Ethical Eating

This month's copy of UU World has an article entitled "Dinner Dilemmas: Ethical issues at the Thanksgiving dinner table," by John Gibb-Millspaugh. The article states the ethical eating argument as I've heard it stated before by the likes of Michael Pollan or Barbara Kingsolver or David Wann - to me, the argument for organic, sustainable, local food is pretty darn compelling.

It's pretty hard to argue with the idea that animals should be treated humanely, or that humans should not be forced to ingest toxic chemicals on or in their food.

But I ran into an interesting discussion on a blog I read, "The Journey" about the problem of the ethical eating argument. In short? It's really expensive. And the argument to eat "ethically" is elitist as a result, and can't/won't reach the general public as a result. (And because of the publication, it goes to follow, if this is what 'we' are preaching, then UUs won't grow, either.)

Yes, it is expensive. I say this with a sigh. We're struggling to balance our budget, and to make good choices about how we spend our money. When I stand in the grocery store, debating which products to buy, I feel a knot in my stomach as I face the price tags associated with different products. I buy $5 jeans from Value Village, but spend double the cost for my food budget to get organic milk, apples, and the like. We eat a lot more lentil soup than we used to, as a result. And eggs for dinner about once a week, in great part to cut our food bill.

So, on a personal level, I get it. Not as much as some people, of course. I know that I will get enough food; I am not struggling with poverty, but with choices.

Yet I feel deep within my heart that ethical eating is what we must do. I feel that it will save our bodies, our planet, and even our communities if we start to eat more ethically.

But we do have to figure out how to make it sustainable for our pocketbooks, too. And approachable for average people, not just passionate foodies like me, who have the means - including time - to follow through on their ethical eating desires.

The first step, I think, might be the hardest. I'm certain that it is possible to return to ethical eating practicies - hello....that's how people have eaten for all eternity not including the last 150 years! - but not unless people want to. The first step is for individuals and communities to decide that what they deeply want is ethical eating, and that they want to find creative solutions to help the less fortunate to eat organic, sustainable food, too, because it's good for ALL of us.

Right now, the crazies like me are committed. It's becoming mainstream to buy organic - WalMart and Safeway carry organic lines, so I believe that the ideas are becoming more mainstream, too.

But we have a long way to go.

We have a long way to go.

Writing

Ahhhh.

That's the sound of me actually accomplishing work on the Hunts Point book.

Grading the day

Tessa to school on time, breakfast in belly, and lunch in backpack: check

Dog walked: check

Laundry (mostly) folded: check

Floors mopped: check

Home made dinner using inexpensive ingredients that we already had: check

Remembering that it was early dismissal: check

Playdate after school: check

Tessa getting outdoor time (in the yard with playdate, playing in leaves and on swingset): check

Number of books I read to Tessa today: five

Volunteer time: about a half hour

Number of games played with Tessa: three (Break the Ice, CandyLand, and Dominoes)

Money spent today: $0

The kitchen is tidied, the floor is mopped, the dog and cat are fed. So, by many accounts, it was a good day, that I can feel good about.

I also have a list of what I didn't do today:
- work on the Hunts' Point book
- Call the PolyClinic to set up a payment plan for our latest big bill
- Make myself a dentist appointment
- Make granola
- Get some "real" exercise (the dog walk was only a mile or so)

Still, today I was relatively productive. I give myself a B. Tomorrow, the Hunts Point book is a priority in the morning, and visiting my mom is a priority in the afternoon.

Now, back to matching socks. Yawn.

A mother's day

Just a day as a mom.

I breakfasted with Tessa, packed her lunch, and drove her to Pascal's house to pick him up for our carpool. We went to school together, and while Ms. Coghill got the students ready for the day with their morning routines, I sharpened several hundred pencil crayons. (Really. This is exactly as exciting as it sounds.) Then, time for reading groups - two groups of squirrely, excitable little kids struggling to figure out if "hat" and "map" are rhymes, and if "hand" and "lamb" rhyme, and whether the picture is of a fan, fat, or can.

Leaving school, I saw a little girl come in from recess and land flat on her face - ouch! - on the pavement. I ran to her, scooped her up, checked in with her teacher, and carried her (she was small) to the nurse's office, where we wiped her up, put an icepack on her forehead, and I talked to her as she calmed herself.

Then, home, via PCC to pick up milk, maple syrup, and a few other essentials.

Now, cleaning up breakfast dishes, trying to ignore the mountain of laundry calling me to be folded, and prepping the basket of books to return to the library.

Pick up at 3:15, then straight to Jessie's birthday party. Come home from the birthday, make dinner.

It's a mother's life, and it just sounds so bland and flat when I write it like that. There are moments, certainly, when I think that the tedium will overcome me, and I long to stretch my mind or to focus on my own selfish desires....but still, it is worth it.

Today Tessa will told me who argued on the playground, and who told a funny joke, and what she did that made her proud. And I will know her school friends in the stories from my visits, and this will warm my heart.

And I will find an hour to work on the book, and maybe to even sit on the couch and sip coffee for a moment.

It's not always exciting, but it's my life, and I've fought hard for it. There is happiness.

Mistake

Today I "bumped into" an online calculator for life expectancy for breast cancer patients.

I plugged in my data.

It made me, literally, feel sick. The data went out 15 years, and it wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all.

Ugly, actually. Very, very ugly.

I am fighting back the tears and remembering that I am not a statistic. And I'm remembering that it didn't account for Herceptin, or my radiation, or my prophylactic mastectomy and oopharectomy.

I'm trying not to remember my multi-focal disease....four tumors in all (three of IDC: 2.1, 1.5, and .2 cm; one DCIS tumor of 10cm).

I'm trying to remember that my positive node was "barely" positive.

I'm trying to remember that new treatments come out all the time. I haven't even started the Zometa yet because I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I need ot work on the Hunts Point Book now. This is so very depressing that it weighs on me like a bus would. Hard to breathe.

Quiet morning

Today was Tessa's day to carpool with Audrey and Pascal, so I haven't even left the house.

Ahhhhh.

It's a day to work on the Hunts Point book; I need to get moving on that. It'll feel good to make some progress.

Tessa went to the doctor yesterday for some various aches and pains that wouldn't go away. I had hesitated to take her, as she appeared healthy to me, but she'd been complaining for some time and actually asked to go to the doc. Since I want to respect her, and trust her about her body, I went. The diagnosis? Growing pains.

And speaking of growing: Tessa is in the 35th percentile for weight, and 53rd for height.

Bargain hunting

I got two pairs of jeans, a pair of tan cords, five sweaters, a hat, and a scarf, for under $30 today. They were all consignment, and they were STEALS. One sweater is 100% cashmere, and neither pair of jeans (Gap and Banana Republic brands) appears to have ever been worn.

Yeah me.

My winter wardrobe was in a sorry state and I was running out of just basic stuff to wear each day, so this will energize me significantly. My jeans were just faded and looking nasty, and I needed something more substantial than t-shirts, which is what I've been wearing non-stop. And my favorite Old Navy sweater is faded and looks terrible - definitely seen better days and time to disappear.

The hat and scarf are for Tessa. But I'm just thrilled to have what feels like a whole new "everyday" wardrobe. (My special occassion stuff is good to go - I have dresses, heels, etc....it's the everyday stuff I needed.)

Ryan is working a zillion hours each week right now, and Tessa and I miss him. Hopefully things will ease up SOON because this is getting crazy!

Belief-o-matic

Okay, this is pretty funny as a concept, but it's also remarkably interesting.

http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx

You take a quiz with 20 questions, and then it tells you what faith/religion most closely suits your viewpoints; there are 26 religions to chose from on their list.

Try it - and I'm VERY interested to learn what it says, so if you'd like to share, I'm interested.

I was a little concerned that I wouldn't get a good UU score - what would that mean? - but I needn't have worried. 100% UU here.

Here are my top ten:
Your Results
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.
1.
Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.
Liberal Quakers (95%)
3.
Neo-Pagan (88%)
4.
New Age (83%)
5.
Mahayana Buddhism (82%)
6.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (81%)
7.
Secular Humanism (80%)
8.
Taoism (79%)
9.
Theravada Buddhism (70%)
10.
New Thought (69%)

The Monday Scramble

The house is a mess, the laundry needs folding, a book needs writing, food needs planning....and it's Monday morning.

Tessa is at school today, and Shep and I went for a lovely walk on Alki, so the day started "right." Now, I'm trying to keep momentum and go.....

Unexpected Free Day

I had set aside today on my calendar to help a friend paint her newly remodeled home before her baby arrives, but there was a change in plans (sick hubby - uh oh! - let's hope that the little one doesn't decide to come while Dad has the flu!) and suddenly I find myself with a clear calendar.

Oh. My. God.

I was very excited to help my friends, and I will do so on another day (possibly even tomorrow), but I can not begin to tell you what a gift a free day is. I've been running here and there, and I think I've started running in circles. I haven't had time to sit and think about what's important, and what's a priority, and what can wait, so I've been more reactive than proactive. I can't stand reactive mode - it's not my best, and things slip away that should be priorities, and somehow I get less efficient at just about everything, and too many things feel partially done and disorganized.

So, the first order of the day is to get my head in gear; to sit down and think about these things, and to come up with a plan. And oh, do I ever love having a plan.

Time to get busy!

Halloween Pictures

Plus one of Mozart, because he's mentioned that he's feeling overshadowed by the dog and he wanted to point out that he is a Very Handsome Cat.

Better late than never!

President Obama

Today I woke up so filled with hope, with joy, with gratitude. I am optimistic that America is learning that racism is foolish, and that we can start to undo the damage done for so many generations. I am optimistic that America has voted for peace, for integrity, for compassion for those less fortunate. I am filled with optimism. This election wasn't about race, but it sure made a huge statement about it - and that statement makes me so happy.

I do not forget that many people in my life probably woke up with pessimism today because of the election's outcome; John McCain had his share of supporters, too. To those people I will say that I hope that time will show that Obama will speak for you, too, and that time will allow your confidence in him to grow. I hope that you will find peace with our new president, and that your sorrow at McCain's loss will become overshadowed by the future victories of peace, economy, world relations, and other important political topics. I hope that you, too, will find room for hope.

I don't want to gloat. Yes, I'm very happy, and I am filled with feelings of patriotism that I haven't ever felt before. But I hope that there is room in this new vision of America for all people, not just for those who voted for Obama.

And for what it's worth - I thought that McCain's concession speech was powerful, full of integrity, well spoken. He sounded like a man of honor. McCain supporters should be very proud of his behavior last night.

Hangover

Okay, we don't have real hangovers, but in this house we're all a bit off.

Ryan's got an upset stomach.....and a big presentation at work.

Tessa stayed up late - with her Mama's permission - to watch Obama's acceptance speech, and this morning she woke up early. Uh, oh. This isn't pretty. ;-)

And me? Just dealing with the girl.....

But still walking on air.

President Obama

I am tearful. Tears of joy.....pure joy.

I've let Tessa stay up late to see our president elect speak. She doesn't truly understand the significance of this historic night, but she will one day be able to tell her grandchildren that she was a part of the excitement.

My president is a black man, a white man. My president was an atheist, is a Christian, loves Muslims. My president is articulate, intelligent, compassionate. My president is Barack Obama and I am so proud of America for voting for him.

I have so much hope. I am so grateful, so filled with hope.

President Obama, I support you. And I am SO HAPPY!

Me in the New York Times (website)

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/11/04/us/politics/20081104-election-user-submitted.html

OCD

I'm getting OCD about this election business.

1% of precincts reporting. My candidate is not ahead. My head starts to pound.

Hmmm.

In the news

I just did a quick news check, and found two references to the bake sale:

http://westseattleblog.com/blog/?p=11658
and
http://your.kingcounty.gov/votes/2008/11/fundraiser-outside-of-alki-polling-site.html

The West Seattle Blog has a nice picture of Katie & Linda at their shift at the bake sale, and the King County Elections website has a picture of Katie & me at our bake sale. (And an inaccurate quote, but that's a-okay......well intentioned, I'm sure.)

Election Day!

What's more American than a democratic election?

A bake sale to raise money for schools.

I spent the morning at the Alki Community Center polling station, at a table laden with baked goods baked by Alki Elementary parents. We encouraged people to vote, and then as they came back outside from their vote we encouraged them to buy something sweet to support the Alki PTA.

Maybe one day we'll live in a world where wars are funded by bake sales, and schools are fully funded by taxpayer dollars. Until then....I guess I'll bake! (Organic chocolate chip cookies, thankyouverymuch. Tessa helped, and then we printed red, white, and blue labels and Tessa helped me to bag them up in pairs.)

The atmosphere at our table was festive. We saw young and old, and many people who voted absentee ballot but chose to deliver their ballots to the polling station. We live in a very blue area, and people had a lot of Obama buttons, but we weren't conducting any kind of polls. (It was clear that the bake sale parents were Obama supporters, however.)

The children conducted a mock-election at the school, and it was clear that they had heads filled with thoughts of election day, as well. I heard children calling to each other, "Did you vote for McCain or Obama?" on the playground, and it made my heart sing to think of five year olds who feel involved in the political process. Right now, they are mere reflections of their parents' views, but hopefully they will keep their passion for voting for all of their lives, and continue to participate in the democratic process.

And our house? Well, we'll have the TV on, and the internet right in front of it, as we anxiously watch and await final results. We're having a few neighbors over to share this moment, and we're pot-lucking it.

Tessa and I looked up pictures of Obama's family, and Tessa pointed out that his youngest daughter is not that much older than she is. Tessa wants to write to Sasha and Malia to say how happy she is that they get to live in the white house. I hope that we get to write that letter!

Now, back to obsessively checking the web for early results....

The Day

Well, today is the day - Election 2008.

Last night I baked two batches of cookies, and bagged them in twos and put labels on them. This morning I will be at the Alki polling station, selling cookies to voters to raise money for Alki Elementary. (Alki is connected to the community center, and voting takes place at the community center.) It's raining, so I hope I don't get soaked- boots, umbrellas, and Gore-Tex are the order of the day.

I voted via absentee ballot, and those should have safely arrived at their destinations already. So today, besides selling cookies, all I can do is watch and wait.

A couple of neighbor friends are coming over tonight for dinner to watch the results come in - tonight is dinner in the basement, around the TV. One of Tessa's friends, Elena, will be coming, too, so hopefully the girls can entertain each other to refrain from boredom, because this Mama will be glued to that TV! We have a TV in the family room, and our other TV is in the guest room next door, and I suspect sometimes we'll have them both on, and I'll be on the NYT website, too.

This Obama Mama is hopeful.

Good night, Halloween

Well, another Halloween is put to bed.

Today I went to Alki for the class Halloween party, and Katie talked me into dressing up (okay, it didn't take too much pressure!). I went as a witch, and seeing the delight in Tessa's eyes as I walked in the room made it all the worthwhile. She loves it when Mama's silly!

I spent the hour painting children's faces - lots of cats, butterflies, and spiders. Children came back multiple times, to do the other cheek or a hand - it was very sweet.

Then we had the neighbors over for soup (using pumpkins from Sarah & Steven's yard), and then Elena and Tessa went trick-or-treating.

Lots of stories, but bed calls.....it was a good day.

This kind of thing keeps me going

http://www.jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/103108/met_350169631.shtml

A piece of the article:
Mooneyhan is believed by the American Cancer Society to be one of the oldest - if not the oldest - breast cancer survivors in the U.S. At 100, she is inspiring family and friends who marvel at her resilience after being afflicted with a disease whose mortality rate in the 1940s was as high as 50 percent.
Ernest Mooneyhan was 15 when his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1943. He still admires her ability to cope with breast cancer at the young age of 35.
"She's definitely been an inspiration to me," he said.

I like the coincidence of the age at diagnosis; I, too, was 35. I choose to see it as a sign.

Tessa

Tessa told me this evening, "Mama, I love you as much as everything in the sky: the sun, the moon, the clouds, and the stars...." and I thought I would melt. What a beautiful image for me to carry with me.

Tonight Tessa and I read, "Mama went to Jail for the Vote" which is about suffragettes - a topical theme this election year. Mid-way through the story, "Mama" has to go to jail for six months. Tessa's face crumpled, and I asked her about her worries. She said that I couldn't ask, that she couldn't say. This is what happens when she is most afraid - it breaks my heart. I tried to talk through her fears, and said that I wasn't going to jail. I jumped to the conclusion of the book, that Mama was released AND that women go the vote. It took a long time to reassure Tessa that I would not steal or hurt people, and that I wouldn't go to jail; that children don't go to jail (not five year olds, anyway) and that she needn't worry. Then we talked about voting, and how it has been legal for women for a long time, and that I've voted lots of times and I never went to jail, because it's okay. Poor kid! I had no idea the trauma that I was causing her with this story, but her imagination ran wild.

I'm grateful for a child with such an imagination, and such compassion, and such love. Most of all, I'm grateful that she let me comfort her even when she couldn't voice her fears. No, most of all, I'm grateful that she loves me so much.

Unsafe candy

I received this information from MomsRising.org and thought it worthwhile to pass along. Let's keep our kids safe!
--------------------------

We want to give you a heads up about some Halloween candy that could be bad for kids: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning consumers not to consume White Rabbit Creamy Candy or Koala's March Crème filled Cookies because they may contain melamine. (1) And, the Canadian government is warning the public not to consume Sherwood Brands Pirate's Gold Milk Chocolate Coins, which may also have reached the U.S. (2)
What's wrong with these candies? You've likely heard about the dangerous chemical, melamine, which was recently found in the Chinese milk supply and sickened thousands of children in China. We've now seen reports that melamine tainted milk has been used in some Chinese candy products that have been shipped to the United States. (3)
The good news is that Chinese candy makes up only 0.7% of the candy sold in the U.S. (4) and the risk of serious harm from minor exposure to melamine is considered low by the World Health Organization (5). That said, we wanted to send this out to you because we don't want our kids eating candy with any toxic ingredients.
*Please forward this email to friends, family, and your school email list so all can be on the lookout for this tainted candy on Halloween. (And, if you're not already a member of MomsRising, please sign on now so we can keep you informed: http://www.momsrising.org/fighttoxins)
MomsRising has created a page where you can easily share this information with friends, as well as see pictures of the tainted candies, get more information, and download a flyer that you can post on your school or other community bulletin boards.
See the Tainted Candy Pictures, Get the Flyer & Tell Friends Here: http://www.momsrising.org/melamine
Enjoy a safe and happy Halloween,
--Joan, Kristin, Katie and the MomsRising.org Team
1. http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/melamine.html
2. Here's the Canadian government's warning: http://www.inspection.gc.ca/english/corpaffr/recarapp/2008/20081008e.shtml The Vancouver Globe and Mail: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081028.wlhalloween28/BNStory/lifeFamily/home And an article in the Chicago Tribune: http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/features_julieshealthclub/2008/10/chocolate-coins.html
3. From Consumer Reports: http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2008/10/chinese_formula07.html, and Candy problem verified on Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/coins.asp
4. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-24-melamine-china_N.htm
5. "Consumers exposed to tiny amounts of melamine shouldn't worry, says Angelika Tritscher of the World Health Organization. 'Melamine at low doses is actually not considered to be very toxic.'" Quote from: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-24-melamine-china_N.htm

And some recent press coverage:
http://www.nationalpost.com/news/canada/story.html?id=868904
http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_10626959

Living on a budget

It will be no surprise to anyone who has ever lived on a budget that it is not fun to live on a budget.

On many levels, I do not like living on a budget. It's annoying at best; I find it frustrating and difficult.

But we're doing it. We really are doing it, and we have a plan to get out of medical and credit card debt and live a debt free (except the mortgage, which has a good rate and is 30 year fixed, so we've got that in our favor) life, and I am holding that goal close to my heart. I know that we can make some fabulous inroads on our finances, and that we can accomplish our goals. That is why our budget is a worthwhile venture....even when I'm not enjoying it.

A case in point? I want to go grocery shopping today, but it's not in the budget, so I'm not. This means that I have to eat the cereal that's left, and not the cereal that we just ran out of. This means that we HAVE to eat the salmon that I purchased at Trader Joe's, because we're running out of other options. This means that tonight or tomorrow we need to have frozen (gasp!) green beans as our vegetable, because we're running low on fresh veggies. This means that we can not have cheese and crackers as a snack, because I just ate the last crackers. This means that we will be eating apples, apples and more apples because that's the only fruit left in the bowl (no more bananas or pears). Tessa won't get "Mama's oatmeal" tomorrow because today we used up the rest of the maple syrup (she'll get scrambled eggs and toast, or cereal, or yogurt and fruit, instead....or she could have traditional oatmeal with milk and brown sugar and raisens).

When I put it like that, it's the abundance that I see - the fact that we still have so much left in the cupboard, that we have plenty to eat, that our choices are not just rice and beans. Still, it's an adjustment to live within a budget, and to not just pop in to the grocery store the minute that I want something different.

So, I'm putting crackers, and maple syrup, and bananas on the grocery list, and on Friday (next day of the budget cycle) I'll go shopping.

It's funny how budgets boil down like this - the way to get ahead is to eat the apples, instead of buying more bananas. Huh. Put like that, I think I can do it.

Even when I'm craving a banana.

I feel comfort knowing that if I *needed* to go grocery shopping, I could. I take comfort that I'm making a choice: I am choosing to live withing a budget rather than break the budget and buy some items I want. I'm also learning to redefine wants and needs: we do not need maple syrup when we run out of it, we want it. I also think that as I get better at this budget game, I'll learn not to run out of maple syrup....but I guess I'm not there yet.

It is interesting to me that at the age of 39 I'm finally facing true budgeting, and I'm realizing how easy I've had it for most of my adult life. Still, I'm eager to face this challenge and to rise to it, no matter how late of a bloomer I may be.

Lost iPod, or, Good deed gone awry

Today I decided that Shep and I needed some exercise, and since I needed a lemon for tonight's dinner recipe, I decided to walk to Thriftway. On the corner of Graham and California (a relatively busy intersection) I saw two large Newfoundland dogs come sauntering toward me, without a leash. They crossed the busy road to visit with Shep (who was on his leash), and I was able to grab one of them, and take my iPod phones out of my ears, find my cellphone in my purse, and call the number on the tag to locate the owner. The dog didn't like me holding her, so she barked at Shep and I, and it was a bit chaotic.

Anyway, the two dogs didn't want me to restrain them, so they took off at a good pace down the street. I followed them, trying to keep them off the road, and trying to keep Shep (who was pretty excited by all of this) under control until the owner arrived.

The dogs were eventually reunited with their owner, and all is well.

Except.

Except that somewhere in the shuffle my iPod disappeared. I combed the streets/alley with a kind neighbor, Lesley, who appeared to help, but it was gone without a trace.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We are watching our budget, and an iPod is a luxury item, and this was already a replacement for the unfortunate incident involving broccoli soup, the washing machine, and my previous iPod, so I don't see a replacement soon. I am so totally bummed by this it makes me really grumpy! I didn't want to go for a walk, I still feel kind of sick, and this was my reward for walking the dog and doing a good deed. I've grown super-fond of listening to podcasts and relaxing to music when walking, or running with fast music; the iPod is a good companion, and I'm really going to miss it.

I know, the good deed is supposed to make me feel good but I feel petulant and frustrated more than sweet and kind. Bah humbug.

Anyway, if anyone finds a white iPod Nano in the vicinity of California and Graham, I'd love to be reunited with it....

PollyAnna and The Curmudgeon

Yesterday I had my weekly appointment with a therapist. I perceive her a wise woman; she knows the right questions to ask. I talk a lot more than she does, but I still find myself having revelations in her office.

We're spending a lot of time figuring out how I feel about cancer. You'd think, after all of my ramblings here, I'd have a lot more figured out than I do. But I don't.

We discussed how I'd spent two years telling everyone that I was fine, that I didn't need help, that it would be okay. And we discussed my breakdown last October as the turning point for acknowledging that no, I am not fine.

And I don't know how to describe what comes after the turning point. Before, it was PollyAnna, pure and simple. Now? Every ache and pain sends a solid message to my brain: cancer did this to you. I can't open a jar? Because cancer took away my upper body strength. I wake up aching? Cancer did that. I have cavaties? Cancer. I have trouble sleeping? Cancer. My bones ache like an old lady, I'm covered in scars, I can't lift my arm up....Cancer, cancer, cancer. I hear how much it has taken away from me, how I'm old before my time, how things hurt that shouldn't. I see how damaged I am, body and psyche....

And I don't know what to do with it.

I mean, PollyAnna is highly overrated, but now I feel like the other end of the spectrum. I feel curmudgeonly - and that is NOT how I want to be.

So I'm working on finding that middle ground. The one where I can acknowledge that it's not okay that cancer continues to rob me of so much on a daily basis....but where I can let it go, and not allow those thoughts to take over with a little refrain that repeats itself in the back of my mind all day every day.

I'm starting to understand just how profound it was when Buddha proclaimed that it was "the middle way." It's so much easier said than done!

Good news!

Well, I'm completely surprised, but....

I am back to being a paid writer! The Hunts Point book got funding after all, and I'm off and running.

Wow!

Question for other breast cancer survivors

I posted this on the YSC boards, but who knows, maybe somebody out there in internet land can help me.

I opted for an oopharectomy and AIs (aromatase inhibitors) to fight my highly ER+ breast cancer. I started Femara in February 2006, after chemo while I was still in radiation, and I took it for two years. At the two year mark, the joint pain had become truly debilitating - I was having trouble holding a pen, getting out of bed, etc., and I was in a lot of pain. So, last February (2008) I switched from Femara to another AI, Aromasin. The side effects disappeared, and I felt relieved to be in the clear.

However, the side effects are back, and with a vengeance. Putting my feet on the floor in the morning is a painful experience. My hands ache, ache, ache and are losing strength. I'm a "fumblefingers" because I can't move fast enough and I drop things all the time. The joint or bone pain is getting serious.

The recommendation is a minimum five years of AIs, and there is talk in the medical community of ten years. That seems pretty difficult at this point in my treatment - I honestly don't know if I can do it, yet I feel that I must.

Has anyone made multiple switches of AIs? What risks are associated with switching AIs? Do they lose efficacy if one switches within the five year course of treatment?

And how do others manage the pain and manage to stay the course of treatment? Does anything help? I'm so leery of adding medication because I'm so aware of side effects, and because I've taken SO many meds already that I know I'm messing up my body...but is there an effective option?

Can anyone empathize? Any advice? Anyone?

And before you say it - yes, these are questions for my oncologist. I'm seeing her next month, and I'll ask her then. But I'm looking for the word on the street, out here in internet land, too. My onc has told me that if there are quality of life issues I have her permission to go off the drugs, but I don't want to do that. The AIs are part of how I can sleep at night, whether that makes sense or not.

Help! Thank you.

Lousy patient

You'd think that having 42 trips to the infusion ward, 33 radiation treatments, and 9 surgeries would make me a really good patient. I don't think so.

I have a cold or a sinus infection or some other minor nastiness. I feel like crud, my mouth tastes bad, my head throbs, my mind is full of cobwebs, and I feel achy. And instead of having perspective on this and thinking, "You know, I'm just so grateful to have a mundane illness with very little risk that today is still a great day!" but I'm not that wise. Instead, I feel grouchy and irritated and irritable.

Part of it is "C'mon! I had cancer! I'm still in treatment! Gimme a break!" and some of it is just that I feel crummy.

Anyway, it's not the end of the world and it will get better. Yesterday, I canceled my plans to have family over for dinner and I didn't go to church and I just sat on my rear end. Today I got Tessa to school, but I'm clearing the calendar again. I'll put away laundry, and I'll do some minor chores, but I think mostly I'll sit around feeling sorry for myself. Or not - I haven't decided. But I am going to take it easy.

I hope that you're having a healthy day.

Pictures

Tessa at the Alki Harvest Festival, wearing her Pegasus-Unicorn-Pony costume. She asked that I carve a horse and a bat on the pumpkin - yikes! I managed, but just barely. (But I can't tell her "I'm just not that creative!" because if she said that to me I'd pooh-pooh her and tell her that she needed to try, so I have to follow my own advice. How can I expect her to be confident and to take risks and laugh at herself if I can't do the same? The added benefit of this parenting philosophy is that I'm discovering more creativity in myself than I previously knew about....and I'm learning to laugh at myself when my creations flop.) The Royal Surfaces! Despite Tessa's first desire to be a pony, she reverted at the last minute to her desire to be a princess. Tessa is wearing a Snow Princess (self-named) costume, and her royal escorts are with her. Ryan is wearing his tuxedo shirt, vest, and tie from when we were married - and he's got a lovely brooch that I usually wear on my jacket at Christmastime. I'm wearing a dress I got years ago for a Murder Mystery dinner that was themed and in costume. If they had a group costume category, I'm sure we would have won. (wink)

And here we are, up close... Might I add that Tessa's crown squeezed my brain!

Earlier in the month, at the pumpkin patch...

Ahhhh - finally a moment when our daughter was looking at the camera! She loves to make the most outrageous, awful camera smiles, and it's hard to get a good picture of her as a result.

I really love Halloween. I love the chance to be a bit creative, to play a role that I otherwise wouldn't play, to dress up and be silly. I love the Hisatomi Halloween party, where there is lots of great food, fabulous people, and fun. I love going out to the pumpkin patch on a crisp fall day, getting muddy feet, and searching for the perfect pumpkin. (This year, our pumpkin is ENORMOUS - chosen by Tessa, of course.) I love coming up with fun pumpkin designs that reflect whatever mood we're in that year. I love facing our fears and laughing at them (which is what I believe all of the ghoulish things are about: confronting our fear of dying, and facing it). I know that some people feel that it's not a nice holiday, and I understand that there is room for more than one perspective....but I'm not worried about Halloween because to me it's not about being unkind, it's about facing fears, and having fun with friends. Our grown up lives are often so serious that I appreciate the opportunity to relax and be silly with the kids.

The top costume of the night was Joe Six-Pack - in this political year, it was a great commentary. One of the guests came in with a mullet wig, dressed like a laborer, with a twelve-pack of Rainier Beer on his shoulder. He was the hands-down winner in the adult costume contest, and got a lot of great laughs. The children's costume prize went to a darling little toddler in a woodland fairy outfit - she looked like a storybook picture. The other children's prize went to Yoda, who was pretty darn realistic looking.

I held it together last night until about 7, at which point my sinus infection kicked in and demanded that I go home immediately. Here I still sit, even as church is starting. :-( Ryan and Tessa went to church, but my germs and I are at home sulking. Wahhhh!

Wishing all of you a great day...

Kristina

Sick

I am at home feeling crummy. I have a sinus infection, and my head is stuffed up and foggy.

Ugh.

I'm in my bathrobe with a box of tissues. Whatta way to spend a day.

Undecided? Curious? Election 2008

My blog is not a political one, but in these last days before the election, it's impossible for me not to think about politics a lot more than usual.

Instead of stumping for my candidate (Go Obama!), I thought I'd be a bit more thoughtful and throw out some resources to people who aren't sure of the issues, or who have questions, or who are trying to figure out what is candidate spin and what is real. It's easier said than done, isn't it?

Here are some resources:
http://myelectiondecision.org/
This is a blind survey, which lists each candidates views on various issues, and you check whether you agree, disagree, etc. with each viewpoint, without specifics on whether it's McCain's viewpoint of Obama's viewpoints. At the end, you get a score for each candidate, and you can determine which candidate most speaks for your viewpoint. It's truly bipartisan - it doesn't use negative or positive language for either viewpoint, it just summarizes what the candidates themselves have said in each of five areas.

http://www.factcheck.org/
This website analyses the candidates' claims, and debunks what is real and what is not. All that negative campaigning is hard to sift through - what is real and what is false? This is a bipartisan website that researches the claims on both sides and presents the truth.

http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/
I've recently discovered this website, and I love it. It appears to be bipartisan - it doesn't hesitate to rake either candidate over the coals, and that's what I need! It has more information than factcheck.org, and that's good because my only complaint on FactCheck is that it doesn't have everything.

And then there are always the candidates themselves. If you can sift through the spin, you can at least find out what they are saying, and see their promises as they state them, not as their opponents state them.
http://www.barackobama.com/index.php
http://www.johnmccain.com/splash32615.htm
These are the two official sites. Beware of posers! Independent people have websites up representing either candidate, so make sure you know where your information is coming from.

This afternoon Ryan and I are going to go through our voter pamphlets and fill in our absentee ballots and deliver them safely to the post office mailbox. VOTE! This election matters. It's important that your viewpoint is heard - and I mean that, even if your viewpoint is different than mine. Vote!

More articulate than I am

The New York Times published their endorsement of Barack Obama in the opinion section, and I find it to be a thoughtful article. These are the reasons that I'm supporting Obama.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/opinion/24fri1.html?pagewanted=1&hp

(And for what it's worth, I get a lot of my news from The New York Times and The Seattle Times, but I cross-check it with Fox News and FactCheck.org because I want to see all sides of the issues, not just "my" side. I believe that the NYT generally supports a more liberal viewpoint, TST represents a more local viewpoint, and FN represents a more conservative viewpoint. FactCheck.org is nonpartisan, and a good place to verify various claims.)

Political talk and families

The country is really, truly divided over the issues of politics. I am so passionate about my own politics - socially liberal, fiscally conservative, pascifist (even while recognizing that war is out there and needs to be dealt with) - that I have to work hard at reminding myself that the other viewpoints are not evil, merely different.



That's how divided it seems: a battle between good an evil. How medievil of me, of us! The world is rarely that black and white, and politics are certainly no exception to that rule. It is so difficult to remember those distinctions of gray when one's heart and mind are set on a particular viewpoint.



It's hard for me. I pride myself on my open mindedness, and on my compassion towards others. Never is compassion put more to the test than with a difference of opinion. It is easy to feel sorry for someone who likes you and behaves like you but is having a hard time; it is harder to feel compassion towards someone who holds utterly different values, who doesn't like you, who doesn't behave like you.



This, I think, is the true test of compassion. Of course I feel compassion for my daughter - I love her deeply and her welfare impacts me at every level. But it's harder to support those who drive wars that I see as unjust, or who try to remove personal rights like pro-choice, supporting same-sex marriage, or other hot buttons of mine. I believe in separation of church and state, and I'm open to the idea that all religions have valuable lessons for us. I'm not opposed to regulation, or universal healthcare, and if these make me have the label "socialist" than I will accept that label. (And oh, just look at the bundle of worms I just opened....!)



The best way for me to look at this is to examine my family. I'm the most liberal person perhaps on either side of my family - the family I was born into, and the family I joined through marriage. I learned a long time ago how to make myself busy in the kitchen when political conversations came up, or to find a need to attend to with Tessa, or to find someone else in the room who wasn't talking politics. I know where I stand on the political spectrum.... and I know where my family stands. I don't feel a need to convert anyone, especially when I see that their passion is equal to my own and frankly they're not looking for conversion.



But you know what? I love my family. As individuals, they support me, love me, and share their lives with me. I do not always share their viewpoints, but this is okay. I know that they love their children, that they honor their families, that they do their best to do their best. I also know that one person's definition of 'best' is different than another's.



I do not judge them - or I try very hard not to - because I do not wish to be judged.



I know who I am, and I know what I believe in, and I feel good about those things. I am confident in my faith, in my politics, in my social, political, and religious viewpoints. I try VERY hard to live according to my own values, and to reach out to those less fortunate to myself, and to be a positive influence in my own small circles, offering smiles, friendship, and compassion to everyone in my path. I don't always succeed in this, of course, but I try to remember that nobody's perfect and to learn from my mistakes.



I have to learn the lessons over, and over, and over again. I make a lot of mistakes.



Anyway, in this election, there are many hot buttons to vote for, or against. It drives me absolutely crazy when people make their vote based on gut reaction, rather than facts, but that is their perogative. I also recognize that some people will look at the same facts that I'm looking at and draw different conclusions.



There are many McCain supporters in my life, and I love them, despite my distaste for the McCain/Palin ticket. Whoever wins the election, some people in my family will "lose," seeing their value system get voted down. This is tragic in so many ways, but it is a reality of democracy - it's impossible for everyone to win. I will try to remember that if Obama wins, and I'm cheering and happy, that those on the other side will still need love and tenderness and listening. And I hope that those who vote for McCain will behave that way towards me if McCain wins instead.



Family - ahhhh. Such a complicated mess. Somehow, though, we have managed to stick it out this far, to continue to respect one another, and to refrain from engaging one another in debate about our hot buttons when we know that we ought to refrain. We could debate each other into the ground, but it would serve no purpose, so instead, we love one another even if we do an occassional roll of our eyes when we get home.


This gives me room to be hopeful.

And into recovery...

I looked at the clock a few minutes ago and realized that, if I'd stuck with the plan, at this moment I'd be getting wheeled out of the OR and into recovery.

Based on my horrible dreams about surgery last night, it's probably a good thing that I didn't have surgery today. I wish that it was over with, and behind me, but if dreams are omens then my dreams were telling me to back off! In my dreams they did the surgery and when I woke up I had returned to double mastectomies, and they told me that it was impossible to fix anything and that this time it was permanent and I'd never have any kind of breasts or breast mounds ("foobs") again. I woke up feeling terribly sad and panicked, relieved that it was just a dream.

I do wish it was behind me, though.

Instead of surgery today, I have carpooled to school with another child (in addition to Tessa), volunteered in the classroom, done chores at home, and now I'm getting ready for a baby shower.

Life goes on.

I can hardly wait....

...for November 4.

It should strike nobody here as a suprise that I will be voting for Obama - I don't hide my liberal light under a bushel.

Of course, I'll be glad when machines stop calling my telephone to tell me who to vote for. I'll be glad to stop hearing "he said she said they said" stories in the news about the candidates.

But mostly, I will just be glad if my candidate wins. I really, truly, deeply believe that the Obama/Biden ticket is what this country needs right now, and that Obama is a candidate that I can believe in. I believe that he will promote peace, that he will work for all American people, and that he will repair some of the damage done to the US in the eyes of the world under the reign of G.W.

I think that if I see "Obama wins" I will weep genuine tears of joy. Our country needs a change, desperately, and I think that Obama is that change. The polls are in his favor right now, and I'm very hopeful.

And don't even get me started on Sarah Palin. She frightens me - enough said.

Fingers crossed and praying....

So I'll try to quit complaining

Today I was driving home from Alki and I saw a man at the side of the road who had fallen out of his motorized wheelchair. I pulled over, and ran back down the sidewalk to help him; another woman saw it as well, and she was there when I reached him.

The man had hit the curb as he tried to get off the road he was crossing and back onto the sidewalk, and it had thrown him from his chair.

He was an amputee on one leg, and his shoe had been tossed in the fall, revealing a diseased foot on the other leg; I immediately suspected diabetes. His pants tore to skin his knee, and his hands were bleeding, too; his skin was pretty fragile looking everywhere I could see it, and not just because of the fall.

He was more embarrassed and annoyed than anything, and by the time I'd parked the car and reached him, he'd lifted himself back into his chair; I suspect he's had this experience before, and he knew how to handle it. I got the impression that he was grateful for my help (which, actually, he didn't need) but was also embarrassed by his public fall and wished I'd disappear....so I did, once I was sure he would be okay.

Except... though he was set to rights and off and going in his chair, I don't know that he IS okay. I suspect some pretty serious health issues and a lack of money to go with them.

So, I have a little perspective today as I clean my house, bake cookies for a friend, and go about my day. Gratitude in my heart for my life, and prayers for this stranger.

Junk Mail

As part of my plan to save the planet and to save my pocketbook, I'm trying to cancel all catalogs.

When I get the mail, I almost always have catalogs. This year, I'm taking a moment to cancel each one before sending it to recycling. I figure this will cut back on the immense quantity of junk coming through my house - if I don't get the catalog, that's one savings; if I don't look at the catalog, I'm not tempted to buy things I don't need. (If I needed things, I could look them up online.)

Let's see if this works. Yesterday I dropped 2; today I dropped 3.

Green & frugal grocery shopping

Okay, so I've learned a thing or two in the past year or so as I've tried to green up my grocery shopping, buying sustainable, local food that reduces packaging waste, plastic, etc. Maybe you knew all of this, but here are some of the tips that I'm using:

- Eliminate cooking spray. I have a little silicone brush that I use instead - I just pour a dab of oil (very little) and then brush it around. This means that that nasty aerosol can doesn't go into the garbage, I don't get additives in my oil, I spend less. I have one of those Misto sprayers but mine always sprays in a stream and it is kind of a pain to use, so I like the brush method better.

- Bulk bins are your friend, and they're even better if you bring in reusable containers. I can buy organic oats for $1.33/pound, and there's no packaging if I bring my own bag. Even if I don't bring my own bag, and opt for (gasp!) a plastic sack, it's a lot LESS plastic than the plastic lid on the oatmeal container. Whatever container you use, it tends to be cheaper in bulk...especially because you can buy the quantity you need. (E.g. I used to buy a bag of pine nuts, but some would spoil before I could use them. Now, if I need a 1/4 cup, I buy a 1/4 cup.)

- Bulk spices are mega cheap compared to bottled ones. I reuse my old bottles, and refill them from the bins, and keep my old bottles out of the recycling bin (reduce, REUSE, recycle).

- Seasonal local produce is often the cheapest thing in the grocery store - it's not trendy/elitist at all. To the contrary, it really is eating like our grandparents did. For example? Local, organic, Cameo apples were $1.99/pound, and same for local organic Bartlett pears. They were the two cheapest fruits available to me in the store today (organic fruits, anyway - I no longer look at conventional prices because it's depressing!).

- Cooking from scratch tends to be greener AND cheaper. Yes, it takes more time, and not everyone can do this. But it's greener because there's less packaging involved, it's usually healthier because there are no preservatives etc, and it's cheaper because you're not paying for labor.

- Meat is expensive. Period. I'm learning ways to reduce meat intake, which is better for the environment as a whole, as well as better for my body. I'm not going vegetarian any time in the foreseeable future, but I'm learning to use a little. More veggies and less meat in the stirfry; moo shu pork instead of pork roast; eggs instead of meat in an entree; lentils with just a bit of sausage.

- Read labels for locations. When two products look exactly the same, I read where they're from. If I have a choice of made in the US vs. someplace far away, I choose the US product. (Funny, that sounds patriotic. Hmmm!)

- It's cheap and easy to make granola, and to make bread (with a bread machine). Save on packaging and processing and make your own!

- I shop first, and then make dinner menus second. Unfortunately, this usually takes two grocery trips: one for the main items, and then one for the fill-in-the-gaps items for the recipes. This allows me to buy seasonal (greener) local food but not break the budget. The second grocery trip is usually just for a few items.

- Repeat items. On the week that apples are in season, we get apples in our lunch every day. We eat a lot of strawberries in season. We're about to enter squash season, and we'll eat a lot of it, prepared in different ways. We get a ton of diversity throughout the year, but not necessarily within the seasons. Insalata caprese is an end of summer dish; leeks are a winter dish. If broccoli is on sale, we eat broccoli all week. This is a major change for our family - we've eaten according to our whims in the past.

- Buying larger, not individual, size portions. With yogurt, I think that this cuts the cost and the plastic packaging substantially, for example.

More to follow - gotta cook dinner!

Edited to add: I'd really like to hear your green, frugal, healthy food ideas. My grocery bill is still higher than I'd wish, and I know I still have a lot to learn.

Tips from another:
http://www.daveramsey.com/etc/newsletters/company/092608.cfm#2

Another whirlwind week

Monday morning, and all is well.

Ryan is at work, Tessa is at school, I've done some grocery shopping, and I'm confronting my "to do" list at the moment. Okay, with a little blog break.

Fall weather has hit full force -there is a damp chill in the air, and it's rained quite a bit today. I'm wearing my down vest INDOORS because my house is at 66 - this really better be impacting the environment and our heat bills positively, because I'm positively chilled. I'm determined to stay the course, however, and I can put on another sweater if necessary!

Yesterday we enjoyed a nice church service (Tessa got to learn about Thoreau's time at Walden Pond), and then our family did lots of chores. Ryan got rid of old fence boards at the dump, I baked banana bread to use up some bananas that were going to the dark side (and Tessa helped), and Tessa and I weeded the vegetable garden and pulled out the dead tomato plants etc. The bonus of weeding was that we discovered some veggies left over! We got two acorn squash, a number of patty-pan (starburst) squash, a dinner's worth of carrots, some onions, and even a few ripe tomatoes.

Last night for dinner we put our garden crop to good use - I made a stir fry with chicken (organic chicken breasts at TJs for $6.99 a pound!), tamari, white wine, ginger and garlic, and I used all these fresh veggies from our garden, in addition to some broccoli I'd already planned on using and some brown rice (organic from the bins at PCC). It was delicious and oh-so-satisfying -simple food that tasted fresh. Ryan's got the leftovers for lunch today.

And today I'm doing chores, planning for a busy week. Tessa has yoga today and ballet tomorrow; Wednesday Ryan and I are attending our first of six Sanity Circus classes (a silly name for a great parenting class - it's a positive discipline approach to parenting for elementary aged kids)....the week will be busy.

And now, off to the races.

Bring out the tissues

I'm about to start watching a Lifetime movie called Living Proof about the doctor who brought Herceptin to market.

Preparing for a cryfest.

PS It stars Harry Connick Jr....bonus.

Edited to add:
I'm watching women on TV discovering lumps.
Attending their first chemo.
Crying with their families.
Trying new drugs.

It makes me cry.

Dinner with Gagging

Remind me not to make my family Split Pea Soup with Ham ever again.

Gagging, choking, and other lovely sound effects from the little one. Terror in the eyes of the big one.

Oh my.

Tonight I served leftovers of aforementioned soup to Tessa since Ryan's in Portland. The gagging increased about 100 times for the reheated version.

I told Tessa I wouldn't make it again for a long time and she actually cheered.

Oh well - you win some, you lose some. I guess we're done with that for the foreseeable future....!

Saturday morning

Ryan is preparing to head to Portland for the day to wish Mom & Dad S. well (Happy 55th Anniversary!), Tessa is bouncing off the walls and feeling better (though we're keeping her away from Dad to prevent unnecessary germs - sigh), and I'm sort of puttering around feeling a mite under the weather but prepared to ignore it.

It's a perfect fall day, so we hope to spend some time outdoors today.

The hard stuff

In the past year or so, I made a conscious decision to live according to my values.

This doesn't seem like such a stretch: I was proud of who I was/am, and I don't lie, cheat, or steal...so I had a head start.

But I made the vow to myself in a decision to live life more deliberately, and consciously. Unlike Thoreau, I do not have the luxury of giving up everything to try life, but I do like what he says:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the eesential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

This sums it up. I wish to live fully and completely, and in thinking about what that looked like for me, I decided that it meant identifying my values and then living according to those values, even at a cost of high inconvenience.

The green living comes from that. As long as I can remember, I've cared about my environment, and I've spent more time than most out in nature, particularly hiking the mountains and valleys of the Pacific Northwest. I grew up hiking and camping, and it is engrained in me to love the smell of a campfire, the feeling of a boot on a pine-needle trail, the splash of glacial melt from a small stream upon my face to cool off. By stating my commitment to go green, and by taking steps every day to do so, I'm living a value that I hadn't been true to. I had always cared, but I hadn't always taken steps to avoid the path of least resistance, which is often NOT green but simply old habits.

My spiritual quest comes from that, too. I've always considered myself a deeply spiritual person, but in hindsight, that was more of a hopeful label than a true one, because I wasn't doing much in the way of spiritual growth. It's not just my commitment to WSUU that makes me a more spiritual person these days (though that is a big part of it), it's committing my leisure hours to reading books about spirituality, and it's meditation, and it's deeper introspection, and it's discussion with other spiritual types about what it is we're doing and where we're trying to go. It's little things like having a little spiritual center in my house (with candles, a cross, a Buddha statuette, a picture of the Dalai Lama, a "Believe in Miracles" plaque from Caley, and some beautiful stones from nature, one of which is painted with a chalice) to remind me of what I'm striving for; it's bigger things, like attending church every weekend and becoming part of the RE council and dedicating my time to a covenant group.

My volunteering comes from this, too. The 3-Day taught me, again, how essential it is to my well being to give something of myself to my community and to the greater world. Sometimes these days I feel like I'm doing too much volunteering, some days I feel like I'm doing too little, but always I know that I'm striving in the right direction, and that taking action to make the world a slightly better place, even in the smallest of ways, is a part of my value system.

Those things are not behind me, but I still count them as successes in my life: they are my true self, and I'm proud of them, and despite my imperfections, I know I'm giving them my best and I'm happy with that even as I try to grow in those areas.

But I can't sit still, I can't believe that I have simply arrived. Those things might be the easier things.

My marriage. I have to advise anyone not yet married, that marriage is much harder than it sounds. First, you meet, find interests together, learn to have fun together, and fall in love....and that is the easy part (even though I didn't think so in my early twenties when everyone else was falling in love and I was single and wondering what I was doing wrong). The hard part is what comes after "I do," when life hands you things you've never expected, like cancer, and lay-offs, and depression, and ten surgeries in three years, and you're broke and frustrated and disconnected from one another and wondering how on earth you got so far from where you started. Anyone who has been married a decade or more is certain to nod their heads - it is a very small number of individuals who do not survive a decade of marriage without some pretty serious interruptions, despite the good intentions of both parties.

So, marriage wasn't exactly what I expected, but I have recommitted to it, over and over, and I'm striving to be the partner that I ought to be, that I want to be. Ryan has also been recommitting, and together we are making stupendous progress with one another, and I am so grateful for that that I barely know where to begin with it. It amazes me to think that holding on to marriage is a value....I thought love held marriages together, but I am learning that love isn't enough, not nearly. Love for another person is so much, true, but when the world is upside down and nothing is as you expected, I think that its ones values that keep a marriage together.

(Note: I am fortunate, I have not experienced abuse or infidelity of any sort in my marriage. I am NOT extolling the virtue of sticking it out in an abusive relationship, ever. I'm talking about a different kind of marriage than that. What is true of my marriage commitment perhaps should NOT be true of all marriages, and I recognize the need for gray in that spectrum.)

And the other big one....money.

Oh, money. Frankly, if you'll pardon my language, money is a giant pain in the you-know-what. (Okay, I'll keep this PG, but you get my point.) Money is so stressful!

But I'm determined to live according to my values with money, too, and I'm slowly ocming to the realization that I haven't been doing that, not at all.

No, I'm not in bankruptcy, and I haven't been forging checks, and I haven't taken out multiple mortgages on the house....nothing like that. It's much more subtle than that (fortunately).

I think that I had just been telling myself that I deserved certain things, and despite my scorn for those who try to keep up with the Jones', I think I'd been doing it in some ways. Not in cars (our 8 year old Subie probably isn't going to win any luxury car contests), but in other, smaller things. Like eating out at nice resturants, like ordering take-out when I didn't feel like cooking, like too many lattes and pastries (what's with the food theme?!), like too many trips to Target and Marshall's to buy things that I don't need.

This week I, once again, took a trip to Goodwill. I filled up almost the entire Subie - how ridiculous! Some of it is explainable - Tessa outgrows clothes, shoes, and toys - but some of it is just embarrassing. These are things that we had purchased, that we now dispose of....not into a landfill, but that means that we wasted good money.

I am fortunate, I do not have much "need." I don't "need" new furniture, dishes, books, house....I have enough, and even more than enough. I don't "need" new clothes or shoes, because my closet is overflowing. Our house is full of music, books, and the small pleasures in life.

So now I'm trying to live according to my financial values, and it's hard....harder than carrying a bag so I don't take plastic bags, harder than "no impulse shopping" even when that's part of it.

Now, our family has to cut back so that we can get out of debt, and live according to our financial values. We're going to have to really watch our budgets, eating more lentils than steak (well, at least that's good for the environment and our bodies!), in order to get ahead.

Living according to my financial values would look like this:
- debt free
- at least 10% contributions to retirement 401(k) and IRA
- regular contributions to Tessa's college fund (529)
- save for items before buying them
- "vote with my dollar" for ethical purchases (e.g. organic cotton)
- not buying disposable items (stuff destined for a landfill)
- regular contributions to charity and church and political beliefs/candidates
- keeping a sizable emergency fund

We have a long way to go to check off the items on that list. First, we have to work hard starting where we're at. But I'm identifying these values, and I'm determined to make it work, balancing all the other values.

It's hard. It's not even a little bit easy. But I'm trying.

Living deliberatly, or as Oprah says, living consciously. I think that there is something to it.

Tessa update

Well, our little bouncy girl is alternately bouncy and fatigued. I thought she was quite well, and while I was chatting on the phone with Grammy she about drove me nuts following me around and being loud and goofy....but then the Tylenol wore off and she started feeling crummy. She (by her own choosing) is back in bed, has had a throat lozenge, and she's getting rest.

We did do hair - my hair currently holds every single barrette that Tessa owns. (It's impressive, if I may say so myself.) We went through the attic, organizing things, getting rid of yet more stuff, and taking out Tessa's snow-stuff to see if it fits (boots: no; hats, no; gloves/mittens: no; pants: maybe; jacket: yes....thank goodness it was a bit big last year!). I vacuumed up and down, and we cleaned up Tessa's room together.

And I will not tell you how many chocolate chip cookies I've eaten today, or you will think that I have absolutely no willpower.

Anyway, a sick day for a minor illness (and I do thank God it's minor) is a small blessing. I wouldn't wish Tessa to feel crummy, but we've been chatting, we had lunch together (she was hungry but didn't eat much), and we've been playing. I like just being with her....

Growing pains?

I just measured Tessa on the chart in her room. She grew 3/4 of an inch since Sept. 17, which was (coincidentally) the last time I measured her. It wasn't my imagination that she's growing in leaps and bounds!

Staying Home

Well, here we are.

Tessa's throat is scratchy, she's running a bit hot, and she feels achy and tired.

School has been contacted, our carpool ride has been contacted, Daddy has been told. Next, we need to notify the Portland folks....we're not going anywhere.

DRAT!!!!

Tessa is fine - it's just one of those bugs going around. I, too, woke up with a scratchy throat but I hope that mine will disappear quickly.

Yesterday Tessa didn't want to do much besides vege in front of the TV (which I don't usually let her do, so it's a treat when she's sick), so I baked. I made sunflower seed bread, chocolate chip cookies, AND new granola.

(Note to those in the know: how come my granola didn't clump nicely? I followed the recipe and it tastes good but it didn't get those little crunchy clumps that are so delicious.)

The tablecloths and soup were delivered to the pot-luck at Alki, and I'm told the event went well.

Today? Not sure what we'll do - not baking, though. I'll take care of some filing (I let it pile up again -ugh), do a few chores around here....not much. Maybe Tessa and I will paint our nails later in the day.

Bunkering down. Fortunately, I went grocery shopping earlier this week, and we're all stocked up. Nothing much to do but heal.

Change of plans

Well, I was going to be helping to put on the kindergarten social this evening; this week I've been exchanging emails and phone calls, shopping for last minute items, and getting things organized to bring the Alki kindergarten families together.

Well, change in plans. Par for the course, I guess!

I spent the morning volunteering in Tessa's classroom, and she was fine. I got a call at 1:30pm from the school nurse saying that Tessa felt ill and had been resting for 45 minutes in her office. Uh oh! I thought she might be faking (she looked great earlier...) but no, indeed, she is sick.

So, I'm madly sending out email, getting someone to pick up my potluck dish at 5pm, and getting someone else to deliver the tablecloths to my co-coordinator right after school.

Bummer.

Tessa is okay, just tired and achy...I'm sure it's just a bug, and another child went home sick, too. But it's no fun, so I need to pamper my girl.

Love of family

It's no secret that I love my family - anybody who has read more than two of my posts should have it figured out by now. My family is my number one concern, and I'd place the happiness of my family as a whole (of course, I'm including myself in the term "family") over my happiness of myself as an individual. I've tried it both ways, but when I'm putting family second I feel regret, remorse, guilt and it's just not worth it to me.

This weekend, I thought I was putting family first by sending Ryan solo to spend a day celebrating his parents' anniversary in Portland, believing that it would give Ryan some 1:1 time with his brother on the way down, and that Tessa needed to have a quiet weekend, and that everybody would come out just fine. I have a new perspective this morning, however.

Last night we received the information that Ryan's dad had been admitted to the hospital to check out some internal bleeding.

A whole new perspective.

I'm packing up our family, and we'll head to Portland together this weekend. Tessa needs to give her Bopa a hug. Ryan needs me at his side, offering him support, so that he can support his parents. We ALL need to celebrate the anniversary, whether it's in a hospital or in a resturant (as originally planned). Family first.

We'd planned on being home together on Sunday to attend church, but I think that church would want us to be with our family. We can listen to the podcast of the service, and we're involved in other church activities through the week, so we're still getting the community aspects.

Mom & Dad S., I send you my love and wishes for healing. As Jaki (who knows from personal experience) says, "Aging isn't for sissies!" I hope and pray that Dad will be returned to good health immediately. We can't wait to see you this weekend. We love you, and we love being part of your family.

PS This puts my surgery postponement into some perspective. I'm still not happy about it, and I'm still dealing with it, but I'm managing it.

A battle of the wills: The victor is declared

I've been having this internal battle with myself since learning of the out of pocket costs for my upcoming surgery.

One of the voices in my head says, "Do it now! You need this! You deserve this! Get it over with!" and the other voice says, "You've made it this far, you can go a bit farther. It's hard enough to manage your finances without paying an additional $2000 that you can avoid. It's not preventing the surgery, it's just a delay."

The second voice has won. I called and rescheduled, and now my surgery is January 8. This was the earliest date in the year that I could get on the surgery schedule; hopefully I'll be fully recovered by Tessa's birthday. Okay, I won't be FULLY recovered, but hopefully I'll be recovered enough.

I talked to my therapist yesterday, and to Ryan last night, and to the girls on the breast cancer boards, and to a couple of friends. My therapist said that I should think about what I could do to feel like I'm putting myself first, even if I delay the surgery. This is what I'm thinking of now. How can I make myself feel rich and worthy, despite this decision? I'm open to ideas on this one. Of course, I don't want to spend money on myself right now - if I was doign that I'd just have the surgery - but my life isn't about money, so maybe I can come up with a better idea. Any genius ideas floating around out there that you can share?

Doing the right thing is difficult. It comes at a cost. Hopefully, I will come to realize that the cost of not doing the right thing would be even higher, and I can revel in that. Hopefully.

Difficult Decisions

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

I am scheduled to have surgery on October 23rd. I've done my pre-op appointment, I've got childcare lined up, and I've arranged for my own babysitters during the 24 hour surveilance period after the surgery when Ryan's at work.

I've also started looking into the financial ramifications of this surgery, and I found out a few things:
1. This is going to cost $2000 out of pocket, which happens to (coincidentally) be the maximum annual out of pocket for our new insurance
2. The new health insurance operates on a calendar year, and so even though we didn't start with this company until Oct. 1, the out of pocket restarts on Jan.1.

Because of that, and because of the fact that I use up all of my out-of-pocket costs most years, I am looking at postponing my surgery until the new year and effectively saving us $2000.

This is not a decision I want to make. That is an understatement, actually. The way I really feel about it is essentially unprintable; it involves a lot of four letter words and foot stamping and whining and the kind of crying that is really snotty.

I hate my expanders. In addition to the fact that they look terrible, and they're deformed, and my breasts are no longer on the same parallel and it's even visible when I'm fully clothed, the expanders hurt. Sometimes they're merely uncomfortable, sometimes they're painful, but they're always present in my life. They disrupt my sleep (imagine sleeping on baseballs implanted under your skin, and you've about got it), they make me uncomfortable in my own body. I hate them, and this surgery is all about getting rid of them.

So, I have a conflict. Financial concerns versus physical concerns. What kind of decision is that?! It's completely unfair to me to have to make that kind of decision, and it sucks. Yes, sucks. There is no more literary term to define it: sucks is about the only word that will suffice.

I am strongly leaning towards postponing the surgery. Our family has aquired too much debt through this process already, and we already have payment plans set up with two hospitals. We don't need to add $2000 to that pile....if I do the surgery in October, we will aquire $4000 in medical expenses between now and Dec 2009, but if I do the surgery in January, we will "only" acquire $2000 in medical expenses. (Not including copays, prescriptions, or other "not included" categories...but I won't go there for the sake of this post.)

I'm trying to be an adult about it. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not putting off the surgery indefinately, only for a couple of months. I'm trying to remind myself that financial intelligence sometimes involves making difficult decisions, and that I'm not immune from avoiding difficulties, either. I'm trying to remember that a few years from now, a few months one way or the other won't make much of a difference, but paying interest on credit cards for that same time might still be making a difference.

I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and do what is right for my family, not just for me.

I'm trying to remember that I have dealt with much, much worse stuff in my life. I'm trying to remember that it's "only" reconstruction, and it's not a life-saving technique.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I'm so dreadfully tired of having surgery hanging over my head, and that I just want it over with.

I'm trying to remember that I am allowed to put myself first.

I'm trying to remember that making a decision that benefits my family will make me feel good, too.

I'm trying.

If you pray, please put in a prayer for me that I will make the right decision about this, whatever that might be. I have not decided what I should do, or what I must do, or what I can do; I have not decided if should and can are the same thing. If I postpone the surgery, I do not know how to remove the black cloud from over my head; if I have the surgery now I do not know how to avoid feeling guilty at the cost.

I would love to have an answer. Anybody have advice?

Monday morning

It's a cool fall day, and I can tell it's breezy even from inside because the hanging bats on our porch (Happy Halloween) are swinging wildly back and forth, and the wind chimes on the back deck are tinkling away. I love days like today: not wet, but cool, crisp, and filled with gorgeous fall colors. Most of the neighborhood trees are still covered in leaves, but the leaves are an amazing array of color.

The weekend at the cabin was wonderful, but all too short. We hot tubbed, listened to music, read, drank wine, prepared a nice dinner, ate way too much, and just enjoyed it overall. Ryan worked on the cabin bike for hours, and appeared to be in nirvana as he puttered and corrected and concentrated on the bike, sitting on the deck of the cabin amidst all that scenery. Tessa got to hike the whole property on her own for the first time, with the promise that she'd stay close enough to hear me if I called her, and she romped in the fields and down the paths, the two dogs close at her side. Marisa and I got some much needed girl-chatting done.

My only complaint was that it seemed as though as soon as we got there it was time to go home. No fair!

On the way home, I got an unexpected treat. As usual, we had to wait a couple of hours in the ferry lineup, and so Tessa and I were reading. Only this time, Tessa read to me! We have a silly book designed for early readers that has perhaps 20-30 words per page, and Tessa read me the first fifteen pages pretty much all on her own. It was startling to me to watch her connect with the language, and to see how many sight words she's picked up in the past few weeks, and how good she's gotten at phonetics. I was giddy with excitement to see how much she has learned recently - it was fabulous. She's read other books with perhaps 10 repeated words, and though this book was quite simple it was still much more complex than that. Hurrah for reading! And best of all....Tessa was as excited as I was, and her eyes sparkled and danced, and she obviously feels great pride an excitement in her progress.

We're a family of readers. Wow. For me, this is a dream come true. I have a daughter who reads....and I can't even explain how this touches my heart. It's another sign of a babyhood long gone, which is hard, but it's also a sign of how incredibly interesting Tessa is - she's interested in the world around her, and she's become such an amazing companion. I deeply enjoy being with her.

And speaking of which.....driving home, we had a deep conversation about houses. Houses? Yes. Tessa started asking about how different houses were constructed, and what materials would be needed, and how people in different countries lived. It became a conversation about how LITTLE one truly "needs" in order to live, and Tessa drew her own conclusions about how amazing our home is, and how little she would require in order to be merely comfortable. Again, we talked about Laura Ingalls and how she had only a corn-cob doll for a toy, and we discussed how many toys we had at our house. And then Tessa came up with multiple ideas about how she could build houses. She decided that she could fill a bucket with mud and straw, and let it sit for a few days until it dried out, and make bricks one at a time like that, and then use the bricks to build. The wheels were turning, and I could see her social conscience building, and I could see her making connections previously not made, and I could see her taking it all in.

It's good to be Tessa's mother. I am so immensely grateful for the experience of having Tessa in my life. Of all of the children in the world, I could have been given anyone...but I was given this amazing daughter who suits me so well, and whose ideas make me think, and whose compassion and kindness make me melt.

Sure, she's a kid, and she can annoy me like no other person on the planet. But even in the midst of the annoyance, I'm pretty amazed by who she is.

And now, this Monday morning, I'm still puttering around the house and putting the morning mess back together: breakfast dishes put away, beds made, toothbrush slop (yuck) wiped up, the weekend mail off the dining room table, and the rest. Laundry is running, Tessa is at school, and I've finished my first big mug of coffee.

And the rest of the day? Today, in addition to chores, I'm trying to organize my thoughts around what I want to accomplish with my day, my week, my month, my life. I'm trying to spend time doing things I won't regret. I'm trying to listen to music while I clean, and I'm trying to stop multi-tasking when I do other things. I'm trying to manage our finances (why is that so hard?!), to manage our nutrition, to tread lightly on the planet (amazingly, this takes a lot of effort), to care for our home, to care for myself, to care for my friends, to care for my family.

It's a big list. Today, I'm working on breaking it down into smaller pieces, and putting it back together in some order. Okay, that's what I'm ALWAYS working on, but today I'm working on it intentionally and with purpose. Wish me luck!

24 hours of relaxation

Tomorrow morning, the three of us plus Shep will get up at the crack of dawn and head out to pick up Marisa and her dog Max, and we'll head to Marisa's Orcas cabin. It's been a busy week, and we are glad to have a little getaway with a dear friend and to spend some time in nature.

Today was a good day. Tessa was home (no school because of an in service day) and we puttered around the house in the morning, getting this and that and nothing in particular done. I drank my coffee, Tessa played, and then she painted my face with the Halloween face paints and a bunch of my old makeup (I'm worried when I think how old it is....I just don't wear the stuff more than once a month.). We took a bubble bath, we talked, we sang, and we just had great bonding time. In the afternoon we ran a bunch of errands together, but somehow, even that was fun.

Ryan got home for a simple dinner (simpler than I'd intended because the dish I'd planned on making centered around chard, and the chard took a turn for the worse today and I couldn't use it) and we had laughter at the dinner table.

Now, the dry food is packed, the suitcase (we can share one because it's such a short trip) is packed, the clothes are laid out, and we're almost ready to go.

Now, time to sleep - and in the morning the fun begins.

Small steps

We never used to pack our lunches.

Every day, Ryan bought lunch. This was just how it was. When I was teaching, I often bought lunches, as well.

No longer. We're realizing how we have nickel-and-dimed ourselves, and we're packing lunches every day. It's annoying (being green and frugal isn't always fun!) but still worth it.

Today we're having turkey sandwiches on home made bread. Mine has avocado, Tessa's has cheese, and Ryan's has mustard and cheese. Add some fruit for Tessa and I, throw in a string cheese for Tessa's snack, and additionally give Ryan some cheese and crackers, and we each have lunch prepared and sitting in our reusable lunch bags on the counter. (Mine is done, too, because I am volunteering in the classroom this morning and then going to a doctor's appointment, so I figured I'd better be prepared.)

Many people do this daily and always have. For me, it's a re-learning process. I'm learning, albeit slowly.

Now, off to wake up the girl....

"No impulse purchases!"

I have taught Tessa this expression, and we repeat it to one another when we're in stores and feeling tempted by the wealth of goods around us.

Today I went to Tully's without Tessa to meet Michele, and I bought two pink coffee mugs, thinking that they'd be a hit with Tessa, and that she could have cocoa or mint tea in them, sharing with a friend. Plus, part of the proceeds went to breast cancer research. How cool is that?

Well, I've decided, not cool at all.

Impulse shopping.

We have a zillion mugs, none of which are pink. Oh, except the zillion teacups that we have, half of which are pink in tone. Oh, and the china mugs picked up for a song at Marshall's a few years ago. They're nicer than these mugs, but cost half (a quarter?) as much, and the girls feel fancy when they use them. One is broken...but five remain. Despite my initial rationale, we have plenty of pink mugs.

And the money to breast cancer? Possibly pinkwashing. "A portion of the proceeds" could have meant a single penny per mug, and at $7.99 each it's not much of a contribution no matter how much they donated. And let's face it, I've donated a lot to breast cancer already. (Starting with donating my breasts to science....ugh.)

I went to put the mugs in the dishwasher for pre-use, and all this hit me. It's not very green to buy things you don't need, and I don't know what I was thinking.

Tomorrow when I drop Tessa off at school I'll swing by Tully's to return them and ask for a refund. That will feel much better than keeping them, in this case. Maybe I *can* be taught, but I swear, I am a very slow learner. It would have been better not to buy them in the first place, but this is better than naught.