The vision fulfilled

Yesterday was crazy - all of the usual busy-ness of hosting a big event at home. All that food - dishes galore, cleaning galore, etc. It was a bit tiring (ha!) and I'm glad it's behind me.

However, it was utterly and completely worth it.

There were a few moments prior to the meal being served when I was working in the kitchen, with many hands helping me, and I could hear laughter from just about every room in the house, and I couldn't help but smile. Everyone was helping, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

And then, it was time for the meal. We stood in a circle, holding hands, to say grace, and I was overcome with the loveliness of it all. Twenty relatives, all in one room, enjoying one another. Three big tables filled to overflowing with food and drink. The "adult" table was sparkling with gold and white china; the "kid" (the oldest kids are legally able to drink...!) table was decked out in my blue and white dishes. There were candles lit, and classical music playing in the background. I am grateful to have been able to create this experience, and I'm proud of my part in it.

Some families don't enjoy one another. That is not the case in the Surface clan. I believe that everyone had a good time, and I think that the sound of laughter was good testimony of that.

The Weitz's (Ryan's sister and family) are still visiting with us, though they're off visiting Lynn's sister this afternoon. Tonight, we dine on leftovers.

Tomorrow, Michele & I are off to the gym together - that treadmill has my name on it, and there's a yoga class I've been wanting to take. I'm afraid to step on a scale for a couple of days, but I know what I need to do, and I'm looking forward to doing it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

And now...bring on Christmas! I brought down the Christmas CDs, put up our wreath, and put out a few Christmas decorations today. Hurrah! Next weekend, we'll put up the tree....

Almost Thanksgiving

The butternut squash soup is done now; the bathrooms are scrubbed; the sheets are changed; the towels are folded and ready; the refrigerator is full; more cranberry nut loaf is being made; the lawn is mowed and raked (thanks, Ryan!)....it's almost time.

I have decided that tomorrow is a no-counting day for Weight Watchers. Nobody ever got fat in a day, and I'm going to enjoy the tastiness of the day...especially after I've put so much effort into it. On Friday I can "behave" again without feeling deprived. I've lost another .6, I think, and I'd like to keep it off...but tomorrow I will not stress.

(I could get fat on appetizers alone tomorrow. Blue cheese ball, summer sausage, salmon dip, artichoke dip, brie, crackers, cashews, cinnamon nuts.....)

Tonight there's still work to do. I'm behind on folding laundry, and I want to make more cranberry bread and get the mashed potatoes done. I'll do the stuffing tomorrow morning, and I'll do the green beans and salad tomorrow, too. Just setting up all the tables will take some work, but that's okay! It'll all work out somehow. :-)

Linda, Lynn, and their three kids will be here tonight, so I bet I'll be pretty busy. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Preparing for Thanksgiving

I have been busy readying myself for Thanksgiving - every day is packed with things to do. Of course I'd like the house to be spotless for all of our guests, but at this point I may settle for "reasonably clean" because it's a never-ending game of catch-up on that account.

(Note to prospective owners of black labs: Black labs are, in my limited experience, wonderful pets. Shep is sweet, loving, playful, gentle, silly, friendly, great with kids, good with the cat, and a pleasure to be around. HOWEVER - you have never seen so much dog hair on a floor in your life. I sweep and vacuum all the time, but to no avail. You'd think the poor dog would be bald with all that shedding, but instead, he simply has a never-ending supply of dog hair which follows behind him, leaving a trail. He's worth it, and yet....!)

We purchased an organic turkey at the Farmer's Market this weekend, and it's defrosting in the downstairs fridge. We also picked up potatoes (Yukon Gold, my favorite) for mashing, and butternut squash that I will roast and turn into soup tomorrow (to be served as a starting course, with spiced pecans as a garnish - delicious). Today I went to Trader Joe's, and picked up all kinds of things, pretty much filling the cart to overflowing. I'm serving honey baked ham, in addition to the turkey, to round things out.

This afternoon I made the cranberry sauce, and a couple of loaves of cranberry nut bread. I'll make more cranberry nut loaf later today, as it will be great for snacking on for breakfast or anytime.

I settled on a simple green bean dish with shallots and butter -sounds good to me, and easy enough to prepare at the last minute. I'm going to do a stuffing (some say dressing) with roasted chestnuts, sage, and sausage...yumm. (I may actually do two kinds of stuffing: one type for the bird, one type for the pan. I like an apple-celery-walnut stuffing, too....) I haven't decided yet if I'm going to make the stuffing a day in advance (don't worry, I wouldn't put it in the bird until the last minute) or make it the morning of...but I have all of the ingredients now, so I'm set there.

But despite all of my food talk - and I do love food - it's not about the food. It's about making people feel welcome in our home, ensuring that Tessa feels the traditions that come with these foods, and enjoying the companionship of family. It's a rare treat to have 20 people together in the Surface clan, and one that I intend to enjoy thoroughly. Tessa will love being with all of her cousins, and sharing her life with them and vice versa, and I will enjoy watching that.

I am incredibly grateful that life allows me this opportunity. Not only am I in good enough health to be able to throw this kind of party, but I (we) have a lovely home that will (somehow!) accomodate this large crowd. I'm grateful that we live in a part of the world that is filled with good things to eat that are available to us; as I think about that I think about the situation in Darfur and how grateful I am that I am given the luxury of choosing from so many dishes to share with my family, when it could be otherwise. I am grateful that I married into such a loving and large family, where people are kind, fun, loving, and good to one another.

I am, most of all, grateful for Ryan and Tessa. Words can not say how much.

I am also grateful to come from a large and loving family - my birth family (Dahls, Goddards, Gribbles, Smalls, Ochoas, Lyons) - will not be with me this holiday, but I will feel their love and support, because we are close. I am grateful for that. (I am also grateful that I will not be hosting all those other people this time....20 is enough, thank you!)

I am grateful that though I've been through the pit of hell, I'm coming out. Not unscathed, but coming out. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I've been through the ringer, and I'm working it out. I'm coming to terms with it. I still see my therapist (this morning, as a matter of fact), and I like the Lexapro so far (I actually think I can feel it kicking in), and I'm dealing. Some days are easier than others, but I'm not in the throes of despair now - thank God.

And now, off to get the cranberry loaves out of the oven, then off to preschool to pick up Tessa. We're going to Lincoln Park (with Shep, for those of you who have seen the news....he LOOKS intimidating, even though he's not, and he's a good sidekick) so Tessa can burn off energy, then I'll come home to keep on cooking and cleaning.

I am thankful. In case I don't get to post here again before the holiday, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you have much to be thankful for, as well.

PS Monday is my weigh-in day for Weight Watchers (I do it at home; we have a digital scale). I lost 2.4 pounds my first week - wahoo! I'd like to lose 8.4 additional pounds, but I can feel the difference already and I'm very happy with that. I'm being very careful to watch what I eat this week, because on Thanksgiving I will splurge somewhat (stuffing + gravy + cranberry sauce = delicious), remembering that it's what I do in the long run that matters most, and one day will not ruin a week's efforts. I'm also trying to remember that Thanksgiving and Christmas are days, not months, so I will treat myself to decadent food on those days, but not the entire month in between.

Sharing poetry

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of th rain
Are moving across the landscapes,
Over prairies and the deep trees,
The mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
Are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
Over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

Wednesday

My head is filled with thoughts of my online friend. I will not post of her here every day, and I may not talk about her, but I think of her all the time. My thoughts and prayers are flying out into the universe on her behalf.

And yet, my life is here, going on.

I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving, and realizing of course that I'm behind before I even get started! There will be 20 at our table....that's a crowd under any circumstances! It'll be a zoo but I can't wait. The entire Surface family - except David, away at college - will be in attendance. The "kid" table will have cousins ranging from age 4 to age 22 if I remember the top age correctly...I think I'd better call it "the cousins table" instead of "the kid table" or they'll gang up on me! LOL

I am delighted to host the holiday; it's a treat to have the extended family together and with it spread through Seattle, Kirkland, Portland, Gladstone, and Spokane, and with such busy lives for all, it's not easy to get everyone together. I don't know how families spread across the country do it - we're only in two states and that is difficult enough. Our house is not at all designed for such a large group but nobody seems to mind - it will be a happy chaos.

I love traditional Thanksgiving food. This year I'm doing a stuffed turkey (slightly smaller than usual because I'm buying an organic bird, and they don't grow as large as the non-organic ones), a honey baked ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad (with pomegranate seeds, my new favorite salad), fresh cranberry sauce, and some kind of TBD veggie dish (I have a stack of magazines to go through for recipes). Since the Surface7 are vegetarian, they're also bringing tofurkey, and everyone is bringing something like pies or rolls or salads etc. We won't run out of food, that's certain.

Okay, off to get organized. Now where to begin....?

I have to pace myself. My energy levels are NOT even close to normal, so I have to figure out how to do this stuff without crashing.

Hungry

Day one on WW and I'm hungry! I've eaten healthy snacks. I've discovered that two small satsuma oranges are only a half point, and I've eaten four of them today. I've eaten light string cheese and cashews in the hope that the protein would fill me up. Still, I'm hungry!

I'm trying to remember something I heard once: that hungry feeling is the feeling you get when you're losing weight.

I remember from before that the first week is the hardest, as the body adjusts to the new regimine, but after that it gets much easier.

Mondays are always new starts

This morning I am re-beginning my Weight Watchers journey. I signed up for the online program, instead of attending meetings this time. I am certain that I will have success - WW has worked so well for me in the past, and the reason that I have gained a few pesky pounds is that I have utterly ignored all of the good habits that I learned and practiced while on WW before. I plan to wear a sassy dress at New Year's...it shouldn't be too hard to be back to my favorite weight by then.

I am reminding myself that my risk of recurrence may be cut by 60-70% by keeping lean and fit. I am reminding myself that I am at higher than average risk for heart disease (family history and medications that I currently take), and that there is diabetes in my family, and that healthy choices will reduce those risks. I remind myself that my mind goes to dark places, and it can't help but to feel better about myself. I remind myself that at my healthiest weight, I feel more energetic, and I could really stand to feel some extra energy these days.

And here is the post that I have hesitated to write.

Last week, I learned that one of my favorite YSC members, who has the same stage breast cancer as myself, was just diagnosed with mets. Her doctors, while hesitant to put numbers on it, said that without treatment, she would have weeks left; with treatment, she has months. Two weeks ago, she was just like me. Now, she's suffering facial paralysis, liver mets, and possible mets to brain, bone, and lung. She's coming to terms with "putting her affairs in order" even as she hopes for the best.

This woman is sassy, spunky, and smart. She's a mother - her daughter is younger than Tessa. She's got energy and zest, she's incredibly sassy, and her intelligence shines through. Even though we've never met, I feel a connection to her.

The news hits me very, very hard. On the heels of Melinda's death, it hits even harder.

Many people tell me how lucky I am that I am cured. Many people tell me how fortunate it is that I was diagnosed at an early stage. Many people tell me that I am just fine. But here is the thing: I'm not cured. And early stage doesn't always mean anything.

I may live a long time. I may not. The uncertainty can feel crippling. It is baffling.

So, please remember this. I am no longer in chemo, or radiation, and I look healthy and normal and strong, but the word "cured" is not used in breast cancer. Please remember that I live with that knowledge, and that while I wish to be optimistic, and while I am hopeful, I am also fearful. The fear isn't foolish, and it can not be dismissed. Indeed, it should not be dismissed, because it is part of my reality. My fear is as real as my hope; they walk hand in hand.

Please put in a good thought, prayer, wish, or whatever you call it for my online friend. And if you have some thoughts, prayers, or wishes to spare for me as I struggle with these ideas, I would appreciate that, too.

My friend Adrienne loaned me a copy of "Eat, Pray, Love" and I'm two thirds of the way through. This book speaks to me as if it was written just for me, and the author's humor and wit in the face of her spiritual journey are refreshing and intelligent. As I struggle with my own life's questions, I'm looking for wisdom in all kinds of places, and it is helpful to hear of others' journeys.

I'm trying to eat healthfully, mindfully, consciously. I'm praying for myself and my friend. And I'm trying to love in the middle of it all. So simple, and so complicated.

Happy Monday, everyone. In Seattle it's wet and rainy, and I don't mind. I'm going to force myself to put on rainboots and take Tessa for a walk - she will jump in the puddles and Shep will strain at the leash out of the joy of being out, and it will remind me why I'm fighting so hard.

Foggy

Today was a misty day; the fog is both inside my head and out. I feel like the weather looks - I'm there, but it's hard to make out the details and everything has a surreal feeling. In moments of clarity I see myself so clearly, with a bright and optimistic future ahead of me, but in the moments of fog I can't find my way.

Anyway.

This evening Scott, Karen, and Fiona, along with their dog Sitka, will arrive for the weekend. I'm very much looking forward to visiting, and "the homies" are coming over for dinner Friday night (I'm trying out a crockpot recipe - pork tenderloin with granny smith apples and fresh cranberries) at our house, which will be great, as that crowd isn't often together. I'm worried that by 5pm I'll be my antisocial self, though, and that I will be too tired to enjoy myself. I'm going to pace myself, and just cross my fingers and hope for the best. (The best being clarity, and not fog. Where IS my energetic self? Who is this new, whiny, tired self?)

Thinking

This morning I met my new shrink (I use this term affectionately...!). She seems quite nice. I didn't get any revelations, as mostly we reviewed my history, but we made progress there so I hope that next time we can work on resolving my issues and getting some tools for moving forward.

The whole thing is hard work - ugh. I'd rather take a nap.

Manual labor

Usually, my manual labor is limited to washing dishes, mopping floors, and carrying large baskets of laundry up and down stairs. Today, however, after a leisurely morning, church, and lunch at the Alki Cafe, the whole family pitched in to do yard work. We did weeding, bulb planting, and lots of leaf raking and disposal, and all I can say is "MAN am I going to be sore tomorrow!" I am really, truly out of shape.

Still, the work is its own reward, and I'm glad to have a yard that looks a bit better, with the promise of spring flowers. I think we're going to buy more bulbs, because we only had one bag of crocuses, and now we're inspired to plant much more than that. I love tulips, and last year it looked like our tulip crop was smaller than usual (maybe squirrels got to the bulbs); I'd also like to plant irises because they were Melinda's favorite flower and she requested that the YSC girls plant them in her memory. (We already have some in our yard, but I imagine them in profusion on one corner, like a Van Gogh painting.)

Shep ran around the back yard with Ryan, filled with joy; Tessa discovered different kinds of worms and caterpillars and gleefully showed them all off to us. (I am learning not to cringe, even for millipedes - ack!)

A quiet family day. I'm glad that we joined WSUU, and I'm glad that we worked together. Tessa can say "I planted those bulbs!" when the crocuses come up, and I think she'll love that.

And now I'm so, so, so tired. Old news, but still surprising to me.

Sunday

(Happy daylight savings - don't forget, "fall back.")

Yesterday I had a lovely day. In the morning we went to C&P, and ran into the Wards, as well as Elena & Jim, and some other coffee shop regulars, and had a great time. Tessa, Elena and I hung out at our house for a while, and Ryan went for a bike ride, and then I took off for the afternoon and evening. I met up with Bryona and Lori at SAM, and we spent the afternoon at the museum, shopping, and dining....with lots of chatting thrown in.

Lovely.

Ryan and Tessa went to Paul & Libby's for dinner, and though I was genuinely sad to miss an opportunity to hang out with them, I am determined not to spend my time rushing, and since I'd already made plans with Bryona and Lori I didn't want to rush off. This was right for me; I'm tired of doing too much. I will look forward to visiting with Paul & Libby properly next time, with no commitments except them.

In a couple of hours we'll go to church, and I'm looking forward to it. It has become a highlight in my week, and I'm glad to make it official.

Love,
Kristina

Ahhh-chooooo! and Joining WSUU

Tessa is at home with a cold. She alternates between full energy and lethargy, and it's "just a cold" but it's a hassle for her and I! I kept her out of preschool yesterday and today, and we've been laying low. Today we might go to a park (less chance of her spreading the cold outdoors, while at preschool it's an enclosed area with lots of shared toys) or run an errand or two, but we're laying low once again.

I'm grateful that the cold didn't come on before Halloween, and that we got to enjoy ourselves for the holiday, but I am sad that Tessa is missing preschool. She missed a couple days at the beginning of the month due to a cold as well - arghhh! Hopefully we're just getting all the winter colds over with early.

I'm fighting a bit of the cold myself, which makes my fatigue worse. Everything makes my fatigue worse, so this isn't surprising.

In other news...
We are officially joining WSUU this weekend. Ryan and I talked about it quite a bit, and I feel very good about the decision. I feel like I'm learning a lot there, and that I find myself reflecting on the ideas from the service throughout the week and beyond. It's very calming and peaceful to me, and I am certainly seeking that in my life. I am a little concerned about creating too many commitments in my life, and there are circle suppers, meditation groups, bookclubs, and many other groups to join as a part of this church, should I choose to, but we're going slowly at first while we make room for this big commitment. I feel in my deepest heart that this is good for me, and that we will be a part of this fellowship community for a long time to come. I have always considered myself spirtual, but not religious, and this is the first place where I have found like-minded individuals; it's the first religious environment that fits my spirituality. Ryan feels as I do about it, and I think that it's good for us as a couple as well as indivudually.

We are glad to have a spiritual background for Tessa, and think that it will help to shape her in positive ways. We like the children's program as much as the adult program, and like the idea that Tessa will have another positive influence in her life to help her to make decisions and guide the person that she is becoming.

Here is some background on the UU faith for those who are wondering what it's all about:
http://www.uua.org/visitors/index.shtml

And here is a link to 100 FAQs that non-members ask about UUism:
http://www.uunashua.org/100quest.shtml

There are seven principles which Unitarian Universalist congregations affirm and promote:
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unitarian Universalism emerged from two different religions: Unitarianism and Universalism. Both Unitarianism and Universalism started in Europe hundreds of years ago. The Universalist Church of America was founded by 1793, and the American Unitarian Association by 1825. In 1961, these denominations consolidated to form the new religion of Unitarian Universalism.

Our local fellowship's website is http://www.wsuu.org/ .

Halloween pics

The camera is pretty much kaput - ARGHHHH! Anyway, I was able to get 5 pics before the battery died. Tessa and Elena - enjoy!

Pre-Halloween Pictures

Today at preschool there was a little Halloween party (since her class doesn't meet on Wednesdays) and I was able to take a couple of pictures before my camera died (there's a vent for another time - five year old digital cameras are dinosaurs).

The pictures aren't great and I couldn't zoom and they don't show any details...more to come after Halloween, I promise!

The preschool show was melt-a-mother's-heart-adorable. The children lined up on a stage in their costumes, and sang three different Halloween songs with hand motions. The children were so proud of themselves, and it was delightful. It was also Tessa's first public performance. I can't believe I didn't video it - ack! Next time.

Watching a mind open up

Tessa is in a growth spurt. In addition to growing two inches between April and September (she's 42 inches now), her mind is just blossoming before my eyes. I'm watching it in her peers, too: as they approach five years old, they seem to just take off, absorbing so much more than before, with so many things just clicking.

Sometimes, this means that I'm awestruck by her creativity, awareness, and knowledge; sometimes it means unwieldy meltdowns that leave me more dumbfounded than awestruck. I truly believe that the poor kid can't keep up with herself right now, and she just melts down as a result.

Right now, she's upstairs, transcribing the names of her friends, which I've written on a piece of paper. I wrote perhaps a dozen names down in upper and lower case, and she is actually able to read them. Now, she knows that it's a list of names of people she knows, so she has that very good clue, but she's able to differentiate between Elena and Emma or Lexi and Liam, and this surprises me. Needless to say, it also delights me. Ryan and I love to read, and try to read every day, and watching our daughter develop a love of reading as well fills me with happiness.

(In addition to loving that she loves something near and dear to me, it eases my heart to think that she'll have a bit more ease at school if she considers herself a reader....it just paves the way for so much. I don't care if she's a straight A student, but I do hope that she'll enjoy school and enjoy learning, and reading is such an important part of that.)

Speaking of reading, I need to read my bookclub book by Thursday. It's short, but it's a murder mystery, so I've been holding off....my all too active imagination can't handle murder stories very well and with the darkness of my mood and thoughts I haven't looked forward to this. It's a local author, though, and I'm enjoying the prospect of bookclub in general.

Working out

I finally made it to the gym today, for perhaps the first time in two months. Yes, months. Leading up to my surgery I felt like "what's the point" (a truly irrational approach, and I knew that even at the time, but I couldn't get past the feeling) and then afterwards I wasn't to sweat or move too much. I was given clearance to work out last Thursday, but it took me a few days to get it together.

I didn't do much - mostly walking on the treadmill. I was tempted to run, but I knew that I'd burn out too quickly, and since I've been such a couch potato I wanted to re-enter slowly. I also did some stretching exercises on my upper body; I am so stiff.

Anna is over, and she and Tessa are playing contentedly. Their friendship has really grown recently, and I love to see how much they enjoy one another.

I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to accept my baby steps.

Worth it

At about 6:30pm, I found myself sitting on the couch at the party wishing I could take a nap. Fabulous friends, fabulous food, good times for all, I just get so tired.

But at 8pm, the prizes were awarded, and Tessa won "Best Child's Costume" for her bat princess ("Baterella"). It's such a small thing, such a simple thing, such a meaningless thing.... and such a lovely thing. She's over the moon.

And I'm pretty proud of the fact that I made the darn thing. With a needle and thread, of all things! Me!

Would you believe I forgot to take a single picture? I know, I know. But Halloween is still coming and she'll wear it again, and I'll get pictures this time. I promise!

Saturday

A trip to the coffee shop; a trip to Costco (where, I am pleased to report, we did not buy a single impulse item, despite the zillion distractions that Costco offers), and now we're home for a while before heading to the Halloween party.

Last night I was awake most of the time between 2am and 6am. Ouch. What's with that?

I'm looking forward to the Halloween festivities. Our whole family is dressing up - it's a costume party - and we're looking forward to spending time with our PEPS friends and relaxing. Tessa had a hard time falling asleep last night because she was so excited for the party - she's been anticipating this day for at least six weeks. I love these simple pleasures, and how, in Tessa's eyes, there is nothing more perfect than a costume party with friends, and I love how she brings out our joy in it as well.

We decided to bail on trick-or-treating in the Junction (sponsored by the Junction businesses) because the day is jam packed already, and in the past week Tessa's been having more meltdowns than usual, so we didn't want to push our luck. (Not sure what's up with that, but she's been learning at ten times her usual speed in the past few weeks so I wonder if her brain is just fried. I'm sure it's just a phase but I miss her easygoing self! Yesterday at the "best teddy bears picnic" with Zoe and Jessie she was just a disaster, despite how much she'd looked forward to it, and little things set her off. Sigh.)

My boob (one looks okay, the other, um, not) is really bumming me out. It pulls on my clothes. I know it needs another surgery to correct it, because this is not simple swelling, it's a relatively big problem. I've seen it enough to know. I don't know what to do yet. For now, nothing. But doing nothing makes me feel powerless and angry; I deserved better than this, and I don't just want to "take it." I feel really frustrated about it.

But today I must let it go, and enjoy the joys of the season.

Baterella

Though I'm so tired all the time, sometimes it's worth pushing through.

This afternoon, it would have been very nice to take a nap. No dice - Tessa isn't a napper, and there is no sense in forcing it.

Plus, tomorrow is a Halloween party that we go to each year, and (egads) I hadn't even begun making Tessa's costume yet.

Making. Yes, me. Usually I buy Tessa's costumes, but this year she said that she wanted to be a Bat Princess. You may have noticed that this is not a commonly found costume, as most little girls are not bat obsessed as is Tessa! In any case, I loved the idea of a non-commercial, creative, inventive costume that married Tessa's princess-phase with her bat-phase, so I committed.

When I was a few days out of surgery, my mom took me shopping at the fabric store....foreign territory to me, but I took the plunge. We bought yards and yards of tulle, some black polarfleece fabric, and some funky sheer purple fabric with sparkly black velveteen bats on it, as well as some notions. Those objects have sat in a bag until today, when I realized that I had 24 hours before the party.

So, I got out my sewing box and went to work. This is not an elaborate costume, but we made Tessa a funky tutu style skirt, and some wings. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself, and Tessa is really pleased with the results.

I'll post pictures after tomorrow's party so that everyone can see. There are two Halloween parties this weekend, plus Halloween proper, so it'll get lots of wear. And I'm more tired than when I started, but I'm very proud of my small accomplishment. Tessa still thinks I'm WonderWoman, even when I know it's not true. She thinks that I can make anything, and that I'm an amazing seamstress. It doesn't matter that this is laughable and somewhat comic, because I love that in her eyes I'm so capable.

So tonight I'll fall into bed feeling like I've accomplished something, and hoping that maybe tomorrow I just won't feel so tired.

Friday

Yesterday was a busy day.

I went to the doctor, and we discussed my breast results....uneven. I expressed my disappointment. The doctor is a good, kind woman, and she said she was "devastated" and was praying for better results.

I am to wear the hated strap at night, I am to rub warmed castor oil into the breast, and I am to do daily massages for 5-10 minutes twice a day. I am to exercise the area as much as possible to loosen up the scar tissue. I will hit the pool next week, Tegaderm over my wounds, to try to make that work.

I really wish, at some point along the way, that things would get easier.

Today I'm cleaning the house while Tessa's in school, and making a lunch for Katie, Jenny, and the girls. Tessa wants to have a "best teddy bear picnic" in her room with Zoe & Jessie, and I'm making a butternut squash soup for the ladies. It's a good way to get my butt in gear to get some things done around here, because my energy is zip and without a reason I think I'd let it all fall apart.