've also been trying to catch up with friends. (If I haven't called you yet, don't worry, I will!) I just didn't have the energy to return the phone calls I received, and now I'm anxious to reconnect with people. This weekend we had the Savas and Gray families over for dinner, and it was great to watch the girls (between the three families we have five girls!) play together and to attempt adult conversation over the din of the girls' playing. It's a change from the past seven months that I was the hostess, and not the guest, and I am appreciative of being able to play that role again.

I've also returned to my role as a preschool mom. I'm a member of the PAC committee, I'm back to attending meetings, and I'm attending classes with Tessa. This is such a mark of normalcy that it makes me want to weep with joy. I'm not the absent cancer mom, I'm present. Hallelujah!

I've also been enjoying time returning to bookclub, spending a weekend downtown with Susan with barely a care in the world (so fun!), shopping with Michele, planning Tessa's birthday, going to the park, having a zillion playdates, and being awake enough to talk to Ryan in the evenings. I'm ready to start trading babysitting with other parents (instead of just using friends and not reciprocating), and to make meals for my friends who are about to have babies.

I've donated a stack of cancer related books to the Swedish library, and one of my wigs and a handful of hats has gone there as well. My bedside table has a book on Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, my latest bookclub book, and a whole stack of New Yorkers that I'm dying to catch up on...and not cancer stuff.

I'm planning more fundraisers for the 3-Day walk, and I'm trying to get walks in where I can (difficult not because of my physical condition, but because we're trying to set a record for most number of days straight of rain).

It's busy, and I love it. I don't take a minute to ask myself if I'm tired, because I don't want to know the answer. I dont want to be tired, not like that, ever again. Maybe if I run fast enough, I can outrun the fatigue of radiation.

Kristina