I have just spent over an hour combing the library website for new resources for parenting Tessa. I have placed holds on books in the following categories:
- parenting only children
- parenting strong willed children
- seven year olds and their development
- discipline strategies for children
- how to keep cool when kids are driving (you) insane
I am a fan of the Positive Discipline series, and I've got Love & Logic on my bedside table.
Do you have favorite parenting resources? Websites, books, and the like?
When my current strategies fail, it's time to go to the library. Friends, anything to add?
Disclaimer: I am anti spanking, and that is my bias. I am comfortable with that position and not looking to change it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Homework Drama
Tessa forgot to bring her homework home last night.
I told her that we could go into school early so that she could do it. We got our carpool in early, and we went into the classroom, and tracked down her forgotten folder. I read her the instructions, showed her the example, and set her to work.
Questions. Complaining. Distractions. Talking to students coming in and out of the classroom.
The bell rings. No surprise - it's not done.
The school consequence for not doing homework is missing recess.
Tessa starts to cry, to cling to me, to say, "Talk to Ms. H! Tell her I tried!" I gently but firmly said, "No, you need to tell her. I did what I could to help you, but if you didn't get it done, that is something you need to tell her." More crying. Then, the punch:
"It's all your fault!" What?! "You didn't help me!"
Ms. H heard this and was NOT impressed. Tessa was sobbing and clinging to me and Ms. H just said, "Tessa, I'm counting to five and you'd better be at your desk." She got to 4 before Tessa let go, and I left the classroom.
Exhausted.
Ms. H told me that I should let Tessa fail - if she doesn't do her homework, she does not get to come in early to do it. Okay, lesson learned. She seemed peeved with me for offering that as a choice for Tessa.
I feel like a D- parent right now.
Deep breaths.
I have moved Tessa's homework station into her bedroom; previously, she was doing it at the kitchen table so that I could be there with her. Me being with her is NOT an advantage, it seems: she has to do it on her own so that she is not tempted to ask me simple words that she already knows. She's got a beautiful desk, right under a window, with a drawer full of pencils and sharpeners and the like. She needs to do her work independently - maybe this will help?
I also created a homework contract with a list of responsibilities for parents and Tessa:
---------------------
Parents:
1. Will set aside time each day for homework.
2. Will make sure you have the right tools (pencils, papers, etc.) for homework
3. Will help you to read the instructions and answer questions about the instructions prior to beginning homework.
4. Will review homework when it is completed to help you with anything you struggled with.
Tessa:
1. Will bring home homework each day that it is assigned.
2. Will do homework independently.
3. Will finish homework promptly.
4. Will bring homework back to school and turn it in.
5. Will work with Ms. Hils if she does not understand how to do the homework.
6. Will miss recess if she does not turn in the homework or does not complete it in a prompt manner.
-----------------------------
I created room for all three of our signatures, and tonight after dinner we'll go over it as a family.
I thought we'd been through all of this about 1000 times, but it is the first time I put it in writing. Will that make a difference? We will see.
Tessa thinks that I am somehow responsible for her success or failure. I am determined to be the best parent I can for her, to nurture her, but not to coddle her.
Parenting is hard! Homework is absolutely wearing me out. I thought we'd be having these battles in middle school....but apparently we're having them now.
I am determined to get this working. Determined.
P.S. Last night during her reading time Tessa read four chapters of "Mercy Watson" on her own, asking only for help with words like "absolutely" and doing the rest on her own. Why is she struggling with homework if she can read this well? I think it's discipline, not ability, or I'd feel much less frustrated. I don't care if Tessa is getting it "right," only that she works hard, and that is where she is failing.
I told her that we could go into school early so that she could do it. We got our carpool in early, and we went into the classroom, and tracked down her forgotten folder. I read her the instructions, showed her the example, and set her to work.
Questions. Complaining. Distractions. Talking to students coming in and out of the classroom.
The bell rings. No surprise - it's not done.
The school consequence for not doing homework is missing recess.
Tessa starts to cry, to cling to me, to say, "Talk to Ms. H! Tell her I tried!" I gently but firmly said, "No, you need to tell her. I did what I could to help you, but if you didn't get it done, that is something you need to tell her." More crying. Then, the punch:
"It's all your fault!" What?! "You didn't help me!"
Ms. H heard this and was NOT impressed. Tessa was sobbing and clinging to me and Ms. H just said, "Tessa, I'm counting to five and you'd better be at your desk." She got to 4 before Tessa let go, and I left the classroom.
Exhausted.
Ms. H told me that I should let Tessa fail - if she doesn't do her homework, she does not get to come in early to do it. Okay, lesson learned. She seemed peeved with me for offering that as a choice for Tessa.
I feel like a D- parent right now.
Deep breaths.
I have moved Tessa's homework station into her bedroom; previously, she was doing it at the kitchen table so that I could be there with her. Me being with her is NOT an advantage, it seems: she has to do it on her own so that she is not tempted to ask me simple words that she already knows. She's got a beautiful desk, right under a window, with a drawer full of pencils and sharpeners and the like. She needs to do her work independently - maybe this will help?
I also created a homework contract with a list of responsibilities for parents and Tessa:
---------------------
Parents:
1. Will set aside time each day for homework.
2. Will make sure you have the right tools (pencils, papers, etc.) for homework
3. Will help you to read the instructions and answer questions about the instructions prior to beginning homework.
4. Will review homework when it is completed to help you with anything you struggled with.
Tessa:
1. Will bring home homework each day that it is assigned.
2. Will do homework independently.
3. Will finish homework promptly.
4. Will bring homework back to school and turn it in.
5. Will work with Ms. Hils if she does not understand how to do the homework.
6. Will miss recess if she does not turn in the homework or does not complete it in a prompt manner.
-----------------------------
I created room for all three of our signatures, and tonight after dinner we'll go over it as a family.
I thought we'd been through all of this about 1000 times, but it is the first time I put it in writing. Will that make a difference? We will see.
Tessa thinks that I am somehow responsible for her success or failure. I am determined to be the best parent I can for her, to nurture her, but not to coddle her.
Parenting is hard! Homework is absolutely wearing me out. I thought we'd be having these battles in middle school....but apparently we're having them now.
I am determined to get this working. Determined.
P.S. Last night during her reading time Tessa read four chapters of "Mercy Watson" on her own, asking only for help with words like "absolutely" and doing the rest on her own. Why is she struggling with homework if she can read this well? I think it's discipline, not ability, or I'd feel much less frustrated. I don't care if Tessa is getting it "right," only that she works hard, and that is where she is failing.
Monday, February 08, 2010
This new plan is working!
I picked up Tessa from jump rope club, and talked to her about Valentine's day, and how I had the materials to make her cards all ready. She said, "But Mommy, I have to do my homework first." Yes, that is what we had agreed on....but I didn't even have to prompt her. HURRAH!
Edited to add: she has slowed down. WAY down. Will never finish at this rate.
Well, you win some, you lose some. It's still progress. At least she's not complaining!
Edited to add: she has slowed down. WAY down. Will never finish at this rate.
Well, you win some, you lose some. It's still progress. At least she's not complaining!
Behavioral improvements
Since I whined and kvetched about Tessa, I should certainly state the good as well...
Yesterday, even though we had houseguests, and Tessa was distracted, she did her homework in reasonable time and without asking fifty million questions that she already knew the answers to. (I don't mind answering homework questions, I mind her trying to trick me into doing the whole thing for her.) We are really working hard to get her back on the right path, and with some success.
We have a ways to go, but the improvements make me happy. She's a wonderful girl, and I'm proud of her, and I know that this is just a bump in the road. (A tiring bump!)
Yesterday, even though we had houseguests, and Tessa was distracted, she did her homework in reasonable time and without asking fifty million questions that she already knew the answers to. (I don't mind answering homework questions, I mind her trying to trick me into doing the whole thing for her.) We are really working hard to get her back on the right path, and with some success.
We have a ways to go, but the improvements make me happy. She's a wonderful girl, and I'm proud of her, and I know that this is just a bump in the road. (A tiring bump!)
Thank goodness it's Monday
When I was on Facebook, I would see various people counting down until the weekend; a common sentiment, and one I usually agree with. However, this weekend I was completely overbooked with a thousand different things, big and small, and I could barely find time to breathe.
On Sunday, the most important commitment was to go and visit my Uncle Mel in the ICU in Vancouver, B.C. (Canada). He was on a ventilator, in a medically induced coma, and when we got there he looked terrible; it was very sad. The docs made the decision to remove the ventilator to see if he could now breathe on his own (because a ventilator greatly increases the risk of infection), and while they performed this procedure we couldn't be there so we went to lunch. When we got back, he was on an oxygen mask, but upright in bed! I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you too."
The rest of the weekend was a blur. Good things, but by Sunday afternoon I felt like jello only weepier. I had to cancel the last engagement of the weekend (sending Ryan and Tessa in my stead) and laid on the couch, regrouping.
And now, 'tis Monday, and a new chance to get things right. Laundry going, vacuuming completed, breakfast dishes cleaned up, and I'm sitting down to plan my week. This week, I'm going to be less hectic - that is action item number one.
(An aside: five years ago I could have handled the chaos without blinking. It makes me sadder than I can express that "normal" busyness can wipe me out so much.)
On Sunday, the most important commitment was to go and visit my Uncle Mel in the ICU in Vancouver, B.C. (Canada). He was on a ventilator, in a medically induced coma, and when we got there he looked terrible; it was very sad. The docs made the decision to remove the ventilator to see if he could now breathe on his own (because a ventilator greatly increases the risk of infection), and while they performed this procedure we couldn't be there so we went to lunch. When we got back, he was on an oxygen mask, but upright in bed! I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you too."
The rest of the weekend was a blur. Good things, but by Sunday afternoon I felt like jello only weepier. I had to cancel the last engagement of the weekend (sending Ryan and Tessa in my stead) and laid on the couch, regrouping.
And now, 'tis Monday, and a new chance to get things right. Laundry going, vacuuming completed, breakfast dishes cleaned up, and I'm sitting down to plan my week. This week, I'm going to be less hectic - that is action item number one.
(An aside: five years ago I could have handled the chaos without blinking. It makes me sadder than I can express that "normal" busyness can wipe me out so much.)
Friday, February 05, 2010
Action
I was helping my friend Jill with the Haiti penny drive she set up for Alki elementary, and she told me that she just felt good from taking action. I agree.
I'm trying to take action in my own life. Helping with raising money for Haiti or helping in my community, for sure, but also closer to home. Working on getting Tessa back on track behaviorly, cooking healthy meals, budgeting (and not just writing the numbers down but living by them), and the like.
Yesterday I even went running. (Ouch!)
It can be so difficult to get started, sometimes, but I am sure that it's worth it.
Action is the antidote to despair. - Joan Baez
I'm trying to take action in my own life. Helping with raising money for Haiti or helping in my community, for sure, but also closer to home. Working on getting Tessa back on track behaviorly, cooking healthy meals, budgeting (and not just writing the numbers down but living by them), and the like.
Yesterday I even went running. (Ouch!)
It can be so difficult to get started, sometimes, but I am sure that it's worth it.
Action is the antidote to despair. - Joan Baez
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Can I go back to bed?
I'm just thinking about all of these issues that I've been blogging and feeling really overwhelmed.
A lot of my identity is as a Mama, and when Tessa is behaving well I feel like it's a validation of my work. Yes, I know that is screwed up, because she is her own person, and my worth comes from within and not from her behavior, AND I know that her worth is not from some behavior as a child but who SHE is within....but dang, this is really hard.
So, right now, I'm not feeling like such a star in the parenting department.
A lot of my identity is as a Mama, and when Tessa is behaving well I feel like it's a validation of my work. Yes, I know that is screwed up, because she is her own person, and my worth comes from within and not from her behavior, AND I know that her worth is not from some behavior as a child but who SHE is within....but dang, this is really hard.
So, right now, I'm not feeling like such a star in the parenting department.
Follow through
This morning I met with Tessa's teacher, and then I met with the school counselor, to get ideas about how to handle my changing child. It was time to bring in the experts!
Tessa continues to drive me crazy. The worst of it is the snarkiness; the rude behavior. If she wasn't a good student, well, that is something that I could live with....but rude? Not okay. No way, no how.
I'm going to have to be a black and white parent for a while. Here's the rule, you broke it, immediate consequence, no chances. I've read about this as "brick wall parenting" - an "I said it, no discussion, just do it" kind of parenting that I'm not crazy about it, but it seems that this is where I must go for a while. Tessa is manipulating me to do whatever she wants, and she's not being reasonable about it. (When asked, "How do you think we could change your behavior?" she actually told me "You could buy me more treats and toys." Note to self: seven year olds are not reasonable.)
So, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not excited about it, but I have GOT to out-stubborn this stubborn child of mine. (She comes by it honestly; I can, at least, relate to her.) We're going to have a family meeting to present this new information, and to come up with a list of rules together, and discuss consequences for not meeting those rules. I have a plan, with her teacher, about homework....and Tessa will be missing recess if she doesn't do it.
I am going to get my sweet girl back. Tessa is an amazing child, and I'm am going to coax her best parts of her to reappear.
Parenting is hard!
Tessa continues to drive me crazy. The worst of it is the snarkiness; the rude behavior. If she wasn't a good student, well, that is something that I could live with....but rude? Not okay. No way, no how.
I'm going to have to be a black and white parent for a while. Here's the rule, you broke it, immediate consequence, no chances. I've read about this as "brick wall parenting" - an "I said it, no discussion, just do it" kind of parenting that I'm not crazy about it, but it seems that this is where I must go for a while. Tessa is manipulating me to do whatever she wants, and she's not being reasonable about it. (When asked, "How do you think we could change your behavior?" she actually told me "You could buy me more treats and toys." Note to self: seven year olds are not reasonable.)
So, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not excited about it, but I have GOT to out-stubborn this stubborn child of mine. (She comes by it honestly; I can, at least, relate to her.) We're going to have a family meeting to present this new information, and to come up with a list of rules together, and discuss consequences for not meeting those rules. I have a plan, with her teacher, about homework....and Tessa will be missing recess if she doesn't do it.
I am going to get my sweet girl back. Tessa is an amazing child, and I'm am going to coax her best parts of her to reappear.
Parenting is hard!
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Whiners' Anonymous
Hi. My name is Kristina. I'm a whiner.
I am trying to gather up a good attitude today after yesterday's meltdowns (both mine and Tessa's). Fortunately, Ryan came home, and helped me to get Tessa to bed, or I'm not sure what I would have done - I wanted to hide in my own bed with the covers over my head!
Today is a new day, a fresh start.
I'm looking up information on seven year olds, and came across this website (again). It should be required reading, I think:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_byage.html
and also this page:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_ucstages.html
It wasn't my imagination; Tessa is changing, and leaving equilibrium and entering disequilibrium. I am directed to be gentle and patient in response. Oh, I'm trying....
I think I need to master the art of explaining LESS and taking firm, fast action. Removing Tessa from the situation, allowing her to vent in a corner without my interaction. "I love you. This behavior is unacceptable. When you're ready to talk, please come to me. Until then, stay here."
I'll have to work on my script, but I have to come up with a good, succinct one.
I think I'm in disequilibrium, too! Can I go to my room?
Sigh.
Tessa is coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose today...and home from school. I'm going to set up an appointment with an allergist to see if that is the deal. For such a healthy kid, she is missing a lot of school. Maybe that had something to do with yesterday, though?
Off to play dolls and read stories.
Edit:
This website is very interesting - found this article:
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/02/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-realistic-expectations-last-installment-of-day-number-10-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/
I am trying to gather up a good attitude today after yesterday's meltdowns (both mine and Tessa's). Fortunately, Ryan came home, and helped me to get Tessa to bed, or I'm not sure what I would have done - I wanted to hide in my own bed with the covers over my head!
Today is a new day, a fresh start.
I'm looking up information on seven year olds, and came across this website (again). It should be required reading, I think:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_byage.html
and also this page:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_ucstages.html
It wasn't my imagination; Tessa is changing, and leaving equilibrium and entering disequilibrium. I am directed to be gentle and patient in response. Oh, I'm trying....
I think I need to master the art of explaining LESS and taking firm, fast action. Removing Tessa from the situation, allowing her to vent in a corner without my interaction. "I love you. This behavior is unacceptable. When you're ready to talk, please come to me. Until then, stay here."
I'll have to work on my script, but I have to come up with a good, succinct one.
I think I'm in disequilibrium, too! Can I go to my room?
Sigh.
Tessa is coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose today...and home from school. I'm going to set up an appointment with an allergist to see if that is the deal. For such a healthy kid, she is missing a lot of school. Maybe that had something to do with yesterday, though?
Off to play dolls and read stories.
Edit:
This website is very interesting - found this article:
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/02/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-realistic-expectations-last-installment-of-day-number-10-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Mama Whining
I am about to whine. If you don't like whining (who does?) then you might not want to read this.
Still reading?
Tessa is driving me NUTS lately. I know that she is a blessing, a gift, and the greatest joy in my life. I know that children are supposed to drive their parents nuts. I know that this is some new developmental stage and will pass. I know that she's not trying to make me crazy, and that if this is the new disequilibrium then it's not working well for her, either, and it's my job to help her. I know I need to work on my patience. I know that she is a great kid, a joy, a delight, and that I am a VERY lucky Mama.
However.
However, she is getting down-right sassy, and short of locking her in the attic I am not sure what to do about it.
Today? Picked her up to take her to the doc to check out her cough and the small rash on her arm that hasn't gone away. (Cough? Nothing. Rash? Eczema. Nothing big.) The patient bench had a roll of white paper over it, and Tessa rolled, jumped, scrinkled for about 15 minutes - intentionally making lots of noise - while we waited for the doc. Finally, I said, "I can't take that sound any more - could you please stop?" Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, please stop. Here, let's look at this magazine together." Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, stop immediately. Come over here. "Skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, no more warnings. " Ahhh - the doc comes in. Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. Doc talking, I can't hear because Tessa is making so much noise with the paper. "Excuse me doctor, I need to address this: Tessa, I can not hear the doctor because you are making so much noise. Stop immediately." Skrinkle, skrinkle.
I had to stop the doctor THREE TIMES because of Tessa. It's a good thing that I don't spank because I wanted to THRASH my child at that point. (Deep breaths, Mama, deep breaths.)
Leaving the office, "No doctor's office lolipop for you. Those are for good behavior, and yours was terrible." "But MAMA....."
We got in the car and I said, "I am very disappointed with you." We had A Talk.
We got home. Homework time.
Tessa has taken AN HOUR to fill in six blanks with words like "treat" and "head". Me in the kitchen making dinner, two feet from her the whole time, encouraging her. And then telling her "If you don't just DO this, I will write a note to Ms. H saying that you wouldn't do your homework and should do it at recess."
I had to go downstairs to put the wash in the dryer. I said, "Tessa, I have to put the wash in the dryer. I'll be right back, okay?" "Okay." I am at the bottom of the stairs, five seconds later, and she starts yelling. "Mama! MAMA! MAAAAMAAAAA!" This is the irritated "I want your attention" voice, not the "help me - a giant alien is in our kitchen" voice.
I ignore her. I put the wash in the dryer, and she yells the whole time.
I come upstairs, steaming. I say, "That is RUDE. I told you where I was - why did you yell for me?" She says, "I need another bean" (for counting).
I tell her that I need her to finish her homework without me, because the day has me too frustrated to help her at this moment.
So I'm here, whining.
Are you still with me? I doubt it - this isn't exactly great reading.
But what am I to do?! I want to be consistent, give logical consequences, and raise a child who is thoughtful and grateful. I want to give her what she needs, and then some (out of love). I want to give boundaries, and keep them. I want to maintain my cool, and discipline her with love and logic when it is required.
But what happens when she just stares at me blankly, and then goes back to her list of demands?
I was actually saying, "Tessa, I need you to be more considerate" and she interrupted me and demanded extra counting beans. (At which point, I bit off her head, and then went to the computer.)
Our attic is dark and dreary and cold - maybe I could lock her in there? No, I'd feel bad.
She has been such a great kid in so many ways - where did she go? What do I do to coax that version of herself back?!
I've got to go upstairs. She is walking around, which means, unless she's carrying a clipboard and pencil, she's not doing her homework.
I will be calm. I will not yell. I will take away all of her toys for the rest of her life.....no, no, bad Mama. I will come up with something....something....
Okay, I've got nothing right now.
Help!
Still reading?
Tessa is driving me NUTS lately. I know that she is a blessing, a gift, and the greatest joy in my life. I know that children are supposed to drive their parents nuts. I know that this is some new developmental stage and will pass. I know that she's not trying to make me crazy, and that if this is the new disequilibrium then it's not working well for her, either, and it's my job to help her. I know I need to work on my patience. I know that she is a great kid, a joy, a delight, and that I am a VERY lucky Mama.
However.
However, she is getting down-right sassy, and short of locking her in the attic I am not sure what to do about it.
Today? Picked her up to take her to the doc to check out her cough and the small rash on her arm that hasn't gone away. (Cough? Nothing. Rash? Eczema. Nothing big.) The patient bench had a roll of white paper over it, and Tessa rolled, jumped, scrinkled for about 15 minutes - intentionally making lots of noise - while we waited for the doc. Finally, I said, "I can't take that sound any more - could you please stop?" Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, please stop. Here, let's look at this magazine together." Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, stop immediately. Come over here. "Skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, no more warnings. " Ahhh - the doc comes in. Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. Doc talking, I can't hear because Tessa is making so much noise with the paper. "Excuse me doctor, I need to address this: Tessa, I can not hear the doctor because you are making so much noise. Stop immediately." Skrinkle, skrinkle.
I had to stop the doctor THREE TIMES because of Tessa. It's a good thing that I don't spank because I wanted to THRASH my child at that point. (Deep breaths, Mama, deep breaths.)
Leaving the office, "No doctor's office lolipop for you. Those are for good behavior, and yours was terrible." "But MAMA....."
We got in the car and I said, "I am very disappointed with you." We had A Talk.
We got home. Homework time.
Tessa has taken AN HOUR to fill in six blanks with words like "treat" and "head". Me in the kitchen making dinner, two feet from her the whole time, encouraging her. And then telling her "If you don't just DO this, I will write a note to Ms. H saying that you wouldn't do your homework and should do it at recess."
I had to go downstairs to put the wash in the dryer. I said, "Tessa, I have to put the wash in the dryer. I'll be right back, okay?" "Okay." I am at the bottom of the stairs, five seconds later, and she starts yelling. "Mama! MAMA! MAAAAMAAAAA!" This is the irritated "I want your attention" voice, not the "help me - a giant alien is in our kitchen" voice.
I ignore her. I put the wash in the dryer, and she yells the whole time.
I come upstairs, steaming. I say, "That is RUDE. I told you where I was - why did you yell for me?" She says, "I need another bean" (for counting).
I tell her that I need her to finish her homework without me, because the day has me too frustrated to help her at this moment.
So I'm here, whining.
Are you still with me? I doubt it - this isn't exactly great reading.
But what am I to do?! I want to be consistent, give logical consequences, and raise a child who is thoughtful and grateful. I want to give her what she needs, and then some (out of love). I want to give boundaries, and keep them. I want to maintain my cool, and discipline her with love and logic when it is required.
But what happens when she just stares at me blankly, and then goes back to her list of demands?
I was actually saying, "Tessa, I need you to be more considerate" and she interrupted me and demanded extra counting beans. (At which point, I bit off her head, and then went to the computer.)
Our attic is dark and dreary and cold - maybe I could lock her in there? No, I'd feel bad.
She has been such a great kid in so many ways - where did she go? What do I do to coax that version of herself back?!
I've got to go upstairs. She is walking around, which means, unless she's carrying a clipboard and pencil, she's not doing her homework.
I will be calm. I will not yell. I will take away all of her toys for the rest of her life.....no, no, bad Mama. I will come up with something....something....
Okay, I've got nothing right now.
Help!
Routines
I think that I spend a good portion of my life struggling with routines. On the one hand, I love them - they get things done. On the other? Boring! Annoying! Difficult! Money, weight, housework, exercise, cooking, and spirituality all fall into this category.
When my house is dusty and my weight is climbing, I know it's time to look at my routines a little more closely - or to create more routines.
Tessa had a cavity that she had filled yesterday - her only one so far. The dentist asked me, "Does she floss regularly?" Um....floss, yes. Regularly, no. We brush twice a day, but didn't put flossing into the routine, and the consequence was an hour in a dentist's chair with Tessa's knees involuntarily pulling up to her chest. She was brave and strong and I was so proud of her. I read to her the entire time, and she clutched my hand in one of her hands, and Special Bear in the other, and she held it together well. When it was time to go to school, she burst into tears, and said, "Mama, it hurts!" I told her that if she missed school she'd miss Jumprope Club (her after school activity) and she said, "I know." So, I held her close, and we missed school
All because of a pesky 30 second routine that I ignored. (I fully recognize that it's my job to remind her to floss, and I didn't.)
I'm not beating myself up about it, but I am trying to recognize it for what it is...and make changes. What other routines and I letting slip away? What other things could I be doing to protect my "one wild and precious life"?
I have lots of things going well, but there is always room for improvement. This is my life, and I want it to be the best that it can be.
I think I'll go floss now.
When my house is dusty and my weight is climbing, I know it's time to look at my routines a little more closely - or to create more routines.
Tessa had a cavity that she had filled yesterday - her only one so far. The dentist asked me, "Does she floss regularly?" Um....floss, yes. Regularly, no. We brush twice a day, but didn't put flossing into the routine, and the consequence was an hour in a dentist's chair with Tessa's knees involuntarily pulling up to her chest. She was brave and strong and I was so proud of her. I read to her the entire time, and she clutched my hand in one of her hands, and Special Bear in the other, and she held it together well. When it was time to go to school, she burst into tears, and said, "Mama, it hurts!" I told her that if she missed school she'd miss Jumprope Club (her after school activity) and she said, "I know." So, I held her close, and we missed school
All because of a pesky 30 second routine that I ignored. (I fully recognize that it's my job to remind her to floss, and I didn't.)
I'm not beating myself up about it, but I am trying to recognize it for what it is...and make changes. What other routines and I letting slip away? What other things could I be doing to protect my "one wild and precious life"?
I have lots of things going well, but there is always room for improvement. This is my life, and I want it to be the best that it can be.
I think I'll go floss now.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Photo catchup: Chalice Lighting
In our UU church, when a child turns seven, they have a chance to light the chalice for the first time. (To learn more about what the Unitarian Universalist chalice symbolizes, go here: http://www.uua.org/visitors/6901.shtml ). It was a really big deal to Tessa: it is her presentation to our church community, and a sign of her growing up. She's waited a long time to be seven!
Tessa wore a beautiful dress (hand me down from the Shogrens - thanks, Karen & KC!), and decorated the alter/chalice table with things of her choosing - of course, she chose American Girl dolls and horses and stuffed animals. Our beloved Director of Religious Education, Kari, helped to guide Tessa, and watched lovingly as Tessa wrote her name in the book of chalice lighters.
We celebrated with our friends...and with cake.
I love our UU community.
Photo catchup: Christmastime Part II
Tessa's holiday performance. She was front and center, clutching "Panama Doll" - the doll that Zoe gave her.
Photo catchup: Christmastime
These pictures are of the early Christmas season, including a trip to Seabrook to celebrate both of my parents' birthdays.
Disequilibrium: Where is my sweet child?
We have had a couple of events around here that make me wonder if Tessa has been possessed by aliens.
Yesterday, we had what I thought was a great day. In the morning I read to her in bed for a half hour before she got ready for school, and I took her to school. I made her a lunch from her "acceptable" list. I picked her up, and informed her that she would get a chance to play with her best friend for as long as she liked at the playground - they played on the monkey bars and ran around until THEY were ready to leave. After dropping off her best friend at home, we went to the library, and I read her choice of books to her (a science fiction graphic novel involving dinosaurs in space - not exactly my cup of tea but I was willing to go along with it). We came home, and I'd already prepped dinner, so I played American Girl dolls (an elaborate story involving horses and the character of Princess Ellie) with her for an hour or so.
I really was ready to nominate myself as Mother of the Day.
And then, all heck broke loose. Her bear's hat was hanging on by a thread, so I cut the thread. She screamed at me. She cried. She yelled. She slammed a door in my face. She locked herself in the bathroom. She threw things.
What the heck?
I said, "I'm sorry, I can fix the hat, and I'll sew it back on, no problem. I didn't realize how important this was to you."
More screaming, crying, stomping feet, hiding from me.
By the time I was in bed, I was completely wiped out and felt exhausted and sad. She was MEAN! I am fully aware that she loves me, and that this was just a fit, and it's what kids do sometimes...but that doesn't mean that I had to like it. I wanted to reply in kind and yell and stomp but I maintained my temper, and THAT was exhausting.
Sooooo - any advice, my cyber friends? How do I prevent, or at least lessen, future episodes? I jokingly told Ryan that if she was a teenager I'd have immediately suspected drugs (not funny, but dark humor none-the-less). Do seven year olds have a change in hormones? Is there some new cognitive leap on the horizon that her body is getting used to? Is she about to grow six inches?
Will I have to deal with this again this year?!
Tessa is capable of so much sweetness, love, wit, kindness, humor, intelligence. Last night I really missed that girl. She's mostly back today, but only after I threatened removal of privleges if she didn't shape up.
Ideas?
Yesterday, we had what I thought was a great day. In the morning I read to her in bed for a half hour before she got ready for school, and I took her to school. I made her a lunch from her "acceptable" list. I picked her up, and informed her that she would get a chance to play with her best friend for as long as she liked at the playground - they played on the monkey bars and ran around until THEY were ready to leave. After dropping off her best friend at home, we went to the library, and I read her choice of books to her (a science fiction graphic novel involving dinosaurs in space - not exactly my cup of tea but I was willing to go along with it). We came home, and I'd already prepped dinner, so I played American Girl dolls (an elaborate story involving horses and the character of Princess Ellie) with her for an hour or so.
I really was ready to nominate myself as Mother of the Day.
And then, all heck broke loose. Her bear's hat was hanging on by a thread, so I cut the thread. She screamed at me. She cried. She yelled. She slammed a door in my face. She locked herself in the bathroom. She threw things.
What the heck?
I said, "I'm sorry, I can fix the hat, and I'll sew it back on, no problem. I didn't realize how important this was to you."
More screaming, crying, stomping feet, hiding from me.
By the time I was in bed, I was completely wiped out and felt exhausted and sad. She was MEAN! I am fully aware that she loves me, and that this was just a fit, and it's what kids do sometimes...but that doesn't mean that I had to like it. I wanted to reply in kind and yell and stomp but I maintained my temper, and THAT was exhausting.
Sooooo - any advice, my cyber friends? How do I prevent, or at least lessen, future episodes? I jokingly told Ryan that if she was a teenager I'd have immediately suspected drugs (not funny, but dark humor none-the-less). Do seven year olds have a change in hormones? Is there some new cognitive leap on the horizon that her body is getting used to? Is she about to grow six inches?
Will I have to deal with this again this year?!
Tessa is capable of so much sweetness, love, wit, kindness, humor, intelligence. Last night I really missed that girl. She's mostly back today, but only after I threatened removal of privleges if she didn't shape up.
Ideas?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Unplugging
I recently read "Generation A" by Douglas Coupland, and I've been thinking about it a lot in my quiet moments, finding myself mulling over various ideas in it and pondering their effects upon me.
The book is filled with dystopian visions. It's initial premise is about the demise of bees on Earth, and how that impacts humans. It's a dreadful vision (needless to say), and disturbing. It only makes me further believe that growing my own food, pesticide and herbicide free, is the way to go. Eating whole foods (not the grocery chain, the concept), treading lightly on the planet, and all that.
But more than that, it is about the disconnectedness of our society and how society is so plugged in to our videophones and iPods and computers and PDAs and video games and television and every other screen that we've become disconnected from each other, communicating in fragments and blips instead of in meaning or depth. It's about how we've become "Craigs" - people who shop and look a certain way but are lacking in depth as they pursue more, more, more. It's about how we prefer drugs to make us feel safe and secure, instead of making life changes. (Disclaimer: I take Lexapro, and as my attempts to wean have proven, I need it. I think that this is more about recreational drugs, not prescriptions for medical conditions. Thin line? You decide.)
Of all of this, the idea I keep coming back to is screen time. I have spent a lot of time on Facebook lately, reading little snippets of my friends' lives. On Facebook I have something like 260 friends, and yet many of my real life friends aren't on Facebook. As a matter of fact, if I ran into some of these Facebook friends on the street, I wouldn't recognize them. Do I even know 260 people?
Facebook isn't the culprit here - it's an interesting social tool, and it's been fun to reconnect with some people. I have an online breast cancer community, and I've learned more about them. It works for a lot of people.
But it doesn't work for me, I think.
I don't want to stay on top of 260 people's daily lives. I find it completely overwhelming, and it makes me want to shut down. Or, worse, it makes me feel like I've had social interactions, and then I don't have real interactions because I'm socialized-out. People have real tragedies, and reading about them draws me in, when I am helpless to do anything or I will become consumed by them. People have small complaints, people have minutia, people have silly joys. Me, too, by the way - I was updating regularly, so don't think that I'm excluding myself from any of this.
So, in my attempts to be mindful, and in my attempts to live consciously, I've dropped Facebook. My plan is to stay away from it for a month, and see where life takes me.
Today, life took me on a walk with Shep down to Lincoln Park. The weather is gray, but dry, and very pleasant. Shep and I both needed the exercise, so off we went.
And I left my iPod at home.
I love to listen to music, and I really enjoy podcasts. But when I'm outdoors, what would I have missed if I was plugged in? Lots of little visits with others and their dogs. More birdsongs than I can identify. The little lap, lap of the waves against the shore at high tide. The squishy sound of mud underfoot. And even my observances - instead of merely watching to make sure I didn't trip, I was really looking today - after all, what else did I have to do? I saw cormorants diving, a crow carrying something that looked too large for it to carry, crocuses (in January?!), and a sculpture of a heron about to take flight that I had never noticed before. Such small, small, small things. Nothing profound. It did not change my life, and I did not reach any brilliant conclusions about anything. I just know that it felt good, and it felt right, and I'd like more of it.
I'm unplugging more and more. I don't want to talk on my phone in the car - learning more about those dangers has me convinced. I don't want to spend my life staring at a little screen. (Irony: I'm typing on a little screen. Yes, I realize that. But it isn't that I don't EVER want to use a computer, just that I want to do it more judiciously.) I want to be outdoors more. I want more nature in my life. I want to think my own thoughts, instead of plugging in to someone elses. I want to read things that I have been carefully thought out instead of posted in a moment of "what the heck."
All this from a book. Aren't books dangerous? Ahhhh - that is my kind of danger.
The book is filled with dystopian visions. It's initial premise is about the demise of bees on Earth, and how that impacts humans. It's a dreadful vision (needless to say), and disturbing. It only makes me further believe that growing my own food, pesticide and herbicide free, is the way to go. Eating whole foods (not the grocery chain, the concept), treading lightly on the planet, and all that.
But more than that, it is about the disconnectedness of our society and how society is so plugged in to our videophones and iPods and computers and PDAs and video games and television and every other screen that we've become disconnected from each other, communicating in fragments and blips instead of in meaning or depth. It's about how we've become "Craigs" - people who shop and look a certain way but are lacking in depth as they pursue more, more, more. It's about how we prefer drugs to make us feel safe and secure, instead of making life changes. (Disclaimer: I take Lexapro, and as my attempts to wean have proven, I need it. I think that this is more about recreational drugs, not prescriptions for medical conditions. Thin line? You decide.)
Of all of this, the idea I keep coming back to is screen time. I have spent a lot of time on Facebook lately, reading little snippets of my friends' lives. On Facebook I have something like 260 friends, and yet many of my real life friends aren't on Facebook. As a matter of fact, if I ran into some of these Facebook friends on the street, I wouldn't recognize them. Do I even know 260 people?
Facebook isn't the culprit here - it's an interesting social tool, and it's been fun to reconnect with some people. I have an online breast cancer community, and I've learned more about them. It works for a lot of people.
But it doesn't work for me, I think.
I don't want to stay on top of 260 people's daily lives. I find it completely overwhelming, and it makes me want to shut down. Or, worse, it makes me feel like I've had social interactions, and then I don't have real interactions because I'm socialized-out. People have real tragedies, and reading about them draws me in, when I am helpless to do anything or I will become consumed by them. People have small complaints, people have minutia, people have silly joys. Me, too, by the way - I was updating regularly, so don't think that I'm excluding myself from any of this.
So, in my attempts to be mindful, and in my attempts to live consciously, I've dropped Facebook. My plan is to stay away from it for a month, and see where life takes me.
Today, life took me on a walk with Shep down to Lincoln Park. The weather is gray, but dry, and very pleasant. Shep and I both needed the exercise, so off we went.
And I left my iPod at home.
I love to listen to music, and I really enjoy podcasts. But when I'm outdoors, what would I have missed if I was plugged in? Lots of little visits with others and their dogs. More birdsongs than I can identify. The little lap, lap of the waves against the shore at high tide. The squishy sound of mud underfoot. And even my observances - instead of merely watching to make sure I didn't trip, I was really looking today - after all, what else did I have to do? I saw cormorants diving, a crow carrying something that looked too large for it to carry, crocuses (in January?!), and a sculpture of a heron about to take flight that I had never noticed before. Such small, small, small things. Nothing profound. It did not change my life, and I did not reach any brilliant conclusions about anything. I just know that it felt good, and it felt right, and I'd like more of it.
I'm unplugging more and more. I don't want to talk on my phone in the car - learning more about those dangers has me convinced. I don't want to spend my life staring at a little screen. (Irony: I'm typing on a little screen. Yes, I realize that. But it isn't that I don't EVER want to use a computer, just that I want to do it more judiciously.) I want to be outdoors more. I want more nature in my life. I want to think my own thoughts, instead of plugging in to someone elses. I want to read things that I have been carefully thought out instead of posted in a moment of "what the heck."
All this from a book. Aren't books dangerous? Ahhhh - that is my kind of danger.
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