Last night I dreamed that I went to the hospital for testing, and the scans all showed ten spots on my lungs. "I'm so sorry," the doctors said, "But it's advanced to stage IV." In my dream, I ran my fingers through my short hair, realizing that I would soon be bald. In my dream, I knew that my life would never be the same. In my dream, I was exhausted at the prospect of all I had to do.
I pray this was only a dream.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Fundraising
Today I sent out a big email to friends and family...and I'm hoping that some others will come here and see it, and consider making a donation to the Breast Cancer 3-Day.
-------------------
Friends and family,
It is no secret to any of you that I am walking the Breast Cancer 3-Day in a couple of weeks - I've been talking about it nonstop for some time now, getting ready emotionally and physically for the big event. Everything is almost in order: I have become physically able to walk that far (my first 20 mile walk was a resounding success), I have my lymphedema sleeve to war while walking so that my arm won't balloon up during the walk (yes, this is a treatment side effect), I have my amazing team of nine friends walking at my side, and, most importantly, together my team has raised $23,167.25 according to our team webpage
Team Kristina Page .
This is an amazing accomplishment, and one that we are all very, very proud of. The money goes primarily to research (through the Susan G. Komen and the National Philanthropic Trust), every dollar brings us one step closer to finding a cure. We aren't done yet, though, and hope to bring that number even higher.
Some things have changed since our team first decided to walk. The most depressing change is that the statistic "1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime" is no longer true: now it's 1 in 7. Think of the women you know, and mull that over. Who will it be? Worst of all, I think of the children that I know. How many of them will it be? It's unbearable.
I have been sliced (five surgeries so far, five more to go), poisoned (16 chemo treatments), and burned (33 radiation treatments, resulting in third degree burns) in an effort to rid my body of this disease... but I am not asking you to donate for me. I'm asking you to donate because I absolutely can not BEAR the idea of these treatments applied to Tessa, or to any of our children. I am asking you to donate so that we can find a cure in our children's lifetime. I'm certain that it's possible, but it's going to take money to fund the research that will change things for the better. I have come through this treatment year a warrior woman, stronger than I ever guessed possible and supported by world class amazing doctors, and yet I still live in fear of recurrance and mets, and in fear of the women I care about being diagnosed. I have already had one knock at the door: my neighbor, who is my age and has a three year old, was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, and she has stage IV breast cancer (in her liver and bones). Her pain is my pain, and it must be stopped.
The only thing I know how to do to make myself feel better is to fundraise to find a cure. We HAVE to find a cure. In the words of one of my survivor friends on the web, we must Kill the Beast.
This is the last email that I will send asking for your money for this event. I am truly grateful for any donation, small or large, as they all add up and DO make a difference.
You may donate by going to the website below:
Donate to Kristina's Breast Cancer 3-Day Efforts
and either donating online or printing a form to send in with a check.
Thank you for reading this, and for your donation.
Kristina
-------------------
Friends and family,
It is no secret to any of you that I am walking the Breast Cancer 3-Day in a couple of weeks - I've been talking about it nonstop for some time now, getting ready emotionally and physically for the big event. Everything is almost in order: I have become physically able to walk that far (my first 20 mile walk was a resounding success), I have my lymphedema sleeve to war while walking so that my arm won't balloon up during the walk (yes, this is a treatment side effect), I have my amazing team of nine friends walking at my side, and, most importantly, together my team has raised $23,167.25 according to our team webpage
Team Kristina Page .
This is an amazing accomplishment, and one that we are all very, very proud of. The money goes primarily to research (through the Susan G. Komen and the National Philanthropic Trust), every dollar brings us one step closer to finding a cure. We aren't done yet, though, and hope to bring that number even higher.
Some things have changed since our team first decided to walk. The most depressing change is that the statistic "1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime" is no longer true: now it's 1 in 7. Think of the women you know, and mull that over. Who will it be? Worst of all, I think of the children that I know. How many of them will it be? It's unbearable.
I have been sliced (five surgeries so far, five more to go), poisoned (16 chemo treatments), and burned (33 radiation treatments, resulting in third degree burns) in an effort to rid my body of this disease... but I am not asking you to donate for me. I'm asking you to donate because I absolutely can not BEAR the idea of these treatments applied to Tessa, or to any of our children. I am asking you to donate so that we can find a cure in our children's lifetime. I'm certain that it's possible, but it's going to take money to fund the research that will change things for the better. I have come through this treatment year a warrior woman, stronger than I ever guessed possible and supported by world class amazing doctors, and yet I still live in fear of recurrance and mets, and in fear of the women I care about being diagnosed. I have already had one knock at the door: my neighbor, who is my age and has a three year old, was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, and she has stage IV breast cancer (in her liver and bones). Her pain is my pain, and it must be stopped.
The only thing I know how to do to make myself feel better is to fundraise to find a cure. We HAVE to find a cure. In the words of one of my survivor friends on the web, we must Kill the Beast.
This is the last email that I will send asking for your money for this event. I am truly grateful for any donation, small or large, as they all add up and DO make a difference.
You may donate by going to the website below:
Donate to Kristina's Breast Cancer 3-Day Efforts
and either donating online or printing a form to send in with a check.
Thank you for reading this, and for your donation.
Kristina
Saturday, July 29, 2006
First 20 mile walk!
Today I walked 20.16 miles around West Seattle with a group of women all training for the 3-Day. Some were from my team, and others were from "Hiking for Hooters," and their team captain, Alex, organized and led the walk. I feel great - 7 hours of walking and I could have kept going, so that is a very good sign!
Alex gave me a special gift today. She told me that when we met at the FOCUS meeting for the first time, and I shared my story a bit (along with my reason for walking - my daughter: it's okay for me to do this, but NOT TESSA!), she said she felt very inspired and that she has been walking in my honor, and that she used my story in her fundraising letter. Alex has recruited 16 people to her team, and they've raised over $30,000 so far. I am deeply touched and grateful that I had a small part in this success. Alex has done the work, but I feel that my meaningless, awful cancer and treatment are more meaningful knowing that it has touched someone in this way.
Thank you, Alex.
Kristina
Alex gave me a special gift today. She told me that when we met at the FOCUS meeting for the first time, and I shared my story a bit (along with my reason for walking - my daughter: it's okay for me to do this, but NOT TESSA!), she said she felt very inspired and that she has been walking in my honor, and that she used my story in her fundraising letter. Alex has recruited 16 people to her team, and they've raised over $30,000 so far. I am deeply touched and grateful that I had a small part in this success. Alex has done the work, but I feel that my meaningless, awful cancer and treatment are more meaningful knowing that it has touched someone in this way.
Thank you, Alex.
Kristina
Friday, July 28, 2006
Much to think about
I haven't been posting here often because I am overwhelmed by trying to live my "real" and intended life, and I find myself running all over the place, very scattered, as I try to squeeze every drop out of living. It's an interesting dilemma: I am more determined than ever to live consciously, making all of my actions meaningful...but at the same time, I'm too busy living to find real balance or to sit back and reflect upon my experiences. I will get there, but not yet.
An update on my neighbor: she is a strong woman...would you believe that she actually brought us dinner this weekend (delicious Cajun BBQ pork)? She has a hard road ahead of her, and I hope to help her sometimes, and to be a shoulder for her to lean on... but I also have come to the realization that I can not immerse myself in her problems right now, because I simply do not have the energy to give. My strength comes from a deep well, but this is larger than I can handle, and I have backed off somewhat, and I'm not involved in her day-to-day treatment. I plan to call Mira soon, when I've caught my breath, but her diagnosis hit me harder than I would have imagined possible (after all, we don't know each other well) and I need to sort out my own head before I can help her further with hers.
I hate this disease.
In other ramblings...
I did my first 15+ mile training walk last weekend, and it went really well...I didn't even hurt the next day! Tomorrow I plan another, similarly distanced, walk, and I'm looking forward to it. The 3-Day is just weeks away (Aug. 25-27) and I'm really excited for it. I'm also going to be glad when it's over, because I've decided I'm not a walker...it's too inefficient for me! When I'm burning calories, I want to burn them faster. :-) I'm thinking of doing a 1/2 marathon next, but not as a fundraiser.
In fundraising/cancer awareness and prevention news, I'm pleased to say that my team has hit $22K in fundraising. HURRAH! Every dime helps. It might not help myself, Susan, Gretchen, Prema, Nicole, Jodi, Mira, or I....but it WILL help our daughters. I am convinced of this, and it drives me to keep working at it. To that end, Ryan and I intend to attend the Austin, TX Livestrong Summit in October, so that we can be trained as leaders and advocates for the cancer survivorship community. We must end this **** disease, and I mean business when I say that.
Tessa continues to delight me, and to amaze me with her "big girl" ways. She plays beautifully with other children, and is getting quite good at sharing and playing imaginatively with others. I love to watch her when she thinks I'm not around, to see how she interacts with another child, and to hear the stories they dream up together. These are good, good days.
Shep is a Wonderdog, and we're all more in love than ever. He follows me around, which amuses me, and he's getting our family out on walks (good boy!).
We are nearing the completion of a (for us) major house project: a new deck! As I type, my friend Kathleen and her friend Rob are putting up railings on our new deck, and I'm THRILLED with it, because I think it's beautiful. The rest of the summer will be spent enjoying it, and it should be around for MANY years to come. The old deck was rotten and ugly, and this new one, in addition to being safe (a major concern, and the driving factor in our replacement of the old deck) it's really pretty, and I'm a happy girl.
Love,
Kristina
An update on my neighbor: she is a strong woman...would you believe that she actually brought us dinner this weekend (delicious Cajun BBQ pork)? She has a hard road ahead of her, and I hope to help her sometimes, and to be a shoulder for her to lean on... but I also have come to the realization that I can not immerse myself in her problems right now, because I simply do not have the energy to give. My strength comes from a deep well, but this is larger than I can handle, and I have backed off somewhat, and I'm not involved in her day-to-day treatment. I plan to call Mira soon, when I've caught my breath, but her diagnosis hit me harder than I would have imagined possible (after all, we don't know each other well) and I need to sort out my own head before I can help her further with hers.
I hate this disease.
In other ramblings...
I did my first 15+ mile training walk last weekend, and it went really well...I didn't even hurt the next day! Tomorrow I plan another, similarly distanced, walk, and I'm looking forward to it. The 3-Day is just weeks away (Aug. 25-27) and I'm really excited for it. I'm also going to be glad when it's over, because I've decided I'm not a walker...it's too inefficient for me! When I'm burning calories, I want to burn them faster. :-) I'm thinking of doing a 1/2 marathon next, but not as a fundraiser.
In fundraising/cancer awareness and prevention news, I'm pleased to say that my team has hit $22K in fundraising. HURRAH! Every dime helps. It might not help myself, Susan, Gretchen, Prema, Nicole, Jodi, Mira, or I....but it WILL help our daughters. I am convinced of this, and it drives me to keep working at it. To that end, Ryan and I intend to attend the Austin, TX Livestrong Summit in October, so that we can be trained as leaders and advocates for the cancer survivorship community. We must end this **** disease, and I mean business when I say that.
Tessa continues to delight me, and to amaze me with her "big girl" ways. She plays beautifully with other children, and is getting quite good at sharing and playing imaginatively with others. I love to watch her when she thinks I'm not around, to see how she interacts with another child, and to hear the stories they dream up together. These are good, good days.
Shep is a Wonderdog, and we're all more in love than ever. He follows me around, which amuses me, and he's getting our family out on walks (good boy!).
We are nearing the completion of a (for us) major house project: a new deck! As I type, my friend Kathleen and her friend Rob are putting up railings on our new deck, and I'm THRILLED with it, because I think it's beautiful. The rest of the summer will be spent enjoying it, and it should be around for MANY years to come. The old deck was rotten and ugly, and this new one, in addition to being safe (a major concern, and the driving factor in our replacement of the old deck) it's really pretty, and I'm a happy girl.
Love,
Kristina
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Send me a letter!
Apparently, I can get letters at the 3-Day event. I would love to hear from you...even though the concept is a bit odd to me! Here's the instructions on how to send me a letter that I will receive on the Breast Cancer 3-Day:
Camp Post Office
Everyone loves to get mail - especially when it's a personal note from a friend or loved one. Let your friends and family know that they can send you personal greetings while you are on the Breast Cancer 3-Day. Ask them to mail their letters of encouragement to:
3-Day Camp Post Office - Seattle, WA
Attn: Kristina Surface
1200 W. 35th Ave Suite #360
Chicago, IL 60609
Your letters will be available for pick-up on-event at the 3-Day Camp Post Office, along with the letters you wrote to yourself at the 3-Day Kick-Off and Expo. The Camp Post Office is also where you can write and send free postcards to your friends, family and donors. Don't forget to bring their addresses with you to the event.
Important Notes:
All letters must be postmarked no later than 2 weeks out from the event.
The 3-Day location (city/state) and the participant name MUST be clearly marked in the address
No boxes/packages; envelopes only!
Letters will not be mailed to participants after the event. Any unclaimed letters will be disposed of.
Camp Post Office
Everyone loves to get mail - especially when it's a personal note from a friend or loved one. Let your friends and family know that they can send you personal greetings while you are on the Breast Cancer 3-Day. Ask them to mail their letters of encouragement to:
3-Day Camp Post Office - Seattle, WA
Attn: Kristina Surface
1200 W. 35th Ave Suite #360
Chicago, IL 60609
Your letters will be available for pick-up on-event at the 3-Day Camp Post Office, along with the letters you wrote to yourself at the 3-Day Kick-Off and Expo. The Camp Post Office is also where you can write and send free postcards to your friends, family and donors. Don't forget to bring their addresses with you to the event.
Important Notes:
All letters must be postmarked no later than 2 weeks out from the event.
The 3-Day location (city/state) and the participant name MUST be clearly marked in the address
No boxes/packages; envelopes only!
Letters will not be mailed to participants after the event. Any unclaimed letters will be disposed of.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Oh God, no, not another person!
Last week my neighbor came knocking on my door. I knew in an instant that something was terribly wrong, and it is. She had been diagnosed, the hour before, with breast cancer. She came to me for support, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my experiences and strength with her.
Yesterday, she found out that she has stage four breast cancer that has metastacized to her liver and bones. For information, try:
http://www.breastcancer.org/rcr_metas_idx.html
My neighbor has a three year old son. When I gave them the book "Sammy's Mommy Has Cancer" I thought my soul would implode and shatter; I remember all too well those early days. Indeed, I relate all too well to her story, to her fear, to her driving desire to live. The fear colors it all.
Please pray for me that I will know how to help her, and that I will be able to set boundaries so that I do not take on more than I can handle in helping her. Please pray for her, that the journey is tolerable and the cure in sight. Please help me remember that I am not necessarily destined to have her fate; that I have stage IIb cancer, and not stage IV.
I HATE THIS DISEASE. It must be stopped. I will help to stop it. My "Team Kristina" has raised over $20,000 so far, and it's going to help. I will not stop there. "We will fight them on the beaches..."
Today I have wondered if I will lose my mind from it all.
Love,
Kristina
Yesterday, she found out that she has stage four breast cancer that has metastacized to her liver and bones. For information, try:
http://www.breastcancer.org/rcr_metas_idx.html
My neighbor has a three year old son. When I gave them the book "Sammy's Mommy Has Cancer" I thought my soul would implode and shatter; I remember all too well those early days. Indeed, I relate all too well to her story, to her fear, to her driving desire to live. The fear colors it all.
Please pray for me that I will know how to help her, and that I will be able to set boundaries so that I do not take on more than I can handle in helping her. Please pray for her, that the journey is tolerable and the cure in sight. Please help me remember that I am not necessarily destined to have her fate; that I have stage IIb cancer, and not stage IV.
I HATE THIS DISEASE. It must be stopped. I will help to stop it. My "Team Kristina" has raised over $20,000 so far, and it's going to help. I will not stop there. "We will fight them on the beaches..."
Today I have wondered if I will lose my mind from it all.
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sharing poetry
KINDNESS
Naomi Shihab Nye, Palestinian Poet
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
and the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the windows forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Naomi Shihab Nye, Palestinian Poet
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
and the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the windows forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Potty trained!
Over a week ago, Tessa decided to wear big girl underwear....and just like that, she's potty trained! HURRAH! I'm so proud of her for figuring it out. I wonder if she was waiting for our lives to calm down, and now that I'm feeling healthy and Ryan's back at work, things felt normal enough for her to take on this new challenge? Or maybe it was just time. In any case, I'm thrilled.
We had some potty setbacks while camping, but now that we're home, everything is going as it should.
More updates later on life in general, our visit with Corina and family, our camping trip, and the rest.
Love,
Kristina
We had some potty setbacks while camping, but now that we're home, everything is going as it should.
More updates later on life in general, our visit with Corina and family, our camping trip, and the rest.
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Newness
Yesterday, Ryan started his new job, and he had a great first day: he likes his boss, he met lots of nice people, the work is looking interesting, he's got a tiny little laptop (easy to carry), and he even has a view of Alki and Puget Sound and the Olympics from his cubicle. When I met him after work, he had a great smile on his face, and that is the best.
And the commute....perfect! It's about a 20 minute bus ride, and he's in the hub of downtown. Last night my parents had Tessa (thank you Grammy & Grandpa!) and so I met Ryan downtown for a date night at Dahlia Lounge (Ryan walked from his office) and Paul, Libby, and Joy joined us there. It was VERY fun to be part of the urban downtown scene, and as Ryan was walking to the resturant he was scoping out all of the cool places we should go together (for happy hour or dinners or lunches). Ryan's got his cool Livestrong messenger/bike bag, and his nifty C&P coffee mug, and his new-smaller-sized work clothes, and he heads out early every morning so that he can get home in good time... and things look good. Very good!
And me? I'm trying to squeeze every drop out of life. Yesterday, we had PEPS at our house, and Tessa, Nina, and Anna all played together so well....and I got to catch up with some mommy friends. Then, Tessa and I rushed off to the club, and she and I went swimming together at the outdoor pool (heaven on a hot day!), and were joined by my mom. Then I rushed home to get ready for my date, and had said date in the evening. Now THIS is living! Today, I'm about to go for a long walk by myself (Ryan and I already took Shep for his walk together...he can't go too far yet), then I'm going to do housework (notice that I didn't mention any housework yesterday....this place is a wreck, and needs my time) before meeting Susan and Adrienne for coffee, and picking up Tessa, before coming home for a quiet evening. Tomorrow, I'm participating in a breast cancer study for a couple of hours in the morning, then packing up, and then in the evening Tessa & I will pick up Ryan at his office and head to Crystal Mountain, where we're joining our friends Katie, Mike, Jessie and Emma for a weekend at their cabin. HURRAH!
I am still, obviously, working on finding my routine; on getting all the things I need to get do done, on balancing the different parts of my life. But things are certainly moving in the right direction!
Love,
Kristina
And the commute....perfect! It's about a 20 minute bus ride, and he's in the hub of downtown. Last night my parents had Tessa (thank you Grammy & Grandpa!) and so I met Ryan downtown for a date night at Dahlia Lounge (Ryan walked from his office) and Paul, Libby, and Joy joined us there. It was VERY fun to be part of the urban downtown scene, and as Ryan was walking to the resturant he was scoping out all of the cool places we should go together (for happy hour or dinners or lunches). Ryan's got his cool Livestrong messenger/bike bag, and his nifty C&P coffee mug, and his new-smaller-sized work clothes, and he heads out early every morning so that he can get home in good time... and things look good. Very good!
And me? I'm trying to squeeze every drop out of life. Yesterday, we had PEPS at our house, and Tessa, Nina, and Anna all played together so well....and I got to catch up with some mommy friends. Then, Tessa and I rushed off to the club, and she and I went swimming together at the outdoor pool (heaven on a hot day!), and were joined by my mom. Then I rushed home to get ready for my date, and had said date in the evening. Now THIS is living! Today, I'm about to go for a long walk by myself (Ryan and I already took Shep for his walk together...he can't go too far yet), then I'm going to do housework (notice that I didn't mention any housework yesterday....this place is a wreck, and needs my time) before meeting Susan and Adrienne for coffee, and picking up Tessa, before coming home for a quiet evening. Tomorrow, I'm participating in a breast cancer study for a couple of hours in the morning, then packing up, and then in the evening Tessa & I will pick up Ryan at his office and head to Crystal Mountain, where we're joining our friends Katie, Mike, Jessie and Emma for a weekend at their cabin. HURRAH!
I am still, obviously, working on finding my routine; on getting all the things I need to get do done, on balancing the different parts of my life. But things are certainly moving in the right direction!
Love,
Kristina
Monday, June 26, 2006
Getting down to the business of living
I rarely find myself in front of my computer any more, as I am just so swamped with, well, everything. I'm occupied by the usual things (caring for Tessa, playdates, laundry, etc.) and the new addition of our puppy, but I'm also trying to squeeze in a year's worth of living into each day. I'm wearing Tessa out with this approach, which makes me smile - at the end of each day she is more than ready to go to bed! Yesterday, for example, we met Michele & Elliott at C&P for coffee and Shep's walk, then came back to crate Shep so that we could go on a 5 mile walk to Lincoln Park. At the mid-point of the walk, we stopped to let the kids play on the play structure for a while, and then came home. Once home, I quickly packed a picnic, and then Tessa, Shep and I were off to the club to have a picnic with my brother, SIL, and two nephews...along with their two dogs (they got a beautiful new puppy, Tigger). We played with the dogs and had lunch, and then the humans went swimming at the pool there. Then, rushing again, Tessa, Shep and I headed off to Edmonds for a girls' night with Libby and friends, stopping to pick up some dinner fixings at QFC (a giant salad - yummm - in this hot weather nothing sounded better to me). At 7:30pm we again made a dash for home, Shep whimpering because he wanted a walk, and Tessa falling asleep in the carseat. Once home, we got Tessa into her PJs & slippers, loaded her into the jogging stroller, and off we went around the neighborhood, exercising Shep and I and hoping that Tessa would be able to manage the lateness of the stroll. Then, Tessa tucked into bed, Shep into his crate, and I started unloading the day's debris: picnic supplies, wet swimsuits, etc. and preparing for the next day.
Every day sounds about like that, right now. I'm wearing myself out too but I don't care. It just feels so good to LIVE! I love being out in the sun, the joy of physical play, bonding with family and friends....it's lovely.
Ryan is in Bend, OR with Paul on their bike trip, and Ryan reports that it has been wonderful. I'm so glad that Ryan could get in some down time (times two - Cannon Beach with us, Bend with Paul) before the "real life" of the new job begins. We're all excited for the job, and I think that it will be great for Ryan, but of course we treasure vacation, as well, and it's healthy and healing to start such a prospect fully refreshed.
I am still working on what my real routine will look like in this new life we're fashioning. I know that each day must start and end with Shep's walk, that I want to get hours in at the Komen Foundation doing volunteer work, that my yard needs lots of TLC that I'd like to give, that I'm eager to help out friends now that I can. It is wonderful to receive, and I have received so much in the past year...but it feels even better to give. Hurrah for being able to do so! I'll find my rhythm soon enough, but right now I don't mind the craziness of going from place to place and packing so much into each day. THIS is living.
Love,
Kristina
Every day sounds about like that, right now. I'm wearing myself out too but I don't care. It just feels so good to LIVE! I love being out in the sun, the joy of physical play, bonding with family and friends....it's lovely.
Ryan is in Bend, OR with Paul on their bike trip, and Ryan reports that it has been wonderful. I'm so glad that Ryan could get in some down time (times two - Cannon Beach with us, Bend with Paul) before the "real life" of the new job begins. We're all excited for the job, and I think that it will be great for Ryan, but of course we treasure vacation, as well, and it's healthy and healing to start such a prospect fully refreshed.
I am still working on what my real routine will look like in this new life we're fashioning. I know that each day must start and end with Shep's walk, that I want to get hours in at the Komen Foundation doing volunteer work, that my yard needs lots of TLC that I'd like to give, that I'm eager to help out friends now that I can. It is wonderful to receive, and I have received so much in the past year...but it feels even better to give. Hurrah for being able to do so! I'll find my rhythm soon enough, but right now I don't mind the craziness of going from place to place and packing so much into each day. THIS is living.
Love,
Kristina
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Cannon Beach
Ahhh, Cannon Beach.
We got home this evening from our vacation at Cannon Beach, feeling much refreshed and more ready than ever to take the world by the tail (apologies to Shep & Mo!). There is something special about that place; it refreshes us, body and soul. I slept well, we played together (flying a kite, building a sand castle, romping in the sand, playing at the tidepools, hanging out at coffee shops, going for a walk/run - me - and a bike ride - Ryan, and much, much more). These few pictures capture only a bit of it, but I had to share.
I think you can see my weight loss in these pics, so finally, here are some pictures of me at a much smaller size than I used to be!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Race for the Cure/Cannon Beach
Today, I did Race for the Cure, and it was a great experience. There were more people than I could ever see at once: the event was held on the viaduct, and when I was at a high point, I couldn't see the end of the people ahead or behind me. It's powerful to think of how much money must have been raised to fight the cause, and how many people cared enough to spend their morning doing this event. We got pictures: one of Paul, Ryan, myself and (sleeping!) Tessa; another of Tessa and I with Gov. Christine Gregoire; several of Tessa with various mascots, etc. I'm glad I did this event, and hope to do it again next year....maybe with a big team!
Tomorrow, we leave for Cannon Beach, and I can't wait. We haven't taken more than a weekend to get away for a LONG time, and I'm really looking forward to the break. Shep will come with us, we'll stay in a little hotel (dog friendly), we'll play on the beach, we'll fly a kite together for the first time, we'll build sand castles, we'll drink coffee at our favorite Cannon Beach coffeehouse....bliss. The simple pleasures! We'll be back on Wednesday (although we might try to reschedule my Herceptin appointment to Thursday or Friday so that I could come home a day later. We will see!)
Love to all,
Kristina
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Shep update - nothing to worry about
Well, we took Shep in to the vet today, and we don't have any reason to be really concerned. It may be that he has kennel cough, but a perhaps even more likely scenerio is that his trachea is very sore from surgery (he would have had a tube down his throat) and combined with that he's been pulling at his leash and so the trachea might be extra irritated, and that could be the reason for the little cough. Also, he's on a new diet, in a new place, so he may have a bit of an upset tummy, leading to the lack of eating.
The cure? I'm currently cooking my dog's dinner! He will be dining on rice and chicken today, and it's simmering in the rice cooker as we speak. Hopefully this mild diet will help his tummy as he transitions to a healthy diet at our house, and he will return to his prior energy levels.
We think that Shep is starting to understand that he lives here, and he's getting more and more comfortable. He's not a big fan of the car yet (though he mellows as soon as he's loaded up), and we think that this is because every time he got in a car he got a new home...first one shelter, then another, then our house. We like to believe that he loves being with us, and the idea that we'd take him somewhere else makes him sad, so he doesn't want to get in the car. In any case, that's improving.
We have booked a trip to Cannon Beach (and we're staying at a hotel that allows dogs), leaving on Father's Day, returning Wednesday. This will be a GREAT time to take a break before Ryan begins his new job. Hooray!
Kristina
The cure? I'm currently cooking my dog's dinner! He will be dining on rice and chicken today, and it's simmering in the rice cooker as we speak. Hopefully this mild diet will help his tummy as he transitions to a healthy diet at our house, and he will return to his prior energy levels.
We think that Shep is starting to understand that he lives here, and he's getting more and more comfortable. He's not a big fan of the car yet (though he mellows as soon as he's loaded up), and we think that this is because every time he got in a car he got a new home...first one shelter, then another, then our house. We like to believe that he loves being with us, and the idea that we'd take him somewhere else makes him sad, so he doesn't want to get in the car. In any case, that's improving.
We have booked a trip to Cannon Beach (and we're staying at a hotel that allows dogs), leaving on Father's Day, returning Wednesday. This will be a GREAT time to take a break before Ryan begins his new job. Hooray!
Kristina
Sick puppy!
We think it's just kennel cough, but our little guy is really lethargic today and is refusing food (which, based on our short experience with him, is NOT his nature). We're going to go to the vet this morning to get him checked out and get some meds. I like how well behaved he is right now (sleeping on his little bed all day long) but I hate the fact that he obviously doesn't feel well.
I'm working on getting better pictures of Shep, but he's either so active that I can only get half of him in the picture as he runs out of the frame, or he's a blur, or (today) he's just so sorrowful looking. Just trust that he's WAY cuter in person than he is in these pics.
Love,
Kristina
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Great news
At long last, we have great news to announce.
In addition to falling ever deeper in love with our puppy Shep (he's fabulous!) - certainly a highlight this week, Ryan has accepted a job offer at PAR3 in Seattle. Ryan had the honor of receiving quite a bit of interest from a variety of companies, but the PAR3 offer was the most appealing, and Ryan is excited to begin in two weeks. We are ever so grateful to Randal for giving Ryan an internal recommendation, and to Marisa for pointing out that PAR3 might be a great place to apply.
Dare we think that our luck has changed? My recent good health, our lovely puppy, and Ryan's job seem to bode well for our futures. I am filled with optimism and hope.
In all of this good news, we also received some sad news. Today, my brother's puppy, adopted only 72 hours earlier, died. Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (fortunately, Josh is too young to be too affected) are devastated, and our hearts break for them, for we know what it is to love an animal. It's a strange world we live in: Ryan and I have light hearts because of all of the positive changes in our lives, and at the same time (initially unbeknownst to us) little Titan's passing was breaking the hearts of others.
We are trying to live each moment to the fullest. We never know where life will take us, or what surprise (good or bad) awaits us, so I'm living in the moment, trying to squeeze a lifetime worth's joy into each minute.
Love,
Kristina
In addition to falling ever deeper in love with our puppy Shep (he's fabulous!) - certainly a highlight this week, Ryan has accepted a job offer at PAR3 in Seattle. Ryan had the honor of receiving quite a bit of interest from a variety of companies, but the PAR3 offer was the most appealing, and Ryan is excited to begin in two weeks. We are ever so grateful to Randal for giving Ryan an internal recommendation, and to Marisa for pointing out that PAR3 might be a great place to apply.
Dare we think that our luck has changed? My recent good health, our lovely puppy, and Ryan's job seem to bode well for our futures. I am filled with optimism and hope.
In all of this good news, we also received some sad news. Today, my brother's puppy, adopted only 72 hours earlier, died. Mike, Krystal, and Caleb (fortunately, Josh is too young to be too affected) are devastated, and our hearts break for them, for we know what it is to love an animal. It's a strange world we live in: Ryan and I have light hearts because of all of the positive changes in our lives, and at the same time (initially unbeknownst to us) little Titan's passing was breaking the hearts of others.
We are trying to live each moment to the fullest. We never know where life will take us, or what surprise (good or bad) awaits us, so I'm living in the moment, trying to squeeze a lifetime worth's joy into each minute.
Love,
Kristina
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A boy and his dog
Ryan's never had a dog - but today his boyhood dreams came true! Today, Ryan met Shep for the first time. Our family had a wonderful time visiting with Shep, and we can't wait to get him home and REALLY get to know him.
Our list of doggy "to-do's" is growing. Secure laundry room, buy dog-guard for the Subaru, trim Mozart's toenails (Shep is sure to get a few warnings from Mo, and that's okay, but we don't want real damage to be inflicted!), figure out a way (and a place) to store the dogfood, read up on puppy training... These are tasks to be done with joy - no complaints from me!
Tomorrow morning I will do my first 10 mile walk. I'm nervous - wish me well!
Kristina
Thursday, June 08, 2006
SHEP!!!!!
Today, we found Shep! His picture, above, is from the Petfinder website, and there are a couple more pictures there, at Shep's page on Petfinder.
Unfortunately, the friend who will be helping us to train Shep is out of town, but I did as much temperment testing as my inexperience would allow (using a book called "Successful Dog Adoptions" and a very long phonecall with my brother, using the book HE has about temperment testing) and Shep passed with flying colors. He's a very active little guy, full of mischief, and I have a feeling that we will have some sleepless nights. However, he's gentle, not easily startled, and oh-so-affectionate. We are thrilled by this new member of our family.
Shep was not already "altered" (neutered) and his appointment is Monday; unfortunately, that means we can't take him home until Monday. However, he's ours: all the paperwork was filled out and the money was paid (a ridiculously low cost, I might add...!). We can't wait to get him home!
Love,
Kristina
Real Life
Slowly, I (we) are returning to real life, which, though not always easy, is so much better than cancer-patient life. Instead of spending hours every day feeling ill or running around to various doctors' offices, I am knee-deep in laundry, playdates, grocery lists, and dreams for the future. What was once mundane now feels pretty darn good - I don't mind the laundry because I can do it. I have time to dream, and the hope that my dreams will come true. Real life is not on hold...it is happening NOW.
Ryan is as busy, or busier, than I am. He has been receiving interview requests, and today has interviews with three companies (as I type this, he's en route from one company to the next!). Ryan is much like his old self, but better....he is very focused, and some company is going to be very grateful that they are the company to have snagged him. Of course, it's nerve wracking to go through the process (if only we knew the outcome!) but I am confident that soon he will be fully employed, and that part of normal will return to our family, as well....and then we'll complain about long hours and busy schedules, but it will be with smiles on our faces (I hope!).
We are also in dog mode. Today, for the first time in weeks, I found a dog on Petfinder.com that matches our criteria (black lab or black lab not mixed with pit bull, chow, rottweiler, a puppy younger than six months, and in the Seattle area), appropriately titled "Puppy Love." Will this be our dog? I don't know...but I hope to go to the shelter today to check it out! I have a book entitled "Successful Dog Adoptions" that I've read cover to cover, and it has information on temperment testing. I am hopeful...but not foolish, so if this isn't Shep, I will hold off until I meet Shep. (Should anyone be wondering, our most important criteria is that the dog not exhibit any aggressiveness, and be VERY child-friendly. Of course, we expect Shep to be the love of Tessa's childhood, but we also want to keep every child coming to our home safe. We will not adopt a dog with any aggressive tendencies, and we will take no risks.)
We are on the cusp of many good things.
I am training for the 3-Day and will do my first 10 mile walk this weekend; I'm nervous but excited for that. Our team has raised nearly $20,000 so far and I know that the money will keep coming in. I am SO PROUD of my friends for supporting this cause - together, we are making a HUGE difference. A cure by the time Tessa's a woman....now, that's not too much to ask, is it? (Well, I'll ask for one more thing, too: I want to be alive to see the cure!) The 3-Day, job, puppy, Tessa talking a mile a minute about all of the things that interest her, swimming at the club (Gold Creek), Tessa attending a ballet class with her friends at the YMCA locally (all those little girls in pink tutus is something to behold, and could melt the hardest heart), playing at the park, PEPS at our house, starting work on our garden (which is a mess!), enjoying the sunshine but not minding the rain, Ryan getting in bike rides and watching his times get faster as the hills get easier (hooray Weight Watchers!)....we're all trying to find our rhythm, trying to carve out a new version of normal that allows for the mundane (laundry) while focusing on the joy (puppies, beach picnics, splashing in the pool as a family).
I still don't make time to contemplate the past year. I can't let myself do it yet. There are parts of this year that make me feel physically sick to think about them, and that is not where I wish to be. I'm not in denial about it all, I'm just shelving it for a while. I'm allowing my body and soul to get a bit stronger, and to enjoy the flowers, the laughter of my daughter, my husband holding my hand, the prospect of hikes in the summer and camping with our dog....these, most certainly, are the finer things.
On my one year anniversary, I met with Dr. Okorn, the GP who originally examined my lump and sent me (the very next day) for a mammogram and ultrasound. It was a bit emotional to me to see her again, remembering the events of our last meeting, but I was glad to do it. That day, I reset the clock. I visited the doctor, same as a year before, but this year I had no symptoms to report, and instead was able to ask questions about avoiding osteoporosis and heart disease, what type of vitamins to take, how much calcium, etc. At the end of our meeting, Dr. Okorn said (and I quote) "You are the picture of health." Just thinking about it makes me tear up - ME, the picture of health! This is my new refrain, and it brings me joy....I repeat the words to myself daily. A picture of health. A picture of health. I am a picture of health.
And for those of you who want to know about the day to day...well, I've got a bit of a cold with laryngitis, but I don't care. I know what it means to be SICK, and this is a mere inconvenience (particularly irritating because I want to fly around doing things and I'm a bit tired, but there you have it). I'm anemic -a nd have been since during chemo - and taking iron supplements, but my doctor laughs that the world may not be ready for a version of me that has MORE energy because I really do feel energized. I'm keeping off the lost weight, which is good, because I've given away even more of my old clothes and if I gain weight I literally will not have a thing to wear. :-)
Portland with the PEPS ladies was incredible. Much laughter, some shopping, eating out, relaxing at the hotel, a long walk in the morning, times shared with my friends on the train ride....I could not have asked for more. Every new mother should have the opportunity to join PEPS - these women fill my heart with such joy, and the times we share together are really important to me. I started talking about what we'll be doing together in 30 years and Linda teared up, saying "That is what I want for me, and for my family...." and I couldn't agree more. I know how blessed I am.
And today, my mom has Tessa, as I sit here nervously awaiting news of Ryan's most recent interviews, and the world is well. Shep is out there somewhere (whether I'll meet him today or not), summer is around the corner, and I am LIVING. I wish to suck the marrow from life...and I'm trying my hardest to do that, whether it's feeling the joy of using basil I grew myself in a pasta dish I'm making, or admiring the old-fashioned roses in our garden, or listening to Tessa sing (never mind that she can't carry a tune...I think it's adorable!), or sharing lattes with Ryan in the morning. Life, with all of its ups and downs, is sweet. If nothing else, I've learned that, and I hope I never forget.
Love,
Kristina
Ryan is as busy, or busier, than I am. He has been receiving interview requests, and today has interviews with three companies (as I type this, he's en route from one company to the next!). Ryan is much like his old self, but better....he is very focused, and some company is going to be very grateful that they are the company to have snagged him. Of course, it's nerve wracking to go through the process (if only we knew the outcome!) but I am confident that soon he will be fully employed, and that part of normal will return to our family, as well....and then we'll complain about long hours and busy schedules, but it will be with smiles on our faces (I hope!).
We are also in dog mode. Today, for the first time in weeks, I found a dog on Petfinder.com that matches our criteria (black lab or black lab not mixed with pit bull, chow, rottweiler, a puppy younger than six months, and in the Seattle area), appropriately titled "Puppy Love." Will this be our dog? I don't know...but I hope to go to the shelter today to check it out! I have a book entitled "Successful Dog Adoptions" that I've read cover to cover, and it has information on temperment testing. I am hopeful...but not foolish, so if this isn't Shep, I will hold off until I meet Shep. (Should anyone be wondering, our most important criteria is that the dog not exhibit any aggressiveness, and be VERY child-friendly. Of course, we expect Shep to be the love of Tessa's childhood, but we also want to keep every child coming to our home safe. We will not adopt a dog with any aggressive tendencies, and we will take no risks.)
We are on the cusp of many good things.
I am training for the 3-Day and will do my first 10 mile walk this weekend; I'm nervous but excited for that. Our team has raised nearly $20,000 so far and I know that the money will keep coming in. I am SO PROUD of my friends for supporting this cause - together, we are making a HUGE difference. A cure by the time Tessa's a woman....now, that's not too much to ask, is it? (Well, I'll ask for one more thing, too: I want to be alive to see the cure!) The 3-Day, job, puppy, Tessa talking a mile a minute about all of the things that interest her, swimming at the club (Gold Creek), Tessa attending a ballet class with her friends at the YMCA locally (all those little girls in pink tutus is something to behold, and could melt the hardest heart), playing at the park, PEPS at our house, starting work on our garden (which is a mess!), enjoying the sunshine but not minding the rain, Ryan getting in bike rides and watching his times get faster as the hills get easier (hooray Weight Watchers!)....we're all trying to find our rhythm, trying to carve out a new version of normal that allows for the mundane (laundry) while focusing on the joy (puppies, beach picnics, splashing in the pool as a family).
I still don't make time to contemplate the past year. I can't let myself do it yet. There are parts of this year that make me feel physically sick to think about them, and that is not where I wish to be. I'm not in denial about it all, I'm just shelving it for a while. I'm allowing my body and soul to get a bit stronger, and to enjoy the flowers, the laughter of my daughter, my husband holding my hand, the prospect of hikes in the summer and camping with our dog....these, most certainly, are the finer things.
On my one year anniversary, I met with Dr. Okorn, the GP who originally examined my lump and sent me (the very next day) for a mammogram and ultrasound. It was a bit emotional to me to see her again, remembering the events of our last meeting, but I was glad to do it. That day, I reset the clock. I visited the doctor, same as a year before, but this year I had no symptoms to report, and instead was able to ask questions about avoiding osteoporosis and heart disease, what type of vitamins to take, how much calcium, etc. At the end of our meeting, Dr. Okorn said (and I quote) "You are the picture of health." Just thinking about it makes me tear up - ME, the picture of health! This is my new refrain, and it brings me joy....I repeat the words to myself daily. A picture of health. A picture of health. I am a picture of health.
And for those of you who want to know about the day to day...well, I've got a bit of a cold with laryngitis, but I don't care. I know what it means to be SICK, and this is a mere inconvenience (particularly irritating because I want to fly around doing things and I'm a bit tired, but there you have it). I'm anemic -a nd have been since during chemo - and taking iron supplements, but my doctor laughs that the world may not be ready for a version of me that has MORE energy because I really do feel energized. I'm keeping off the lost weight, which is good, because I've given away even more of my old clothes and if I gain weight I literally will not have a thing to wear. :-)
Portland with the PEPS ladies was incredible. Much laughter, some shopping, eating out, relaxing at the hotel, a long walk in the morning, times shared with my friends on the train ride....I could not have asked for more. Every new mother should have the opportunity to join PEPS - these women fill my heart with such joy, and the times we share together are really important to me. I started talking about what we'll be doing together in 30 years and Linda teared up, saying "That is what I want for me, and for my family...." and I couldn't agree more. I know how blessed I am.
And today, my mom has Tessa, as I sit here nervously awaiting news of Ryan's most recent interviews, and the world is well. Shep is out there somewhere (whether I'll meet him today or not), summer is around the corner, and I am LIVING. I wish to suck the marrow from life...and I'm trying my hardest to do that, whether it's feeling the joy of using basil I grew myself in a pasta dish I'm making, or admiring the old-fashioned roses in our garden, or listening to Tessa sing (never mind that she can't carry a tune...I think it's adorable!), or sharing lattes with Ryan in the morning. Life, with all of its ups and downs, is sweet. If nothing else, I've learned that, and I hope I never forget.
Love,
Kristina
Friday, June 02, 2006
One year and counting
June 1st was my one year survivorship anniversary, and I had planned to spend the day being meditative about it, and to write a long blog entry about my experiences. I didn't. I couldn't. Instead, I ran around like a madwoman, with chores, playdates, preschool, a doctor's appointment (an annual physical, nothing to do with cancer),and finally, a date with my family (dinner at my favorite resturant, La Rustica).
I still intend to think, to be introspective, and to contemplate the events of the past year, but right now I'm too busy living. I've felt pretty normal (not ill, or in major pain) for about a week and a half, and the idea that I will continue to get better for a few months makes me positively GIDDY. I'm trying to squeeze in a year of living into each day, and it doesn't leave a lot of time. I have things to say about the one year mark...but they must wait. The feelings won't go away; I won't forget.
Tomorrow, I'm getting on a train with my PEPS group friends, and we're headed to Portland. I've purchased shallow magazines (Glamour, Self, Vogue) to peruse on the train; I've got my water bottle, my umbrella, and my cute shoes. I've spent half the evening trying to decide what to wear. Tessa is absolutely fine with my absence, and happily tells friends that her mommy is going to Portland with some other mommies and that she's going to see the Mariner Moose with her Daddy. I have a light heart - time with friends, time away from Cancerville, and time to look to the future in an optimistic manner is EXACTLY what I need right now. I don't feel like being introspective, I feel like pushing behind the pain of the past year and ignoring it, at least for the moment.
Love,
Kristina
PS I was able to exercise 4 times this week so far. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO! I am serious about training for the 3-Day, and I'm baaa-aack!
PPS Caroline, I got your message but I've misplaced your number. Call me back, and leave a number! I'm home on Monday. It was great to hear from you.
I still intend to think, to be introspective, and to contemplate the events of the past year, but right now I'm too busy living. I've felt pretty normal (not ill, or in major pain) for about a week and a half, and the idea that I will continue to get better for a few months makes me positively GIDDY. I'm trying to squeeze in a year of living into each day, and it doesn't leave a lot of time. I have things to say about the one year mark...but they must wait. The feelings won't go away; I won't forget.
Tomorrow, I'm getting on a train with my PEPS group friends, and we're headed to Portland. I've purchased shallow magazines (Glamour, Self, Vogue) to peruse on the train; I've got my water bottle, my umbrella, and my cute shoes. I've spent half the evening trying to decide what to wear. Tessa is absolutely fine with my absence, and happily tells friends that her mommy is going to Portland with some other mommies and that she's going to see the Mariner Moose with her Daddy. I have a light heart - time with friends, time away from Cancerville, and time to look to the future in an optimistic manner is EXACTLY what I need right now. I don't feel like being introspective, I feel like pushing behind the pain of the past year and ignoring it, at least for the moment.
Love,
Kristina
PS I was able to exercise 4 times this week so far. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO! I am serious about training for the 3-Day, and I'm baaa-aack!
PPS Caroline, I got your message but I've misplaced your number. Call me back, and leave a number! I'm home on Monday. It was great to hear from you.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
A year ago today...
...I found a lump on my left breast. It felt firm and slightly flat, like a lima bean under my skin. I poked it and prodded it, because it wasn't there the month before, and I'd never felt it before, so I thought it would go away. Poking and prodding did nothing but make my skin red; the lump did not change.
Ryan came in just as I was laying in bed, poking and prodding, and I didn't say anything about it to him, convinced that when I woke up the lump would be gone. He asked me to go lay in the hammock with him, and so we went out and looked at the stars in the clear sky. (Perhaps todays rain showers and cloudy skies are a sign that the next year will be very different from the last year!)
I didn't understand then how much my life would change because of that little lump.
Love,
Kristina
Ryan came in just as I was laying in bed, poking and prodding, and I didn't say anything about it to him, convinced that when I woke up the lump would be gone. He asked me to go lay in the hammock with him, and so we went out and looked at the stars in the clear sky. (Perhaps todays rain showers and cloudy skies are a sign that the next year will be very different from the last year!)
I didn't understand then how much my life would change because of that little lump.
Love,
Kristina
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