Personal Economy

The economy is on everyone's lips these days. Companies are no longer matching 401(k)s, or there are layoffs, and the stock market is in the toilet, and there is a lot of fear around. Turn on the radio, open a newspaper, or just listen to people talking on the street, and the news isn't good.

Right now, the global economy isn't impacting us as much as some others. The rising costs of food (well documented in other places) are troublesome, and our food budget continues to rise even as I cut costs all over the place, because I become more committed each day to grass fed beef, free range organic poultry, and organic produce. We have some of the fear - if Ryan got laid off we'd be in trouble - but we are hopeful that we are in a good position right now. Ryan's job is going well, and the work isn't drying up. We are hopeful in that regard.

But right now, our finances are actually looking up.

If I talk to you in person, it won't seem like our finances are improving. Ask me if I want to go out for dinner, and I'll mumble something about not having enough money, or needing to go somewhere cheap. Our gift giving has fallen off to almost nothing. We're avoiding stores altogether when possible - I used to go to Target and Costco and the like almost every week, and now I rarely go. We quit the YMCA, despite their reasonable rates, solely to save money. We really are eating rice and beans (but we have fruit and veggies with them). I only rarely go out for coffee, but when I do, I often have a cup of drip instead of a more expensive latte, or I have tea. I like to invite people over for coffee at my house instead of meeting them for coffee at a local place. (I do still love our weekend trips to C&P, though.)

With all of this cutting back, I do feel some deprivation - don't get me wrong. I'd love some new Seven jeans; I want to fix our porch and put in something with slate and river rock and heavy wood; and I would really, really, really like to take a trip to somewhere warm with the family. And it's not going to happen, not for a long time.

BUT....

We're finally getting ahead. Finally.

We are committed to living within our means and getting out of debt. Facing the reality of the numbers was no fun at all (oh dear), and figuring out where to cut things out was even less fun. I will never enjoy the agony of grocery shopping as I try to come up with creative, interesting meals for the family that are gentle to the earth but also tasty....and don't cost much.

And after a few months of this, we're adjusting, and I can't believe it, but it's getting easier. We don't eat out much, and when we do, it's not a "oh I don't feel like cooking" it's a "let's meet friends and have a really wonderful time." I am spending more time reading and writing (loves of mine), and much more time on beaches (isn't that why we love West Seattle anyway?).

And every month, Ryan puts the new numbers - pay this much to this company, reduce the total this month - into a spreadsheet that he's made (it has lots of tabs and formulas; very nice work) and we watch the right numbers rise (emergency fund) and the right numbers fall (amount owed). In June, if we stay on track, we will be paid in full to the PolyClinic AND Swedish, and we will apply those amounts to the totals on our credit cards. We might be able to get totally out of debt by the end of 2010.

So, for the next two years, things will be tight, but I've decided I don't care. I want to get these debts off our backs so that we can kiss them goodbye forever. If we did, we'd feel so much more relaxed....and as we write these checks and send them off each month, I think "wow if we didn't have debt that would be money for us to keep!" and I look forward to 2011 when we'll get to keep that money for ourselves to invest or spend.

And we're not exactly hard done by. Here we are, with a decent car (not fancy, not worth much, but does the job), a lovely home, comfortable furniture, a kitchen filled with the tools of the trade, bicycles, toys, iPods, computers, music, candles, books (LOTS of books). We're being more creative with how we spend our free time. We make popcorn*, we get movies from the library, we take the bus downtown and go to the market, we go to the Seattle Art Museum. We have play dates, we go to Lincoln Park. Tessa still gets to ride on horses.

So we're determined to stay on track. Little by little, we are making progress, and I'm proud of us. Upward and onward.

I am jumping off the American bandwagon of "more more more stuff." I want "more more more" it's true, but I want free time, happiness, peace, relaxation, better world. It's great to be comfortable, and I'm not giving up my life for an adherence to poverty (I'm not giving up my iPod, I love my GoreTex coat, and I do enjoy nice things). But I'm really happy to be out of the mall.....and I'm not missing it at all.

For those who are considering making some financial changes in their own lives, I'll mention that we're following Dave Ramsey's "debt snowball" program. Dave Ramsey can drive me nuts - he's a bit high on himself and I don't agree 100% with everything he says - but his basic advice is excellent....and it's working. He has a podcast that you can download (which I listen to because it helps me to stay on track and focused), and books that are available on his website or from the library. He's on the radio, too, and he does seminars around the country.

* Popcorn: I read about microwave popcorn and how people working in those factories were getting horrible diseases and cancers from inhaling the fake butter, and I promptly threw out the popcorn in our house. However, I have an easy solution! For those who don't have popcorn poppers and don't want to do the stovetop method, try this: put 1/4 cup of popcorn (from your bulk section!) in a paper bag, and tape it shut. Put this in the microwave and pop until you can't hear it any more. Viola - microwave popcorn with MUCH less packaging, and it tastes good

PS Here are two pictures from a recent (Monday) family day. The weather was nice, Tessa had an in-service day and Ryan had the day off, so the three of us took Shep on the bus and went downtown to visit the Olympic Sculpture Park (dogs allowed on leash). We walked through town, we had lunch in the market (Piroshky Piroshky for me; Le Panier for Ryan and Tessa. We sat outside with Shep, sitting on the curb in the sunshine, watching the market bustle as we ate.). We picked up some veggies for dinner while at the market. It was a lovely day, unrushed, relaxing, fun.....and CHEAP. I recommend it highly!

Tessa's birthday

First, I just have to say that I haven't done all of my Christmas thank you cards, and now I'm behind on birthday ones, too. Hold on, friends. Don't give up on me. My intentions are good and I will get to it.....really!

But I know you all want to see pictures of one six year old child with big blue eyes, so here you go.

Green and Easy

Sometimes being green (environmentally conscious, practicing sustainable living) is hard. Really, I admit this. If it was totally a cakewalk we wouldn't be so messed up.

However....

There are some things that are really, really easy. They don't cost extra, they're not inconvenient. You don't have to change your whole life to live this way...you just need to grab this, and not that.

Some examples:
- Choose glass over plastic. The honey or maple syrup in the glass bottle instead of the plastic one, for example.

- Buy powdered laundry and dishwasher detergent instead of liquid. I don't know if the chemical content is any different, but the packaging is. The cardboard box takes fewer, and less toxic, resources to make, and is less toxic to the planet. (Of course, I also suggest eco-friendly brands like Method or Ecover or Trader Joe's Next to Godliness or Seventh Generation, but I admit they are often more expensive.)

- Use bar soap instead of liquid. Liquid soap comes in plastic containers that get thrown out; bar soap comes in a little paper wrapper. Plus, bar soap is cheaper.

- Use CFL lightbulbs instead of regular. (You've heard this before. It's still true.)

- Stop. Buying. Bottled. Water. Really. Right now. Just decide to stop.

- Bring your own coffee cup. This will save you a few cents per cup as most shops give you a discount, but even better it saves some more junk from going in a landfill. If you forget your cup and need one, try a "for here" in a ceramic cup. If you have to go, try it without a (plastic) lid, as the cup itself decomposes much better than the lid.

- Give up straws. More plastic. You don't drink out of straws at home, do you? No need to do so when you're out.

- Use rags instead of paper towels. Don't have any rags? Well, look in your bottom drawer; the one with the t-shirts you never wear. See that one with a small stain that you'll never wear again? Voila - four rags.

- Use a real mop and real broom instead of disposable substitutes.

- Choose snacks with little packaging. A piece of cheese instead of string cheese. A handful of nuts from a bigger container. Fruit. If it comes wrapped in fancy plastic it's probably not good for you anyway.

- Use half the amount of shampoo and/or conditioner that you usually use. Shockingly (to me), it didn't make one bit of difference on my hair. This means less overall consumption, and only half the wasted bottles in landfills.

- Vinegar and baking soda for cleaning. My sink has never been shinier.

- Read the newspaper online - no waste. (And no cost.)

- The library. Only buy those books you want to reference, read again, or share with friends.

- Stop using paper napkins. Cloth ones are easy, often go on sale.

- Shop your local thrift stores when you need household items like platters, picture frames, pots and pans, etc. (I love to find old china teacups for a bargain, too.) Bargains, they often support a cause (in West Seattle one supports the ACS and the other supports the senior center), and they prevent things from going into landfills. Even more importantly, they prevent items from being produced with more packaging and waste.

- Carry your own bag with you. Chico Bags is Ryan's favorite (solid colors), mine is Envirosax (cute patterns). My Envirosax bag has been used daily for at least 6-9 months and still looks great. But my guess is that you have a bag at home you could use without going out and buying one.

Not one of these things is difficult, time consuming, or expensive. Not one. And you don't have to adopt all of these changes to make a difference - just pick one or two if the whole list is overwhelming to you.

Little changes add up. None of these items, individually, makes a huge difference. But they add up, and as more and more people start to follow these no-nonsense ways to go green, it WILL make a difference.

And then you can join me in making your own granola and bread, learning about compost, canning tomatoes, and walking everywhere possible..... But I'll wait for you if you're not ready!

checking in

All is well - despite some big time fatigue. Tessa's birthday came and went, and it was a lovely success. A sleepover where she stayed up til midnight, horseback riding, and lots of cake.

I missed Melissa and Ross's shower, and I'm sad about that, but I couldn't fit it in with the birthday craziness. Ugh!

Anyway, just touching base to say that all is well, just overly busy. I'll update something more later.

xoxo

This is my President

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/us/politics/20obama.html?_r=1&nl=pol&emc=pola1

This is the man who will become my President tomorrow, and I have so much hope in his term as such. (And I'm already hoping for a second term, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Let's work on THIS term first!)

I believe that not only will President Obama do good work himself, but he will encourage Americans to do their own good work. I believe that he's going to set an example of leadership that reminds us of moderation rather than conspicuous consumption, and that he helps our communities to work together and within.

Tessa and I are waiting for some chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven, and then we're going to take them to Family Promise. If I was homeless, one of the zillion things that I'd miss would be hot, home-made cookies, fresh from the oven. We're baking half of them and delivering them warm; the other half, we're bringing dough, so the kids can bake them at the church shelter tonight. (All of the participating churches have kitchens, I believe.) We don't have money to donate right now, but we have some unneeded items that the shelter is in need of, so we'll deliver those as well. We'll hang out with the families to visit, too.

This is Obama's challenge to us today: go out and do some community service. My own contribution is tiny, but it's more than I would have done if Obama hadn't inspired me to do this little extra bit today.

What will you do today? And tomorrow? And next week? Can you do it? YES WE CAN!

Running

Note to self: After months of being sedentary, and a week after surgery, running a couple of miles and walking all over with an excitable 80 pound dog is, umm, a recipe for sore muscles. Perhaps a little moderation might be in order next time?

Well, moderation or not, I'm feeling so much better now that I'm practically giddy. There is nothing like feeling like hell to remind a person just how good it is to feel normal. No pain when I breathe in, no back clenching between my shoulderblades, no mental shadows of impending doom with upcoming surgeries.

Just a body that is adjusting, nice soft breasts that don't wake me up at night (try sleeping with baseballs in your bed, and you get the idea....roll over on them and they wake you up). These are not noticeable.

Wow.

So today I did a lot of normal things. Drank coffee with the family, made oatmeal with berries and yogurt for breakfast, went to church, had lunch with friends, took Tessa and Shep to the park and the beach. (Ryan had to work this afternoon, but at least we got a half day with him.) We ran an errand to the grocery store after the park, and when we got home I put in a loaf of bread to bake, made a batch of granola, did a load of laundry, swept, tided, and made dinner (dover sole piccata style, with broccoli and a not-so-great boxed risotto from Trader Joe's). Played with Tessa throughout. Read her a really long story called "If a Bus Could Talk" about Rosa Parks and MLK, Jr. and the brave people who have helped to integrate this country.

Nothing spectacular in that whole list. Nothing unusual. But it's so NORMAL that I just revel in it. Listening to "This I Believe" on NPR while making coffee is a TREAT when my body doesn't hurt. Running after Tessa and Shep is a treat when my body lets me do it. (For the sake of gratitude, I will not focus on how much my quads hurt when we went down the long steps from the top of the park to the beach. That pain was self-inflicted from running, nothing to do with surgery or breast cancer.)

And my mind is all over the place - still fuzzy from anesthesia (really, could someone PLEASE research the cognitive affects of anesthesia? I know I'm not imagining this) but recovering. I'm thinking about how to build a chicken coop and raise chickens, where the garden should go and how much bigger it should become, how to really get the Hunts Point book moving forward, when to schedule my runs (early morning...oh dear), etc.

So I'm running, literally and figuratively. I get out of breath but I know I can do this. Time to create my training plan; time to figure out who to be and what to do with my life!

This oughtta be good.

On/off switch

I am certain that somewhere inside me there is a switch with only the on and off positions.

Yesterday morning I felt horrible, and then through the day, it got much better.

This morning, I woke up thinking, "hey, I feel pretty good!" I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment, he declared things a success (I agree!), and told me that he was lifting all restrictions, just to leave out heavy upper body exercise for another week. Go for a run, resume your life, have fun.

This afternoon I went for a run. I only ran part of the way, walking all the way back, but Shep and I went down to Lowman Beach Park and through Lincoln Park to the pool point before returning home.

I'm creating lists of all of the things I'm behind on, determined to catch up: phone calls, email, church stuff, Tessa's school paperwork, thank you cards (so many!), planning Tessa's birthday, catching up with friends, and way too much housework. Oh, and a family meal together tonight.

But I'm also trying to live in the moment. This is it. This is the moment I have been waiting so long for. No more horrible surgeries ahead of me, no more awful recoveries, no more anesthesia. I have some small stuff that can be done to improve my cosmetic outcome when I'm ready, but I'm not ready and I may never be ready and I can live with what I've got.

If I give you a hug, I will not feel rocks smashing into my chest as I do so (and nor will you!). I don't feel like I'm wearing a too-small lifejacket. My back doesn't hurt so much.

And I'm just getting started.

Today I'm not asking "What if." I'm tired of the what if's - enough already. I'm too exhausted just thinking of them, so I'm dismissing them. Healthy denial.

This is the moment. What is that I will do with my one wild and precious life?

----------------
The Summer Day
Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Coming back

This morning I woke up feeling pretty much like the night before.

Some time between then and now I started to feel good. Oh HALLELUJAH! I can hardly believe it - I feel so much more human and hopeful.

Even though I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment, and realized that it's TOMORROW. Duh. But since I found myself parked on Broadway, I decided to pop into Gilda's club to see what they had to offer (free yoga for cancer survivors and friends - intriguing!), and then I took a walk up Broadway while I listened to my iPod. I moved slowly, so much more slowly than usual, but I walked a few blocks. I bought myself a cute hat from a store far trendier than I am. I nursed my coffee from home, then refilled it at Tully's. I came home across the bridge, and Heather called, and we met for lunch. I went to the thrift store in the Junction and got myself a new watch to replace the one that had mysteriously disappeared. I felt proud of myself for going second hand when I could have bought a new one, but this means less production, less driving around for me, keeping something out of a landfill, helping the American Cancer Society (the store is a nonprofit run by volunteers).....very satisfying.

So my energy is higher than it's been in at least a week.

Ahhhh, it's good to return.

PS I know, don't overdo it. I know.

Looking forward

Grumpy as I am, I'm filled with ideas about the future.

Tonight I'm thinking about chickens, and gardens.

I think I have a better idea about chickens, and what they need, and how to put together a coop. I think that perhaps April or May will be chicken season. I've been reading books at the library, with more coming, about how to raise chickens. I don't know what breeds I want yet, but I'm looking for breeds good for beginners, good layers, gentle dispositions. And I'd love blue eggs. Anybody have ideas? We will get three chickens, perhaps all different breeds, so that I can have baskets of multicolored eggs and not just at Easter. I've been learning pros and cons of different types of bedding, how to harvest and use the manure as fertilizer, etc.

And I'm dreaming of the second season of my garden. I want to build cloches so that I can have lettuce and spinach and kale and chard more year round. I want way more garlic because five heads didn't last me long at all (especially because they were small). I'll double the strawberry patch because we can never have enough strawberries, and I think we'll add raspberry vines this year in the side yard. I never did plant rhubarb last year, and that will be good, too. Tons of sugar snap peas, lots of radishes, and at least three times the quantity of carrots. And potatoes in the raised bed (just read an article about that). Way more onions than before. And green beans, too.

And oh those beautiful tomatoes. Lots and lots and LOTS of tomatoes.

Vermicompost, regular compost, chicken manure. We'll do it organically, on our little plot of yard near the city, and when I make a salad with things from my garden I will know that it's a good day.

Living in the moment

Okay, living in the moment, being present with life, feeling the power of "now," all of these things are worthy goals, and I am constantly trying to attain them.

But the problem is that the moment I'm in isn't the greatest, and I really just wish it would pass. I feel uncomfortable in my body, I feel muddled from oxycodone (I took one yesterday evening again...sigh), I just feel out of sorts.

I'm dreaming of a world in which I run marathons, write the Hunts Point book, volunteer in Tessa's classroom, have friends over to dinner, walk the dog, read interesting novels, write thank you cards, play with Tessa on the beach.

And instead I'm just here, at home, in my bathrobe, feeling muddled and saddened by the muddled feelings.

Sigh.

Is it a case of "rest and heal" or "get off your sorry a** and get on with it!"? I haven't got it figured out. I'm not used to this version of myself.

Impatient impatient impatient

I have done nothing today. NOTHING.

And so how come I don't feel more energized?!!!!!!!

Adjustments

So yesterday morning I was on top of the world and ready to prove it; yesterday afternoon I hit the wall (couch).

This morning I still feel tired and not refreshed - arghhhhhhh! I changed the day around, so I canceled attending covenant group, I called my mom and asked her to come over this afternoon after Tessa's off school, and I had Ryan drive Tessa and Pascal to school (it was my day to carpool).

I am tired, and annoyed, by all of this. I'm trying to be my new, improved self and instead I am a patient, and an impatient one at that.

Adding insult to injury for all of this is that I am "supposed" to be fully operational at this point (just modified activities in terms of weight and exercise restrictions). An exchange surgery is "no big deal" for many girls. I'm used to being the super-healer, and I don't like being the slow girl. I don't like it at all.

In my own defense, I think it's a lot harder for the body to heal from surgery #10 than it is from surgery #1. And in addition to the exchange, the doc had to remove an awful lot of scar tissue and encapsulation, and that is painful stuff...much more than the "standard" I believe.

My body is just beat up. And I'm feeling it.

So today, my goal is to have a shower. To change my clothes. Now isn't that exciting....argh. Maybe if I'm quiet all day, tomorrow I'll feel a surge of energy that will stick around.

I'm waiting.

Slow

This morning I felt like a new woman. To prove it, I took Shep for a walk.

By 2pm I was well aware that I was an old woman, not a new one. A couple of calls, and Tessa's care had been set up, and I took an oxycodone and hit the couch.

Tomorrow will be another day.

On a totally different note - I'm researching alternative areola tattoos; I am thinking of getting a flower in place of what is traditionally there. I don't want nipples any more - I'm just too tired of surgery to even try. And if it's not goign to look real, I wonder if maybe a flower would be better.

Anyone have websites to show me, or any survivors out there have pictures to send?

gearing up to real life

Tomorrow I will attempt real life, with carpooling, lunch-packing, laundry, and the rest.

I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight!

Baby steps

This morning, I laid in the guest bed reading "Runner's World" magazine. (I was particularly struck by a story of friends who ran together, sharing life's highs and lows and they put in the miles together.)

And then I decided that I was sick of laying in bed, and it was time to get moving. So I got up, poured myself a bowl of home-made granola (man I love that stuff), checked email, and stripped the guest bed. I put the sheets in the wash, moved my reading materials upstairs, and then decided that the kitchen sink was a frightening shade of gray, so I scrubbed it back to pearly white.

Of course, now I'm exhausted. But that's okay. Yesterday I couldn't have accomplished this much, and it's that I'm reminding myself. Baby steps are okay.

Maybe tomorrow I'll even go outside. It'll be a while before I'm logging miles, but I'm feeling very inspired to do so.

Baby steps.

dreaming

I am dreaming of a world where surgery is not hanging over me.

Is it really possible that I've arrived in that world? That all I need to do now is heal, and then I can go about my life? That I can train for runs, that my back won't hurt from having expanders stitched to my muscles, that I can just move forward?

WOW.

It's sinking in that this may be my new reality, and I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me.

Back to the right direction

I feel SO much better today. Impatient to do the many things I wish to do, and feeling pretty good.

Phew.

Downhill is the wrong direction

This morning I felt great. I had a reiki treatment and I felt practically euphoric that things were going so well.

But this afternoon I got a headache, and it's horrible, and it's making it hard to think. My parents came over and were excited to tell us about their day with Tessa and all I could say was "Could youp lease speak more softly?"

Ugh. I'm back on oxycodone and trying to make the head feel less lethal. Bahhhh.

I want to be a runner. I'm in our guest room, comfortable in bed....but I'd rather be nursing sore muscles from being in the garden or going for a run or just about anything else.

My foob strap - designed to physically push down on my left foob and keep it from heading towards my chin again - dug into my skin and left red gashes. Ouch. So now it's on the outside of my clothes.....what a fashion statement.

It's hard to be up when I feel so crummy.

But I am still grateful for the help of so many people - dog walkers, meal-deliverers, and the rest.

But the headache.....ouch.

Heavy exercise

Today I did my first major workout since surgery.

I had a shower and changed my clothes, that is.

And now I'm wiped.

healing

Healing is tiring....but I do feel that I'm healing. My chest aches in all of the obvious places, and my eye feels like I want to rub it but if (in my sleepy state) I accidently do so, I realize what a mistake that is immediately. Ouch!

Reiki is good. Caring friends are good. Mom's company is good. Our "new" sofa is good for lying on and watching HGTV.

I am still in my bathrobe and PJs and have no intention of changing any time today.

The first half of today was a breeze; the second half was harder. Tomorrow will be better, I think.

Better than expected

Wow.

I had been so freaked out about this surgery, so overwhelmed by it, that I almost completely forgot that good things can come out of it.

My foobs (fake+boobs=foobs) are soft. Blissfully soft! When I hug someone, they will cushion the hug, rather than banging into me and the hug-ee. They are SO much more normal in shape, and in position, that at the moment they are far exceeding my expectations.

I am wearing a giant strap around the top of the foobs to keep the left one from migrating upwards - again. I've had it corrected several times now, and so I know not to expect that it will stay in place....but I'm hopeful. So very hopeful....I just want this to be done. The strap will be uncomfortable over time - it's a two week prescription for wearing it - but tonight, on pain meds, it's not bothering me too much.

I need to call Adrienne and get on my physical therapy schedule, because I MUST prevent more scar tissue from limiting my range of motion. I must. This is the only hope, and now is the time.

I've been awake all afternoon. As the first pain meds wore off, I was definitely aware of it, so I'm staying on top of them (next ones at 10pm). But it's much less uncomfortable/painful than previous surgeries.

My throat is sore from being dry from oxygen etc - they said that they wouldn't use a tube but it definitely feels like they did.

My eye is actually the most painful part, where they removed the keloid scar.

But I can deal with all fo this.

Because now, I'm working on healing. I want to start being good and kind to my body - I want to run, I want to eat well, and I don't have to dread surgery and the dreadful plummet any more. I think I just might be done.

I can not express enough gratitude for the support I've received. Ryan adn Susan took the day off work and spent time with me, Beth watched Tessa and fed Ryan and Tessa, Ruth delivered a meal that fed Susan and I, Sue organized meals, and Sharon gave me a reiki treatment to go in strong (I really think it made a huge difference - wow). I got flowers from Mom & Dad S., and many calls from Mum & Dad, and phone messages and Facebook messages and emails from so many. I am very lucky, and grateful. Thank you.

And yes, I'm a little drugged up here, so it is what it is. But I go to bed tonight, hopeful.

Home and okay

Hello, everyone.

The surgery went well, and I'm okay, and now I'm at home. Susan & Ryan are taking care of me, and I am SO GLAD to have this behind me.

Thank you for your continued well wishes. Now my oxycodone and I are going to take a nice nap. :-)

xoxo
Kristina

Almost time

It's nearly time.

Soon, I'll get a second reiki treatment, hopefully putting me in a state of relaxation. Then, I'll leave (with Ryan) to go to the hospital.

Granola is in the oven, bread is in the machine, the sheets on all three beds are changed. I have a tray with a water pitcher and a glass awaiting me. Mom has instructions on how to make Tessa's lunch and breakfast tomorrow.

I'm as ready as I'll ever be....

Sighhhhhhhhhhh

I'm a nervous wreck over here. Can I just be DONE already?

I'm being a bigger baby for surgery #10 than I was for surgery #1 (which, I shouldn't have to point out, was a mastectomy, not "merely" reconstruction and corrections).

Wahhhhhh.

Not me

I'm sure that there are women all over breast cancer world who prepare for their tenth surgery since diagnosis by cleaning their homes, stocking their fridges full of food, writing thoughtful notes to friends, and walking the dog even though it's raining.

It turns out that I am not one of those people.

I spent the day having the wonderful distraction of going to SAM with Laurie to relax, and having lunch there. When I got home I remembered some books that I wanted to place on hold for the library, so I did that. I will get to the grocery store soon, I'm sure.

But I'm sad, and feeling confused, and not myself. I know I would feel so much better if I got some things done - heck, I haven't even put the sheets back on the bed yet! - but I feel a little lost as I mentally prepare for this surgery. I know what to do but I'm just feeling lost and unable.

Because it's not a big deal...right? I'll be okay....right? My family will be fine, right? And I'll heal okay? And I won't have a breakdown.....please?

Sigh. So much for getting easier over time.

By this time tomorrow I should be on my way home, done with the cutting part.

Gifts

This morning, I had my first reiki session - a gift from a fellow UU. It was relaxing, and if it helps me to heal, then it's the best gift in the world. The "prescription" is four sessions the week of surgery, so we'll be doing it again soon.

I'm also setting up Tessa's birthday. This year, in lieu of a party, we are going to spend a day with horses. (Shhhh - don't tell her, it's a surprise!) We were sort of debating what kind of party, how many people, where, what activities....and it was all too much. So, for the first time, we're just going to keep it simple. Tessa's friend Anna will spend the night, and in the morning we are going to head to Christine's to spend the day with her....and her horses. For the first time, Tessa will get to groom a horse, and she'll also get to ride, etc. I'll pack a picnic, and I think it will be incredibly fun. It's simple, but I think it'll fulfill one of Tessa's deepest wishes - and that is the best.

I have also been blessed to have friends call and set up childcare, dinners, and the like for my recovery after surgery. I am so thankful to have these people in my life.

Still behind on my to-do list....still trying. Better get back to it! It wouldn't surprise me if we lost power today, because the wind is whipping around outside. Fingers crossed that when it starts raining (we're expecting several inches, according to the forecast) our basement doesn't flood like it did last year. I did seal the concrete, but fingers are crossed that it did the trick....

No instant results

I weighed myself this morning. Nothing had budged. If anything, it looked like things went UP a pound. GRRRR! I ate 23 points yesterday, so I'm still on track, and I'm determined to see it through.

Doing chores at home this morning, then walk the dog (and get my own exercise in the process), and then work on the book this afternoon before picking up Tessa.

By the way, it looked like a winter wonderland when I went to bed last night, but now there's just some slush all over the place. It's relatively warm out and everything is melting away.

Please don't say that

A telephone solicitor from the Democratic National Committee called. Blah blah blah please donate.

I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a breast cancer survivor and all of our money is going to fight breast cancer right now."

The solicitor did not take the hint - subtle as a brick - and kept going.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Please know that the DNC is doing everything possible to work on legislation for terminal patients such as yourself."

YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!

I was too horrified - and stung - to spit out a retort.

Solstice Play, Snow, and Stuff

The "solstice" play "Animals in Winter" was presented at church today, and it was a roaring success. LOTS of people participated, and there was giggling, and everyone seemed to have a good time. If they learned a little about migration, adaptation, and the like, then all the better...I'm just glad it wasn't a huge flop.

I'm in a bit of a confused state as we begin the week. Tessa back to school, working on the Hunt's Point Book, finding the routine of the year and....what was that other thing?

Oh, right. Surgery. Surgery #10. I say "number ten" all the time because I am still completely in shock that this is my life - this series of surgeries.

Of course, it could be a lot worse. I could be dead. I could be in chemo again. It could be worse. But really, is it too much to ask that it gets a bit better?

I want to be out of pain, and I find it somewhat ironic that to get out of pain I must get further into it. My expanders - rocks like baseballs stitched into my chest - are painful. My back constantly aches, my chest aches, my whole body just feels out of whack as a result of these things. They interrupt my sleep (try putting some baseballs in your shirt and then sleeping with them for a small idea of what I mean) and many motions and movements pull on me. I heard someone say once that it was like wearing a lifejacket two sizes too small. Yes, it is like that. (But stitch the life jacket to your chest for the whole effect, and put baseballs in there somewhere, too. I feel tight and tense and after a while it just hurts.

Soooo, the up side is that on Thursday they will put in implants instead of expanders, and this should be a huge improvement. They should sit in a pocket instead of being stitched to my chest. They should be soft.

I should stop hurting.

But first, I have to hurt more - it's inevitable, with surgery. And hopefully it's worth it. But despite my awareness of AIDS orphans in Africa, and homeless people in Seattle, and people with no friends or family, and child abuse, and all the rest....today I'm still feeling a bit sorry for myself that this is my path. I know it could be worse, but...

I do not forget that Kristin would have loved to have my "simple" complaints, and that she isn't here any more.

It's hard to walk the line with self awareness, acknowledging pain while acknowledging one's place in the universe. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I do know that I hurt and I need to say so; I also know that it could be worse, and I need to say that, too.

In totally different notes....

Our basement "remodel" looks great, I think. The couches are comfy and non-hideous (really, the others weren't great), and I'm pleased at the arrangement that suits four adults. And we got to pass along the old couch already, without the trip to Goodwill! Yesterday, the schedule was tight and the couch was large and so we ended up putting it in our garage with the intention of listing it on Craigslist for free. Today, however, we still hadn't done so, and when we came home after church/lunch/errands we ran into a neighbor in the alley and jokingly offered it to him. He didn't need it - but he knew a couple who just bought their first house, who didn't have any furniture, and who were getting married this weekend and had out of town visitors coming. Numbers were exchanged, and fifteen minutes later, they came with a truck to pick up the couch and chair. I LOVE it when something like that works out!

And did I mention yet that it looks like a blizzard outside? Everything is white, blustery, and blowing. This, despite the fact that earlier today the Olympics and Cascades were picture-perfect. I'm told that it's a short term thing, sure to melt tonight, but it doesn't look like it at the moment. Craziness.

Over and out - off to lentil soup for dinner.

Gone

Edited because the family is requesting privacy (which I would like to respect).

The bottom line? Another woman taken away from her family by evil breast cancer. Too young, too beautiful....and cancer didn't discriminate.

The basement "remodel"

Other people's remodels involve drywall, lighting, and such. Mine involves some hand me down furniture, but I am delighted!

First, generous Eileen gave Ryan and I her old - but beautiful - entertainment center armoire and a bigger-than-ours TV. Then, Heather called and asked if we'd like their old couch because they were investing in a new set of living room furniture for their house. (Yes!) Because removing the old couch and installing a new one involved removing a side window on the house (don't ask!), I decided that now was the time to get a loveseat (which, I decided, was my ideal configuration; easily seating four adults) to replace the chair.

Done! I'm happy with the results. We did a pizza and movies night with the Hisatomi's this evening, and it was suitably comfortable. Cozy - the room didn't grow in this process - but very comfy.

Weight...well, coulda been better, coulda been worse.
Bowl of peas - 1
Almonds - 2
Veggie Pizza - 12
Salad - 6 (lots of "good" stuff in it)
ice cream - 4

Total = 25, so used 3 flex points. Okey dokey.

Church - and the belated children's play - is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.

Counting

I'm not officially on Weight Watchers - I'm going to attempt to go it alone for the next month, especially with my surgery impending (six days and counting). But today I ate healthy food, and counted up the points.

1/2 slice cranberry bread - 2 (not the most auspicious beginning to the day!)
sushi - 8
lentil soup - 4
whole wheat roll - 2
chocolate - 1
apple - 1
crackers with bruschetta topping - 3

So total points were 22. The lentil soup had a ton of veggies in it, so my day was not as bereft of fruits and veggies as it first appeared....but still, not perfect. (Aiming for 5 fruits and veggies, I think I scored perhaps 4. Maybe 3.5.)

I poured myself a glass of wine to go with dinner, but only had a sip or two - just not worth it to me. I should have had a banana instead of cranberry bread, and I knew it, but still....not too bad. Not bad at all.

Every day counts. Today counted in the right direction.

Wonderful words

I discovered this on another blog, and I'm really mulling it over right now, and letting it sink in. Maybe it will resonate with you, too.

Greatness? Yeah, Baby!
"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."- Marianne Williamson

Commitment

Today I tried on a pair of my go-to jeans.

They didn't zip.

So I registered for the Seattle Rock'n'Roll 1/2 Marathon on June 27th. Let's take care of this, for once and for all.

My initial training will be delayed because of surgery, but I'm going to get this taken care of, one way of the other!

The scale

I am back to my pre-cancer weight.

Insert your expletive of choice here. (sigh)

I know what to do. I must do it.

Happy new year

2009 has come in softly, quietly, and I hope that it's an omen that the year will be drama-free, focused on what is important, joyful, and filled with small gatherings of friends.

Last night was lovely and quiet, and I enjoyed "Meditation on a Candle Flame" which is a free podcast on iTunes. Check it out - it's wonderful for someone like me, because I have monkey-mind and having a guided meditation is so much more effective at keeping me focused on that which I'm attempting to focus. I wrote in my journal, had just one glass of wine, sat quietly with Ryan, and didn't attempt to go beyond the moment.

This morning, I baked fresh granola, and we had Paul & Libby over for our traditional New Year's brunch. (We've done it at their house, and at restuarants, but this was the first time in memory at our house.) Fresh fruit, home made granola, yogurt, coffee....a simple feast. Oh, with some home made cranberry loaf, too (which is actually very healthy).

Now, Paul & Libby are gone, and Ryan is working on his bike. I took Shep for a very rainy walk ("invigorating" is what I'm telling myself), and after I finish here I will change out of my now-damp clothes and then take Tessa to the Hisatomi's for a kid playdate. The moms are headed to "Marley & Me" downtown, and Randal is watching Tessa so that Ryan can have some much needed downtime....he's been working so hard, and taking little to no days off, and he needs some quiet, too.

And New Year's Resolutions? This year, I'm resolved to just keep going. I've made wonderful strides in lots of directions - health, family, work, home, greening, friendship, money, spirituality - and so instead of beating myself up and focusing on what needs to change, I am merely recommitting to those things that I'd been working on all along. I suppose that is a major difference from other years, where I've beaten myself up for what I had not accomplished; this year may be no different in that regard (or maybe it is) but my mindset has changed. My "to-do" list is always longer than humanly possible, but rather than focusing on that I'm trying to live in the moment, to tackle what I can do now, and then to enjoy it, too.

Speaking of which, I am so glad I cleaned house in symbolic preparation for New Year's. It was SO nice to wake up to, and we all feel inspired to put things away properly and to revel in the order just a bit more than usual.

Simple things. I used to think that simple things were for simple minds, but now I've realized that the simple things are often the most important, and the most difficult, and I'm trying to settle in with that.

Happy new year, everyone. I hope that you can live in the moment for a while today, too, and feel content in yourself.

Quotes for New Year's

These came to my inbox from belief.net, and I thought I'd share. Ryan is giving Tessa a bath, the dinner dishes are put away, the chimes are tinkling softly, and the house is clean, and my mind is ready for a relaxing evening with Ryan, candles, and my journal. Bliss!
---------

New Year's"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." -- Edith Lovejoy Pierce

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." -- Hal Borland

"Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past." -- Henry Ward Beecher

Ahhh

Okay, so I'm nearly ready for the new year to begin.

Fresh sheets on the beds, clean bathrooms, vacuumed and dusted, the kitchen tidied, Tessa's room re-organized, the family room put back into order. Pet food back in the cupboard, the car through a car wash and gassed up, groceries stocked up.

Symbolically, I'm ready for a fresh start. I'm ready to recommit to all those things I'm working on so hard, and I'm ready for the newness of the coming year. I'm hopeful, this New Year's Eve, that next year will be easier.

So tonight, our family will be here, together, snug in our home, as the wind howls outside. I hear the chimes tinkling madly as the wind throws them around, and it is music to me. Ryan and I will share a special bottle of wine, and I think we'll both write in our journals. Tessa has a special bottle of sparkling cranberry juice that she picked out, and we will all toast one another.

We usually do a party with Paul & Libby, sometimes even a formal party, and I've loved that for many years. This year, though, the quiet feels just perfect. We'll still see Paul & Libby tomorrow, but tonight will be calm, reflective, and peaceful.

Happy new year, everyone.

What first?

I'm tackling my "to do" list. No fun, no fun at all.

But I'm determined to bring in the new year on a good note.

Finishing up Christmas 08, preparing for 09

Today was the family Christmas party at the Ochoa's home. Almost all of us were there, and I enjoyed everyone's company immensely, and felt gratitude for extended family.

This morning, we also went to church, for the first time in a while. I'm so glad that the snow is melted and gone! It was peaceful to sit in our familiar seats, listening to a sermon about sacred spaces. (More on that some other time, perhaps, as I was filled with thoughts of my own sacred spaces.)

And then this evening, after the family party, a surprise get-together with the RE (religious education) council - incredible women whom I adore. They are refreshingly honest, thoughtful, intelligent, and open, and I am a better person for their friendship.

(This is very non-chronological. It is what it is.)

Our Christmas tree is down, and our house is relatively back to normal. I like to keep the outdoor lights up until New Year's Day, so they are all that remains of the holiday. (Well, that and the pile of toys in Tessa's room!) This is an interesting time of year for me, because once the tree goes away, I really start to reflect upon the future. The past is past, and now I'm looking ahead to the fresh start of a new year, a return to schedules, to new goals and accomplishments. I'm thinking about writing - lots of it - and about healthy food and time best spent and running again. I'm thinking about what to do more of, what to do less of. I'm thinking of my mothering, and wondering how to be a better mom. (Oh, I'm good, and proud of it. But there is always so much room for improvement, and unfortunately I'm no exception.)

I also get to reflect on what has gone well. My green life is greener by the day; my marriage is stronger; my frugality gets easier instead of harder. I'm delighted by my spiritual wanderings, and the direction that I am headed, and feel great peace from it. I'm proud of home made bread, granola, stock, soup; I'm proud of organic inroads (this year we converted to organic beef and mostly grass fed....which means much less beef!). We're on a plan to get debt free, and we have a ways to go, but I'm proud of that, too.

So, I'm looking back, and looking forward. Honoring what I have accomplished, while striving to better myself and to acknowledge my failings. It's a tough line, and not always easy.

And while looking forward, I'm trying to acknowledge but not focus on the upcoming surgery. It feels like it's galloping towards me and I'm not ready.....I'm not ready at all. I desperately want it done to get out of discomfort/pain and to not look so weird and to not have trouble sleeping because of the expanders....but I hate surgery. Hate hate hate it.

So much to be grateful for, but losses in there, too.

Much to think about at this time of reflection.

Wrapping things up

As Boxing Day comes to a close, so does Christmas. The month of preparation - putting up the Christmas tree, putting up lights, sending out cards, shopping for gifts and wrapping them (though that didn't take long this year, as it was a slim year in that regard), drinking cocoa out of snowman mugs - is coming to an end until next year.

I am always so excited to begin Christmas each year. Ryan laughs at me, because I'm childish and I admit it, but the minute the Thanksgiving leftovers are tucked away, I just want my tree! But it is also true that after a month of having a tree, I am always ready to take it down.

Tonight, after our friends left, I took down the card holder, and lovingly reviewed each card again before I tucked them away. The first bin came down from the attic, and has been loaded with the first of the Christmas dishes. The Nutcrackers are back in their box; the snow globe is put away. There is still much work to do - stockings, tree, outdoor lights - but I like to begin on Boxing Day. Tomorrow I think I'll work on bringing down the tree, and our house will return to normal.

I like to begin the new year with a fresh start - I don't like Christmas stuff to be up, because I like things to be fresh and ready like a blank slate. I like to start the new year with clean laundry tucked away, fresh sheets on the beds, the dishwasher emptied. I'm also on a de-clutter fest, trying to get rid of the excess that we have accumulated. (Why? Why do we fight clutter so much?!)

I'm also thinking about getting rid of the excess around my middle. I have fallen off the wagon, and my pants are proving it. It's ridiculous, really, and after three days of feasting I feel excited about living on vegetables and soups for the next few months. I have had enough, and I'm looking forward to returning to better health.

I only have 13 days until my surgery. The new year brings what I hope will be my last surgery; I pray that the results will be good enough to deal with for 15 years (when I'll have to have the implants replaced). I am so very, very tired of the journey of breast cancer, and I want my body back. Or at least I don't want to hurt all the time.

And so I'm packing up the old year along with the ornaments, not forgetting it, not throwing it out in the trash, but setting it aside in boxes and looking forward to new things.

Boxing Day

I am attempting to not think about Janet obsessively. She wasn't my friend, she was a person on the internet. That is what I am telling myself. It is true that I didn't know her closely. But she had been there since I arrived at YSC, and I just thought she was a permanent fixture, no matter what the odds. It hurts to be wrong in this way.

But I am moving on.

We have a few friends coming over this afternoon for companionship and prime rib sandwiches. I am looking forward to their company, to the relaxed atmosphere of it, to enjoying each other's company.

Happy Boxing Day, all.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/26/opinion/26flanders.html?_r=1&hp

Our holiday giving was before the holiday, but I do love the tradition of helping the less fortunate.

Another loss

Janet, one of the YSC girls, is gone. She died peacefully - after a very unpeaceful journey with metastatic cancer - on Christmas Eve.

Logging in this morning to read the news left me stunned. She had such a large presence, wit, humor - how is it possible? The world suffers at her loss. I suffer.

Prayers to those who knew her in real life, to her husband Brian, to all those who love her.

One word answers

The trick here is to answer each question with only one word - not as easy as it seems. Here are the questions, with my answers, copied from the YSC boards. It is amazing to me how revealing the answers are when I read others' responses. I hope that you'll play, too, and post your answers here.

Have fun!
----------------
1. What time did you get up today? 8:00
2. Your significant other? mine
3. Your hair? long
4. Your Skin? ugh
5. Your Mother? loving
6. Your favorite thing? motherhood
7. Your dream last night? unknown
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? living
10. The room you're in? dining
11. Your ex? Who?!
12. Your fear? Leaving
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? celebrating
14. Where were you last night? friends'
15. What you are not? cruel
16. Muffins? nahhhh
17. One of your wish list items? Peace
18. Where you grew up? Victoria
19. The last thing you did? converse
20. What are you wearing? sweater
21. Your TV? OFF.
22. Your pets? Wonderful!
23. Your computer? connected
24. Your life? grateful.
25. Your mood? Peaceful
26. Missing someone? Grandpa
27. Your car? Functional
28. Something you're not wearing? bra
29. Favorite Store? thrift
30. Your summer? Orcas
31. Your favorite color? Blue
32. When is the last time your belly laughed? recently
33. Last time you cried? morning
34. Favorite Food? raspberries
35. Hobby? read
36. Favorite actor? none
37. Favorite actress? none
38. What’s for dinner? salmon
39. Where did I lose my remote control? Table.
40. What is the meaning of life? Joy
41. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? Uninterested
42. Make a wish? Peace
43. What is your favorite sport? hiking
44. Fun game? Cranium
45. Least liked food? liver
46. What do you believe? Compassion
47. What are you looking forward to? grandchild
48. Reading anything good? YES!

PS Last time I cried - this morning it was happy tears. Ryan made me a beautiful montage of Tessa pictures, set to music, and it was just so lovely...

Wake up! Wake up! Santa came!

And so began our morning, as it should be.

Santa delivered Tessa the right gifts, and she is currently lolling about on the living room carpet, in her Christmas nightgown, (red and white, of course!), reading new books, playing with small new horses...content.

Ryan's taking a little nap.

I'm here, checking in online with friends, and ever so grateful for my favorite gifts from Ryan. Ryan made me a montage of pictures of Tessa, set to the music "She's got a way about her" by Billy Joel, and as I watched it I cried. Every mother knows how beautiful their child is, and I am no exception. Looking at her face - from bald, to wispy curls, to lush and long - brings me a joy I had never imagined. Ryan also gave me a gorgeous book of poems with a note that he would read them to me in bed at night.

It is obvious that I am RICH. Among the wealthiest of kings, actually. Money is not wealth. It's nice, of course, and we could always use more, but poetry, photos, ponies, family....this is all I desire. (Oh, and chocolate. And I got that, too! And coffee. Yes, coffee.)

Last night we dined with Michele & Dave at their home, and it was beautiful; today we'll brunch with our neighbor friends Sarah & Steven (I made a bacon & egg strata that I'll pop in the oven in just a few minutes, so that we can bring it hot); we are not yet sure what we will do about dinner (travel to Woodinville to be with family as planned; walk a block to join Kathleen, Jim, and Elena; or pop our own roast in the oven) because the weather is so very.....icy. Whatever we do, it will be wonderful, and we're so glad to have the chance to have this beautiful life.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Altered plans

Church was canceled, and we had really looked forward to it. Drat! This weather, while often beautiful, is starting to get a little old. It is supposed to snow another 1-6 inches tonight...how can that be possible? Much of the snow melted today, but it is still a crazy mess out there, and though we only drove a mile or so today it was rough going.

Instead of church, we were able to attend dinner with our dear, dear friends Michele & Dave and their sweet boys, Elliott and Everett. Michele cooked an amazing dinner (I may never be able to button my pants again, but that is what resolutions are for....!), and the companionship was just...well, perfect.

We used the service that Rev. Peg sent out, singing carols, sharing readings, and telling The Night Before Christmas. We also included a story of Jesus' birth.

If anyone is looking for a UU Christmas Eve service, I recommend the lovely thoughts that our dear minister Peg put together.

http://westseattlereligiouseducation.blogspot.com/2008/12/christmas-eve-service.html

Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Love,
Kristina

PS Wrapping. Hmmm. Much wrapping to do for Tessa!

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Our day has been altered by the weather....but what else is new?!

It snowed again last night, and now we have a "wintery mix" of snow, ice, slush, rain - ugh. This is not the beautiful winter wonderland we had been enjoying so much.

Church was canceled this evening for safety reasons. Oh no! I had been looking forward to it so very much, and friends were joining us....

But we are recovering from that information, and we will be dining in style with Michele & Dave and family at their home this afternoon, because their family plans got canceled as well. We can walk there - hurrah - and so we will enjoy good cheer in their company, and were grateful for the invitation.

We are not counting on being able to drive to Woodinville tomorrow, but you never know. We bought a roast for the three of us, and we will celebrate Christmas here or there...but we will celebrate.

I hope that you are safe and warm, whereever you are!

Reality Check

Sometimes, I can be so petty. I try so hard to remember what is true, just, and beautiful in the world, but I get distracted from what's important so easily.

Last night, I got to experience a tiny little piece of how life is for some people. Tessa and I spent the night at Family Promise as evening hosts, with three homeless families.

I am humbled.

We stayed in a cold room, with only one twin sized air mattress to share. We had brought our own sleeping bags, so we were warm, but it was no fun to get out of bed into the cool air in the morning. Besides Tessa, there were three young children and a teen at the shelter. I don't pretend that I know what it's like to be homeless, but this tiny taste was enough to remind me of how incredibly lucky we are.

I heard some hard luck stories. I tried to be a good listener, to give and not to take.

And I was so, so, so grateful to come home today, into my warm home with comfortable beds, privacy, showers, a dog and a cat.

Thank you, Family Promise, for giving me this opportunity. I am humbled.

No new snow....new ice

It figures that this is the first time we need to drive!

Today it was warmer - mid 30s - and so some of the snow started to melt. (Not that you can tell now; every bit of the world is white around here still.) Now, of course, there is snow AND ice on the roads...it's gonna be slick.

I wouldn't go out, except that our church is having trouble staffing the Family Promise homeless shelter. So, in just a few minutes, Tessa and I will spend our first night in a homeless shelter, with other families. We will be hosting, but I am humbled with gratitude at the opportunity to do this. I pray that Tessa learns compassion through the experience, and that I can use my compassion and say and do the right things.

(And in case any of you have concerns: Family Promise has excellent screening. No alcohol or drug abuse, no domestic violence, no criminal records. We will be safe....and in the company of moms, dads, and children.)

Pictures of Snow

Here are some pictures from today and tonight (plus the one of kids on the swingset from Friday - love how kids gravitate towards it, no matter what the weather! Sorry it's fuzzy, it was taken through our screened window). Still snowing, 28 degrees right now.

Still snowing

It is STILL snowing. It's unbelievable to me that it continues to snow, day after day, almost without letting up. I hear that tonight we might get up to six inches, on top of what we already have. At this rate, I believe it. Not including the snow that melted earlier in the week, we have about a foot of snow here at this point.

We spent some time walking to the Junction and then sledding down a little hill near our house....and it was fabulous. Now we're at home watching movies - very relaxing.

Stay warm, people!

Safe and warm - again

Well, despite some gusting winds last night, we did not lose power, and we are all snug and warm inside. We will not be attending our family Christmas party in Bothell today (drat!), but we will enjoy our West Seattle community. We haven't left the house yet, but according to the West Seattle Blog (LOVE those guys) the roads here are an icy mess. Our car will stay in the garage.

Best wishes, everyone!
xoxo
Kristina

Snow, snow, and more snow

Well, it's 8:18pm and all is well. The tiniest snowflakes are falling - but in abundance. This is not the big, wet, fluffy snow that I'm used to around here, but tiny little crystals. When I look outside in the dark, at first I don't even see that it's snowing....but if you step outside you quickly realize that it's snowing hard. We went to dinner at Heather & Randal's (thank you!) and by the time we came outside, 3 hours later, our car was completely covered in white and the steps were coated in a fresh blanket of snow. (We drove the five blocks because it's COLD. Last I checked, it was 25 degrees out.) It's breezy, and though the wind isn't strong it's cold, and wet, because the tiny flakes blow at the slightest breeze, and so snow is flying off rooftops and trees in addition to falling from the sky. I'm glad to be inside now.

Tessa is being tucked into bed, the cell phones are charging, and I think I'm going to have a nice cup of hot tea soon.

My deepest wish tonight is that everyone will find safe refuge from the storm, and be able to feel peace and comfort indoors. This is no time to be outside.

(Our cat doesn't usually use his litter box, preferring the outdoors, but he's grateful for it today. Shep is joyful in the snow...but comes back in pretty quickly. Yes, we're stocked up on dog and cat food, too.)

Much love,
Kristina

Safe and warm

Well, Winter Storm 2008 is supposed to get a lot worse tonight, so we are battening down the hatches and getting ready. Laundry is caught up, the dishwasher is running, and Ryan is picking up extra groceries "just in case" because we're expecting more snow, wind, and ice - brrrrr!

We are hopeful that we will be unscathed, and that we will enjoy family time with board games, hot drinks, and reading. Maybe we'll read "A Christmas Carol" aloud by candlelight, fi it comes to that.....rumor is that the power might go out. We have a propane BBQ with a side element, so I figure we can at least make cocoa on that.

I am so grateful for warm clothes, warm food, and a warm house. I am grateful for caring friends and family, and a neighborhood community where i can walk to get what I need.

If any of you (our friends) locally find yourselves without power, call us, and if we still have power, then you can stay with us of course.

xoxo
Kristina

PS Probably 6-7 inches of snow on the ground, temps in the 20s, and the breeze is picking up now....but so far today, nothing remarkable, no precipitation of any kind. The predictions I saw said that at about 4pm we'd see the storm, and the storm weather was supposed to last for about 24 hours. Only time will tell what happens next!

A real snow day!

The view from our front porch... Another front porch view...

And from the kitchen door, the deck and back yard...

Well, after yesterday's false alarm, we awoke this morning to another winter wonderland. Just about every bit of snow had melted by yesterday evening, but as you can see from these pictures we have perhaps 4 inches right now, and it's still snowing.

I love love love it!

My only concern is that our dear friends the Wards probably on a plane at this very moment, headed to visit our area (and us!) from Panama. Fingers crossed that they will be able to land and get to their hotel. I'd planned on delivering a basket of goodies to the hotel for their arrival, but at this point I hope to give them the goodies in person....I'm not driving anywhere!

Happy snow day, everyone. Please stay safe and warm.

Edited at 9:30: Ryan swept our front walk to prevent ice at about 8am, and now you can't even tell, because it's really snowing now.

Snow day, but no new snow

The official announcement was made that there will be no school today in Seattle Public Schools. Still, the weather pattern is creating a donut with Seattle in the middle: snow all around, but no snow on us. I love snow, and I am still hoping for some nice fresh powder, but we will see. I suppose that anything is possible.

And in the meantime, Tessa has discovered how to belch and (ahem) fart on demand, and I am going to go insane today if that keeps up. She is in hysterics with herself....me, not so much. This could be a long day! (She belches. I say, "Tessa, that's not polite." She does it again. I say, "If you do that again, there will be a consequence." And so it goes.....ugh. Giving consequences all day and dealing with her potential fits as a result does not sound very winter wonderland-y. Wish me well, please.)

The new armoire

Our 70s basement got an upgrade - love the new armoire. Thanks, Eileen!

Not cozy for everyone

Another cozy day for the Surface family. I don't think Mo has been outside in days (thank goodness for kitty litter), and Tessa and I haven't ventured outside today. If we get fluffy snow tomorrow, we'll go out to enjoy it, but today we are not interested in the rough ice.

But I'm thinking of others less fortunate.

I read an article in the Seattle Times about the plight of the homeless at this time of year, and my heart sank as I thought about it. Emergency shelters are being set up all over the city, and nobody is being turned away. (The UU principle is "the inherent worth and dignity of all people" and I think that this is an EXCELLENT time to practice that principle.)

Because this is not a good day to be homeless. In fact, it's the worst. Seattle's homeless are probably more ill-prepared for this kind of weather than most, because we don't expect it.

I am still involved in Family Promise, and will be helping out Christmas week as our church has several families staying with us that week. This time, there are four children in the program. Christmas is a hard week to be homeless. I am so, so, so grateful for this program, because the children (and their parents) may be homeless, but they will also be warm. We don't have checks to write this year, so I'm giving time, and we sorted through Tessa's toys for some to donate. I'll bake some special things to bring, too.

Because I am grateful, and I know how blessed I am.

If you have a chance to donate to a food bank, or a homeless shelter, today would be a great day to do it. If you see a homeless person on the street today, consider delivering them a cup of cocoa, or popping into a drugstore to buy them an extra hat or gloves or protein bars. I have to imagine that every tiny little bit helps right now.

Home again

This morning I was thinking about how to get Tessa to school, and she solved the problem for me.

"Mama, my head feels so heavy. It is very sad when you're sick on a snow day!"

Yes, honey, it is. But we'll be fine. Home again today, and wondering about more snow tonight.

Not frightful

As far as I'm concerned, both the weather outside and our cozy home are both delightful today.

On Saturday night, as Ryan and I cozied up on the couch in front of our beautiful new entertainment center armoire (hold on for more details about that) watching The Christmas Story ("You'll shoot your eye out!"), we looked outside to see flakes falling. By morning, several inches of powdery snow had coated everything in sight.

We kept the car in the garage, piled into snow clothes, and headed outside. Snow angels were made, snow was eaten (Tessa thinks this is marvelous for some reason), and Shep was gleeful despite his silly dog-boots and coat (gotta protect that injured foot, and if we only put one boot on him then he refuses to step on it, so we have to put them on all fours). We walked to C&P to hang out with the C&P crowd, then we walked to church, and on the way home from church we stopped and picked up some necessities (okay, are chocolate chips a necessity?!) so that we could be snug and carefree upon arriving home. Neighbors S&S came by for hot beverages, and Tessa alternated between playing in the snow and warming up outside.

And today? We're keeping Tessa home from school even though it's only two hour delays, because school is allllll downhill and we decided it's not worth it. Hours on the phone discussing the weather, and we're snug inside in warm clothes, with squash baking in the oven for squash soup this evening.

So it's icy and slick outside, but we're not feeling frightful. We're feeling grateful for a working furnace, a snug home, hot coffee or cocoa. I'm feeling grateful for a day with Tessa. I'm feeling grateful that Ryan can work from his office away from the office (aka C&P).

Stay warm and safe!

Kristina

PS Armoire: Boy did we get lucky with this one! Susan's kind friend Eileen was upgrading to built ins and a flat screen, and so they gave us their beautiful wood entertainment armoire and their bigger-than-ours TV. I really love it! We had a decent TV but a piece-of-junk entertainment center, and this is a major upgrade. I'm incredibly grateful for their kindness and generousity, and I'm also grateful to my parents for helping to pick it up and transport it in their van. I'm ALSO grateful that we changed the schedule to get it on Saturday, instead of Monday as planned, because the weather wouldn't have allowed it today.

Wise words

The YSC girls are suffering right now. New mets, new deaths, girls on the edge of death.

A couple of years ago, Mama Cath posted this in response to a similar wave of sadness. I'm trying to engrave these words upon my heart for comfort.

---------------------
It's happening again.

Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powelessness, the strength and courage.

I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhlemed. You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU. You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.

It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

So if you are checking the boards incessently right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.

So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.

Love,cathy

Anybody have a good Spaghetti alle Vongole recipe?

I'm making a pantry supper tonight, and I swear I've seen a dozen "good" pantry recipes for Spaghetti alle Vongole. I knew I had some canned clams and the rest, so I thought it would be a perfect simple supper.

I looked at 20 cookbooks. I looked on the web. Nothing I found was terribly satisfying; I'm concocting my own recipe now and it's simmering on the stove.

Anyone?

Feeling better, so ready, set....GO!

I am feeling halfway decent today for the first time in a long time, it seems. That means that I dropped Tessa off and took Shep for a long-ish walk (at a much slower pace than usual; he looked enviously at the dogs with running partners, but I'm not there yet), came home, and now I'm crafting my heinous to-do list.

I'm so grateful to be able to breathe again, but now it's time to tackle the stuff that fell behind while I sat on my rear-end willing myself to feel better.

Ready, set, GO!

TGIF

It's 7:30 on Friday night and I haven't fed my family dinner - Ryan' not quite home yet. Oh my! Tessa is contentedly doing an art project, and dinner is in the oven....and I'm exhuasted.

It was my best day since pneumonia came to visit. I got some things done around the house, and ran a couple of errands, and made dinner (crustless salmon quiche, a recipe from Corina that I've had for years and always intended to try). But now I'm exhausted, and it feels like a vice grip is on my chest. I will be glad when pneumonia departs.

Oh, one unintended side effect of pneumonia that I'm grateful for: the doctor made me step on the scale. Well, that was actually a little slice of hell (did it really say that?!) but it was a good wake up call. (That, and the fact that I was having trouble zipping my pants.) I've been much more careful about what I eat, and I've been eating a lot more veggies, adn thank goodness. I haven't weighed myself again since Monday but I feel much better zipping my pants already so that's something. The timing is terrible - hey, it's the holidays and fun to eat! - but excellent - hey, it's the holidays, so let's avoid adding more weight.

TGIF. After Ryan's long work week, illness in the house, and such, we're ready for some good down time as a family.

Pneumonia

Man, this has sucked.

I have NO energy. I feel like I could lay in bed all day - which is what I did on Monday and Tuesday. I'm still not very productive, and a small amount of activity (like walking up one flight of stairs) leavese me short of breath. Carrying a laundry basket makes me gasp a little and feel like someone is pushing on my chest.

Fortunately, Tessa is doing well, the doc gave her a clean bill of health.

But me? I'm really, really glad that I didn't go to San Diego, because I don't think I could have handled it. No, i know I couldn't.

But we could have used the money. :-(

Thoughts on survivorship: Living close to the bone

On the YSC boards yesterday, there was a post that explained things well for me, but also got me thinking. With the author's permission, I'm sharing it here.

I couple of recent threads have got me ruminating on why I check in with this board every day, why I read the mets board, etc. even though I'm three+ years out. Here's what I've found: I don't know anyone on here in person, or how you act in your private life, but I do know that when we come here, we discuss stuff that's real. I feel we are authentic, even when we're mean and crazy bitches. Maybe the anonymity helps. We express depths of real love and vitriol here that I doubt we do IRL, at least as often.

Most of the people I know IRL are not living an authentic life; not even close. I call it living close to the bone, or actually inhabiting your own body, if you know what I mean. They stress about things I cannot relate to and have totally bought into their thinking. I can't bear to be part of a conversation anymore that's focused around gossip, who's got what, whether your kid eats broccoli or not, how the teacher is mean and doesn't like your child when I've met your child and he's an asshole. I had a conversation last year with a friend who was *irate* that the deli counter at Safeway did not keep their posted hours and she really needed some smoked turkey. Sent her husband back the next day to give them a piece of her mind. AYFKM?

For example, as you're sitting at the computer reading this, stop for a minute and look around. What's on your desk...notice things. Feel your body sitting in the chair. Are you uncomfortable or in pain? Do you notice your foobs? Expanders feel like rocks? Are you blessedly comfortable and thankful for it? I feel like we are more in touch with our bodies because of cancer, and thus our emotions, because we have experienced "extreme living." You probably do that awareness exercise regularly and don't even notice it. You may even be *gasp* thankful for the little things. I'm not naive enough to think there aren't some shallow broads around here, but for the most part, this is what cancer does to us. We notice our real selves because we can't hide from it anymore.

I feel like, whether we like it or not, we've woken up, and I find it refreshing. That's why I stick around. I like your perspective and the realness that you present here. I'm sorry it takes a near death or an imminent death experience sometimes to live close to the bone. There have been threads started here about whether cancer has been a "blessing." I don't phrase it that way myself, but I thank God that at least now I'm awake, and have a place to chat with others who have woken up too. It keeps me from going back to sleep.

Peace lovely ladies,M2M

Just to be clear, I think that I have been blessed with the most amazing friends that a woman could ever hope for, ever, in the history of time. I do not believe that I do not express love and vitriol (love that word!) in real life that I express on the boards; I know who my friends are and I'm passionate about them.

Still, there is truth to the whole thing.

In real life, my friends and family (in a general sense, not thinking of specific people) do not understand my need to have a breast cancer community, especially when so much of what happens deeply saddens me. (We lost another sister this week. I can not express how it feels.) I also think that many friends and family wonder what I get from the boards that I do not get from real friends.

I have not got breast cancer friends in real life. This shames me. I have not been able to handle the fierce love, protectiveness, and fear in real life. On the boards, I can observe, and try to understand.

Some of my friends are "awake" without the curse of a life-threatening disease. I don't think that I was "asleep" before my diagnosis, but I do think that I am WIDE awake now.

Here is my response to the post:
M2M, that was just so right. Thank you.

I am awake, and I never want to go back to sleep. That is true. Although it is so, so tiring to be so "on" all the time. I try so hard to stuff my life with meaning and truth and thoughfulness and consciousness that it can sometimes exhaust me. I don't want to lose the perspective of how precious life is, but it has come at such a cost. Was I really that asleep before?

Rhetorical question, of course.

I come back all the time because I need to. It is as simple, and complex, as that. M2M, you've given me a lot to think about....and I'm thinking. Thank you.

Saved by Santa

Tonight Tessa had a full on fit.

The kind with slamming doors, angry words, stomping feet, and growling. Yes, when Tessa is THAT mad, she growls.

I was at my wit's end. I recognized that she was tired after coughing half the night, but of course this behavior is NOT okay. We'd planned on driving by the Menasche house to see the lights; she lost that privledge. She pouted, stomped, cried, and yelled some more. Despite further admonishments, she then lost dessert for two days. It was getting really bad, and I was out of steam (and out of breath - just when I thought I was getting better, this took it out of me).

And Santa saved me.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Tessa stopped screaming at me (it was really ugly) and said, "Oh no, oh no, oh no, I don't want Christmas to happen! I wish it wasn't Christmas!" This caught me completely off guard, of course, but I had to ask what on earth she was talking about. Her answer? "I'll be good! Will Santa bring me coal because I was bad? Oh no, this is the worst Christmas ever......EVER......." and she commenced wailing.

First, I have to say that I have NEVER emphasized that part of Christmas. To me, Santa is all about the spirit of giving, love, and joy, and there's no way that I would have held him over her head like that. (Plus, I just didn't think of it. Tonight, if I'd thought of it, I was desperate enough to bring it up.) But she picked it up somewhere, and she was suddenly horrified by what could happen as a result of the evening.

This is interesting on several levels. First, that she actually DID have the knowledge that she was being bratty, despite her yelling at me that I was mean etc. etc. Somewhere deep down, she knew absolutely that her behavior was horrible, even if she wouldn't admit that in the heat of it. Second, that she apparently deeply believes in Santa Claus, even though I've dropped some hints about him. (She's not listening, apparently.) Third, I had no idea that Santa could save grownups. This might have been my Christmas gift, because Ryan's not home yet, and I'm tired, and dealing with a fit of this level was getting to the "I want to run away and hide" stage. Thanks for the gift, Santa. It was just what I wanted, and it fit perfectly.

Somewhere in her sobbing tirade, as Tessa wound down, she told me that I didn't love her anymore. Ouch. I made her look in my eyes and listen as I promised her that I ALWAYS love her, even when I'm mad. She told me that she believed me, but it broke my heart that she forgot how much I love her, even for a second. I tell her all the time how much I love her, and how nothing could make me stop loving her, and I'm horrified at the idea that she might have actually thought that I didn't love her in that moment. She was probably just yanking me chain, being melodramatic, etc., but that was hard to hear.

Yesterday all of this would have made me pass out, but today I was well enough to manage. Just barely, but well enough. I did some deep breathing meditation with Tessa, talked about how tomorrow was another day, talked about forgiveness and how Santa could see the fabulous girl that she is, and would probably forgive this transgression.

Sigh. Whatta day.

Two for the price of one

Well, Tessa was up coughing half the night, so I kept her home today. She is doing pretty well this morning, but we will go to the doctor. Enough of this already!

I also canceled my San Diego trip for Thursday/Friday. I was debating it for myself, still being under the weather (and it ws going to be a really busy, running all-over-the-place event, PLUS I was going to be filmed, so I needed to be on top of my game) but when I found myself holding Tessa for a couple hours in her bed starting at midnight, I knew that the game was up. The team is really understanding AND found a substitute, so I'm really relieved....

On to plan B. Or C. Or K. Or S. Or whatever plan we're on now!

My massive to do list

- write Solstice Play
- Prepare for San Diego/Genentech speaking engagement
- Prepare for Sunday's service (story for all ages)
- Write a book! (Hunts Point)
- Pick up holiday cards at Costco
- Send holiday cards (write, stamp, etc)
- fold about 30 loads of laundry (washed, not folded)
- return phone calls
- hang Christmas lights, make swags and hang them
- Did I mention the laundry?

There is so much more on my list, but none of it is getting done today. I have given myself the day off so that tomorrow I can go full tilt and so that on Thursday I can fly out and do my whirlwind trip.

Fingers crossed that this strategy works. I am DONE being sick, but being sick is not done with me. I'm on day two of the five day course of antibiotics, and don't feel any different, but tomorrow will be a better test of whether they're working.

Pneumonia. I mean, c'mon.....really?! Ridiculous.

Well that's a bummer

I just got back from the doctor and the pharmacy.

I was diagnosed with pneumonia - bummer. I'm on antibiotics and I'm to lay low for two days. Hopefully I will be well enough to fly out on Thursday, bright and early....!

Fuzzy head

Fuzzy head, tight chest, sore throat, wahhhhhh.

I have a 10:45am doctor's appointment.

The dangers of Google

Okay, so I'm feeling progressively more crummy, so I start to Google my symptoms.

I'm either looking at influenza or pneumonia - ugh. I need to get myself to the doc tomorrow because if I have pneumonia I want to treat it asap before it gets serious. Not to say that I have pneumonia - my medical degree is still missing - but the symptoms do align.

Bummer.

I guess I'm just glad that it's not Christmas yet....could be worse.

But I want to feel better.

sick

Ugh - I have a minor cold that has moved into my chest and become something a bit more than minor. I'm spending the afternoon on the couch, not doing much. Sigh. Tomorrow is a field trip with Tessa's class, but I'm going to try to figure out a way to go to the doctor, too, because the coughing is a bit much for me.

Oh well. I'm glad that the tree is up, that the Christmas cards are ordered (and waiting for me at Costco...darn it, I wanted to get them today but don't have enough energy left), that the turkey soup was made (so I didn't waste the carcass - and by the way, the stock was YUMMY!), etc. I have leftover pumpkin from the pumpkin pies - grown next door - and when I get energy I'll make pumpkin risotto one night this week. Yum.

But not today. Today I'm on the couch. Sigh.