Tonight I made a vegetarian entree for dinner (again; I'm getting better at this). This one was a leek gallette featuring goat cheese and home made whole wheat pastry crust. It was delicious, if I may say so myself.
I will enjoy it even more when I grow those leeks and shallots in my garden. Almost time...
Monday, February 02, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Content with the day
Church in the morning, Farmer's Market, chores, friends for Superbowl. Now, the friends are gone, Ryan is napping with Tessa after putting her down for the evening, the dishwasher is running, and I'm getting ready to turn in myself.
It was a good balance of things. I hope for more days like this.
It was a good balance of things. I hope for more days like this.
Superbowl
We're just about to sit down and watch the Superbowl. (Never mind that it started 15 minutes ago.)
I could care less about football. I *think* I know who is playing in the Superbowl, but whether I'm right or wrong doesn't matter to me.
It does matter that our family will sit down together, that friends (the Hissongs) will join us, that the children will wander in and out as they play, the dads will discuss the football moves, the moms will talk about this and that, and we'll all mingle.
It does matter that I used this as an excuse to tidy up the house a bit. I also put out Superbowl food: hummus (home made), carrots, crackers, cheese (including Cirrus from the Port Townsend Creamery, which we picked up at the Farmer's Market after church), chips, salsa, salmon dip. Oh, and home made chocolate chip cookies (Tessa helped). For dinner we'll add some home made pizza and salad.
So, now we relax and enjoy our friends, our home, and the afternoon. Football? Well, it's as good of an excuse as any.
I could care less about football. I *think* I know who is playing in the Superbowl, but whether I'm right or wrong doesn't matter to me.
It does matter that our family will sit down together, that friends (the Hissongs) will join us, that the children will wander in and out as they play, the dads will discuss the football moves, the moms will talk about this and that, and we'll all mingle.
It does matter that I used this as an excuse to tidy up the house a bit. I also put out Superbowl food: hummus (home made), carrots, crackers, cheese (including Cirrus from the Port Townsend Creamery, which we picked up at the Farmer's Market after church), chips, salsa, salmon dip. Oh, and home made chocolate chip cookies (Tessa helped). For dinner we'll add some home made pizza and salad.
So, now we relax and enjoy our friends, our home, and the afternoon. Football? Well, it's as good of an excuse as any.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Personal Economy
The economy is on everyone's lips these days. Companies are no longer matching 401(k)s, or there are layoffs, and the stock market is in the toilet, and there is a lot of fear around. Turn on the radio, open a newspaper, or just listen to people talking on the street, and the news isn't good.
If I talk to you in person, it won't seem like our finances are improving. Ask me if I want to go out for dinner, and I'll mumble something about not having enough money, or needing to go somewhere cheap. Our gift giving has fallen off to almost nothing. We're avoiding stores altogether when possible - I used to go to Target and Costco and the like almost every week, and now I rarely go. We quit the YMCA, despite their reasonable rates, solely to save money. We really are eating rice and beans (but we have fruit and veggies with them). I only rarely go out for coffee, but when I do, I often have a cup of drip instead of a more expensive latte, or I have tea. I like to invite people over for coffee at my house instead of meeting them for coffee at a local place. (I do still love our weekend trips to C&P, though.)
BUT....
And every month, Ryan puts the new numbers - pay this much to this company, reduce the total this month - into a spreadsheet that he's made (it has lots of tabs and formulas; very nice work) and we watch the right numbers rise (emergency fund) and the right numbers fall (amount owed). In June, if we stay on track, we will be paid in full to the PolyClinic AND Swedish, and we will apply those amounts to the totals on our credit cards. We might be able to get totally out of debt by the end of 2010.
Right now, the global economy isn't impacting us as much as some others. The rising costs of food (well documented in other places) are troublesome, and our food budget continues to rise even as I cut costs all over the place, because I become more committed each day to grass fed beef, free range organic poultry, and organic produce. We have some of the fear - if Ryan got laid off we'd be in trouble - but we are hopeful that we are in a good position right now. Ryan's job is going well, and the work isn't drying up. We are hopeful in that regard.
But right now, our finances are actually looking up.
If I talk to you in person, it won't seem like our finances are improving. Ask me if I want to go out for dinner, and I'll mumble something about not having enough money, or needing to go somewhere cheap. Our gift giving has fallen off to almost nothing. We're avoiding stores altogether when possible - I used to go to Target and Costco and the like almost every week, and now I rarely go. We quit the YMCA, despite their reasonable rates, solely to save money. We really are eating rice and beans (but we have fruit and veggies with them). I only rarely go out for coffee, but when I do, I often have a cup of drip instead of a more expensive latte, or I have tea. I like to invite people over for coffee at my house instead of meeting them for coffee at a local place. (I do still love our weekend trips to C&P, though.)
With all of this cutting back, I do feel some deprivation - don't get me wrong. I'd love some new Seven jeans; I want to fix our porch and put in something with slate and river rock and heavy wood; and I would really, really, really like to take a trip to somewhere warm with the family. And it's not going to happen, not for a long time.
BUT....
We're finally getting ahead. Finally.
We are committed to living within our means and getting out of debt. Facing the reality of the numbers was no fun at all (oh dear), and figuring out where to cut things out was even less fun. I will never enjoy the agony of grocery shopping as I try to come up with creative, interesting meals for the family that are gentle to the earth but also tasty....and don't cost much.
And after a few months of this, we're adjusting, and I can't believe it, but it's getting easier. We don't eat out much, and when we do, it's not a "oh I don't feel like cooking" it's a "let's meet friends and have a really wonderful time." I am spending more time reading and writing (loves of mine), and much more time on beaches (isn't that why we love West Seattle anyway?).
And every month, Ryan puts the new numbers - pay this much to this company, reduce the total this month - into a spreadsheet that he's made (it has lots of tabs and formulas; very nice work) and we watch the right numbers rise (emergency fund) and the right numbers fall (amount owed). In June, if we stay on track, we will be paid in full to the PolyClinic AND Swedish, and we will apply those amounts to the totals on our credit cards. We might be able to get totally out of debt by the end of 2010.
So, for the next two years, things will be tight, but I've decided I don't care. I want to get these debts off our backs so that we can kiss them goodbye forever. If we did, we'd feel so much more relaxed....and as we write these checks and send them off each month, I think "wow if we didn't have debt that would be money for us to keep!" and I look forward to 2011 when we'll get to keep that money for ourselves to invest or spend.
And we're not exactly hard done by. Here we are, with a decent car (not fancy, not worth much, but does the job), a lovely home, comfortable furniture, a kitchen filled with the tools of the trade, bicycles, toys, iPods, computers, music, candles, books (LOTS of books). We're being more creative with how we spend our free time. We make popcorn*, we get movies from the library, we take the bus downtown and go to the market, we go to the Seattle Art Museum. We have play dates, we go to Lincoln Park. Tessa still gets to ride on horses.
So we're determined to stay on track. Little by little, we are making progress, and I'm proud of us. Upward and onward.
I am jumping off the American bandwagon of "more more more stuff." I want "more more more" it's true, but I want free time, happiness, peace, relaxation, better world. It's great to be comfortable, and I'm not giving up my life for an adherence to poverty (I'm not giving up my iPod, I love my GoreTex coat, and I do enjoy nice things). But I'm really happy to be out of the mall.....and I'm not missing it at all.
For those who are considering making some financial changes in their own lives, I'll mention that we're following Dave Ramsey's "debt snowball" program. Dave Ramsey can drive me nuts - he's a bit high on himself and I don't agree 100% with everything he says - but his basic advice is excellent....and it's working. He has a podcast that you can download (which I listen to because it helps me to stay on track and focused), and books that are available on his website or from the library. He's on the radio, too, and he does seminars around the country.
* Popcorn: I read about microwave popcorn and how people working in those factories were getting horrible diseases and cancers from inhaling the fake butter, and I promptly threw out the popcorn in our house. However, I have an easy solution! For those who don't have popcorn poppers and don't want to do the stovetop method, try this: put 1/4 cup of popcorn (from your bulk section!) in a paper bag, and tape it shut. Put this in the microwave and pop until you can't hear it any more. Viola - microwave popcorn with MUCH less packaging, and it tastes good
PS Here are two pictures from a recent (Monday) family day. The weather was nice, Tessa had an in-service day and Ryan had the day off, so the three of us took Shep on the bus and went downtown to visit the Olympic Sculpture Park (dogs allowed on leash). We walked through town, we had lunch in the market (Piroshky Piroshky for me; Le Panier for Ryan and Tessa. We sat outside with Shep, sitting on the curb in the sunshine, watching the market bustle as we ate.). We picked up some veggies for dinner while at the market. It was a lovely day, unrushed, relaxing, fun.....and CHEAP. I recommend it highly!
Tessa's birthday
First, I just have to say that I haven't done all of my Christmas thank you cards, and now I'm behind on birthday ones, too. Hold on, friends. Don't give up on me. My intentions are good and I will get to it.....really!
But I know you all want to see pictures of one six year old child with big blue eyes, so here you go.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Green and Easy
Sometimes being green (environmentally conscious, practicing sustainable living) is hard. Really, I admit this. If it was totally a cakewalk we wouldn't be so messed up.
However....
There are some things that are really, really easy. They don't cost extra, they're not inconvenient. You don't have to change your whole life to live this way...you just need to grab this, and not that.
Some examples:
- Choose glass over plastic. The honey or maple syrup in the glass bottle instead of the plastic one, for example.
- Buy powdered laundry and dishwasher detergent instead of liquid. I don't know if the chemical content is any different, but the packaging is. The cardboard box takes fewer, and less toxic, resources to make, and is less toxic to the planet. (Of course, I also suggest eco-friendly brands like Method or Ecover or Trader Joe's Next to Godliness or Seventh Generation, but I admit they are often more expensive.)
- Use bar soap instead of liquid. Liquid soap comes in plastic containers that get thrown out; bar soap comes in a little paper wrapper. Plus, bar soap is cheaper.
- Use CFL lightbulbs instead of regular. (You've heard this before. It's still true.)
- Stop. Buying. Bottled. Water. Really. Right now. Just decide to stop.
- Bring your own coffee cup. This will save you a few cents per cup as most shops give you a discount, but even better it saves some more junk from going in a landfill. If you forget your cup and need one, try a "for here" in a ceramic cup. If you have to go, try it without a (plastic) lid, as the cup itself decomposes much better than the lid.
- Give up straws. More plastic. You don't drink out of straws at home, do you? No need to do so when you're out.
- Use rags instead of paper towels. Don't have any rags? Well, look in your bottom drawer; the one with the t-shirts you never wear. See that one with a small stain that you'll never wear again? Voila - four rags.
- Use a real mop and real broom instead of disposable substitutes.
- Choose snacks with little packaging. A piece of cheese instead of string cheese. A handful of nuts from a bigger container. Fruit. If it comes wrapped in fancy plastic it's probably not good for you anyway.
- Use half the amount of shampoo and/or conditioner that you usually use. Shockingly (to me), it didn't make one bit of difference on my hair. This means less overall consumption, and only half the wasted bottles in landfills.
- Vinegar and baking soda for cleaning. My sink has never been shinier.
- Read the newspaper online - no waste. (And no cost.)
- The library. Only buy those books you want to reference, read again, or share with friends.
- Stop using paper napkins. Cloth ones are easy, often go on sale.
- Shop your local thrift stores when you need household items like platters, picture frames, pots and pans, etc. (I love to find old china teacups for a bargain, too.) Bargains, they often support a cause (in West Seattle one supports the ACS and the other supports the senior center), and they prevent things from going into landfills. Even more importantly, they prevent items from being produced with more packaging and waste.
- Carry your own bag with you. Chico Bags is Ryan's favorite (solid colors), mine is Envirosax (cute patterns). My Envirosax bag has been used daily for at least 6-9 months and still looks great. But my guess is that you have a bag at home you could use without going out and buying one.
Not one of these things is difficult, time consuming, or expensive. Not one. And you don't have to adopt all of these changes to make a difference - just pick one or two if the whole list is overwhelming to you.
Little changes add up. None of these items, individually, makes a huge difference. But they add up, and as more and more people start to follow these no-nonsense ways to go green, it WILL make a difference.
And then you can join me in making your own granola and bread, learning about compost, canning tomatoes, and walking everywhere possible..... But I'll wait for you if you're not ready!
However....
There are some things that are really, really easy. They don't cost extra, they're not inconvenient. You don't have to change your whole life to live this way...you just need to grab this, and not that.
Some examples:
- Choose glass over plastic. The honey or maple syrup in the glass bottle instead of the plastic one, for example.
- Buy powdered laundry and dishwasher detergent instead of liquid. I don't know if the chemical content is any different, but the packaging is. The cardboard box takes fewer, and less toxic, resources to make, and is less toxic to the planet. (Of course, I also suggest eco-friendly brands like Method or Ecover or Trader Joe's Next to Godliness or Seventh Generation, but I admit they are often more expensive.)
- Use bar soap instead of liquid. Liquid soap comes in plastic containers that get thrown out; bar soap comes in a little paper wrapper. Plus, bar soap is cheaper.
- Use CFL lightbulbs instead of regular. (You've heard this before. It's still true.)
- Stop. Buying. Bottled. Water. Really. Right now. Just decide to stop.
- Bring your own coffee cup. This will save you a few cents per cup as most shops give you a discount, but even better it saves some more junk from going in a landfill. If you forget your cup and need one, try a "for here" in a ceramic cup. If you have to go, try it without a (plastic) lid, as the cup itself decomposes much better than the lid.
- Give up straws. More plastic. You don't drink out of straws at home, do you? No need to do so when you're out.
- Use rags instead of paper towels. Don't have any rags? Well, look in your bottom drawer; the one with the t-shirts you never wear. See that one with a small stain that you'll never wear again? Voila - four rags.
- Use a real mop and real broom instead of disposable substitutes.
- Choose snacks with little packaging. A piece of cheese instead of string cheese. A handful of nuts from a bigger container. Fruit. If it comes wrapped in fancy plastic it's probably not good for you anyway.
- Use half the amount of shampoo and/or conditioner that you usually use. Shockingly (to me), it didn't make one bit of difference on my hair. This means less overall consumption, and only half the wasted bottles in landfills.
- Vinegar and baking soda for cleaning. My sink has never been shinier.
- Read the newspaper online - no waste. (And no cost.)
- The library. Only buy those books you want to reference, read again, or share with friends.
- Stop using paper napkins. Cloth ones are easy, often go on sale.
- Shop your local thrift stores when you need household items like platters, picture frames, pots and pans, etc. (I love to find old china teacups for a bargain, too.) Bargains, they often support a cause (in West Seattle one supports the ACS and the other supports the senior center), and they prevent things from going into landfills. Even more importantly, they prevent items from being produced with more packaging and waste.
- Carry your own bag with you. Chico Bags is Ryan's favorite (solid colors), mine is Envirosax (cute patterns). My Envirosax bag has been used daily for at least 6-9 months and still looks great. But my guess is that you have a bag at home you could use without going out and buying one.
Not one of these things is difficult, time consuming, or expensive. Not one. And you don't have to adopt all of these changes to make a difference - just pick one or two if the whole list is overwhelming to you.
Little changes add up. None of these items, individually, makes a huge difference. But they add up, and as more and more people start to follow these no-nonsense ways to go green, it WILL make a difference.
And then you can join me in making your own granola and bread, learning about compost, canning tomatoes, and walking everywhere possible..... But I'll wait for you if you're not ready!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
checking in
All is well - despite some big time fatigue. Tessa's birthday came and went, and it was a lovely success. A sleepover where she stayed up til midnight, horseback riding, and lots of cake.
I missed Melissa and Ross's shower, and I'm sad about that, but I couldn't fit it in with the birthday craziness. Ugh!
Anyway, just touching base to say that all is well, just overly busy. I'll update something more later.
xoxo
I missed Melissa and Ross's shower, and I'm sad about that, but I couldn't fit it in with the birthday craziness. Ugh!
Anyway, just touching base to say that all is well, just overly busy. I'll update something more later.
xoxo
Monday, January 19, 2009
This is my President
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/us/politics/20obama.html?_r=1&nl=pol&emc=pola1
This is the man who will become my President tomorrow, and I have so much hope in his term as such. (And I'm already hoping for a second term, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Let's work on THIS term first!)
I believe that not only will President Obama do good work himself, but he will encourage Americans to do their own good work. I believe that he's going to set an example of leadership that reminds us of moderation rather than conspicuous consumption, and that he helps our communities to work together and within.
Tessa and I are waiting for some chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven, and then we're going to take them to Family Promise. If I was homeless, one of the zillion things that I'd miss would be hot, home-made cookies, fresh from the oven. We're baking half of them and delivering them warm; the other half, we're bringing dough, so the kids can bake them at the church shelter tonight. (All of the participating churches have kitchens, I believe.) We don't have money to donate right now, but we have some unneeded items that the shelter is in need of, so we'll deliver those as well. We'll hang out with the families to visit, too.
This is Obama's challenge to us today: go out and do some community service. My own contribution is tiny, but it's more than I would have done if Obama hadn't inspired me to do this little extra bit today.
What will you do today? And tomorrow? And next week? Can you do it? YES WE CAN!
This is the man who will become my President tomorrow, and I have so much hope in his term as such. (And I'm already hoping for a second term, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Let's work on THIS term first!)
I believe that not only will President Obama do good work himself, but he will encourage Americans to do their own good work. I believe that he's going to set an example of leadership that reminds us of moderation rather than conspicuous consumption, and that he helps our communities to work together and within.
Tessa and I are waiting for some chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven, and then we're going to take them to Family Promise. If I was homeless, one of the zillion things that I'd miss would be hot, home-made cookies, fresh from the oven. We're baking half of them and delivering them warm; the other half, we're bringing dough, so the kids can bake them at the church shelter tonight. (All of the participating churches have kitchens, I believe.) We don't have money to donate right now, but we have some unneeded items that the shelter is in need of, so we'll deliver those as well. We'll hang out with the families to visit, too.
This is Obama's challenge to us today: go out and do some community service. My own contribution is tiny, but it's more than I would have done if Obama hadn't inspired me to do this little extra bit today.
What will you do today? And tomorrow? And next week? Can you do it? YES WE CAN!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Running
Note to self: After months of being sedentary, and a week after surgery, running a couple of miles and walking all over with an excitable 80 pound dog is, umm, a recipe for sore muscles. Perhaps a little moderation might be in order next time?
Well, moderation or not, I'm feeling so much better now that I'm practically giddy. There is nothing like feeling like hell to remind a person just how good it is to feel normal. No pain when I breathe in, no back clenching between my shoulderblades, no mental shadows of impending doom with upcoming surgeries.
Just a body that is adjusting, nice soft breasts that don't wake me up at night (try sleeping with baseballs in your bed, and you get the idea....roll over on them and they wake you up). These are not noticeable.
Wow.
So today I did a lot of normal things. Drank coffee with the family, made oatmeal with berries and yogurt for breakfast, went to church, had lunch with friends, took Tessa and Shep to the park and the beach. (Ryan had to work this afternoon, but at least we got a half day with him.) We ran an errand to the grocery store after the park, and when we got home I put in a loaf of bread to bake, made a batch of granola, did a load of laundry, swept, tided, and made dinner (dover sole piccata style, with broccoli and a not-so-great boxed risotto from Trader Joe's). Played with Tessa throughout. Read her a really long story called "If a Bus Could Talk" about Rosa Parks and MLK, Jr. and the brave people who have helped to integrate this country.
Nothing spectacular in that whole list. Nothing unusual. But it's so NORMAL that I just revel in it. Listening to "This I Believe" on NPR while making coffee is a TREAT when my body doesn't hurt. Running after Tessa and Shep is a treat when my body lets me do it. (For the sake of gratitude, I will not focus on how much my quads hurt when we went down the long steps from the top of the park to the beach. That pain was self-inflicted from running, nothing to do with surgery or breast cancer.)
And my mind is all over the place - still fuzzy from anesthesia (really, could someone PLEASE research the cognitive affects of anesthesia? I know I'm not imagining this) but recovering. I'm thinking about how to build a chicken coop and raise chickens, where the garden should go and how much bigger it should become, how to really get the Hunts Point book moving forward, when to schedule my runs (early morning...oh dear), etc.
So I'm running, literally and figuratively. I get out of breath but I know I can do this. Time to create my training plan; time to figure out who to be and what to do with my life!
This oughtta be good.
Well, moderation or not, I'm feeling so much better now that I'm practically giddy. There is nothing like feeling like hell to remind a person just how good it is to feel normal. No pain when I breathe in, no back clenching between my shoulderblades, no mental shadows of impending doom with upcoming surgeries.
Just a body that is adjusting, nice soft breasts that don't wake me up at night (try sleeping with baseballs in your bed, and you get the idea....roll over on them and they wake you up). These are not noticeable.
Wow.
So today I did a lot of normal things. Drank coffee with the family, made oatmeal with berries and yogurt for breakfast, went to church, had lunch with friends, took Tessa and Shep to the park and the beach. (Ryan had to work this afternoon, but at least we got a half day with him.) We ran an errand to the grocery store after the park, and when we got home I put in a loaf of bread to bake, made a batch of granola, did a load of laundry, swept, tided, and made dinner (dover sole piccata style, with broccoli and a not-so-great boxed risotto from Trader Joe's). Played with Tessa throughout. Read her a really long story called "If a Bus Could Talk" about Rosa Parks and MLK, Jr. and the brave people who have helped to integrate this country.
Nothing spectacular in that whole list. Nothing unusual. But it's so NORMAL that I just revel in it. Listening to "This I Believe" on NPR while making coffee is a TREAT when my body doesn't hurt. Running after Tessa and Shep is a treat when my body lets me do it. (For the sake of gratitude, I will not focus on how much my quads hurt when we went down the long steps from the top of the park to the beach. That pain was self-inflicted from running, nothing to do with surgery or breast cancer.)
And my mind is all over the place - still fuzzy from anesthesia (really, could someone PLEASE research the cognitive affects of anesthesia? I know I'm not imagining this) but recovering. I'm thinking about how to build a chicken coop and raise chickens, where the garden should go and how much bigger it should become, how to really get the Hunts Point book moving forward, when to schedule my runs (early morning...oh dear), etc.
So I'm running, literally and figuratively. I get out of breath but I know I can do this. Time to create my training plan; time to figure out who to be and what to do with my life!
This oughtta be good.
Friday, January 16, 2009
On/off switch
I am certain that somewhere inside me there is a switch with only the on and off positions.
Yesterday morning I felt horrible, and then through the day, it got much better.
This morning, I woke up thinking, "hey, I feel pretty good!" I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment, he declared things a success (I agree!), and told me that he was lifting all restrictions, just to leave out heavy upper body exercise for another week. Go for a run, resume your life, have fun.
This afternoon I went for a run. I only ran part of the way, walking all the way back, but Shep and I went down to Lowman Beach Park and through Lincoln Park to the pool point before returning home.
I'm creating lists of all of the things I'm behind on, determined to catch up: phone calls, email, church stuff, Tessa's school paperwork, thank you cards (so many!), planning Tessa's birthday, catching up with friends, and way too much housework. Oh, and a family meal together tonight.
But I'm also trying to live in the moment. This is it. This is the moment I have been waiting so long for. No more horrible surgeries ahead of me, no more awful recoveries, no more anesthesia. I have some small stuff that can be done to improve my cosmetic outcome when I'm ready, but I'm not ready and I may never be ready and I can live with what I've got.
If I give you a hug, I will not feel rocks smashing into my chest as I do so (and nor will you!). I don't feel like I'm wearing a too-small lifejacket. My back doesn't hurt so much.
And I'm just getting started.
Today I'm not asking "What if." I'm tired of the what if's - enough already. I'm too exhausted just thinking of them, so I'm dismissing them. Healthy denial.
This is the moment. What is that I will do with my one wild and precious life?
----------------
The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Yesterday morning I felt horrible, and then through the day, it got much better.
This morning, I woke up thinking, "hey, I feel pretty good!" I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment, he declared things a success (I agree!), and told me that he was lifting all restrictions, just to leave out heavy upper body exercise for another week. Go for a run, resume your life, have fun.
This afternoon I went for a run. I only ran part of the way, walking all the way back, but Shep and I went down to Lowman Beach Park and through Lincoln Park to the pool point before returning home.
I'm creating lists of all of the things I'm behind on, determined to catch up: phone calls, email, church stuff, Tessa's school paperwork, thank you cards (so many!), planning Tessa's birthday, catching up with friends, and way too much housework. Oh, and a family meal together tonight.
But I'm also trying to live in the moment. This is it. This is the moment I have been waiting so long for. No more horrible surgeries ahead of me, no more awful recoveries, no more anesthesia. I have some small stuff that can be done to improve my cosmetic outcome when I'm ready, but I'm not ready and I may never be ready and I can live with what I've got.
If I give you a hug, I will not feel rocks smashing into my chest as I do so (and nor will you!). I don't feel like I'm wearing a too-small lifejacket. My back doesn't hurt so much.
And I'm just getting started.
Today I'm not asking "What if." I'm tired of the what if's - enough already. I'm too exhausted just thinking of them, so I'm dismissing them. Healthy denial.
This is the moment. What is that I will do with my one wild and precious life?
----------------
The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Coming back
This morning I woke up feeling pretty much like the night before.
Some time between then and now I started to feel good. Oh HALLELUJAH! I can hardly believe it - I feel so much more human and hopeful.
Even though I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment, and realized that it's TOMORROW. Duh. But since I found myself parked on Broadway, I decided to pop into Gilda's club to see what they had to offer (free yoga for cancer survivors and friends - intriguing!), and then I took a walk up Broadway while I listened to my iPod. I moved slowly, so much more slowly than usual, but I walked a few blocks. I bought myself a cute hat from a store far trendier than I am. I nursed my coffee from home, then refilled it at Tully's. I came home across the bridge, and Heather called, and we met for lunch. I went to the thrift store in the Junction and got myself a new watch to replace the one that had mysteriously disappeared. I felt proud of myself for going second hand when I could have bought a new one, but this means less production, less driving around for me, keeping something out of a landfill, helping the American Cancer Society (the store is a nonprofit run by volunteers).....very satisfying.
So my energy is higher than it's been in at least a week.
Ahhhh, it's good to return.
PS I know, don't overdo it. I know.
Some time between then and now I started to feel good. Oh HALLELUJAH! I can hardly believe it - I feel so much more human and hopeful.
Even though I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment, and realized that it's TOMORROW. Duh. But since I found myself parked on Broadway, I decided to pop into Gilda's club to see what they had to offer (free yoga for cancer survivors and friends - intriguing!), and then I took a walk up Broadway while I listened to my iPod. I moved slowly, so much more slowly than usual, but I walked a few blocks. I bought myself a cute hat from a store far trendier than I am. I nursed my coffee from home, then refilled it at Tully's. I came home across the bridge, and Heather called, and we met for lunch. I went to the thrift store in the Junction and got myself a new watch to replace the one that had mysteriously disappeared. I felt proud of myself for going second hand when I could have bought a new one, but this means less production, less driving around for me, keeping something out of a landfill, helping the American Cancer Society (the store is a nonprofit run by volunteers).....very satisfying.
So my energy is higher than it's been in at least a week.
Ahhhh, it's good to return.
PS I know, don't overdo it. I know.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Looking forward
Grumpy as I am, I'm filled with ideas about the future.
Tonight I'm thinking about chickens, and gardens.
I think I have a better idea about chickens, and what they need, and how to put together a coop. I think that perhaps April or May will be chicken season. I've been reading books at the library, with more coming, about how to raise chickens. I don't know what breeds I want yet, but I'm looking for breeds good for beginners, good layers, gentle dispositions. And I'd love blue eggs. Anybody have ideas? We will get three chickens, perhaps all different breeds, so that I can have baskets of multicolored eggs and not just at Easter. I've been learning pros and cons of different types of bedding, how to harvest and use the manure as fertilizer, etc.
And I'm dreaming of the second season of my garden. I want to build cloches so that I can have lettuce and spinach and kale and chard more year round. I want way more garlic because five heads didn't last me long at all (especially because they were small). I'll double the strawberry patch because we can never have enough strawberries, and I think we'll add raspberry vines this year in the side yard. I never did plant rhubarb last year, and that will be good, too. Tons of sugar snap peas, lots of radishes, and at least three times the quantity of carrots. And potatoes in the raised bed (just read an article about that). Way more onions than before. And green beans, too.
And oh those beautiful tomatoes. Lots and lots and LOTS of tomatoes.
Vermicompost, regular compost, chicken manure. We'll do it organically, on our little plot of yard near the city, and when I make a salad with things from my garden I will know that it's a good day.
Tonight I'm thinking about chickens, and gardens.
I think I have a better idea about chickens, and what they need, and how to put together a coop. I think that perhaps April or May will be chicken season. I've been reading books at the library, with more coming, about how to raise chickens. I don't know what breeds I want yet, but I'm looking for breeds good for beginners, good layers, gentle dispositions. And I'd love blue eggs. Anybody have ideas? We will get three chickens, perhaps all different breeds, so that I can have baskets of multicolored eggs and not just at Easter. I've been learning pros and cons of different types of bedding, how to harvest and use the manure as fertilizer, etc.
And I'm dreaming of the second season of my garden. I want to build cloches so that I can have lettuce and spinach and kale and chard more year round. I want way more garlic because five heads didn't last me long at all (especially because they were small). I'll double the strawberry patch because we can never have enough strawberries, and I think we'll add raspberry vines this year in the side yard. I never did plant rhubarb last year, and that will be good, too. Tons of sugar snap peas, lots of radishes, and at least three times the quantity of carrots. And potatoes in the raised bed (just read an article about that). Way more onions than before. And green beans, too.
And oh those beautiful tomatoes. Lots and lots and LOTS of tomatoes.
Vermicompost, regular compost, chicken manure. We'll do it organically, on our little plot of yard near the city, and when I make a salad with things from my garden I will know that it's a good day.
Living in the moment
Okay, living in the moment, being present with life, feeling the power of "now," all of these things are worthy goals, and I am constantly trying to attain them.
But the problem is that the moment I'm in isn't the greatest, and I really just wish it would pass. I feel uncomfortable in my body, I feel muddled from oxycodone (I took one yesterday evening again...sigh), I just feel out of sorts.
I'm dreaming of a world in which I run marathons, write the Hunts Point book, volunteer in Tessa's classroom, have friends over to dinner, walk the dog, read interesting novels, write thank you cards, play with Tessa on the beach.
And instead I'm just here, at home, in my bathrobe, feeling muddled and saddened by the muddled feelings.
Sigh.
Is it a case of "rest and heal" or "get off your sorry a** and get on with it!"? I haven't got it figured out. I'm not used to this version of myself.
But the problem is that the moment I'm in isn't the greatest, and I really just wish it would pass. I feel uncomfortable in my body, I feel muddled from oxycodone (I took one yesterday evening again...sigh), I just feel out of sorts.
I'm dreaming of a world in which I run marathons, write the Hunts Point book, volunteer in Tessa's classroom, have friends over to dinner, walk the dog, read interesting novels, write thank you cards, play with Tessa on the beach.
And instead I'm just here, at home, in my bathrobe, feeling muddled and saddened by the muddled feelings.
Sigh.
Is it a case of "rest and heal" or "get off your sorry a** and get on with it!"? I haven't got it figured out. I'm not used to this version of myself.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Impatient impatient impatient
I have done nothing today. NOTHING.
And so how come I don't feel more energized?!!!!!!!
And so how come I don't feel more energized?!!!!!!!
Adjustments
So yesterday morning I was on top of the world and ready to prove it; yesterday afternoon I hit the wall (couch).
This morning I still feel tired and not refreshed - arghhhhhhh! I changed the day around, so I canceled attending covenant group, I called my mom and asked her to come over this afternoon after Tessa's off school, and I had Ryan drive Tessa and Pascal to school (it was my day to carpool).
I am tired, and annoyed, by all of this. I'm trying to be my new, improved self and instead I am a patient, and an impatient one at that.
Adding insult to injury for all of this is that I am "supposed" to be fully operational at this point (just modified activities in terms of weight and exercise restrictions). An exchange surgery is "no big deal" for many girls. I'm used to being the super-healer, and I don't like being the slow girl. I don't like it at all.
In my own defense, I think it's a lot harder for the body to heal from surgery #10 than it is from surgery #1. And in addition to the exchange, the doc had to remove an awful lot of scar tissue and encapsulation, and that is painful stuff...much more than the "standard" I believe.
My body is just beat up. And I'm feeling it.
So today, my goal is to have a shower. To change my clothes. Now isn't that exciting....argh. Maybe if I'm quiet all day, tomorrow I'll feel a surge of energy that will stick around.
I'm waiting.
This morning I still feel tired and not refreshed - arghhhhhhh! I changed the day around, so I canceled attending covenant group, I called my mom and asked her to come over this afternoon after Tessa's off school, and I had Ryan drive Tessa and Pascal to school (it was my day to carpool).
I am tired, and annoyed, by all of this. I'm trying to be my new, improved self and instead I am a patient, and an impatient one at that.
Adding insult to injury for all of this is that I am "supposed" to be fully operational at this point (just modified activities in terms of weight and exercise restrictions). An exchange surgery is "no big deal" for many girls. I'm used to being the super-healer, and I don't like being the slow girl. I don't like it at all.
In my own defense, I think it's a lot harder for the body to heal from surgery #10 than it is from surgery #1. And in addition to the exchange, the doc had to remove an awful lot of scar tissue and encapsulation, and that is painful stuff...much more than the "standard" I believe.
My body is just beat up. And I'm feeling it.
So today, my goal is to have a shower. To change my clothes. Now isn't that exciting....argh. Maybe if I'm quiet all day, tomorrow I'll feel a surge of energy that will stick around.
I'm waiting.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Slow
This morning I felt like a new woman. To prove it, I took Shep for a walk.
By 2pm I was well aware that I was an old woman, not a new one. A couple of calls, and Tessa's care had been set up, and I took an oxycodone and hit the couch.
Tomorrow will be another day.
On a totally different note - I'm researching alternative areola tattoos; I am thinking of getting a flower in place of what is traditionally there. I don't want nipples any more - I'm just too tired of surgery to even try. And if it's not goign to look real, I wonder if maybe a flower would be better.
Anyone have websites to show me, or any survivors out there have pictures to send?
By 2pm I was well aware that I was an old woman, not a new one. A couple of calls, and Tessa's care had been set up, and I took an oxycodone and hit the couch.
Tomorrow will be another day.
On a totally different note - I'm researching alternative areola tattoos; I am thinking of getting a flower in place of what is traditionally there. I don't want nipples any more - I'm just too tired of surgery to even try. And if it's not goign to look real, I wonder if maybe a flower would be better.
Anyone have websites to show me, or any survivors out there have pictures to send?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
gearing up to real life
Tomorrow I will attempt real life, with carpooling, lunch-packing, laundry, and the rest.
I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight!
I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight!
Baby steps
This morning, I laid in the guest bed reading "Runner's World" magazine. (I was particularly struck by a story of friends who ran together, sharing life's highs and lows and they put in the miles together.)
And then I decided that I was sick of laying in bed, and it was time to get moving. So I got up, poured myself a bowl of home-made granola (man I love that stuff), checked email, and stripped the guest bed. I put the sheets in the wash, moved my reading materials upstairs, and then decided that the kitchen sink was a frightening shade of gray, so I scrubbed it back to pearly white.
Of course, now I'm exhausted. But that's okay. Yesterday I couldn't have accomplished this much, and it's that I'm reminding myself. Baby steps are okay.
Maybe tomorrow I'll even go outside. It'll be a while before I'm logging miles, but I'm feeling very inspired to do so.
Baby steps.
And then I decided that I was sick of laying in bed, and it was time to get moving. So I got up, poured myself a bowl of home-made granola (man I love that stuff), checked email, and stripped the guest bed. I put the sheets in the wash, moved my reading materials upstairs, and then decided that the kitchen sink was a frightening shade of gray, so I scrubbed it back to pearly white.
Of course, now I'm exhausted. But that's okay. Yesterday I couldn't have accomplished this much, and it's that I'm reminding myself. Baby steps are okay.
Maybe tomorrow I'll even go outside. It'll be a while before I'm logging miles, but I'm feeling very inspired to do so.
Baby steps.
dreaming
I am dreaming of a world where surgery is not hanging over me.
Is it really possible that I've arrived in that world? That all I need to do now is heal, and then I can go about my life? That I can train for runs, that my back won't hurt from having expanders stitched to my muscles, that I can just move forward?
WOW.
It's sinking in that this may be my new reality, and I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me.
Is it really possible that I've arrived in that world? That all I need to do now is heal, and then I can go about my life? That I can train for runs, that my back won't hurt from having expanders stitched to my muscles, that I can just move forward?
WOW.
It's sinking in that this may be my new reality, and I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me.
Back to the right direction
I feel SO much better today. Impatient to do the many things I wish to do, and feeling pretty good.
Phew.
Phew.
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