Pictures

Tessa at the Alki Harvest Festival, wearing her Pegasus-Unicorn-Pony costume. She asked that I carve a horse and a bat on the pumpkin - yikes! I managed, but just barely. (But I can't tell her "I'm just not that creative!" because if she said that to me I'd pooh-pooh her and tell her that she needed to try, so I have to follow my own advice. How can I expect her to be confident and to take risks and laugh at herself if I can't do the same? The added benefit of this parenting philosophy is that I'm discovering more creativity in myself than I previously knew about....and I'm learning to laugh at myself when my creations flop.) The Royal Surfaces! Despite Tessa's first desire to be a pony, she reverted at the last minute to her desire to be a princess. Tessa is wearing a Snow Princess (self-named) costume, and her royal escorts are with her. Ryan is wearing his tuxedo shirt, vest, and tie from when we were married - and he's got a lovely brooch that I usually wear on my jacket at Christmastime. I'm wearing a dress I got years ago for a Murder Mystery dinner that was themed and in costume. If they had a group costume category, I'm sure we would have won. (wink)

And here we are, up close... Might I add that Tessa's crown squeezed my brain!

Earlier in the month, at the pumpkin patch...

Ahhhh - finally a moment when our daughter was looking at the camera! She loves to make the most outrageous, awful camera smiles, and it's hard to get a good picture of her as a result.

I really love Halloween. I love the chance to be a bit creative, to play a role that I otherwise wouldn't play, to dress up and be silly. I love the Hisatomi Halloween party, where there is lots of great food, fabulous people, and fun. I love going out to the pumpkin patch on a crisp fall day, getting muddy feet, and searching for the perfect pumpkin. (This year, our pumpkin is ENORMOUS - chosen by Tessa, of course.) I love coming up with fun pumpkin designs that reflect whatever mood we're in that year. I love facing our fears and laughing at them (which is what I believe all of the ghoulish things are about: confronting our fear of dying, and facing it). I know that some people feel that it's not a nice holiday, and I understand that there is room for more than one perspective....but I'm not worried about Halloween because to me it's not about being unkind, it's about facing fears, and having fun with friends. Our grown up lives are often so serious that I appreciate the opportunity to relax and be silly with the kids.

The top costume of the night was Joe Six-Pack - in this political year, it was a great commentary. One of the guests came in with a mullet wig, dressed like a laborer, with a twelve-pack of Rainier Beer on his shoulder. He was the hands-down winner in the adult costume contest, and got a lot of great laughs. The children's costume prize went to a darling little toddler in a woodland fairy outfit - she looked like a storybook picture. The other children's prize went to Yoda, who was pretty darn realistic looking.

I held it together last night until about 7, at which point my sinus infection kicked in and demanded that I go home immediately. Here I still sit, even as church is starting. :-( Ryan and Tessa went to church, but my germs and I are at home sulking. Wahhhh!

Wishing all of you a great day...

Kristina

Sick

I am at home feeling crummy. I have a sinus infection, and my head is stuffed up and foggy.

Ugh.

I'm in my bathrobe with a box of tissues. Whatta way to spend a day.

Undecided? Curious? Election 2008

My blog is not a political one, but in these last days before the election, it's impossible for me not to think about politics a lot more than usual.

Instead of stumping for my candidate (Go Obama!), I thought I'd be a bit more thoughtful and throw out some resources to people who aren't sure of the issues, or who have questions, or who are trying to figure out what is candidate spin and what is real. It's easier said than done, isn't it?

Here are some resources:
http://myelectiondecision.org/
This is a blind survey, which lists each candidates views on various issues, and you check whether you agree, disagree, etc. with each viewpoint, without specifics on whether it's McCain's viewpoint of Obama's viewpoints. At the end, you get a score for each candidate, and you can determine which candidate most speaks for your viewpoint. It's truly bipartisan - it doesn't use negative or positive language for either viewpoint, it just summarizes what the candidates themselves have said in each of five areas.

http://www.factcheck.org/
This website analyses the candidates' claims, and debunks what is real and what is not. All that negative campaigning is hard to sift through - what is real and what is false? This is a bipartisan website that researches the claims on both sides and presents the truth.

http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/
I've recently discovered this website, and I love it. It appears to be bipartisan - it doesn't hesitate to rake either candidate over the coals, and that's what I need! It has more information than factcheck.org, and that's good because my only complaint on FactCheck is that it doesn't have everything.

And then there are always the candidates themselves. If you can sift through the spin, you can at least find out what they are saying, and see their promises as they state them, not as their opponents state them.
http://www.barackobama.com/index.php
http://www.johnmccain.com/splash32615.htm
These are the two official sites. Beware of posers! Independent people have websites up representing either candidate, so make sure you know where your information is coming from.

This afternoon Ryan and I are going to go through our voter pamphlets and fill in our absentee ballots and deliver them safely to the post office mailbox. VOTE! This election matters. It's important that your viewpoint is heard - and I mean that, even if your viewpoint is different than mine. Vote!

More articulate than I am

The New York Times published their endorsement of Barack Obama in the opinion section, and I find it to be a thoughtful article. These are the reasons that I'm supporting Obama.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/opinion/24fri1.html?pagewanted=1&hp

(And for what it's worth, I get a lot of my news from The New York Times and The Seattle Times, but I cross-check it with Fox News and FactCheck.org because I want to see all sides of the issues, not just "my" side. I believe that the NYT generally supports a more liberal viewpoint, TST represents a more local viewpoint, and FN represents a more conservative viewpoint. FactCheck.org is nonpartisan, and a good place to verify various claims.)

Political talk and families

The country is really, truly divided over the issues of politics. I am so passionate about my own politics - socially liberal, fiscally conservative, pascifist (even while recognizing that war is out there and needs to be dealt with) - that I have to work hard at reminding myself that the other viewpoints are not evil, merely different.



That's how divided it seems: a battle between good an evil. How medievil of me, of us! The world is rarely that black and white, and politics are certainly no exception to that rule. It is so difficult to remember those distinctions of gray when one's heart and mind are set on a particular viewpoint.



It's hard for me. I pride myself on my open mindedness, and on my compassion towards others. Never is compassion put more to the test than with a difference of opinion. It is easy to feel sorry for someone who likes you and behaves like you but is having a hard time; it is harder to feel compassion towards someone who holds utterly different values, who doesn't like you, who doesn't behave like you.



This, I think, is the true test of compassion. Of course I feel compassion for my daughter - I love her deeply and her welfare impacts me at every level. But it's harder to support those who drive wars that I see as unjust, or who try to remove personal rights like pro-choice, supporting same-sex marriage, or other hot buttons of mine. I believe in separation of church and state, and I'm open to the idea that all religions have valuable lessons for us. I'm not opposed to regulation, or universal healthcare, and if these make me have the label "socialist" than I will accept that label. (And oh, just look at the bundle of worms I just opened....!)



The best way for me to look at this is to examine my family. I'm the most liberal person perhaps on either side of my family - the family I was born into, and the family I joined through marriage. I learned a long time ago how to make myself busy in the kitchen when political conversations came up, or to find a need to attend to with Tessa, or to find someone else in the room who wasn't talking politics. I know where I stand on the political spectrum.... and I know where my family stands. I don't feel a need to convert anyone, especially when I see that their passion is equal to my own and frankly they're not looking for conversion.



But you know what? I love my family. As individuals, they support me, love me, and share their lives with me. I do not always share their viewpoints, but this is okay. I know that they love their children, that they honor their families, that they do their best to do their best. I also know that one person's definition of 'best' is different than another's.



I do not judge them - or I try very hard not to - because I do not wish to be judged.



I know who I am, and I know what I believe in, and I feel good about those things. I am confident in my faith, in my politics, in my social, political, and religious viewpoints. I try VERY hard to live according to my own values, and to reach out to those less fortunate to myself, and to be a positive influence in my own small circles, offering smiles, friendship, and compassion to everyone in my path. I don't always succeed in this, of course, but I try to remember that nobody's perfect and to learn from my mistakes.



I have to learn the lessons over, and over, and over again. I make a lot of mistakes.



Anyway, in this election, there are many hot buttons to vote for, or against. It drives me absolutely crazy when people make their vote based on gut reaction, rather than facts, but that is their perogative. I also recognize that some people will look at the same facts that I'm looking at and draw different conclusions.



There are many McCain supporters in my life, and I love them, despite my distaste for the McCain/Palin ticket. Whoever wins the election, some people in my family will "lose," seeing their value system get voted down. This is tragic in so many ways, but it is a reality of democracy - it's impossible for everyone to win. I will try to remember that if Obama wins, and I'm cheering and happy, that those on the other side will still need love and tenderness and listening. And I hope that those who vote for McCain will behave that way towards me if McCain wins instead.



Family - ahhhh. Such a complicated mess. Somehow, though, we have managed to stick it out this far, to continue to respect one another, and to refrain from engaging one another in debate about our hot buttons when we know that we ought to refrain. We could debate each other into the ground, but it would serve no purpose, so instead, we love one another even if we do an occassional roll of our eyes when we get home.


This gives me room to be hopeful.

And into recovery...

I looked at the clock a few minutes ago and realized that, if I'd stuck with the plan, at this moment I'd be getting wheeled out of the OR and into recovery.

Based on my horrible dreams about surgery last night, it's probably a good thing that I didn't have surgery today. I wish that it was over with, and behind me, but if dreams are omens then my dreams were telling me to back off! In my dreams they did the surgery and when I woke up I had returned to double mastectomies, and they told me that it was impossible to fix anything and that this time it was permanent and I'd never have any kind of breasts or breast mounds ("foobs") again. I woke up feeling terribly sad and panicked, relieved that it was just a dream.

I do wish it was behind me, though.

Instead of surgery today, I have carpooled to school with another child (in addition to Tessa), volunteered in the classroom, done chores at home, and now I'm getting ready for a baby shower.

Life goes on.

I can hardly wait....

...for November 4.

It should strike nobody here as a suprise that I will be voting for Obama - I don't hide my liberal light under a bushel.

Of course, I'll be glad when machines stop calling my telephone to tell me who to vote for. I'll be glad to stop hearing "he said she said they said" stories in the news about the candidates.

But mostly, I will just be glad if my candidate wins. I really, truly, deeply believe that the Obama/Biden ticket is what this country needs right now, and that Obama is a candidate that I can believe in. I believe that he will promote peace, that he will work for all American people, and that he will repair some of the damage done to the US in the eyes of the world under the reign of G.W.

I think that if I see "Obama wins" I will weep genuine tears of joy. Our country needs a change, desperately, and I think that Obama is that change. The polls are in his favor right now, and I'm very hopeful.

And don't even get me started on Sarah Palin. She frightens me - enough said.

Fingers crossed and praying....

So I'll try to quit complaining

Today I was driving home from Alki and I saw a man at the side of the road who had fallen out of his motorized wheelchair. I pulled over, and ran back down the sidewalk to help him; another woman saw it as well, and she was there when I reached him.

The man had hit the curb as he tried to get off the road he was crossing and back onto the sidewalk, and it had thrown him from his chair.

He was an amputee on one leg, and his shoe had been tossed in the fall, revealing a diseased foot on the other leg; I immediately suspected diabetes. His pants tore to skin his knee, and his hands were bleeding, too; his skin was pretty fragile looking everywhere I could see it, and not just because of the fall.

He was more embarrassed and annoyed than anything, and by the time I'd parked the car and reached him, he'd lifted himself back into his chair; I suspect he's had this experience before, and he knew how to handle it. I got the impression that he was grateful for my help (which, actually, he didn't need) but was also embarrassed by his public fall and wished I'd disappear....so I did, once I was sure he would be okay.

Except... though he was set to rights and off and going in his chair, I don't know that he IS okay. I suspect some pretty serious health issues and a lack of money to go with them.

So, I have a little perspective today as I clean my house, bake cookies for a friend, and go about my day. Gratitude in my heart for my life, and prayers for this stranger.

Junk Mail

As part of my plan to save the planet and to save my pocketbook, I'm trying to cancel all catalogs.

When I get the mail, I almost always have catalogs. This year, I'm taking a moment to cancel each one before sending it to recycling. I figure this will cut back on the immense quantity of junk coming through my house - if I don't get the catalog, that's one savings; if I don't look at the catalog, I'm not tempted to buy things I don't need. (If I needed things, I could look them up online.)

Let's see if this works. Yesterday I dropped 2; today I dropped 3.

Green & frugal grocery shopping

Okay, so I've learned a thing or two in the past year or so as I've tried to green up my grocery shopping, buying sustainable, local food that reduces packaging waste, plastic, etc. Maybe you knew all of this, but here are some of the tips that I'm using:

- Eliminate cooking spray. I have a little silicone brush that I use instead - I just pour a dab of oil (very little) and then brush it around. This means that that nasty aerosol can doesn't go into the garbage, I don't get additives in my oil, I spend less. I have one of those Misto sprayers but mine always sprays in a stream and it is kind of a pain to use, so I like the brush method better.

- Bulk bins are your friend, and they're even better if you bring in reusable containers. I can buy organic oats for $1.33/pound, and there's no packaging if I bring my own bag. Even if I don't bring my own bag, and opt for (gasp!) a plastic sack, it's a lot LESS plastic than the plastic lid on the oatmeal container. Whatever container you use, it tends to be cheaper in bulk...especially because you can buy the quantity you need. (E.g. I used to buy a bag of pine nuts, but some would spoil before I could use them. Now, if I need a 1/4 cup, I buy a 1/4 cup.)

- Bulk spices are mega cheap compared to bottled ones. I reuse my old bottles, and refill them from the bins, and keep my old bottles out of the recycling bin (reduce, REUSE, recycle).

- Seasonal local produce is often the cheapest thing in the grocery store - it's not trendy/elitist at all. To the contrary, it really is eating like our grandparents did. For example? Local, organic, Cameo apples were $1.99/pound, and same for local organic Bartlett pears. They were the two cheapest fruits available to me in the store today (organic fruits, anyway - I no longer look at conventional prices because it's depressing!).

- Cooking from scratch tends to be greener AND cheaper. Yes, it takes more time, and not everyone can do this. But it's greener because there's less packaging involved, it's usually healthier because there are no preservatives etc, and it's cheaper because you're not paying for labor.

- Meat is expensive. Period. I'm learning ways to reduce meat intake, which is better for the environment as a whole, as well as better for my body. I'm not going vegetarian any time in the foreseeable future, but I'm learning to use a little. More veggies and less meat in the stirfry; moo shu pork instead of pork roast; eggs instead of meat in an entree; lentils with just a bit of sausage.

- Read labels for locations. When two products look exactly the same, I read where they're from. If I have a choice of made in the US vs. someplace far away, I choose the US product. (Funny, that sounds patriotic. Hmmm!)

- It's cheap and easy to make granola, and to make bread (with a bread machine). Save on packaging and processing and make your own!

- I shop first, and then make dinner menus second. Unfortunately, this usually takes two grocery trips: one for the main items, and then one for the fill-in-the-gaps items for the recipes. This allows me to buy seasonal (greener) local food but not break the budget. The second grocery trip is usually just for a few items.

- Repeat items. On the week that apples are in season, we get apples in our lunch every day. We eat a lot of strawberries in season. We're about to enter squash season, and we'll eat a lot of it, prepared in different ways. We get a ton of diversity throughout the year, but not necessarily within the seasons. Insalata caprese is an end of summer dish; leeks are a winter dish. If broccoli is on sale, we eat broccoli all week. This is a major change for our family - we've eaten according to our whims in the past.

- Buying larger, not individual, size portions. With yogurt, I think that this cuts the cost and the plastic packaging substantially, for example.

More to follow - gotta cook dinner!

Edited to add: I'd really like to hear your green, frugal, healthy food ideas. My grocery bill is still higher than I'd wish, and I know I still have a lot to learn.

Tips from another:
http://www.daveramsey.com/etc/newsletters/company/092608.cfm#2

Another whirlwind week

Monday morning, and all is well.

Ryan is at work, Tessa is at school, I've done some grocery shopping, and I'm confronting my "to do" list at the moment. Okay, with a little blog break.

Fall weather has hit full force -there is a damp chill in the air, and it's rained quite a bit today. I'm wearing my down vest INDOORS because my house is at 66 - this really better be impacting the environment and our heat bills positively, because I'm positively chilled. I'm determined to stay the course, however, and I can put on another sweater if necessary!

Yesterday we enjoyed a nice church service (Tessa got to learn about Thoreau's time at Walden Pond), and then our family did lots of chores. Ryan got rid of old fence boards at the dump, I baked banana bread to use up some bananas that were going to the dark side (and Tessa helped), and Tessa and I weeded the vegetable garden and pulled out the dead tomato plants etc. The bonus of weeding was that we discovered some veggies left over! We got two acorn squash, a number of patty-pan (starburst) squash, a dinner's worth of carrots, some onions, and even a few ripe tomatoes.

Last night for dinner we put our garden crop to good use - I made a stir fry with chicken (organic chicken breasts at TJs for $6.99 a pound!), tamari, white wine, ginger and garlic, and I used all these fresh veggies from our garden, in addition to some broccoli I'd already planned on using and some brown rice (organic from the bins at PCC). It was delicious and oh-so-satisfying -simple food that tasted fresh. Ryan's got the leftovers for lunch today.

And today I'm doing chores, planning for a busy week. Tessa has yoga today and ballet tomorrow; Wednesday Ryan and I are attending our first of six Sanity Circus classes (a silly name for a great parenting class - it's a positive discipline approach to parenting for elementary aged kids)....the week will be busy.

And now, off to the races.

Bring out the tissues

I'm about to start watching a Lifetime movie called Living Proof about the doctor who brought Herceptin to market.

Preparing for a cryfest.

PS It stars Harry Connick Jr....bonus.

Edited to add:
I'm watching women on TV discovering lumps.
Attending their first chemo.
Crying with their families.
Trying new drugs.

It makes me cry.

Dinner with Gagging

Remind me not to make my family Split Pea Soup with Ham ever again.

Gagging, choking, and other lovely sound effects from the little one. Terror in the eyes of the big one.

Oh my.

Tonight I served leftovers of aforementioned soup to Tessa since Ryan's in Portland. The gagging increased about 100 times for the reheated version.

I told Tessa I wouldn't make it again for a long time and she actually cheered.

Oh well - you win some, you lose some. I guess we're done with that for the foreseeable future....!

Saturday morning

Ryan is preparing to head to Portland for the day to wish Mom & Dad S. well (Happy 55th Anniversary!), Tessa is bouncing off the walls and feeling better (though we're keeping her away from Dad to prevent unnecessary germs - sigh), and I'm sort of puttering around feeling a mite under the weather but prepared to ignore it.

It's a perfect fall day, so we hope to spend some time outdoors today.

The hard stuff

In the past year or so, I made a conscious decision to live according to my values.

This doesn't seem like such a stretch: I was proud of who I was/am, and I don't lie, cheat, or steal...so I had a head start.

But I made the vow to myself in a decision to live life more deliberately, and consciously. Unlike Thoreau, I do not have the luxury of giving up everything to try life, but I do like what he says:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the eesential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

This sums it up. I wish to live fully and completely, and in thinking about what that looked like for me, I decided that it meant identifying my values and then living according to those values, even at a cost of high inconvenience.

The green living comes from that. As long as I can remember, I've cared about my environment, and I've spent more time than most out in nature, particularly hiking the mountains and valleys of the Pacific Northwest. I grew up hiking and camping, and it is engrained in me to love the smell of a campfire, the feeling of a boot on a pine-needle trail, the splash of glacial melt from a small stream upon my face to cool off. By stating my commitment to go green, and by taking steps every day to do so, I'm living a value that I hadn't been true to. I had always cared, but I hadn't always taken steps to avoid the path of least resistance, which is often NOT green but simply old habits.

My spiritual quest comes from that, too. I've always considered myself a deeply spiritual person, but in hindsight, that was more of a hopeful label than a true one, because I wasn't doing much in the way of spiritual growth. It's not just my commitment to WSUU that makes me a more spiritual person these days (though that is a big part of it), it's committing my leisure hours to reading books about spirituality, and it's meditation, and it's deeper introspection, and it's discussion with other spiritual types about what it is we're doing and where we're trying to go. It's little things like having a little spiritual center in my house (with candles, a cross, a Buddha statuette, a picture of the Dalai Lama, a "Believe in Miracles" plaque from Caley, and some beautiful stones from nature, one of which is painted with a chalice) to remind me of what I'm striving for; it's bigger things, like attending church every weekend and becoming part of the RE council and dedicating my time to a covenant group.

My volunteering comes from this, too. The 3-Day taught me, again, how essential it is to my well being to give something of myself to my community and to the greater world. Sometimes these days I feel like I'm doing too much volunteering, some days I feel like I'm doing too little, but always I know that I'm striving in the right direction, and that taking action to make the world a slightly better place, even in the smallest of ways, is a part of my value system.

Those things are not behind me, but I still count them as successes in my life: they are my true self, and I'm proud of them, and despite my imperfections, I know I'm giving them my best and I'm happy with that even as I try to grow in those areas.

But I can't sit still, I can't believe that I have simply arrived. Those things might be the easier things.

My marriage. I have to advise anyone not yet married, that marriage is much harder than it sounds. First, you meet, find interests together, learn to have fun together, and fall in love....and that is the easy part (even though I didn't think so in my early twenties when everyone else was falling in love and I was single and wondering what I was doing wrong). The hard part is what comes after "I do," when life hands you things you've never expected, like cancer, and lay-offs, and depression, and ten surgeries in three years, and you're broke and frustrated and disconnected from one another and wondering how on earth you got so far from where you started. Anyone who has been married a decade or more is certain to nod their heads - it is a very small number of individuals who do not survive a decade of marriage without some pretty serious interruptions, despite the good intentions of both parties.

So, marriage wasn't exactly what I expected, but I have recommitted to it, over and over, and I'm striving to be the partner that I ought to be, that I want to be. Ryan has also been recommitting, and together we are making stupendous progress with one another, and I am so grateful for that that I barely know where to begin with it. It amazes me to think that holding on to marriage is a value....I thought love held marriages together, but I am learning that love isn't enough, not nearly. Love for another person is so much, true, but when the world is upside down and nothing is as you expected, I think that its ones values that keep a marriage together.

(Note: I am fortunate, I have not experienced abuse or infidelity of any sort in my marriage. I am NOT extolling the virtue of sticking it out in an abusive relationship, ever. I'm talking about a different kind of marriage than that. What is true of my marriage commitment perhaps should NOT be true of all marriages, and I recognize the need for gray in that spectrum.)

And the other big one....money.

Oh, money. Frankly, if you'll pardon my language, money is a giant pain in the you-know-what. (Okay, I'll keep this PG, but you get my point.) Money is so stressful!

But I'm determined to live according to my values with money, too, and I'm slowly ocming to the realization that I haven't been doing that, not at all.

No, I'm not in bankruptcy, and I haven't been forging checks, and I haven't taken out multiple mortgages on the house....nothing like that. It's much more subtle than that (fortunately).

I think that I had just been telling myself that I deserved certain things, and despite my scorn for those who try to keep up with the Jones', I think I'd been doing it in some ways. Not in cars (our 8 year old Subie probably isn't going to win any luxury car contests), but in other, smaller things. Like eating out at nice resturants, like ordering take-out when I didn't feel like cooking, like too many lattes and pastries (what's with the food theme?!), like too many trips to Target and Marshall's to buy things that I don't need.

This week I, once again, took a trip to Goodwill. I filled up almost the entire Subie - how ridiculous! Some of it is explainable - Tessa outgrows clothes, shoes, and toys - but some of it is just embarrassing. These are things that we had purchased, that we now dispose of....not into a landfill, but that means that we wasted good money.

I am fortunate, I do not have much "need." I don't "need" new furniture, dishes, books, house....I have enough, and even more than enough. I don't "need" new clothes or shoes, because my closet is overflowing. Our house is full of music, books, and the small pleasures in life.

So now I'm trying to live according to my financial values, and it's hard....harder than carrying a bag so I don't take plastic bags, harder than "no impulse shopping" even when that's part of it.

Now, our family has to cut back so that we can get out of debt, and live according to our financial values. We're going to have to really watch our budgets, eating more lentils than steak (well, at least that's good for the environment and our bodies!), in order to get ahead.

Living according to my financial values would look like this:
- debt free
- at least 10% contributions to retirement 401(k) and IRA
- regular contributions to Tessa's college fund (529)
- save for items before buying them
- "vote with my dollar" for ethical purchases (e.g. organic cotton)
- not buying disposable items (stuff destined for a landfill)
- regular contributions to charity and church and political beliefs/candidates
- keeping a sizable emergency fund

We have a long way to go to check off the items on that list. First, we have to work hard starting where we're at. But I'm identifying these values, and I'm determined to make it work, balancing all the other values.

It's hard. It's not even a little bit easy. But I'm trying.

Living deliberatly, or as Oprah says, living consciously. I think that there is something to it.

Tessa update

Well, our little bouncy girl is alternately bouncy and fatigued. I thought she was quite well, and while I was chatting on the phone with Grammy she about drove me nuts following me around and being loud and goofy....but then the Tylenol wore off and she started feeling crummy. She (by her own choosing) is back in bed, has had a throat lozenge, and she's getting rest.

We did do hair - my hair currently holds every single barrette that Tessa owns. (It's impressive, if I may say so myself.) We went through the attic, organizing things, getting rid of yet more stuff, and taking out Tessa's snow-stuff to see if it fits (boots: no; hats, no; gloves/mittens: no; pants: maybe; jacket: yes....thank goodness it was a bit big last year!). I vacuumed up and down, and we cleaned up Tessa's room together.

And I will not tell you how many chocolate chip cookies I've eaten today, or you will think that I have absolutely no willpower.

Anyway, a sick day for a minor illness (and I do thank God it's minor) is a small blessing. I wouldn't wish Tessa to feel crummy, but we've been chatting, we had lunch together (she was hungry but didn't eat much), and we've been playing. I like just being with her....

Growing pains?

I just measured Tessa on the chart in her room. She grew 3/4 of an inch since Sept. 17, which was (coincidentally) the last time I measured her. It wasn't my imagination that she's growing in leaps and bounds!

Staying Home

Well, here we are.

Tessa's throat is scratchy, she's running a bit hot, and she feels achy and tired.

School has been contacted, our carpool ride has been contacted, Daddy has been told. Next, we need to notify the Portland folks....we're not going anywhere.

DRAT!!!!

Tessa is fine - it's just one of those bugs going around. I, too, woke up with a scratchy throat but I hope that mine will disappear quickly.

Yesterday Tessa didn't want to do much besides vege in front of the TV (which I don't usually let her do, so it's a treat when she's sick), so I baked. I made sunflower seed bread, chocolate chip cookies, AND new granola.

(Note to those in the know: how come my granola didn't clump nicely? I followed the recipe and it tastes good but it didn't get those little crunchy clumps that are so delicious.)

The tablecloths and soup were delivered to the pot-luck at Alki, and I'm told the event went well.

Today? Not sure what we'll do - not baking, though. I'll take care of some filing (I let it pile up again -ugh), do a few chores around here....not much. Maybe Tessa and I will paint our nails later in the day.

Bunkering down. Fortunately, I went grocery shopping earlier this week, and we're all stocked up. Nothing much to do but heal.

Change of plans

Well, I was going to be helping to put on the kindergarten social this evening; this week I've been exchanging emails and phone calls, shopping for last minute items, and getting things organized to bring the Alki kindergarten families together.

Well, change in plans. Par for the course, I guess!

I spent the morning volunteering in Tessa's classroom, and she was fine. I got a call at 1:30pm from the school nurse saying that Tessa felt ill and had been resting for 45 minutes in her office. Uh oh! I thought she might be faking (she looked great earlier...) but no, indeed, she is sick.

So, I'm madly sending out email, getting someone to pick up my potluck dish at 5pm, and getting someone else to deliver the tablecloths to my co-coordinator right after school.

Bummer.

Tessa is okay, just tired and achy...I'm sure it's just a bug, and another child went home sick, too. But it's no fun, so I need to pamper my girl.

Love of family

It's no secret that I love my family - anybody who has read more than two of my posts should have it figured out by now. My family is my number one concern, and I'd place the happiness of my family as a whole (of course, I'm including myself in the term "family") over my happiness of myself as an individual. I've tried it both ways, but when I'm putting family second I feel regret, remorse, guilt and it's just not worth it to me.

This weekend, I thought I was putting family first by sending Ryan solo to spend a day celebrating his parents' anniversary in Portland, believing that it would give Ryan some 1:1 time with his brother on the way down, and that Tessa needed to have a quiet weekend, and that everybody would come out just fine. I have a new perspective this morning, however.

Last night we received the information that Ryan's dad had been admitted to the hospital to check out some internal bleeding.

A whole new perspective.

I'm packing up our family, and we'll head to Portland together this weekend. Tessa needs to give her Bopa a hug. Ryan needs me at his side, offering him support, so that he can support his parents. We ALL need to celebrate the anniversary, whether it's in a hospital or in a resturant (as originally planned). Family first.

We'd planned on being home together on Sunday to attend church, but I think that church would want us to be with our family. We can listen to the podcast of the service, and we're involved in other church activities through the week, so we're still getting the community aspects.

Mom & Dad S., I send you my love and wishes for healing. As Jaki (who knows from personal experience) says, "Aging isn't for sissies!" I hope and pray that Dad will be returned to good health immediately. We can't wait to see you this weekend. We love you, and we love being part of your family.

PS This puts my surgery postponement into some perspective. I'm still not happy about it, and I'm still dealing with it, but I'm managing it.

A battle of the wills: The victor is declared

I've been having this internal battle with myself since learning of the out of pocket costs for my upcoming surgery.

One of the voices in my head says, "Do it now! You need this! You deserve this! Get it over with!" and the other voice says, "You've made it this far, you can go a bit farther. It's hard enough to manage your finances without paying an additional $2000 that you can avoid. It's not preventing the surgery, it's just a delay."

The second voice has won. I called and rescheduled, and now my surgery is January 8. This was the earliest date in the year that I could get on the surgery schedule; hopefully I'll be fully recovered by Tessa's birthday. Okay, I won't be FULLY recovered, but hopefully I'll be recovered enough.

I talked to my therapist yesterday, and to Ryan last night, and to the girls on the breast cancer boards, and to a couple of friends. My therapist said that I should think about what I could do to feel like I'm putting myself first, even if I delay the surgery. This is what I'm thinking of now. How can I make myself feel rich and worthy, despite this decision? I'm open to ideas on this one. Of course, I don't want to spend money on myself right now - if I was doign that I'd just have the surgery - but my life isn't about money, so maybe I can come up with a better idea. Any genius ideas floating around out there that you can share?

Doing the right thing is difficult. It comes at a cost. Hopefully, I will come to realize that the cost of not doing the right thing would be even higher, and I can revel in that. Hopefully.

Difficult Decisions

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

I am scheduled to have surgery on October 23rd. I've done my pre-op appointment, I've got childcare lined up, and I've arranged for my own babysitters during the 24 hour surveilance period after the surgery when Ryan's at work.

I've also started looking into the financial ramifications of this surgery, and I found out a few things:
1. This is going to cost $2000 out of pocket, which happens to (coincidentally) be the maximum annual out of pocket for our new insurance
2. The new health insurance operates on a calendar year, and so even though we didn't start with this company until Oct. 1, the out of pocket restarts on Jan.1.

Because of that, and because of the fact that I use up all of my out-of-pocket costs most years, I am looking at postponing my surgery until the new year and effectively saving us $2000.

This is not a decision I want to make. That is an understatement, actually. The way I really feel about it is essentially unprintable; it involves a lot of four letter words and foot stamping and whining and the kind of crying that is really snotty.

I hate my expanders. In addition to the fact that they look terrible, and they're deformed, and my breasts are no longer on the same parallel and it's even visible when I'm fully clothed, the expanders hurt. Sometimes they're merely uncomfortable, sometimes they're painful, but they're always present in my life. They disrupt my sleep (imagine sleeping on baseballs implanted under your skin, and you've about got it), they make me uncomfortable in my own body. I hate them, and this surgery is all about getting rid of them.

So, I have a conflict. Financial concerns versus physical concerns. What kind of decision is that?! It's completely unfair to me to have to make that kind of decision, and it sucks. Yes, sucks. There is no more literary term to define it: sucks is about the only word that will suffice.

I am strongly leaning towards postponing the surgery. Our family has aquired too much debt through this process already, and we already have payment plans set up with two hospitals. We don't need to add $2000 to that pile....if I do the surgery in October, we will aquire $4000 in medical expenses between now and Dec 2009, but if I do the surgery in January, we will "only" acquire $2000 in medical expenses. (Not including copays, prescriptions, or other "not included" categories...but I won't go there for the sake of this post.)

I'm trying to be an adult about it. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not putting off the surgery indefinately, only for a couple of months. I'm trying to remind myself that financial intelligence sometimes involves making difficult decisions, and that I'm not immune from avoiding difficulties, either. I'm trying to remember that a few years from now, a few months one way or the other won't make much of a difference, but paying interest on credit cards for that same time might still be making a difference.

I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and do what is right for my family, not just for me.

I'm trying to remember that I have dealt with much, much worse stuff in my life. I'm trying to remember that it's "only" reconstruction, and it's not a life-saving technique.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I'm so dreadfully tired of having surgery hanging over my head, and that I just want it over with.

I'm trying to remember that I am allowed to put myself first.

I'm trying to remember that making a decision that benefits my family will make me feel good, too.

I'm trying.

If you pray, please put in a prayer for me that I will make the right decision about this, whatever that might be. I have not decided what I should do, or what I must do, or what I can do; I have not decided if should and can are the same thing. If I postpone the surgery, I do not know how to remove the black cloud from over my head; if I have the surgery now I do not know how to avoid feeling guilty at the cost.

I would love to have an answer. Anybody have advice?

Monday morning

It's a cool fall day, and I can tell it's breezy even from inside because the hanging bats on our porch (Happy Halloween) are swinging wildly back and forth, and the wind chimes on the back deck are tinkling away. I love days like today: not wet, but cool, crisp, and filled with gorgeous fall colors. Most of the neighborhood trees are still covered in leaves, but the leaves are an amazing array of color.

The weekend at the cabin was wonderful, but all too short. We hot tubbed, listened to music, read, drank wine, prepared a nice dinner, ate way too much, and just enjoyed it overall. Ryan worked on the cabin bike for hours, and appeared to be in nirvana as he puttered and corrected and concentrated on the bike, sitting on the deck of the cabin amidst all that scenery. Tessa got to hike the whole property on her own for the first time, with the promise that she'd stay close enough to hear me if I called her, and she romped in the fields and down the paths, the two dogs close at her side. Marisa and I got some much needed girl-chatting done.

My only complaint was that it seemed as though as soon as we got there it was time to go home. No fair!

On the way home, I got an unexpected treat. As usual, we had to wait a couple of hours in the ferry lineup, and so Tessa and I were reading. Only this time, Tessa read to me! We have a silly book designed for early readers that has perhaps 20-30 words per page, and Tessa read me the first fifteen pages pretty much all on her own. It was startling to me to watch her connect with the language, and to see how many sight words she's picked up in the past few weeks, and how good she's gotten at phonetics. I was giddy with excitement to see how much she has learned recently - it was fabulous. She's read other books with perhaps 10 repeated words, and though this book was quite simple it was still much more complex than that. Hurrah for reading! And best of all....Tessa was as excited as I was, and her eyes sparkled and danced, and she obviously feels great pride an excitement in her progress.

We're a family of readers. Wow. For me, this is a dream come true. I have a daughter who reads....and I can't even explain how this touches my heart. It's another sign of a babyhood long gone, which is hard, but it's also a sign of how incredibly interesting Tessa is - she's interested in the world around her, and she's become such an amazing companion. I deeply enjoy being with her.

And speaking of which.....driving home, we had a deep conversation about houses. Houses? Yes. Tessa started asking about how different houses were constructed, and what materials would be needed, and how people in different countries lived. It became a conversation about how LITTLE one truly "needs" in order to live, and Tessa drew her own conclusions about how amazing our home is, and how little she would require in order to be merely comfortable. Again, we talked about Laura Ingalls and how she had only a corn-cob doll for a toy, and we discussed how many toys we had at our house. And then Tessa came up with multiple ideas about how she could build houses. She decided that she could fill a bucket with mud and straw, and let it sit for a few days until it dried out, and make bricks one at a time like that, and then use the bricks to build. The wheels were turning, and I could see her social conscience building, and I could see her making connections previously not made, and I could see her taking it all in.

It's good to be Tessa's mother. I am so immensely grateful for the experience of having Tessa in my life. Of all of the children in the world, I could have been given anyone...but I was given this amazing daughter who suits me so well, and whose ideas make me think, and whose compassion and kindness make me melt.

Sure, she's a kid, and she can annoy me like no other person on the planet. But even in the midst of the annoyance, I'm pretty amazed by who she is.

And now, this Monday morning, I'm still puttering around the house and putting the morning mess back together: breakfast dishes put away, beds made, toothbrush slop (yuck) wiped up, the weekend mail off the dining room table, and the rest. Laundry is running, Tessa is at school, and I've finished my first big mug of coffee.

And the rest of the day? Today, in addition to chores, I'm trying to organize my thoughts around what I want to accomplish with my day, my week, my month, my life. I'm trying to spend time doing things I won't regret. I'm trying to listen to music while I clean, and I'm trying to stop multi-tasking when I do other things. I'm trying to manage our finances (why is that so hard?!), to manage our nutrition, to tread lightly on the planet (amazingly, this takes a lot of effort), to care for our home, to care for myself, to care for my friends, to care for my family.

It's a big list. Today, I'm working on breaking it down into smaller pieces, and putting it back together in some order. Okay, that's what I'm ALWAYS working on, but today I'm working on it intentionally and with purpose. Wish me luck!

24 hours of relaxation

Tomorrow morning, the three of us plus Shep will get up at the crack of dawn and head out to pick up Marisa and her dog Max, and we'll head to Marisa's Orcas cabin. It's been a busy week, and we are glad to have a little getaway with a dear friend and to spend some time in nature.

Today was a good day. Tessa was home (no school because of an in service day) and we puttered around the house in the morning, getting this and that and nothing in particular done. I drank my coffee, Tessa played, and then she painted my face with the Halloween face paints and a bunch of my old makeup (I'm worried when I think how old it is....I just don't wear the stuff more than once a month.). We took a bubble bath, we talked, we sang, and we just had great bonding time. In the afternoon we ran a bunch of errands together, but somehow, even that was fun.

Ryan got home for a simple dinner (simpler than I'd intended because the dish I'd planned on making centered around chard, and the chard took a turn for the worse today and I couldn't use it) and we had laughter at the dinner table.

Now, the dry food is packed, the suitcase (we can share one because it's such a short trip) is packed, the clothes are laid out, and we're almost ready to go.

Now, time to sleep - and in the morning the fun begins.

Small steps

We never used to pack our lunches.

Every day, Ryan bought lunch. This was just how it was. When I was teaching, I often bought lunches, as well.

No longer. We're realizing how we have nickel-and-dimed ourselves, and we're packing lunches every day. It's annoying (being green and frugal isn't always fun!) but still worth it.

Today we're having turkey sandwiches on home made bread. Mine has avocado, Tessa's has cheese, and Ryan's has mustard and cheese. Add some fruit for Tessa and I, throw in a string cheese for Tessa's snack, and additionally give Ryan some cheese and crackers, and we each have lunch prepared and sitting in our reusable lunch bags on the counter. (Mine is done, too, because I am volunteering in the classroom this morning and then going to a doctor's appointment, so I figured I'd better be prepared.)

Many people do this daily and always have. For me, it's a re-learning process. I'm learning, albeit slowly.

Now, off to wake up the girl....

"No impulse purchases!"

I have taught Tessa this expression, and we repeat it to one another when we're in stores and feeling tempted by the wealth of goods around us.

Today I went to Tully's without Tessa to meet Michele, and I bought two pink coffee mugs, thinking that they'd be a hit with Tessa, and that she could have cocoa or mint tea in them, sharing with a friend. Plus, part of the proceeds went to breast cancer research. How cool is that?

Well, I've decided, not cool at all.

Impulse shopping.

We have a zillion mugs, none of which are pink. Oh, except the zillion teacups that we have, half of which are pink in tone. Oh, and the china mugs picked up for a song at Marshall's a few years ago. They're nicer than these mugs, but cost half (a quarter?) as much, and the girls feel fancy when they use them. One is broken...but five remain. Despite my initial rationale, we have plenty of pink mugs.

And the money to breast cancer? Possibly pinkwashing. "A portion of the proceeds" could have meant a single penny per mug, and at $7.99 each it's not much of a contribution no matter how much they donated. And let's face it, I've donated a lot to breast cancer already. (Starting with donating my breasts to science....ugh.)

I went to put the mugs in the dishwasher for pre-use, and all this hit me. It's not very green to buy things you don't need, and I don't know what I was thinking.

Tomorrow when I drop Tessa off at school I'll swing by Tully's to return them and ask for a refund. That will feel much better than keeping them, in this case. Maybe I *can* be taught, but I swear, I am a very slow learner. It would have been better not to buy them in the first place, but this is better than naught.

History Lessons

I have heard more mentions than usual about The Great Depression lately. Our current economic woes are the worst since "the" Depression, according to every news report I see.

I realized today that I knew just about exactly when the Depression started, but couldn't remember when it ended. Here's what Wikipedia reminded me:

The Great Depression was a worldwide economic downturn starting in most places in 1929 and ending at different times in the 1930s or early 1940s for different countries. It was the largest and most important economic depression in modern history, and is used in the 21st century as a benchmark on how far the world's economy can fall. The Great Depression originated in the United States; historians most often use as a starting date the stock market crash on October 29, 1929, known as Black Tuesday. The end of the depression in the U.S. is associated with the onset of the war economy of World War II, beginning around 1939.[1]

A whole decade - ohhhhhhhhhh. And it ended through a war. (Oh, yah, that's right. I must have blocked that out due to not wanting to remember.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Depression

What about Great Depressions that start in the middle of a war?

I think we're in some really, really deep trouble. Apparently it's time to relearn the history lesson.

-----------

Today's thoughts are enough to make me sink into Great Depression.

PollyAnna, honey? Can you come out? Please? I need you.....

The sun is shining. My house is filled with tomatoes in various stages of ripening. My daughter read me a book last night. "Come to the zany zoo! Come to see the...." and then she filled in with the picture clues. The best part? At the end, they listed all of the sight words in random order....and she correctly identified them all, even without context. Ahhhhh.

Many things to be happy about, even in hard times.

(Thanks, PollyAnna.)

Speculation

Tessa attends elementary school with several Somali children (some of whom have become favorites of mine on the playground due to their bright smiles, incredible manners, and the compassion shown to Tessa when she had an inevitable playground injury that caused tears but not blood). One child in her class speaks Somali but not English.

I'm trying to speculate about this. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to be in a room full of strangers speaking another language all day...at the age of five. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to have an alphabet placed before you when you can't figure out why or what it's for. I see how worn out Tessa is from her day at kindergarten, and I can't get my mind around what it's like for a non-English speaker in an English speaking classroom. I can't even imagine.

I'm trying to imagine what the Somali children have witnessed in their lives. I started doing internet research this morning, and I found myself weeping. I am not reading about distant people in a distant land....I'm reading about Tessa's classmates. I'm not reading about faceless people, I'm reading about little children and I can see their faces before me.

How can I not weep?

Americans are advised not to travel to Somalia because of the violence in the streets. The violence, I read, is unpredictable.

What are these children's stories? What did they see before I met them on the playground? What horrors have they coped with?

I know that I lose my temper with Tessa, being grouchy and loud with her, when I've had a hard day. I wonder what a hard day looks like to a Somali. I bet it makes my hard days look pretty easy.

It's all speculation, and I want to be careful to remember that these are individuals, just children, and not representatives of their nation. But I also want to be sensitive to what they may have witnessed in their lives.

Reading about Somalia, I wanted to run to school to grab these children and hold them in my arms and weep with them. Of course, I will do no such thing, and if I did I'm pretty certain that I'd terrify them rather than comforting them....I'm not crazy, and I know at least that much. I can't erase the memories that I imagine some of them have seen. And I can only speculate what those memories might be. And maybe they're lucky, maybe they don't have the kind of memories that I'm thinking of. But somewhere, some children do. It's hard to know what to do about that kind of information except to weep.

I am grateful that my daughter will learn friendship with these children. When she grows up, and she reads about Muslims in the news, she will not think of Islamic terrorists, she will think of her friends. I am so, so grateful for that.

Even as I weep.

Well, if not that...

...then this.

Today I came home for the first time in weeks not thinking about the book. As this idea swirled around in my head, I became increasingly unclear about what I was to do.

Our personal economics could certainly stand a financial boost from this kind of project, but if it is out of my hands, then what?

Today, I don't have any grand answers to that question, but I do know this: I'm going to work on the house. The CDs need organizing out of their big pile (which is threatening to careen off the cabinet and crash on the floor), I still haven't moved some summer clothes out of the drawers, and major decluttering is in order.

I may not be bringing in an income, but I'm certainly not out of things to do.

Fingers crossed

I attended a town council this week to present my book proposal. Initially, I had hoped that this was a rubber-stamp approval; the town had a surplus, and I know I can do great work on this project.

Then, the economy started failing even more than before, with all of those tangibles about the economic failure. And the tax revenue projections for this town changed, and it became clear that the town surplus might be a deficit.

The town is looking for alternate funding, but I no longer am holding my breath that this project is going to pan out. I'm told that it will happen "eventually" but given current economic conditions, that might be a long time from now.

Damn.

It's not over 'til it's over, but it doesn't look good.

At least my presidential pick is ahead in the polls....!

Learning curve

Yesterday Ryan and I were discussing the fact that life is a huge learning curve, and there's no "no I've learned it so I can coast" periods. Right now that lesson is increasingly evident to me - I am aware that the learning must continue, and that despite the many lessons under my belt I have many more to learn.

I'm struggling to be a working mom, even when working is only 10 hours per week from home. Actually, the "from home" part is the hardest. When I'm sitting here, the laundry calls, the coffee calls, the telephone rings, the dog wants walking, and there are so many distractions. Writing is difficult to settle into; I find myself seeking distractions when I shouldn't. That word "shouldn't" is a tough one; I know what I should be doing and then feel the guilt of not doing it.

In my adult life I've learned to avoid procrastination because it's not rewarding to procrastinate and I love my rewards; in writing, somehow, I must learn this lesson again.

To that end, I'm structuring my week so that I remember what I should be doing and when. Monday is chore and errand day (groceries, housework, etc.); Tuesday and Wednesday are writing days (book); Thursday is volunteer day (and my regular morning in the Alki classroom); and Friday is everything-else day, including doctor's appointments, time for myself, and catching up on whatever got behind in the week. With this new schedule, hopefully I can keep myself on track.

Ryan and I are working really hard on our marriage right now, too: coasting did not do us any favors. The work is difficult, but I am certain that it is worthwhile.

I'm trying to be on track for cooking healthy meals for my family, and finding creative, inexpensive, earth-friendly food choices. To this end, I've started making my own granola. I made the first batch yesterday and it's delicious, and i'm already imagining lots of different varieties. My first batch has a lot of pumpkin seeds, which lend a delicious flavor; I think next time I'll work with pecans.

All of these things take time. More time than I know where to find! But bit by bit, I'm making progress. I think it's two steps forward, one step back; some days it's more like one and three-quarter steps back. But even small progress is enough, I hope.

I'm working on it.

Virtuous food (mostly)

Tonight for dinner I'm making "Hearty Lentil Soup," a recipe from a cookbook gifted to me recently (thanks, Sarah). The cookbook is "Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone" by Deborah Madison, and I'm excited to start experimenting with more vegetarian fare.

Part of my reasons for shifting more toward the vegetarian end of the spectrum (I don't know that I'll ever go all the way, but closer, anyway) are for health reasons: it's well known that Americans eat too much meat, and that we're clogging our arteries etc. Another reason is budgetary: the more I learn about how feedlots work, and the more I understand about grain and chickens and cattle, the less I want to eat them unless they're grass fed, free range, etc. Expensive! Cutting meat out cuts the budget. And then of course, there are the environmental factors: meat is inefficient, and harder on our planet.

So I'm cooking vegetarian, using carrots, tomatoes, and onions from our garden, and lentils from the bulk bin at PCC, and I'm serving it with home made oatmeal bread. How virtuous of me! (wink)

But the catch? I'm adding sausage. I know, crazy, but I"m hoping that by doing so, my meat loving family will adjust to lentils....

Here's hoping my plot works!

Garden - October

Here are the latest pictures of our garden crop, which is just about all harvested.

In the end, I think we spent:

$20 on organic fertilizer

$10 on organic compost to supplement the worm bin

$15 on tomato starts

$20 on misc. starts

$20 on misc. seeds

$20 (?) on blueberry bushes

$10 on strawberry plants

...plus the extra water in the water bill, which I haven't yet calculated.

We got soaker hoses and bark mulch for free, and we used our own compost (worm bin) for most of it. So, for about $115 plus water, we got:

- several pounds of strawberries (averaging about 20 per day at the height of the season; we're still getting everbearing and alpine varieties several per day)

- about 10 blueberries - not our best crop!

- several pounds of sugar snap peas

- many pounds of carrots (still some in the ground, picked a big crop today, and we've been picking them at will for months)

- a couple pounds of starburst squash

- five enormous cabbages

- perhaps a dozen onions

- several plants of basil

- 3 cloves of garlic (many didn't grow well, only 3 heads were sizeable enough to use)

- no leeks (didn't grow well)

- two months worth of lettuce

- several pounds of radishes

- enormous quantities of rainbow chard

....and the piece de la resistance.....about 40 pounds of heirloom tomatoes!

The tomatoes are the best part, in my opinion, as they taste so much better than anything from the supermarket. The first ones came in so slowly, one here, one there....and then a couple of weeks ago I picked 13 pounds of them. Today I picked perhaps 20 pounds of them - hurrah! Many are green, so I've spread them on a tray and set them in windows (see picture of our kitchen window) and I'm hoping that they'll ripen soon.

In short? I think that our investment paid off handsomely, and I'm proud of myself. I'm delighted that Tessa is learning a connection with the earth and how to grow food, and I'm proud of the frugal elements, too. The tomatoes cost about $15 to plant, and I harvested over $100 worth (and I'm ashamed to say that many of them rotted before I picked them today - the colder/damper weather got to them....live and learn for next year), so that alone was worth the investment. Fortunately, our family likes tomatoes!

And now, I'm going to roast some tomatoes for use this winter. Simple pasta with tomato sauce will taste so much better to me remembering where the tomatoes came from. :-)

Change of plans

I had planned on working on the book all day today. I got chores done yesterday, I bustled around (and had lunch with Adrienne, which was lovely), and planned on working all day today. Change of plans! Last night, Tessa started melting down....not unheard of in these early days of kindergarten. But then her nose got stuffed, she complained of a sore throat, and she had a mild fever. Uh oh!

We're at home, and will be relaxing all day. I think that Tessa might just be overtired, and that her bug is mild, so I will take this time to relax with her, to read stories, and to get caught up on some housework while she plays. (Yes, I did chores yesterday, and laundry is caught up....but housework is never ending!)

Today is a chance to slow down. I might just stay in my PJs til noon. We'll see....

Remember....

This weekend I was on an RE (Religious Education) Council retreat. I was asked a few months ago if I'd be interested in joining the RE Council at WSUUC (church), and decided - honestly, without much thought! - to jump in.

I had no idea what a gift it would be to me. Isn't that funny how those things work sometimes?

The RE Council takes their work seriously. They want to give the children of our church community a chance to feel loved, to explore their spirituality, to nurture their souls. The RE Council approaches their work with applied intelligence, compassion, introspection, reflection, and an applied standard of excellence. And the women on the council? Amazing people, each and every one.

This weekend we worked hard. We worshiped often, we sang, and we bonded....and we worked hard at visioning the coming year for our children and families.

Today, as we rush through the morning, I'm taking a moment to write this because I want to remember the feelings of this weekend, and how strongly I felt part of something bigger than myself, and how deep my desire is to be the best I can be and to shape the world in positive ways, and I want to take that with me.

Kari told us that the great warrior tribe of Africa, the Masai, has a greeting:
"How are the children?"
The answer is,
"The children are well."

What a wonderful way of grounding a community. It's all about the children, even for the warriors.

Now off to my busy week....

Kindergarten is hard!

Tessa is struggling.

She does fine in school, but at the end of the day she is melting down. The girl is tired, tired, tired.

I'm realizing that we can plan NOTHING during the week at this time; school, ballet, and yoga and that's it. Tessa needs a good routine, bedtime at 7:30, and that's about it. Lots of snuggle time, lots of stories, home made food.

Tessa is also struggling with exclusionary behavior - she's leaving other girls out of her play intentionally. I talked to the teacher about it and my heart sank - this is absolutely NOT okay with me.

Tessa is a great kid with an amazing, compassionate heart. This is temporary, and we will fix it.

But kindergarten is hard!

Zometa

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/drugs/2008-06-01-cancer-drug-zometa_N.htm
Here's a really simple layman's article about my new drug and why I'm taking it.

And another:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/chemotherapy/new_research/20080516b.jsp

And info about the drugs that are promoting my rapid bone loss:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/side_effects/aromatase_inhibitors.jsp
I took Femara until it hurt to move, about two years into treatment, and then I switched to Aromasin. It's starting to build up the same kind of pain, but if I can last another year on it then maybe I could switch back to Femara or try Arimidex to finish out my five years on an AI.

And here's the dry abstract presented at ASCO:
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40381

Nobody knows what will save me, or how much this will improve my odds. I've done a lot of things off label:
- node dissection for removal of 25 nodes
- proph. mastectomy on the clear side
- proph. oopharectomy/hysterectomy
- Herceptin for 2 years instead of 1
- radiation after mastectomy (even though I "only" had one positive node)
- AIs instead of tamoxifen, even though I was premenopausal at diagnosis
- lost 40 pounds and I exercise and eat a healthy diet (this may be my biggest asset....?)
- reduced alcohol consumption to less than one drink per week
....and now the addition of Zometa.

I'm doing everything in my power, that is for certain.

General updates

Still green. It doesn't take quite as much of my time right now because I'm pretty used to soem of the changes. The weather's cooler now and one friend commented that my house was freezing inside; the good news is that I can no longer tell - I'm used to sweaters. Bread is baking (okay, mixing...the baking comes later) right now. The garden made it all season without any pesticides or petrochemicals. I know what to look for on cosmetics/soap labels (and have a handy reference guide in my purse to help). I send Tessa to school without plastic containers, with a cloth napkin, and so far nobody has said anything to her and a few parents have asked me where to get the containers so that they can, too. I'm feeling pretty green, even though there are so many others who put me to shame on that front. I've made lots of changes, and I'm proud of them. I'll do more, but it's not teh focus this week.

Making some book progress, though always slower than I want to.

Ryan's job is going well. Killer commute, but besides that things seem good.

Kindergarten is great, but Tessa is exhausted. If she's asleep any later than 8 then the next few days are rough (today is a case in point); kindergarten just wears her out. But today she read us a (very simple) book for the first time! It had things like "I see a _________" on each page, with picture clues, but she was really getting it. We're having more meltdowns and sassy behavior than usual, but we're working on it. I'm trying to remember that this is a stressful time for her - she's making new friends, learning new things, and there is SO much more structure than she's used to. (And she's been saying, "Mommy, I just want to stay home and play with my toys!" I don't blame her - it feels like we're gone too much.) Anyway, school is great, and she loves it....we just need more hours in teh day for sleep, play, downtime, etc.

Tomorrow is the curriculum night, and we're trying a new babysitter....a sweet teen from our church. Tessa adores her and she lives two blocks away on our street - could be very good!

Dance class is great, and Tessa practices regularly. Tessa is doing six sessions of yoga starting in a couple of weeks, sponsored by the school and a local yoga studio, and she's excited. If I ever find five minutes, I too will do more yoga.

We haven't taken the bus in a few days because we're so darned tired in the mornings....poor Shep. I think the dog is wondering what he did wrong - those long walks are so lovely.

I've lost a few pounds from being so busy, so that's good....

And speaking of which, it's almost 8pm which is when I'm heading to bed these days. YAWN!

G'night.

Overscheduled

If I'm a stay at home mom, then how come I am so completely and utterly overbooked?

Yikes. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off today....!

loss

Today I logged on to the YSC to check in. I haven't been going much - hadn't been in months until the last week - and I learned that another warrior died.

Brin is gone.
Lola is gone.
Melinda is gone.
Cathy is gone.
Shabby is gone.
Jayme is gone.

I learned of Brin today. The last update on her was September 5; she had just learned that Taxol was no longer working on her mets, and she was "prepared to fight." She died four days later.

I am sending my love, prayers, anger and fear out into the universe. These women were amazing; they were incredible. And now they're gone. It's not about me, but it still hurts. They were not my inner circle, but it still hurts.

Treatment updates

New studies are showing that Zometa, an IV bisphosphonate, is shown to reduce recurrence/mets by approximately 1/3.

Bisphosphonates are bone-building drugs, used in the treatment of osteoporosis and osteopenia (the precurser to osteoporosis). It makes sense that they'd prevent bone mets - mets tend to go after weak areas of the bone - but it's somewhat thrilling that they tend to prevent any recurrence or mets in other parts of the body as well.

So, no question as to what I will do next. I'll switch from Actonel, another bisphosponate, to Zometa, and hope that the extra help does me good.

The down side? Back to the chemo ward for IV infusions. Side effects mimicing the flu. Oh, joy. Hopefully this will prevent the downward slide of bone loss that I've already experienced (I'm osteopenic); hopefully this will help keep me NED.

It gives me chills to go near the building. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.

But I'm going to make the appointment tomorrow.

Thank God that's over

I am so glad that I will never again have a 39th birthday. It was a horrible day, and I'm glad I don't need to repeat it.

The summation? I'm not happy in my life right now. I have some pretty serious issues to work through, and I appreciate your prayers. Birthdays tend to magnify things, and yesterday everything seemed larger than life. I had a big old pity-fest.

Thank you so much to the friends and family members who tried to help me, who gave me love, who gave me gifts. I am appreciative, even if I couldn't be social and happy.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Still, I'm struggling.

More therapy.

Happy birthday to me

39. Not a bad number at all. Every year, I greet my birthday with gratitude for being alive.

Still, I have the blues. I feel a deep sadness that I can not shake. It's not about my birthday, but it feels more pronounced on my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for, and I know that. Still, the sadness persists.

Never mind. Lots to do. Get Tessa to school, deliver the volunteer project to her teacher. Run home with Shep. Work on the book.

Another busy day.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa Goddard

My grandpa would have been 98 this year; he passed away in 99 at age 87.

I miss you, Grandpa.

Uh oh - exhausted again?

I'm WIPED. Totally wiped. I hate that feeling - a million things to do and the desire to do them but where will I get the energy? It is 7:25pm and I'm about to head to bed for the night in the hopes that I can recharge my batteries for tomorrow.

I am glad that I did not schedule much for the summer, and that Tessa and I spent so much time together, and that we did not have to get up at the crack of dawn to be anywhere. I don't mind that we're so scheduled now - it is the way of the world, and I accept that - but it's a pretty major adjustment.

I am listening to my iPod more than ever with Tessa gone; instead of conversing with her or keeping one ear attuned to her activities even if we were in different rooms, I'm in my own little world. I'm particularly enjoying podcasts - NPR's "On Science," "On Religion," "Speaking of Faith," "This American Life," "The Moth" and others are drawing me in. I've also downloaded a number of guided meditations - I highly recommend the Meditation Peace podcast on "Meditating on the Heart" if you're looking for guided meditation. I catch up on missed WSUU sermons, too - although I'm hoping I won't miss many in the next couple of months, as I hope to attend regularly. I appreciate this time inside my own head, with no-one but myself to answer to. It makes laundry, errands, and the like so much more interesting to me.

Tessa had a major meltdown today after school, her first in a long time. I think that she, too, is overtired. Her bedtime is moving farther and farther back - it was 8:30pm for a long time, but I suspect that it's going to settle at 7:30pm. As I type, she's in bed with Ryan reading her stories, winding down, happy again....but the meltdown was no fun and resulted in a canceled playdate.

I'm rambling and somewhat incoherent, so I'll take that as a sign to sign off. Good night.

Okay, so it IS a lot of effort

I haven't done a green update in quite some time, but that doesn't mean I'm not being green. I'm actually working harder than ever at being green, and meeting with some success.

Tessa and I are bussing to school in the mornings, and I'm walking home, doing errands along the way. I calculate that if I bus 50% of the time (eg., mornings but not afternoons) I'm saving about 1000 miles of driving in our car - 2.5 miles each way is 5 miles round trip (remember, I don't stay at school!), or 10 miles per day, 20 days per month, or 200 miles per month, which is 2000 miles per year (10 month school year). Cutting out such a short drive - hey, it's less than 3 miles! - may seem insignificant but it DOES add up.

Errands on foot is time consuming, but I'm doing it. This morning after dropping off Tessa, Shep and I walked to PCC to shop and then walked home. I used my "old lady cart" successfully, but I have to say that an 80 pound dog PLUS a full cart and a several mile walk might be more than I can do that often - something's gotta give. Plus, it took 2 hours total (including shopping time) and that is a big chunk of my day when I have other commitments as well.

PCC is my preferred shopping location these days. I am buying as much local produce as possible; I'm careful to read labels. I love Bob's Red Mill; I'm buying local organic produce; my meat, eggs, and dairy are organic, hormone free, etc. I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic stuff, because it depresses me how much extra I spend on groceries, especially when our grocery budget is tight, but it's part of my value system and I do not want to compromise. I believe that my food choices are helpful to the planet, to the inhabitants of the planet, and and to my own body. I'm trying to buy sustainable, fair-trade products, as well, to protect the farmers who grow my food.

And I'm still growing my own food. We're moving into tomato season, and tonight we'll have insalata caprese with tomatoes and basil from the garden. We're still enjoying carrots, and the second crop of lettuce is looking good. Strangely, we're also still getting lots of fresh strawberries - and I love them!

I'm still baking bread, too. This is one area that's actually cheaper. I reuse plastic bags for the bread, I buy organic flour, and it's pretty darned efficient. Tessa thinks that everyone makes their own bread, and I'm proud that she prefers my whole-grain wheat to white bread.

Almost 100% of my cleaning products are green now, and I love that. I'm not breathing chemicals inside my house, which makes me believe that it's cleaner than it's ever been. Sure, there is a little dust sometimes, but nothing toxic.

I've fallen in love with Kiss My Face products - the care package sent to me went to good use, and we used their sunscreen and lip balm all summer. I found a tear-out card in a National Geographic Green Magazine that lists toxic chemicals found in body-care products, and now I keep the card in my wallet and use it when I'm making shampoo, soap, lotion, etc. purchases. Kiss My Face, Alba, and JASON are all favorite brands. I especially like Kiss My Face olive oil soap.

I've gotten rid of most plastic, and we're doing just fine with glass containers for food. They have plastic lids, but the percentage is so small, and the food doesn't usually touch the plastic, and I like that.

We are re-using containers whenever possible. I've started buying fresh ground peanut butter at PCC so we bring our own containers in. I'm buying in bulk, and I even have my own reusable produce bags.

We have a call in to have our second fridge removed; it's been unplugged for a couple months and we haven't missed it.

I'm shopping a LOT less, and buying a lot fewer things....and not missing out! I hate the packaging, and I don't want clutter in my house. This is a challenge, and not one I always enjoy, but I've improved.

I would be lying if I said it was all easy. It is not. It is a LOT of effort sometimes. In the mornings, as I'm out the door on foot at 8:12 to make sure we don't miss our 8:22 bus, I think "If we were driving, we could leave at 8:50 and get there with time to spare!" It takes double the time to shop when I'm trying ot reduce packaging, buy locally, organically, and nutritionally....I read every label and I still make mistakes. Sometimes as I'm walking home from school with the dog I think that it would be nice to just go to the gym "like a normal person" and not have a dog pulling me as I get my exercise; it would be nice not to have a 1 mile long hill as the last mile of my run (OUCH). I wish the green choices were cheaper; usually they're not. I wish they were the most convenient; often they're not.

But it's worth it. I am living according to my values. I am not doing it perfectly, and I have a lot to learn, but I am trying my hardest. It may be better than, or worse than, others, but it is simply my best. I make a lot of mistakes, but I don't stop trying. I am proud of that.

Finding the routine

I am settling into my routine, and finding comfort in it. I'm trying to create space to spend quality time with Tessa (especially since our quantity has been reduced), to take care of my mental and physical health, to care for the house, to keep up with chores, to do work on the book, to walk the dog, and all the rest.

Slowly, it's shaking out. I haven't got it figured out, but I've got a start.

Today is Tessa's first day of ballet, and I'm excited for her to begin. I hope it's not too much at the start of school - she's already pretty tired - but it's the activity she most wants to do, and I want her to have one activity outside of school. She has friends in the class, and as always, that will help with her transition.

Today Ryan is still in Virginia, but he comes home tonight in preparation for his first "real" day. His messages to me are positive and hopeful, and I hope that this job is just what he hopes it will be - challenging but not too challenging; interesting; motivating. I hope he is a star!

And now I'm off to look at book materials.

Routine, routine.....I'll get there....

Light Reading

I continue to read up on breast cancer research, though not as actively as I once did. Today I'm looking at the ASCO results, and came across this:

http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40425

The short version? I'm very fortunate that though I had 1 positive lymph node, 24 others were negative, as my ratio predicts higher survival rates.

I'm trying to find info on the 2-year arm of the HERA trial, but it hasn't been released yet. (I took Herceptin for two years under the hope that 2 was better than 1. No data to prove anything yet.)

I also found out that the fact that I had all of my lymph nodes on that side removed is the recommended treatment, but not followed by the majority of ASCO doctors in the case of micrometastases (what I had).
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40456

Fun reading, hmmm?

October approaches

October is a spooky month.

Of course, there's Halloween. Ghosties and ghouls and witches and bats and all that. But they don't scare me.

It's also breast cancer awareness month. Pink ribbons make me quiver with remembered fear more than any bat ever could, but of course I politely thank people for their support of the cause because I DO want a cure and awareness is critical to finding that cure. Still, constant reminders of how 40,000 women will die of breast cancer in the US this year is, well, frightening. I continue to pray that I will not be one of these women.

It's also the anniversary of my giant breakdown last year. The corrective surgery that went wrong, surgeon's mistakes, and my utter inability to process one more thing. Dark, dark times.

And this year, it's surgery #10. I have known for months that October would be the date of my next surgery, and with Tessa in school I no longer had a chance to tell myself I was too busy to book the appointment. Today I called, and I was scheduled for October 23. I am assured that they will accept our new insurance as a preferred provider; I am assured that this will be an "easy" surgery. ("Tylenol Extra Strength if you're lucky. Of course, we'll send you home with "real" pain drugs, but maybe you won't need them!" I do not feel particularly "lucky" and I hope that my bad attitude does not cause me to have pain above and beyond what is required.)

Why am I doing this surgery?
- Replace expanders (rock hard awful deformed objects on my chest) with soft implants
- Line up my breasts so that they rest on the same horizontal plane (which they currently do not)
- Remove the heinous attempt at nipples that just created nasty scars
- Remove some of the weird deformed shapes (breast liposuction, if you can believe that)
- Remove the bump over my eye - it's a scar left over from the failed attempt to use my eyelid skin for areolas
- Drop two cup sizes

I am most excited about having smaller breasts. These are bigger than I wanted, and I hate them. If I have to hate them, I at least want them to be smaller so that they're not so noticeable. Plus, I want to run, and smaller breasts are better for that.

I am choosing not to pursue nipples, areolas, tattoos, or any other corrections after this. I am just so **** tired of all this surgery that it takes more strength than I have just to schedule the appointment. (I was "supposed" to schedule it in June. )

I'm lining up childcare and self care and I hope to get it over with asap. But now there is a date on the calendar: October 23, I get the knife. Again.

Winding down the week, winding up life

This week is almost over, and Tessa is at her third day of kindergarten. So far, everything is a thumbs' up, and just typing that sentence makes me choke up with gratitude. The teacher is great, the school is great, friends are great, everything is interesting. The Metro bus ride is working out great, and Shep is enjoying his long walk home, as he's getting more exercise than usual because of this schedule. (He's lying on his bed beside me as I type, looking a bit exhausted. Ha - I wore out the lab! Hallelujah!) I'm also enjoying the exercise, and the stolen fifteen minutes where I sit facing the sea and meditate and think about my life and my day - what a blissful thing to connect with the ocean that way.

We are not yet in the full routine, but we're learning. I need to get up at about 6am to get showered and dressed, make Tessa's lunch (next week I'll be making Ryan's lunch, too), and prepare breakfast before Tessa wakes up. Then, I have to roust the sleepy girl - she, like her mama, is a bit anti-morning, and I have to go in her room several times before I can get her out of bed. I'm trying to accomodate this by giving her lots of time between when I first wake her and when she gets out of bed, and leaving time to have a gentle morning so that we don't have to rush from the get-go. This is a challenge, but I think it's going to go well.

I'm also trying to make hot breakfasts for the girl. Usually we're content to stick with cereal, but since there are no snacks at school and lunch isn't until 12 or 12:30, I'm trying to stuff her full before school so that she can make it that long. This week on various days I've made bacon, eggs, sausage, and oatmeal with yogurt, always with fruit and a glass of milk. I don't really want her to eat that much meat (nitrates, fat, yada yada) every day but it seems that my mornings are destined for lots of time in the kitchen.

We walk out the door at 8:10am to get three blocks in 12 minutes for our 8:22 pick up. Of course, a "normal" walk would get us there in about 4 minutes, but I want to let her go at her own pace without having to hurry, so we go at a snail's pace. Then we wait, with Shep, for the bus. The bus feels like a private car, because the regular driver, Scott, remembers our names, promises to bring treats for Shep, and chats with us as we go in. Plus, the route isn't very popular, so when we get on we're sometimes the only passengers.

We get dropped off a block from school, right on the beach, then walk a block, arriving at school at about a quarter to 9, in time for 20 minutes of playing on the playground before first bell. We tie Shep up and he gets lots of pets from all the kids coming in and out, making Tessa a bit of a star.

Then the bell, and Tessa's off with a kiss, and I'm free for the day. WOW. Of course, groceries, laundry, more cooking, and the rest call to me....but I still have time to myself. Look at me now, mid-day and on the computer...wow.

So we're winding down the week, looking forward to the weekend. On Sunday, the first "real" week begins. Ryan will get on a plane for his orientation at BearingPoint - his new job. Everything is signed and ready, and Ryan's first day is Monday in DC; the company is located in Virginia (Ryan works in the Bellevue office) and so orientation is held there. So, Ryan will be working, Tessa will have her first full week of school, and ballet classes will start, and we'll be off to the races....

Hoping for a good year. A great year. An amazing time. Isn't it our turn now?

End of day kindergarten notes

Success!

Tessa looked a little nervous when she came out of the school doors to meet me at the end of the day, but then she caught my eye, ran into me at full tilt, gave me a massive hug, and smiled for all she was worth. The day was a success, and "Mommy, we had Spanish!"

I can't get too many details from her, but there was a school assembly, there were stories, there was recess with Anna, and at lunchtime she sat with Jessie. (She ate all of her fruit and no sandwich....hmmm.)

After school, some parents and kids went to celebrate the first day with ice cream from Pepperdock at Alki, and the girls played in the sand in the sunshine. I was struck with the beauty of the place - blue sky, sparkling seas, the Seattle skyline around the bend, Olympics presiding over all - and the beauty of the moment. I was so grateful that my daughter is filled with confidence, and that she is embracing the idea of school. I hope that she will be a lifelong scholar, filled with a love of learning.

We're off to a good start.