First Day of Kindergarten

The long anticipated day has finally arrived, and as I type this, Tessa is sitting in Ms. Coghill's class at Alki. She was filled with excitement for the day, waking up early and thrilled with the prospect of a day at school.

I made a massive breakfast of Tessa's choice: sausage and bacon, scrambled eggs with cheese, mango and strawberries. Tessa chose her own outfit - a new school dress - and hairstyle. We have chosen to take the bus as much as possible, riding Metro each day together. Most days I will take Shep with me, and tie him up while I drop Tessa off, and then I'll run/walk home with him for a workout for each of us. For pick-up I think I'll drive more often because it takes a bit to get home if I Metro it, but most mornings (maybe all!) I will take Tessa on the bus.

(Tessa can't ride the yellow bus because of administrivia; we don't qualify for transportation on the school bus to Alki. No matter; I like the chance to talk with her on the way in.)

Pictures tell the story -

Tessa with a backpack on (it's as big as she is, despite the "ergonomic fit"!) at our front door, dressed for school; On the bus with Mama and Daddy; with the bus driver (Scott - super friendly Metro driver); in front of her pink locker with her name on it (and she's sharing a locker with Benjamin); on the playground with Anna; walking in line to the classroom from outdoors; sitting at her desk; a broad view of her classroom (you can see that Jessie sits in the same row, a few seats away).

When the settling in was done, and the parents were encouraged to leave - already? - I asked Tessa if she was ready for me to go or if I should stay a little. She said, "I'm ready for you to go," in a very matter of fact voice, and with a smile. I felt a tiny bit heartbroken, but so proud of her in that moment. She is, indeed, ready for kindergarten on her own, and she is going to do GREAT.

And me? I need to start working on MY new life, with a child in school full time. Lots to think about on that front.

Exhausted and sad

I don't know if it's because I was gone from home for so long and I'm so far behind, or if it's all of the changes and stresses in our lives catching up to me, but I'm feeling really overwhelmed and pessimistic right now.

I want to be an optimist. I'm trying to use the language of optimism on myself. I'm trying to meditate. I'm trying to take action to fix those things that seem broken, in my home, myself, my relationships.

I'm just exhausted and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Ugh.

I'll get over it. I always do, don't I? I'm faking it pretty well. But at the end of the day, I just feel sad.

Back to the therapist.

...and home AGAIN!

So Tessa, Ryan and I got home from the coast late Friday. We spent Saturday at home (I don't even know how many loads of laundry I did) and had our wonderful neighbors Sarah & Steven over for dinner and catch-up in the evening. Then, at 11am on Sunday, Tessa and I were out the door again, this time for a night with the Landahls at the Grand Wolf Lodge. The Lodge is a water park with slides, pools, and more activities than I could possibly name, with themed rooms (ours was a cabin; the kids had a "real" cabin in the middle of the room to sleep in, with painted murals and bunk beds). We had so much fun with Susan, Jackson, and Carter....but I haven't been away from home for this long in YEARS and I am really glad to be back.

The house needs a good scrub (when Susan dropped us off tonight and came in for take-out dinner, her d0g allergies kicked in big time), the laundry isn't all done, and I have more projects awaiting me than I can count.

Tonight I hope to sleep well, and long.

Love,
Kristina

PS At least a dozen messages on my machine and countless emails - I am so far behind I don't know how to catch up but tomorrow I'll try. I haven't even heard my voicemail yet.

Back at home

We arrived home last night, tired and sandy, glad to see home again. Mozart was glad to see us, and we're glad to sleep in our own beds. The beach was wonderful, and it would be hard to leave if we didn't have our own beaches at home, but as it was we were both sad and glad to leave. There is truly no place like home.

And now it's the craziness of catch-up. Weeks worth of mail, laundry, un-done gardening, and the like. Off to the races!

The perfect sand castle

This post is to remind me that today Tessa and I created the perfect sandcastle.

Just a bucket, a shovel, one perfect mound. A little moat, a little stick drawbridge, and sand dollar decorations. Not special to the outsider, but perfect to us.

No pictures as the camera is out of batteries, but I dont' want to forget the moment.

Mini update from Cannon Beach

Ryan is on a bike ride, and Tessa and I are almost ready to take Shep for a romp on the sand. We'll bring sand toys, and be prepared to get damp, so that Tessa can explore the tide pools.....ahhhhhh.



Further news from Ryan's new employer has him starting perhaps Sept. 8; the signature chain from managers is going well but SLOWLY. The company has new employees do an orientation in DC upon starting, and since the orientation is only offered on Mondays and Sept. 1 is a holiday, his start date gets bumped further. That's okay; it gives our family time to get some projects done, and Ryan can be there for Tessa's first day of kindergarten.

Off to our vacation. Sending our love to everyone!

Cannon Beach & Happiness

Ahhhhhh. This is the good life.

We are at the Surfsand Resort at Cannon Beach - a sister property of the Stephanie Inn, where we got engaged and also got married. We got an incredible deal thanks to a little negotiating with a willing reservations agent :-) and we are staying for four nights - hurrah! Our room has a fireplace, a giant tub, a walk in shower, flat screen TVs, and a full bar with kitchen essentials like mini-fridge and microwave. When we arrived, they gave Tessa a sand bucket and signed her up for the kids club; they delivered her cookies at bedtime. When we got to our room, there was a pet package (yes, Shep is with us, as this hotel has some pet friendly rooms) and there was a dog bed, bowls, dog towels, etc. all waiting for us.

Right now, I hear the roar of the surf outside our door. We only get the beachfront room for one night, and the next few nights we get a view of the parking lot, but I don't care! We're at Cannon Beach and loving it.

We went on the beach tonight, and Shep ran and raced in circles, and we all joined him. Ahhhhh.

And we're celebrating, too, because we got the information about the benefits package, and it looks great....including four weeks of vacation plus sick time plus holidays. This is just what we'd hoped for! We still don't have the formal offer because it's going through the signature process but everything is moving ahead smoothly, albeit slowly, and the recruiter isn't at all concerned so we're not, either. Instead, we're enjoying beach time.

We'll post more information about the company etc when we've signed the offer, but we're excited. And we can't wait to have Sue & Phil over to celebrate, as Phil helped Ryan to find this opportunity.

Signing out - off to relax. See you later!

Taking a break, getting a break....

I write to you from my parents' laptop, sitting in their motorcoach at a resort in Newport, OR. The fog is thick today, but I don't care....a cup of coffee in hand, I'm blogging here before writing in my journal a bit. Tessa, Grammy and Grandpa are at the pool, where I have already spent many happy hours this trip. (News flash: Tessa swam the length of the pool! She's turning into a fish.)

And I have an update....
Ryan has received a good job offer! I won't share all of the details just yet because the offer is verbal and we're waiting to see the whole offer in writing, but we feel very positive and optimistic about it. Stay tuned for more details, but it looks like Ryan would start on the 25th. Hurrah! If it works out (and we do think it will), Ryan will meet Tessa and I in Portland on Sunday, spend some time visiting with his folks, and then spend a couple of days at Cannon Beach, which is one of our family's favorite places (Orcas Island, Cannon Beach, and West Seattle are our top three, I think) so we can play as a family before he begins the next adventure.

Tessa and I are having a great time with my family; my parents have been spoiling us by taking us to resturants, getting Tessa ice cream cones, going on a whale watching cruise (yes, we saw whales - love it!), and of course hours of beach time and pool time. I flew a kite yesterday (Tessa was uninterested, so I realized it was what *I* wanted to do, and we brought the kite we purchased two years ago in Cannon Beach), I've gone for runs on the beach, we've watched seal pups on the beach and sea lions on the docks, we've gone to the aquarium, we've climbed the Yaquina Point Lighthouse, and we've seen more shore birds than I can count. Tessa was feeling a bit homesick yesterday, missing Daddy but also her friend Anna, but just in time another girl her age came to the pool and the two of them played for a couple of hours yesterday. The other girl is from North Dakota, and she and Tessa have vowed to be penpals....so cute.

More from me another time, but now I feel a need to write in my journal. Ahhh, the good life! I hope that you are well, and that you, too, have relaxation in your near future.

Summer half gone

...and half still before us.

The days continue to fly by. I am holding tight to my little pre-kindergartener, fully aware that the fall brings change to more than the leaves. I watch her cavort on the beach at Alki, her slim body covered only by a bright swimsuit, her hair dripping wet, as she invents games with logs and buckets of water, and I'm overwhelmed by the loveliness of it all. I am grateful that she runs to me, smiling but shivering, and wants to be held close to me in the warmth of the soft towel while she warms up. I know that as soon as the goosebumps flatten she'll be off again, but in that moment she is a part of me, and of my body, as I hold her close and wrap my arms around her.

Kindergarten is more of a beginning than an end, I think, but it's like those days on the beach. Not that long ago, I had to remain six inches from Tessa when she was near the water, for fear that she'd fall, or find fear in a small wave, or wander off....and now she's grown so independent, not needing me or wanting me in her game. I hold tight to the idea that she still runs to me when she's cold, or hungry, and that she still welcomes my arms around her when she scrapes her toe. She still wants to share her victories with me ("Mama, did you see how big that log was? I lifted it all by myself! Did you see? Did you?"), and with luck and love this will never change. She will go farther and farther away, and I will wonder at this beautiful girl who has replaced my mewing baby....but she will always be my baby.

Ahhhh, sentimental drivel, but it's MY sentimental drivel. I am glad to be able to reflect on these changing days.

Tomorrow Tessa and I will head off in my parents motorhome for a vacation to the Oregon Coast. I'll revel in the warmth of my parents' love and care, and we'll have a great time playing on the Newport beaches. I'm looking forward to sunny days with few responsibilities.

Ryan will stay home to tend the castle, and to work on his job search. He's moved to the third interviews with one company, with applications in at others, and we are hopeful for the right opportunity(s). Transitions are not easy, and this isn't an easy time, but I hold out for the belief that things will be even better than they were before. I don't believe in a master plan, but I do believe that we can learn and grow and create something wonderful. I hold that hope close to my heart.

Last night I went to the WSUUC religious education committee meeting, and I felt so honored to be in the company of such wonderful women. Their depth, commitment, and spirituality, combined with humor and twinkly eyes make me want to be a part of thier group, and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I am still struggling, still uncertain of so many parts of my path, still hurt by various injustices and confusions and struggles in my life. But I do not forget the gratitude, and this helps to keep me sane.

I will not be on email at all until at least Wednesday, but I will have my cell phone with me if you need to reach me. Until then!

Remember me?!

I used to blog daily. Remember me?

Seriously, though, I just haven't had access to the computer very much during the day, and I have been spectacularly tired at night and unable to stay up late when I could get online. I've often been going to bed at 8:30pm - how crazy is that? It's 7pm and I'm yawning as I type (truthfully). I am concerned that my thyroid meds are off (they go "off" pretty routinely) and as usual I just chalk up my fatigue to the endless surgery, chemo, blah blah blah. I don't like it but it is what it is, and I have such doctor fatigue that I haven't even gone back to the dentist to get fillings. (I know. That's ridiculous, foolish, and maybe dangerous. I'll do it. Soon. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.)

Ryan is hard at work on the job hunt; he is putting a lot of energy into it and I believe that it is certain to yield excellent results because of that hard work.

I'm hard at work at therapy; I really like the woman I see. I've got some work in front of me to get through my issues....but what else is new?!

Tomorrow morning we are going camping with the PEPS group, and I'm really excited to spend time with friends in the woods. Tessa is particularly ecstatic that Anna will be there, and is even hoping for a tent sleepover. :-) I do not enjoy packing for camping (I'm looking at the pile in our living room right now, wondering how on earth it will fit in our car, and wondering what I've forgotten) but by this time tomorrow I should be sitting around a campfire, glass of wine in hand, smiling at the smudge of dirt on Tessa's face and feeling content. (We'll be back Sunday, FYI.)

I'm just going along, trying not to think too hard about the deep stuff so that I can enjoy the summer. Summer picnics at the local beaches, hiking (Tessa can do about 5 miles now and that is thrilling to me), walking to do our errands, drinking coffee in the mornings, being outside in our yard as much as possible.

I'm still working hard at being green, and have much to report, but not the energy to do it. I'm getting my cleaning products figured out, buying less, shopping for food more wisely (more local stuff, less packaging, and figuring out how to make those things reality). I am not 100% successful and I have to remind myself not to judge my own shortcomings too harshly, because I'm doing so much in the right direction, and about 500% more than I was a year ago, and it must be enough. I keep pushing myself to do more, to figure out more, but I can not conquer it all at one time, and need to take bite sized pieces.

I participated in Family Promise (a traveling homeless shelter) this week, and the rewards were mine. I do not know what the family got from me, but from them I got some beautiful gifts. The next day, I cleaned my house with a fury, scrubbing the corners with joy, because I was so grateful to have such a beautiful home. The family (who remains nameless here because they deserve their privacy) is beautiful: kind, loving, and full of humor. Their interactions within the family were full of love and smiles, and they were so gracious towards myself and the other volunteers. In their position, I'd like to believe that I could be so courageous and generous in spirit, but I fear that I have a lot to learn. They reminded me of my own fortune, but they also reminded me how much they had to give. I walked away from them with so much on my mind, and I'm certain that I'm a better person NOT for helping them but for simply spending some time with them. They gave me much, much, much more than they took. I am grateful for this opportunity, and look forward to doing it again.

I'm struggling with weight and fatigue, and find this frustrating. My joints are particularly achy in the mornings again, and I fear that the AIs are up to their old tricks. I still have 2.5 years left of taking Aromasin (I'm halfway done) and I'm determined to take every single pill in that time, but it's a challenge because of those aches. I am also suffering some memory issues. Please forgive me if I repeat myself, get lost in a sentence, ask the same question three times.....I am struggling with this again right now and it's scary to me. Apparently chemobrain never goes away for some people....maybe I'm one of them.

In better news, I will soon begin working on the book history of Hunts Point, and I'm excited to get going with it. Once Tessa is in school I will be able to dedicate some real time to that, and it will be something to look forward to. (In the meantime, I'm completely freaking out that my little girl won't be with me all day every day....I know I said I wanted some time to myself but oh my gosh I'm going to miss her!)

I am WAY behind on email, with hundreds of messages in my inbox (mostly junk, but some real stuff in there too) and I'm so sorry if I've been ignoring you. Not intentional!

All my love and well wishes to everyone....and I'll be back online soon enough. I guess it's good to take a little break, too.....

xoxo
Kristina

Brief Update

My time on the computer is somewhat limited right now because Ryan needs the computer for his job search, so I'm not updating as much as usual. In some ways, this is a good thing, because I'm being more present in my other activities and not checking email as often, etc.

I am highly focused right now on the issue of being present in my life. What I mean by that is that I'm trying to focus on the moment that I'm in, and on doing those activities that mean the most to me, and that bring me the most satisfaction. I'm trying to structure my day so that I don't spend the day with regret ("I should have done X") but rather, if I remember that I'm going to have regret, I just skip that step and do what needs doing. Easier said than done, though, and this is the challenge. I've been reading Pema Chodron's work, and trying to meditate, and do yoga, and to apply these things to my day. It's hard work, but there are small successes along the way and I'm trying to forgive myself my failures.

I'm trying to create a new habit of starting the day with exercise. Ryan and I are taking alternate days (someone always here for Tessa, of course) and I'm getting up at 6am to go for a run/walk. (I wish it was all running but I'm not there yet!) This actually crosses two things off my list: my own exercise, and taking Shep out for exercise as well. Too many days have been spent feeling guilty about one of those things, but I'm trying ot eliminate that guilt. On the alternate days, while Ryan goes for a bike ride, I'm doing one of my exercise videos (balance ball, yoga, Pilates) in the basement, where Tessa can find me if she wakes up.

I've only done this for two days, so it's nowhere near a habit, but it does feel good. My legs ache, but I feel a bit of peace knowing that I've started the day on the right foot.

I'm also trying to get to some housework that had fallen behind....I think that the state of our house was reflecting the state of my mind, which is to say cluttered and confused! Yesterday Beth kindly took Tessa for a couple of hours, and I scrubbed and folded and mopped and such and it was amazing how much of a difference two hours could make. There is more to do - there always is - but I find it immensely satisfying to have some of it done, and to not face the clutter as much today.

A friend of mine is having a book written about their community (details to follow if it becomes a done deal) and has asked me to take a look at it and possibly take over the project. I'm excited by this - not only would it generate some income (always helpful) but it would be a challenging, interesting project. Best of all, they would be okay with me starting in September when Tessa is in school, so I wouldn't need to arrange for childcare. Fingers crossed that it all works out.

The garden is doing well, and continuing to feed us - sugar snap peas in abundance right now, as the strawberries fade out.

And a Tessa update! Tessa is taking a soccer class this summer, meeting once a week, and I'd noticed that she was doing great in all of the drills (attentive, trying hard) but that when they had a scrimmage, she was really holding back....she had her eyes on the ball but she kept to the edges, where she never got close to the ball. We talked about it, and it came down to the fact that "the boys always get the ball." ACK! We had a couple of good pep talks about it, and how she's just as good as any boy, and she can try, because she can do a good job, too. By golly, it worked! Yesterday on the field she had the ball in play quite often....and she got a goal! She was so excited that she jumped up and down and was high-fiving everyone, and I was so proud of her. In this case, it's not about athletic talent at all, it's about trying, and overcoming the mental obstacle of thinking "not good enough." I am so, so happy that she was rewarded for her efforts with the tangible result of the goal, because I can see that in her mind she's moved to a whole new level, and that she has a lot more faith in her abilities now. THAT is what I want. I want her to be confident, and I don't want her to be afraid to try. I could care less if she's an "athlete" (I certainly am not!) but I deeply wish for her to be comfortable with trying (which I am not).

Today Tessa and I are headed to my parents' house to spend the night. We don't usually do that, but today I'm helping my mom with some house projects, and tomorrow my cousins are coming to swim at the pool, and since I'd like to do both but object to spending time in a car (and gas prices....oh my) we're spending the night and doing both days. We're looking forward to the family time with the Dahl clan.

That's all for now. Have a great day, and enjoy this sunny weather.

Beauty Meets Beauty

Endings and Beginnings

Today is Ryan's last day at Varolii. Our family has very mixed feelings about it, of course, but I am trying to reflect on the fact that this is a new beginning just as much as it is an ending.

When I was first diagnosed, I watched "The Survivor Movie" online, and it deeply touched me. It's a PowerPoint presentation set to music, and it's aimed at cancer patients. One screen in particular really touched me (and always makes me cry): it's a picture of someone being rushed to the ER on a stretcher, and the caption reads something like, "Setbacks are a chance to re-learn the lesson." I think the reason it touched me so much was twofold: one, of course, is that setbacks are scary; more importantly, though, is that (two) setbacks are just a part of the journey. This idea - that it is somehow natural and normal to have setbacks - is comforting to me. It reminds me that a setback is not the end, it's a detour, and that perhaps something is to be gained by it.

Setbacks are still scary. But when I can remember it, they are also filled with possibility. A chance to get things right, to find a new path, to embark on a new journey.

Yesterday, our "setback" was a gift in disguise: when our plans for the day fell through and friends were busy, Tessa and I went to the zoo just the two of us. We did things at our own pace. We saw only the things that appealed to us. We talked, held hands, and laughed together. I was 100% attentive to Tessa, not distracted by one of my own friends, and Tessa in return was a delight to be with. We shared jokes, we shared a cheeseburger, we shared sunblock. Simple, and lovely.

Today will be different for us, but hopefully also a great day. It's the West Seattle Street Fair, and Susan & the boys are coming to play with us. Tessa is dreaming of bouncy houses and face painting, and I'm looking forward to seeing the kids play together and share the excitement. It's always a treat to see Susan, and I'm looking forward to that, too.

Today is a day of quiet contemplation for Ryan, I think. I'm wishing him peace, and hope in the new beginning, even as this chapter ends.

One day at a time

Friends are asking, "How are you?" and I think that my honest answer is "Okay. I'm taking it one day at a time."

I do not know what the future holds.

I'm trying to make the most out of today; to do what must be done, and to remember to seek joy.

Today Tessa and I are about to hop on the bus to go to the zoo. Our plans fell through at the last minute (no big deal) and a couple of phone calls didn't find us a playdate, so it will be a Mother-Daughter day. That actually sounds quite nice, and we haven't used our zoo membership in a while. The bus takes us straight there, so we'll be green about it.

I hope that you, too, are doing well. I won't lie and say that I feel fantastic - I don't - but I'm okay.

Fabulous Podcast

I bumped into a link that is a podcast of Barbara Kingsolver talking about her book Animal, Vegetable, Mineral. I've been filing this afternoon (brain dead work) and so I doubled clicked, and I've listened to it for the better part of the last hour. It was an hour well spent.

I owe a debt of gratitude to Barbara Kingsolver; it is because of her that I have a gardent this year. The data that she shared, her stories ("yarns" she calls them) of her garden, and the proposal that she made that an average person could grow a successful garden inspired me to take that leap of faith. Even though our harvests are just starting, it has been an incredibly rewarding experience, and I am interested in all things Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.

I am intrigued by the other podcasts listed on the site, as well. My sweet mother-in-law passed along a Kate Braestrup book and there is an interview with her on the site, as well, and I'll listen to it next.

I am interested in learning about faith from multiple sources; this is a novel one. I will be back often.

http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/podcast/podcasthelp.shtml

(PS It's free. I could listen on my NEW iPod - the hand-me-down from Libby that I am SO grateful to receive - but I've been listening on our laptop since I'm home alone.)

More surgery plans

Today I visited the plastic surgeon. We have agreed that in October, he will:
- exchange the expanders out, and put in implants
- remove the attempts to build nipples
- remove the keloid scar on my eye from said attempt

I will go from being a D cup to a B cup in an effort to metaphorically and physically make my breasts a smaller part of my life.

The plastic surgeon is pushing me to have further surgeries (he calls them "procedures" but there is still anesthesia and a knife involved) to remove the rest of the aereola complex (he can only remove part in the next surgery) and to create new nipples.

I can't agree to that right now. All I know is that I will do another surgery in October, and that I will be glad to have it behind me.

It's difficult to go to his office. I want to scream or cry but instead I put on a favorite skirt to boost my confidence and walk in and say politely, "Hello, doctor," and "Have a nice day." He's a nice man (and he's doing a project for Operation Smile, which I respect immensely) and it's not him that is the problem...it's the whole mess that I need to see him for in the first place that makes me crazy.

Human frailty

Today I am thinking about how everyone -myself included, or perhaps most of all - makes mistakes. I am thinking about how some mistakes are easily corrected with an "oops, I'm sorry!" and how some take years to heal. Most mistakes, of course, fall somewhere in the middle.

I'm thinking about labeling of "good" and "bad" and how we accept, deny, or give these labels. I'm thinking about how few things truly deserve such blanket statements; there are elements of good and bad in just about everything, and certainly in everyone.

I'm thinking about how to correct mistakes, and how to respond to them. I'm thinking about hurt feelings - mine and others' - and how to best address them.

I'm wondering where the line between owning one's own feelings and placing blame or credit on others for those feelings belongs.

Lots of things are provoking these thoughts. I have several people in my life who have marriages in trouble, and who are struggling to do the right thing, and to make the right decision. Ryan and I have certainly used angry words with each other (in addition to loving words, of course), and I wonder how to own, address, recover from those words. I have friends who awe me with their superpowers of kindness, and they remind me that they, too, are frail. I have acquaintances who baffle me with their thoughtlessness, and I struggle not to label them, and to remember that they, too, are merely human.

And myself....I struggle with my own frailty, my own mistakes. I truly, deeply want to be the best person that I can be, and to give more in this world than I take. I want to work hard, I want to relax in the sunshine, and I want to find the balance between the two. I want to be a living example of compassion to others, while not ignoring my own need for compassion. I want to remain true to my convictions, while not forcing them upon others. I want to try to avoid mistakes, especially of the hurtful variety, but forgive myself when I make mistakes. But I also don't want to let myself off the hook for my mistakes, but to work to correct them (which is a form of forgiveness, I think). I neither want to make more, nor less, out of my mistakes than what they really are. And I recognize that my pursuit of compassion is anything but a done deal...I have a lot to learn. More than I thought, even, and I never thought I had it figured out.

Some thoughts from others about human frailty, forgiveness, and compassion:

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” - The Dalai Lama

"...and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..." - The Lord's Prayer

Yael Naim's song "New Soul" speaks to me, too.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

(chorus)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

Forward Momentum

I have a big list of things to accomplish today while Tessa is with my mom. I'm undermotivated, but this will not be a good excuse....so I'm working on it now.

Off to the races.

Getting it together

I found PollyAnna hiding in the closet, and dragged her out and demanded her attendance.

I'm okay. I will be okay.

Sad

I think I'm having another breakdown.

I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

I utterly regret going off Lexapro, and I wish that Dr. Baer hadn't moved.

Ryan's job loss, tension at our house, fears about the future (job and financial and health).... I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything is topsy-turvy, and I don't know which end is up.

I will get through this. I always do, somehow. I just don't know where the well of strength went. I am totally at a loss as to what to do, think, say. I feel "wrong." I feel like an idiot that I thought it would get easier. I feel like a fool.

To top it off, today somebody said something unkind to me. It made me cry, even though I should be angry, but I haven't got it in me to be angry today. Just a small, stupid, petty thing, but it hurt my feelings on a day when I was a bundle of hurt anyway.

It's a bad day.

The breakdown thing is real - I have "racing thoughts" and I'm swirling in a sea of negativity. Ryan was working on his resume and had to come home because I couldn't stop crying in front of Tessa. That kid will be scarred for life if our household keeps up this crap....and that only makes me cry more. Is the second breakdown as bad as the first? Or will my knowledge of the cycle make it better? I feel like a lunatic - nothing good seems possible, nothing seems good, and I trust nothing. I'm waiting for yet another punch to the gut...it seems likely it will come soon.

I'm waiting for the cancer to return. I hear it whispering to me.

I will do what I need to do.
- Call the new therapist number
- Start taking Lexapro once again (and stay on it even when I get "better")
- Meet with Rev. Peg to get some wisdom
- Put on my big girl panties and get over it

Today sucks. This week sucks.

At church today there was a quote, and I'm trying to believe it today.

First they ignore you.

Then they laugh at you.

Then they fight you.

Then you win.

-- Ghandi

I don't feel it or believe it, but it is fuel for thought. Today I'm a mess, and a laughing stock. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It could be worse

(deleted)

A green 4th

Happy 4th of July!

I am blessed to live in a country where I am free to disagree with the administration, where my vote counts (mostly), and where my political or religious views are welcomed, even when they're "different." The U.S.A. has a lot of room for improvement, but today I am grateful to live here, and to reflect on my fortune.

We started the day with a children's parade in the Admiral district, and Tessa woke up SO excited to attend. We decorated her bike with the items we'd picked up for last year's parade (remember? 4th of July 2007 was at Children's Hospital - no parade for us!), including stars, red, white, and blue streamers, and little cloth flags on wooden poles. Tessa added to this by attaching (with Daddy's help) a pony to her helmet, and a stuffed leopard to the cross-bar of her bike. She wore a red shirt with white polka-dots, a denim skirt, and red, white and blue socks. Oh, and two flag lapel pins. The girl looked good. ;-) Tessa threw candy to the spectators (though in this case the parade participants FAR outnumbered the spectators) and she was in heaven. We ran into friends, and that made it all the better.

In the afternoon, we attended C&P's annual 4th of July potluck. (I made an herbed potato salad that was quite delicious, if you ask me, and added radish from our garden - yummmm!)

And here is where I got green.

I thought, "Okay, if we can potluck food" (which I'm all for), why not bring our own dishes, too?"

At first, I thought it sounded too weird. Nobody ever brings their own dishes to a party, ever. But why is that? Maybe it's time to change the paradigm.

The party provided paper plates and plastic cups and utensils....but our family abstained from using them. We used the plastic dishes I purchased when Tessa was a young toddler (knowing that we'd have outdoor events and didn't want to break glass with kids around), and our old silverware (from my first college apartment!). I even grabbed three cloth napkins. And dessert plates.

And you know what? It was easy. It was not weird, it was not inconvenient, and it wasn't messy....it was easy.

I carried the potato salad in my market basket (available at Marshall's for $9.99 or, if you prefer to pay more, at Bed Bath & Beyond for $29.99), and then piled a grocery sack with the utensils and plates etc. When they were dirty, I just stuffed them back in the grocery sack, and when I got home I stuck them straight into the dishwasher. Now how easy is that?

While others tried to balance their plates without tipping them into their laps as the plates folded and leaked, we had nice sturdy plates. Cute, too. ;-)
(Here's a picture of our plasticware on our dining room table. Thank you to Heather for the beautiful tablecloth, which isn't at all a part of this post but bears a mention anyway!)

So, here's a green suggestion: avoid the disposable stuff. Grab what dishes you already have at home (don't you have some portable stuff lurking in some cupboard?), throw them in a basket, and head to the party. It'll catch on. If I do it, then you do it, then someone else.....it'll be the hot new thing.

Happy 4th! I hope that you, too, had a fabulous day.

Love,
Kristina

PS We were going to bike to Alki to see the fireworks, but after our really busy day we're just not up for it! Tessa THINKS she wants to go, but given how late it is, I suspect she'll be sawing logs when the first one goes off.

PPS According to the numbers on our plasticware, we shouldn't have any BPA in these plastic dishes. I'm still looking for alternatives to plastic dishware, but haven't been able to give up our BBQ stuff because if the alternative is filling landfills with disposable stuff and releasing further toxins into the air to produce more and using up more natural resources on something that just gets thrown away....I can't do it. I'm also not going to carry ceramic, heavy, breakable, expensive dishware outside. I recognize that plastic is NOT my goal, but I'm a bit stuck at the moment, and though we got rid of Tupperware stuff and Saran wrap and don't miss it, this stuff stayed around. I'm hunting down enamalware (you know, the blue/white speckled camping dishes) to use for both camping and picnics, but it may take a while. Plus, we have 20ish plates for BBQs and I don't wnat to put out the cash for more right now.

Project of the day

I feel crummy, and unmotivated, and slow. But I still accomplished something out of the ordinary - I put up curtains in our bedroom.

Why? Because streetlight light and early-morning light is waking us up and interfering with our sleep; because it's a very energy efficient thing to do and should keep our room cooler or hotter depending on the season and lower our energy bills; and finally because there are some provocative studies about women who have light exposure at night being more prone to breast cancer and I have been saying for three years that for that reason alone I was going to do this. The "it looks cool" factor is in there somewhere too, but the other reasons are the real reason I went ahead with this project.

The curtains I chose at Bed Bath & Beyond (after a lot of searching at multiple stores) were labeled "green earth" or something like that, indicating how they were made and that they were an energy efficient variety; they are supposed to cut heating/cooling costs significantly. We will find otu if it's true. I got a double rod and hung white cotton sheers (my favorite were actually, surprisingly, from Target) because then during the day I can let light in but people coming up our front steps will no longer have a direct view into our bedroom.

I actually didn't remove the ugly mini-blinds that are mounted inside the window frames yet. They do deflect some light/keep some heat in, so on the hottest/coldest days I might put them down as well, but since they're so ugly I am glad to have them hidden from sight.

I'm going for a beachy-feel in our room. A year or two ago (I don't remember now...before one of my surgeries...hmmm....) I painted our room a calm, peaceful blue (it's called "Titanic" which is about the worst color name in history, so I renamed it "calm ocean blue" and I'm sticking with it); we have white woodwork throughout the house; our furniture is dark oak (mission style to go with the house's 1920s feel); our bedding is blue and white. Pics show all!

So we have ocean walls, sky bedding, driftwood furniture (okay that's a stretch....wood, anyway) and sand curtains. It's not a theme room, but beach inspired. I have a couple of seashells on my dresser, but mostly it's just a color scheme.

And I like it!

PS The reason the window behind our bed only has the sheer white cotton curtain is that I thought I could get away with only one sand colored blackout curtain on each window. Putting it up showed me my error - it looked sad and wimpy with just one. Two is much better, but now I have to buy two more for the other window.

Ugh

I have a sore throat, an occassional cough, a headache, and a general malaise. Tessa is with Katie and I'm trying to get things done but I feel awful. :-(

Garden Pictures - July 1

Garden pictures!

First, our sugar snap peas. The starts from the nursery are not as lush as the seeds I planted - interesting! However, the starts have pea pods on them but the seed plants still only have flowers.

Next, our radishes. They're an heirloom purple plum radish, and I recommend them highly.


Cabbage:

Swiss chard (love those rainbow stalks):

A cornucopia of lettuce with the chard crowding it (next year I need to space these way farther apart):

One tiny little spinach plant. You can't even see the tiny plants also in the picture...but this little guy is growing at last.

Basil and garlic in the same row (lettuce ont he other side of the row that is so small it's microscopic):

Carrots (three varieties, mixed up at this point: Scarlet Nantes, Romeo, and Dragon)And my favorite - tomatoes! They looked really far apart when I planted them, but now they're crowded and bumping into one another. Oh well - it is what it is.

And my other favorite: strawberries. Also too close to one another - can I transplant them in the fall to spread them out?

Yawn

I went to bed too late last night (I was too hot to get much done during the day yesterday, so I got a lot done in the evening instead) and got up early this morning and I'm wiped. More coffee, please. (Thanks Ryan for brewing a pot.)

I can't bear it when the house is a mess, and yesterday it went into the "ewww I can't deal" category. Now I've got things straightened (bathroom wiped down, laundry folded and put away, beds made, counters cleared, swept, etc.) but I need to do some more serious organization. The paper trail is everywhere, and needs to be dealt with. Maybe that will be tomorrow's project.

I made bread yesterday for the first time in a while. We're going to Woodinville to play in the pool and visit Grammy & Caleb, so we're packing a lunch. PB&J with home made bread and Grandma's jam is something to write home about, not just another sandwich!

My body is sore from the yard work of last evening, but I'm so glad I got it done. I will leave the house today knowing that I have happy plants.

On a totally different note....a moment of silence for my iPod. :-( While we were on Orcas, Tessa inadvertently dumped an entire untouched bowl of broccoli soup into my purse. (Don't ask.) I removed all of the contents (I thought) to put the purse in the wash, but I forgot the hidden pocket that safely stowed my iPod out of harm's way. iPods do not wash well, and it was no surprise to me to find out that it is kaput. This is a major bummer to me - I use my iPod a lot.

Oh well. It could be worse....

Garden - end of June

The garden is flourishing. My garden. Flourishing! I can hardly believe it - me, who has never (successfully) grown much of anything, growing an entire garden. I revel in it! I'm not sure who is more excited about it, Tessa or myself, as my delight has the same childish qualities.

Unlike Tessa, who was playing around and then went to bed, I've spent the last two hours in the cooler evening air gardening. I've been pulling weeds, and I even wrestled a six foot long two inch thick poplar root out of the flower bed (the little poplar trees sprout up everywhere and it is so annoying). There was significant grunting and groaning while I did it, but I didn't give up, and I won the battle with that root. (Never mind that there are many many more.)

The weeds pulled, I can revel in the vegetables and flowers.

The cabbages have developed giant heads - each plant is perhaps 18 inches across with a big head in the middle. The onions feel firm when I give them a gentle tug; their greens are strong and something "big" must be going on under the soil, as they were rather delicate when planted. There are two rows of carrots, with fringy tops about 4 inches high. The pea vines have gone insane, and are in flower with pods appearing all over. The chard is tall and ready for harvest, and no matter how much lettuce we harvest it keeps regenerating and we have salads as often as we wish. (Those are from starts. My lettuce seeds are pitiful at best, tiny to miniscule. What's with that? I thought lettuce was "easy"!) There are two beets, not a whole row, but they look like they're developing well. The spinach is small but finally growing with the extra watering. And the tomatoes are as fragrant as any flower, even though they don't have fruit yet. The tomato plants are much larger than I anticipated, and quite obviously rather happy, and little yellow flowers are appearing here and there. And the strawberries - BLISS! A dozen or so a day, and we eat them straight from the vine, popping them into our mouths. The squash is growing in a couple of different places, and tonight I planted a pumpkin and an acorn squash, because I was tired of my seeds doing nothing.

The garlic looks great, and with our new heat wave (finally!) the basil is perking up significantly. One little patch of parsley has sprouted and looks promising, and some of the cosmos and other flowers are coming up, too. I can't remember what I planted where, so surprises await.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but I worked until it was dark tonight and didn't have the camera in time. I'll get pictures eventually.

I started clearing out the back raised bed of weeds, and I'm wondering if it's too late to plant potatoes....I could still do that.

The herbs are flourishing, except that the cilantro bolted. Do I cut that back and let it go again? Or do I have to start fresh? Today I planted more mint because Tessa likes to munch on it (silly girl) and the one little plant had become decimated - I put it in a pot because I didnt' want it to take over. I didn't have time to shop much so I chose an apple mint and a pineapple mint, but I think I want another "regular" mint and a chocolate mint.

We're giving away the radishes, because they are so plentiful and HUGE! They literally look like beets (they're a "purple plum radish" which is an heirloom variety). They have more than paid for themselves: $2.50 for a packet of seeds, and they keep coming and coming. I planted them in a couple of waves so I think we'll be eating radishes all summer. Anyway, we've been sharing with people because it's fun to do so. Today Tessa's friend Derek was over and we let him pull a couple, and it was so fun to see him light up at the process. I'm not usually a huge fan of radishes, but these are different. When you first bite into them they're sweet, and then the mellow sweetness gets spicy after a moment. Yum - in a salad (and our salad greens are more sweet than bitter) they're an excellent complement.

I'm a gardener. Wow! I can almost hardly wait 'til next year because I've learned so much this year that I can't wait to apply. But no, I don't want to hurry - I'm excited with every small harvest.

And on that note, the laundry that I put off today beckons, and i can't bear to leave it another day, mocking me. So I'm off to do that, then to bed. Good night.

Reusable bags

Here's a posting I just put on CoolMoms:
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My favorite reusable bag

I have fallen in love with Envirosax bags, and thought I'd post about them here in case anyone else is looking for reusable bag options.

www.envirosax.com

Envirosax are nylon (?) bags that fold up really small and are easy to carry in your purse. I have mine in my purse 100% of the time; if I use it, when I get home, it goes straight back into my purse. This is a key thing: my other bags often get forgotten in my car so they're not with me when I need them most! Additionally, I had been finding that I was in good habit for bringing bags to the grocery store, but what about the pharmacy? Target? the hardware store? Funky Jane's? In those cases, I was accepting their bags, because I wasn't willing to carry around my clunky grocery store bags everywhere or get a purse the size of Texas to put things in.

Envirosax work because of their folding size (small) and their volume (large). They're really strong, and I've been using mine for about a month and it doesn't show any wear and tear. I can stuff a ton of stuff in one.

They come in cool colors and patterns, and they have wide straps so that you can carry them over your shoulder without them cutting into your body because of the weight of the contents.

They are starting to be widely available - in West Seattle I've seen them at PCC ($10 each and a wide variety of colors/patterns to choose from), Edie's ($12 or $12.50 each), and Wild Rose Antiques ($12 or $12.50 each). Pharmaca advertised them but they haven't been able to get them in stock yet, but in their opening flier they said they'd sell them for $7.50 each or 5 for $35, if I recall correctly (not sure if they'll honor that special because their grand opening is over; I keep checking to see if they have more but not yet). Capers was carrying them (that's where I got mine) but a lady who works there said they're no longer carrying them because so many other stores have picked them up and they like to carry unique items.

I like them so much I gave them for teacher gifts at the end of the year, and I've been buying them for my girlfriends, too.

As a result of carrying a bag with me 100% of the time, only two plastic bags have entered my house in the past two months.....and I have no idea how many bags entered my house previously, but two a DAY would be more typical. Finding a bag that works for me (and is cute to boot!) was a part of this success, so I'm sharing.

I still have my half dozen Trader Joe's bags for grocery shopping, but I use my Envirosax for all other shopping.

And no, I'm not affilliated with Envirosax in any way, size, shape or form. I'm just a fan!
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Are you wondering why I care about carrying a bag with me? The short version is that one-time-use bags use up precious resources, add to landfills, and put toxins into the environment during their production. Many cities globally are moving to ban plastic bags or to tax plastic bags to discourage people from using them, and I support such a ban. (I'll be attending a public meeting in Seattle on July 8 - want to come? Mayor Nickels is proposing a 20 cent tax on plastic bags, and I support that. San Francisco, Ireland, and China have all done similar things.) Plastic is particularly toxic to the environment, but paper uses resources, too.

Check out these links:

There are THOUSANDS of articles out there, this is just a sampling.

Articles about the banning/taxing of plastic bags:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/318790_trash07.html
http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/0721-04.htm
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/01/09/china.plastic.bags/index.html
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/09/0902_030902_plasticbags.html

Articles about the environmental impact of plastic bags:
http://www.alternet.org/environment/61607/
http://www.enviroliteracy.org/article.php/1268.html
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2007/08/10/plastic_bags/

New York Times articles on the subject of plastic bags:
http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/subjects/w/waste_materials_and_disposal/plastic_bags/index.html?scp=3&sq=plastic%20bags%20environment&st=cse

Fortune

I'm home from Orcas, and feeling fortunate because I had a GREAT time on Orcas, but also because I was really ready to be home. It's nice to have it both ways.

Here are a few pictures from Orcas - expect further updates later but I'm barely home and have lots of catching up to do.

Highlights:

- the frog funeral (details to follow)

- dancing to the oldies

- a great meal prepared by Marisa

- gelato at Enzo's (muliple occassions)

- the summer solstice parade

- hiking with Tessa and Shep around Cascade Lake

- hiking with Tessa, Michele, Elliott and Everett to the beach at Obstruction Pass State Park

- collecting shells on the beach

- drinking wine with Michele at night when the kids were asleep

- hot tubbing

....it was all pretty fabulous, actually. Always good to come home, but it was a great trip. More details to come!