Raining

At this time of year, I love the rain - the sound of it, and particularly the smell of it. It washes away the accumulated dust of summer and refreshes. It sends me back indoors to cups of steaming tea and good books and soft throw blankets and quiet music and family board games. It feels rich and lush on my skin, and on the dry grass.

But it also feels appropriately gray. I never met Lisa in person, but I am grieving.

I am struggling with my own medical situation, too. Next week I need to decide, with the help of my surgeon, whether to undergo surgery again. I am struggling with the idea that I might have cancer again. I am not sleeping well; I have a hard time falling asleep and then I wake up in the middle of the night and lie there, restless and slightly scared. My sleep is fitful. What is my life bringing me next? Am I strong enough to handle another hit? How can I protect my family from the pain that comes with such a hit? How can I stop from going insane in the process?

I am still praying that it is nothing, of course. But part of the struggle is accepting that this is my path for the rest of my life: there will be tests, and there will be fear, and there will be waiting. Never again will I be normal, never again will I be innocent. My knowledge carries a heavy
price.

Praying that it is nothing.

And trying to live my life fully, and not just crawl into bed for the next week.

I remain very focused on my efforts to cook sustainable, local, seasonal, healthy food. We eat tomatoes with every meal right now; last night I brought bruschetta to my girls' night in potluck with friends; today, I'll make that again or maybe switch up to insalate caprese. Katie gave me more plums, and I'm in the middle of making jam - "real" jam, not the freezer variety - for the first time. (Thanks to Kathleen for giving me her canning stuff.) If it wasn't raining today I'd hoped to pick blackberries for more jam.

Yesterday Tessa and I went downtown with friends to SAM and the water taxi and the Pike Place donut shop (I didn't eat any donuts - yay me).

Today we're having some friends over for an end of summer BBQ....indoors, apparently, because of the rain.

Next week, Tessa begins school. We've got her school supplies (with horse pictures on them) and her backpack (with a horse on it) and her new clothes (mostly with horse motifs).

I'm moving my herbs out of pots and into the ground, so that they will be in the front of the house and have a chance to grow more.

It takes effort to do these fun things, or these chores, because there is a big part of me that wants to curl up in a ball and cry "I'm so scared, I'm so scared."

On Thursday I hope to have the surgery/no surgery decision. Most of all, I hope to find peace.

I'm glad there is church tomorrow.

Loss

I have mentioned before that someone I "know" on the YSC was dying, and that I struggle with that.

Today, Lisa died.

She was a mentor, a bright light, a wise voice in the darkness. I miss her already.

Sbe shared this song as a favorite, and it speaks to how I'm feeling now.
---------------
Jane Siberry - Calling All Angels lyrics
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A man is placed upon the steps,
a baby cries
And high above him
you hear the church bells start to ring.
The heaviness, the heaviness of it settles in,
A mother starts to sing.
Then it's one foot then the other
as you step along the road
Steppin' on the road,
how much weight,
how much weight?
And it's how long
and how far and how many times,
Oh, before it's too late?
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
We're trying,
we're hoping,
but we're not sure how...
Oh and every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity.
Why it's almost as if, if you could only crack the code
You'd finally understand what this all means.
Oh but if you could, do you think you would
Have traded all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of the light upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels!
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone
Calling all angels,
calling all angels,
We're trying, we're hoping
but we're not sure...
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels
We're trying,
we're hoping,
we're hurting,
we're loving
We're crying,
we're calling,
But we're not sure how this goes."

SIGG bottles and BPA

Check this out:
http://www.sigg.com/news-media/press-releases/press-releases-detail/ceo-letters-about-our-liners

I chose SIGG bottles specifically because I did not believe that they had BPA (a chemical used in some plastic bottles, and can linings, which is a known carcinogen found in high concentration in breast cancer tumors, among other things). Well, this month it has come to light that until August 2008, SIGG liners did indeed contain trace amounts of BPA. Since that time, they have changed, and newer SIGG bottles do not have BPA.

I am pleased that the company has corrected their policy, and that they are offering free bottles as replacements to existing customers. I'm gathering up my bottles and sending them in, and encourage you to do the same. Their website has shipping labels and information about returns, including how to tell if your bottle is the old style with BPA or the new, BPA style. (Hint: if you have a bronze interior on your bottle, it's the old style; if it's a matte finish yellow interior, it's the new style. But check out their website to learn more.)

I'm disappointed that it took a year for SIGG to advertise this information; I have used my Buddha bottle for well over a year, and I probably drank on average two full containers from it each day as my primary source for water. I'd given SIGG bottles as gifts, too, and I've talked up the company on here on my blog as a green alternative to plastic or one use bottles. Still, I am glad that the information is public now, and that the company is willing to take a loss to do what is right to correct the situation by replacing older bottles. The cost of shipping the bottles back is well worth it to me.

Since I left my Buddha bottle at the zoo last week, I need to get it back before I send mine in. I'll update on my response from SIGG after I've sent mine in and (hopefully) received replacements.

Catching up

I haven't been online as much lately - not really sure why, just not in the mood.

We had a fabulous time at Cannon Beach. Sand castles, coffee, kites, run on the beach (me), bike rides (Ryan), and just those simple pleasures. We love the Surf Sand hotel that we go to.

And, treat of treats - we got to see the Shogrens! We ran into our old friends, and had some wonderful time together.

Now we're home, and doing small things...a BBQ with neighbors (fun), church (nice to be back), Farmer's Market, little house projects. We're eating a lot from our garden - today we harvested a nice basket of pears, and every day we're harvesting tomatoes, especially cherry tomatoes by the hundreds. (Matt's Wild Cherry is VERY prolific, for those who want to know.) Tonight I made pasta (fresh from the market) with zuchinni and crookneck (from Sarah's garden and ours, respectively), tomatoes (garden), basil (market), chantrelles (market), goat and parmesan cheese (TJs) with just a little garlilc, salt, and olive oil. Okay, a dab of butter too, I'll confess. Anyway, it was delicious, and tasted so amazingly fresh - not surprising, given that most of it had been picked that day.

On a more substantive note...
I am still struggling with medical issues. I spoke to my oncologist about my recent test results, and she told me (as I thought) that an FNA (fine needle aspiration) biopsy is not 100% definitive. My lymph nodes are still large, and we don't know why. I am not happy about the wait and see process if there might be cancer growing inside me - either lymphoma or breast cancer could do this. I have an appointment on September 10 to meet with my breast surgeon to discuss options. If she thinks it is advisable to wait, I will wait. If she thinks that I should have surgery to have the entire nodes (one at my sternum, resting on my lung, in the center of my chest; the other two deep in my armpit) removed/biopsied, I will do that. It would be a serious surgery, more scarring, more recovery. It goes without saying, I hope, that I dread the idea, and that I don't want to go under the knife again. Still, I will go with her recommendation because my onc and I are both on the fence about whether it's a good idea.

What a roller coaster. It makes my back tight just thinking about it.

Still, we are enjoying summer's lazy days. Yesterday Katie delivered a basket of plums, and I made two plum cakes for a BBQ, and gave her a basket of tomatoes in return. There is much to be grateful for.

Off to Portland/Cannon Beach

We leave today for vacation - have a good week, everyone.

In the minority

The bag fee did not pass:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/politics/2009686467_elexseabagfee19m.html

I'm disappointed. I am sure we have not heard the end of it, though, and I hope that one day we look back at this and say "things were sure different back then."

Some say that instead of having a twenty cent tax, we should just ban plastic bags. I'm okay with that, actually.

Never ending appointments

This morning I went back to Swedish for my Zometa infusion. I have had a lot of hand holding this week; this time it was Sarah with baby Leif. (My gratitude to my friends...I am so blessed.)

Two tries for the IV, and the appointment lasted two and a half hours, but otherwise uneventful. Now I get to wait and see if I get "flu like symptoms" in the next day as a side effect like last time.

Sometime this week I need a chest x-ray just to confirm what is going on with my lymph nodes. My CBC (bloodwork) came back a-okay, but nobody knows why my nodes are so very large.

I don't feel elated about my good news because it seems like it's uncertain. "Probably" no big deal. I just keep that I will start to feel much better when all these tests are fully behind me....just the x-ray left.

And now: back to chores, and a rather recalcitrant, sassy six year old. Please, where is my dear sweet Tessa? She is in major disequilibrium right now and I'm trying not to engage in power struggles....but we are struggling. Deep breaths....

Exhausted

Is it this week? Is it spending two hours waiting for my appointment at Swedish today? Is it yet another blood draw? Am I still just coming down from the stress of the biopsy?

Whatever it is, I am so very tired. To the point of not being able to cope. Off to bed!

Some observations about the bag tax

Seattle needs to decide whether to accept a twenty cent bag tax.

Some observations:
- When I was in Italy for three months in 1994, I went grocery shopping my first week. The clerks looked at me, confused - where was my bag? How did I expect to bring home my purchases? In Sienna, you bring your own bag. No questions, just everybody does it. People in Sienna are rich and poor, young and old, and somehow, they all do this.

- Most stores sell reusable bags for one or two dollars, or even give them away for promotions. The reusable bags are not expensive, and what's more, most people have a dozen reusable bags or totes that they could use already, without buying more. Most people I know also have a stash of paper and plastic bags from previous shopping trips that could last them months.

- The plastics industry has spent over a million dollars to try to fight this legislation. It could have provided a million reusable bags instead for the same cost.

- When asked, many Seattleites oppose the bag tax, feeling annoyed by yet another expenditure. But those same Seattleites point out that if they were charged for bags, they'd be more likely to bring their own bags.

- The poor are not likely to suffer from this legislation, despite what the anti-reusable-bag folks have said. Poor people are not stupid, and they are perfectly capable of bringing their own reusable bags with them, and they will. Food banks will hand out food in reusable bags, and people will donate reusable bags to the food banks. (I have a half dozen of them in my attic waiting to be delivered.)

- Approximately 30% of customers are bringing their own bags already. I think that this is up about 30% from five years ago. People CAN change, and though people resist change, it isn't that painful. 30% have already figured that out.

- I decided a year or two ago not to bring any more one use bags into my house. In that time, I think I've brought in five (because I forgot my bag, or my items didn't fit into my bag). I used to bring home 1-2 bags a day on average, so by that calculation I've saved probably 600 bags in a very short amount of time.

- The way that I remembered my bags was by promising myself that I would not shop without them. If I'm in the grocery lineup and remember that I forgot them in the car, I exit the line (taking care not to make people wait for me) if necessary, I park my cart somewhere, tell a clerk I'll be right back, and run to my car to retrieve the bags. This is annoying, and so after doing that perhaps three times, I don't forget my bags any more. If I can learn, you can too.

- I carry a bag in my purse. When buying Tessa a few school clothes items at Old Navy last week, I said "I have my own bag" and put the clothes in that bag. Invariably, I get the same comments from the clerk each time. No, not "why on earth did you bring a bag?" but "oh that's such a cute bag - what a good idea!" I love my purse bag because it has a darling style, it's very strong (I've hauled milk, canned goods, etc in it before with no problem), and best of all it folds up really small so that it fits in my purse and I simply always have it with me. I use it, refold it, and back into my purse it goes, alongside my wallet and keys.

In my opinion, if the bag tax passes, the best thing that could happen is that no money would be made on the bag tax. If everyone brought their own bags, nobody would have to spend extra money at all, and the environment would be a winner. And "the environment" is you and I: the air we breathe, the water

we drink. We all win.

Think about it, please.

And in case you've missed it other times, the bag I love is called Envirosax. They come out with new patterns each season. I have two of them, and one is coming up on two years old, I think, and none-the-worse-for-wear. I use one of them almost daily. (I only have two because I am a bag lady who loves a pretty bag!)
http://www.envirosax.com/products/graphic_series/
They are available widely; PCC stocks them, and so do some of the cute shops in The Junction.

Ryan has a Chico bag, which is a lot more masculine (it's plain), but the same idea and a little less expensive:
http://www.chicobag.com/p-16-chicobag-original.aspx
We got his at Thriftway.

I'm not in the bag business, so I'm not invested in anybody buying bags. You can use the freebie given to you at your last conference, or you can reuse the plastic bags in your cupboard, or you can stick things in your purse (purses are really large these days!), or tuck them in your diaper bag, or your computer bag, or your briefcase, or for small items, just say "I don't need a bag" and carry it out in your hand.

This isn't rocket science. And it isn't difficult, either, and once you get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Thanks for considering.

The next day

Today definitely feels like "the first day of the rest of my life." I feel like I have been given another chance - not just a second chance, but another chance - to live my life. This comes with the reminder that it is the only life I have, and that I must give it my all, offering my life the best of myself.

It means I must be true to myself.

I continue to think about what this means to me. What does my "best life" look like? What internal factors am I in control of? Where do I need to change? Where should I stay the course? I think that this is less about going a different direction in my life, and more about tweaking the details. I want to spend my time more wisely, I want to take better care of my body, I want to leave off the excuses.

In the depth of my fear, I was bargaining with God. Of course, I don't believe that God takes these kinds of bargains, but none-the-less, I was bargaining. I need to exercise more, eat more healthy food, less wine, more writing, more structure to my day. Really, I am bargaining with myself, as we all have God within us, I think. This is my life, and I must live up to it. Care of the shell of my body will pay off.

I am just so incredibly grateful to have yet another opportunity to appraise my life from a healthy vantage point. I am tired of wake-up-calls, but I will take the blessing along with the curse. I am thankful to be approaching my fortieth birthay, thankful to see Tessa enter first grade, thankful for my comfortable home, thankful for my community, thankful for my family, thankful for my friends, thankful for the black and white cat curled up at my feet and thankful for the big black dog who gazes at me so adoringly. I'm thankful for the books that are in piles all through my house, and for the many West Seattle libraries which bring even more books in. I'm thankful for garden fresh tomatoes, and for hot sunny days followed by cool damp ones.

I'm thankful for Tessa's laughter as we danced in the kitchen yesterday.

I'm thankful for my big cup of coffee this morning (thanks, Ryan).

I am so thankful for my life.

What I didn't predict...

...is how tired I would be after all this. HUGELY relieved, but exhausted.

Great news

BENIGN!

Oh thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou...

More info to follow, but I wanted to post this as soon as I could.

No news

I did call and pester my oncologist's office, but I don't have any news to report. Hopefully tomorrow.

And no question what I'm hoping and praying for!

Keeping busy

I doubt I will hear anything about my biopsies until tomorrow, and so we're just forging ahead with our regular plan. Today Tessa and I will hang out with my parents; unfortunately, I'm not allowed to go swimming but I'll sit poolside and watch. Anyway, I won't be near the computer but trust me, if I get an update, I'll update tonight.

Thank you so much for your messages and continued prayers.

Home from biopsy

It's been a rough afternoon. My appointment was at 1pm and I got home at 5:30pm with light traffic.

The first problem was that they needed some special solution to put the biopsy samples in to test for lymphoma, and they didn't have any at the nuclear medicine place. I sat around in a stupid gown for an hour and a half before I got started.

WHAT???? Lymphoma?

They took six needle aspirations from 2 different locations on my right (untreated) side: one not far from the center of my chest, and the other under my armpit. They dug around for a full hour plus, no joking, under guidance of ultrasound.

She kept saying "It could just be inflammatory." I kept repeating, "You mean an inflammation, right? Not inflammatory breast cancer?" and she was like, "ummm, yah." Sigh. It could be metastases. It could be lymphoma. Or it could be "just an inflammation."

Biopsy results in 24 to 48 hours. In the meantime, I'm poked full of holes, and I have ice packs wedged into my little A-cup bra.

It's been a rough day. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Salmon fillets in red wine

Mark Bittman and Deborah Madison are my chosen muses (great food, but not fussy; check out their cookbooks), and today's dish comes from Bittman, because I had some salmon fillets in the freezer and Madison is vegetarian. We've got some garden tomatoes to serve on the side, and I've been debating whether insalate caprese would be too much with this dish (salmon is pretty rich, after all).

Next I'll delve into Madison's book to figure out a vegetarian meal for Thursday. Tomorrow we're eating with my parents, so I'll bring some kind of side dish that I haven't figured out yet.

My appointment is in five hours. Instead of obsessing over that, I've decided to obsess over food.

Edited to add: Thursday's plan: Summer Squash, Herb and Rice Gratin with home made tomato sauce. (Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone, Page 286) I was thinking that maybe my family would tolerate the Cauliflower Gratin with Tomatoes and Feta but since I don't have cauliflower right now and squash is in season (yellow crookneck growing in our garden) I'll hold off.

Food thoughts

Since watching Julie & Julia this weekend I have really had food on the brain.

Of course, it is better to think about food than needle biopsies, which is what I'm trying so desperately to avoid thinking about.

But back to the food....

I don't think I have any desire to become a Julie/Julia style cook. I think that there were 100 pounds of butter in the film, and while I do enjoy butter, I don't think of it as my best friend. A little here, a little there - yes. A pound per plate? No thank you. And I do enjoy cooking, but not for hours at a time every single day.

But maybe I can challenge myself in some other way. What if I simply challenged myself to make a home cooked meal, with no processed ingredients, every night for a month? I cook frequently, but I'm not deluding myself into believing that I've ever gone thirty straight days with all home cooked food. We get take-out, or go out, or do store bought ravioli or something.

Tonight, for example, I didn't feel like cooking. But alas, there is the money issue (still haven't found it growing on trees), and in addition, I had some boneless skinless chicken thighs that needed cooking. I rummaged through the fridge and pantry and found the usual suspects: rice,onion, carrot, potato, spinach, garlic, fresh tomatoes from the garden. I decided that this was the basis for a curry....and I used the bottled Trader Joe's curry sauce. Ironically, we're about to sit down to dinner, and I regret my decision to fake it part way through. I make a good curry, and this one is comparably a bit bland. I chopped all the veggies (including finely chopping a couple good handfuls of spinach - shhh, don't tell my family, they won't think they're eating greens), sauteed the onion and garlic, chopped the chicken and seasoned it with a bit of salt, and added that to the onion. I poured the sauce on top, and added chopped carrot and potato, and simmered until they were nearly soft. Then I added the chopped spinach, which sort of absorbs into the sauce. At the very end I'll add some fresh chopped tomatoes. It would have been nearly as easy to measure my own curry spices, maybe some tomato sauce, some coconut milk. Ah well, live and learn.

But I'm inspired to go on some kind of foodie adventure of my own, for its own sake...not for the blogging of it, but because it might be a good lifestyle experiment. And maybe blogging would keep me on track.

I think the rice is ready - dinnertime!

Unwinding

Yesterday, Susan and I spent a girls' day downtown. We breakfasted, we saw Julie & Julia (thumbs' up), we shopped. Mostly, though, we just talked, the way we always do. It was just what I needed. (I bought myself a trench coat, too - finally - and the bit of retail therapy helped as well.)

I am recovering from Friday's bad news. I am more hopeful now than I was when I got that horrid phone call, and I'm certainly more composed. Don't get me wrong, I'm still freaked out, but not in the way I was on Friday.

Today we'll have a nice family day, then celebrate a good friend's birthday. I'm distracting myself from the freak out that this has become, and I'm moderately successful.

I got a new attitude

(Sing along with me.)

Getting ready to spend the day with Susan.

Embracing my life.

Hard questions

Tonight Tessa asked a lot of question.

Why weren't the pictures the doctor took good enough?
What is wrong with your breasts?
Why are you scared?
...and the hard one:
Do you have cancer again?

I tried my best to explain it in optimistic terms. Tessa said, "Maybe there is a bone that the pictures can see." Something like that, honey.

Sigh. Six year olds should NOT have to worry about cancer. I am so sad that she has so much life experience that these questions arise for her.

I promised that I would not lie to her, that if I had to do chemo again I would tell her so that it wouldn't be a surprise, and so she didn't need to worry. I said we'd celebrate next week when we got good results, but that I was nervous until then.

I hate cancer.