Quiet

Recently a friend forwarded me an article by William Deresiewicz entitled "The End of Solitude" (published in The Chronicle, January 30, 2009 for those who wish to look it up) about how in our hyper-connected society we have lost our ability to be alone with ourselves. We are so social, it argues, that we no longer find those moments in which to seek the deepest of ourselves. If you have 542 friends on Facebook, it can be argued, maybe you have no friends at all.

I'm pretty guilty of this crime myself, of course. But I have realized that as I age I am less and less interested in large social gatherings, more and more interested in small groups where everyone can talk together all at once. And I confess that I am "friends" with people on Facebook whom I can hardly remember, but in my own defense, I think that I last logged on to Facebook a week ago; it has lost its attraction quickly.

I'm becoming quite the Luddite. Or Amish. Or an outsider. I'm not yet sure what the label is; I've been a granola girl for a while, but that doesn't quite suit me either because despite my lack of make up and professional hair styling or products, I still like to wear dresses and heels sometimes, and I usually have painted toenails in colors named "Hoodoo Voodoo" or "Aphrodite's Pink Nightie" or, my favorite, "I'm Not Really A Waitress." I'm pretty certain that no real granola girl would participate in such activities.

But whatever my label, I'm falling out of love with society at large even as I feel more connected to it. That is, I am reading more and more books, and exploring spirituality and my own psyche, and listening to podcasts on human nature and science and religion and anecdotes and fiction....so I feel connected. But I feel my own little world shrinking slightly, as I become more introverted.

I need social connections, even as I find myself growing and making food from scratch, and curling up on my couch with a mug of hot tea, and playing Go Fish with Tessa.

It's a contradiction that doesn't yet make sense to me, but I'm enjoying the process of sorting it out.

Reading, gardening, writing, cooking are all solitary pursuits. I love my friends, and my time with them, as much as ever, but I do feel myself changing, becoming more of a homebody.

Except when I ride a bus to the art museum, or visit at the social hour at church, or chat with moms on the playground.

My head is foggy on this subject, and my writing is even more jumbled than usual as a result....but the thoughts are there.

Yikes!

An ad just came on the radio saying "This year many of your children will be exposed to heroin, crack cocaine...." and etc. etc. etc.

YIKES!

It made me want to run to kindergarten to scoop up my long legged daughter, smooth her flowered headband over her hair, and hug her to death.

Because in the past few years there have been a lot of prescription drugs in our house we've actually talked a lot about drugs, and how if you take them when you're not sick they can make you sick, and how sometimes they make your head feel funny and how they're dangerous.

I can't believe that in today's society I am supposed to talk about this kind of thing with a six year old. I do, but I can't believe it.

Thank God I'm not actually worried about it day to day. I'm more worried about whether she'll ever learn to love math, whether her attitude phase will last long, what size summer sandals she will need.

What a crazy world we live in.

Couldn't be more timely - Zometa news

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/12/health/research/12bone.html?_r=2

"Zometa May Help Prevent Bone Metastases"

Given that I didn't exactly enjoy my last (first, actually) infusion, it lifts my spirits to think that I really have done something positive in my treatment, and that the science continues to back that.

And the surprising result of his study, if it holds up, indicates that zoledronic acid could add a benefit to existing breast cancer therapy that is nearly the same magnitude as the benefit conferred by chemotherapy or hormonal therapy alone.

But Dr. Gnant urges caution.

“While everyone is very excited, we still need to be conservative about what we recommend to patients,” he said. “In clinical science we do clinical trials. I am still hesitating to say, ‘Well, this is good for everyone.’ In the history of science we sometimes extrapolated and turned out to be absolutely wrong.”

“The right way to proceed,” Dr. Gnant said, “is to wait for data to come in from other studies.”

The problem with waiting, as a breast cancer patient, is that we don't have time to wait. I have osteopenia NOW; I may have osteoporosis (scheduling my DEXA scan soon to find out). What's more, I'm terrified of metastases. TERRIFED.

I've done a lot of treatment "off label" (taking a drug approved by the FDA for one patient group or disease, and using it for another). AIs are proven for post menopausal women....older than I am. Herceptin was approved for metastatic women only when I took it (and was since approved for node-positive non-metastatic women like myself). I can take this drug for it's bone building benefits, which I want and need, but I need to stay cancer free even more.

Sick kid, day two

Well, here we are. Tessa's coughing up a storm, and we woke up at 5am to the words "Daddy, can I have a throat lozenge?" (Good girl. You know Mama's not so good with the early morning thing.)

She's okay, but we're keeping her home one more day. Maybe we can get thank yous - overdue from Christmas AND birthday - done today. Ryan is working from home this morning to help me out; yesterday I canceled my PT appt but I really didn't want to cancel my dentist appointment today, so he's covering for me.

(Dentist....sigh. Mouth open for an hour with horrible drill things.....they're replacing a filling and doing some other things I don't want to think about.)

Fresh and frugal

Tonight's dinner is "Spicy Sweet and Sour Chicken" from Cooking Light's current issue (this is my only magazine subscription these days, and I use it a lot). The ingredients aren't TOO spicy - let's hope that Tessa will still eat it!

I'm pleased with this recipe choice because, given that I have a well stocked pantry, it uses almost all ingredients on hand; I just had to buy chicken (a good deal at Trader Joe's for organic), and a can of pineapple (I'd rather buy fresh but that's where the budget came in). Because I cook a lot, I already had soy sauce, Chinese rice wine, garlic, ginger (I store mine in the freezer), ketchup, rice vinegar, chile paste, sesame oil in the pantry, and I always have onions on hand. The recipe calls for diced green and red peppers, as well as green onions, but I'm substituting frozen (Trader Joe's again) green beans and fresh parsley instead.

So, rice (brown, organic, from the bulk section) is in the rice cooker, and the chicken is marinating, and the sauce is prepped. When Ryan gets home, I'll just stir fry it all in the wok for a few minutes, and dinner will be ready.

And for the record....I'm beat! Being A Good Mom today took it all out of me. Maybe tomorrow I can be selfish. ;-) Oh, wait, tomorrow I have to go to the dentist. Ah, crap. Well, another time then.

Cookies

We disinvited PEPS, but Tessa and I have spent the day celebrating Valentine's. I wouldn't let Tessa help with the cookie making or the cookies to share because of her cough (ewwww!) but she got to decorate her own super-sized cookie, and she continued addressing her classmates' Valentine's as I rolled and cut and baked and frosted.

All the while, it is snowing outside. What the heck?! It is a very wet snow - it's not even freezing out, but everything is, indeed, turning white. I'm told by the forecasters that it will turn to rain this evening.

Lemonade

Well, Tessa's home sick with a cold, and that's the lemon of it. The lemonade part is that we used this opportunity to make Valentine's together.

Next, she has to write the names of her classmates and friends on them......this is an all day event, perhaps.

It could be worse. MUCH worse. I am grateful for today.

Edited to add:

Tessa is sitting at the kitchen table, carefully going over the list of her classmates and hand choosing each Valentine for them before laboriously writing To: classmate (heart): Tessa on each one. Now that we're in the thick of it, I'm wondering how on earth I thought we could get this done WITHOUT a day at home! This morning I made cookie dough (we were supposed to have PEPS over today and I'd promised Valentine cookies), breakfast, etc., but since then we've been doing the Valentine's non-stop. I cut out the hearts (I didn't count them, but as there are 26 in Tessa's class, and we did a minimum of three hearts per card, well, you get the idea...), Tessa arranged and glued them, and of course she's doing the writing. She has ideas about which ones boys would like ("Boys like blue, Mom, and not so much pink," she tells me), and who would like which patterns.

This is a lot more work than going to Target and buying the Valentine pack like we have done in the past, but infinitely more enjoyable. This year we had all of the supplies on hand, too, so this year it's "free" but we did use up several glue sticks and all of our fancy paper so I don't know if I'd recommend it as a budget activity. The construction paper is cheap, but it's so much more fun with the fancy papers with embossing or printed with flowers or lined with sparkles, etc.

Today, I missed covenant group, physical therapy, and our PEPS Valentine's gathering. Still, it seems like a good day. Tessa sniffles nonstop and occassionally lets out a big cough, but she's happy enough. I cleaned the house quite a bit yesterday, so it's relatively pleasant to be here, and less cluttered than usual. (Hey, I thought PEPS was coming....maybe if I had them over more often I'd do a deeper cleaning more often!)

I'm coming out of my frugal funk. To do so, I listened to more Dave Ramsey podcasts, as well as the Debt Free podcast. I cleaned the house, moving some things around and getting rid of some things, so that it feels fresher. (What IS it about Goddard* women and moving furniture? My mom does the same thing, and whenever we're in a funk about something we move furniture around and feel much better. Strange, I know.) I made a great chicken noodle soup last night in honor of Tessa's cold, and my family didn't notice how little chicken was in it compared to the quantity of veggies and noodles. I saved the chicken bones in the freezer for making a stock the next time, and felt pleased with myself for remembering to do so. Last night, Ryan and I watched "Juno" on DVD, borrowed from the library, and had an at-home date night. (Am I the last person in America to see it? It was as good as I'd been told.) I made bread and granola, so the house smells good.

I read poetry. (Nikki Giovanni's "Bicycles" collection.) Yesterday I did yoga (another library DVD). I put a new library book by Sherman Alexie next to my bed (but didn't read it because I fell asleep!).

So with all that, I distracted myself out of my funk....somewhat. I guess it helps today to be home with a sick kid - I'm not even tempted to go out and buy anything. ;-)

Though I would love to get out for a walk/run with the dog, and touch me feet onto the beach. That would help, too.

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

Tessa is testing my patience lately. She's got Attitude with a capital A. She has decided not to follow through until I yell.....and I don't want to yell. I even say to her, "Do you want me to yell? How come you only listen when I yell?" (Note here; I don't mean screaming at my kiddo. I mean speaking in a louder-than-usual voice with a stern tone.)

So she says, "I'll do it" and then she spaces out. And then I speak loudly/yell at her and THEN she does whatever it is.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

This is not the parenting plan I'd been planning on.

My last post was done during some down time. You can see how many times Tessa interrupted me just by reading the disjointedness of the whole thing.

Anyway.

I know testing is a part of childhood. She's doing well in school, thankfully, and her teacher mostly says she's an "easy" child to have in the classroom. But at home, well, it's a test of my patience, if nothing else.

I can learn patience. I'm sure of it!

I hope so, anyway.

Frugal thoughts

I am trying very hard to think frugally, act frugally, be frugal.

Bah humbug.

"Frugal" isn't exactly the life of the party, you know? For all of my desire to adapt frugality as a part of my lifestyle, I'm under no delusions. Frugal is not a synonym for fun.

I want to believe that it's worth it. Today, it's not feeling worth it. Today, it's irritating, at best. I was at the West Side Baby fundraiser tea, and I was mad that I couldn't donate a nice chunk of money. That is a ridiculous thing to get mad out, seeing as how I could have been thinking "I am so grateful to have food for my family and how we do not lack for basics." THAT would have been a more mature, and appropriate, response.

And we're watching our grocery money. And struggling to figure out gifts, etc. Bah humbug!

But I'm committed. I really am, even on the difficult days. Apparently the honeymoon phase is over because I'm thinking "two more years of THIS?!"

Yes. Two more years, and then we'll be free to live less frugally and still get ahead.

Yes.

My notes are not valid for too many people in the world, not because people have their finances figured out but, to the contrary, too many people in the world live in poverty. I am trying to remember that my form of "broke" is others' form of greatest wealth: my baby never sat in a dirty diaper because we were out of diapers; we have never missed a meal due to scarcity; we live in a warm, comfortable home filled to the rafters with amenities and comforts. Plus, we have easy access to clean air and water, safe streets, libraries. We have excellent medical care.

I don't delude myself into thinking I'm poor. And my notes don't apply to poor people, who cut corners WAY past the point I'm naming here. But maybe they'll help some other folks who are struggling to make ends meet in the middle class.

So here are a few thoughts on maintaining frugality:

- Cook from scratch. In this way, you get healthy food much cheaper. Chicken stock is made from chicken bones, vegetable scraps, carrots and onions. No waste, no packaging. Spaghetti sauce, granola, bread, stirfries, sandwiches...all are cheaper if you make them yourself.

- Turn down your heat; turn off lights as you leave the room. In last year's rising energy costs, by lowering our heat, our bill actually went DOWN by 15% even as others' bills were rising.

- Stay out of stores. Really. When I go shopping I'm as tempted as the next person, trust me. Every time I go shopping, I put something in my cart that I don't need. (Last time it was tortillas, which we will use but I don't have a plan for....which is pretty good as impulse shopping goes. When it's a new outfit, or a nice bottle of wine, it's spendier.) When I go into stores, I get messages that say "buy, buy, buy!" It's amazing to me how little I think about wanting particular items until I go into a store.

- Set your budget and don't deviate. This might seem obvious, but it takes some real discipline. Today, knowing that the WSBaby folks would have a very good reason why I should donate more, I wrote out my check in advance, based on what I could afford and NOT what I wanted to donate.

- Pay cash. I have read this in SO many places (including Dave Ramsey, Your Money or Your Life, and others), and it's true. Debit cards have a way of making us forget it's real money; we're not told how much money is left until payday each time we buy a latte and a croissant. But when you open your wallet (or your cash envelope), you can't help but face the truth.

- Call around to see if you're getting the best deal on your auto and home insurance. I couldn't believe how much we saved on comparable policies - when we'd purchased the policies they were economical, but over time they'd become less so.

- Same for phone service: call around. We ended up going with Vonage: for $25/month we get our long distance, caller ID, call waiting, etc. The quality of the connection is not perfect - sometimes it is great but often the quality is spotty. We're getting used to it, and I don't regret the switch. (One note: cable phone companies like Vonage operate on different systems than the "regular" phone companies. Our Qwest package was only $25 per month, too, but it had a lot of taxes and fees so it was closer to $40/month, even without long distance. With Vonage, there are no taxes and fees, and long distance is included.)

- Stock up on items when they go on sale. I try to buy most things fresh and make things from scratch, but despite my best intentions I do need to buy chicken stock, or canned tomatoes, etc. Now I only buy them on sale, but keep extras in the pantry.

- Improvise. Today our coffee pot broke. (Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!) We immediately started looking up new ones on the 'net, but then we realized that we'd rather buy a really nice one and find it on sale, and we need to do research and shop around. We remembered that we have two small french press coffee makers, and we'll use those in the interim.

- Borrow, and lend too, of course. (Not money, stuff!) When we dug our garden last year, we didn't have a pitchfork. We borrowed one. Yesterday we loaned a neighbor a dish in a size she didn't own. It's ridiculous to think that we should have one of everything when we use these things so infrequently. Be a good neighbor: loan out your things, and borrow others, returning them promptly and in good condition.

- Don't use disposable anything: paper plates, paper napkins, paper towels, paper cups, plastic forks, one-use water bottles, etc. You are paying not only for their use, but for the privlege of throwing them away.....and you have other things you could use instead. Have old fashioned picnics with your own dishware. Use rags. Individually, these items don't cost much....but add up their usage over a year....

- Use the library for entertainment. You can get movies and CDs in addition to books, all for free. You can also go to lectures, or see free concerts or children's programs.

- Go outside. Walk around your neighborhood and talk to neighbors. Go to the beach. Walk in the woods. Snowshoe. Watch the sun set. Work in a garden. Play in a park. Visit a botanical garden. Go for a romantic walk under the stars. Run along the boardwalk. Sit at a pond and feed the ducks. Go on a puddle stomp. Picnic. Sit on your deck for your morning coffee. All free, or close to it, and all lovely.

- Speaking of coffee.....make it at home, and take it with you in your stainless cup. Calculate how much you pay for your home made latte, and then how much you pay for one at a shop. (My apologies to C&P for this one - you know I love you and your coffee!) My personal rule has become that I only go to coffee shops as a destination where I intend to hang out, where I'm paying more for the ambience than the coffee (and the coffee is just a nice bonus).

- Set a budget for eating out and stick to it. Often at church we like to go to Elliott Bay Brewery with friends; we didn't want to give up this lovely, fun, social activity on our budget. Instead, we created a per-person budget for the meal that allows us to have the meal we all enjoy so much without breaking the bank. (This means no drinks - we all drink water, and that saves some empty calories as well as some cash.)

- Or....instead of going out for a meal with friends, go out to Happy Hour, or meet for coffee instead of a meal, or dessert, or a glass of wine. Being social outside your home doesn't mean you need to spend a ton of money.

- Fix what you have instead of replacing it. (I have a crock pot on the fritz; I'm going to figure out if the local "small appliance repair" can attend to it without me spending a fortune...)

- Figure out activities you love and buy an annual pass for them. For me, this is the Seattle Art Museum. I get so much benefit from my membership, because I LOVE going there. My membership pays for itself many times over because of the frequency with which I use it. (We usually are members at the zoo and aquarium, too, but with Tessa in school we aren't going as much and our membership has lapsed....)

- Stick to classic clothing instead of trendy items. I don't think I'll ever regret my long black coat, but that orange blazer that seemed so fun isn't exactly getting a lot of wear.

- Podcasts. I LOVE listening to Podcasts on my iPod. I regularly listen to The Dave Ramsey Show to inspire me to keep on the frugal/debt reduction path, even though his personality drives me nuts. For fun, I listen to This American Life, the CBC program On Writing, The Moth, and others. I stay up to date with President Obama's weekly radio address, and the NPR Story of the Day. I use guided meditations from the Australian Meditation Society. I catch up on missed church services with their podcasts, too. The possibilities are endless, and when you're bored with one podcast there are zillions of others to choose from.....and they are FREE!

- Did I mention "stay out of stores"? This is so, so true. Worth repeating. I forget how tempted I am when the temptation is removed from right in front of me.

- Practice the rule "no impulse shopping." When you just HAVE to have it, don't tell yourself "no." Instead, say, "In (x) days, if I still want it, I will check out my budget and make it happen." If it really was important to you, perhaps it's worth working into your budget, and then you really can go buy it. But odds are, three days later, you'll have completely forgotten what it was, let alone how much you wanted it. Tessa and I remind one another, "No impulse shopping!" and I can't believe how much money this policy saves me, without feeling deprived.

- Skip the wine. (Sigh.) It is better for your health, and for your pocketbook.

- Thrift stores. My "new" Kate Spade purse (okay, it's probably a knock-off) gets me tons of compliments and it was $10. I found Tessa some slim cut Gap jeans in her size for $1, too. You can get useful, practical items for pennies on the dollar.

I'm running out of steam to write this, so I'll stop there. I write as much to remind myself as others....I am committed to this idea. I will not give up because I am determined to live a debt free life. Determined.

New days

This morning I don't feel 100%, but I feel well enough. Good! Hopefully my side effects are gone permanently, or at least for another six months 'til I do Zometa again.

Ryan is off to Habitat for Humanity. My construction worker/save the world/live according to his values/motivated husband is sexy. :-) Tessa and I will stop by to visit him for lunch later today.

But first, we're prepping for a friend's birthday party, which is a tea party for a group of little girls. Tessa was choosing her outfit yesterday - her new Easter dress, a crown, and gloves. Oh how I adore being the mother to a six year old! In any case, right now Tessa is carefully making the birthday card, writing her message and decorating it with pinks and purples and putting smiley faces and flowers on every letter.

Today while Tessa is at the party, I'll do errands and attempt to catch up what I got behind with yesterday. This evening, Tessa gets a sleepover with her beloved Anna, and Ryan and I are going to a dinner party for Marisa - happy birthday Marisa! Tessa's thrilled about her sleepover, and Ryan and I are thrilled for our night out, too.

So we muddle along in our lives, trying to do that which we value, trying to soak up the moments, trying not to get caught up in the minutia, trying to do our best.

Love, Kristina

PS This merits its own post, but this week I am finding budgeting difficult, annoying, frustrating, and completely lacking in rewards. We overspent last week (on nothing interesting, for the record - there are no fancy electronics or anything to show!) and so this week we're super tight on the budget. I keep reminding myself that this is a CHOICE, that we are chosing to eliminate debt from our lives, that in this economy we are doing well, all things considered. Still, nobody said that budgeting was easy, and this week I think it stinks. I'm not feeling motivated, I'm feeling grumpy and cash strapped, and it isn't fun at all, and the long term goal seems too far away. I know we'll get through this hurdle....but in the here and now it's just a pain. So there.

Side effects

I am officially feeling crummy.

I was doing okay until about 12:30, but I'm officially feeling gross.

A call in to a friend to pick up Tessa from school, and I'm crawling into bed.

Sigh.

Zometa

So I did it.

I got to the building and I started shaking. Getting an IV in a chemo ward is an unnerving thing to do - I don't care how many times you've done it. When you're two chairs away from where you had anaphalactic shock due to a chemo drug, it's even more unnerving. Never mind that Zometa isn't chemo, that's not the point.

Everyone commented on my long hair.

Lori came with me to keep me sane. She brought chocolate and magazines, and she took excellent care of me.

The infusion was relatively short, and I survived it. Best of all, I only have to go back every six months.

I found out today that someone on my medical team that I care about deeply got breast cancer, too. It was caught early, and she's okay. But I'm mad. It's so unfair.

I feel some nausea tonight and I don't know if this is the beginning of Zometa side effects, or a psychosomatic effect, or what. I'm going to bed and hoping that the morning shows it to be psychosomatic....and gone.

Z day

Today I'm returning to the oncology ward to visit Dr. Rinn for my regular check up, and to get a new drug, the bisphosphonate Zometa.

Zometa helps with osteoporosis (it's a bone-building drug) and has the added benefit of cutting risk of recurrence, including mets, by about one third. When that news came out, I knew Zometa would be my next line of defense.

But I have to go back to that building, the one with the sad memories. I have to give my arm to a needle, I have to sit in that familiar chair. It's not the kind of walk down memory lane that people dream of.

What's more, there is a relatively common side effect for the first couple of infusions; often people get "flu like symptoms" (that is how they are described) for 24-72 hours after the infusion. Blech. I have many plans this weekend, and the flu is not part of them.

I will need to do some serious meditation to get through this. Better than that, though, is that Lori is coming with me to distract me. She's a dear friend and she'll be of good help with that. I'm also having PT with Adrienne today (I'm being an obedient little patient and catching up with all of my overdue medical stuff - I even sat in the dentist's chair for several hours this week) and while the PT isn't as fun as I'd like (scar tissue blah blah blah) the visit with Adrienne is good for my soul.

So I'm trying to acknowledge the hard times, focus on the positive, and balance it all out. Today, that feels like quite a challenge.

More on the economy

All my life I was taught about The Great Depression.

As we sink lower and lower into the current depression, it seems to me that "great" is a misnomer for the previous one. "Really, really awful" might be more appropriate. Or "frighteningly terrible" or something like that. I'm aware of the multiple meanings of "great" but though the previous depression was large, it wasn't great.

And now? What will this depression be called? It doesn't look so great, either.

Today's paper mentions 200 layoffs at Swedish, the largest hospital (and the one I've received most of my treatment at) in the area.

It also says that Costco's profits are down. (This appears true to the naked eye. I went to Costco yesterday with a $20 bill from Grammy & Grandpa and instructions to pick out Tessa a new Easter dress. Eyeballing people's carts, they were much smaller than usual, and filled with necessities (food) more than those "oh I'll just grab a sweatshirt and a pack of flashlights and a few bottles of wine" that Costco is known for. What's more, I found parking easily, and there was no wait at the check stand. And, by the way, I paid cash for the dress, didn't buy another thing, and took my change with me. In previous years, I'd never have done that.)

These economic comments would not be relevant, except that they are small notes in a long list of economic problems. In our area, Boeing, Microsoft, WaMu have all announced layoffs, in addition to countless others. It doesn't look good.

So we are watching our pennies. We're in good company doing such, as so many others are doing it, too.

BearingPoint looks like it will be able to continue placing Ryan at projects, and we are prayerful that will continue to be the case.

But we're making rice and beans, and using it up, wearing it out, fixing it, or doing without, as the old saying goes. (Did I get that right?)

And the library has never seen so much of my business. Gotta love that!

in the mail

Tessa's letter, which is awaiting sending now:

Dear Malia and Sasha,
I'm glad that your dad is President. What is your new puppy's name? I like horses - do you? I'm happy that you get to live in the White House.
Love,
Tessa Surface
age 6
Seattle, WA, USA

This is the longest letter that Tessa has ever written, but it was important to her.

What I hope that she is remembering is "Politics are important. Make sure your voice is heard. You are a part of the process. What happens in DC impacts us. Little girls are a part of the process, too."

She drew a picture of our family, too.

And now it's headed to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Gallette

Tonight I made a vegetarian entree for dinner (again; I'm getting better at this). This one was a leek gallette featuring goat cheese and home made whole wheat pastry crust. It was delicious, if I may say so myself.

I will enjoy it even more when I grow those leeks and shallots in my garden. Almost time...

Content with the day

Church in the morning, Farmer's Market, chores, friends for Superbowl. Now, the friends are gone, Ryan is napping with Tessa after putting her down for the evening, the dishwasher is running, and I'm getting ready to turn in myself.

It was a good balance of things. I hope for more days like this.

Superbowl

We're just about to sit down and watch the Superbowl. (Never mind that it started 15 minutes ago.)

I could care less about football. I *think* I know who is playing in the Superbowl, but whether I'm right or wrong doesn't matter to me.

It does matter that our family will sit down together, that friends (the Hissongs) will join us, that the children will wander in and out as they play, the dads will discuss the football moves, the moms will talk about this and that, and we'll all mingle.

It does matter that I used this as an excuse to tidy up the house a bit. I also put out Superbowl food: hummus (home made), carrots, crackers, cheese (including Cirrus from the Port Townsend Creamery, which we picked up at the Farmer's Market after church), chips, salsa, salmon dip. Oh, and home made chocolate chip cookies (Tessa helped). For dinner we'll add some home made pizza and salad.

So, now we relax and enjoy our friends, our home, and the afternoon. Football? Well, it's as good of an excuse as any.

Personal Economy

The economy is on everyone's lips these days. Companies are no longer matching 401(k)s, or there are layoffs, and the stock market is in the toilet, and there is a lot of fear around. Turn on the radio, open a newspaper, or just listen to people talking on the street, and the news isn't good.

Right now, the global economy isn't impacting us as much as some others. The rising costs of food (well documented in other places) are troublesome, and our food budget continues to rise even as I cut costs all over the place, because I become more committed each day to grass fed beef, free range organic poultry, and organic produce. We have some of the fear - if Ryan got laid off we'd be in trouble - but we are hopeful that we are in a good position right now. Ryan's job is going well, and the work isn't drying up. We are hopeful in that regard.

But right now, our finances are actually looking up.

If I talk to you in person, it won't seem like our finances are improving. Ask me if I want to go out for dinner, and I'll mumble something about not having enough money, or needing to go somewhere cheap. Our gift giving has fallen off to almost nothing. We're avoiding stores altogether when possible - I used to go to Target and Costco and the like almost every week, and now I rarely go. We quit the YMCA, despite their reasonable rates, solely to save money. We really are eating rice and beans (but we have fruit and veggies with them). I only rarely go out for coffee, but when I do, I often have a cup of drip instead of a more expensive latte, or I have tea. I like to invite people over for coffee at my house instead of meeting them for coffee at a local place. (I do still love our weekend trips to C&P, though.)

With all of this cutting back, I do feel some deprivation - don't get me wrong. I'd love some new Seven jeans; I want to fix our porch and put in something with slate and river rock and heavy wood; and I would really, really, really like to take a trip to somewhere warm with the family. And it's not going to happen, not for a long time.

BUT....

We're finally getting ahead. Finally.

We are committed to living within our means and getting out of debt. Facing the reality of the numbers was no fun at all (oh dear), and figuring out where to cut things out was even less fun. I will never enjoy the agony of grocery shopping as I try to come up with creative, interesting meals for the family that are gentle to the earth but also tasty....and don't cost much.

And after a few months of this, we're adjusting, and I can't believe it, but it's getting easier. We don't eat out much, and when we do, it's not a "oh I don't feel like cooking" it's a "let's meet friends and have a really wonderful time." I am spending more time reading and writing (loves of mine), and much more time on beaches (isn't that why we love West Seattle anyway?).

And every month, Ryan puts the new numbers - pay this much to this company, reduce the total this month - into a spreadsheet that he's made (it has lots of tabs and formulas; very nice work) and we watch the right numbers rise (emergency fund) and the right numbers fall (amount owed). In June, if we stay on track, we will be paid in full to the PolyClinic AND Swedish, and we will apply those amounts to the totals on our credit cards. We might be able to get totally out of debt by the end of 2010.

So, for the next two years, things will be tight, but I've decided I don't care. I want to get these debts off our backs so that we can kiss them goodbye forever. If we did, we'd feel so much more relaxed....and as we write these checks and send them off each month, I think "wow if we didn't have debt that would be money for us to keep!" and I look forward to 2011 when we'll get to keep that money for ourselves to invest or spend.

And we're not exactly hard done by. Here we are, with a decent car (not fancy, not worth much, but does the job), a lovely home, comfortable furniture, a kitchen filled with the tools of the trade, bicycles, toys, iPods, computers, music, candles, books (LOTS of books). We're being more creative with how we spend our free time. We make popcorn*, we get movies from the library, we take the bus downtown and go to the market, we go to the Seattle Art Museum. We have play dates, we go to Lincoln Park. Tessa still gets to ride on horses.

So we're determined to stay on track. Little by little, we are making progress, and I'm proud of us. Upward and onward.

I am jumping off the American bandwagon of "more more more stuff." I want "more more more" it's true, but I want free time, happiness, peace, relaxation, better world. It's great to be comfortable, and I'm not giving up my life for an adherence to poverty (I'm not giving up my iPod, I love my GoreTex coat, and I do enjoy nice things). But I'm really happy to be out of the mall.....and I'm not missing it at all.

For those who are considering making some financial changes in their own lives, I'll mention that we're following Dave Ramsey's "debt snowball" program. Dave Ramsey can drive me nuts - he's a bit high on himself and I don't agree 100% with everything he says - but his basic advice is excellent....and it's working. He has a podcast that you can download (which I listen to because it helps me to stay on track and focused), and books that are available on his website or from the library. He's on the radio, too, and he does seminars around the country.

* Popcorn: I read about microwave popcorn and how people working in those factories were getting horrible diseases and cancers from inhaling the fake butter, and I promptly threw out the popcorn in our house. However, I have an easy solution! For those who don't have popcorn poppers and don't want to do the stovetop method, try this: put 1/4 cup of popcorn (from your bulk section!) in a paper bag, and tape it shut. Put this in the microwave and pop until you can't hear it any more. Viola - microwave popcorn with MUCH less packaging, and it tastes good

PS Here are two pictures from a recent (Monday) family day. The weather was nice, Tessa had an in-service day and Ryan had the day off, so the three of us took Shep on the bus and went downtown to visit the Olympic Sculpture Park (dogs allowed on leash). We walked through town, we had lunch in the market (Piroshky Piroshky for me; Le Panier for Ryan and Tessa. We sat outside with Shep, sitting on the curb in the sunshine, watching the market bustle as we ate.). We picked up some veggies for dinner while at the market. It was a lovely day, unrushed, relaxing, fun.....and CHEAP. I recommend it highly!

Tessa's birthday

First, I just have to say that I haven't done all of my Christmas thank you cards, and now I'm behind on birthday ones, too. Hold on, friends. Don't give up on me. My intentions are good and I will get to it.....really!

But I know you all want to see pictures of one six year old child with big blue eyes, so here you go.