I have heard more mentions than usual about The Great Depression lately. Our current economic woes are the worst since "the" Depression, according to every news report I see.
I realized today that I knew just about exactly when the Depression started, but couldn't remember when it ended. Here's what Wikipedia reminded me:
The Great Depression was a worldwide economic downturn starting in most places in 1929 and ending at different times in the 1930s or early 1940s for different countries. It was the largest and most important economic depression in modern history, and is used in the 21st century as a benchmark on how far the world's economy can fall. The Great Depression originated in the United States; historians most often use as a starting date the stock market crash on October 29, 1929, known as Black Tuesday. The end of the depression in the U.S. is associated with the onset of the war economy of World War II, beginning around 1939.[1]
A whole decade - ohhhhhhhhhh. And it ended through a war. (Oh, yah, that's right. I must have blocked that out due to not wanting to remember.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Depression
What about Great Depressions that start in the middle of a war?
I think we're in some really, really deep trouble. Apparently it's time to relearn the history lesson.
-----------
Today's thoughts are enough to make me sink into Great Depression.
PollyAnna, honey? Can you come out? Please? I need you.....
The sun is shining. My house is filled with tomatoes in various stages of ripening. My daughter read me a book last night. "Come to the zany zoo! Come to see the...." and then she filled in with the picture clues. The best part? At the end, they listed all of the sight words in random order....and she correctly identified them all, even without context. Ahhhhh.
Many things to be happy about, even in hard times.
(Thanks, PollyAnna.)
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Speculation
Tessa attends elementary school with several Somali children (some of whom have become favorites of mine on the playground due to their bright smiles, incredible manners, and the compassion shown to Tessa when she had an inevitable playground injury that caused tears but not blood). One child in her class speaks Somali but not English.
I'm trying to speculate about this. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to be in a room full of strangers speaking another language all day...at the age of five. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to have an alphabet placed before you when you can't figure out why or what it's for. I see how worn out Tessa is from her day at kindergarten, and I can't get my mind around what it's like for a non-English speaker in an English speaking classroom. I can't even imagine.
I'm trying to imagine what the Somali children have witnessed in their lives. I started doing internet research this morning, and I found myself weeping. I am not reading about distant people in a distant land....I'm reading about Tessa's classmates. I'm not reading about faceless people, I'm reading about little children and I can see their faces before me.
How can I not weep?
Americans are advised not to travel to Somalia because of the violence in the streets. The violence, I read, is unpredictable.
What are these children's stories? What did they see before I met them on the playground? What horrors have they coped with?
I know that I lose my temper with Tessa, being grouchy and loud with her, when I've had a hard day. I wonder what a hard day looks like to a Somali. I bet it makes my hard days look pretty easy.
It's all speculation, and I want to be careful to remember that these are individuals, just children, and not representatives of their nation. But I also want to be sensitive to what they may have witnessed in their lives.
Reading about Somalia, I wanted to run to school to grab these children and hold them in my arms and weep with them. Of course, I will do no such thing, and if I did I'm pretty certain that I'd terrify them rather than comforting them....I'm not crazy, and I know at least that much. I can't erase the memories that I imagine some of them have seen. And I can only speculate what those memories might be. And maybe they're lucky, maybe they don't have the kind of memories that I'm thinking of. But somewhere, some children do. It's hard to know what to do about that kind of information except to weep.
I am grateful that my daughter will learn friendship with these children. When she grows up, and she reads about Muslims in the news, she will not think of Islamic terrorists, she will think of her friends. I am so, so grateful for that.
Even as I weep.
I'm trying to speculate about this. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to be in a room full of strangers speaking another language all day...at the age of five. I'm trying to wonder what it feels like to have an alphabet placed before you when you can't figure out why or what it's for. I see how worn out Tessa is from her day at kindergarten, and I can't get my mind around what it's like for a non-English speaker in an English speaking classroom. I can't even imagine.
I'm trying to imagine what the Somali children have witnessed in their lives. I started doing internet research this morning, and I found myself weeping. I am not reading about distant people in a distant land....I'm reading about Tessa's classmates. I'm not reading about faceless people, I'm reading about little children and I can see their faces before me.
How can I not weep?
Americans are advised not to travel to Somalia because of the violence in the streets. The violence, I read, is unpredictable.
What are these children's stories? What did they see before I met them on the playground? What horrors have they coped with?
I know that I lose my temper with Tessa, being grouchy and loud with her, when I've had a hard day. I wonder what a hard day looks like to a Somali. I bet it makes my hard days look pretty easy.
It's all speculation, and I want to be careful to remember that these are individuals, just children, and not representatives of their nation. But I also want to be sensitive to what they may have witnessed in their lives.
Reading about Somalia, I wanted to run to school to grab these children and hold them in my arms and weep with them. Of course, I will do no such thing, and if I did I'm pretty certain that I'd terrify them rather than comforting them....I'm not crazy, and I know at least that much. I can't erase the memories that I imagine some of them have seen. And I can only speculate what those memories might be. And maybe they're lucky, maybe they don't have the kind of memories that I'm thinking of. But somewhere, some children do. It's hard to know what to do about that kind of information except to weep.
I am grateful that my daughter will learn friendship with these children. When she grows up, and she reads about Muslims in the news, she will not think of Islamic terrorists, she will think of her friends. I am so, so grateful for that.
Even as I weep.
Well, if not that...
...then this.
Today I came home for the first time in weeks not thinking about the book. As this idea swirled around in my head, I became increasingly unclear about what I was to do.
Our personal economics could certainly stand a financial boost from this kind of project, but if it is out of my hands, then what?
Today, I don't have any grand answers to that question, but I do know this: I'm going to work on the house. The CDs need organizing out of their big pile (which is threatening to careen off the cabinet and crash on the floor), I still haven't moved some summer clothes out of the drawers, and major decluttering is in order.
I may not be bringing in an income, but I'm certainly not out of things to do.
Today I came home for the first time in weeks not thinking about the book. As this idea swirled around in my head, I became increasingly unclear about what I was to do.
Our personal economics could certainly stand a financial boost from this kind of project, but if it is out of my hands, then what?
Today, I don't have any grand answers to that question, but I do know this: I'm going to work on the house. The CDs need organizing out of their big pile (which is threatening to careen off the cabinet and crash on the floor), I still haven't moved some summer clothes out of the drawers, and major decluttering is in order.
I may not be bringing in an income, but I'm certainly not out of things to do.
Fingers crossed
I attended a town council this week to present my book proposal. Initially, I had hoped that this was a rubber-stamp approval; the town had a surplus, and I know I can do great work on this project.
Then, the economy started failing even more than before, with all of those tangibles about the economic failure. And the tax revenue projections for this town changed, and it became clear that the town surplus might be a deficit.
The town is looking for alternate funding, but I no longer am holding my breath that this project is going to pan out. I'm told that it will happen "eventually" but given current economic conditions, that might be a long time from now.
Damn.
It's not over 'til it's over, but it doesn't look good.
At least my presidential pick is ahead in the polls....!
Then, the economy started failing even more than before, with all of those tangibles about the economic failure. And the tax revenue projections for this town changed, and it became clear that the town surplus might be a deficit.
The town is looking for alternate funding, but I no longer am holding my breath that this project is going to pan out. I'm told that it will happen "eventually" but given current economic conditions, that might be a long time from now.
Damn.
It's not over 'til it's over, but it doesn't look good.
At least my presidential pick is ahead in the polls....!
Monday, October 06, 2008
Learning curve
Yesterday Ryan and I were discussing the fact that life is a huge learning curve, and there's no "no I've learned it so I can coast" periods. Right now that lesson is increasingly evident to me - I am aware that the learning must continue, and that despite the many lessons under my belt I have many more to learn.
I'm struggling to be a working mom, even when working is only 10 hours per week from home. Actually, the "from home" part is the hardest. When I'm sitting here, the laundry calls, the coffee calls, the telephone rings, the dog wants walking, and there are so many distractions. Writing is difficult to settle into; I find myself seeking distractions when I shouldn't. That word "shouldn't" is a tough one; I know what I should be doing and then feel the guilt of not doing it.
In my adult life I've learned to avoid procrastination because it's not rewarding to procrastinate and I love my rewards; in writing, somehow, I must learn this lesson again.
To that end, I'm structuring my week so that I remember what I should be doing and when. Monday is chore and errand day (groceries, housework, etc.); Tuesday and Wednesday are writing days (book); Thursday is volunteer day (and my regular morning in the Alki classroom); and Friday is everything-else day, including doctor's appointments, time for myself, and catching up on whatever got behind in the week. With this new schedule, hopefully I can keep myself on track.
Ryan and I are working really hard on our marriage right now, too: coasting did not do us any favors. The work is difficult, but I am certain that it is worthwhile.
I'm trying to be on track for cooking healthy meals for my family, and finding creative, inexpensive, earth-friendly food choices. To this end, I've started making my own granola. I made the first batch yesterday and it's delicious, and i'm already imagining lots of different varieties. My first batch has a lot of pumpkin seeds, which lend a delicious flavor; I think next time I'll work with pecans.
All of these things take time. More time than I know where to find! But bit by bit, I'm making progress. I think it's two steps forward, one step back; some days it's more like one and three-quarter steps back. But even small progress is enough, I hope.
I'm working on it.
I'm struggling to be a working mom, even when working is only 10 hours per week from home. Actually, the "from home" part is the hardest. When I'm sitting here, the laundry calls, the coffee calls, the telephone rings, the dog wants walking, and there are so many distractions. Writing is difficult to settle into; I find myself seeking distractions when I shouldn't. That word "shouldn't" is a tough one; I know what I should be doing and then feel the guilt of not doing it.
In my adult life I've learned to avoid procrastination because it's not rewarding to procrastinate and I love my rewards; in writing, somehow, I must learn this lesson again.
To that end, I'm structuring my week so that I remember what I should be doing and when. Monday is chore and errand day (groceries, housework, etc.); Tuesday and Wednesday are writing days (book); Thursday is volunteer day (and my regular morning in the Alki classroom); and Friday is everything-else day, including doctor's appointments, time for myself, and catching up on whatever got behind in the week. With this new schedule, hopefully I can keep myself on track.
Ryan and I are working really hard on our marriage right now, too: coasting did not do us any favors. The work is difficult, but I am certain that it is worthwhile.
I'm trying to be on track for cooking healthy meals for my family, and finding creative, inexpensive, earth-friendly food choices. To this end, I've started making my own granola. I made the first batch yesterday and it's delicious, and i'm already imagining lots of different varieties. My first batch has a lot of pumpkin seeds, which lend a delicious flavor; I think next time I'll work with pecans.
All of these things take time. More time than I know where to find! But bit by bit, I'm making progress. I think it's two steps forward, one step back; some days it's more like one and three-quarter steps back. But even small progress is enough, I hope.
I'm working on it.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Virtuous food (mostly)
Tonight for dinner I'm making "Hearty Lentil Soup," a recipe from a cookbook gifted to me recently (thanks, Sarah). The cookbook is "Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone" by Deborah Madison, and I'm excited to start experimenting with more vegetarian fare.
Part of my reasons for shifting more toward the vegetarian end of the spectrum (I don't know that I'll ever go all the way, but closer, anyway) are for health reasons: it's well known that Americans eat too much meat, and that we're clogging our arteries etc. Another reason is budgetary: the more I learn about how feedlots work, and the more I understand about grain and chickens and cattle, the less I want to eat them unless they're grass fed, free range, etc. Expensive! Cutting meat out cuts the budget. And then of course, there are the environmental factors: meat is inefficient, and harder on our planet.
So I'm cooking vegetarian, using carrots, tomatoes, and onions from our garden, and lentils from the bulk bin at PCC, and I'm serving it with home made oatmeal bread. How virtuous of me! (wink)
But the catch? I'm adding sausage. I know, crazy, but I"m hoping that by doing so, my meat loving family will adjust to lentils....
Here's hoping my plot works!
Part of my reasons for shifting more toward the vegetarian end of the spectrum (I don't know that I'll ever go all the way, but closer, anyway) are for health reasons: it's well known that Americans eat too much meat, and that we're clogging our arteries etc. Another reason is budgetary: the more I learn about how feedlots work, and the more I understand about grain and chickens and cattle, the less I want to eat them unless they're grass fed, free range, etc. Expensive! Cutting meat out cuts the budget. And then of course, there are the environmental factors: meat is inefficient, and harder on our planet.
So I'm cooking vegetarian, using carrots, tomatoes, and onions from our garden, and lentils from the bulk bin at PCC, and I'm serving it with home made oatmeal bread. How virtuous of me! (wink)
But the catch? I'm adding sausage. I know, crazy, but I"m hoping that by doing so, my meat loving family will adjust to lentils....
Here's hoping my plot works!
Garden - October
Here are the latest pictures of our garden crop, which is just about all harvested.
In the end, I think we spent:
$20 on organic fertilizer
$10 on organic compost to supplement the worm bin
$15 on tomato starts
$20 on misc. starts
$20 on misc. seeds
$20 (?) on blueberry bushes
$10 on strawberry plants
...plus the extra water in the water bill, which I haven't yet calculated.
We got soaker hoses and bark mulch for free, and we used our own compost (worm bin) for most of it. So, for about $115 plus water, we got:
- several pounds of strawberries (averaging about 20 per day at the height of the season; we're still getting everbearing and alpine varieties several per day)
- about 10 blueberries - not our best crop!
- several pounds of sugar snap peas
- many pounds of carrots (still some in the ground, picked a big crop today, and we've been picking them at will for months)
- a couple pounds of starburst squash
- five enormous cabbages
- perhaps a dozen onions
- several plants of basil
- 3 cloves of garlic (many didn't grow well, only 3 heads were sizeable enough to use)
- no leeks (didn't grow well)
- two months worth of lettuce
- several pounds of radishes
- enormous quantities of rainbow chard
....and the piece de la resistance.....about 40 pounds of heirloom tomatoes!
The tomatoes are the best part, in my opinion, as they taste so much better than anything from the supermarket. The first ones came in so slowly, one here, one there....and then a couple of weeks ago I picked 13 pounds of them. Today I picked perhaps 20 pounds of them - hurrah! Many are green, so I've spread them on a tray and set them in windows (see picture of our kitchen window) and I'm hoping that they'll ripen soon.
In short? I think that our investment paid off handsomely, and I'm proud of myself. I'm delighted that Tessa is learning a connection with the earth and how to grow food, and I'm proud of the frugal elements, too. The tomatoes cost about $15 to plant, and I harvested over $100 worth (and I'm ashamed to say that many of them rotted before I picked them today - the colder/damper weather got to them....live and learn for next year), so that alone was worth the investment. Fortunately, our family likes tomatoes!
And now, I'm going to roast some tomatoes for use this winter. Simple pasta with tomato sauce will taste so much better to me remembering where the tomatoes came from. :-)
And now, I'm going to roast some tomatoes for use this winter. Simple pasta with tomato sauce will taste so much better to me remembering where the tomatoes came from. :-)
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Change of plans
I had planned on working on the book all day today. I got chores done yesterday, I bustled around (and had lunch with Adrienne, which was lovely), and planned on working all day today. Change of plans! Last night, Tessa started melting down....not unheard of in these early days of kindergarten. But then her nose got stuffed, she complained of a sore throat, and she had a mild fever. Uh oh!
We're at home, and will be relaxing all day. I think that Tessa might just be overtired, and that her bug is mild, so I will take this time to relax with her, to read stories, and to get caught up on some housework while she plays. (Yes, I did chores yesterday, and laundry is caught up....but housework is never ending!)
Today is a chance to slow down. I might just stay in my PJs til noon. We'll see....
We're at home, and will be relaxing all day. I think that Tessa might just be overtired, and that her bug is mild, so I will take this time to relax with her, to read stories, and to get caught up on some housework while she plays. (Yes, I did chores yesterday, and laundry is caught up....but housework is never ending!)
Today is a chance to slow down. I might just stay in my PJs til noon. We'll see....
Monday, September 29, 2008
Remember....
This weekend I was on an RE (Religious Education) Council retreat. I was asked a few months ago if I'd be interested in joining the RE Council at WSUUC (church), and decided - honestly, without much thought! - to jump in.
I had no idea what a gift it would be to me. Isn't that funny how those things work sometimes?
The RE Council takes their work seriously. They want to give the children of our church community a chance to feel loved, to explore their spirituality, to nurture their souls. The RE Council approaches their work with applied intelligence, compassion, introspection, reflection, and an applied standard of excellence. And the women on the council? Amazing people, each and every one.
This weekend we worked hard. We worshiped often, we sang, and we bonded....and we worked hard at visioning the coming year for our children and families.
Today, as we rush through the morning, I'm taking a moment to write this because I want to remember the feelings of this weekend, and how strongly I felt part of something bigger than myself, and how deep my desire is to be the best I can be and to shape the world in positive ways, and I want to take that with me.
Kari told us that the great warrior tribe of Africa, the Masai, has a greeting:
"How are the children?"
The answer is,
"The children are well."
What a wonderful way of grounding a community. It's all about the children, even for the warriors.
Now off to my busy week....
I had no idea what a gift it would be to me. Isn't that funny how those things work sometimes?
The RE Council takes their work seriously. They want to give the children of our church community a chance to feel loved, to explore their spirituality, to nurture their souls. The RE Council approaches their work with applied intelligence, compassion, introspection, reflection, and an applied standard of excellence. And the women on the council? Amazing people, each and every one.
This weekend we worked hard. We worshiped often, we sang, and we bonded....and we worked hard at visioning the coming year for our children and families.
Today, as we rush through the morning, I'm taking a moment to write this because I want to remember the feelings of this weekend, and how strongly I felt part of something bigger than myself, and how deep my desire is to be the best I can be and to shape the world in positive ways, and I want to take that with me.
Kari told us that the great warrior tribe of Africa, the Masai, has a greeting:
"How are the children?"
The answer is,
"The children are well."
What a wonderful way of grounding a community. It's all about the children, even for the warriors.
Now off to my busy week....
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Kindergarten is hard!
Tessa is struggling.
She does fine in school, but at the end of the day she is melting down. The girl is tired, tired, tired.
I'm realizing that we can plan NOTHING during the week at this time; school, ballet, and yoga and that's it. Tessa needs a good routine, bedtime at 7:30, and that's about it. Lots of snuggle time, lots of stories, home made food.
Tessa is also struggling with exclusionary behavior - she's leaving other girls out of her play intentionally. I talked to the teacher about it and my heart sank - this is absolutely NOT okay with me.
Tessa is a great kid with an amazing, compassionate heart. This is temporary, and we will fix it.
But kindergarten is hard!
She does fine in school, but at the end of the day she is melting down. The girl is tired, tired, tired.
I'm realizing that we can plan NOTHING during the week at this time; school, ballet, and yoga and that's it. Tessa needs a good routine, bedtime at 7:30, and that's about it. Lots of snuggle time, lots of stories, home made food.
Tessa is also struggling with exclusionary behavior - she's leaving other girls out of her play intentionally. I talked to the teacher about it and my heart sank - this is absolutely NOT okay with me.
Tessa is a great kid with an amazing, compassionate heart. This is temporary, and we will fix it.
But kindergarten is hard!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Zometa
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/drugs/2008-06-01-cancer-drug-zometa_N.htm
Here's a really simple layman's article about my new drug and why I'm taking it.
And another:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/chemotherapy/new_research/20080516b.jsp
And info about the drugs that are promoting my rapid bone loss:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/side_effects/aromatase_inhibitors.jsp
I took Femara until it hurt to move, about two years into treatment, and then I switched to Aromasin. It's starting to build up the same kind of pain, but if I can last another year on it then maybe I could switch back to Femara or try Arimidex to finish out my five years on an AI.
And here's the dry abstract presented at ASCO:
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40381
Nobody knows what will save me, or how much this will improve my odds. I've done a lot of things off label:
- node dissection for removal of 25 nodes
- proph. mastectomy on the clear side
- proph. oopharectomy/hysterectomy
- Herceptin for 2 years instead of 1
- radiation after mastectomy (even though I "only" had one positive node)
- AIs instead of tamoxifen, even though I was premenopausal at diagnosis
- lost 40 pounds and I exercise and eat a healthy diet (this may be my biggest asset....?)
- reduced alcohol consumption to less than one drink per week
....and now the addition of Zometa.
I'm doing everything in my power, that is for certain.
Here's a really simple layman's article about my new drug and why I'm taking it.
And another:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/chemotherapy/new_research/20080516b.jsp
And info about the drugs that are promoting my rapid bone loss:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/side_effects/aromatase_inhibitors.jsp
I took Femara until it hurt to move, about two years into treatment, and then I switched to Aromasin. It's starting to build up the same kind of pain, but if I can last another year on it then maybe I could switch back to Femara or try Arimidex to finish out my five years on an AI.
And here's the dry abstract presented at ASCO:
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40381
Nobody knows what will save me, or how much this will improve my odds. I've done a lot of things off label:
- node dissection for removal of 25 nodes
- proph. mastectomy on the clear side
- proph. oopharectomy/hysterectomy
- Herceptin for 2 years instead of 1
- radiation after mastectomy (even though I "only" had one positive node)
- AIs instead of tamoxifen, even though I was premenopausal at diagnosis
- lost 40 pounds and I exercise and eat a healthy diet (this may be my biggest asset....?)
- reduced alcohol consumption to less than one drink per week
....and now the addition of Zometa.
I'm doing everything in my power, that is for certain.
General updates
Still green. It doesn't take quite as much of my time right now because I'm pretty used to soem of the changes. The weather's cooler now and one friend commented that my house was freezing inside; the good news is that I can no longer tell - I'm used to sweaters. Bread is baking (okay, mixing...the baking comes later) right now. The garden made it all season without any pesticides or petrochemicals. I know what to look for on cosmetics/soap labels (and have a handy reference guide in my purse to help). I send Tessa to school without plastic containers, with a cloth napkin, and so far nobody has said anything to her and a few parents have asked me where to get the containers so that they can, too. I'm feeling pretty green, even though there are so many others who put me to shame on that front. I've made lots of changes, and I'm proud of them. I'll do more, but it's not teh focus this week.
Making some book progress, though always slower than I want to.
Ryan's job is going well. Killer commute, but besides that things seem good.
Kindergarten is great, but Tessa is exhausted. If she's asleep any later than 8 then the next few days are rough (today is a case in point); kindergarten just wears her out. But today she read us a (very simple) book for the first time! It had things like "I see a _________" on each page, with picture clues, but she was really getting it. We're having more meltdowns and sassy behavior than usual, but we're working on it. I'm trying to remember that this is a stressful time for her - she's making new friends, learning new things, and there is SO much more structure than she's used to. (And she's been saying, "Mommy, I just want to stay home and play with my toys!" I don't blame her - it feels like we're gone too much.) Anyway, school is great, and she loves it....we just need more hours in teh day for sleep, play, downtime, etc.
Tomorrow is the curriculum night, and we're trying a new babysitter....a sweet teen from our church. Tessa adores her and she lives two blocks away on our street - could be very good!
Dance class is great, and Tessa practices regularly. Tessa is doing six sessions of yoga starting in a couple of weeks, sponsored by the school and a local yoga studio, and she's excited. If I ever find five minutes, I too will do more yoga.
We haven't taken the bus in a few days because we're so darned tired in the mornings....poor Shep. I think the dog is wondering what he did wrong - those long walks are so lovely.
I've lost a few pounds from being so busy, so that's good....
And speaking of which, it's almost 8pm which is when I'm heading to bed these days. YAWN!
G'night.
Making some book progress, though always slower than I want to.
Ryan's job is going well. Killer commute, but besides that things seem good.
Kindergarten is great, but Tessa is exhausted. If she's asleep any later than 8 then the next few days are rough (today is a case in point); kindergarten just wears her out. But today she read us a (very simple) book for the first time! It had things like "I see a _________" on each page, with picture clues, but she was really getting it. We're having more meltdowns and sassy behavior than usual, but we're working on it. I'm trying to remember that this is a stressful time for her - she's making new friends, learning new things, and there is SO much more structure than she's used to. (And she's been saying, "Mommy, I just want to stay home and play with my toys!" I don't blame her - it feels like we're gone too much.) Anyway, school is great, and she loves it....we just need more hours in teh day for sleep, play, downtime, etc.
Tomorrow is the curriculum night, and we're trying a new babysitter....a sweet teen from our church. Tessa adores her and she lives two blocks away on our street - could be very good!
Dance class is great, and Tessa practices regularly. Tessa is doing six sessions of yoga starting in a couple of weeks, sponsored by the school and a local yoga studio, and she's excited. If I ever find five minutes, I too will do more yoga.
We haven't taken the bus in a few days because we're so darned tired in the mornings....poor Shep. I think the dog is wondering what he did wrong - those long walks are so lovely.
I've lost a few pounds from being so busy, so that's good....
And speaking of which, it's almost 8pm which is when I'm heading to bed these days. YAWN!
G'night.
Overscheduled
If I'm a stay at home mom, then how come I am so completely and utterly overbooked?
Yikes. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off today....!
Yikes. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off today....!
Monday, September 22, 2008
loss
Today I logged on to the YSC to check in. I haven't been going much - hadn't been in months until the last week - and I learned that another warrior died.
Brin is gone.
Lola is gone.
Melinda is gone.
Cathy is gone.
Shabby is gone.
Jayme is gone.
I learned of Brin today. The last update on her was September 5; she had just learned that Taxol was no longer working on her mets, and she was "prepared to fight." She died four days later.
I am sending my love, prayers, anger and fear out into the universe. These women were amazing; they were incredible. And now they're gone. It's not about me, but it still hurts. They were not my inner circle, but it still hurts.
Brin is gone.
Lola is gone.
Melinda is gone.
Cathy is gone.
Shabby is gone.
Jayme is gone.
I learned of Brin today. The last update on her was September 5; she had just learned that Taxol was no longer working on her mets, and she was "prepared to fight." She died four days later.
I am sending my love, prayers, anger and fear out into the universe. These women were amazing; they were incredible. And now they're gone. It's not about me, but it still hurts. They were not my inner circle, but it still hurts.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Treatment updates
New studies are showing that Zometa, an IV bisphosphonate, is shown to reduce recurrence/mets by approximately 1/3.
Bisphosphonates are bone-building drugs, used in the treatment of osteoporosis and osteopenia (the precurser to osteoporosis). It makes sense that they'd prevent bone mets - mets tend to go after weak areas of the bone - but it's somewhat thrilling that they tend to prevent any recurrence or mets in other parts of the body as well.
So, no question as to what I will do next. I'll switch from Actonel, another bisphosponate, to Zometa, and hope that the extra help does me good.
The down side? Back to the chemo ward for IV infusions. Side effects mimicing the flu. Oh, joy. Hopefully this will prevent the downward slide of bone loss that I've already experienced (I'm osteopenic); hopefully this will help keep me NED.
It gives me chills to go near the building. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.
But I'm going to make the appointment tomorrow.
Bisphosphonates are bone-building drugs, used in the treatment of osteoporosis and osteopenia (the precurser to osteoporosis). It makes sense that they'd prevent bone mets - mets tend to go after weak areas of the bone - but it's somewhat thrilling that they tend to prevent any recurrence or mets in other parts of the body as well.
So, no question as to what I will do next. I'll switch from Actonel, another bisphosponate, to Zometa, and hope that the extra help does me good.
The down side? Back to the chemo ward for IV infusions. Side effects mimicing the flu. Oh, joy. Hopefully this will prevent the downward slide of bone loss that I've already experienced (I'm osteopenic); hopefully this will help keep me NED.
It gives me chills to go near the building. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.
But I'm going to make the appointment tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thank God that's over
I am so glad that I will never again have a 39th birthday. It was a horrible day, and I'm glad I don't need to repeat it.
The summation? I'm not happy in my life right now. I have some pretty serious issues to work through, and I appreciate your prayers. Birthdays tend to magnify things, and yesterday everything seemed larger than life. I had a big old pity-fest.
Thank you so much to the friends and family members who tried to help me, who gave me love, who gave me gifts. I am appreciative, even if I couldn't be social and happy.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Still, I'm struggling.
More therapy.
The summation? I'm not happy in my life right now. I have some pretty serious issues to work through, and I appreciate your prayers. Birthdays tend to magnify things, and yesterday everything seemed larger than life. I had a big old pity-fest.
Thank you so much to the friends and family members who tried to help me, who gave me love, who gave me gifts. I am appreciative, even if I couldn't be social and happy.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Still, I'm struggling.
More therapy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Happy birthday to me
39. Not a bad number at all. Every year, I greet my birthday with gratitude for being alive.
Still, I have the blues. I feel a deep sadness that I can not shake. It's not about my birthday, but it feels more pronounced on my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for, and I know that. Still, the sadness persists.
Never mind. Lots to do. Get Tessa to school, deliver the volunteer project to her teacher. Run home with Shep. Work on the book.
Another busy day.
Still, I have the blues. I feel a deep sadness that I can not shake. It's not about my birthday, but it feels more pronounced on my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for, and I know that. Still, the sadness persists.
Never mind. Lots to do. Get Tessa to school, deliver the volunteer project to her teacher. Run home with Shep. Work on the book.
Another busy day.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Happy Birthday, Grandpa Goddard
My grandpa would have been 98 this year; he passed away in 99 at age 87.
I miss you, Grandpa.
I miss you, Grandpa.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Uh oh - exhausted again?
I'm WIPED. Totally wiped. I hate that feeling - a million things to do and the desire to do them but where will I get the energy? It is 7:25pm and I'm about to head to bed for the night in the hopes that I can recharge my batteries for tomorrow.
I am glad that I did not schedule much for the summer, and that Tessa and I spent so much time together, and that we did not have to get up at the crack of dawn to be anywhere. I don't mind that we're so scheduled now - it is the way of the world, and I accept that - but it's a pretty major adjustment.
I am listening to my iPod more than ever with Tessa gone; instead of conversing with her or keeping one ear attuned to her activities even if we were in different rooms, I'm in my own little world. I'm particularly enjoying podcasts - NPR's "On Science," "On Religion," "Speaking of Faith," "This American Life," "The Moth" and others are drawing me in. I've also downloaded a number of guided meditations - I highly recommend the Meditation Peace podcast on "Meditating on the Heart" if you're looking for guided meditation. I catch up on missed WSUU sermons, too - although I'm hoping I won't miss many in the next couple of months, as I hope to attend regularly. I appreciate this time inside my own head, with no-one but myself to answer to. It makes laundry, errands, and the like so much more interesting to me.
Tessa had a major meltdown today after school, her first in a long time. I think that she, too, is overtired. Her bedtime is moving farther and farther back - it was 8:30pm for a long time, but I suspect that it's going to settle at 7:30pm. As I type, she's in bed with Ryan reading her stories, winding down, happy again....but the meltdown was no fun and resulted in a canceled playdate.
I'm rambling and somewhat incoherent, so I'll take that as a sign to sign off. Good night.
I am glad that I did not schedule much for the summer, and that Tessa and I spent so much time together, and that we did not have to get up at the crack of dawn to be anywhere. I don't mind that we're so scheduled now - it is the way of the world, and I accept that - but it's a pretty major adjustment.
I am listening to my iPod more than ever with Tessa gone; instead of conversing with her or keeping one ear attuned to her activities even if we were in different rooms, I'm in my own little world. I'm particularly enjoying podcasts - NPR's "On Science," "On Religion," "Speaking of Faith," "This American Life," "The Moth" and others are drawing me in. I've also downloaded a number of guided meditations - I highly recommend the Meditation Peace podcast on "Meditating on the Heart" if you're looking for guided meditation. I catch up on missed WSUU sermons, too - although I'm hoping I won't miss many in the next couple of months, as I hope to attend regularly. I appreciate this time inside my own head, with no-one but myself to answer to. It makes laundry, errands, and the like so much more interesting to me.
Tessa had a major meltdown today after school, her first in a long time. I think that she, too, is overtired. Her bedtime is moving farther and farther back - it was 8:30pm for a long time, but I suspect that it's going to settle at 7:30pm. As I type, she's in bed with Ryan reading her stories, winding down, happy again....but the meltdown was no fun and resulted in a canceled playdate.
I'm rambling and somewhat incoherent, so I'll take that as a sign to sign off. Good night.
Okay, so it IS a lot of effort
I haven't done a green update in quite some time, but that doesn't mean I'm not being green. I'm actually working harder than ever at being green, and meeting with some success.
Tessa and I are bussing to school in the mornings, and I'm walking home, doing errands along the way. I calculate that if I bus 50% of the time (eg., mornings but not afternoons) I'm saving about 1000 miles of driving in our car - 2.5 miles each way is 5 miles round trip (remember, I don't stay at school!), or 10 miles per day, 20 days per month, or 200 miles per month, which is 2000 miles per year (10 month school year). Cutting out such a short drive - hey, it's less than 3 miles! - may seem insignificant but it DOES add up.
Errands on foot is time consuming, but I'm doing it. This morning after dropping off Tessa, Shep and I walked to PCC to shop and then walked home. I used my "old lady cart" successfully, but I have to say that an 80 pound dog PLUS a full cart and a several mile walk might be more than I can do that often - something's gotta give. Plus, it took 2 hours total (including shopping time) and that is a big chunk of my day when I have other commitments as well.
PCC is my preferred shopping location these days. I am buying as much local produce as possible; I'm careful to read labels. I love Bob's Red Mill; I'm buying local organic produce; my meat, eggs, and dairy are organic, hormone free, etc. I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic stuff, because it depresses me how much extra I spend on groceries, especially when our grocery budget is tight, but it's part of my value system and I do not want to compromise. I believe that my food choices are helpful to the planet, to the inhabitants of the planet, and and to my own body. I'm trying to buy sustainable, fair-trade products, as well, to protect the farmers who grow my food.
And I'm still growing my own food. We're moving into tomato season, and tonight we'll have insalata caprese with tomatoes and basil from the garden. We're still enjoying carrots, and the second crop of lettuce is looking good. Strangely, we're also still getting lots of fresh strawberries - and I love them!
I'm still baking bread, too. This is one area that's actually cheaper. I reuse plastic bags for the bread, I buy organic flour, and it's pretty darned efficient. Tessa thinks that everyone makes their own bread, and I'm proud that she prefers my whole-grain wheat to white bread.
Almost 100% of my cleaning products are green now, and I love that. I'm not breathing chemicals inside my house, which makes me believe that it's cleaner than it's ever been. Sure, there is a little dust sometimes, but nothing toxic.
I've fallen in love with Kiss My Face products - the care package sent to me went to good use, and we used their sunscreen and lip balm all summer. I found a tear-out card in a National Geographic Green Magazine that lists toxic chemicals found in body-care products, and now I keep the card in my wallet and use it when I'm making shampoo, soap, lotion, etc. purchases. Kiss My Face, Alba, and JASON are all favorite brands. I especially like Kiss My Face olive oil soap.
I've gotten rid of most plastic, and we're doing just fine with glass containers for food. They have plastic lids, but the percentage is so small, and the food doesn't usually touch the plastic, and I like that.
We are re-using containers whenever possible. I've started buying fresh ground peanut butter at PCC so we bring our own containers in. I'm buying in bulk, and I even have my own reusable produce bags.
We have a call in to have our second fridge removed; it's been unplugged for a couple months and we haven't missed it.
I'm shopping a LOT less, and buying a lot fewer things....and not missing out! I hate the packaging, and I don't want clutter in my house. This is a challenge, and not one I always enjoy, but I've improved.
I would be lying if I said it was all easy. It is not. It is a LOT of effort sometimes. In the mornings, as I'm out the door on foot at 8:12 to make sure we don't miss our 8:22 bus, I think "If we were driving, we could leave at 8:50 and get there with time to spare!" It takes double the time to shop when I'm trying ot reduce packaging, buy locally, organically, and nutritionally....I read every label and I still make mistakes. Sometimes as I'm walking home from school with the dog I think that it would be nice to just go to the gym "like a normal person" and not have a dog pulling me as I get my exercise; it would be nice not to have a 1 mile long hill as the last mile of my run (OUCH). I wish the green choices were cheaper; usually they're not. I wish they were the most convenient; often they're not.
But it's worth it. I am living according to my values. I am not doing it perfectly, and I have a lot to learn, but I am trying my hardest. It may be better than, or worse than, others, but it is simply my best. I make a lot of mistakes, but I don't stop trying. I am proud of that.
Tessa and I are bussing to school in the mornings, and I'm walking home, doing errands along the way. I calculate that if I bus 50% of the time (eg., mornings but not afternoons) I'm saving about 1000 miles of driving in our car - 2.5 miles each way is 5 miles round trip (remember, I don't stay at school!), or 10 miles per day, 20 days per month, or 200 miles per month, which is 2000 miles per year (10 month school year). Cutting out such a short drive - hey, it's less than 3 miles! - may seem insignificant but it DOES add up.
Errands on foot is time consuming, but I'm doing it. This morning after dropping off Tessa, Shep and I walked to PCC to shop and then walked home. I used my "old lady cart" successfully, but I have to say that an 80 pound dog PLUS a full cart and a several mile walk might be more than I can do that often - something's gotta give. Plus, it took 2 hours total (including shopping time) and that is a big chunk of my day when I have other commitments as well.
PCC is my preferred shopping location these days. I am buying as much local produce as possible; I'm careful to read labels. I love Bob's Red Mill; I'm buying local organic produce; my meat, eggs, and dairy are organic, hormone free, etc. I try not to look at the cost of the non-organic stuff, because it depresses me how much extra I spend on groceries, especially when our grocery budget is tight, but it's part of my value system and I do not want to compromise. I believe that my food choices are helpful to the planet, to the inhabitants of the planet, and and to my own body. I'm trying to buy sustainable, fair-trade products, as well, to protect the farmers who grow my food.
And I'm still growing my own food. We're moving into tomato season, and tonight we'll have insalata caprese with tomatoes and basil from the garden. We're still enjoying carrots, and the second crop of lettuce is looking good. Strangely, we're also still getting lots of fresh strawberries - and I love them!
I'm still baking bread, too. This is one area that's actually cheaper. I reuse plastic bags for the bread, I buy organic flour, and it's pretty darned efficient. Tessa thinks that everyone makes their own bread, and I'm proud that she prefers my whole-grain wheat to white bread.
Almost 100% of my cleaning products are green now, and I love that. I'm not breathing chemicals inside my house, which makes me believe that it's cleaner than it's ever been. Sure, there is a little dust sometimes, but nothing toxic.
I've fallen in love with Kiss My Face products - the care package sent to me went to good use, and we used their sunscreen and lip balm all summer. I found a tear-out card in a National Geographic Green Magazine that lists toxic chemicals found in body-care products, and now I keep the card in my wallet and use it when I'm making shampoo, soap, lotion, etc. purchases. Kiss My Face, Alba, and JASON are all favorite brands. I especially like Kiss My Face olive oil soap.
I've gotten rid of most plastic, and we're doing just fine with glass containers for food. They have plastic lids, but the percentage is so small, and the food doesn't usually touch the plastic, and I like that.
We are re-using containers whenever possible. I've started buying fresh ground peanut butter at PCC so we bring our own containers in. I'm buying in bulk, and I even have my own reusable produce bags.
We have a call in to have our second fridge removed; it's been unplugged for a couple months and we haven't missed it.
I'm shopping a LOT less, and buying a lot fewer things....and not missing out! I hate the packaging, and I don't want clutter in my house. This is a challenge, and not one I always enjoy, but I've improved.
I would be lying if I said it was all easy. It is not. It is a LOT of effort sometimes. In the mornings, as I'm out the door on foot at 8:12 to make sure we don't miss our 8:22 bus, I think "If we were driving, we could leave at 8:50 and get there with time to spare!" It takes double the time to shop when I'm trying ot reduce packaging, buy locally, organically, and nutritionally....I read every label and I still make mistakes. Sometimes as I'm walking home from school with the dog I think that it would be nice to just go to the gym "like a normal person" and not have a dog pulling me as I get my exercise; it would be nice not to have a 1 mile long hill as the last mile of my run (OUCH). I wish the green choices were cheaper; usually they're not. I wish they were the most convenient; often they're not.
But it's worth it. I am living according to my values. I am not doing it perfectly, and I have a lot to learn, but I am trying my hardest. It may be better than, or worse than, others, but it is simply my best. I make a lot of mistakes, but I don't stop trying. I am proud of that.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Finding the routine
I am settling into my routine, and finding comfort in it. I'm trying to create space to spend quality time with Tessa (especially since our quantity has been reduced), to take care of my mental and physical health, to care for the house, to keep up with chores, to do work on the book, to walk the dog, and all the rest.
Slowly, it's shaking out. I haven't got it figured out, but I've got a start.
Today is Tessa's first day of ballet, and I'm excited for her to begin. I hope it's not too much at the start of school - she's already pretty tired - but it's the activity she most wants to do, and I want her to have one activity outside of school. She has friends in the class, and as always, that will help with her transition.
Today Ryan is still in Virginia, but he comes home tonight in preparation for his first "real" day. His messages to me are positive and hopeful, and I hope that this job is just what he hopes it will be - challenging but not too challenging; interesting; motivating. I hope he is a star!
And now I'm off to look at book materials.
Routine, routine.....I'll get there....
Slowly, it's shaking out. I haven't got it figured out, but I've got a start.
Today is Tessa's first day of ballet, and I'm excited for her to begin. I hope it's not too much at the start of school - she's already pretty tired - but it's the activity she most wants to do, and I want her to have one activity outside of school. She has friends in the class, and as always, that will help with her transition.
Today Ryan is still in Virginia, but he comes home tonight in preparation for his first "real" day. His messages to me are positive and hopeful, and I hope that this job is just what he hopes it will be - challenging but not too challenging; interesting; motivating. I hope he is a star!
And now I'm off to look at book materials.
Routine, routine.....I'll get there....
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Light Reading
I continue to read up on breast cancer research, though not as actively as I once did. Today I'm looking at the ASCO results, and came across this:
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40425
The short version? I'm very fortunate that though I had 1 positive lymph node, 24 others were negative, as my ratio predicts higher survival rates.
I'm trying to find info on the 2-year arm of the HERA trial, but it hasn't been released yet. (I took Herceptin for two years under the hope that 2 was better than 1. No data to prove anything yet.)
I also found out that the fact that I had all of my lymph nodes on that side removed is the recommended treatment, but not followed by the majority of ASCO doctors in the case of micrometastases (what I had).
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40456
Fun reading, hmmm?
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40425
The short version? I'm very fortunate that though I had 1 positive lymph node, 24 others were negative, as my ratio predicts higher survival rates.
I'm trying to find info on the 2-year arm of the HERA trial, but it hasn't been released yet. (I took Herceptin for two years under the hope that 2 was better than 1. No data to prove anything yet.)
I also found out that the fact that I had all of my lymph nodes on that side removed is the recommended treatment, but not followed by the majority of ASCO doctors in the case of micrometastases (what I had).
http://www.asco.org/ASCO/Abstracts+%26+Virtual+Meeting/Abstracts?&vmview=abst_detail_view&confID=58&abstractID=40456
Fun reading, hmmm?
Friday, September 05, 2008
October approaches
October is a spooky month.
Of course, there's Halloween. Ghosties and ghouls and witches and bats and all that. But they don't scare me.
It's also breast cancer awareness month. Pink ribbons make me quiver with remembered fear more than any bat ever could, but of course I politely thank people for their support of the cause because I DO want a cure and awareness is critical to finding that cure. Still, constant reminders of how 40,000 women will die of breast cancer in the US this year is, well, frightening. I continue to pray that I will not be one of these women.
It's also the anniversary of my giant breakdown last year. The corrective surgery that went wrong, surgeon's mistakes, and my utter inability to process one more thing. Dark, dark times.
And this year, it's surgery #10. I have known for months that October would be the date of my next surgery, and with Tessa in school I no longer had a chance to tell myself I was too busy to book the appointment. Today I called, and I was scheduled for October 23. I am assured that they will accept our new insurance as a preferred provider; I am assured that this will be an "easy" surgery. ("Tylenol Extra Strength if you're lucky. Of course, we'll send you home with "real" pain drugs, but maybe you won't need them!" I do not feel particularly "lucky" and I hope that my bad attitude does not cause me to have pain above and beyond what is required.)
Why am I doing this surgery?
- Replace expanders (rock hard awful deformed objects on my chest) with soft implants
- Line up my breasts so that they rest on the same horizontal plane (which they currently do not)
- Remove the heinous attempt at nipples that just created nasty scars
- Remove some of the weird deformed shapes (breast liposuction, if you can believe that)
- Remove the bump over my eye - it's a scar left over from the failed attempt to use my eyelid skin for areolas
- Drop two cup sizes
I am most excited about having smaller breasts. These are bigger than I wanted, and I hate them. If I have to hate them, I at least want them to be smaller so that they're not so noticeable. Plus, I want to run, and smaller breasts are better for that.
I am choosing not to pursue nipples, areolas, tattoos, or any other corrections after this. I am just so **** tired of all this surgery that it takes more strength than I have just to schedule the appointment. (I was "supposed" to schedule it in June. )
I'm lining up childcare and self care and I hope to get it over with asap. But now there is a date on the calendar: October 23, I get the knife. Again.
Of course, there's Halloween. Ghosties and ghouls and witches and bats and all that. But they don't scare me.
It's also breast cancer awareness month. Pink ribbons make me quiver with remembered fear more than any bat ever could, but of course I politely thank people for their support of the cause because I DO want a cure and awareness is critical to finding that cure. Still, constant reminders of how 40,000 women will die of breast cancer in the US this year is, well, frightening. I continue to pray that I will not be one of these women.
It's also the anniversary of my giant breakdown last year. The corrective surgery that went wrong, surgeon's mistakes, and my utter inability to process one more thing. Dark, dark times.
And this year, it's surgery #10. I have known for months that October would be the date of my next surgery, and with Tessa in school I no longer had a chance to tell myself I was too busy to book the appointment. Today I called, and I was scheduled for October 23. I am assured that they will accept our new insurance as a preferred provider; I am assured that this will be an "easy" surgery. ("Tylenol Extra Strength if you're lucky. Of course, we'll send you home with "real" pain drugs, but maybe you won't need them!" I do not feel particularly "lucky" and I hope that my bad attitude does not cause me to have pain above and beyond what is required.)
Why am I doing this surgery?
- Replace expanders (rock hard awful deformed objects on my chest) with soft implants
- Line up my breasts so that they rest on the same horizontal plane (which they currently do not)
- Remove the heinous attempt at nipples that just created nasty scars
- Remove some of the weird deformed shapes (breast liposuction, if you can believe that)
- Remove the bump over my eye - it's a scar left over from the failed attempt to use my eyelid skin for areolas
- Drop two cup sizes
I am most excited about having smaller breasts. These are bigger than I wanted, and I hate them. If I have to hate them, I at least want them to be smaller so that they're not so noticeable. Plus, I want to run, and smaller breasts are better for that.
I am choosing not to pursue nipples, areolas, tattoos, or any other corrections after this. I am just so **** tired of all this surgery that it takes more strength than I have just to schedule the appointment. (I was "supposed" to schedule it in June. )
I'm lining up childcare and self care and I hope to get it over with asap. But now there is a date on the calendar: October 23, I get the knife. Again.
Winding down the week, winding up life
This week is almost over, and Tessa is at her third day of kindergarten. So far, everything is a thumbs' up, and just typing that sentence makes me choke up with gratitude. The teacher is great, the school is great, friends are great, everything is interesting. The Metro bus ride is working out great, and Shep is enjoying his long walk home, as he's getting more exercise than usual because of this schedule. (He's lying on his bed beside me as I type, looking a bit exhausted. Ha - I wore out the lab! Hallelujah!) I'm also enjoying the exercise, and the stolen fifteen minutes where I sit facing the sea and meditate and think about my life and my day - what a blissful thing to connect with the ocean that way.
We are not yet in the full routine, but we're learning. I need to get up at about 6am to get showered and dressed, make Tessa's lunch (next week I'll be making Ryan's lunch, too), and prepare breakfast before Tessa wakes up. Then, I have to roust the sleepy girl - she, like her mama, is a bit anti-morning, and I have to go in her room several times before I can get her out of bed. I'm trying to accomodate this by giving her lots of time between when I first wake her and when she gets out of bed, and leaving time to have a gentle morning so that we don't have to rush from the get-go. This is a challenge, but I think it's going to go well.
I'm also trying to make hot breakfasts for the girl. Usually we're content to stick with cereal, but since there are no snacks at school and lunch isn't until 12 or 12:30, I'm trying to stuff her full before school so that she can make it that long. This week on various days I've made bacon, eggs, sausage, and oatmeal with yogurt, always with fruit and a glass of milk. I don't really want her to eat that much meat (nitrates, fat, yada yada) every day but it seems that my mornings are destined for lots of time in the kitchen.
We walk out the door at 8:10am to get three blocks in 12 minutes for our 8:22 pick up. Of course, a "normal" walk would get us there in about 4 minutes, but I want to let her go at her own pace without having to hurry, so we go at a snail's pace. Then we wait, with Shep, for the bus. The bus feels like a private car, because the regular driver, Scott, remembers our names, promises to bring treats for Shep, and chats with us as we go in. Plus, the route isn't very popular, so when we get on we're sometimes the only passengers.
We get dropped off a block from school, right on the beach, then walk a block, arriving at school at about a quarter to 9, in time for 20 minutes of playing on the playground before first bell. We tie Shep up and he gets lots of pets from all the kids coming in and out, making Tessa a bit of a star.
Then the bell, and Tessa's off with a kiss, and I'm free for the day. WOW. Of course, groceries, laundry, more cooking, and the rest call to me....but I still have time to myself. Look at me now, mid-day and on the computer...wow.
So we're winding down the week, looking forward to the weekend. On Sunday, the first "real" week begins. Ryan will get on a plane for his orientation at BearingPoint - his new job. Everything is signed and ready, and Ryan's first day is Monday in DC; the company is located in Virginia (Ryan works in the Bellevue office) and so orientation is held there. So, Ryan will be working, Tessa will have her first full week of school, and ballet classes will start, and we'll be off to the races....
Hoping for a good year. A great year. An amazing time. Isn't it our turn now?
We are not yet in the full routine, but we're learning. I need to get up at about 6am to get showered and dressed, make Tessa's lunch (next week I'll be making Ryan's lunch, too), and prepare breakfast before Tessa wakes up. Then, I have to roust the sleepy girl - she, like her mama, is a bit anti-morning, and I have to go in her room several times before I can get her out of bed. I'm trying to accomodate this by giving her lots of time between when I first wake her and when she gets out of bed, and leaving time to have a gentle morning so that we don't have to rush from the get-go. This is a challenge, but I think it's going to go well.
I'm also trying to make hot breakfasts for the girl. Usually we're content to stick with cereal, but since there are no snacks at school and lunch isn't until 12 or 12:30, I'm trying to stuff her full before school so that she can make it that long. This week on various days I've made bacon, eggs, sausage, and oatmeal with yogurt, always with fruit and a glass of milk. I don't really want her to eat that much meat (nitrates, fat, yada yada) every day but it seems that my mornings are destined for lots of time in the kitchen.
We walk out the door at 8:10am to get three blocks in 12 minutes for our 8:22 pick up. Of course, a "normal" walk would get us there in about 4 minutes, but I want to let her go at her own pace without having to hurry, so we go at a snail's pace. Then we wait, with Shep, for the bus. The bus feels like a private car, because the regular driver, Scott, remembers our names, promises to bring treats for Shep, and chats with us as we go in. Plus, the route isn't very popular, so when we get on we're sometimes the only passengers.
We get dropped off a block from school, right on the beach, then walk a block, arriving at school at about a quarter to 9, in time for 20 minutes of playing on the playground before first bell. We tie Shep up and he gets lots of pets from all the kids coming in and out, making Tessa a bit of a star.
Then the bell, and Tessa's off with a kiss, and I'm free for the day. WOW. Of course, groceries, laundry, more cooking, and the rest call to me....but I still have time to myself. Look at me now, mid-day and on the computer...wow.
So we're winding down the week, looking forward to the weekend. On Sunday, the first "real" week begins. Ryan will get on a plane for his orientation at BearingPoint - his new job. Everything is signed and ready, and Ryan's first day is Monday in DC; the company is located in Virginia (Ryan works in the Bellevue office) and so orientation is held there. So, Ryan will be working, Tessa will have her first full week of school, and ballet classes will start, and we'll be off to the races....
Hoping for a good year. A great year. An amazing time. Isn't it our turn now?
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
End of day kindergarten notes
Success!
Tessa looked a little nervous when she came out of the school doors to meet me at the end of the day, but then she caught my eye, ran into me at full tilt, gave me a massive hug, and smiled for all she was worth. The day was a success, and "Mommy, we had Spanish!"
I can't get too many details from her, but there was a school assembly, there were stories, there was recess with Anna, and at lunchtime she sat with Jessie. (She ate all of her fruit and no sandwich....hmmm.)
After school, some parents and kids went to celebrate the first day with ice cream from Pepperdock at Alki, and the girls played in the sand in the sunshine. I was struck with the beauty of the place - blue sky, sparkling seas, the Seattle skyline around the bend, Olympics presiding over all - and the beauty of the moment. I was so grateful that my daughter is filled with confidence, and that she is embracing the idea of school. I hope that she will be a lifelong scholar, filled with a love of learning.
We're off to a good start.
Tessa looked a little nervous when she came out of the school doors to meet me at the end of the day, but then she caught my eye, ran into me at full tilt, gave me a massive hug, and smiled for all she was worth. The day was a success, and "Mommy, we had Spanish!"
I can't get too many details from her, but there was a school assembly, there were stories, there was recess with Anna, and at lunchtime she sat with Jessie. (She ate all of her fruit and no sandwich....hmmm.)
After school, some parents and kids went to celebrate the first day with ice cream from Pepperdock at Alki, and the girls played in the sand in the sunshine. I was struck with the beauty of the place - blue sky, sparkling seas, the Seattle skyline around the bend, Olympics presiding over all - and the beauty of the moment. I was so grateful that my daughter is filled with confidence, and that she is embracing the idea of school. I hope that she will be a lifelong scholar, filled with a love of learning.
We're off to a good start.
First Day of Kindergarten
The long anticipated day has finally arrived, and as I type this, Tessa is sitting in Ms. Coghill's class at Alki. She was filled with excitement for the day, waking up early and thrilled with the prospect of a day at school.
I made a massive breakfast of Tessa's choice: sausage and bacon, scrambled eggs with cheese, mango and strawberries. Tessa chose her own outfit - a new school dress - and hairstyle. We have chosen to take the bus as much as possible, riding Metro each day together. Most days I will take Shep with me, and tie him up while I drop Tessa off, and then I'll run/walk home with him for a workout for each of us. For pick-up I think I'll drive more often because it takes a bit to get home if I Metro it, but most mornings (maybe all!) I will take Tessa on the bus.
(Tessa can't ride the yellow bus because of administrivia; we don't qualify for transportation on the school bus to Alki. No matter; I like the chance to talk with her on the way in.)
Pictures tell the story -
Tessa with a backpack on (it's as big as she is, despite the "ergonomic fit"!) at our front door, dressed for school; On the bus with Mama and Daddy; with the bus driver (Scott - super friendly Metro driver); in front of her pink locker with her name on it (and she's sharing a locker with Benjamin); on the playground with Anna; walking in line to the classroom from outdoors; sitting at her desk; a broad view of her classroom (you can see that Jessie sits in the same row, a few seats away).
When the settling in was done, and the parents were encouraged to leave - already? - I asked Tessa if she was ready for me to go or if I should stay a little. She said, "I'm ready for you to go," in a very matter of fact voice, and with a smile. I felt a tiny bit heartbroken, but so proud of her in that moment. She is, indeed, ready for kindergarten on her own, and she is going to do GREAT.
And me? I need to start working on MY new life, with a child in school full time. Lots to think about on that front.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Exhausted and sad
I don't know if it's because I was gone from home for so long and I'm so far behind, or if it's all of the changes and stresses in our lives catching up to me, but I'm feeling really overwhelmed and pessimistic right now.
I want to be an optimist. I'm trying to use the language of optimism on myself. I'm trying to meditate. I'm trying to take action to fix those things that seem broken, in my home, myself, my relationships.
I'm just exhausted and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Ugh.
I'll get over it. I always do, don't I? I'm faking it pretty well. But at the end of the day, I just feel sad.
Back to the therapist.
I want to be an optimist. I'm trying to use the language of optimism on myself. I'm trying to meditate. I'm trying to take action to fix those things that seem broken, in my home, myself, my relationships.
I'm just exhausted and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Ugh.
I'll get over it. I always do, don't I? I'm faking it pretty well. But at the end of the day, I just feel sad.
Back to the therapist.
Monday, August 25, 2008
...and home AGAIN!
So Tessa, Ryan and I got home from the coast late Friday. We spent Saturday at home (I don't even know how many loads of laundry I did) and had our wonderful neighbors Sarah & Steven over for dinner and catch-up in the evening. Then, at 11am on Sunday, Tessa and I were out the door again, this time for a night with the Landahls at the Grand Wolf Lodge. The Lodge is a water park with slides, pools, and more activities than I could possibly name, with themed rooms (ours was a cabin; the kids had a "real" cabin in the middle of the room to sleep in, with painted murals and bunk beds). We had so much fun with Susan, Jackson, and Carter....but I haven't been away from home for this long in YEARS and I am really glad to be back.
The house needs a good scrub (when Susan dropped us off tonight and came in for take-out dinner, her d0g allergies kicked in big time), the laundry isn't all done, and I have more projects awaiting me than I can count.
Tonight I hope to sleep well, and long.
Love,
Kristina
PS At least a dozen messages on my machine and countless emails - I am so far behind I don't know how to catch up but tomorrow I'll try. I haven't even heard my voicemail yet.
The house needs a good scrub (when Susan dropped us off tonight and came in for take-out dinner, her d0g allergies kicked in big time), the laundry isn't all done, and I have more projects awaiting me than I can count.
Tonight I hope to sleep well, and long.
Love,
Kristina
PS At least a dozen messages on my machine and countless emails - I am so far behind I don't know how to catch up but tomorrow I'll try. I haven't even heard my voicemail yet.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Back at home
We arrived home last night, tired and sandy, glad to see home again. Mozart was glad to see us, and we're glad to sleep in our own beds. The beach was wonderful, and it would be hard to leave if we didn't have our own beaches at home, but as it was we were both sad and glad to leave. There is truly no place like home.
And now it's the craziness of catch-up. Weeks worth of mail, laundry, un-done gardening, and the like. Off to the races!
And now it's the craziness of catch-up. Weeks worth of mail, laundry, un-done gardening, and the like. Off to the races!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The perfect sand castle
This post is to remind me that today Tessa and I created the perfect sandcastle.
Just a bucket, a shovel, one perfect mound. A little moat, a little stick drawbridge, and sand dollar decorations. Not special to the outsider, but perfect to us.
No pictures as the camera is out of batteries, but I dont' want to forget the moment.
Just a bucket, a shovel, one perfect mound. A little moat, a little stick drawbridge, and sand dollar decorations. Not special to the outsider, but perfect to us.
No pictures as the camera is out of batteries, but I dont' want to forget the moment.
Mini update from Cannon Beach
Ryan is on a bike ride, and Tessa and I are almost ready to take Shep for a romp on the sand. We'll bring sand toys, and be prepared to get damp, so that Tessa can explore the tide pools.....ahhhhhh.
Further news from Ryan's new employer has him starting perhaps Sept. 8; the signature chain from managers is going well but SLOWLY. The company has new employees do an orientation in DC upon starting, and since the orientation is only offered on Mondays and Sept. 1 is a holiday, his start date gets bumped further. That's okay; it gives our family time to get some projects done, and Ryan can be there for Tessa's first day of kindergarten.
Off to our vacation. Sending our love to everyone!
Further news from Ryan's new employer has him starting perhaps Sept. 8; the signature chain from managers is going well but SLOWLY. The company has new employees do an orientation in DC upon starting, and since the orientation is only offered on Mondays and Sept. 1 is a holiday, his start date gets bumped further. That's okay; it gives our family time to get some projects done, and Ryan can be there for Tessa's first day of kindergarten.
Off to our vacation. Sending our love to everyone!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Cannon Beach & Happiness
Ahhhhhh. This is the good life.
We are at the Surfsand Resort at Cannon Beach - a sister property of the Stephanie Inn, where we got engaged and also got married. We got an incredible deal thanks to a little negotiating with a willing reservations agent :-) and we are staying for four nights - hurrah! Our room has a fireplace, a giant tub, a walk in shower, flat screen TVs, and a full bar with kitchen essentials like mini-fridge and microwave. When we arrived, they gave Tessa a sand bucket and signed her up for the kids club; they delivered her cookies at bedtime. When we got to our room, there was a pet package (yes, Shep is with us, as this hotel has some pet friendly rooms) and there was a dog bed, bowls, dog towels, etc. all waiting for us.
Right now, I hear the roar of the surf outside our door. We only get the beachfront room for one night, and the next few nights we get a view of the parking lot, but I don't care! We're at Cannon Beach and loving it.
We went on the beach tonight, and Shep ran and raced in circles, and we all joined him. Ahhhhh.
And we're celebrating, too, because we got the information about the benefits package, and it looks great....including four weeks of vacation plus sick time plus holidays. This is just what we'd hoped for! We still don't have the formal offer because it's going through the signature process but everything is moving ahead smoothly, albeit slowly, and the recruiter isn't at all concerned so we're not, either. Instead, we're enjoying beach time.
We'll post more information about the company etc when we've signed the offer, but we're excited. And we can't wait to have Sue & Phil over to celebrate, as Phil helped Ryan to find this opportunity.
Signing out - off to relax. See you later!
We are at the Surfsand Resort at Cannon Beach - a sister property of the Stephanie Inn, where we got engaged and also got married. We got an incredible deal thanks to a little negotiating with a willing reservations agent :-) and we are staying for four nights - hurrah! Our room has a fireplace, a giant tub, a walk in shower, flat screen TVs, and a full bar with kitchen essentials like mini-fridge and microwave. When we arrived, they gave Tessa a sand bucket and signed her up for the kids club; they delivered her cookies at bedtime. When we got to our room, there was a pet package (yes, Shep is with us, as this hotel has some pet friendly rooms) and there was a dog bed, bowls, dog towels, etc. all waiting for us.
Right now, I hear the roar of the surf outside our door. We only get the beachfront room for one night, and the next few nights we get a view of the parking lot, but I don't care! We're at Cannon Beach and loving it.
We went on the beach tonight, and Shep ran and raced in circles, and we all joined him. Ahhhhh.
And we're celebrating, too, because we got the information about the benefits package, and it looks great....including four weeks of vacation plus sick time plus holidays. This is just what we'd hoped for! We still don't have the formal offer because it's going through the signature process but everything is moving ahead smoothly, albeit slowly, and the recruiter isn't at all concerned so we're not, either. Instead, we're enjoying beach time.
We'll post more information about the company etc when we've signed the offer, but we're excited. And we can't wait to have Sue & Phil over to celebrate, as Phil helped Ryan to find this opportunity.
Signing out - off to relax. See you later!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Taking a break, getting a break....
I write to you from my parents' laptop, sitting in their motorcoach at a resort in Newport, OR. The fog is thick today, but I don't care....a cup of coffee in hand, I'm blogging here before writing in my journal a bit. Tessa, Grammy and Grandpa are at the pool, where I have already spent many happy hours this trip. (News flash: Tessa swam the length of the pool! She's turning into a fish.)
And I have an update....
Ryan has received a good job offer! I won't share all of the details just yet because the offer is verbal and we're waiting to see the whole offer in writing, but we feel very positive and optimistic about it. Stay tuned for more details, but it looks like Ryan would start on the 25th. Hurrah! If it works out (and we do think it will), Ryan will meet Tessa and I in Portland on Sunday, spend some time visiting with his folks, and then spend a couple of days at Cannon Beach, which is one of our family's favorite places (Orcas Island, Cannon Beach, and West Seattle are our top three, I think) so we can play as a family before he begins the next adventure.
Tessa and I are having a great time with my family; my parents have been spoiling us by taking us to resturants, getting Tessa ice cream cones, going on a whale watching cruise (yes, we saw whales - love it!), and of course hours of beach time and pool time. I flew a kite yesterday (Tessa was uninterested, so I realized it was what *I* wanted to do, and we brought the kite we purchased two years ago in Cannon Beach), I've gone for runs on the beach, we've watched seal pups on the beach and sea lions on the docks, we've gone to the aquarium, we've climbed the Yaquina Point Lighthouse, and we've seen more shore birds than I can count. Tessa was feeling a bit homesick yesterday, missing Daddy but also her friend Anna, but just in time another girl her age came to the pool and the two of them played for a couple of hours yesterday. The other girl is from North Dakota, and she and Tessa have vowed to be penpals....so cute.
More from me another time, but now I feel a need to write in my journal. Ahhh, the good life! I hope that you are well, and that you, too, have relaxation in your near future.
And I have an update....
Ryan has received a good job offer! I won't share all of the details just yet because the offer is verbal and we're waiting to see the whole offer in writing, but we feel very positive and optimistic about it. Stay tuned for more details, but it looks like Ryan would start on the 25th. Hurrah! If it works out (and we do think it will), Ryan will meet Tessa and I in Portland on Sunday, spend some time visiting with his folks, and then spend a couple of days at Cannon Beach, which is one of our family's favorite places (Orcas Island, Cannon Beach, and West Seattle are our top three, I think) so we can play as a family before he begins the next adventure.
Tessa and I are having a great time with my family; my parents have been spoiling us by taking us to resturants, getting Tessa ice cream cones, going on a whale watching cruise (yes, we saw whales - love it!), and of course hours of beach time and pool time. I flew a kite yesterday (Tessa was uninterested, so I realized it was what *I* wanted to do, and we brought the kite we purchased two years ago in Cannon Beach), I've gone for runs on the beach, we've watched seal pups on the beach and sea lions on the docks, we've gone to the aquarium, we've climbed the Yaquina Point Lighthouse, and we've seen more shore birds than I can count. Tessa was feeling a bit homesick yesterday, missing Daddy but also her friend Anna, but just in time another girl her age came to the pool and the two of them played for a couple of hours yesterday. The other girl is from North Dakota, and she and Tessa have vowed to be penpals....so cute.
More from me another time, but now I feel a need to write in my journal. Ahhh, the good life! I hope that you are well, and that you, too, have relaxation in your near future.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Summer half gone
...and half still before us.
The days continue to fly by. I am holding tight to my little pre-kindergartener, fully aware that the fall brings change to more than the leaves. I watch her cavort on the beach at Alki, her slim body covered only by a bright swimsuit, her hair dripping wet, as she invents games with logs and buckets of water, and I'm overwhelmed by the loveliness of it all. I am grateful that she runs to me, smiling but shivering, and wants to be held close to me in the warmth of the soft towel while she warms up. I know that as soon as the goosebumps flatten she'll be off again, but in that moment she is a part of me, and of my body, as I hold her close and wrap my arms around her.
Kindergarten is more of a beginning than an end, I think, but it's like those days on the beach. Not that long ago, I had to remain six inches from Tessa when she was near the water, for fear that she'd fall, or find fear in a small wave, or wander off....and now she's grown so independent, not needing me or wanting me in her game. I hold tight to the idea that she still runs to me when she's cold, or hungry, and that she still welcomes my arms around her when she scrapes her toe. She still wants to share her victories with me ("Mama, did you see how big that log was? I lifted it all by myself! Did you see? Did you?"), and with luck and love this will never change. She will go farther and farther away, and I will wonder at this beautiful girl who has replaced my mewing baby....but she will always be my baby.
Ahhhh, sentimental drivel, but it's MY sentimental drivel. I am glad to be able to reflect on these changing days.
Tomorrow Tessa and I will head off in my parents motorhome for a vacation to the Oregon Coast. I'll revel in the warmth of my parents' love and care, and we'll have a great time playing on the Newport beaches. I'm looking forward to sunny days with few responsibilities.
Ryan will stay home to tend the castle, and to work on his job search. He's moved to the third interviews with one company, with applications in at others, and we are hopeful for the right opportunity(s). Transitions are not easy, and this isn't an easy time, but I hold out for the belief that things will be even better than they were before. I don't believe in a master plan, but I do believe that we can learn and grow and create something wonderful. I hold that hope close to my heart.
Last night I went to the WSUUC religious education committee meeting, and I felt so honored to be in the company of such wonderful women. Their depth, commitment, and spirituality, combined with humor and twinkly eyes make me want to be a part of thier group, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I am still struggling, still uncertain of so many parts of my path, still hurt by various injustices and confusions and struggles in my life. But I do not forget the gratitude, and this helps to keep me sane.
I will not be on email at all until at least Wednesday, but I will have my cell phone with me if you need to reach me. Until then!
The days continue to fly by. I am holding tight to my little pre-kindergartener, fully aware that the fall brings change to more than the leaves. I watch her cavort on the beach at Alki, her slim body covered only by a bright swimsuit, her hair dripping wet, as she invents games with logs and buckets of water, and I'm overwhelmed by the loveliness of it all. I am grateful that she runs to me, smiling but shivering, and wants to be held close to me in the warmth of the soft towel while she warms up. I know that as soon as the goosebumps flatten she'll be off again, but in that moment she is a part of me, and of my body, as I hold her close and wrap my arms around her.
Kindergarten is more of a beginning than an end, I think, but it's like those days on the beach. Not that long ago, I had to remain six inches from Tessa when she was near the water, for fear that she'd fall, or find fear in a small wave, or wander off....and now she's grown so independent, not needing me or wanting me in her game. I hold tight to the idea that she still runs to me when she's cold, or hungry, and that she still welcomes my arms around her when she scrapes her toe. She still wants to share her victories with me ("Mama, did you see how big that log was? I lifted it all by myself! Did you see? Did you?"), and with luck and love this will never change. She will go farther and farther away, and I will wonder at this beautiful girl who has replaced my mewing baby....but she will always be my baby.
Ahhhh, sentimental drivel, but it's MY sentimental drivel. I am glad to be able to reflect on these changing days.
Tomorrow Tessa and I will head off in my parents motorhome for a vacation to the Oregon Coast. I'll revel in the warmth of my parents' love and care, and we'll have a great time playing on the Newport beaches. I'm looking forward to sunny days with few responsibilities.
Ryan will stay home to tend the castle, and to work on his job search. He's moved to the third interviews with one company, with applications in at others, and we are hopeful for the right opportunity(s). Transitions are not easy, and this isn't an easy time, but I hold out for the belief that things will be even better than they were before. I don't believe in a master plan, but I do believe that we can learn and grow and create something wonderful. I hold that hope close to my heart.
Last night I went to the WSUUC religious education committee meeting, and I felt so honored to be in the company of such wonderful women. Their depth, commitment, and spirituality, combined with humor and twinkly eyes make me want to be a part of thier group, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I am still struggling, still uncertain of so many parts of my path, still hurt by various injustices and confusions and struggles in my life. But I do not forget the gratitude, and this helps to keep me sane.
I will not be on email at all until at least Wednesday, but I will have my cell phone with me if you need to reach me. Until then!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Remember me?!
I used to blog daily. Remember me?
Seriously, though, I just haven't had access to the computer very much during the day, and I have been spectacularly tired at night and unable to stay up late when I could get online. I've often been going to bed at 8:30pm - how crazy is that? It's 7pm and I'm yawning as I type (truthfully). I am concerned that my thyroid meds are off (they go "off" pretty routinely) and as usual I just chalk up my fatigue to the endless surgery, chemo, blah blah blah. I don't like it but it is what it is, and I have such doctor fatigue that I haven't even gone back to the dentist to get fillings. (I know. That's ridiculous, foolish, and maybe dangerous. I'll do it. Soon. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.)
Ryan is hard at work on the job hunt; he is putting a lot of energy into it and I believe that it is certain to yield excellent results because of that hard work.
I'm hard at work at therapy; I really like the woman I see. I've got some work in front of me to get through my issues....but what else is new?!
Tomorrow morning we are going camping with the PEPS group, and I'm really excited to spend time with friends in the woods. Tessa is particularly ecstatic that Anna will be there, and is even hoping for a tent sleepover. :-) I do not enjoy packing for camping (I'm looking at the pile in our living room right now, wondering how on earth it will fit in our car, and wondering what I've forgotten) but by this time tomorrow I should be sitting around a campfire, glass of wine in hand, smiling at the smudge of dirt on Tessa's face and feeling content. (We'll be back Sunday, FYI.)
I'm just going along, trying not to think too hard about the deep stuff so that I can enjoy the summer. Summer picnics at the local beaches, hiking (Tessa can do about 5 miles now and that is thrilling to me), walking to do our errands, drinking coffee in the mornings, being outside in our yard as much as possible.
I'm still working hard at being green, and have much to report, but not the energy to do it. I'm getting my cleaning products figured out, buying less, shopping for food more wisely (more local stuff, less packaging, and figuring out how to make those things reality). I am not 100% successful and I have to remind myself not to judge my own shortcomings too harshly, because I'm doing so much in the right direction, and about 500% more than I was a year ago, and it must be enough. I keep pushing myself to do more, to figure out more, but I can not conquer it all at one time, and need to take bite sized pieces.
I participated in Family Promise (a traveling homeless shelter) this week, and the rewards were mine. I do not know what the family got from me, but from them I got some beautiful gifts. The next day, I cleaned my house with a fury, scrubbing the corners with joy, because I was so grateful to have such a beautiful home. The family (who remains nameless here because they deserve their privacy) is beautiful: kind, loving, and full of humor. Their interactions within the family were full of love and smiles, and they were so gracious towards myself and the other volunteers. In their position, I'd like to believe that I could be so courageous and generous in spirit, but I fear that I have a lot to learn. They reminded me of my own fortune, but they also reminded me how much they had to give. I walked away from them with so much on my mind, and I'm certain that I'm a better person NOT for helping them but for simply spending some time with them. They gave me much, much, much more than they took. I am grateful for this opportunity, and look forward to doing it again.
I'm struggling with weight and fatigue, and find this frustrating. My joints are particularly achy in the mornings again, and I fear that the AIs are up to their old tricks. I still have 2.5 years left of taking Aromasin (I'm halfway done) and I'm determined to take every single pill in that time, but it's a challenge because of those aches. I am also suffering some memory issues. Please forgive me if I repeat myself, get lost in a sentence, ask the same question three times.....I am struggling with this again right now and it's scary to me. Apparently chemobrain never goes away for some people....maybe I'm one of them.
In better news, I will soon begin working on the book history of Hunts Point, and I'm excited to get going with it. Once Tessa is in school I will be able to dedicate some real time to that, and it will be something to look forward to. (In the meantime, I'm completely freaking out that my little girl won't be with me all day every day....I know I said I wanted some time to myself but oh my gosh I'm going to miss her!)
I am WAY behind on email, with hundreds of messages in my inbox (mostly junk, but some real stuff in there too) and I'm so sorry if I've been ignoring you. Not intentional!
All my love and well wishes to everyone....and I'll be back online soon enough. I guess it's good to take a little break, too.....
xoxo
Kristina
Seriously, though, I just haven't had access to the computer very much during the day, and I have been spectacularly tired at night and unable to stay up late when I could get online. I've often been going to bed at 8:30pm - how crazy is that? It's 7pm and I'm yawning as I type (truthfully). I am concerned that my thyroid meds are off (they go "off" pretty routinely) and as usual I just chalk up my fatigue to the endless surgery, chemo, blah blah blah. I don't like it but it is what it is, and I have such doctor fatigue that I haven't even gone back to the dentist to get fillings. (I know. That's ridiculous, foolish, and maybe dangerous. I'll do it. Soon. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.)
Ryan is hard at work on the job hunt; he is putting a lot of energy into it and I believe that it is certain to yield excellent results because of that hard work.
I'm hard at work at therapy; I really like the woman I see. I've got some work in front of me to get through my issues....but what else is new?!
Tomorrow morning we are going camping with the PEPS group, and I'm really excited to spend time with friends in the woods. Tessa is particularly ecstatic that Anna will be there, and is even hoping for a tent sleepover. :-) I do not enjoy packing for camping (I'm looking at the pile in our living room right now, wondering how on earth it will fit in our car, and wondering what I've forgotten) but by this time tomorrow I should be sitting around a campfire, glass of wine in hand, smiling at the smudge of dirt on Tessa's face and feeling content. (We'll be back Sunday, FYI.)
I'm just going along, trying not to think too hard about the deep stuff so that I can enjoy the summer. Summer picnics at the local beaches, hiking (Tessa can do about 5 miles now and that is thrilling to me), walking to do our errands, drinking coffee in the mornings, being outside in our yard as much as possible.
I'm still working hard at being green, and have much to report, but not the energy to do it. I'm getting my cleaning products figured out, buying less, shopping for food more wisely (more local stuff, less packaging, and figuring out how to make those things reality). I am not 100% successful and I have to remind myself not to judge my own shortcomings too harshly, because I'm doing so much in the right direction, and about 500% more than I was a year ago, and it must be enough. I keep pushing myself to do more, to figure out more, but I can not conquer it all at one time, and need to take bite sized pieces.
I participated in Family Promise (a traveling homeless shelter) this week, and the rewards were mine. I do not know what the family got from me, but from them I got some beautiful gifts. The next day, I cleaned my house with a fury, scrubbing the corners with joy, because I was so grateful to have such a beautiful home. The family (who remains nameless here because they deserve their privacy) is beautiful: kind, loving, and full of humor. Their interactions within the family were full of love and smiles, and they were so gracious towards myself and the other volunteers. In their position, I'd like to believe that I could be so courageous and generous in spirit, but I fear that I have a lot to learn. They reminded me of my own fortune, but they also reminded me how much they had to give. I walked away from them with so much on my mind, and I'm certain that I'm a better person NOT for helping them but for simply spending some time with them. They gave me much, much, much more than they took. I am grateful for this opportunity, and look forward to doing it again.
I'm struggling with weight and fatigue, and find this frustrating. My joints are particularly achy in the mornings again, and I fear that the AIs are up to their old tricks. I still have 2.5 years left of taking Aromasin (I'm halfway done) and I'm determined to take every single pill in that time, but it's a challenge because of those aches. I am also suffering some memory issues. Please forgive me if I repeat myself, get lost in a sentence, ask the same question three times.....I am struggling with this again right now and it's scary to me. Apparently chemobrain never goes away for some people....maybe I'm one of them.
In better news, I will soon begin working on the book history of Hunts Point, and I'm excited to get going with it. Once Tessa is in school I will be able to dedicate some real time to that, and it will be something to look forward to. (In the meantime, I'm completely freaking out that my little girl won't be with me all day every day....I know I said I wanted some time to myself but oh my gosh I'm going to miss her!)
I am WAY behind on email, with hundreds of messages in my inbox (mostly junk, but some real stuff in there too) and I'm so sorry if I've been ignoring you. Not intentional!
All my love and well wishes to everyone....and I'll be back online soon enough. I guess it's good to take a little break, too.....
xoxo
Kristina
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Brief Update
My time on the computer is somewhat limited right now because Ryan needs the computer for his job search, so I'm not updating as much as usual. In some ways, this is a good thing, because I'm being more present in my other activities and not checking email as often, etc.
I am highly focused right now on the issue of being present in my life. What I mean by that is that I'm trying to focus on the moment that I'm in, and on doing those activities that mean the most to me, and that bring me the most satisfaction. I'm trying to structure my day so that I don't spend the day with regret ("I should have done X") but rather, if I remember that I'm going to have regret, I just skip that step and do what needs doing. Easier said than done, though, and this is the challenge. I've been reading Pema Chodron's work, and trying to meditate, and do yoga, and to apply these things to my day. It's hard work, but there are small successes along the way and I'm trying to forgive myself my failures.
I'm trying to create a new habit of starting the day with exercise. Ryan and I are taking alternate days (someone always here for Tessa, of course) and I'm getting up at 6am to go for a run/walk. (I wish it was all running but I'm not there yet!) This actually crosses two things off my list: my own exercise, and taking Shep out for exercise as well. Too many days have been spent feeling guilty about one of those things, but I'm trying ot eliminate that guilt. On the alternate days, while Ryan goes for a bike ride, I'm doing one of my exercise videos (balance ball, yoga, Pilates) in the basement, where Tessa can find me if she wakes up.
I've only done this for two days, so it's nowhere near a habit, but it does feel good. My legs ache, but I feel a bit of peace knowing that I've started the day on the right foot.
I'm also trying to get to some housework that had fallen behind....I think that the state of our house was reflecting the state of my mind, which is to say cluttered and confused! Yesterday Beth kindly took Tessa for a couple of hours, and I scrubbed and folded and mopped and such and it was amazing how much of a difference two hours could make. There is more to do - there always is - but I find it immensely satisfying to have some of it done, and to not face the clutter as much today.
A friend of mine is having a book written about their community (details to follow if it becomes a done deal) and has asked me to take a look at it and possibly take over the project. I'm excited by this - not only would it generate some income (always helpful) but it would be a challenging, interesting project. Best of all, they would be okay with me starting in September when Tessa is in school, so I wouldn't need to arrange for childcare. Fingers crossed that it all works out.
The garden is doing well, and continuing to feed us - sugar snap peas in abundance right now, as the strawberries fade out.
And a Tessa update! Tessa is taking a soccer class this summer, meeting once a week, and I'd noticed that she was doing great in all of the drills (attentive, trying hard) but that when they had a scrimmage, she was really holding back....she had her eyes on the ball but she kept to the edges, where she never got close to the ball. We talked about it, and it came down to the fact that "the boys always get the ball." ACK! We had a couple of good pep talks about it, and how she's just as good as any boy, and she can try, because she can do a good job, too. By golly, it worked! Yesterday on the field she had the ball in play quite often....and she got a goal! She was so excited that she jumped up and down and was high-fiving everyone, and I was so proud of her. In this case, it's not about athletic talent at all, it's about trying, and overcoming the mental obstacle of thinking "not good enough." I am so, so happy that she was rewarded for her efforts with the tangible result of the goal, because I can see that in her mind she's moved to a whole new level, and that she has a lot more faith in her abilities now. THAT is what I want. I want her to be confident, and I don't want her to be afraid to try. I could care less if she's an "athlete" (I certainly am not!) but I deeply wish for her to be comfortable with trying (which I am not).
Today Tessa and I are headed to my parents' house to spend the night. We don't usually do that, but today I'm helping my mom with some house projects, and tomorrow my cousins are coming to swim at the pool, and since I'd like to do both but object to spending time in a car (and gas prices....oh my) we're spending the night and doing both days. We're looking forward to the family time with the Dahl clan.
That's all for now. Have a great day, and enjoy this sunny weather.
I am highly focused right now on the issue of being present in my life. What I mean by that is that I'm trying to focus on the moment that I'm in, and on doing those activities that mean the most to me, and that bring me the most satisfaction. I'm trying to structure my day so that I don't spend the day with regret ("I should have done X") but rather, if I remember that I'm going to have regret, I just skip that step and do what needs doing. Easier said than done, though, and this is the challenge. I've been reading Pema Chodron's work, and trying to meditate, and do yoga, and to apply these things to my day. It's hard work, but there are small successes along the way and I'm trying to forgive myself my failures.
I'm trying to create a new habit of starting the day with exercise. Ryan and I are taking alternate days (someone always here for Tessa, of course) and I'm getting up at 6am to go for a run/walk. (I wish it was all running but I'm not there yet!) This actually crosses two things off my list: my own exercise, and taking Shep out for exercise as well. Too many days have been spent feeling guilty about one of those things, but I'm trying ot eliminate that guilt. On the alternate days, while Ryan goes for a bike ride, I'm doing one of my exercise videos (balance ball, yoga, Pilates) in the basement, where Tessa can find me if she wakes up.
I've only done this for two days, so it's nowhere near a habit, but it does feel good. My legs ache, but I feel a bit of peace knowing that I've started the day on the right foot.
I'm also trying to get to some housework that had fallen behind....I think that the state of our house was reflecting the state of my mind, which is to say cluttered and confused! Yesterday Beth kindly took Tessa for a couple of hours, and I scrubbed and folded and mopped and such and it was amazing how much of a difference two hours could make. There is more to do - there always is - but I find it immensely satisfying to have some of it done, and to not face the clutter as much today.
A friend of mine is having a book written about their community (details to follow if it becomes a done deal) and has asked me to take a look at it and possibly take over the project. I'm excited by this - not only would it generate some income (always helpful) but it would be a challenging, interesting project. Best of all, they would be okay with me starting in September when Tessa is in school, so I wouldn't need to arrange for childcare. Fingers crossed that it all works out.
The garden is doing well, and continuing to feed us - sugar snap peas in abundance right now, as the strawberries fade out.
And a Tessa update! Tessa is taking a soccer class this summer, meeting once a week, and I'd noticed that she was doing great in all of the drills (attentive, trying hard) but that when they had a scrimmage, she was really holding back....she had her eyes on the ball but she kept to the edges, where she never got close to the ball. We talked about it, and it came down to the fact that "the boys always get the ball." ACK! We had a couple of good pep talks about it, and how she's just as good as any boy, and she can try, because she can do a good job, too. By golly, it worked! Yesterday on the field she had the ball in play quite often....and she got a goal! She was so excited that she jumped up and down and was high-fiving everyone, and I was so proud of her. In this case, it's not about athletic talent at all, it's about trying, and overcoming the mental obstacle of thinking "not good enough." I am so, so happy that she was rewarded for her efforts with the tangible result of the goal, because I can see that in her mind she's moved to a whole new level, and that she has a lot more faith in her abilities now. THAT is what I want. I want her to be confident, and I don't want her to be afraid to try. I could care less if she's an "athlete" (I certainly am not!) but I deeply wish for her to be comfortable with trying (which I am not).
Today Tessa and I are headed to my parents' house to spend the night. We don't usually do that, but today I'm helping my mom with some house projects, and tomorrow my cousins are coming to swim at the pool, and since I'd like to do both but object to spending time in a car (and gas prices....oh my) we're spending the night and doing both days. We're looking forward to the family time with the Dahl clan.
That's all for now. Have a great day, and enjoy this sunny weather.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Endings and Beginnings
Today is Ryan's last day at Varolii. Our family has very mixed feelings about it, of course, but I am trying to reflect on the fact that this is a new beginning just as much as it is an ending.
When I was first diagnosed, I watched "The Survivor Movie" online, and it deeply touched me. It's a PowerPoint presentation set to music, and it's aimed at cancer patients. One screen in particular really touched me (and always makes me cry): it's a picture of someone being rushed to the ER on a stretcher, and the caption reads something like, "Setbacks are a chance to re-learn the lesson." I think the reason it touched me so much was twofold: one, of course, is that setbacks are scary; more importantly, though, is that (two) setbacks are just a part of the journey. This idea - that it is somehow natural and normal to have setbacks - is comforting to me. It reminds me that a setback is not the end, it's a detour, and that perhaps something is to be gained by it.
Setbacks are still scary. But when I can remember it, they are also filled with possibility. A chance to get things right, to find a new path, to embark on a new journey.
Yesterday, our "setback" was a gift in disguise: when our plans for the day fell through and friends were busy, Tessa and I went to the zoo just the two of us. We did things at our own pace. We saw only the things that appealed to us. We talked, held hands, and laughed together. I was 100% attentive to Tessa, not distracted by one of my own friends, and Tessa in return was a delight to be with. We shared jokes, we shared a cheeseburger, we shared sunblock. Simple, and lovely.
Today will be different for us, but hopefully also a great day. It's the West Seattle Street Fair, and Susan & the boys are coming to play with us. Tessa is dreaming of bouncy houses and face painting, and I'm looking forward to seeing the kids play together and share the excitement. It's always a treat to see Susan, and I'm looking forward to that, too.
Today is a day of quiet contemplation for Ryan, I think. I'm wishing him peace, and hope in the new beginning, even as this chapter ends.
When I was first diagnosed, I watched "The Survivor Movie" online, and it deeply touched me. It's a PowerPoint presentation set to music, and it's aimed at cancer patients. One screen in particular really touched me (and always makes me cry): it's a picture of someone being rushed to the ER on a stretcher, and the caption reads something like, "Setbacks are a chance to re-learn the lesson." I think the reason it touched me so much was twofold: one, of course, is that setbacks are scary; more importantly, though, is that (two) setbacks are just a part of the journey. This idea - that it is somehow natural and normal to have setbacks - is comforting to me. It reminds me that a setback is not the end, it's a detour, and that perhaps something is to be gained by it.
Setbacks are still scary. But when I can remember it, they are also filled with possibility. A chance to get things right, to find a new path, to embark on a new journey.
Yesterday, our "setback" was a gift in disguise: when our plans for the day fell through and friends were busy, Tessa and I went to the zoo just the two of us. We did things at our own pace. We saw only the things that appealed to us. We talked, held hands, and laughed together. I was 100% attentive to Tessa, not distracted by one of my own friends, and Tessa in return was a delight to be with. We shared jokes, we shared a cheeseburger, we shared sunblock. Simple, and lovely.
Today will be different for us, but hopefully also a great day. It's the West Seattle Street Fair, and Susan & the boys are coming to play with us. Tessa is dreaming of bouncy houses and face painting, and I'm looking forward to seeing the kids play together and share the excitement. It's always a treat to see Susan, and I'm looking forward to that, too.
Today is a day of quiet contemplation for Ryan, I think. I'm wishing him peace, and hope in the new beginning, even as this chapter ends.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
One day at a time
Friends are asking, "How are you?" and I think that my honest answer is "Okay. I'm taking it one day at a time."
I do not know what the future holds.
I'm trying to make the most out of today; to do what must be done, and to remember to seek joy.
Today Tessa and I are about to hop on the bus to go to the zoo. Our plans fell through at the last minute (no big deal) and a couple of phone calls didn't find us a playdate, so it will be a Mother-Daughter day. That actually sounds quite nice, and we haven't used our zoo membership in a while. The bus takes us straight there, so we'll be green about it.
I hope that you, too, are doing well. I won't lie and say that I feel fantastic - I don't - but I'm okay.
I do not know what the future holds.
I'm trying to make the most out of today; to do what must be done, and to remember to seek joy.
Today Tessa and I are about to hop on the bus to go to the zoo. Our plans fell through at the last minute (no big deal) and a couple of phone calls didn't find us a playdate, so it will be a Mother-Daughter day. That actually sounds quite nice, and we haven't used our zoo membership in a while. The bus takes us straight there, so we'll be green about it.
I hope that you, too, are doing well. I won't lie and say that I feel fantastic - I don't - but I'm okay.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Fabulous Podcast
I bumped into a link that is a podcast of Barbara Kingsolver talking about her book Animal, Vegetable, Mineral. I've been filing this afternoon (brain dead work) and so I doubled clicked, and I've listened to it for the better part of the last hour. It was an hour well spent.
I owe a debt of gratitude to Barbara Kingsolver; it is because of her that I have a gardent this year. The data that she shared, her stories ("yarns" she calls them) of her garden, and the proposal that she made that an average person could grow a successful garden inspired me to take that leap of faith. Even though our harvests are just starting, it has been an incredibly rewarding experience, and I am interested in all things Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.
I am intrigued by the other podcasts listed on the site, as well. My sweet mother-in-law passed along a Kate Braestrup book and there is an interview with her on the site, as well, and I'll listen to it next.
I am interested in learning about faith from multiple sources; this is a novel one. I will be back often.
http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/podcast/podcasthelp.shtml
(PS It's free. I could listen on my NEW iPod - the hand-me-down from Libby that I am SO grateful to receive - but I've been listening on our laptop since I'm home alone.)
I owe a debt of gratitude to Barbara Kingsolver; it is because of her that I have a gardent this year. The data that she shared, her stories ("yarns" she calls them) of her garden, and the proposal that she made that an average person could grow a successful garden inspired me to take that leap of faith. Even though our harvests are just starting, it has been an incredibly rewarding experience, and I am interested in all things Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.
I am intrigued by the other podcasts listed on the site, as well. My sweet mother-in-law passed along a Kate Braestrup book and there is an interview with her on the site, as well, and I'll listen to it next.
I am interested in learning about faith from multiple sources; this is a novel one. I will be back often.
http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/podcast/podcasthelp.shtml
(PS It's free. I could listen on my NEW iPod - the hand-me-down from Libby that I am SO grateful to receive - but I've been listening on our laptop since I'm home alone.)
More surgery plans
Today I visited the plastic surgeon. We have agreed that in October, he will:
- exchange the expanders out, and put in implants
- remove the attempts to build nipples
- remove the keloid scar on my eye from said attempt
I will go from being a D cup to a B cup in an effort to metaphorically and physically make my breasts a smaller part of my life.
The plastic surgeon is pushing me to have further surgeries (he calls them "procedures" but there is still anesthesia and a knife involved) to remove the rest of the aereola complex (he can only remove part in the next surgery) and to create new nipples.
I can't agree to that right now. All I know is that I will do another surgery in October, and that I will be glad to have it behind me.
It's difficult to go to his office. I want to scream or cry but instead I put on a favorite skirt to boost my confidence and walk in and say politely, "Hello, doctor," and "Have a nice day." He's a nice man (and he's doing a project for Operation Smile, which I respect immensely) and it's not him that is the problem...it's the whole mess that I need to see him for in the first place that makes me crazy.
- exchange the expanders out, and put in implants
- remove the attempts to build nipples
- remove the keloid scar on my eye from said attempt
I will go from being a D cup to a B cup in an effort to metaphorically and physically make my breasts a smaller part of my life.
The plastic surgeon is pushing me to have further surgeries (he calls them "procedures" but there is still anesthesia and a knife involved) to remove the rest of the aereola complex (he can only remove part in the next surgery) and to create new nipples.
I can't agree to that right now. All I know is that I will do another surgery in October, and that I will be glad to have it behind me.
It's difficult to go to his office. I want to scream or cry but instead I put on a favorite skirt to boost my confidence and walk in and say politely, "Hello, doctor," and "Have a nice day." He's a nice man (and he's doing a project for Operation Smile, which I respect immensely) and it's not him that is the problem...it's the whole mess that I need to see him for in the first place that makes me crazy.
Human frailty
Today I am thinking about how everyone -myself included, or perhaps most of all - makes mistakes. I am thinking about how some mistakes are easily corrected with an "oops, I'm sorry!" and how some take years to heal. Most mistakes, of course, fall somewhere in the middle.
I'm thinking about labeling of "good" and "bad" and how we accept, deny, or give these labels. I'm thinking about how few things truly deserve such blanket statements; there are elements of good and bad in just about everything, and certainly in everyone.
I'm thinking about how to correct mistakes, and how to respond to them. I'm thinking about hurt feelings - mine and others' - and how to best address them.
I'm wondering where the line between owning one's own feelings and placing blame or credit on others for those feelings belongs.
Lots of things are provoking these thoughts. I have several people in my life who have marriages in trouble, and who are struggling to do the right thing, and to make the right decision. Ryan and I have certainly used angry words with each other (in addition to loving words, of course), and I wonder how to own, address, recover from those words. I have friends who awe me with their superpowers of kindness, and they remind me that they, too, are frail. I have acquaintances who baffle me with their thoughtlessness, and I struggle not to label them, and to remember that they, too, are merely human.
And myself....I struggle with my own frailty, my own mistakes. I truly, deeply want to be the best person that I can be, and to give more in this world than I take. I want to work hard, I want to relax in the sunshine, and I want to find the balance between the two. I want to be a living example of compassion to others, while not ignoring my own need for compassion. I want to remain true to my convictions, while not forcing them upon others. I want to try to avoid mistakes, especially of the hurtful variety, but forgive myself when I make mistakes. But I also don't want to let myself off the hook for my mistakes, but to work to correct them (which is a form of forgiveness, I think). I neither want to make more, nor less, out of my mistakes than what they really are. And I recognize that my pursuit of compassion is anything but a done deal...I have a lot to learn. More than I thought, even, and I never thought I had it figured out.
Some thoughts from others about human frailty, forgiveness, and compassion:
“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” - The Dalai Lama
"...and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..." - The Lord's Prayer
Yael Naim's song "New Soul" speaks to me, too.
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
(chorus)
See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
I'm thinking about labeling of "good" and "bad" and how we accept, deny, or give these labels. I'm thinking about how few things truly deserve such blanket statements; there are elements of good and bad in just about everything, and certainly in everyone.
I'm thinking about how to correct mistakes, and how to respond to them. I'm thinking about hurt feelings - mine and others' - and how to best address them.
I'm wondering where the line between owning one's own feelings and placing blame or credit on others for those feelings belongs.
Lots of things are provoking these thoughts. I have several people in my life who have marriages in trouble, and who are struggling to do the right thing, and to make the right decision. Ryan and I have certainly used angry words with each other (in addition to loving words, of course), and I wonder how to own, address, recover from those words. I have friends who awe me with their superpowers of kindness, and they remind me that they, too, are frail. I have acquaintances who baffle me with their thoughtlessness, and I struggle not to label them, and to remember that they, too, are merely human.
And myself....I struggle with my own frailty, my own mistakes. I truly, deeply want to be the best person that I can be, and to give more in this world than I take. I want to work hard, I want to relax in the sunshine, and I want to find the balance between the two. I want to be a living example of compassion to others, while not ignoring my own need for compassion. I want to remain true to my convictions, while not forcing them upon others. I want to try to avoid mistakes, especially of the hurtful variety, but forgive myself when I make mistakes. But I also don't want to let myself off the hook for my mistakes, but to work to correct them (which is a form of forgiveness, I think). I neither want to make more, nor less, out of my mistakes than what they really are. And I recognize that my pursuit of compassion is anything but a done deal...I have a lot to learn. More than I thought, even, and I never thought I had it figured out.
Some thoughts from others about human frailty, forgiveness, and compassion:
“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” - The Dalai Lama
"...and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..." - The Lord's Prayer
Yael Naim's song "New Soul" speaks to me, too.
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
(chorus)
See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
Forward Momentum
I have a big list of things to accomplish today while Tessa is with my mom. I'm undermotivated, but this will not be a good excuse....so I'm working on it now.
Off to the races.
Off to the races.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Getting it together
I found PollyAnna hiding in the closet, and dragged her out and demanded her attendance.
I'm okay. I will be okay.
I'm okay. I will be okay.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Sad
I think I'm having another breakdown.
I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
I utterly regret going off Lexapro, and I wish that Dr. Baer hadn't moved.
Ryan's job loss, tension at our house, fears about the future (job and financial and health).... I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything is topsy-turvy, and I don't know which end is up.
I will get through this. I always do, somehow. I just don't know where the well of strength went. I am totally at a loss as to what to do, think, say. I feel "wrong." I feel like an idiot that I thought it would get easier. I feel like a fool.
To top it off, today somebody said something unkind to me. It made me cry, even though I should be angry, but I haven't got it in me to be angry today. Just a small, stupid, petty thing, but it hurt my feelings on a day when I was a bundle of hurt anyway.
It's a bad day.
The breakdown thing is real - I have "racing thoughts" and I'm swirling in a sea of negativity. Ryan was working on his resume and had to come home because I couldn't stop crying in front of Tessa. That kid will be scarred for life if our household keeps up this crap....and that only makes me cry more. Is the second breakdown as bad as the first? Or will my knowledge of the cycle make it better? I feel like a lunatic - nothing good seems possible, nothing seems good, and I trust nothing. I'm waiting for yet another punch to the gut...it seems likely it will come soon.
I'm waiting for the cancer to return. I hear it whispering to me.
I will do what I need to do.
- Call the new therapist number
- Start taking Lexapro once again (and stay on it even when I get "better")
- Meet with Rev. Peg to get some wisdom
- Put on my big girl panties and get over it
Today sucks. This week sucks.
At church today there was a quote, and I'm trying to believe it today.
I don't feel it or believe it, but it is fuel for thought. Today I'm a mess, and a laughing stock. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
I utterly regret going off Lexapro, and I wish that Dr. Baer hadn't moved.
Ryan's job loss, tension at our house, fears about the future (job and financial and health).... I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything is topsy-turvy, and I don't know which end is up.
I will get through this. I always do, somehow. I just don't know where the well of strength went. I am totally at a loss as to what to do, think, say. I feel "wrong." I feel like an idiot that I thought it would get easier. I feel like a fool.
To top it off, today somebody said something unkind to me. It made me cry, even though I should be angry, but I haven't got it in me to be angry today. Just a small, stupid, petty thing, but it hurt my feelings on a day when I was a bundle of hurt anyway.
It's a bad day.
The breakdown thing is real - I have "racing thoughts" and I'm swirling in a sea of negativity. Ryan was working on his resume and had to come home because I couldn't stop crying in front of Tessa. That kid will be scarred for life if our household keeps up this crap....and that only makes me cry more. Is the second breakdown as bad as the first? Or will my knowledge of the cycle make it better? I feel like a lunatic - nothing good seems possible, nothing seems good, and I trust nothing. I'm waiting for yet another punch to the gut...it seems likely it will come soon.
I'm waiting for the cancer to return. I hear it whispering to me.
I will do what I need to do.
- Call the new therapist number
- Start taking Lexapro once again (and stay on it even when I get "better")
- Meet with Rev. Peg to get some wisdom
- Put on my big girl panties and get over it
Today sucks. This week sucks.
At church today there was a quote, and I'm trying to believe it today.
First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win.
-- Ghandi
I don't feel it or believe it, but it is fuel for thought. Today I'm a mess, and a laughing stock. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
A green 4th
Happy 4th of July!
I am blessed to live in a country where I am free to disagree with the administration, where my vote counts (mostly), and where my political or religious views are welcomed, even when they're "different." The U.S.A. has a lot of room for improvement, but today I am grateful to live here, and to reflect on my fortune.
We started the day with a children's parade in the Admiral district, and Tessa woke up SO excited to attend. We decorated her bike with the items we'd picked up for last year's parade (remember? 4th of July 2007 was at Children's Hospital - no parade for us!), including stars, red, white, and blue streamers, and little cloth flags on wooden poles. Tessa added to this by attaching (with Daddy's help) a pony to her helmet, and a stuffed leopard to the cross-bar of her bike. She wore a red shirt with white polka-dots, a denim skirt, and red, white and blue socks. Oh, and two flag lapel pins. The girl looked good. ;-) Tessa threw candy to the spectators (though in this case the parade participants FAR outnumbered the spectators) and she was in heaven. We ran into friends, and that made it all the better.
In the afternoon, we attended C&P's annual 4th of July potluck. (I made an herbed potato salad that was quite delicious, if you ask me, and added radish from our garden - yummmm!)
And here is where I got green.
I thought, "Okay, if we can potluck food" (which I'm all for), why not bring our own dishes, too?"
At first, I thought it sounded too weird. Nobody ever brings their own dishes to a party, ever. But why is that? Maybe it's time to change the paradigm.
The party provided paper plates and plastic cups and utensils....but our family abstained from using them. We used the plastic dishes I purchased when Tessa was a young toddler (knowing that we'd have outdoor events and didn't want to break glass with kids around), and our old silverware (from my first college apartment!). I even grabbed three cloth napkins. And dessert plates.
And you know what? It was easy. It was not weird, it was not inconvenient, and it wasn't messy....it was easy.
I carried the potato salad in my market basket (available at Marshall's for $9.99 or, if you prefer to pay more, at Bed Bath & Beyond for $29.99), and then piled a grocery sack with the utensils and plates etc. When they were dirty, I just stuffed them back in the grocery sack, and when I got home I stuck them straight into the dishwasher. Now how easy is that?
I am blessed to live in a country where I am free to disagree with the administration, where my vote counts (mostly), and where my political or religious views are welcomed, even when they're "different." The U.S.A. has a lot of room for improvement, but today I am grateful to live here, and to reflect on my fortune.
We started the day with a children's parade in the Admiral district, and Tessa woke up SO excited to attend. We decorated her bike with the items we'd picked up for last year's parade (remember? 4th of July 2007 was at Children's Hospital - no parade for us!), including stars, red, white, and blue streamers, and little cloth flags on wooden poles. Tessa added to this by attaching (with Daddy's help) a pony to her helmet, and a stuffed leopard to the cross-bar of her bike. She wore a red shirt with white polka-dots, a denim skirt, and red, white and blue socks. Oh, and two flag lapel pins. The girl looked good. ;-) Tessa threw candy to the spectators (though in this case the parade participants FAR outnumbered the spectators) and she was in heaven. We ran into friends, and that made it all the better.
In the afternoon, we attended C&P's annual 4th of July potluck. (I made an herbed potato salad that was quite delicious, if you ask me, and added radish from our garden - yummmm!)
And here is where I got green.
I thought, "Okay, if we can potluck food" (which I'm all for), why not bring our own dishes, too?"
At first, I thought it sounded too weird. Nobody ever brings their own dishes to a party, ever. But why is that? Maybe it's time to change the paradigm.
The party provided paper plates and plastic cups and utensils....but our family abstained from using them. We used the plastic dishes I purchased when Tessa was a young toddler (knowing that we'd have outdoor events and didn't want to break glass with kids around), and our old silverware (from my first college apartment!). I even grabbed three cloth napkins. And dessert plates.
And you know what? It was easy. It was not weird, it was not inconvenient, and it wasn't messy....it was easy.
I carried the potato salad in my market basket (available at Marshall's for $9.99 or, if you prefer to pay more, at Bed Bath & Beyond for $29.99), and then piled a grocery sack with the utensils and plates etc. When they were dirty, I just stuffed them back in the grocery sack, and when I got home I stuck them straight into the dishwasher. Now how easy is that?
While others tried to balance their plates without tipping them into their laps as the plates folded and leaked, we had nice sturdy plates. Cute, too. ;-)
(Here's a picture of our plasticware on our dining room table. Thank you to Heather for the beautiful tablecloth, which isn't at all a part of this post but bears a mention anyway!)So, here's a green suggestion: avoid the disposable stuff. Grab what dishes you already have at home (don't you have some portable stuff lurking in some cupboard?), throw them in a basket, and head to the party. It'll catch on. If I do it, then you do it, then someone else.....it'll be the hot new thing.
Happy 4th! I hope that you, too, had a fabulous day.
Love,
Kristina
PS We were going to bike to Alki to see the fireworks, but after our really busy day we're just not up for it! Tessa THINKS she wants to go, but given how late it is, I suspect she'll be sawing logs when the first one goes off.
PPS According to the numbers on our plasticware, we shouldn't have any BPA in these plastic dishes. I'm still looking for alternatives to plastic dishware, but haven't been able to give up our BBQ stuff because if the alternative is filling landfills with disposable stuff and releasing further toxins into the air to produce more and using up more natural resources on something that just gets thrown away....I can't do it. I'm also not going to carry ceramic, heavy, breakable, expensive dishware outside. I recognize that plastic is NOT my goal, but I'm a bit stuck at the moment, and though we got rid of Tupperware stuff and Saran wrap and don't miss it, this stuff stayed around. I'm hunting down enamalware (you know, the blue/white speckled camping dishes) to use for both camping and picnics, but it may take a while. Plus, we have 20ish plates for BBQs and I don't wnat to put out the cash for more right now.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Project of the day
I feel crummy, and unmotivated, and slow. But I still accomplished something out of the ordinary - I put up curtains in our bedroom.
Why? Because streetlight light and early-morning light is waking us up and interfering with our sleep; because it's a very energy efficient thing to do and should keep our room cooler or hotter depending on the season and lower our energy bills; and finally because there are some provocative studies about women who have light exposure at night being more prone to breast cancer and I have been saying for three years that for that reason alone I was going to do this. The "it looks cool" factor is in there somewhere too, but the other reasons are the real reason I went ahead with this project.
The curtains I chose at Bed Bath & Beyond (after a lot of searching at multiple stores) were labeled "green earth" or something like that, indicating how they were made and that they were an energy efficient variety; they are supposed to cut heating/cooling costs significantly. We will find otu if it's true. I got a double rod and hung white cotton sheers (my favorite were actually, surprisingly, from Target) because then during the day I can let light in but people coming up our front steps will no longer have a direct view into our bedroom.
I actually didn't remove the ugly mini-blinds that are mounted inside the window frames yet. They do deflect some light/keep some heat in, so on the hottest/coldest days I might put them down as well, but since they're so ugly I am glad to have them hidden from sight.
I'm going for a beachy-feel in our room. A year or two ago (I don't remember now...before one of my surgeries...hmmm....) I painted our room a calm, peaceful blue (it's called "Titanic" which is about the worst color name in history, so I renamed it "calm ocean blue" and I'm sticking with it); we have white woodwork throughout the house; our furniture is dark oak (mission style to go with the house's 1920s feel); our bedding is blue and white. Pics show all!
So we have ocean walls, sky bedding, driftwood furniture (okay that's a stretch....wood, anyway) and sand curtains. It's not a theme room, but beach inspired. I have a couple of seashells on my dresser, but mostly it's just a color scheme.
And I like it!
PS The reason the window behind our bed only has the sheer white cotton curtain is that I thought I could get away with only one sand colored blackout curtain on each window. Putting it up showed me my error - it looked sad and wimpy with just one. Two is much better, but now I have to buy two more for the other window.
Ugh
I have a sore throat, an occassional cough, a headache, and a general malaise. Tessa is with Katie and I'm trying to get things done but I feel awful. :-(
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