Sharing poetry

KINDNESS
Naomi Shihab Nye, Palestinian Poet

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
and the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the windows forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Potty trained!

Over a week ago, Tessa decided to wear big girl underwear....and just like that, she's potty trained! HURRAH! I'm so proud of her for figuring it out. I wonder if she was waiting for our lives to calm down, and now that I'm feeling healthy and Ryan's back at work, things felt normal enough for her to take on this new challenge? Or maybe it was just time. In any case, I'm thrilled.

We had some potty setbacks while camping, but now that we're home, everything is going as it should.

More updates later on life in general, our visit with Corina and family, our camping trip, and the rest.

Love,
Kristina

Newness

Yesterday, Ryan started his new job, and he had a great first day: he likes his boss, he met lots of nice people, the work is looking interesting, he's got a tiny little laptop (easy to carry), and he even has a view of Alki and Puget Sound and the Olympics from his cubicle. When I met him after work, he had a great smile on his face, and that is the best.

And the commute....perfect! It's about a 20 minute bus ride, and he's in the hub of downtown. Last night my parents had Tessa (thank you Grammy & Grandpa!) and so I met Ryan downtown for a date night at Dahlia Lounge (Ryan walked from his office) and Paul, Libby, and Joy joined us there. It was VERY fun to be part of the urban downtown scene, and as Ryan was walking to the resturant he was scoping out all of the cool places we should go together (for happy hour or dinners or lunches). Ryan's got his cool Livestrong messenger/bike bag, and his nifty C&P coffee mug, and his new-smaller-sized work clothes, and he heads out early every morning so that he can get home in good time... and things look good. Very good!

And me? I'm trying to squeeze every drop out of life. Yesterday, we had PEPS at our house, and Tessa, Nina, and Anna all played together so well....and I got to catch up with some mommy friends. Then, Tessa and I rushed off to the club, and she and I went swimming together at the outdoor pool (heaven on a hot day!), and were joined by my mom. Then I rushed home to get ready for my date, and had said date in the evening. Now THIS is living! Today, I'm about to go for a long walk by myself (Ryan and I already took Shep for his walk together...he can't go too far yet), then I'm going to do housework (notice that I didn't mention any housework yesterday....this place is a wreck, and needs my time) before meeting Susan and Adrienne for coffee, and picking up Tessa, before coming home for a quiet evening. Tomorrow, I'm participating in a breast cancer study for a couple of hours in the morning, then packing up, and then in the evening Tessa & I will pick up Ryan at his office and head to Crystal Mountain, where we're joining our friends Katie, Mike, Jessie and Emma for a weekend at their cabin. HURRAH!

I am still, obviously, working on finding my routine; on getting all the things I need to get do done, on balancing the different parts of my life. But things are certainly moving in the right direction!

Love,
Kristina

Getting down to the business of living

I rarely find myself in front of my computer any more, as I am just so swamped with, well, everything. I'm occupied by the usual things (caring for Tessa, playdates, laundry, etc.) and the new addition of our puppy, but I'm also trying to squeeze in a year's worth of living into each day. I'm wearing Tessa out with this approach, which makes me smile - at the end of each day she is more than ready to go to bed! Yesterday, for example, we met Michele & Elliott at C&P for coffee and Shep's walk, then came back to crate Shep so that we could go on a 5 mile walk to Lincoln Park. At the mid-point of the walk, we stopped to let the kids play on the play structure for a while, and then came home. Once home, I quickly packed a picnic, and then Tessa, Shep and I were off to the club to have a picnic with my brother, SIL, and two nephews...along with their two dogs (they got a beautiful new puppy, Tigger). We played with the dogs and had lunch, and then the humans went swimming at the pool there. Then, rushing again, Tessa, Shep and I headed off to Edmonds for a girls' night with Libby and friends, stopping to pick up some dinner fixings at QFC (a giant salad - yummm - in this hot weather nothing sounded better to me). At 7:30pm we again made a dash for home, Shep whimpering because he wanted a walk, and Tessa falling asleep in the carseat. Once home, we got Tessa into her PJs & slippers, loaded her into the jogging stroller, and off we went around the neighborhood, exercising Shep and I and hoping that Tessa would be able to manage the lateness of the stroll. Then, Tessa tucked into bed, Shep into his crate, and I started unloading the day's debris: picnic supplies, wet swimsuits, etc. and preparing for the next day.

Every day sounds about like that, right now. I'm wearing myself out too but I don't care. It just feels so good to LIVE! I love being out in the sun, the joy of physical play, bonding with family and friends....it's lovely.

Ryan is in Bend, OR with Paul on their bike trip, and Ryan reports that it has been wonderful. I'm so glad that Ryan could get in some down time (times two - Cannon Beach with us, Bend with Paul) before the "real life" of the new job begins. We're all excited for the job, and I think that it will be great for Ryan, but of course we treasure vacation, as well, and it's healthy and healing to start such a prospect fully refreshed.

I am still working on what my real routine will look like in this new life we're fashioning. I know that each day must start and end with Shep's walk, that I want to get hours in at the Komen Foundation doing volunteer work, that my yard needs lots of TLC that I'd like to give, that I'm eager to help out friends now that I can. It is wonderful to receive, and I have received so much in the past year...but it feels even better to give. Hurrah for being able to do so! I'll find my rhythm soon enough, but right now I don't mind the craziness of going from place to place and packing so much into each day. THIS is living.

Love,
Kristina

Cannon Beach

Ahhh, Cannon Beach.

We got home this evening from our vacation at Cannon Beach, feeling much refreshed and more ready than ever to take the world by the tail (apologies to Shep & Mo!). There is something special about that place; it refreshes us, body and soul. I slept well, we played together (flying a kite, building a sand castle, romping in the sand, playing at the tidepools, hanging out at coffee shops, going for a walk/run - me - and a bike ride - Ryan, and much, much more). These few pictures capture only a bit of it, but I had to share.

I think you can see my weight loss in these pics, so finally, here are some pictures of me at a much smaller size than I used to be!

Race for the Cure/Cannon Beach

Today, I did Race for the Cure, and it was a great experience. There were more people than I could ever see at once: the event was held on the viaduct, and when I was at a high point, I couldn't see the end of the people ahead or behind me. It's powerful to think of how much money must have been raised to fight the cause, and how many people cared enough to spend their morning doing this event. We got pictures: one of Paul, Ryan, myself and (sleeping!) Tessa; another of Tessa and I with Gov. Christine Gregoire; several of Tessa with various mascots, etc. I'm glad I did this event, and hope to do it again next year....maybe with a big team!

Tomorrow, we leave for Cannon Beach, and I can't wait. We haven't taken more than a weekend to get away for a LONG time, and I'm really looking forward to the break. Shep will come with us, we'll stay in a little hotel (dog friendly), we'll play on the beach, we'll fly a kite together for the first time, we'll build sand castles, we'll drink coffee at our favorite Cannon Beach coffeehouse....bliss. The simple pleasures! We'll be back on Wednesday (although we might try to reschedule my Herceptin appointment to Thursday or Friday so that I could come home a day later. We will see!)

Love to all,
Kristina

Shep update - nothing to worry about

Well, we took Shep in to the vet today, and we don't have any reason to be really concerned. It may be that he has kennel cough, but a perhaps even more likely scenerio is that his trachea is very sore from surgery (he would have had a tube down his throat) and combined with that he's been pulling at his leash and so the trachea might be extra irritated, and that could be the reason for the little cough. Also, he's on a new diet, in a new place, so he may have a bit of an upset tummy, leading to the lack of eating.

The cure? I'm currently cooking my dog's dinner! He will be dining on rice and chicken today, and it's simmering in the rice cooker as we speak. Hopefully this mild diet will help his tummy as he transitions to a healthy diet at our house, and he will return to his prior energy levels.

We think that Shep is starting to understand that he lives here, and he's getting more and more comfortable. He's not a big fan of the car yet (though he mellows as soon as he's loaded up), and we think that this is because every time he got in a car he got a new home...first one shelter, then another, then our house. We like to believe that he loves being with us, and the idea that we'd take him somewhere else makes him sad, so he doesn't want to get in the car. In any case, that's improving.

We have booked a trip to Cannon Beach (and we're staying at a hotel that allows dogs), leaving on Father's Day, returning Wednesday. This will be a GREAT time to take a break before Ryan begins his new job. Hooray!

Kristina

Sick puppy!

We think it's just kennel cough, but our little guy is really lethargic today and is refusing food (which, based on our short experience with him, is NOT his nature). We're going to go to the vet this morning to get him checked out and get some meds. I like how well behaved he is right now (sleeping on his little bed all day long) but I hate the fact that he obviously doesn't feel well.

I'm working on getting better pictures of Shep, but he's either so active that I can only get half of him in the picture as he runs out of the frame, or he's a blur, or (today) he's just so sorrowful looking. Just trust that he's WAY cuter in person than he is in these pics.

Love,
Kristina

Great news

At long last, we have great news to announce.

In addition to falling ever deeper in love with our puppy Shep (he's fabulous!) - certainly a highlight this week, Ryan has accepted a job offer at PAR3 in Seattle. Ryan had the honor of receiving quite a bit of interest from a variety of companies, but the PAR3 offer was the most appealing, and Ryan is excited to begin in two weeks. We are ever so grateful to Randal for giving Ryan an internal recommendation, and to Marisa for pointing out that PAR3 might be a great place to apply.

Dare we think that our luck has changed? My recent good health, our lovely puppy, and Ryan's job seem to bode well for our futures. I am filled with optimism and hope.

In all of this good news, we also received some sad news. Today, my brother's puppy, adopted only 72 hours earlier, died. Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (fortunately, Josh is too young to be too affected) are devastated, and our hearts break for them, for we know what it is to love an animal. It's a strange world we live in: Ryan and I have light hearts because of all of the positive changes in our lives, and at the same time (initially unbeknownst to us) little Titan's passing was breaking the hearts of others.

We are trying to live each moment to the fullest. We never know where life will take us, or what surprise (good or bad) awaits us, so I'm living in the moment, trying to squeeze a lifetime worth's joy into each minute.

Love,
Kristina

A boy and his dog

Ryan's never had a dog - but today his boyhood dreams came true! Today, Ryan met Shep for the first time. Our family had a wonderful time visiting with Shep, and we can't wait to get him home and REALLY get to know him.

Our list of doggy "to-do's" is growing. Secure laundry room, buy dog-guard for the Subaru, trim Mozart's toenails (Shep is sure to get a few warnings from Mo, and that's okay, but we don't want real damage to be inflicted!), figure out a way (and a place) to store the dogfood, read up on puppy training... These are tasks to be done with joy - no complaints from me!

Tomorrow morning I will do my first 10 mile walk. I'm nervous - wish me well!

Kristina

SHEP!!!!!

Today, we found Shep! His picture, above, is from the Petfinder website, and there are a couple more pictures there, at Shep's page on Petfinder.

Unfortunately, the friend who will be helping us to train Shep is out of town, but I did as much temperment testing as my inexperience would allow (using a book called "Successful Dog Adoptions" and a very long phonecall with my brother, using the book HE has about temperment testing) and Shep passed with flying colors. He's a very active little guy, full of mischief, and I have a feeling that we will have some sleepless nights. However, he's gentle, not easily startled, and oh-so-affectionate. We are thrilled by this new member of our family.

Shep was not already "altered" (neutered) and his appointment is Monday; unfortunately, that means we can't take him home until Monday. However, he's ours: all the paperwork was filled out and the money was paid (a ridiculously low cost, I might add...!). We can't wait to get him home!

Love,
Kristina

Real Life

Slowly, I (we) are returning to real life, which, though not always easy, is so much better than cancer-patient life. Instead of spending hours every day feeling ill or running around to various doctors' offices, I am knee-deep in laundry, playdates, grocery lists, and dreams for the future. What was once mundane now feels pretty darn good - I don't mind the laundry because I can do it. I have time to dream, and the hope that my dreams will come true. Real life is not on hold...it is happening NOW.

Ryan is as busy, or busier, than I am. He has been receiving interview requests, and today has interviews with three companies (as I type this, he's en route from one company to the next!). Ryan is much like his old self, but better....he is very focused, and some company is going to be very grateful that they are the company to have snagged him. Of course, it's nerve wracking to go through the process (if only we knew the outcome!) but I am confident that soon he will be fully employed, and that part of normal will return to our family, as well....and then we'll complain about long hours and busy schedules, but it will be with smiles on our faces (I hope!).

We are also in dog mode. Today, for the first time in weeks, I found a dog on Petfinder.com that matches our criteria (black lab or black lab not mixed with pit bull, chow, rottweiler, a puppy younger than six months, and in the Seattle area), appropriately titled "Puppy Love." Will this be our dog? I don't know...but I hope to go to the shelter today to check it out! I have a book entitled "Successful Dog Adoptions" that I've read cover to cover, and it has information on temperment testing. I am hopeful...but not foolish, so if this isn't Shep, I will hold off until I meet Shep. (Should anyone be wondering, our most important criteria is that the dog not exhibit any aggressiveness, and be VERY child-friendly. Of course, we expect Shep to be the love of Tessa's childhood, but we also want to keep every child coming to our home safe. We will not adopt a dog with any aggressive tendencies, and we will take no risks.)

We are on the cusp of many good things.

I am training for the 3-Day and will do my first 10 mile walk this weekend; I'm nervous but excited for that. Our team has raised nearly $20,000 so far and I know that the money will keep coming in. I am SO PROUD of my friends for supporting this cause - together, we are making a HUGE difference. A cure by the time Tessa's a woman....now, that's not too much to ask, is it? (Well, I'll ask for one more thing, too: I want to be alive to see the cure!) The 3-Day, job, puppy, Tessa talking a mile a minute about all of the things that interest her, swimming at the club (Gold Creek), Tessa attending a ballet class with her friends at the YMCA locally (all those little girls in pink tutus is something to behold, and could melt the hardest heart), playing at the park, PEPS at our house, starting work on our garden (which is a mess!), enjoying the sunshine but not minding the rain, Ryan getting in bike rides and watching his times get faster as the hills get easier (hooray Weight Watchers!)....we're all trying to find our rhythm, trying to carve out a new version of normal that allows for the mundane (laundry) while focusing on the joy (puppies, beach picnics, splashing in the pool as a family).

I still don't make time to contemplate the past year. I can't let myself do it yet. There are parts of this year that make me feel physically sick to think about them, and that is not where I wish to be. I'm not in denial about it all, I'm just shelving it for a while. I'm allowing my body and soul to get a bit stronger, and to enjoy the flowers, the laughter of my daughter, my husband holding my hand, the prospect of hikes in the summer and camping with our dog....these, most certainly, are the finer things.

On my one year anniversary, I met with Dr. Okorn, the GP who originally examined my lump and sent me (the very next day) for a mammogram and ultrasound. It was a bit emotional to me to see her again, remembering the events of our last meeting, but I was glad to do it. That day, I reset the clock. I visited the doctor, same as a year before, but this year I had no symptoms to report, and instead was able to ask questions about avoiding osteoporosis and heart disease, what type of vitamins to take, how much calcium, etc. At the end of our meeting, Dr. Okorn said (and I quote) "You are the picture of health." Just thinking about it makes me tear up - ME, the picture of health! This is my new refrain, and it brings me joy....I repeat the words to myself daily. A picture of health. A picture of health. I am a picture of health.

And for those of you who want to know about the day to day...well, I've got a bit of a cold with laryngitis, but I don't care. I know what it means to be SICK, and this is a mere inconvenience (particularly irritating because I want to fly around doing things and I'm a bit tired, but there you have it). I'm anemic -a nd have been since during chemo - and taking iron supplements, but my doctor laughs that the world may not be ready for a version of me that has MORE energy because I really do feel energized. I'm keeping off the lost weight, which is good, because I've given away even more of my old clothes and if I gain weight I literally will not have a thing to wear. :-)

Portland with the PEPS ladies was incredible. Much laughter, some shopping, eating out, relaxing at the hotel, a long walk in the morning, times shared with my friends on the train ride....I could not have asked for more. Every new mother should have the opportunity to join PEPS - these women fill my heart with such joy, and the times we share together are really important to me. I started talking about what we'll be doing together in 30 years and Linda teared up, saying "That is what I want for me, and for my family...." and I couldn't agree more. I know how blessed I am.



And today, my mom has Tessa, as I sit here nervously awaiting news of Ryan's most recent interviews, and the world is well. Shep is out there somewhere (whether I'll meet him today or not), summer is around the corner, and I am LIVING. I wish to suck the marrow from life...and I'm trying my hardest to do that, whether it's feeling the joy of using basil I grew myself in a pasta dish I'm making, or admiring the old-fashioned roses in our garden, or listening to Tessa sing (never mind that she can't carry a tune...I think it's adorable!), or sharing lattes with Ryan in the morning. Life, with all of its ups and downs, is sweet. If nothing else, I've learned that, and I hope I never forget.

Love,
Kristina

One year and counting

June 1st was my one year survivorship anniversary, and I had planned to spend the day being meditative about it, and to write a long blog entry about my experiences. I didn't. I couldn't. Instead, I ran around like a madwoman, with chores, playdates, preschool, a doctor's appointment (an annual physical, nothing to do with cancer),and finally, a date with my family (dinner at my favorite resturant, La Rustica).

I still intend to think, to be introspective, and to contemplate the events of the past year, but right now I'm too busy living. I've felt pretty normal (not ill, or in major pain) for about a week and a half, and the idea that I will continue to get better for a few months makes me positively GIDDY. I'm trying to squeeze in a year of living into each day, and it doesn't leave a lot of time. I have things to say about the one year mark...but they must wait. The feelings won't go away; I won't forget.

Tomorrow, I'm getting on a train with my PEPS group friends, and we're headed to Portland. I've purchased shallow magazines (Glamour, Self, Vogue) to peruse on the train; I've got my water bottle, my umbrella, and my cute shoes. I've spent half the evening trying to decide what to wear. Tessa is absolutely fine with my absence, and happily tells friends that her mommy is going to Portland with some other mommies and that she's going to see the Mariner Moose with her Daddy. I have a light heart - time with friends, time away from Cancerville, and time to look to the future in an optimistic manner is EXACTLY what I need right now. I don't feel like being introspective, I feel like pushing behind the pain of the past year and ignoring it, at least for the moment.

Love,
Kristina

PS I was able to exercise 4 times this week so far. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO! I am serious about training for the 3-Day, and I'm baaa-aack!
PPS Caroline, I got your message but I've misplaced your number. Call me back, and leave a number! I'm home on Monday. It was great to hear from you.

A year ago today...

...I found a lump on my left breast. It felt firm and slightly flat, like a lima bean under my skin. I poked it and prodded it, because it wasn't there the month before, and I'd never felt it before, so I thought it would go away. Poking and prodding did nothing but make my skin red; the lump did not change.

Ryan came in just as I was laying in bed, poking and prodding, and I didn't say anything about it to him, convinced that when I woke up the lump would be gone. He asked me to go lay in the hammock with him, and so we went out and looked at the stars in the clear sky. (Perhaps todays rain showers and cloudy skies are a sign that the next year will be very different from the last year!)

I didn't understand then how much my life would change because of that little lump.

Love,
Kristina

Lifetime!

Today at my Weight Watchers meeting I was awarded Lifetime status, meaning that I've hit my goal weight and maintained it for six weeks. Now, it's my job to keep the pounds off, and to continue my healthy habits for the rest of my life. I am encouraged to continue going to WW meetings to stay on track, and to continue journaling my food, which I will do. I hope that one day I won't have to write every morsel down, but I will use the scale as my guide: if I gain, I'll jump back on WW immediately.

Part of the standard protocol at meetings is that members receiving Lifetime get to get up in front of the group and discuss their success. I can not believe how emotional it was for me to do that! I was trying to tell people that they COULD lose weight, no matter what the obstacles in front of them, and I started to point out that I'd had third degree radiation burns, as well as two major surgeries, during my weight loss phase...and I really choked up. Sometimes, I can't allow myself to feel the enormity of things until I'm through them, and this was one of those times. Standing in front of that crowd, I told them: it was hard. It really, really hurt. I didn't think I could keep going...but I did. And now look at me! I can hardly believe the difference - I look like an entirely different person. I'm thin! I really am! I'm at an "ideal" weight, and nobody (except myself) can take it away from me. I intend to remain thin for all of my days. I've been heavy, and I didn't like it: I'm NOT going back.

For any here who are trying to lose weight, here are the two things I think it boils down to. Really, there are only two things that I think make a person successful at weight loss. Only two. You can do it!

1. Decide that it's really very, very important to you to lose weight, and that are absolutely committed to losing weight NOW. This is different than wanting to lose weight - wishes do not get results. If you decide that losing weight is an absolute top priority for you, then you will remake your life to make weight loss possible. You will tell the girlfriend who invites you out to lunch, "You know, I can't resist the cheesecake at that resturant, and I'm trying to cut back. Can we go somewhere else instead?" You will bring snacks with you so that you have healthy choices when you're going to be busy all day. You will refuse to use cookbooks whose main ingredient lists include lots of butter and cream. You will weigh your food. All because of one thing: you decided that it was important. We all know how to lose weight, and it's not rocket science (eat less, exercise more), but I think that the thing is the level of commitment. Don't think that you can't because of your husband's sweet tooth, or your office's policy of having donut Fridays, or the fact that your kids like too many carbs and so it's hard for you to avoid those things. Just decide that it's the most important thing to you to be thin, and make your decisions based on that. The cliche'd expression "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" is oh-so-true. I still love fettucine alfredo...but not nearly as much as I love being thin. Never before in my life have I really committed to losing weight. It's not easy, but it can be done....if you commit to it.

2. Write down every bite, and be honest about it. I've never food journaled before this, and I see why it's such a successful technique: it forces honesty in black and white; and it makes you think, "do I want to have to write this down?" It also helps with math. If you're adding up in your head, it's easy to miss things, to "forget," or to miscalculate portions. It's harder to lie on paper, right there before you. Write it down! If you're dieting now, and it's not working, start writing it down, and you'll discover one of two things: either that you're eating more than you thought (or more of the wrong things than you thought); or that you weren't really dieting at all because of all of the "hidden" foods that you weren't really counting in your head. In a recent Oprah magazine there was a great article about weight loss that discussed food journaling, and it said that people who do not food journal tended to underestimate their caloric intake by 1,050 calories a day. WHOA! That's a lot of calories! I believe that journaling is the magic bullet for dieters. You bite it, you write it; you nibble, you scribble. Try it! It really works!

I don't profess to have all of the answers, but I've become the biggest believer in Weight Watchers. They know their stuff. They've seen it all. The meetings are a big motivator...and I can't tell you how many times I thought "well I want to eat ___ but I'm being weighed in a couple of days and I don't want them to write down a higher number than last week," so the nature of weighing in weekly is very effective. I've met lovely, wonderful people there, and everyone is very encouraging. My leader, Shelly, is an amazing, amazing, woman, and I credit a good deal of my success to her lessons, kindness, and support.

But in the end, it was ME who did the hard work, and I'm very, very, very proud of myself. Officially, I lost 39 pounds. I hope to never see them again....and you'll see me working at keeping them off for the rest of my life.

Love,
Kristina

I want breasts.

Yesterday I shopped, briefly, for a couple of summer clothing items. I'd like a sundress that fits me, and so off I went.

All of the sundresses I liked had halter tops, spaghetti straps, strapless, or V-necks. All were impossible for a woman who has one weird, bumpy, off-to-one-side breast and one flat side. From the bottom of my rib-cage down, I thought they looked fabulous. Around my bosom, they looked terrible.

This breast business is really, truly, seriously getting old. I feel like I've done my time, and yet I'm still in jail. It's been nearly a year, and still, I have one breast, and it doesn't look that great (think Frankenstein). One day, I know, I'm going to have two relatively normal looking breasts, just scarred...but now, I have one lousy, misshapen, lumpy breast, and one very flat, burned, brown, scarred chest.

Losing all this weight, I have a desire to show off my new body. I'm a weight I haven't been since my mid-twenties, and I love it. I'm out of size 8, wearing size 6 all the time. And yet clothes shopping is still sometimes torturous, unless I want to advertise my mastectomy through the clothes I wear.

Grrrr.

"Blog against cancer" for LiveStrong

The LiveStrong organization, headed by Lance Armstrong, is determined to make a difference by helping cancer survivors, finding cures, and encouraging government to do important funding to fight this deadly disease. Today is LiveStrong's "Blog against cancer" event, and I'm participating.

Cancer, in any form, is frightening. Terrifying. Mind-numbing. Everyone knows someone touched by the disease, and we all know that a cancer diagnosis comes hand in hand with the kind of fear that makes one shake and tremble. It must be stopped. We must find out what factors - environmental or otherwise - are causing cancer rates to rise so dramatically, and we must find cures. I know too much about cancer to want to witness anyone else go through it, and yet I know that I will, in my lifetime, doubtless receive that terrible phone call or message that someone else I love has cancer.

I plan to make a difference through fundraising. It's all that I know how to do, so I must do it. If you haven't already, today would be a great day to donate to the Breast Cancer 3-Day (there's a link on the right of this page), or to any other cancer charity (LiveStrong is a great one, and one that Ryan and I support, in addition to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.)

Love,
Kristina

Yard Sale Craziness - Pictures

Here are some pictures of the craziness that was our yard sale. Our neighbors, Jeff & Amy, kindly let us use their front yard, and we spread out across the two yards, taking up the sidewalk and parking strip as well. There were literally hundreds of visitors to the yard sale - and countless items for sale. The pictures give just a taste of what it was like that day: organized chaos!

The final two pictures were taken the night before the yard sale. Our dining room table became a sorting ground for clothing (a hopeless cause because there was just so much!) and Erik found a fabulously awful yellow blazer that had us all in stitches laughing. Good times, despite the huge amount of work!

Kristina

Moving on

A few months ago, there was a post on the YSC ("Young Survivor Coalition" - a website for women under the age of 40 who have been diagnosed with breast cancer) about moving on, and whether it was possible to truly move on after breast cancer. The women there posted a variety of thoughts on the subject, ranging from the "I forgot about it as soon as I finished" (then why are you on a support-group website?!) to "it's always on my mind, every second of every minute of every hour of every day." The idea of moving on pops in my head all the time now: as I approach my one year anniversary of diagnosis, I start to wonder what moving on looks like for me.

Obviously, my diagnosis changed the rest of my life. The thing that I miss most, more than my breasts or hair, is my innocence. Before June 1, 2005, I was innocent. Aside from the tragedy of my cousin Kathy's death at age 17 in 1988 (I miss her every day, to this day), I had not been deeply touched by tragedy. I don't know if I felt invincible, but it did seem like bad things happened to other people. The diagnosis changed all of that, and in a heartbeat. Not only did I lose body parts, and a year of treatment, but I also lost confidence in my own body's ability to fight the "bad stuff." I am no longer invincible. I am utterly human, and there is no guarantee that I will live to be 100. A good attitude, strong support network, and healthy lifestyle guarantee me nothing. This, of course, is no different from the minute before I found my lump; it's just that I'm always aware of it now.

I will never regain my innocence. There will always be two parts to my life: before and after breast cancer. The loss of innocence is the dividing point between those points.

Despite all that, I do wish to move on. So how do I move on, while acknowledging that life will never again be what it once was?

I think that the answer to that question will come slowly, over time. I don't pretend to have it figured out, and I know that what is true for me will not ring true for others...my truth is not an absolute truth, and what's more, it may be an ever changing truth.

Right now, here's what I know. I know that I want to stop losing time to cancer. For nearly a year, every moment has been colored by cancer. I have felt the aches and pains of treatment as a daily reminder, and I have felt the heartache of wondering what would happen if treatment didn't work. It's time to move past that. With the removal of my final breast, the hard part of treatment is now officially over. My time will not be robbed, daily, by cancer's after-effects, because now I am working on healing. Nothing else will be taken from me: from here on out, my hair will grow longer, my breasts will return to me (in some form!), and the hours of my days will be less and less painful as my body returns to fitness and health. Soon, I will be able to chase Tessa again, to scoop her up in my arms and throw her up in the air and catch her, and my body will not shriek at me to STOP before I fall down from the pain. Soon, I will be able to exercise daily, to keep house and to cook food, to organize playdates, to assist friends and family with their needs, to work regular hours for the BSD. That is what it means to move on. I want to move out of a land where pain is the guideline for how much I can do, and where my hours and days are stolen by doctors, technicians, and drugs. There were many weeks when I had 10 appointments per week; there has not been a week without medical appointments (except Christmas) since the whole mess started, and. I still have appointments and scans, I still have doctors to see, but only sometimes, not all the time.

With clear pathology on my hysterectomy and mastectomy, and a clean whole-body MRI and CT scan, I am disease free. Now, I need to go about the business of living, and I really want to live. I am impatient to enjoy long summer days, to BBQ with friends, to bring my body to never-before-seen levels of fitness. I want to live fully, with full knowledge of the beauty that life presents itself. I will not take it for granted. I want to seize every day and live it to the fullest, because a little voice whispers in my ear "At any moment, this can all change, and tragedy can strike. Don't throw away what you're given! This is your life, and it's short. Make a difference! LIVE!" It's a bittersweet message: full of hope and strength and courage to make the most of my life, tinged with the fear that I will have to relive some of the past year again in the future. I know that I may die young. I don't plan on it, but I know that my plans have nothing to do with it. All I can do is make the most of my days, and hope and pray that I live to watch my daughter grow old, my husband at my side, surrounded by friends and family.

I'm ready to move on in this new universe I live in. I will never forget that I am a breast cancer survivor, but I hope to live my life as more than just a survivor - I want to take every minute and squeeze the essence from it, absorbing all of the joy that the world has to offer me. What's more, I want to give joy to those around me. I want to give my family the best of me, to share and learn from friends and family, and to inspire other breast cancer survivors. I want to use my life for something useful: I want to leave the world a better place than I found it. I pray that I can be part of the solution to finding a cure for breast cancer; I will not forget the cause. I want to remember my diagnosis, without being defined by it.

The anniversary of my diagnosis is a monumental day for me. I barely remember the self that existed before that day...she seems so far away now. I hope that I can revisit her, and recapture some of her spirit, while keeping some of the strength that I have earned and learned in the past year.

Moving on. I'm trying, that's for sure. It sounds so beautiful to me - to move on, and reclaim my life. That is what I am working on, on this beautiful sunny day.

Love,
Kristina

Proud of Ryan

First, I need to say that I'm very proud of Ryan for all that he's accomplished over the past months. He has developed a positive outlook, and his smile truly gladdens my heart. Ryan is a fabulously smart and talented individual, and some company is going to be so incredibly fortunate to have him working for him.

That said, the Microsoft position did not come through, and of course that's disappointing. There is a silver lining, however: the team all thought that Ryan was "Microsoft material," just not a good fit for the position, and the recruiter has another position in mind that she'd like Ryan to interview for. We'll hear more soon...and we hope for the best, of course.

I'd also like to post a couple of pictures: a before and after of Ryan. The first picture was taken on my first Mother's Day, when Ryan was at his heaviest weight. The second was taken yesterday on Mother's Day - look at how handsome my husband is! He continues to work hard at Weight Watchers with me, and he's almost lost more than I have (we're neck in neck). Wahooooo! I'll also post one of me yesterday - I don't think it's the most flattering, but it certainly shows that I've lost weight from where I started. :-)