Today I logged in to the Warrior Women website for the 3-Day
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
and my smile couldn't be bigger. Our team is 15 women strong and growing...and my amazing friends have raised $9500+ so far. Every day I see the numbers climb a little bit, and I think:
"When our daughters are women, breast cancer will be a thing of the past. They will not live in fear: they will live proud of the work of their mothers before them. Our daughters will keep their breasts, and their lives, because of the work we do."
Our daughters, daughter-in-laws, nieces, friends, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins....ourselves.
Of course, there is a LOT of work to be done between now and then, but I believe we can do it. My fourteen friends - some new, some old - are working hard. Our work will make a difference!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
"Shoulds" that I can live with
Maybe this is why my 30s are better than my 20s, despite the obvious problems...
(Written by someone else...one of those emails distributed all over the place)
1. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
2. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
3. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
4. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
5. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
6. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
7. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
8. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
9. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
10. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
11. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
12. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
13. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
14. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
15. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... 16. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
17. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally..
18. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
19. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
(Written by someone else...one of those emails distributed all over the place)
1. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
2. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
3. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
4. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
5. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
6. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
7. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
8. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
9. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
10. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
11. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
12. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
13. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
14. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
15. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... 16. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
17. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally..
18. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
19. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
Being healthy
Now that I'm feeling relatively good, I'm ready to work at really being healthy again. My pants are telling me that the "I deserve a scone because I'm about to have surgery/having surgery/just had surgery" attitude did not pay off, and I'm ready to work on being well again.
Time for the gym; time for Pilates (argh!); time for outdoor runs. And time, I'm afraid, to kiss the scones goodbye. It's worth it, though: Hawaii (and my bikini!) calls to me, and I am determined to enjoy my time on the beach feeling unselfconscious, kissed by the sun, admired by my husband. :-) (To Ryan's credit, he is always super kind about my weight, and always tells me that I'm beautiful....but I know the difference so I want to make sure that I EARN his admiration, not just get it because he has to. :-) )
Time for the gym; time for Pilates (argh!); time for outdoor runs. And time, I'm afraid, to kiss the scones goodbye. It's worth it, though: Hawaii (and my bikini!) calls to me, and I am determined to enjoy my time on the beach feeling unselfconscious, kissed by the sun, admired by my husband. :-) (To Ryan's credit, he is always super kind about my weight, and always tells me that I'm beautiful....but I know the difference so I want to make sure that I EARN his admiration, not just get it because he has to. :-) )
Monday, March 12, 2007
I love survivor stories!
From the Pacific Northwest Magazine this weekend - stories of people who have survived despite the odds. If they can do it, maybe I can do it too. I'm counting on it!
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/pacificnw03112007/2003608432_pacificpsurvivor11.html
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/pacificnw03112007/2003608432_pacificpsurvivor11.html
Humbly asking for your help again
Dear friends and family,
I have asked for your help many times in the past two years, and you have given it to me: I lost count a long time ago about how many meals were made, how many hours Tessa was cared for, how many cards were written, how many gifts of friendship and kindness were offered and received. Every gift is marked in my heart, though, and I am more grateful than I can say. I couldn't have made it without you, and I know in my deepest heart that I have you to be thankful toward for getting me through the worst times of my life.
I am asking for your help again: please support me in The Breast Cancer 3-Day to fund Susan G. Komen for the Cure's research to end breast cancer.
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
I am grateful to be NED (no evidence of disease); all of my scans show that the cancer is being kept at bay, and that I am healthy. Almost two years since my diagnosis, I am nearly rebuilt...Humpty Dumpty is being put back together again. It's hard to believe how much has happened to me since June 2005: two mastectomies, a node dissection, port placement, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, hysterectomy/oopharectomy, and multiple reconstruction surgeries, in addition to the continuation of Femara and Herceptin (drugs designed to keep the cancer away). I lost count a long time ago about how many needles, how many scans, or how many blood tests. I keep working hard to be well, watching my diet and exercise, taking my meds, undergoing reconstruction, going to physical therapy. Cancer is hard work, but I don't mind the work as long as I stay healthy.
I feel that now, when I am healthy, my real work is ahead of me. I am asking for your support to fund the cure. My real work is to end breast cancer for everyone, now that my personal battles are (hopefully) behind me.
This year, again, I am participating in The Breast Cancer 3-Day. I will raise pledges and commit to walking 60 miles over the course of three days (September 7-9, 2007) in an effort to end breast cancer. Last year, my team of ten raised $32,000, and this year we are determined to raise even more money to fund vital research to end breast cancer. I am incredibly grateful to all of our donors from last year: we are making a difference, and I can't do it without you. I humbly ask for your support again, so that we can get steps closer to the cure this year.
I hate breast cancer. One in eight women will be diagnosed in her lifetime, and I am sick to death of it. I am surrounded by breast cancer, not just in my support groups but elsewhere. My neighbor, Mira, was diagnosed with stage IV a year after me. Another neighbor's mom - herself a very young woman - was diagnosed last year. Just last week, one of Ryan's colleagues was diagnosed. I know that many of the people on this email have been touched by breast cancer by people other than myself - sister in laws, moms, grandmas, and friends. Nobody is immune from this hateful disease, and we must stop it!I am dedicating my life's work to ending breast cancer, and I need your help. Together, we can end breast cancer...I am sure of it!I am committed to raising a mimimum of $2200.00, and I am leading a team of women who are, together, committed to raising much more: we hope to raise $60,000.00 this year. Please support me by going to the 3-Day website and making your pledge:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Or, consider joining me in the walk! Join my team, Warrior Women:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/warriorwomen
I walk so that my beautiful daughter Tessa may live in a world without breast cancer. Will you please support me?
Kristina Surface
I have asked for your help many times in the past two years, and you have given it to me: I lost count a long time ago about how many meals were made, how many hours Tessa was cared for, how many cards were written, how many gifts of friendship and kindness were offered and received. Every gift is marked in my heart, though, and I am more grateful than I can say. I couldn't have made it without you, and I know in my deepest heart that I have you to be thankful toward for getting me through the worst times of my life.
I am asking for your help again: please support me in The Breast Cancer 3-Day to fund Susan G. Komen for the Cure's research to end breast cancer.
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
I am grateful to be NED (no evidence of disease); all of my scans show that the cancer is being kept at bay, and that I am healthy. Almost two years since my diagnosis, I am nearly rebuilt...Humpty Dumpty is being put back together again. It's hard to believe how much has happened to me since June 2005: two mastectomies, a node dissection, port placement, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, hysterectomy/oopharectomy, and multiple reconstruction surgeries, in addition to the continuation of Femara and Herceptin (drugs designed to keep the cancer away). I lost count a long time ago about how many needles, how many scans, or how many blood tests. I keep working hard to be well, watching my diet and exercise, taking my meds, undergoing reconstruction, going to physical therapy. Cancer is hard work, but I don't mind the work as long as I stay healthy.
I feel that now, when I am healthy, my real work is ahead of me. I am asking for your support to fund the cure. My real work is to end breast cancer for everyone, now that my personal battles are (hopefully) behind me.
This year, again, I am participating in The Breast Cancer 3-Day. I will raise pledges and commit to walking 60 miles over the course of three days (September 7-9, 2007) in an effort to end breast cancer. Last year, my team of ten raised $32,000, and this year we are determined to raise even more money to fund vital research to end breast cancer. I am incredibly grateful to all of our donors from last year: we are making a difference, and I can't do it without you. I humbly ask for your support again, so that we can get steps closer to the cure this year.
I hate breast cancer. One in eight women will be diagnosed in her lifetime, and I am sick to death of it. I am surrounded by breast cancer, not just in my support groups but elsewhere. My neighbor, Mira, was diagnosed with stage IV a year after me. Another neighbor's mom - herself a very young woman - was diagnosed last year. Just last week, one of Ryan's colleagues was diagnosed. I know that many of the people on this email have been touched by breast cancer by people other than myself - sister in laws, moms, grandmas, and friends. Nobody is immune from this hateful disease, and we must stop it!I am dedicating my life's work to ending breast cancer, and I need your help. Together, we can end breast cancer...I am sure of it!I am committed to raising a mimimum of $2200.00, and I am leading a team of women who are, together, committed to raising much more: we hope to raise $60,000.00 this year. Please support me by going to the 3-Day website and making your pledge:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/rykri
Or, consider joining me in the walk! Join my team, Warrior Women:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/warriorwomen
I walk so that my beautiful daughter Tessa may live in a world without breast cancer. Will you please support me?
Kristina Surface
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Two!
I am so excited to have to boobs. Never thought I'd say those words - let alone say them on the internet - but there it is. It's one step closer to normal, and normal sounds pretty darn exhilerating these days.
Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon, and she removed the bandages and checked everything out. Things are healing nicely (and ahead of schedule), and I was given the thumbs' up to go bra shopping and to take a shower. I'm not sure which of those two excited me more - I am sick of wearing bras with pockets and surgical bras etc, but I also hadn't taken a shower (instead sponge baths and washing my hair over the sink) since the day of surgery.
In the best news of all, I'm already gaining mobility in my left arm. I need to get in to physical therapy asap, but I can lift my elbow above my shoulder on my left side again, and that really makes me hopeful.
I'm not allowed to start running for another week, and that's okay - I'm still pretty wiped out. After yesterday's trip to the doctor and then bra shopping, I was so wiped out that I was in bed at 7pm and it felt like 3am to me. One day at a time...and each is better than the last.
My mom has helped SO much with Tessa; Tessa is with her now. I don't know how I'd have done this without her! I love you, Mom. :-)
Kristina
Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon, and she removed the bandages and checked everything out. Things are healing nicely (and ahead of schedule), and I was given the thumbs' up to go bra shopping and to take a shower. I'm not sure which of those two excited me more - I am sick of wearing bras with pockets and surgical bras etc, but I also hadn't taken a shower (instead sponge baths and washing my hair over the sink) since the day of surgery.
In the best news of all, I'm already gaining mobility in my left arm. I need to get in to physical therapy asap, but I can lift my elbow above my shoulder on my left side again, and that really makes me hopeful.
I'm not allowed to start running for another week, and that's okay - I'm still pretty wiped out. After yesterday's trip to the doctor and then bra shopping, I was so wiped out that I was in bed at 7pm and it felt like 3am to me. One day at a time...and each is better than the last.
My mom has helped SO much with Tessa; Tessa is with her now. I don't know how I'd have done this without her! I love you, Mom. :-)
Kristina
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The upswing
Well, today I am feeling a lot better than yesterday; I think that I'm on the healing trend now. Hallelujah - I'm tired of being a patient, and I'm tired of lounging in bed. Daytime TV is NOT interesting, and when I'm tired/uncomfortable/in pain/groggy from meds then I don't feel up to reading much. But today, I feel like maybe I can tackle a few things, and start to behave like a more normal person.
And speaking of normal people...
Underneath this huge, awful, white cotton bra that resembles a mini straitjacket, there are two breasts. Two! They are bruised (ouch), scarred, bandaged, and swollen, but they are mine. Soon, when I hug my daughter, there will be something soft for her to lean on. I will be able to wear tank tops and strapless dresses this summer. I will run on the beach in a bathing suit, and though my scars will be visible (about 12 inches of them across my back, for starters) the first thing people think when they see me will not be "cancer."
And the ugly little port is gone, too. I should be more sentimental towards it, given how much it helped me during the last 21 months...but instead, I am just relieved that it's gone.
And mobility? Well, the judge is still out on that one. I'm really tender on the left side, and so I have a lot of work to do - time to call Adrienne to set up PT appts. I'm hopeful, though. By the the fall, I plan to work out at the gym on all the weights, upper and lower body. And I plan to take some yoga classes. The mobility is a huge issue, but I'll work on it.
It will happen. Bit by bit, it's happening. Today it's my simple goal to walk around the block...but in October it's my goal to run a marathon. My work is cut out for me!
And speaking of normal people...
Underneath this huge, awful, white cotton bra that resembles a mini straitjacket, there are two breasts. Two! They are bruised (ouch), scarred, bandaged, and swollen, but they are mine. Soon, when I hug my daughter, there will be something soft for her to lean on. I will be able to wear tank tops and strapless dresses this summer. I will run on the beach in a bathing suit, and though my scars will be visible (about 12 inches of them across my back, for starters) the first thing people think when they see me will not be "cancer."
And the ugly little port is gone, too. I should be more sentimental towards it, given how much it helped me during the last 21 months...but instead, I am just relieved that it's gone.
And mobility? Well, the judge is still out on that one. I'm really tender on the left side, and so I have a lot of work to do - time to call Adrienne to set up PT appts. I'm hopeful, though. By the the fall, I plan to work out at the gym on all the weights, upper and lower body. And I plan to take some yoga classes. The mobility is a huge issue, but I'll work on it.
It will happen. Bit by bit, it's happening. Today it's my simple goal to walk around the block...but in October it's my goal to run a marathon. My work is cut out for me!
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Reconstruction photos
NOT MINE - I have been taking pics of each step of the way but I'm not putting them on my blog, as I do have SOME boundaries left. (However, if you are breast cancer patient and read my blog, I am all too happy to send you a series of photos of my reconstruction efforts; I have truly appreciated the women who shared their results with me, as seeing such pictures gave me hope. Just send me an email if you want to see my photos.) I don't want to give my father, father-in-law, or brother a heart attack by putting pictures of my breasts where they can see them, but I'll share with those who ask to see.
Anyway...
Here is a very well done website that shows some of what I have done as well, from mastectomy to implants (and then nipples). Frankly, this person looks a lot better than I think I will, because of my radiation scars etc., but it gives an idea.
http://myselftogetheragain.org/process.htm
Anyway...
Here is a very well done website that shows some of what I have done as well, from mastectomy to implants (and then nipples). Frankly, this person looks a lot better than I think I will, because of my radiation scars etc., but it gives an idea.
http://myselftogetheragain.org/process.htm
So is this the hardest day?
I regret to say that it's not getting easier; I thought that today I'd be feeling a bit better. I'm really, really tender, and any kind of movement makes me super sore to the point of yelping (this includes deep breaths, reaching for the TV remote, pouring myself a glass of water....LITTLE things).
I keep hoping that if I can get some sleep (hard to do at this time) I will wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. So far this hasn't come true but I know these feelings won't last forever.
I can't wait until I can go running. Right now it sounds like the ultimate challenge, and when I'm well enough to run I'll know that I'm really actually well.
I keep hoping that if I can get some sleep (hard to do at this time) I will wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. So far this hasn't come true but I know these feelings won't last forever.
I can't wait until I can go running. Right now it sounds like the ultimate challenge, and when I'm well enough to run I'll know that I'm really actually well.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
As long as I don't move..!
I feel okay, as long as I'm sitting perfectly still. Sigh. I'm to the point where I count the hours until my next pain pill, and rolling, sitting, standing, or shifting positions HURT.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
So far so good
Well, I was able to sleep moderately well last night, and that is a very good thing. A good rest is a cure-all for most things, I'm finding! I was tired not only from the surgery, but also from lack of sleep the night before. Tessa had been feeling my anxiety over this procedure, I think, and woke up sobbing "Mama, Mama! Hold me!" which was just heartbreaking...and more than slightly exhausting, as she did this for at least three hours on Thursday night, finally falling asleep in my arms in our bed. My heart went out to her...but it gave me a little pity-party, too, because I, too, was tired and anxious and this didn't help.
Tessa is in a great mood today, however....I've showed her my hospital bracelet, and my bandages, and since these things are (unfortunately) quite familiar to her, I think she feels better about the situation now.
I am very, very tender right now, and can hardly move my left arm, but this should improve with time. I am up and about, but I'm forcing myself to stay in my PJs today to keep myself down. Still, I've been able to help put Frontline on the dog & cat (no more ticks - PLEASE!), to help with breakfast, and to play a bit with Tessa. Ryan is being incredibly kind and considerate (and just finished vacuuming - boy is it sexy when a man vacuums ;-) ) to me and is encouraging me to rest, but I can't just sit in bed all day, because then I REALLY feel sick!
In addition to tenderness/pain in my chest, I have a really sore throat from the breathing tube (what's the name for that thing again?). This too shall pass.
I think that Ryan & Tessa are going to the "Grossology" exhibit today or tomorrow, and Shep has put in his request for a trip to the dog park. Not bad, all things considered. It's certainly been worse, and if this is the worst of it, I'll be okay.
Many thanks and much love to my parents for watching Tessa so lovingly all day yesterday so that Ryan could care for me and so that Tessa didn't have to hang out at the hospital for hours on end.
Love,
Kristina
Tessa is in a great mood today, however....I've showed her my hospital bracelet, and my bandages, and since these things are (unfortunately) quite familiar to her, I think she feels better about the situation now.
I am very, very tender right now, and can hardly move my left arm, but this should improve with time. I am up and about, but I'm forcing myself to stay in my PJs today to keep myself down. Still, I've been able to help put Frontline on the dog & cat (no more ticks - PLEASE!), to help with breakfast, and to play a bit with Tessa. Ryan is being incredibly kind and considerate (and just finished vacuuming - boy is it sexy when a man vacuums ;-) ) to me and is encouraging me to rest, but I can't just sit in bed all day, because then I REALLY feel sick!
In addition to tenderness/pain in my chest, I have a really sore throat from the breathing tube (what's the name for that thing again?). This too shall pass.
I think that Ryan & Tessa are going to the "Grossology" exhibit today or tomorrow, and Shep has put in his request for a trip to the dog park. Not bad, all things considered. It's certainly been worse, and if this is the worst of it, I'll be okay.
Many thanks and much love to my parents for watching Tessa so lovingly all day yesterday so that Ryan could care for me and so that Tessa didn't have to hang out at the hospital for hours on end.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, March 02, 2007
Surgery # 7 Completed
I'm home!
The surgery went well, and I am now home and resting. I haven't seen the results yet as they're hidden under a Goliath of a white cotton post-surgical bra, but I am hopeful. I feel okay; I definitely won't be going out dancing any time soon but I've experienced much worse and I'm hopeful for a quick recovery.
It is good to be home.
The surgery went well, and I am now home and resting. I haven't seen the results yet as they're hidden under a Goliath of a white cotton post-surgical bra, but I am hopeful. I feel okay; I definitely won't be going out dancing any time soon but I've experienced much worse and I'm hopeful for a quick recovery.
It is good to be home.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Okay, at least this time tomorrow it will be done!
Despite my bad attitude, I'm going about the preparations for surgery. The house is sort of in order (!), the freezer is full of food, childcare is lined up for pretty much all of next week, I bought some PJs that button up in the front, I made sure that Tessa got two great playdates today and some good 1:1 Mommy & Tessa time. I took the dog to the vet (because he got a tick - yuck), I did Herceptin....it's been quite a day.
My apologies to Beth who came over for a quiet coffee date (moms) and playdate (girls) and ended being swept up in my crazy afternoon! Thank you for understanding, Beth, and for watching Tessa so I could do the emergency vet run.
I'm tired and still haven't packed a hospital bag, but that's okay. I'm going to bed - I'll pack the bag tomorrow!
xoxo
Kristina
My apologies to Beth who came over for a quiet coffee date (moms) and playdate (girls) and ended being swept up in my crazy afternoon! Thank you for understanding, Beth, and for watching Tessa so I could do the emergency vet run.
I'm tired and still haven't packed a hospital bag, but that's okay. I'm going to bed - I'll pack the bag tomorrow!
xoxo
Kristina
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
bad attitude
I've got a bad attitude.
I just got off the phone with the plastic surgeon's office, and I was informed that I will not be able to drive for about a week and a half.
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
In addition to the problems this causes with caring for Tessa (preschool, swim lessons) I'm thinking about grocery shopping, playdates, errands. I'm thinking about how on earth are the next two weeks going to look?
I am so, so, so tired of being a patient. I want to be done. I want to fast forward the hard parts. I want to feel strong again. I want to move ON!
I do a lot of visualizations to stay strong; I've been thinking a lot of playing on the beach in Hawaii with my family. In my image, Tessa and I are holding hands and running into the surf. We're laughing, my face is turned to watch hers delight with amazement. I'm wearing the itsy-bitsy bikini that I bought, feeling good about myself, but not thinking of my body at all, jsut thinking of the moment....of Tessa's laughter, the warm water, the sun on our skin, the sand under our toes, the delight in Tessa's eyes, the feeling of her small hand, so trusting, in mine. Of Ryan watching us, and smiling until his eyes twinkle, happy. In that moment, the surgery will be behind me, not looming over me as it is now.
But even the vision is not helping me today! Today I'm sad and scared and resentful. Harumph.
I just got off the phone with the plastic surgeon's office, and I was informed that I will not be able to drive for about a week and a half.
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
In addition to the problems this causes with caring for Tessa (preschool, swim lessons) I'm thinking about grocery shopping, playdates, errands. I'm thinking about how on earth are the next two weeks going to look?
I am so, so, so tired of being a patient. I want to be done. I want to fast forward the hard parts. I want to feel strong again. I want to move ON!
I do a lot of visualizations to stay strong; I've been thinking a lot of playing on the beach in Hawaii with my family. In my image, Tessa and I are holding hands and running into the surf. We're laughing, my face is turned to watch hers delight with amazement. I'm wearing the itsy-bitsy bikini that I bought, feeling good about myself, but not thinking of my body at all, jsut thinking of the moment....of Tessa's laughter, the warm water, the sun on our skin, the sand under our toes, the delight in Tessa's eyes, the feeling of her small hand, so trusting, in mine. Of Ryan watching us, and smiling until his eyes twinkle, happy. In that moment, the surgery will be behind me, not looming over me as it is now.
But even the vision is not helping me today! Today I'm sad and scared and resentful. Harumph.
Countdown to surgery
My new survivor friend, Maria, in writing about her double mastectomy, said, "It's like I have been erased." Her words took my breath away.
Yes, that's what it's like. Looking down on my chest, and seeing that flat line, really is like being erased. It made me feel small, insignificant. Unsure.
On Friday, I will get one step further to filling in the painting that is me; instead of blank spots on my chest (like after mastectomy) or pencil drawings of general shapes (like now, partially reconstructed with placeholders) we will begin to paint color and form. It is very symbolic to me in my journey that I get breasts back, and it is important to me to restore myself to some semblance of normal.
Today at the gym, I saw the looks. Confusion, then sadness or kindness or both, when women in the showers saw my deformed chest. I hope that soon it will not be quite so obvious, to them or to me.
On Monday, Tessa and Jessie and I were together, and the girls wanted me to read them a story. I sat on the couch, a beautiful little girl on either side of me, and we pulled out the first book. I tried to put my arms around each girl so that she could lean on me as we read, and it was impossible. My left arm doesn't lift that high, and my expanded chest is simply too rock hard and painful to allow a snuggle. In that moment, when I felt so filled with joy at the simple pleasure of reading with inquisitive, playful, loving children...I became filled with anger that I can't even cuddle, that I can't move the way a normal person can move.
I can't lift my arm to do the most basic of things. Driving is painful when I need to do shoulder checks, when I need to make a sharp turn, or when I need to pass a snack or something to Tessa in the back seat. Taking things out of the top cupboards is an act of will and balancing. Dispensing shampoo from the bottle, hanging at eye level in the shower, means standing on my tiptoes to raise my whole body where my arm will not go, so that I can catch the pumped shampoo. Walking with Tessa means gritting my teeth when she wants to hold my hand and hop and skip because it hurts my body. I refuse to NOT hold her hand - she is my daughter! - but I am so, so tired of the aches it causes.
At night, I awaken many times because of the discomfort or pain of rolling over; I can't get comfortable, and so I'm always tired.
I am tired of these minor, yet many, compromises. I want to just be able to move freely. I don't need to be able to lift weights, or to hang from a bar, or to do a lap of butterfly...I just want to stop hurting from doing normal, everyday actions. Now, I do some of these things, but it hurts, and it tires me, and it pushes me to the edge. But what else would I do - not drive? Of course not. I push on through.
Surgery is one step towards fixing that. Hopefully removing the expander will remove much of the discomfort; hopefully they'll be able to remove scar tissue without further damaging anything and I will be able to lift my arm again. For these reasons, I am looking forward to surgery. BRING IT ON!
But I'm scared, too. This is my 7th surgery since diagnosis. I know what it feels like to recover. The anesthesia makes me feel lousy, the pain meds make me feel lousy, the incisions make me feel lousy. Drugs to sleep, drugs to kill pain...drugs that numb my mind and make me an incompetent mother for the time-being. I know all too well what that feels like, and I'm bitterly resentful of it. I'm resentful that I will not be able to hug Tessa, or to let her hop along beside me as she holds my hand, while I heal. That I will not be able to make healthy meals for us, that I will not be able to do much.
This too shall pass. I hope it passes quickly, because I can't help but dread it. It IS worth it to me in the end, but it is still a terrible burden.
If this surgery goes perfectly, there will be one more surgery (nipples) and then tattoos (aereolas). If things aren't perfect (the implant on the left could slip like the one on the right, or they may be different sizes, or pointing in different directions....the radiated side may perform differently than the non-radiated side, even if we do the same procedures) then we'll need another corrective surgery before nipples.
I pray that I'm done with all surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary, June 1. Two years seems like ENOUGH. I'll still be doing Herceptin through September, and Femara through 2011, but isn't two years of surgery ENOUGH?!
In a month, I will be able to hold Tessa tight to my chest, without hurting. My port will be gone (part of this surgery) and her head won't bonk it, making me yelp. I should be able to sit with a child on either side of me, snuggled up on the couch to read a story. Maybe I'll even be able to push Tessa on the swings, yelling "Underdog!" and hearing her laugh as I push her ever higher, running beneath her as she soars through the air.
I can do this. I've done worse. But with each successive surgery, it gets a little harder. I know what I'm getting into.
Yes, that's what it's like. Looking down on my chest, and seeing that flat line, really is like being erased. It made me feel small, insignificant. Unsure.
On Friday, I will get one step further to filling in the painting that is me; instead of blank spots on my chest (like after mastectomy) or pencil drawings of general shapes (like now, partially reconstructed with placeholders) we will begin to paint color and form. It is very symbolic to me in my journey that I get breasts back, and it is important to me to restore myself to some semblance of normal.
Today at the gym, I saw the looks. Confusion, then sadness or kindness or both, when women in the showers saw my deformed chest. I hope that soon it will not be quite so obvious, to them or to me.
On Monday, Tessa and Jessie and I were together, and the girls wanted me to read them a story. I sat on the couch, a beautiful little girl on either side of me, and we pulled out the first book. I tried to put my arms around each girl so that she could lean on me as we read, and it was impossible. My left arm doesn't lift that high, and my expanded chest is simply too rock hard and painful to allow a snuggle. In that moment, when I felt so filled with joy at the simple pleasure of reading with inquisitive, playful, loving children...I became filled with anger that I can't even cuddle, that I can't move the way a normal person can move.
I can't lift my arm to do the most basic of things. Driving is painful when I need to do shoulder checks, when I need to make a sharp turn, or when I need to pass a snack or something to Tessa in the back seat. Taking things out of the top cupboards is an act of will and balancing. Dispensing shampoo from the bottle, hanging at eye level in the shower, means standing on my tiptoes to raise my whole body where my arm will not go, so that I can catch the pumped shampoo. Walking with Tessa means gritting my teeth when she wants to hold my hand and hop and skip because it hurts my body. I refuse to NOT hold her hand - she is my daughter! - but I am so, so tired of the aches it causes.
At night, I awaken many times because of the discomfort or pain of rolling over; I can't get comfortable, and so I'm always tired.
I am tired of these minor, yet many, compromises. I want to just be able to move freely. I don't need to be able to lift weights, or to hang from a bar, or to do a lap of butterfly...I just want to stop hurting from doing normal, everyday actions. Now, I do some of these things, but it hurts, and it tires me, and it pushes me to the edge. But what else would I do - not drive? Of course not. I push on through.
Surgery is one step towards fixing that. Hopefully removing the expander will remove much of the discomfort; hopefully they'll be able to remove scar tissue without further damaging anything and I will be able to lift my arm again. For these reasons, I am looking forward to surgery. BRING IT ON!
But I'm scared, too. This is my 7th surgery since diagnosis. I know what it feels like to recover. The anesthesia makes me feel lousy, the pain meds make me feel lousy, the incisions make me feel lousy. Drugs to sleep, drugs to kill pain...drugs that numb my mind and make me an incompetent mother for the time-being. I know all too well what that feels like, and I'm bitterly resentful of it. I'm resentful that I will not be able to hug Tessa, or to let her hop along beside me as she holds my hand, while I heal. That I will not be able to make healthy meals for us, that I will not be able to do much.
This too shall pass. I hope it passes quickly, because I can't help but dread it. It IS worth it to me in the end, but it is still a terrible burden.
If this surgery goes perfectly, there will be one more surgery (nipples) and then tattoos (aereolas). If things aren't perfect (the implant on the left could slip like the one on the right, or they may be different sizes, or pointing in different directions....the radiated side may perform differently than the non-radiated side, even if we do the same procedures) then we'll need another corrective surgery before nipples.
I pray that I'm done with all surgery by my two year diagnosis anniversary, June 1. Two years seems like ENOUGH. I'll still be doing Herceptin through September, and Femara through 2011, but isn't two years of surgery ENOUGH?!
In a month, I will be able to hold Tessa tight to my chest, without hurting. My port will be gone (part of this surgery) and her head won't bonk it, making me yelp. I should be able to sit with a child on either side of me, snuggled up on the couch to read a story. Maybe I'll even be able to push Tessa on the swings, yelling "Underdog!" and hearing her laugh as I push her ever higher, running beneath her as she soars through the air.
I can do this. I've done worse. But with each successive surgery, it gets a little harder. I know what I'm getting into.
Friday, February 23, 2007
3-Day excitement; off to Orcas
Last night's 3-Day party left me even more inspired. I think that a number of friends who were undecided before the event actually decided to walk after hearing more about it, and I'm THRILLED by this news. On an altruistic note, I'm excited about the commitment to bringing in $2200 per walker towards the cause; on a selfish note, I'm just looking forward to walking and training with these wonderful women. Girls, we are going to have some serious FUN!
Today we're rushing around like mad getting ready to go to Orcas with Marisa and Max. Our family loves spending time with Marisa, and Shep is particularily excited to get a doggy playdate that lasts all weekend. Marisa's cabin is a little slice of heaven on earth, and we've been there so many times that it feels a bit like home to us...we love it. The sun is shining, and we're ready to go!
Tessa has a cough, but I am crossing my fingers that we're through the worst of it and it doesn't put a damper on her weekend (or ours!).
Okay, off to throw clothes in a bag and hit the road. Have a great weekend!
Love,
Kristina
Today we're rushing around like mad getting ready to go to Orcas with Marisa and Max. Our family loves spending time with Marisa, and Shep is particularily excited to get a doggy playdate that lasts all weekend. Marisa's cabin is a little slice of heaven on earth, and we've been there so many times that it feels a bit like home to us...we love it. The sun is shining, and we're ready to go!
Tessa has a cough, but I am crossing my fingers that we're through the worst of it and it doesn't put a damper on her weekend (or ours!).
Okay, off to throw clothes in a bag and hit the road. Have a great weekend!
Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Excitement
I am starting to get really, really excited for the 3-Day. We are building a team of the most amazing people, and I am so honored to walk with these women. The team will be a mix of people returning from last year ("Team Kristina" members), friends who couldn't walk last year but are up for the challenge this year, friends of some of the other team members, and new survivor friends.
Right now, it looks like we will have perhaps five survivors on the team. When I look in these women's eyes, I see myself. They remind me why we're doing this.
We are going to kick some serious cancer a$$. I know that I'll go through the "how on earth will we ever do this" phase, but right now I'm in the "hmmm maybe more than 20 people will walk, and maybe we'll raise more than $60K this year...maybe I should shoot for $100K!" phase.
One day at a time. I'm just so delighted that so many friends have expressed an interest in doing this with me. I can't wait for the little party tomorrow. :-)
Kristina
Right now, it looks like we will have perhaps five survivors on the team. When I look in these women's eyes, I see myself. They remind me why we're doing this.
We are going to kick some serious cancer a$$. I know that I'll go through the "how on earth will we ever do this" phase, but right now I'm in the "hmmm maybe more than 20 people will walk, and maybe we'll raise more than $60K this year...maybe I should shoot for $100K!" phase.
One day at a time. I'm just so delighted that so many friends have expressed an interest in doing this with me. I can't wait for the little party tomorrow. :-)
Kristina
This week
Well, this week is going on at usual speed. Minor updates:
- Tessa has a cold. I've kept her from all kid-activities and the poor dear is dying to go hang out with her girlfriends...like mother like daughter on that one! Anyway, she's okay, but on Sunday she was up half of the night crying and coughing; nothing would soothe her. She's doing fine through the night now and it's settled into a "normal" cold; she is just coughing and sniffling during the day. No swimming lessons today because of that, and that makes her sad.
- I have committed to doing "I am the cure" with Komen. It was right for me. Twenty years from now, I'll look back at this time and know that I made a difference. The next six months will probably be crazy, but hey, it's me...so if it wasn't this, it would be something else! I know I'm spending my time on something valuable.
- Last night I went to a survivor's meeting at Gilda's Club, and I got a lot out of it. When I went over a year ago I just couldn't do it...other women's stories overwhelmed me. Now, I'm in a pretty good place, and hearing others actually helps me to deal with my own thoughts on recurrence etc. (Just so you know, that is ALWAYS in my head. I hear from other survivors that it will never go away. It's not a matter of having a good attitude, it's a matter of dealing with the facts, and being all too aware that recurrence is a regular part of this path for many women. I know several women in recurrence...it happens. The trick is to accept this possibility and not allow it to overwhelm me, and that's what talking about it does for me.) The women in the group are bright, articulate, brave, and strong, even when they are afraid. I will definitely go back. They meet monthly.
Tonight is my grandmother's 84th birthday party, and I'm looking forward to attending and celebrating her life with her and the rest of the family. Tomorrow is my wine, cheese and chocolate party (with the purpose of getting girlfriend time and talking about the 3-Day) and I'm looking forward to that quite a bit. But on that note...I'd better start cleaning my house. Time to run!
Love,
Kristina
- Tessa has a cold. I've kept her from all kid-activities and the poor dear is dying to go hang out with her girlfriends...like mother like daughter on that one! Anyway, she's okay, but on Sunday she was up half of the night crying and coughing; nothing would soothe her. She's doing fine through the night now and it's settled into a "normal" cold; she is just coughing and sniffling during the day. No swimming lessons today because of that, and that makes her sad.
- I have committed to doing "I am the cure" with Komen. It was right for me. Twenty years from now, I'll look back at this time and know that I made a difference. The next six months will probably be crazy, but hey, it's me...so if it wasn't this, it would be something else! I know I'm spending my time on something valuable.
- Last night I went to a survivor's meeting at Gilda's Club, and I got a lot out of it. When I went over a year ago I just couldn't do it...other women's stories overwhelmed me. Now, I'm in a pretty good place, and hearing others actually helps me to deal with my own thoughts on recurrence etc. (Just so you know, that is ALWAYS in my head. I hear from other survivors that it will never go away. It's not a matter of having a good attitude, it's a matter of dealing with the facts, and being all too aware that recurrence is a regular part of this path for many women. I know several women in recurrence...it happens. The trick is to accept this possibility and not allow it to overwhelm me, and that's what talking about it does for me.) The women in the group are bright, articulate, brave, and strong, even when they are afraid. I will definitely go back. They meet monthly.
Tonight is my grandmother's 84th birthday party, and I'm looking forward to attending and celebrating her life with her and the rest of the family. Tomorrow is my wine, cheese and chocolate party (with the purpose of getting girlfriend time and talking about the 3-Day) and I'm looking forward to that quite a bit. But on that note...I'd better start cleaning my house. Time to run!
Love,
Kristina
Monday, February 19, 2007
Okay maybe I should still do Herceptin?!
I'm confused...obviously!
I spoke to our insurance company today. Apparently they are only covering 90% of all Herceptin fees since July (when we switched companies) and the bill reflects the amount that is out of pocket until we hit our $2200 annual deductable.
This means that we owe $2200 from last year and haven't received that bill. We will also owe $2200 this year because I've continued Herceptin, but also because I'm slated for 2-3 more surgeries, and that will easily make me hit my out of pocket. Even if I quit Herceptin, I'd hit the $2200 deductable (which, by the way, I have no idea how we're going to pay) this year, and quitting Herceptin now wouldn't change that.
So, the money isn't part of the equation. It is a royal pain, but it's not part of the decision making process for Herceptin.
I now suspect that I will continue Herceptin through September, as planned. "Leave no stone unturned" is my motto. I know too many people dealing with recurrances right now to forget the message.
Yes, I know it sounds like I'm indecisive...but it's my blog, and I'm thinking it through...just that I have an audience!
Kristina
I spoke to our insurance company today. Apparently they are only covering 90% of all Herceptin fees since July (when we switched companies) and the bill reflects the amount that is out of pocket until we hit our $2200 annual deductable.
This means that we owe $2200 from last year and haven't received that bill. We will also owe $2200 this year because I've continued Herceptin, but also because I'm slated for 2-3 more surgeries, and that will easily make me hit my out of pocket. Even if I quit Herceptin, I'd hit the $2200 deductable (which, by the way, I have no idea how we're going to pay) this year, and quitting Herceptin now wouldn't change that.
So, the money isn't part of the equation. It is a royal pain, but it's not part of the decision making process for Herceptin.
I now suspect that I will continue Herceptin through September, as planned. "Leave no stone unturned" is my motto. I know too many people dealing with recurrances right now to forget the message.
Yes, I know it sounds like I'm indecisive...but it's my blog, and I'm thinking it through...just that I have an audience!
Kristina
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