Better than expected

Wow.

I had been so freaked out about this surgery, so overwhelmed by it, that I almost completely forgot that good things can come out of it.

My foobs (fake+boobs=foobs) are soft. Blissfully soft! When I hug someone, they will cushion the hug, rather than banging into me and the hug-ee. They are SO much more normal in shape, and in position, that at the moment they are far exceeding my expectations.

I am wearing a giant strap around the top of the foobs to keep the left one from migrating upwards - again. I've had it corrected several times now, and so I know not to expect that it will stay in place....but I'm hopeful. So very hopeful....I just want this to be done. The strap will be uncomfortable over time - it's a two week prescription for wearing it - but tonight, on pain meds, it's not bothering me too much.

I need to call Adrienne and get on my physical therapy schedule, because I MUST prevent more scar tissue from limiting my range of motion. I must. This is the only hope, and now is the time.

I've been awake all afternoon. As the first pain meds wore off, I was definitely aware of it, so I'm staying on top of them (next ones at 10pm). But it's much less uncomfortable/painful than previous surgeries.

My throat is sore from being dry from oxygen etc - they said that they wouldn't use a tube but it definitely feels like they did.

My eye is actually the most painful part, where they removed the keloid scar.

But I can deal with all fo this.

Because now, I'm working on healing. I want to start being good and kind to my body - I want to run, I want to eat well, and I don't have to dread surgery and the dreadful plummet any more. I think I just might be done.

I can not express enough gratitude for the support I've received. Ryan adn Susan took the day off work and spent time with me, Beth watched Tessa and fed Ryan and Tessa, Ruth delivered a meal that fed Susan and I, Sue organized meals, and Sharon gave me a reiki treatment to go in strong (I really think it made a huge difference - wow). I got flowers from Mom & Dad S., and many calls from Mum & Dad, and phone messages and Facebook messages and emails from so many. I am very lucky, and grateful. Thank you.

And yes, I'm a little drugged up here, so it is what it is. But I go to bed tonight, hopeful.

Home and okay

Hello, everyone.

The surgery went well, and I'm okay, and now I'm at home. Susan & Ryan are taking care of me, and I am SO GLAD to have this behind me.

Thank you for your continued well wishes. Now my oxycodone and I are going to take a nice nap. :-)

xoxo
Kristina

Almost time

It's nearly time.

Soon, I'll get a second reiki treatment, hopefully putting me in a state of relaxation. Then, I'll leave (with Ryan) to go to the hospital.

Granola is in the oven, bread is in the machine, the sheets on all three beds are changed. I have a tray with a water pitcher and a glass awaiting me. Mom has instructions on how to make Tessa's lunch and breakfast tomorrow.

I'm as ready as I'll ever be....

Sighhhhhhhhhhh

I'm a nervous wreck over here. Can I just be DONE already?

I'm being a bigger baby for surgery #10 than I was for surgery #1 (which, I shouldn't have to point out, was a mastectomy, not "merely" reconstruction and corrections).

Wahhhhhh.

Not me

I'm sure that there are women all over breast cancer world who prepare for their tenth surgery since diagnosis by cleaning their homes, stocking their fridges full of food, writing thoughtful notes to friends, and walking the dog even though it's raining.

It turns out that I am not one of those people.

I spent the day having the wonderful distraction of going to SAM with Laurie to relax, and having lunch there. When I got home I remembered some books that I wanted to place on hold for the library, so I did that. I will get to the grocery store soon, I'm sure.

But I'm sad, and feeling confused, and not myself. I know I would feel so much better if I got some things done - heck, I haven't even put the sheets back on the bed yet! - but I feel a little lost as I mentally prepare for this surgery. I know what to do but I'm just feeling lost and unable.

Because it's not a big deal...right? I'll be okay....right? My family will be fine, right? And I'll heal okay? And I won't have a breakdown.....please?

Sigh. So much for getting easier over time.

By this time tomorrow I should be on my way home, done with the cutting part.

Gifts

This morning, I had my first reiki session - a gift from a fellow UU. It was relaxing, and if it helps me to heal, then it's the best gift in the world. The "prescription" is four sessions the week of surgery, so we'll be doing it again soon.

I'm also setting up Tessa's birthday. This year, in lieu of a party, we are going to spend a day with horses. (Shhhh - don't tell her, it's a surprise!) We were sort of debating what kind of party, how many people, where, what activities....and it was all too much. So, for the first time, we're just going to keep it simple. Tessa's friend Anna will spend the night, and in the morning we are going to head to Christine's to spend the day with her....and her horses. For the first time, Tessa will get to groom a horse, and she'll also get to ride, etc. I'll pack a picnic, and I think it will be incredibly fun. It's simple, but I think it'll fulfill one of Tessa's deepest wishes - and that is the best.

I have also been blessed to have friends call and set up childcare, dinners, and the like for my recovery after surgery. I am so thankful to have these people in my life.

Still behind on my to-do list....still trying. Better get back to it! It wouldn't surprise me if we lost power today, because the wind is whipping around outside. Fingers crossed that when it starts raining (we're expecting several inches, according to the forecast) our basement doesn't flood like it did last year. I did seal the concrete, but fingers are crossed that it did the trick....

No instant results

I weighed myself this morning. Nothing had budged. If anything, it looked like things went UP a pound. GRRRR! I ate 23 points yesterday, so I'm still on track, and I'm determined to see it through.

Doing chores at home this morning, then walk the dog (and get my own exercise in the process), and then work on the book this afternoon before picking up Tessa.

By the way, it looked like a winter wonderland when I went to bed last night, but now there's just some slush all over the place. It's relatively warm out and everything is melting away.

Please don't say that

A telephone solicitor from the Democratic National Committee called. Blah blah blah please donate.

I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a breast cancer survivor and all of our money is going to fight breast cancer right now."

The solicitor did not take the hint - subtle as a brick - and kept going.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Please know that the DNC is doing everything possible to work on legislation for terminal patients such as yourself."

YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!

I was too horrified - and stung - to spit out a retort.

Solstice Play, Snow, and Stuff

The "solstice" play "Animals in Winter" was presented at church today, and it was a roaring success. LOTS of people participated, and there was giggling, and everyone seemed to have a good time. If they learned a little about migration, adaptation, and the like, then all the better...I'm just glad it wasn't a huge flop.

I'm in a bit of a confused state as we begin the week. Tessa back to school, working on the Hunt's Point Book, finding the routine of the year and....what was that other thing?

Oh, right. Surgery. Surgery #10. I say "number ten" all the time because I am still completely in shock that this is my life - this series of surgeries.

Of course, it could be a lot worse. I could be dead. I could be in chemo again. It could be worse. But really, is it too much to ask that it gets a bit better?

I want to be out of pain, and I find it somewhat ironic that to get out of pain I must get further into it. My expanders - rocks like baseballs stitched into my chest - are painful. My back constantly aches, my chest aches, my whole body just feels out of whack as a result of these things. They interrupt my sleep (try putting some baseballs in your shirt and then sleeping with them for a small idea of what I mean) and many motions and movements pull on me. I heard someone say once that it was like wearing a lifejacket two sizes too small. Yes, it is like that. (But stitch the life jacket to your chest for the whole effect, and put baseballs in there somewhere, too. I feel tight and tense and after a while it just hurts.

Soooo, the up side is that on Thursday they will put in implants instead of expanders, and this should be a huge improvement. They should sit in a pocket instead of being stitched to my chest. They should be soft.

I should stop hurting.

But first, I have to hurt more - it's inevitable, with surgery. And hopefully it's worth it. But despite my awareness of AIDS orphans in Africa, and homeless people in Seattle, and people with no friends or family, and child abuse, and all the rest....today I'm still feeling a bit sorry for myself that this is my path. I know it could be worse, but...

I do not forget that Kristin would have loved to have my "simple" complaints, and that she isn't here any more.

It's hard to walk the line with self awareness, acknowledging pain while acknowledging one's place in the universe. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I do know that I hurt and I need to say so; I also know that it could be worse, and I need to say that, too.

In totally different notes....

Our basement "remodel" looks great, I think. The couches are comfy and non-hideous (really, the others weren't great), and I'm pleased at the arrangement that suits four adults. And we got to pass along the old couch already, without the trip to Goodwill! Yesterday, the schedule was tight and the couch was large and so we ended up putting it in our garage with the intention of listing it on Craigslist for free. Today, however, we still hadn't done so, and when we came home after church/lunch/errands we ran into a neighbor in the alley and jokingly offered it to him. He didn't need it - but he knew a couple who just bought their first house, who didn't have any furniture, and who were getting married this weekend and had out of town visitors coming. Numbers were exchanged, and fifteen minutes later, they came with a truck to pick up the couch and chair. I LOVE it when something like that works out!

And did I mention yet that it looks like a blizzard outside? Everything is white, blustery, and blowing. This, despite the fact that earlier today the Olympics and Cascades were picture-perfect. I'm told that it's a short term thing, sure to melt tonight, but it doesn't look like it at the moment. Craziness.

Over and out - off to lentil soup for dinner.

Gone

Edited because the family is requesting privacy (which I would like to respect).

The bottom line? Another woman taken away from her family by evil breast cancer. Too young, too beautiful....and cancer didn't discriminate.

The basement "remodel"

Other people's remodels involve drywall, lighting, and such. Mine involves some hand me down furniture, but I am delighted!

First, generous Eileen gave Ryan and I her old - but beautiful - entertainment center armoire and a bigger-than-ours TV. Then, Heather called and asked if we'd like their old couch because they were investing in a new set of living room furniture for their house. (Yes!) Because removing the old couch and installing a new one involved removing a side window on the house (don't ask!), I decided that now was the time to get a loveseat (which, I decided, was my ideal configuration; easily seating four adults) to replace the chair.

Done! I'm happy with the results. We did a pizza and movies night with the Hisatomi's this evening, and it was suitably comfortable. Cozy - the room didn't grow in this process - but very comfy.

Weight...well, coulda been better, coulda been worse.
Bowl of peas - 1
Almonds - 2
Veggie Pizza - 12
Salad - 6 (lots of "good" stuff in it)
ice cream - 4

Total = 25, so used 3 flex points. Okey dokey.

Church - and the belated children's play - is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.

Counting

I'm not officially on Weight Watchers - I'm going to attempt to go it alone for the next month, especially with my surgery impending (six days and counting). But today I ate healthy food, and counted up the points.

1/2 slice cranberry bread - 2 (not the most auspicious beginning to the day!)
sushi - 8
lentil soup - 4
whole wheat roll - 2
chocolate - 1
apple - 1
crackers with bruschetta topping - 3

So total points were 22. The lentil soup had a ton of veggies in it, so my day was not as bereft of fruits and veggies as it first appeared....but still, not perfect. (Aiming for 5 fruits and veggies, I think I scored perhaps 4. Maybe 3.5.)

I poured myself a glass of wine to go with dinner, but only had a sip or two - just not worth it to me. I should have had a banana instead of cranberry bread, and I knew it, but still....not too bad. Not bad at all.

Every day counts. Today counted in the right direction.

Wonderful words

I discovered this on another blog, and I'm really mulling it over right now, and letting it sink in. Maybe it will resonate with you, too.

Greatness? Yeah, Baby!
"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."- Marianne Williamson

Commitment

Today I tried on a pair of my go-to jeans.

They didn't zip.

So I registered for the Seattle Rock'n'Roll 1/2 Marathon on June 27th. Let's take care of this, for once and for all.

My initial training will be delayed because of surgery, but I'm going to get this taken care of, one way of the other!

The scale

I am back to my pre-cancer weight.

Insert your expletive of choice here. (sigh)

I know what to do. I must do it.

Happy new year

2009 has come in softly, quietly, and I hope that it's an omen that the year will be drama-free, focused on what is important, joyful, and filled with small gatherings of friends.

Last night was lovely and quiet, and I enjoyed "Meditation on a Candle Flame" which is a free podcast on iTunes. Check it out - it's wonderful for someone like me, because I have monkey-mind and having a guided meditation is so much more effective at keeping me focused on that which I'm attempting to focus. I wrote in my journal, had just one glass of wine, sat quietly with Ryan, and didn't attempt to go beyond the moment.

This morning, I baked fresh granola, and we had Paul & Libby over for our traditional New Year's brunch. (We've done it at their house, and at restuarants, but this was the first time in memory at our house.) Fresh fruit, home made granola, yogurt, coffee....a simple feast. Oh, with some home made cranberry loaf, too (which is actually very healthy).

Now, Paul & Libby are gone, and Ryan is working on his bike. I took Shep for a very rainy walk ("invigorating" is what I'm telling myself), and after I finish here I will change out of my now-damp clothes and then take Tessa to the Hisatomi's for a kid playdate. The moms are headed to "Marley & Me" downtown, and Randal is watching Tessa so that Ryan can have some much needed downtime....he's been working so hard, and taking little to no days off, and he needs some quiet, too.

And New Year's Resolutions? This year, I'm resolved to just keep going. I've made wonderful strides in lots of directions - health, family, work, home, greening, friendship, money, spirituality - and so instead of beating myself up and focusing on what needs to change, I am merely recommitting to those things that I'd been working on all along. I suppose that is a major difference from other years, where I've beaten myself up for what I had not accomplished; this year may be no different in that regard (or maybe it is) but my mindset has changed. My "to-do" list is always longer than humanly possible, but rather than focusing on that I'm trying to live in the moment, to tackle what I can do now, and then to enjoy it, too.

Speaking of which, I am so glad I cleaned house in symbolic preparation for New Year's. It was SO nice to wake up to, and we all feel inspired to put things away properly and to revel in the order just a bit more than usual.

Simple things. I used to think that simple things were for simple minds, but now I've realized that the simple things are often the most important, and the most difficult, and I'm trying to settle in with that.

Happy new year, everyone. I hope that you can live in the moment for a while today, too, and feel content in yourself.

Quotes for New Year's

These came to my inbox from belief.net, and I thought I'd share. Ryan is giving Tessa a bath, the dinner dishes are put away, the chimes are tinkling softly, and the house is clean, and my mind is ready for a relaxing evening with Ryan, candles, and my journal. Bliss!
---------

New Year's"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." -- Edith Lovejoy Pierce

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." -- Hal Borland

"Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past." -- Henry Ward Beecher

Ahhh

Okay, so I'm nearly ready for the new year to begin.

Fresh sheets on the beds, clean bathrooms, vacuumed and dusted, the kitchen tidied, Tessa's room re-organized, the family room put back into order. Pet food back in the cupboard, the car through a car wash and gassed up, groceries stocked up.

Symbolically, I'm ready for a fresh start. I'm ready to recommit to all those things I'm working on so hard, and I'm ready for the newness of the coming year. I'm hopeful, this New Year's Eve, that next year will be easier.

So tonight, our family will be here, together, snug in our home, as the wind howls outside. I hear the chimes tinkling madly as the wind throws them around, and it is music to me. Ryan and I will share a special bottle of wine, and I think we'll both write in our journals. Tessa has a special bottle of sparkling cranberry juice that she picked out, and we will all toast one another.

We usually do a party with Paul & Libby, sometimes even a formal party, and I've loved that for many years. This year, though, the quiet feels just perfect. We'll still see Paul & Libby tomorrow, but tonight will be calm, reflective, and peaceful.

Happy new year, everyone.

What first?

I'm tackling my "to do" list. No fun, no fun at all.

But I'm determined to bring in the new year on a good note.

Finishing up Christmas 08, preparing for 09

Today was the family Christmas party at the Ochoa's home. Almost all of us were there, and I enjoyed everyone's company immensely, and felt gratitude for extended family.

This morning, we also went to church, for the first time in a while. I'm so glad that the snow is melted and gone! It was peaceful to sit in our familiar seats, listening to a sermon about sacred spaces. (More on that some other time, perhaps, as I was filled with thoughts of my own sacred spaces.)

And then this evening, after the family party, a surprise get-together with the RE (religious education) council - incredible women whom I adore. They are refreshingly honest, thoughtful, intelligent, and open, and I am a better person for their friendship.

(This is very non-chronological. It is what it is.)

Our Christmas tree is down, and our house is relatively back to normal. I like to keep the outdoor lights up until New Year's Day, so they are all that remains of the holiday. (Well, that and the pile of toys in Tessa's room!) This is an interesting time of year for me, because once the tree goes away, I really start to reflect upon the future. The past is past, and now I'm looking ahead to the fresh start of a new year, a return to schedules, to new goals and accomplishments. I'm thinking about writing - lots of it - and about healthy food and time best spent and running again. I'm thinking about what to do more of, what to do less of. I'm thinking of my mothering, and wondering how to be a better mom. (Oh, I'm good, and proud of it. But there is always so much room for improvement, and unfortunately I'm no exception.)

I also get to reflect on what has gone well. My green life is greener by the day; my marriage is stronger; my frugality gets easier instead of harder. I'm delighted by my spiritual wanderings, and the direction that I am headed, and feel great peace from it. I'm proud of home made bread, granola, stock, soup; I'm proud of organic inroads (this year we converted to organic beef and mostly grass fed....which means much less beef!). We're on a plan to get debt free, and we have a ways to go, but I'm proud of that, too.

So, I'm looking back, and looking forward. Honoring what I have accomplished, while striving to better myself and to acknowledge my failings. It's a tough line, and not always easy.

And while looking forward, I'm trying to acknowledge but not focus on the upcoming surgery. It feels like it's galloping towards me and I'm not ready.....I'm not ready at all. I desperately want it done to get out of discomfort/pain and to not look so weird and to not have trouble sleeping because of the expanders....but I hate surgery. Hate hate hate it.

So much to be grateful for, but losses in there, too.

Much to think about at this time of reflection.

Wrapping things up

As Boxing Day comes to a close, so does Christmas. The month of preparation - putting up the Christmas tree, putting up lights, sending out cards, shopping for gifts and wrapping them (though that didn't take long this year, as it was a slim year in that regard), drinking cocoa out of snowman mugs - is coming to an end until next year.

I am always so excited to begin Christmas each year. Ryan laughs at me, because I'm childish and I admit it, but the minute the Thanksgiving leftovers are tucked away, I just want my tree! But it is also true that after a month of having a tree, I am always ready to take it down.

Tonight, after our friends left, I took down the card holder, and lovingly reviewed each card again before I tucked them away. The first bin came down from the attic, and has been loaded with the first of the Christmas dishes. The Nutcrackers are back in their box; the snow globe is put away. There is still much work to do - stockings, tree, outdoor lights - but I like to begin on Boxing Day. Tomorrow I think I'll work on bringing down the tree, and our house will return to normal.

I like to begin the new year with a fresh start - I don't like Christmas stuff to be up, because I like things to be fresh and ready like a blank slate. I like to start the new year with clean laundry tucked away, fresh sheets on the beds, the dishwasher emptied. I'm also on a de-clutter fest, trying to get rid of the excess that we have accumulated. (Why? Why do we fight clutter so much?!)

I'm also thinking about getting rid of the excess around my middle. I have fallen off the wagon, and my pants are proving it. It's ridiculous, really, and after three days of feasting I feel excited about living on vegetables and soups for the next few months. I have had enough, and I'm looking forward to returning to better health.

I only have 13 days until my surgery. The new year brings what I hope will be my last surgery; I pray that the results will be good enough to deal with for 15 years (when I'll have to have the implants replaced). I am so very, very tired of the journey of breast cancer, and I want my body back. Or at least I don't want to hurt all the time.

And so I'm packing up the old year along with the ornaments, not forgetting it, not throwing it out in the trash, but setting it aside in boxes and looking forward to new things.

Boxing Day

I am attempting to not think about Janet obsessively. She wasn't my friend, she was a person on the internet. That is what I am telling myself. It is true that I didn't know her closely. But she had been there since I arrived at YSC, and I just thought she was a permanent fixture, no matter what the odds. It hurts to be wrong in this way.

But I am moving on.

We have a few friends coming over this afternoon for companionship and prime rib sandwiches. I am looking forward to their company, to the relaxed atmosphere of it, to enjoying each other's company.

Happy Boxing Day, all.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/26/opinion/26flanders.html?_r=1&hp

Our holiday giving was before the holiday, but I do love the tradition of helping the less fortunate.

Another loss

Janet, one of the YSC girls, is gone. She died peacefully - after a very unpeaceful journey with metastatic cancer - on Christmas Eve.

Logging in this morning to read the news left me stunned. She had such a large presence, wit, humor - how is it possible? The world suffers at her loss. I suffer.

Prayers to those who knew her in real life, to her husband Brian, to all those who love her.

One word answers

The trick here is to answer each question with only one word - not as easy as it seems. Here are the questions, with my answers, copied from the YSC boards. It is amazing to me how revealing the answers are when I read others' responses. I hope that you'll play, too, and post your answers here.

Have fun!
----------------
1. What time did you get up today? 8:00
2. Your significant other? mine
3. Your hair? long
4. Your Skin? ugh
5. Your Mother? loving
6. Your favorite thing? motherhood
7. Your dream last night? unknown
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? living
10. The room you're in? dining
11. Your ex? Who?!
12. Your fear? Leaving
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? celebrating
14. Where were you last night? friends'
15. What you are not? cruel
16. Muffins? nahhhh
17. One of your wish list items? Peace
18. Where you grew up? Victoria
19. The last thing you did? converse
20. What are you wearing? sweater
21. Your TV? OFF.
22. Your pets? Wonderful!
23. Your computer? connected
24. Your life? grateful.
25. Your mood? Peaceful
26. Missing someone? Grandpa
27. Your car? Functional
28. Something you're not wearing? bra
29. Favorite Store? thrift
30. Your summer? Orcas
31. Your favorite color? Blue
32. When is the last time your belly laughed? recently
33. Last time you cried? morning
34. Favorite Food? raspberries
35. Hobby? read
36. Favorite actor? none
37. Favorite actress? none
38. What’s for dinner? salmon
39. Where did I lose my remote control? Table.
40. What is the meaning of life? Joy
41. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? Uninterested
42. Make a wish? Peace
43. What is your favorite sport? hiking
44. Fun game? Cranium
45. Least liked food? liver
46. What do you believe? Compassion
47. What are you looking forward to? grandchild
48. Reading anything good? YES!

PS Last time I cried - this morning it was happy tears. Ryan made me a beautiful montage of Tessa pictures, set to music, and it was just so lovely...

Wake up! Wake up! Santa came!

And so began our morning, as it should be.

Santa delivered Tessa the right gifts, and she is currently lolling about on the living room carpet, in her Christmas nightgown, (red and white, of course!), reading new books, playing with small new horses...content.

Ryan's taking a little nap.

I'm here, checking in online with friends, and ever so grateful for my favorite gifts from Ryan. Ryan made me a montage of pictures of Tessa, set to the music "She's got a way about her" by Billy Joel, and as I watched it I cried. Every mother knows how beautiful their child is, and I am no exception. Looking at her face - from bald, to wispy curls, to lush and long - brings me a joy I had never imagined. Ryan also gave me a gorgeous book of poems with a note that he would read them to me in bed at night.

It is obvious that I am RICH. Among the wealthiest of kings, actually. Money is not wealth. It's nice, of course, and we could always use more, but poetry, photos, ponies, family....this is all I desire. (Oh, and chocolate. And I got that, too! And coffee. Yes, coffee.)

Last night we dined with Michele & Dave at their home, and it was beautiful; today we'll brunch with our neighbor friends Sarah & Steven (I made a bacon & egg strata that I'll pop in the oven in just a few minutes, so that we can bring it hot); we are not yet sure what we will do about dinner (travel to Woodinville to be with family as planned; walk a block to join Kathleen, Jim, and Elena; or pop our own roast in the oven) because the weather is so very.....icy. Whatever we do, it will be wonderful, and we're so glad to have the chance to have this beautiful life.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Altered plans

Church was canceled, and we had really looked forward to it. Drat! This weather, while often beautiful, is starting to get a little old. It is supposed to snow another 1-6 inches tonight...how can that be possible? Much of the snow melted today, but it is still a crazy mess out there, and though we only drove a mile or so today it was rough going.

Instead of church, we were able to attend dinner with our dear, dear friends Michele & Dave and their sweet boys, Elliott and Everett. Michele cooked an amazing dinner (I may never be able to button my pants again, but that is what resolutions are for....!), and the companionship was just...well, perfect.

We used the service that Rev. Peg sent out, singing carols, sharing readings, and telling The Night Before Christmas. We also included a story of Jesus' birth.

If anyone is looking for a UU Christmas Eve service, I recommend the lovely thoughts that our dear minister Peg put together.

http://westseattlereligiouseducation.blogspot.com/2008/12/christmas-eve-service.html

Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Love,
Kristina

PS Wrapping. Hmmm. Much wrapping to do for Tessa!

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Our day has been altered by the weather....but what else is new?!

It snowed again last night, and now we have a "wintery mix" of snow, ice, slush, rain - ugh. This is not the beautiful winter wonderland we had been enjoying so much.

Church was canceled this evening for safety reasons. Oh no! I had been looking forward to it so very much, and friends were joining us....

But we are recovering from that information, and we will be dining in style with Michele & Dave and family at their home this afternoon, because their family plans got canceled as well. We can walk there - hurrah - and so we will enjoy good cheer in their company, and were grateful for the invitation.

We are not counting on being able to drive to Woodinville tomorrow, but you never know. We bought a roast for the three of us, and we will celebrate Christmas here or there...but we will celebrate.

I hope that you are safe and warm, whereever you are!

Reality Check

Sometimes, I can be so petty. I try so hard to remember what is true, just, and beautiful in the world, but I get distracted from what's important so easily.

Last night, I got to experience a tiny little piece of how life is for some people. Tessa and I spent the night at Family Promise as evening hosts, with three homeless families.

I am humbled.

We stayed in a cold room, with only one twin sized air mattress to share. We had brought our own sleeping bags, so we were warm, but it was no fun to get out of bed into the cool air in the morning. Besides Tessa, there were three young children and a teen at the shelter. I don't pretend that I know what it's like to be homeless, but this tiny taste was enough to remind me of how incredibly lucky we are.

I heard some hard luck stories. I tried to be a good listener, to give and not to take.

And I was so, so, so grateful to come home today, into my warm home with comfortable beds, privacy, showers, a dog and a cat.

Thank you, Family Promise, for giving me this opportunity. I am humbled.

No new snow....new ice

It figures that this is the first time we need to drive!

Today it was warmer - mid 30s - and so some of the snow started to melt. (Not that you can tell now; every bit of the world is white around here still.) Now, of course, there is snow AND ice on the roads...it's gonna be slick.

I wouldn't go out, except that our church is having trouble staffing the Family Promise homeless shelter. So, in just a few minutes, Tessa and I will spend our first night in a homeless shelter, with other families. We will be hosting, but I am humbled with gratitude at the opportunity to do this. I pray that Tessa learns compassion through the experience, and that I can use my compassion and say and do the right things.

(And in case any of you have concerns: Family Promise has excellent screening. No alcohol or drug abuse, no domestic violence, no criminal records. We will be safe....and in the company of moms, dads, and children.)

Pictures of Snow

Here are some pictures from today and tonight (plus the one of kids on the swingset from Friday - love how kids gravitate towards it, no matter what the weather! Sorry it's fuzzy, it was taken through our screened window). Still snowing, 28 degrees right now.

Still snowing

It is STILL snowing. It's unbelievable to me that it continues to snow, day after day, almost without letting up. I hear that tonight we might get up to six inches, on top of what we already have. At this rate, I believe it. Not including the snow that melted earlier in the week, we have about a foot of snow here at this point.

We spent some time walking to the Junction and then sledding down a little hill near our house....and it was fabulous. Now we're at home watching movies - very relaxing.

Stay warm, people!

Safe and warm - again

Well, despite some gusting winds last night, we did not lose power, and we are all snug and warm inside. We will not be attending our family Christmas party in Bothell today (drat!), but we will enjoy our West Seattle community. We haven't left the house yet, but according to the West Seattle Blog (LOVE those guys) the roads here are an icy mess. Our car will stay in the garage.

Best wishes, everyone!
xoxo
Kristina

Snow, snow, and more snow

Well, it's 8:18pm and all is well. The tiniest snowflakes are falling - but in abundance. This is not the big, wet, fluffy snow that I'm used to around here, but tiny little crystals. When I look outside in the dark, at first I don't even see that it's snowing....but if you step outside you quickly realize that it's snowing hard. We went to dinner at Heather & Randal's (thank you!) and by the time we came outside, 3 hours later, our car was completely covered in white and the steps were coated in a fresh blanket of snow. (We drove the five blocks because it's COLD. Last I checked, it was 25 degrees out.) It's breezy, and though the wind isn't strong it's cold, and wet, because the tiny flakes blow at the slightest breeze, and so snow is flying off rooftops and trees in addition to falling from the sky. I'm glad to be inside now.

Tessa is being tucked into bed, the cell phones are charging, and I think I'm going to have a nice cup of hot tea soon.

My deepest wish tonight is that everyone will find safe refuge from the storm, and be able to feel peace and comfort indoors. This is no time to be outside.

(Our cat doesn't usually use his litter box, preferring the outdoors, but he's grateful for it today. Shep is joyful in the snow...but comes back in pretty quickly. Yes, we're stocked up on dog and cat food, too.)

Much love,
Kristina

Safe and warm

Well, Winter Storm 2008 is supposed to get a lot worse tonight, so we are battening down the hatches and getting ready. Laundry is caught up, the dishwasher is running, and Ryan is picking up extra groceries "just in case" because we're expecting more snow, wind, and ice - brrrrr!

We are hopeful that we will be unscathed, and that we will enjoy family time with board games, hot drinks, and reading. Maybe we'll read "A Christmas Carol" aloud by candlelight, fi it comes to that.....rumor is that the power might go out. We have a propane BBQ with a side element, so I figure we can at least make cocoa on that.

I am so grateful for warm clothes, warm food, and a warm house. I am grateful for caring friends and family, and a neighborhood community where i can walk to get what I need.

If any of you (our friends) locally find yourselves without power, call us, and if we still have power, then you can stay with us of course.

xoxo
Kristina

PS Probably 6-7 inches of snow on the ground, temps in the 20s, and the breeze is picking up now....but so far today, nothing remarkable, no precipitation of any kind. The predictions I saw said that at about 4pm we'd see the storm, and the storm weather was supposed to last for about 24 hours. Only time will tell what happens next!

A real snow day!

The view from our front porch... Another front porch view...

And from the kitchen door, the deck and back yard...

Well, after yesterday's false alarm, we awoke this morning to another winter wonderland. Just about every bit of snow had melted by yesterday evening, but as you can see from these pictures we have perhaps 4 inches right now, and it's still snowing.

I love love love it!

My only concern is that our dear friends the Wards probably on a plane at this very moment, headed to visit our area (and us!) from Panama. Fingers crossed that they will be able to land and get to their hotel. I'd planned on delivering a basket of goodies to the hotel for their arrival, but at this point I hope to give them the goodies in person....I'm not driving anywhere!

Happy snow day, everyone. Please stay safe and warm.

Edited at 9:30: Ryan swept our front walk to prevent ice at about 8am, and now you can't even tell, because it's really snowing now.

Snow day, but no new snow

The official announcement was made that there will be no school today in Seattle Public Schools. Still, the weather pattern is creating a donut with Seattle in the middle: snow all around, but no snow on us. I love snow, and I am still hoping for some nice fresh powder, but we will see. I suppose that anything is possible.

And in the meantime, Tessa has discovered how to belch and (ahem) fart on demand, and I am going to go insane today if that keeps up. She is in hysterics with herself....me, not so much. This could be a long day! (She belches. I say, "Tessa, that's not polite." She does it again. I say, "If you do that again, there will be a consequence." And so it goes.....ugh. Giving consequences all day and dealing with her potential fits as a result does not sound very winter wonderland-y. Wish me well, please.)

The new armoire

Our 70s basement got an upgrade - love the new armoire. Thanks, Eileen!

Not cozy for everyone

Another cozy day for the Surface family. I don't think Mo has been outside in days (thank goodness for kitty litter), and Tessa and I haven't ventured outside today. If we get fluffy snow tomorrow, we'll go out to enjoy it, but today we are not interested in the rough ice.

But I'm thinking of others less fortunate.

I read an article in the Seattle Times about the plight of the homeless at this time of year, and my heart sank as I thought about it. Emergency shelters are being set up all over the city, and nobody is being turned away. (The UU principle is "the inherent worth and dignity of all people" and I think that this is an EXCELLENT time to practice that principle.)

Because this is not a good day to be homeless. In fact, it's the worst. Seattle's homeless are probably more ill-prepared for this kind of weather than most, because we don't expect it.

I am still involved in Family Promise, and will be helping out Christmas week as our church has several families staying with us that week. This time, there are four children in the program. Christmas is a hard week to be homeless. I am so, so, so grateful for this program, because the children (and their parents) may be homeless, but they will also be warm. We don't have checks to write this year, so I'm giving time, and we sorted through Tessa's toys for some to donate. I'll bake some special things to bring, too.

Because I am grateful, and I know how blessed I am.

If you have a chance to donate to a food bank, or a homeless shelter, today would be a great day to do it. If you see a homeless person on the street today, consider delivering them a cup of cocoa, or popping into a drugstore to buy them an extra hat or gloves or protein bars. I have to imagine that every tiny little bit helps right now.

Home again

This morning I was thinking about how to get Tessa to school, and she solved the problem for me.

"Mama, my head feels so heavy. It is very sad when you're sick on a snow day!"

Yes, honey, it is. But we'll be fine. Home again today, and wondering about more snow tonight.

Not frightful

As far as I'm concerned, both the weather outside and our cozy home are both delightful today.

On Saturday night, as Ryan and I cozied up on the couch in front of our beautiful new entertainment center armoire (hold on for more details about that) watching The Christmas Story ("You'll shoot your eye out!"), we looked outside to see flakes falling. By morning, several inches of powdery snow had coated everything in sight.

We kept the car in the garage, piled into snow clothes, and headed outside. Snow angels were made, snow was eaten (Tessa thinks this is marvelous for some reason), and Shep was gleeful despite his silly dog-boots and coat (gotta protect that injured foot, and if we only put one boot on him then he refuses to step on it, so we have to put them on all fours). We walked to C&P to hang out with the C&P crowd, then we walked to church, and on the way home from church we stopped and picked up some necessities (okay, are chocolate chips a necessity?!) so that we could be snug and carefree upon arriving home. Neighbors S&S came by for hot beverages, and Tessa alternated between playing in the snow and warming up outside.

And today? We're keeping Tessa home from school even though it's only two hour delays, because school is allllll downhill and we decided it's not worth it. Hours on the phone discussing the weather, and we're snug inside in warm clothes, with squash baking in the oven for squash soup this evening.

So it's icy and slick outside, but we're not feeling frightful. We're feeling grateful for a working furnace, a snug home, hot coffee or cocoa. I'm feeling grateful for a day with Tessa. I'm feeling grateful that Ryan can work from his office away from the office (aka C&P).

Stay warm and safe!

Kristina

PS Armoire: Boy did we get lucky with this one! Susan's kind friend Eileen was upgrading to built ins and a flat screen, and so they gave us their beautiful wood entertainment armoire and their bigger-than-ours TV. I really love it! We had a decent TV but a piece-of-junk entertainment center, and this is a major upgrade. I'm incredibly grateful for their kindness and generousity, and I'm also grateful to my parents for helping to pick it up and transport it in their van. I'm ALSO grateful that we changed the schedule to get it on Saturday, instead of Monday as planned, because the weather wouldn't have allowed it today.

Wise words

The YSC girls are suffering right now. New mets, new deaths, girls on the edge of death.

A couple of years ago, Mama Cath posted this in response to a similar wave of sadness. I'm trying to engrave these words upon my heart for comfort.

---------------------
It's happening again.

Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powelessness, the strength and courage.

I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhlemed. You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU. You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.

It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry. But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

So if you are checking the boards incessently right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.

So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.

Love,cathy

Anybody have a good Spaghetti alle Vongole recipe?

I'm making a pantry supper tonight, and I swear I've seen a dozen "good" pantry recipes for Spaghetti alle Vongole. I knew I had some canned clams and the rest, so I thought it would be a perfect simple supper.

I looked at 20 cookbooks. I looked on the web. Nothing I found was terribly satisfying; I'm concocting my own recipe now and it's simmering on the stove.

Anyone?

Feeling better, so ready, set....GO!

I am feeling halfway decent today for the first time in a long time, it seems. That means that I dropped Tessa off and took Shep for a long-ish walk (at a much slower pace than usual; he looked enviously at the dogs with running partners, but I'm not there yet), came home, and now I'm crafting my heinous to-do list.

I'm so grateful to be able to breathe again, but now it's time to tackle the stuff that fell behind while I sat on my rear-end willing myself to feel better.

Ready, set, GO!

TGIF

It's 7:30 on Friday night and I haven't fed my family dinner - Ryan' not quite home yet. Oh my! Tessa is contentedly doing an art project, and dinner is in the oven....and I'm exhuasted.

It was my best day since pneumonia came to visit. I got some things done around the house, and ran a couple of errands, and made dinner (crustless salmon quiche, a recipe from Corina that I've had for years and always intended to try). But now I'm exhausted, and it feels like a vice grip is on my chest. I will be glad when pneumonia departs.

Oh, one unintended side effect of pneumonia that I'm grateful for: the doctor made me step on the scale. Well, that was actually a little slice of hell (did it really say that?!) but it was a good wake up call. (That, and the fact that I was having trouble zipping my pants.) I've been much more careful about what I eat, and I've been eating a lot more veggies, adn thank goodness. I haven't weighed myself again since Monday but I feel much better zipping my pants already so that's something. The timing is terrible - hey, it's the holidays and fun to eat! - but excellent - hey, it's the holidays, so let's avoid adding more weight.

TGIF. After Ryan's long work week, illness in the house, and such, we're ready for some good down time as a family.

Pneumonia

Man, this has sucked.

I have NO energy. I feel like I could lay in bed all day - which is what I did on Monday and Tuesday. I'm still not very productive, and a small amount of activity (like walking up one flight of stairs) leavese me short of breath. Carrying a laundry basket makes me gasp a little and feel like someone is pushing on my chest.

Fortunately, Tessa is doing well, the doc gave her a clean bill of health.

But me? I'm really, really glad that I didn't go to San Diego, because I don't think I could have handled it. No, i know I couldn't.

But we could have used the money. :-(

Thoughts on survivorship: Living close to the bone

On the YSC boards yesterday, there was a post that explained things well for me, but also got me thinking. With the author's permission, I'm sharing it here.

I couple of recent threads have got me ruminating on why I check in with this board every day, why I read the mets board, etc. even though I'm three+ years out. Here's what I've found: I don't know anyone on here in person, or how you act in your private life, but I do know that when we come here, we discuss stuff that's real. I feel we are authentic, even when we're mean and crazy bitches. Maybe the anonymity helps. We express depths of real love and vitriol here that I doubt we do IRL, at least as often.

Most of the people I know IRL are not living an authentic life; not even close. I call it living close to the bone, or actually inhabiting your own body, if you know what I mean. They stress about things I cannot relate to and have totally bought into their thinking. I can't bear to be part of a conversation anymore that's focused around gossip, who's got what, whether your kid eats broccoli or not, how the teacher is mean and doesn't like your child when I've met your child and he's an asshole. I had a conversation last year with a friend who was *irate* that the deli counter at Safeway did not keep their posted hours and she really needed some smoked turkey. Sent her husband back the next day to give them a piece of her mind. AYFKM?

For example, as you're sitting at the computer reading this, stop for a minute and look around. What's on your desk...notice things. Feel your body sitting in the chair. Are you uncomfortable or in pain? Do you notice your foobs? Expanders feel like rocks? Are you blessedly comfortable and thankful for it? I feel like we are more in touch with our bodies because of cancer, and thus our emotions, because we have experienced "extreme living." You probably do that awareness exercise regularly and don't even notice it. You may even be *gasp* thankful for the little things. I'm not naive enough to think there aren't some shallow broads around here, but for the most part, this is what cancer does to us. We notice our real selves because we can't hide from it anymore.

I feel like, whether we like it or not, we've woken up, and I find it refreshing. That's why I stick around. I like your perspective and the realness that you present here. I'm sorry it takes a near death or an imminent death experience sometimes to live close to the bone. There have been threads started here about whether cancer has been a "blessing." I don't phrase it that way myself, but I thank God that at least now I'm awake, and have a place to chat with others who have woken up too. It keeps me from going back to sleep.

Peace lovely ladies,M2M

Just to be clear, I think that I have been blessed with the most amazing friends that a woman could ever hope for, ever, in the history of time. I do not believe that I do not express love and vitriol (love that word!) in real life that I express on the boards; I know who my friends are and I'm passionate about them.

Still, there is truth to the whole thing.

In real life, my friends and family (in a general sense, not thinking of specific people) do not understand my need to have a breast cancer community, especially when so much of what happens deeply saddens me. (We lost another sister this week. I can not express how it feels.) I also think that many friends and family wonder what I get from the boards that I do not get from real friends.

I have not got breast cancer friends in real life. This shames me. I have not been able to handle the fierce love, protectiveness, and fear in real life. On the boards, I can observe, and try to understand.

Some of my friends are "awake" without the curse of a life-threatening disease. I don't think that I was "asleep" before my diagnosis, but I do think that I am WIDE awake now.

Here is my response to the post:
M2M, that was just so right. Thank you.

I am awake, and I never want to go back to sleep. That is true. Although it is so, so tiring to be so "on" all the time. I try so hard to stuff my life with meaning and truth and thoughfulness and consciousness that it can sometimes exhaust me. I don't want to lose the perspective of how precious life is, but it has come at such a cost. Was I really that asleep before?

Rhetorical question, of course.

I come back all the time because I need to. It is as simple, and complex, as that. M2M, you've given me a lot to think about....and I'm thinking. Thank you.

Saved by Santa

Tonight Tessa had a full on fit.

The kind with slamming doors, angry words, stomping feet, and growling. Yes, when Tessa is THAT mad, she growls.

I was at my wit's end. I recognized that she was tired after coughing half the night, but of course this behavior is NOT okay. We'd planned on driving by the Menasche house to see the lights; she lost that privledge. She pouted, stomped, cried, and yelled some more. Despite further admonishments, she then lost dessert for two days. It was getting really bad, and I was out of steam (and out of breath - just when I thought I was getting better, this took it out of me).

And Santa saved me.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Tessa stopped screaming at me (it was really ugly) and said, "Oh no, oh no, oh no, I don't want Christmas to happen! I wish it wasn't Christmas!" This caught me completely off guard, of course, but I had to ask what on earth she was talking about. Her answer? "I'll be good! Will Santa bring me coal because I was bad? Oh no, this is the worst Christmas ever......EVER......." and she commenced wailing.

First, I have to say that I have NEVER emphasized that part of Christmas. To me, Santa is all about the spirit of giving, love, and joy, and there's no way that I would have held him over her head like that. (Plus, I just didn't think of it. Tonight, if I'd thought of it, I was desperate enough to bring it up.) But she picked it up somewhere, and she was suddenly horrified by what could happen as a result of the evening.

This is interesting on several levels. First, that she actually DID have the knowledge that she was being bratty, despite her yelling at me that I was mean etc. etc. Somewhere deep down, she knew absolutely that her behavior was horrible, even if she wouldn't admit that in the heat of it. Second, that she apparently deeply believes in Santa Claus, even though I've dropped some hints about him. (She's not listening, apparently.) Third, I had no idea that Santa could save grownups. This might have been my Christmas gift, because Ryan's not home yet, and I'm tired, and dealing with a fit of this level was getting to the "I want to run away and hide" stage. Thanks for the gift, Santa. It was just what I wanted, and it fit perfectly.

Somewhere in her sobbing tirade, as Tessa wound down, she told me that I didn't love her anymore. Ouch. I made her look in my eyes and listen as I promised her that I ALWAYS love her, even when I'm mad. She told me that she believed me, but it broke my heart that she forgot how much I love her, even for a second. I tell her all the time how much I love her, and how nothing could make me stop loving her, and I'm horrified at the idea that she might have actually thought that I didn't love her in that moment. She was probably just yanking me chain, being melodramatic, etc., but that was hard to hear.

Yesterday all of this would have made me pass out, but today I was well enough to manage. Just barely, but well enough. I did some deep breathing meditation with Tessa, talked about how tomorrow was another day, talked about forgiveness and how Santa could see the fabulous girl that she is, and would probably forgive this transgression.

Sigh. Whatta day.

Two for the price of one

Well, Tessa was up coughing half the night, so I kept her home today. She is doing pretty well this morning, but we will go to the doctor. Enough of this already!

I also canceled my San Diego trip for Thursday/Friday. I was debating it for myself, still being under the weather (and it ws going to be a really busy, running all-over-the-place event, PLUS I was going to be filmed, so I needed to be on top of my game) but when I found myself holding Tessa for a couple hours in her bed starting at midnight, I knew that the game was up. The team is really understanding AND found a substitute, so I'm really relieved....

On to plan B. Or C. Or K. Or S. Or whatever plan we're on now!

My massive to do list

- write Solstice Play
- Prepare for San Diego/Genentech speaking engagement
- Prepare for Sunday's service (story for all ages)
- Write a book! (Hunts Point)
- Pick up holiday cards at Costco
- Send holiday cards (write, stamp, etc)
- fold about 30 loads of laundry (washed, not folded)
- return phone calls
- hang Christmas lights, make swags and hang them
- Did I mention the laundry?

There is so much more on my list, but none of it is getting done today. I have given myself the day off so that tomorrow I can go full tilt and so that on Thursday I can fly out and do my whirlwind trip.

Fingers crossed that this strategy works. I am DONE being sick, but being sick is not done with me. I'm on day two of the five day course of antibiotics, and don't feel any different, but tomorrow will be a better test of whether they're working.

Pneumonia. I mean, c'mon.....really?! Ridiculous.

Well that's a bummer

I just got back from the doctor and the pharmacy.

I was diagnosed with pneumonia - bummer. I'm on antibiotics and I'm to lay low for two days. Hopefully I will be well enough to fly out on Thursday, bright and early....!

Fuzzy head

Fuzzy head, tight chest, sore throat, wahhhhhh.

I have a 10:45am doctor's appointment.

The dangers of Google

Okay, so I'm feeling progressively more crummy, so I start to Google my symptoms.

I'm either looking at influenza or pneumonia - ugh. I need to get myself to the doc tomorrow because if I have pneumonia I want to treat it asap before it gets serious. Not to say that I have pneumonia - my medical degree is still missing - but the symptoms do align.

Bummer.

I guess I'm just glad that it's not Christmas yet....could be worse.

But I want to feel better.

sick

Ugh - I have a minor cold that has moved into my chest and become something a bit more than minor. I'm spending the afternoon on the couch, not doing much. Sigh. Tomorrow is a field trip with Tessa's class, but I'm going to try to figure out a way to go to the doctor, too, because the coughing is a bit much for me.

Oh well. I'm glad that the tree is up, that the Christmas cards are ordered (and waiting for me at Costco...darn it, I wanted to get them today but don't have enough energy left), that the turkey soup was made (so I didn't waste the carcass - and by the way, the stock was YUMMY!), etc. I have leftover pumpkin from the pumpkin pies - grown next door - and when I get energy I'll make pumpkin risotto one night this week. Yum.

But not today. Today I'm on the couch. Sigh.

The holiday season

The holiday season is officially in full swing around here. As evidenced by the pictures in previous posts, Thanksgiving is past, and the Christmas season has arrived.

The tree is up, and as I type I can see it twinkling in front of me. It's filled, as it is every year, with ornaments that are really just symbols and memories, as that's how I like it. Nothing on the tree matches, but each ornament reminds me of someone or of some experience. There are so many given to me by Carolyn, Susan, and Corina over the years; there is the one from my first trip with Ryan (to the southwest; we traveled well together and I thought "well that's a good sign!"); there are "baby's first Christmas" ones with the date 2003 on them. The list is long - we can't fit all of the ornaments on the tree anymore - and happy.

Tomorrow I'll take down the Tibetan prayer flags (I don't know what they say, so I imagine that they are prayers for peace: personal peace and world peace) and put up the lights. Tessa is gleeful that our home is becoming so decorated, and wore her Santa hat with pride today.

I am intensely grateful for these small pleasures. These rituals and traditions are so important to me in the holiday season, and they keep me grounded in the middle of the consumerist drive that has taken over so much of the holiday season.

This year, I won't be much of a consumer. We are doing everything we can to cut back our holiday spending, and we hope and pray that we don't offend anyone in the process. I'll be baking and sharing the baked goods; there will be small hand made items; there will be time shared with friends and family. What there will NOT be is giant piles of expensive presents under the tree, but this is a-okay with me. Really and truly it is. I'm being forced - and feeling happy about it - to pay attention to the love and peace and festivities of the family season, and not pay attention to the compulsion to shop, shop, shop.

So I will take time to visit holiday carousels, to read "A Child's Christmas in Wales" aloud with the family, to drive around seeing the holiday lights, to go ice skating, to make fancy cookies, to watch an old holiday movie, to share wine with a friend. We will feast on Christmas day with family, we will attend Christmas Eve service, and hopefully we will be filled with gratitude all the while.

As for me, I'm grateful to be alive. There's an edge to saying that, because I still feel the fragility of life much more closely than I wish to. My every day is interrupted by thoughts of cancer, and all of the zillion side effects that I continue to experience. But the silver lining is that I approach every holiday like a little kid. I'm filled with wonder that I get to drag a tree inside my house, bake cookies, and sing songs. I'm grateful to be alive, and that is saying something. It's bigger than it sounds.

And ho ho ho!

(I hope no animal rights activists are looking at that last picture. Mo has ALMOST forgiven us, because we promised to never do it again.)

Gobble Gobble Pictures

It was wonderful - every bit of it. We're FINALLY done with all of the dishes - we ran many loads, and washed many by hand. The stock is done and waiting for me to turn it into turkey soup; that will be dinner tonight.

The hand made turkey place cards were my favorite part. Each person got one at their place, customized and individualized by Tessa. ("Bopa" is Tessa's name for Grandpa Surface.)

Deck the Halls

Today we deck the halls!

The three of us, in Santa hats, put on our warm coats and headed to the Junction for an outdoor lunch at Bakery Nouveau and Christmas tree shopping. We ended up buying a beautiful Frasier Fir - less expensive than a noble fir, with silvery undersides to the needles, but the same beautiful shape - with our coupon at True Junction. Then, we loaded it up into the wagon, and we walked home, eliciting smiles from everyone we saw. Shep came along, and the four of us were playful and joyful and simply full of the good day.

Ahhhhhhh.

Now, we're getting ready to set it up in the living room....but first we must make cocoa and popcorn. It just sounds right, don't you think?

Deck the halls - fa la la la la!

Not done being thankful

The statistics:

Pies: 3 (pumpkin, pumpkin streusel, razzleberry)
Cranberry sauce: 2 (regular and meyer lemon)
Potatoes: too many to count
# of servings of stuffing Kristina ate: 4 (yes, 4. Over two days.)
# of guests throughout the day: 11
# of us at the dinner table: 7 + 1 (Leif didn't sit at the table, being only two weeks old, but he gets included somehow!)
# of loads run in the dishwasher: 3
# of bottles of sparkling cider left: 6

Thanksgiving was all that it should be. Mom Surface helped me peel potatoes in the kitchen, Ryan and Dad Surface watched some TV, Tessa ran around filled with excitement, Steven shared wine, and we all adored Sarah & baby Leif. Surface7 came by - all of them! hurrah! - and visited before the meal. The day was wonderful.

The food was pretty good too, if I may say so myself. The turkey (which I brined this year) was super moist, the "new" Meyer Lemon Cranberry Dressing was a hit, the pumpkin pies turned out (which was a concern - I'm more of a cook than a baker), the new dressing (bacon, carmelized onion, and apple with sage) was a hit, the potatoes were fluffy (thanks, Mom, for mashing them!), the gravy wasn't lumpy.

But I'm still feeling grateful for all that is in my life. Mostly, I'm grateful FOR my life. I do not take it for granted that I am alive, that I've been healthy enough to cook a nice meal.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

It's that time of year!

Cranberry Nut Bread time, that is.

Here's my recipe - back by popular demand

Cranbery Nut Bread

2 cups flour
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons shortening
1 tablespoon grated orange peel
1 egg, well beaten
1 1/2 cup fresh cranberries
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 9x5 inch loaf pan. Mix together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and baking soda in a medium mixing bowl. Zest the orange first, then squeeze the juice; top the juice off with the required quantity to reach the 3/4 cup total. Stir in orange juice, shortening, orange peel, and egg. Mix until well blended. Stir in cranberries and nuts. Spread evenly in loaf pan. Bake for one hour or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

My notes: the original recipe calls for chopping the cranberries; I find that this just muddies the batter and denies the eater that wonderful burst of tartness from a whole cranberry, so I leave mine whole. The original recipe calls for 55 minutes in the oven, but mine have never taken less than an hour. I ALWAYS double this recipe, as it goes quickly once it's out of the oven! I use one 12 ounce bag of cranberries for two loaves, even though that's more than the fruit called for in the recipe. Since the recipe doesn't say how to add the butter, I've always cut it in using a pastry blender thing, but I suppose melting it might have the same effect.

ENJOY! Right now our neighbors have one loaf, and I have five more in the oven, and one cooling on the stove. Mmmmm yummy. :-)

Busy, busy

Another busy weekend has passed. Ryan spent all day Saturday at the Habitat for Humanity site, helping to build a home that is partially sponsored by WSUU. I am so proud of Ryan's involvement in this project, and I hope that as Ryan nurses his aches and pains (they moved 32 yards of fill dirt as one of their tasks - not light work!) today he remembers the joy of having done good deeds.

Thinking about Habitat has made me so much more grateful for our home. I love our home - it is home in the truest sense of the world. As the holidays approach, I look forward to filling our home with family, friends, laughter, good food, and the like. I am grateful to live in a home that has become a center of gathering for so many people; I like how people here tend to show me that they're comfortable by joining in the fun, bringing a potluck dish, and the like. Home is where the heart is, they say, and it must be true because my heart is here.

Our church service was one of thanksgiving - not the holiday, but of actual giving thanks. Lovely thoughts; reminders of the blessings of our lives. Afterwards was an amazing potluck feast and time shared with the congregation. I am grateful to have become a part of this community.

Yesterday I got a blissful afternoon and evening to myself. I went downtown and met with Susan, and we wandered through shops without really buying anything (except a couple items from the Japanese bargain store where everything is $1.50), and then had dinner at Palomino's happy hour (what a bargain!). We talked, talked, and talked....and it was wonderful.

And today? Morning rush, then snuggles with new baby Leif, our neighbor, and now I'm scrambling to get the Thanksgiving menu in order, run ot the store, and get housework done in time to pick up Tessa from early dismissal. (Hmmm, what am I doing checking email and blogging, then? Better get running.)

Happy Turkey week!

Ahhh

That is the sound of the end of the week.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Tonight we'll enjoy some quiet family time, possibly in front of the TV, because we have all been running around like crazy. Maybe we'll do game night, maybe not.

Ryan's almost home, Tessa had a 4 hour playdate, and I made granola, baked bread, made soup stock with the chicken carcass from a couple of days ago, and folded way too much laundry.

Ryan did a quick assessment on our weekly budget and we came in UNDER!!!!! How is that possible? Yay, us! It makes the small sacrifices so worthwhile - hurrah for us.

I'm working on writing a press release for Alki because they won the Governor's Health Challenge; I'm prepping for my Genentech trip to San Diego in early December; I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving; Christmas lists are being made; I'm organizing the extended Dahl family gathering, and....well, you get the idea. Things are busy. The Hunts Point book is in there, too, and all of the usual cooking, cleaning, and carpooling.

Oh, and I'm writing a winter solstice play for church. Because I didn't have nearly enough to do with my time....! Still, it feels good to give back, to be involved in my community, to bond with friends and family over these activities.

Happy weekend, everyone.

Parent Teacher Conference

Our conference last night went even better than I'd expected.

Tessa's skills are up to par, she is doing well socially, and she's an "easy" student to have around. Her work is creative, she has obvious understanding of the material, and she's demonstrating growth in her understanding as she climbs the learning curve. Her work is detailed, and she demonstrates a strong grasp of the subject matter.

She sometimes is so focused on the details that she has trouble finishing her work. The teacher said, "This is about the best problem to have, though, so while we'll work on it, we're not worried about it." That's nice! We're also going to get her to volunteer info (raising her hand in discussion) about all subjects, not just the ones that fascinate her. (The teacher mentioned that as soon as there's talk of animals, Tessa will volunteer any amount of information about horses -no surprise there.)

So kindergarten is going well, and I'm delighted. She has no behavioral problems, she has lots of friends, she enjoys school, and she's learning. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

At home, Tessa is refusing to read things she once read with excitement - she wants us to read to her but does NOT want to read to us. The teacher said that is quite common, and to just let it go, since she's reading in the classroom. Tessa is in my reading group (I volunteer once a week and I work with two different reading groups) and she reads for me in that scenario....just not at home. This, too, shall pass. The advice was to just back off and let her be, and so that is what we will do.

(And fortunately, Tessa still begs for "just one more story!" no matter how many we read her, and this delights me.)

I'm prepping for a Genentech conference call so must run. Ciao!

Date night

I planned date night tonight, and I'm so proud of myself that I have to share.

It was parent-teacher conference night, and so Ryan actually got off work at a sane hour for the first time in weeks, in order to hear about Tessa's progress in kindergarten. (It was a fantastic report, and we are very happy with things.) We had also signed up for a parenting class from the Adlerian Society (a positive discipline approach) on Wednesdays, so the original plan was to go to the conference and then go to the class.

I realized that this is the wrong time for Ryan to have an additional class, so I canceled without telling him, and planned a surprise date instead. (I knew he'd be relieved, not offended, but that cancelation.)

I packed two bags - one with blankets, hats, warm coats, coffee mugs; the other with firewood and a lighter - and two camp chairs. We had an inexpensive Thai dinner at Alki, and then the best part - we had a beach fire. We set up chairs, snuggled up in our blankets, and we could see the twinkling lights of the ferries over the water, hear the gentle waves, and watch the stars in the sky. It was really relaxing there in the firelight, and a darned good idea if I may say so myself. I even snuck a little bottle of Kahlua, and we got coffees (decaf!) and added the Kahlua as a little warmer.

Stars, waves, fire - bliss. That bears repeating, and I recommend it highly. It felt like a mini-vacation, and it's only Wednesday.

A great deal!

Today I went to the pharmacy to refill a prescription (something we do pretty regularly here, unfortunately). I stumbled into a great deal that may interest others out there who are penny pinching....

Rite-Aid has a special coupon right now that gives you a $30 gift card per prescription that you transfer from another pharmacy to Rite-Aid. Ryan and I had four prescriptions at Medco, a mail-in pharmacy that our old insurance used, and so by transferring them to Rite-Aid for our new insurance, we're getting $120 in Rite-Aid gift cards. WOW! That's a nice little bonus at the holidays - they sell things we already use so we will certainly use the cards. Others out there might be interested in transferring, too. Our local Rite-Aid (on California in W. Seattle) has a really great pharmacist, bills directly to our insurance, and has been quite helpful, so I see no down side for us. Plus, they're only blocks away, so we can walk there.

I have been exploring couponing (which I never realized was a verb, by the way). I'm determined to be more frugal than I had been, and to speed up our debt reduction/elimination. I'm DETERMINED. And you know how I am when I'm determined - get outta my way!

I browsed frugal websites for about an hour last night; there are a lot of them out there. I signed up for CouponMom, and I've been learning about their programs. In general, couponing doesn't help my purchases, because there are very few organic products out there with coupons, and those products that are offered tend to be highly processed organic food, which is also not what I want. However, I am using the PCC 10% off coupon each month, and trying to shop their member days (the 15th and 16th of each month give a 10% discount to members). At the grocery store, I'm trying to buy only the sale meats when possible. I've realized that the only place I can afford eggs is Trader Joe's ($3.69/dozen for organic free range), and we'll live without eggs if we can't get to TJs before we run out. (I get slightly ill when I see the sale prices for non-organic eggs - under $1 sometimes. I just try to remember it's apples to oranges....)

My stainless steel coffee cup has paid for itself about 100 times, by the way. I got it in Spokane when we went to Caley's graduation (I'd been looking for the "perfect" one and found it), and I've used it almost every day since. We make coffee each morning, and I refill it throughout the day from our home coffee maker, and that keeps me out of coffee shops unless I'm meeting someone socially. My metal water bottles are also in daily use, and I simply refill them from taps whereever I am when I run out.

Enough rambling about bargain hunts, but if you find something I should know about, please let me know. I'm determined to be a great budgeter, and I hae a long way to go.

On other notes....
Ryan worked until 3am this morning, then was out the door at 8 (and frustrated because he was "running late"). This is not sustainable, and I am equally proud of his great work ethic and horrified at the lousy hours. I'm praying for a break - he needs to be with his family and have down time. T his working 7 days a week business is RIDICULOUS and I really hope that the end is in sight. Thanksgiving is going to save his bacon! He'll get a few days off and I have to imagine that they don't expect him to work then (shudder).

Tessa and I visited Grammy & Grandpa yesterday with the intention of helping my mom out because her knee is giving her problems, but she made us a gorgeous dinner and we had a wonderful visit (and I didn't help a bit because Mom can be as stubborn as I am). Tessa and I got in a swim, and Tessa was part dolphin, swimming under my legs and doing somersaults and leaping off my shoulders and swimming to the side, etc. There was a lot of laughing, and I loved that.

Today I'm doing a Genentech call about some other programs, and booking a trip to San Diego for another speaking engagement for Genentech. I'm keeping busy when I'm not doing the mom thing, and that's a good thing, although I don't know where to find all the hours I need.

And speaking of which, my computer break is over. Please remember to send me your bargain info and tell me how to keep to my budget without losing my mind - I will look forward to your tips!

Ethical Eating

This month's copy of UU World has an article entitled "Dinner Dilemmas: Ethical issues at the Thanksgiving dinner table," by John Gibb-Millspaugh. The article states the ethical eating argument as I've heard it stated before by the likes of Michael Pollan or Barbara Kingsolver or David Wann - to me, the argument for organic, sustainable, local food is pretty darn compelling.

It's pretty hard to argue with the idea that animals should be treated humanely, or that humans should not be forced to ingest toxic chemicals on or in their food.

But I ran into an interesting discussion on a blog I read, "The Journey" about the problem of the ethical eating argument. In short? It's really expensive. And the argument to eat "ethically" is elitist as a result, and can't/won't reach the general public as a result. (And because of the publication, it goes to follow, if this is what 'we' are preaching, then UUs won't grow, either.)

Yes, it is expensive. I say this with a sigh. We're struggling to balance our budget, and to make good choices about how we spend our money. When I stand in the grocery store, debating which products to buy, I feel a knot in my stomach as I face the price tags associated with different products. I buy $5 jeans from Value Village, but spend double the cost for my food budget to get organic milk, apples, and the like. We eat a lot more lentil soup than we used to, as a result. And eggs for dinner about once a week, in great part to cut our food bill.

So, on a personal level, I get it. Not as much as some people, of course. I know that I will get enough food; I am not struggling with poverty, but with choices.

Yet I feel deep within my heart that ethical eating is what we must do. I feel that it will save our bodies, our planet, and even our communities if we start to eat more ethically.

But we do have to figure out how to make it sustainable for our pocketbooks, too. And approachable for average people, not just passionate foodies like me, who have the means - including time - to follow through on their ethical eating desires.

The first step, I think, might be the hardest. I'm certain that it is possible to return to ethical eating practicies - hello....that's how people have eaten for all eternity not including the last 150 years! - but not unless people want to. The first step is for individuals and communities to decide that what they deeply want is ethical eating, and that they want to find creative solutions to help the less fortunate to eat organic, sustainable food, too, because it's good for ALL of us.

Right now, the crazies like me are committed. It's becoming mainstream to buy organic - WalMart and Safeway carry organic lines, so I believe that the ideas are becoming more mainstream, too.

But we have a long way to go.

We have a long way to go.

Writing

Ahhhh.

That's the sound of me actually accomplishing work on the Hunts Point book.

Grading the day

Tessa to school on time, breakfast in belly, and lunch in backpack: check

Dog walked: check

Laundry (mostly) folded: check

Floors mopped: check

Home made dinner using inexpensive ingredients that we already had: check

Remembering that it was early dismissal: check

Playdate after school: check

Tessa getting outdoor time (in the yard with playdate, playing in leaves and on swingset): check

Number of books I read to Tessa today: five

Volunteer time: about a half hour

Number of games played with Tessa: three (Break the Ice, CandyLand, and Dominoes)

Money spent today: $0

The kitchen is tidied, the floor is mopped, the dog and cat are fed. So, by many accounts, it was a good day, that I can feel good about.

I also have a list of what I didn't do today:
- work on the Hunts' Point book
- Call the PolyClinic to set up a payment plan for our latest big bill
- Make myself a dentist appointment
- Make granola
- Get some "real" exercise (the dog walk was only a mile or so)

Still, today I was relatively productive. I give myself a B. Tomorrow, the Hunts Point book is a priority in the morning, and visiting my mom is a priority in the afternoon.

Now, back to matching socks. Yawn.