RyKri

New chapter, new book

2010-05-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

I am approaching my Cancerversary. It has been nearly five years since I found that little lump that changed everything; nearly five years since I got the phone call that confirmed that my life (and body) would never be the same.

When I was first diagnosed, five years felt like a magical number, and sort of mythical. How would I make it? I figured, back then, that if I was lucky enough to make five years, I'd certainly have acquired some sage-like wisdom. I thought I'd have it all figured out.

Naive. Very naive.

Five years out, and I'm still learning so much about myself, my body, my life, my feelings, my family, my friends, my world. I have more questions than answers, and I'm not a sage of any variety. I have not become enlightened, I have not learned how to focus only on what's important, I have not learned how to avoid frustration at small things because I have dealt with such large things.

And yet.... I have learned a great deal. How could I not, in five years of intense living? For five years, I've walked on a tightrope, with surgeries and drugs and treatment reminding me, and my body's own problems shouting at me - there had to be some lessons in there, and I hope that I have learned them well. I am nowhere near the top of the mountain, but in my meanderings, I've learned a few things, and I hold those lessons near and dear, hoping that I won't have to relearn them.

I am stronger than I ever knew possible. I am no longer afraid of pain - I don't exactly embrace it, but I know how to deal with it. I know that it passes.

I am blessed with amazing people. My family - birth and chosen - and friends are really the greatest gifts of my life. I hope that I honor them in the way that they have honored me.

I am still social, and have many outgoing qualities, but I am also an introvert. Realizing this is a huge "aha!" moment in my life that explains a lot about me. I treasure my alone time, and I am better learning how to use it. Walks on beaches or in forests, time alone with a book, or working in my Dreamery all fill my soul in a way that a crowd of people could never do. But come and sit with me, just one or two of you, and I'm filled, as well. I need to find balance in this, but knowing what I'm looking for is at least half of that solution.

I am a deeply spiritual person. Finding a faith community has been so important to me, and I'm not sure that it came out of having cancer, but certainly out of becoming a wiser version of myself. Having rituals like candle lighting, or singing of hymns, or listening to wise sermons, fills my soul and reminds me of why I am here.

I need poetry and art in my life.

I always was, and always will be, a nature girl. It is necessary to remember that in order for my survival.

I need to put my hands in the earth and grow things.

I need to live my values, whether that is in parenting, or environment, or creativity. I need to identify what I value, and live it fully. There is no cheating with this - even when the world doesn't notice, I notice it in myself. I'm not talking about being honest or being nice (although those are excellent values that I share), I'm talking deeper. Standing up for what is right, showing compassion to those who do not seem deserving of it. Doing what I love in the way I love even when the world thinks I'm crazy.

Being Ryan's wife is a blessing. We have weathered some seemingly impossibly hard times, and there was a time where I really couldn't see the way out, and my heart was broken in millions of pieces. Together, he and I have gotten wiser as we've gotten older, and we belong together.

Tessa is the greatest gift of my life. My dreamy child, who constantly has dirt under her fingernails, who laughs and cries with ease, who surprises me with both her thoughtfulness and her absentmindedness. My girly girl companion at tea parties, my art museum friend, my seashell finder, my picnic mate, my hiker. We drive each other crazy pretty frequently, but when it comes down to it, she gives me the strength to stay alive when nothing else could. She is a gift, and I don't know how I ever got so lucky that I could become her mother.

I must write.

I am constantly seeking what Thoreau so famously wrote about:

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”

I'm getting better at living. I will not run away to the woods (and I don't think that my mother will volunteer to do my laundry so that I can do so!) like Thoreau, I will take that harder path, and try to live my truth in the middle of a busy world with so many demands in it. I will Live. I will be deliberate. I will find joy, and I will cry when it's time to cry. I will count my blessings daily, and I will not forget to gasp with delight when I find the perfect shell.

I write today from my dreamery, surrounded by seashells and candles and a cup of hot tea and a cat curled up on the chair. My vision board has the word "Happier" in the middle of it, and that is what I am working on. Deep, meaningful happiness, encompassing all that I believe in.

It is a lifelong task, and I hope that I am given a long life to work on it.

And with that, it is time to close this blog. It has been a marvelous tool for my healing, and I am deeply grateful to each of my readers for following me along this crooked path, for cheering me on, for hoping and praying for me, for crying with me, for celebrating with me.

There is no "done" in cancer, but this chapter is closing. I am entering a new phase of my life, and I wish to write "for real" and I wish to spend more time living and less time doing things that I once associated with cancer. Many people keep cancer blogs and then leave them after about a year, and I took five. Perhaps I'm a slow learner, but that's okay. It's on my own time, and I know when the time is right.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

My dreams are beautiful, and I am passionate about living them. I do not know what the future holds, but I am hopeful.

I will see you out there in life, living. Adieu!

Morning stretch

2010-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today, West Seattle is sunny, with a prediction of sun all weekend. Ahhhhhhh.

This morning, our family will do some chores, including re-securing Tessa's beloved swingset with concrete. (She often uses it for an hour a day - what a fabulous investment!) I'm going to see if we still have that old clothesline pole, too, because if we're mixing concrete for the swingset, why not put the pole up and start using it at the same time. It's something I've been meaning to do for ages, anyway. There's nothing like sun and wind dried clothes - especially bedding. They smell fresh and fantastic, and the reduced energy usage makes me happy as well.

And then, we're heading to the beach. I want to share my recent beach experiences with my family, and climbing around on rocks and looking at sea creatures and hunting for seashells is definitely my cup of tea. This is my choice of Mother's Day activities for myself; family time in nature. Tomorrow we'll go to church and to a family barbeque, and both will be wonderful, but I wanted to make sure we got some play time just the three of us as well.

Happy weekend, everyone.

Seashells II

2010-05-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today I went back to the same beach at the same time, but the tide was farther out. I took my time, climbed on the rocks, laughed at some beautiful shorebirds who were creating a ruckus, and continued my quest for the perfect seashell.

Thankfully, once again I did not find what I was looking for, so I will have to go back soon. But I did find a perfect silver dollar sized sand dollar unexpectedly, and a perfect little clam shell just the size of my thumbnail, both halves intact. I also found a corked wine bottle floating at the edge, and so I retrieved it and looked for a note inside, but alas, it was empty. It did make me consider sending a note out to sea myself, though. What would my note say?

This afternoon is chores, chores, and more chores, and I'd rather sleep. But my morning on a beach was just what I needed.

Seashells

2010-05-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am re-reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's "A Gift From the Sea" right now. Actually, I just finished it, and I plan to re-re-read it, because it is speaking to me so deeply and profoundly.

I don't want to write a book review here, but if you are a woman who is seeking balance in her life, and you're finding yourself running around like mad, and you wonder how life got this crazy, then this book is like a soft breeze from the ocean. It was just what I needed. It has nothing saccharine about it, and it manages to be deeply philosophical and restful at the same time.

The book is infiltrating my dreams, and the dreams are beautiful. In these dreams, I'm running on beaches, discovering beautiful shells, walking alone in the beauty of a beach day. Most of my dreams this year have been nightmares, and this is a gift like I can not describe.

This morning, I took Shep for an overdue walk (when I have surgery the poor boy is neglected), and headed to a favorite beach of mine. I tied Shep up (no dogs on beaches in Seattle was a good excuse for the true solitude; he could see me from where he was), and walked on the beach by myself for fifteen minutes, looking for shells. I found all kinds of lovely bits to take home with me, but not the exact shell that I was looking for. This is excellent, because it will remind me to keep looking for it.

I found a tidepool with two small sea anenomes, green fingers outstretched, and a hermit crab in a beautiful shell beside them. The beach had waves of red seaweed on it, and the color contrast was just so striking. I found two perfect white stones.

My to do list is as long as ever. Laundry is perpetual. I've already done the Tessa routine, and gone grocery shopping, and put things away, and made myself lunch. I'm still deeply tired, and in a few weeks if I'm not well then we will start exploring chronic fatigue syndrome - there must be SOME reason that I'm so wiped out. The garden calls, and the house needs dusting, and so on and so on.

But I am taking more time for myself. Walking Shep was good, but walking by myself on a beach is better. Like Lindbergh says, the shells are a reminder of my true self. I am the girl who walks on empty beaches.

I'm doing my old bedtime rituals again, too. Hot baths, candles, herbal tea, poetry. I love to fluff up my pillow, put on pretty pajamas, and crawl into bed an hour before I intend to fall asleep. Books, classical music (I'm particularly into Beethoven right now), poetry. And sometimes, just silence, and watching the candle flicker.

I plan to spend my life looking for seashells.

Catching my breath

2010-05-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today I'm trying to catch my breath. My friend Laurie treated me to a lovely pedicure, and I felt pampered and spoiled, and now my toes look pretty. (We just need to warm up the weather so that I can show them off in open toed shoes.) I'm changing sheets, doing laundry, and generally trying to catch up on some of what I feel behind on.

And I'm catching my breath. I'm still very tired, and my neck gets so very achy in the afternoons, but I can manage these things. It could have been so different for me, and I know it. Actually, I know it very well. A "breast cancer friend" is experiencing a new mets diagnosis right now, and my heart is broken for her. This disease never stops.

In perhaps good news for me, I just saw this article:
http://www.nature.com/bjc/journal/v102/n9/abs/6605655a.html
I had two kinds of cancer: DCIS and IDC. My DCIS took up 10cm of my breast, and the IDC was in three tumors sized 2.1, 1.5, and .2 cm. I've always considered this a negative in my prognosis - as if one tumor wasn't enough, I had four, and two types - but this new research says that maybe it improves my prognosis somehow. Is it a correlation, because I didn't qualify for a lumpectomy? Is it some other thing? I do not know, but it gives me a bit more hope.

I have lots of catching up to do in my life, lots of thinking about life itself, and it is an honor to be granted that opportunity. To explore, to think, to plan.

I'm working on my best life now.

BENIGN!

2010-04-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

Just got the good news - ready to celebrate!

Huge sigh of relief. :-)

Fresh

2010-04-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up today feeling human.

And optimistic.

Oh, how I have missed my optimism.

My thyroid meds might be working, I might get excellent news from pathology, and I might be able to move on with the business of living.

Today, I am embracing life and tossing the painkillers - the pain is to quite manageable levels and in the afternoon when it flares I'm going to take Motrin instead of the dizzy-inducing meds that were prescribed.

Carpe diem, family and friends. And my greatest love to all of you for loving me.

A mother's care

2010-04-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

Today I am the recipient of my mom's care. In addition to vacuuming and putting away dishes she is currently on a run to pick me up some won ton soup.

Best of all is just having her here, telling me that she loves me, and supporting me.

I'm doing okay, up and down still but in the expected way. A little burst of energy and the thought "oh good I'm better already!" followed by "ohhh I'm a bit dizzy and I think I'll sit down again..."

Lots more herbal tea, wearing my favorite pajamas.

No news from the doctor yet, and not expecting anything 'til tomorrow at earliest.

Home from surgery

2010-04-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Things looked good, so I'm relieved, but also awaiting the final pathology.

Uncomfortable and groggy but glad to be home. Thank you for your continued well wishes.

Grateful for my friends and family.
xoxox

Surgery tomorrow

2010-04-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I had an eventful morning! I met with the new neck surgeon (my surgeon from September is apparently in the Army, and he is serving in Afghanistan right now - please send him kind thoughts and prayers) and we talked about my lumpy nodes.

There is no way to tell if they are benign or malignant without removing them. After debating pros and cons, discussing medical history, and evaluating risks, we decided to remove them. The surgeon thinks they'll be benign, but there is only one way to tell. I am scheduled for surgery at Swedish tomorrow to have them removed.

It's a short surgery, out-patient. I'll be home in the afternoon.

I must get my head around this....yikes. I'm glad to put it behind me. I am starting to believe that it will be benign, that I will wake up with this chapter closed and a new - HEALTHY - one begun.

Continued thoughts, prayers, and white light are appreciated. Thank you!

Thank you to my team - you know who you are. Heather for driving me today, Laurie for taking Tessa early and getting her to school.....and everyone who has promised to help. I could never do this alone, and I am so grateful to all of you.

A long day

2010-04-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today was filled with surprises.

I started the day not too anxious about my doctor's appointment - I knew my thyroid numbers, and now it was just time to correct them.

Surprise, surprise. The doctor felt my neck, and was concerned about a nodule on one side. We had a brief discussion about thyroid cancer. Immediate scans necessary. Next week? No, I can't wait that long. Today? Yes. And schedule a needle biopsy for tomorow - oh boy.

So I waited around, walked around Capitol Hill, and then spent a good part of the afternoon on the ultrasound table, craning my neck at unnatural angles.

The result? Hashimoto's thyroiditis, NOT thyroid cancer. Revised medication,a nd a follow up appointment. Canceling tomorrow's thyroid biopsy.

And this was supposed to be the easy day, but I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow I will meet with the neck surgeon to discuss my "real" problem of neck lumps. Let's hope it goes smoother, but ends just as well.

Winding down the weekend

2010-04-25T17:01:00.001-07:00

This afternoon I feel so tired that it's like I took a sleeping pill. What's up with that?

I did what I am calling "cleaning therapy" at our new church today. A scrub brush and a bottle of (home made/green) cleaning stuff and I was off and going. I understand that at some ashrams in India the people scrub floors for hours a day, and while I wouldn't want to do that full time, there is indeed something to it.

(Meanwhile, at my own house, balls of dog hair are rolling around like tumbleweeds.)

I'm not tired because of the work, though, I'm just tired. All this worrying and waiting simply wears me out.

But on to happier things...
Our new church makes me happy. Tall windows, light streaming in. High ceilings. Rooms for the children to play safely. Places to put up children's artwork. A lovely office with a view of the water for Rev. Peg, and another for Shannon and Kari (RE). Spaces for groups to meet, spaces for parties, spaces for intimate chats, spaces for quiet contemplation.

I sat in the sanctuary today and reveled in it. Despite the mustard color on the walls and the faded pink carpet and the laminate pews....I fell in love. I see light, space, community, not bad paint. (Although I have volunteered to paint - trust me, mustard is not my color.)

There is a lot of work to do before we get to move in to our new building, and the first services will not be until September. The anticipation is lovely.

Our new church home

2010-04-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

http://westseattleblog.com/2010/04/a-home-of-their-own-westside-unitarians-get-keys-to-new-church

WSUU has OFFICIALLY purchased a building, and I'm so happy about it. This morning we can't go to services to share the excitement because Ryan's on a bike ride and Tessa is dealing with a stomach bug :-( but this afternoon I'm going to attend the cleaning party. The West Seattle Blog article has lots of pictures and is (as usual) a well written article, so check it out.

And me? I'm doing a bit better than the rest of the week. Still scared, but my optimism is returning and I am grateful for that. I didn't even take a Xanax yesterday.

Inability to sleep

2010-04-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

I have been up for a couple of hours now.

This is not a good thing.

Lump appointment

2010-04-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

1) Still have lumps, no changes. The onc's gut says that everything is fine, but we of course are following up. I have an appointment with a neck surgeon on Tuesday morning to discuss scans, surgery, or ?? (Boy do I hope that he's got something wonderful behind door number three. I am sick of scans, worried about all the radiation I keep receiving, and more-than-tired of surgery.) I just want this done with QUICKLY. I'm tired of living in anxiety-land.

2) My thyroid levels are way, way, way off. I've been hypo thyroid since 1989 and I get tested every few months, but something radical has changed and now I'm hyperthyroid and my test results are wacky. Apparently, in addition to other things, this can cause anxiety. So, I'm not crazy for feeling crazy. I'm to go off my thyroid meds immediately and I have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Monday morning. This is not related to the lumps in any way, but an incidental finding from my blood work.

I am grateful for girlfriends who hold my hand through these appointments. This is not fun.

I am grateful for all of you here, too. Thank you for caring about me.

Feeding Ourselves and Our Children

2010-04-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm distracting myself - let's see if it works.
-------------------------------------

Today I read this in the New York Times:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/28/six-meaningless-claims-on-food-labels/?apage=2#comments
and this:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/20/when-kids-eat-what-they-watch/?src=tp

I find the comments on such articles as interesting as the articles themselves. I recognize that the NYT is more elitist than not, so it's not a cross section of America, but it's a starting place.

It is no surprise to me that I fall on the far end of the food debate. I'm not the most extreme (yes, Tessa knows what Oreos are, and she loves them, and I let her eat them....at other peoples houses) but I'm towards that end. No surprise to anyone who knows me, and I know my own biases.

What I am saddened by is that more people do not share these biases.

What's my main food philosophy? I'll take the words from Michael Pollan: Eat foods. Mostly plants. Not too much.

I think that this applies quadruply to children. Just watching how Tessa grows, both physically, intellectually, and emotionally, lets me know that he body is undergoing incredible changes and needs all the support it can get. Not only is she developing habits to last her a lifetime, she is developing a body to last her a lifetime. I take that pretty seriously: it is my job to give her the best body I can.

There are so many components to nutrition that I worry about, including ethical sourcing of food, organic, and the like. But even more important that that, I think is that she needs to eat food. Not food like substances, but real food.

-----------

I recently stopped buying Kashi TLC crackers. I have liked them for years - they taste good, they have whole grains in them, they're high in fiber. But looking further at their ingredients:
Unbleached Wheat Flour, Kashi Seven Whole Grain and Sesame Flour (Whole: Oats, Hard Red Winter Wheat, Rye, Long Grain Brown Rice, Triticale, Barley, Buckwheat, Sesame Seeds), Expeller Pressed Sunflower Oil, Evaporated Cane Juice, Toasted Whole Wheat, Toasted Sesame Seeds, Wehat Bran, Contains two percent or less of Brown Rice Syrup, Stone Ground Whole Wheat Flour, Sea Salt, Malt Extract, Yellow Corn Meal, Millet, Onion Powder, Horseradish Powder, Rice Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Natural Leavenings (Potassium Bicarbonate, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate), Whey
...makes me question.

The very first ingredient is processed flour. The grains are good (and what drew me to the crackers in the first place). Evaporated cane juice is just sugar, so is brown rice syrup. More research:
http://www.goodguide.com/products/224047-kashi-tlc-crackers-original-7-grain
Not harmful, but doesn't exactly come across like health food.

And what is sodium acid pyrophosphate?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disodium_pyrophosphate
Or monocalcium phosphate?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monocalcium_phosphate
The first line for the wikipedia definition of monocalcium phosphate reads:
Monocalcium phosphate is a chemical compound with the formula Ca(H2PO4)2. It is commonly found as the monohydrate, Ca(H2PO4)2·H2O.

Okay, seriously? Is that what I want to eat? Is this food, or a food-like-substance? Why does "health food" need chemicals in it?

I used to eat Luna bars. Here is the ingredients list for Nutz Over Chocolate:
LunaPro (TM) (soy rice crisp [soy protein isolate, rice flour], organic oats, organic soy flour, organic roasted soybeans, organic milled flaxseed), brown rice syrup, Coating (organic evaporated cane juice, palm kernel oil, cocoa, inulin, soy lecithin, natural vanilla), vegetable glycerin, organic peanut butter, inulin, peanut flour, natural flavors, sea salt, geen tea extract.Vitamins & Minerals: calcium carbonate, dicalcium phosphate, magnesium oxide, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), alpha-tocophero
Now, let me go to the kitchen to whip some of those up. Where is my soy protein isolate? And my inulin? (What is inulin, anyway?) And glycerin? (Oh, I have glycerin. In the bathroom. It's called SOAP.)

This list makes me lose my appetite.

--------------
Feeding myself is complicated enough. I aim for a mainly plant based diet, with occassional ethically sourced, sustainably raised meat. I hope to eat mostly whole grains, unprocessed foods. I shop at "healthy" grocery stores, and I try to stick to the health foods aisles. Kashi and Clif (the manufacturer of Luna bars) are actually among the higher-scoring companies for healthy items, and if you ask me, they're falling short. I can't count on the "healthy" companies to take care of me.

But throw the likes and dislikes of a seven year old into the mix, and it's much, much harder.

Everywhere we go, we see messages about food-like-substances. Cereals, cookies, crackers, bars, and packaged dinners that are designed to be appealing to children. Chicken in the shape of dinosaurs, for example, includes these ingredients:
Chicken breast with rib meat, water, dried whole eggs, seasoning (salt, onion powder, modified corn starch, natural flavor), and sodium phosphates. BREADED WITH: Enriched unbleached wheat flour (enriched with niacin, ferrous sulfate, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), water, dextrose, iodized salt, yellow corn flour, modified corn starch, dried whey, soy flour, sugar, spices, caramel color, garlic powder, methylcellulose, oleoresin paprika, spice extractive. Breading set in vegetable oil.
Of the 23 ingredients listed, only 12 look like real foods to me (and I'm counting water, spices, and oleoresin paprika in there, even though I have no idea what oleoresin means). That means that 11 ingredients aren't even real ingredients....they're food-like substances. And I'm not even getting into ethical sourcing, or organics, or processing.

As a stay at home mom and chief cook at our house, it's pretty hard to compete. Assuming I was willing to make my own chicken nuggets (sounds like a lot of effort for little return) I'm certainly not going to make them shaped like dinosaurs or some other cute creatures (because I'm not sure I could - how do you make chicken do that?). They won't each look like carbon copies of each other, and they won't taste like the ones from the plastic bag in the freezer section; they won't have the same "caramel color". And they won't take 15 minutes in an oven or a blast of the microwave, either - they'd take at least an hour.

But Tessa doesn't see that. She just sees yummy chicken nuggets.

Tessa is more adventurous than many, but she's pretty sick of my cooking. Vegetables? Yuck. Pasta? Okay, but none of your sauce. (The penne with sausage, chard, and zuchinni that I made recently got gagging sounds.) Thai stir fry? Blech. Salad? How about I just pick out the blue cheese.

I'm not giving up, but it is a hard thing to face every day, multiple times per day. Tessa wants peanut butter that doesn't seperate (the natural stuff I buy does; it contains peanuts and salt, and nothing else); compare that to Jif:
MADE FROM ROASTED PEANUTS AND SUGAR. CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: MOLASSES, FULLY HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OILS (RAPESEED AND SOYBEAN), MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT.
And don't get me started on jam.

I'm more attuned to food ingredients than most people, and I struggle. I won't give up, and I'll keep trying to work it out, but I'm constantly tweaking. Just this week I found out (through a friend) that Tillamook ice cream - chosen because they have cows with no growth hormones, and they're local, and they promote their natural flavors - uses corn syrup. Well, cross that one off the list.

No wonder our nation's kids are becoming more and more obese, and with higher rates of type II diabetes. No wonder heart disease is a number one killer. No wonder cancer is so prevelant: we just weren't meant to be eating all of this junk.

I don't want to spend my life in the kitchen, even though I believe that there is honor in it. But feeding myself and my family is a bit like running a gauntlet. I'm managing, and doing relatively well, but it is a challenge that I think our great grandmothers would shake their heads at.

How are you handling feeding your family? What are your solutions for these problems?

That panicky feeling

2010-04-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

As my appointment gets closer and closer, I am getting more frightened. It's like all rational thought completely disappears, and leaves in its place a giant black hole.

I started to believe that it was metastacized breast cancer....but I must stop. I will prepare myself for surgery and benign results. Deep breaths...

Today I'm going to do yoga to try to get myself calmer. I'm going to try to push away the fears, to reclaim my thoughts, to visualize my healthy body. Deep breaths...

I would really appreciate your thoughts, prayers, white light, and love right now. Thank you.

Stuck

2010-04-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that now might be a good time to find my therapist's phone number. I haven't been in about a year, but perhaps I should.

I am feeling stuck.

Stuck in Cancerland.

A few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck, not far from where the scar from the August/September 2009 debacle was. I waited a week, and the lump didn't go away. I made an appointment with my oncologist, and she affirmed it: yes, there are lumps. The "big" one that I felt (about the size of my index fingernail) and a few smaller ones. In a chain, probably lymph nodes. Only on one side of my neck. (Not the cancer side, though.)

My doctor is wise, and trustworthy. She suggested that I might have some underlying infection, and that I should take antibiotics to see if that made my nodes return to normal. Because of the r ecent surgery, the anatomy of my nodes might be different; closer to the skin or something - and maybe that is why we could only feel them on one side. She said that she could not tell why they were large - they did not pathologically feel like cancer (not rock hard) but she couldn't say that it wasn't, either. She said "Maybe you just have a squirrely neck" (which Ryan thinks is hysterical; he says I have squirrels in my neck).

I finished the antibiotics several days ago. The lumps are still there.

So now, I have to find the energy to pick up the phone and make follow up appointments with my oncologist and the neck surgeon who operated on me last fall. I need to go see my GP, as well, to discuss my thyroid issues, which may be the source of my fatigue. (I've had thyroid issues for years, and chemo has exacerbated them.) And I really should call the therapist instead of whining here.

Since I entered Cancerland almost five years ago, I have not had a solid six months without problems or surgery or some heinous side effect. Some months have been great, some have been horrid, but it's been a roller coaster. I honestly feel like I haven't had time to catch my breath....for five years.

Five years is a long time to be out of breath, and I'm tired. And feeling very stuck.

Who I want to be: Energetic, grateful, active.
Who I am: Tired, and grateful to be alive but resentful at so much of this trouble. Stuck.

I am optimistic about living a long life. And I am grateful, and happy, for so much. But I want out of Cancerland, right now. Badly. It's a desperate feeling.

Dreameries

2010-04-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I saw a picture in a magazine of a woman's office space. It wasn't a whole room, just a desk at the end of a hall, but it was so feminine and pretty that it simply spoke to me, called to me.

I tore the page out of the magazine and stared at it for some time, returning to it again and again. What was it that it said to me? Why was I so drawn to it?

I think that the answer is that I needed a space to call my very own. Of course, we have a home filled with my influence, but I share all of my spaces with my family. Half of our small closet is mine, my very own; I have my own dresser, too. But these are functional, practical places that don't get a chance to have much personality. I wanted my own space to work, to relax, to think. A place to write, to dream....and to surround myself with things that inspire me.

The original picture was so obviously personal to the woman who owned it; there were feminine wallpapers, artwork, baskets, flowers. That's what I wanted. No, needed.

I looked around our house, and realized that the dresser in the guest room was filled with things that nobody ever used, and that with it removed, there was plenty of space in the guest room for my vision. Out the dresser went! Next, I wanted a desk. Something white, feminine, and only mine. Not a desk for paying bills; not a desk for surfing the web; not a desk for Tessa's art projects. My own desk, for writing letters, writing stories, displaying things that mean something to me.

I hunted on Craigslist for a few weeks and found what I was looking for this past weekend. So cheap it was almost free; just the right size; huge amounts of girliness.

I already had some art to put up - the Impressionist picture of two girls at the piano that I purchased in Paris in 1991; the picture of a woman reading in a garden. A few candles, a pretty vase filled with lilacs from our garden, a glass box filled with pretty notecards and silver pens, and I was nearly done.

Craigslist to the rescue one more time: a large corkboard. The plan is to paint the wood and cover the cork in a pretty fabric, but I pressed it into use right away without doing that (it will happen in its own time). I've covered it with pictures and words that speak to me, that soothe me. One day I might use it as a storyboard for my novel. It's a type of vision board, but one that I intend to change around routinely. My visions aren't of wealth and fame - they're of peace and tranquility. Right now it's mostly covered with pictures of gardens, of picnics, of jars filled with flowers. I didn't set out to do that, I just chose things that spoke to me, and that must be where I am right now.

This is my place to dream. Michele nicknamed it The Dreamery, and indeed, that is what it is. Just a little corner in which to think. A place to rest my eyes and remember who I am. A place for quiet and order and beauty.

The scent of lilacs fills the room; it feels light and airy. I feel inspired here.

I needed that. Ahhhhhh.

Places that elevate my blood pressure

2010-04-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

Number one on the list: oncology offices.

I thought I was doing well at the doctor's office today, as Michele and Ryan (who surprised me by showing up, a very sweet gesture) took good care of me. Still, when the nurse took my BP, it was 151/93. Good grief. Imagine what it would have been if they weren't there!

I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to make sure that what appears to be a minor lymph node thing goes away with antibiotics, so I will get to visit the lovely doctor again then.

In the meantime, I'll just sing my favorite song:
All will be well,
all will be well;
All manner of things
Will be well.
(Meg Barnhouse from Mango Thoughts in a Meatloaf Town)

Garden beginnings

2010-04-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have accomplished pretty much nothing in the past 48 hours. As my appointment looms, I get more and more frozen. Joy, joy. (Sarcasm.)

But I did finally get into the garden. I planted a row of carrot seeds, a row of swiss chard seeds, and two rows of mixed lettuce starts. I got three pea plants into the ground, and put sweet peas in pots mixed in with the strawberries for bursts of color (the blue pots look good even when they only have an inch of green sticking up).

I can start to imagine how the garden will look in a month or two. The herbs are growing already, the tulips are bigger, and the roses are fuller.

Maybe this will be a good spring.

Poll: How much time do you spend cooking each day?

2010-04-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am distracting myself. Less than 24 hours 'til my oncologist appointment. Ugh.

-----
I heard on a podcast recently that the average woman used to spend an hour and a half in the kitchen each day, but the average woman now spends 8 minutes a day on meal preparation.

8 minutes? REALLY?

How long do you spend cooking each day? Hands on time, plus time in the oven....

Here's how my day usually looks, cooking wise:

Breakfast:
- boil water, grind coffee for French Press coffee: 5 minutes (less?)
- boil water, add oatmeal, cook for 5 minutes, add berries, cook for one minute, add yogurt and maple syrup: 10 minutes
OR
- Home made granola....10 minutes prep and 35 minutes cooking, but it makes a big batch that lasts at least a week

Lunch:
- Tessa: grilled cheese sandwich (5-10 minutes), plus sliced apples or other fruit; or macaroni and cheese and fruit; or some other random thing
- Me: tossed salad with avocado, goat cheese, sliced veggies, and some home made balsalmic dressing: 10 mins; or leftovers; or a sandwich 5-10 minutes
- Ryan: leftovers plus fruit and nuts; or a salad with grilled chicken or salmon or steak or shrimp added (10 minutes)
....on the weekends we eat together, could be anything, often ploughman's platter of cheese, crackers or bread, smoked salmon, fruit, cut up veggies 10 mins

Dinner:
The most variance of the day is dinner, and it's also where I spend most of my time. Here are some common meals at our house:
- Pizza: home made pizza dough (10 minutes), home made pizza sauce (10 minutes), sliced toppings (5 minutes), plus salad (10 minutes)= 35 minutes plus cooking time of 20 minutes
- Stirfry: make marinade 5 minutes, chop chicken or steak, marinate (anywhere from half hour to all day), chop veggies 10-15 minutes, cook rice 1 minute prep 40 minutes cooking, do stirfry, 10-15 minutes= 45 minutes total
- Soup: make stock (40 minutes for veggie stock, or a couple hours for chicken stock, of which most of the time is just occassional stirring); chop veggies (15 minutes); saute onion, carrot, and celery (10 minutes); put together and simmer (30 minutes) =95 minutes total
- Grilled salmon: quick season salmon (2 minutes) and grill (12 minutes); chop veggies and steam or stirfry (10-15 minutes); chop potatoes and toss with olive oil and rosemary and then roast (25-40 minutes)= 40 minutes

This, of course, doesn't count setting the table or clearing it, and cleaning the kitchen. I spend a lot of my life planning for, shopping, preparing, eating, and cleaning up after food.

In short? I am not an 8 minute girl! I am not even counting extras like baking (made cookies this week, banana bread last week) and bread making (do it all the time), and the like. Plus, on weekends we'll have friends over and make something more elaborate, and I'll make dessert, and appetizers. I'll often make a salad to go on the side, and that's all about chopping (plus, I like to make my own dressing).

I know lots of women who cook more than I do, and lots who cook less. But 8 minutes? Really? Is that microwave meals and cereal? How on earth do you do that? Making a salad with more than a couple of ingredients takes longer than that!

There are days when I spend all day in the kitchen, and there are days when I demand that we go out to eat, but I figure I easily spend an hour or two in the kitchen preparing food each day. Easily. Add clean up time and it's closer to two hours.

How much time do you spend on food each day?

The storm before the calm

2010-04-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Now that I have an appointment with my oncologist, I have that panicky feeling that the situation always brings me these days. I haven't been since my major scare in the fall, and I'm overdue. Now I remember why I procrastinated: I feel frozen at the mere thought of walking in the building. Paralyzed.

When did I become like this? I remember cracking jokes before my mastectomy. I used to think of myself as so brave, and sometimes I still do....but when I have to go back to the oncologist these days I feel small and powerless, like a mouse in a field with a hawk circling above. I just hope I can find a big enough leaf to hide under, knowing that the leaf isn't real protection but if I'm lucky the hawk won't spot me.

I am so very, very glad that when I entered Cancerland I didn't know how long my mind would stay there, and that I didn't understand the length of the journey. I thought it would be a long-gone part of my past by now, and yet it remains part of my present.

Deep breaths. I truly hope that this is the storm before the calm, and that by the time my appointment is over on Friday, I will be able to laugh at the feelings that are behind this blog post. I just want to get an "all clear" and then get the heck out of there! Dear friend Michele is going to drive me so that I don't get into any traffic accidents on the way, and to hold my hand, and that helps a lot. I did chemo by myself a lot, and I don't know why. (Certainly, I had friends enough to come.) 'Chele will help keep me from going any further insane.

So, further lists of things I love to calm my soul:
- listening to Mozart in the mornings
- hot, strong, dark roast coffee
- the lilac bush under the window - with the window open, the spring breeze is blowing lilac scents into the house today
- blue skies with just small, pure white puffy clouds (and today, that is what I see)
- reading to Tessa in bed in the mornings, her warm body snuggled up to me, her arm clutching Special Bear
- Special Bear. This is the bear that "Uncle" Paul gave to Tessa on the day she was born, and she has only spent two (accidental, and very sad) nights without it since her birth. He is worn so that he looks like he's made of fabric, not fur, and it's hard to tell that he was once a warm white....now he's more or less a dull gray. Tessa has hundreds of stuffed animals, fluffy, soft, new, and beautiful, but we both know that Special Bear is worth more than all of them combined.
- Friends who accept me for who I am. Oh, this is such a gift.
- The pillow that my mother-in-law made for me, that sits on my Arts & Crafts style rocker.
- My alter in the middle of the house, which holds a chalice, a cross, and a seated Buddha figure.
- The trees in my yard, including two maples with brilliant fall colors, a white dogwood to remind me of my B.C. heritage (and yet it was planted by a previous owner), the giant pink flowering dogwood, the gorgeous old styrax, the lilac that has grown so much since we moved here, the two poplars that give a wonderful sound when their leaves rustle, the funny tree in the front that blooms pink flowers in winter, the pear which is in full blossom right now, the Japanese Maple with the hiding spot under it for Mo in the summer, shady and hidden.
- Decorating for holidays, large and small. Today I will take down the Easter decorations, which include an egg candle, an "Easter Tree" decorated with pastel eggs, a couple of ceramic bunny dishes, and the like. Mostly I put these things up for Tessa, who just adores it, but it makes me smile, too.

More things I love

2010-04-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

- Hiking to Talapus Lake
- Sarah McLachlan's music
- quiet time alone in my house
- the feeling I get after I do yoga
- lit candles in a dark room
- the smell of fresh lavendar or freesia or roses
- bookcases overflowing with books
- Botticelli, VanGogh, Renoir paintings
- girls and women wearing dresses
- the sound of waves, whether lapping softly or roaring and crashing
- the feel of smooth driftwood in my fingers
- finding seashells or robin's eggs
- the way Mo (cat) sleeps on my foot at night
- pulling carrots out of the garden
- playing board games or doing puzzles with Tessa
- any shade of blue with white
- girls' night in
- having a guest room (when I was a kid I dreamed of it, and it came true in adulthood)
- chatting with my mom
- sleeping in
- chocolate (shhh don't tell anyone but I like milk chocolate better than dark)
- bleeding heart, lady slipper, ferns, and hostas in shady corners
- tea parties, simple or elaborate
- making my own bread
- the moments of silence in church
- singing a hymn I know by heart

Today I'm super tired and it helps to make lists of lovely things.

I made an appointment with my oncologist for Friday - I'm overdue for follow up. Wish me luck at remaining calm, as just driving by the building makes me feel a bit panicky.

A good, but tired, life

2010-04-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have fallen off the blogging wagon, though I have plenty to say. We had a great spring break, with a trip to Chelan with Grammy (my mom), and a trip to the tulips in Skagit Valley with friends. The Easter Bunny came and left lots of chocolate. Cookies have been made and decorated in the shapes of bunnies, chicks, eggs, and tulips.

It's a good life. Filled with simple pleasures every day.

But...

I am so tired. So, so, so tired. Normal activities just wear me out in a way I can't quite describe. I get bursts of energy that make me think "AHA! I'm back!" but within a couple of hours I find myself flagging and thinking "no no nonono!" because there is always so much to do (both fun and chores). I have fallen off the planet sometimes and haven't been in touch with dear friends because I get tired and then I just sit on the couch and do nothing, too tired even for a chat with a friend. This is not my best side, but it is what it is and I'm working on managing it.

I get my thyroid tested regularly and I take thyroid meds (and have since 1989), so maybe it's off. Or maybe it's the tamoxifen. Or maybe it's cumulative cancer treatment and too many surgeries.

Whatever it is, it is what it is. I am grateful for the incredible blessings in my life, even when I'm too tired to fully appreciate them.

Insomnia

2010-03-16T11:42:00.001-07:00

I did not sleep last night.

Why, why, why?

Today I'm in my bathrobe and a wreck from the lack of sleep.

Tonight will be better, right?

Day tripping

2010-03-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today's day trip was a short one - just up the road to the U-District. The Hisatomis joined us, and together we ate a fabulous but cheap Mexican meal at a funky place (Agua Verde), then walked up to the quad to see the incredible cherry trees in blossom. The quad was filled with college students, but also many families like ours out to enjoy the achitecture and blossoms. The kids climbed trees, the dogs sniffed around and made new friends, and a good time was had by all. We walked to Drumheller Fountain to enjoy the views, and the kids got an added bonus: feeding the ducks and geese. Then, while the Hisatomis returned home, we headed up memory lane and drove Tessa by the first house that Ryan and I lived in together, in Wallingford, and then popped over to Fremont for a coffee.

Little days like this are the best. It's the simple things - being outdoors, being with friends, enjoying nature (even in the city), creating memories but also enjoying old memories. Ahhh.

This Friday Tessa is off school and we were going to go to Portland, but Mom & Dad's house is showing well and they don't need our help now. So, instead, we're going to head to Skagit Valley to enjoy daffodils or tulips or whatever else appears....we can wander through La Conner, have lunch at the Calico Cupboard or some new place. I would love to do more little day trips like this - some, within the city, like hanging out in Ballard or downtown.

We are loving spring. We've gotten some yard work done (a few hours of that yesterday and I'm still stiff), we're spending more time outdoors. I'm waiting for the dirt to settle a bit, but I've prepared three rows for planting. Soon we'll be getting garden veggies again. I even found some flowers starting on the strawberries as I was weeding, so strawberry season can't be too far away.

Another reason to love spring? Our congregation is about to get a new home of our very own - instead of renting space in the Masonic Lodge (no windows, folding chairs, no proper classrooms) we will have a real, honest-to-goodness sanctuary, classrooms, natural light. I can't wait! Our church is an important part of our family culture, and I'm so grateful to have found it. Will this be the place Tessa chooses to get married? Time will tell!

Speaking of church, I've got a Religious Education Council meeting tonight...gotta go!

Frugality

2010-03-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

This blog wanders like it is lost, but I am still working on my efforts toward frugality. Simple abundance and frugality - they seem like opposing forces (abundance and frugality?) but frugality is about being simple, so perhaps they're not so opposed after all.

We have been Craigslisting items, which a) gets them out of our house, and b) brings in some cash. We switched from an espresso machine to the little stovetop espresso pot like everyone in Europe seems to have, and yesterday a nice person from Craigslist came and paid me $100 for the machine. We can still have espresso whenever we want - but it's one less pull on electricity (the espresso machine was always plgged in), one less large piece of clutter, and more money in hand. The machine had been sitting for about a year, so we certainly won't miss it.

We are eating a lot more vegetarian meals. Last night I made black beans and rice, Mexican style with onions, chilis, tomatoes, served with a squeeze of lime, a sprinkling of cheddar cheese, and avocado slices. Tessa would still prefer a cheeseburger every day of the week at every meal, but she actually ate everything I served with only a minimum of fuss (which is huge these days). Ryan is taking his lunch almost all the time, and often he takes leftovers (which I plan for when I cook), so that means he's eating more vegetarian at lunch, as well, instead of the fast food meals that I know he was having.

Part of my reason for more vegetarian meals is cost, and part is health, but another part is that it's more environmentally friendly. When I buy meat I'm trying to find sustainably raised, grass fed, pasture raised, free range (in the true sense of the word), hormone free, ethically slaughtered, etc. That comes at a price - a hefty one. I almost moan when I hear an ad for $1/pound hamburger, because I sometimes pay 5-6 times that much for the green version. To balance this with frugality, we just eat a lot less of it. Not only do we eat meat less frequently, but we also eat it in smaller quantities than we used to.

(Book note: I just finished "The Butcher and the Vegetarian" by Tara Austen Weaver. It discussed the ethical and environmental issues of meat by a once-vegetarian who is prescribed meat in her diet due to health issues. It's an interesting twist on the question of meat, and an easy read.)

Once again, we got free mulch delivered, with help from our friend Kathleen and a local tree service. It's high quality, rich material, and it will nourish our vegetables all summer. I'm never paying for mulch again. We're making our own compost, though it seems like we can use twice as much as we can produce. Vegetable scraps are used to either make stock (I keep a container in my freezer at all times now so that making stock is as simple as throwing it into a pot of water, adding onion and salt, and simmering) or compost in the worm bins, and I love the closed cycle that creates. Once again this summer we will be eating out of our garden. The blueberries and raspberries are starting to leaf, the rhubarb is coming up, the strawberries are waiting, and the herbs are starting to renew themselves. In the next few weeks I'll be planting early veggies like peas, leeks, spinach, chard, and the garden will be off and running. We're expanding the garden again this year, so our harvest will be even greater than before.

I am trying very, very hard to avoid packaged and processed foods. I still buy, not make, cheese; I haven't attempted my own crackers yet. But for most things, I'm working with whole foods that look the way that they grew. Tessa would probably prefer Ding-Dongs in her lunch (at her age, I did) but we're all adjusting. I am making all of my own bread (and getting rid of the bread machine!), cereal, and three meals a day. It's tiring but worth it, I think.

The library is one of my closest friends. I'm on their website every couple of weeks, placing holds on all kinds of books. I do look forward to buying books again, but right now, while I really care about frugality, this is a great back-up plan. It's one thing to stop buying books, altogehter another to stop reading them!

We haven't used paper towels in at least a year, maybe more. I keep one roll on hand for things like vomit (arghhhh!) but that roll lasts a whole year. I keep a basket of rags with the cleaning supplies, and they work great. Whenever something gets stained beyond wear, I cut it up and it goes into the rag bin. I don't miss the paper towels a bit. Same is true for paper napkins - we still have a bunch from before we went all cloth, and I will use them very occassionally, but I don't even think about them any more. There is a big bin of them in the kitchen, and it works for us without a thought.

In the winter it's harder, but I'm still trying to walk many errands instead of driving - that's one great thing about living in West Seattle, I can walk to multiple grocery stores, a deli, coffee shops, pharmacies, toy store, thrift stores, clothing boutiques, etc. We've got to get Tessa more comfortable on her bike and then we can expand our range, too. (Although I haven't figured out Shep + bikes. I like to take him on my errand walks to get him exercise - how do I exercise him if we're on bikes?)

I'm still staying out of stores. Yesterday the Title Nine catalog (women's clothing, much of it athletic wear but also darling skirts and dresses) came and I drooled over it for far too long. I have canceled most catalogs for this reason: when I look at them, I start to crave things or think that what I have isnt' good enough. But when I stay out of stores, and stop looking at catalogs, I don't miss things at all. I have never been trendy - I like to htink of myself as more classic - so I don't need to buy a bunch of things every new season.

In short, I've come a long way. Still have a long way to go....but I've come a long way.

Time to wake up the girl. Fingers crossed that she's in a good mood this morning....

More little pleasures

2010-03-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

Today: yoga (in my basement), followed by a lunch of apples with peanut butter and carrots with lemony hummus.

Ahhhh.

More things I love

2010-03-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

My last post made me feel good, so I'm adding to it. Remembering what I love, remembering what makes me smile, remembering what is good in the world - what's not to love about that?

Now, let it be said before I begin: the things that I love most are not things. I love my husband, daughter, family, friends, dog, cat, health. I love clean air, fresh water. I do know what is important, and I'm not trying to trivilize that just because I'm taking about smaller things. Small things are good, too, and that's what I'm thinking about today.

Okay, disclaimer over. Here's today's random list:

I love:
- the colors cobalt blue and turquoise (sometimes together, not always)
- oriental rugs
- desks with cubby holes for storing things
- hand knit afghans
- Tessa's naked baby photo
- hearing the Dalai Llama speak (or reading his works)
- the tree mural in Tessa's room
- the Coast Salish carved orca that hangs in the living room
- eating fresh from the garden
- home made bread
- days when I get to stay in my pajamas for as long as I want
- hot coffee
- hot tea
- the smell of my yard after it rains
- hand made baskets
- the smell of baking lemon bread or cake
- sitting with a friend in the middle of the day to just talk
- full bookcases
- the way the sun comes through the stained-glass door in the mornings
- watching birds in the bird feeder while we eat breakfast
- smooth pebbles, especially beach washed pure black or white ones
- freshly painted rooms
- the color of my bedroom - I find it so soothing
- empty kitchen counters (maybe just one bowl of fruit on them)
- my teapot from Grandpa
- setting a table when people are joining us for dinner
- silver serving trays
- fresh flowers in a vase, just plunked in, not arranged. bonus points for growing them myself.
- sitting down at a clear desk to write a letter
- curling up with a good book in a comfortable chair. bonus points for adding a cup of tea and a hand knit afghan
- my black leather boots - the flat ones, because they are comfortable and stylish and warm
- dangly earrings
- wearing my hair long
- picnics with wicker baskets and plaid blankets
- beachcombing
- long bubble baths by candlelight. bonus points for a good book and a glass of wine.
- snowshoeing
- hiking up to Talapus Lake
- the Olympus Day Spa (aka "the naked spa")
- the texture of Tessa's hair, and the color of her natural highlights
- home cooked meals made by a friend
- eavesdropping on Tessa and her friends

Ahhhhh. Writing that put me into my happy place.

Things I love

2010-03-08T14:24:00.001-08:00

Simple abundance doesn't mean getting rid of everything. Here are some things that I love:

- Lots of pillows on my bed
- An assortment of china tea cups and tea pots (yes, I use them)
- stainless steel pots and pans
- crystal vases that catch the light
- beeswax candles (yes I burn them)
- pretty table linens
- books, books, books
- heavy kitchen bowls
- serving ware with an Italian twist, lots of cobalt blue
- cashmere sweaters
- my Great Aunt Helen's Limoge china with the pink and lavendar roses, even though I only use it once a year
- warm throw blankets, especially those made by hand
- purses in just about every size, shape, and color

What do you love?

Simple Abundance

2010-03-08T12:38:00.001-08:00

I've been reading a book by the title of "Simple Abundance" and I've been thinking a lot about the topic. I want a simple abundance in my life: enough, but not too much. Laughter galore, good books, music, friends, wine, quiet, flowers, comfort, beauty. I want to live in the present, loving what I have, even when I'm working for the future.

I want to be surrounded in beauty, but I don't want to live in a museum or on the pages of a catalog. I want to be content with what I have, but still know how to dream and to plan.

How does one go about making her home filled with simple abundance? Not the trappings of a modern consumerist life like in the glossy pages that are before us all the time; not what Martha Stewart or HGTV tells us, but a comfortable home where people love to visit. A place of serenity, safety, comfort, and beauty. A place marked by individuality.

Today, I'm spring cleaning. After helping my in-laws to spring clean their home in preparation for sale this weekend, I came home filled with resolve to do the same things in my own life. When Ryan and I watch "Designed to Sell" we always laugh at the simple changes that people make that they should have made years ago to make their home more livable; I'm working on that myself today. But it's more than that: it's the philosophy of being present, of knowing how much is enough and how much is too much. It's being able to separate memorabilia that brings joy, and the things that just add clutter. I'm not moving any time soon (I hope not, anyway) but the practices that people go through before a move are probably good for all of us. Ryan and I have lived here for nine years, and the house that once seemed palatial is now filled to the rafters with stuff.

I suffer from the same consumerism that impacts us all. Right now I want a new dining room table (ours is starting to sag), a remodeled attic and kitchen and basement, and clothes with feminine ruffles on them. And a new trenchcoat in a color that pops. There is always a list of books or music to buy or have.

These same things might be things I don't want in a year, or in ten, and so I'm trying to examine my impulses more closely. I don't need anything. I don't need much stuff, and we have so much.

I don't want stuff. I want beautiful, useful objects that please me and truly simplify my life. I want it for the joy of it, but I also want it to be sustainable and green for this earth. I want our possessions to contribute to the ease of our lives, but not to rule us.

So, as I'm going through overflowing closets and drawers and extra rooms, the question I ask is: What is enough? What is the difference between abundance and excess?

I'd love a discussion on this, with some practical numbers thrown in. How many of each should we have at any time?
- magazines
- books
- CDs
- toys
- baskets
- sets of sheets
- sets of towels
- extra blankets
- vases
- office supplies
- clothing per person
- shoes per person
- kitchen tools
- other.....

I'd love to see others thoughts. What is simple abundance, and what is excess? Where is the balance between simplicity and abundance?

I believe that when my physical space is in order, my life feels more in order - and my head, too. I'm working on all of it right now.

----------------------------------------

Many thanks to my beloved in-laws for allowing us to share in their process this weekend as they sort through a lifetime of home furnishings and mementos before they downsize to the "land cruise" of the pretty retirement place they've picked out. I know it's not easy to choose which memories to take and which to leave behind, but I hope that when I am in their shoes I will handle it with as much grace and good humor. I am grateful to them for allowing me to whirl through their home, poking my nose into the corners to help them, because though I do it as a service I imagine it must be invasive, too. It is an honor to be entrusted with the joy of helping to care for them. Mom and Dad Surface, I love you. I hope you're relaxing after the whirlwind of your family swirled through your home this weekend.

prom pics

2010-03-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

80's prom was absolutely hysterical, and we had such a good time with our friends. It turns out that I still can't make my hair tall - it just doesn't grow that way, but I did make it curly. I should have taken a close up picture of my purple, blue, and teal eyeshadow, too.

Ryan wore a pink carnation boutinniere, and I wore a pink rose corsage.

Ahhhh, the 80s. Fun to visit but I wouldn't want to live there!

PS I always wanted a Gunne Sax dress. Now, I finally got one. Only about 25 years too late...

Reading List

2010-02-25T12:52:00.001-08:00

I'm currently looking at books entitled "Your 7 Year Old," "Easy to love, difficult to discipline," "Seven Secrets of Spiritual Parenting" "Raising you Only Child" and others. I'm just about done with "Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Positive Discipline" (again).

I really wish Tessa would read these books because she loves to prove them wrong!

Tessa is an amazing, wonderful daughter, and I would never choose anyone else. I love her like I love air - I don't think I could survive without her. But the challenges - wow.

We've got boundaries and routines; we've got love galore (and express that love all the time).

She will come to it; I will figure it out. Together, we will get through this phase.

I hear that eight year olds are fabulous...but I'm not goign to hit the fast forward button, even if I can find it.

On an up note? She did her homework last night with a minimum of protest. PHEW.

Better

2010-02-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and said, "Screw it. I want to have my life today." So I hauled myself out of bed and just went for it.

This afternoon, I feel tired, and I think that's a leftover from the Zometa, but I'm much more myself.

I went for a (short) run with Shep this morning, sans iPod, to clear my head. I've scrubbed my bathroom, including the dreaded tub. (I used baking soda and water. Remarkable how well it works - and no nasty chemicals to breathe or wash down the drain.) I made a crock pot meal (pork marakesh - it's got red onions, ginger, apricots, and thyme....hope it's good) for dinner that is simmering away.

I have about a zillion more things to do, but that is okay. At least I don't feel like hiding today, which I did the past two days.

It messes with my head

2010-02-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

Today I'm taking it slow. I feel much better than yesterday, but I don't think I can explain just how hard it is for me to go to the cancer center. It's going to take a while to catch my breath.

So, a quiet day at home. Chores to be done....but I just need the quiet.

Zometa blues

2010-02-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

Being in the building at the cancer institute really makes me feel ill. The smell of the alcohol wipes that they use to wipe the tubing for the IVs is what really brings me back - ugh.

I swear my blood pressure was through the roof the whole time, but I survived it.

And tonight? Headachy and impatient and feeling blue. I can't separate out what is the physical, and what is the psychological, I just know that I feel horrid.

Tomorrow will be better.

Still proud of myself for making dinner and cleaning the house and changing the sheets this morning before my appointment....

Zometa

2010-02-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

Today is my infusion of Zometa at the chemo center. An hour of drip, drip, drip into an IV, plus usually an extra hour of waiting around, bloodwork, getting poked, saline, and the like.

Zometa has caused "flu like symptoms" (quoting from their side effects sheets) the last couple of times, so I have prepared dinner in the crock pot and set the table so that if I feel lousy afterwards I will be that far ahead and the family won't starve. (The up side: the house is filled with the warm smells of onions, chicken, and garam masala.)

I'm bringing my iPod, my journal, and a book.

All will be well. But I don't have to like it.

Today's gratitude list:

- It's "just" Zometa, not chemo.
- I'm healthy.
- It's gorgeous outside.
- I'm healthy.
- Zometa might keep me healthy.

On a side note, I now have just one year of tamoxifen left on the schedule - I'll be done in February 2011. I wonder what I'll feel like without it?

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T17:03:00.001-08:00

First, a follow up on my uncle's health...

He's home! My mom called to speak to my Aunt Rene and Uncle Mel picked up the phone. My mom said she just about fell off her chair. Uncle Mel is the Comeback Kid - he has completely overcome the odds and returned to health in a way that nobody predicted. So - happy Valentine's Day to Rene and Mel....and many more to come! I am certain that this is a special day for you both, knowing that it nearly didn't come to pass together.

I had to reschedule my tea party for church in order to visit Mel, and I will do that soon.

Today is also my parents' 41st wedding anniversary - happy anniversary, Mum and Dad! Thank you for giving me a model to follow, as you've made it through easy times and hard times and never faltered in your love for one another. Every child should be so lucky.

And me? We had a nice day as a family - a really nice day. We opened with waffles ala Mama for breakfast, and Ryan and I laughed to discover we'd purchased each other the same gift (a particular box of chocolates). Ryan was ready for some down time after his busy day-and-back trip to Portland, so Tessa and I went to church (which was lovely as always). shopped at the farmer's market (note: eating seasonally has me beginning to crave spring - there is only so much I can do with squash and I feel like I'm turning into a squash/potato...) and came back. We packed up a simple picnic, loaded up and headed to Lowman Beach Park for a lovely time in the sunshine - hurrah! and just soaked up the fresh air. Then we went for the loop walk through the park, with Shep sniffing every dog he could reach from his leash, and all of us pausing for Tessa to play on the beach and on the monkey bars.

Now, we're home, and Tessa is creating a treasure hunt, Ryan is (unfortunately) fighting a headache, and I've got dinner prepped. I had some extra milk and got the idea to make my Grandpa Goddard's recipe for rice pudding, which is simmering as I type. There was a sale on lobster tails at Thriftway, and Tessa and Ryan's eyes popped when I told them we'd dine on lobster! (For three of us, it was $20. Given that Ryan and I elected to not have a date for Valentine's, it's economical but luxurious.)

If every day were this simple, and this beautiful, for every person, the world would be a different place, I think.

Here's wishing you and yours a day filled with love, peace, and contentment.

Parenting advice?

2010-02-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

I have just spent over an hour combing the library website for new resources for parenting Tessa. I have placed holds on books in the following categories:

- parenting only children
- parenting strong willed children
- seven year olds and their development
- discipline strategies for children
- how to keep cool when kids are driving (you) insane

I am a fan of the Positive Discipline series, and I've got Love & Logic on my bedside table.

Do you have favorite parenting resources? Websites, books, and the like?

When my current strategies fail, it's time to go to the library. Friends, anything to add?

Disclaimer: I am anti spanking, and that is my bias. I am comfortable with that position and not looking to change it.

Homework Drama

2010-02-10T11:40:00.001-08:00

Tessa forgot to bring her homework home last night.

I told her that we could go into school early so that she could do it. We got our carpool in early, and we went into the classroom, and tracked down her forgotten folder. I read her the instructions, showed her the example, and set her to work.

Questions. Complaining. Distractions. Talking to students coming in and out of the classroom.

The bell rings. No surprise - it's not done.

The school consequence for not doing homework is missing recess.

Tessa starts to cry, to cling to me, to say, "Talk to Ms. H! Tell her I tried!" I gently but firmly said, "No, you need to tell her. I did what I could to help you, but if you didn't get it done, that is something you need to tell her." More crying. Then, the punch:

"It's all your fault!" What?! "You didn't help me!"

Ms. H heard this and was NOT impressed. Tessa was sobbing and clinging to me and Ms. H just said, "Tessa, I'm counting to five and you'd better be at your desk." She got to 4 before Tessa let go, and I left the classroom.

Exhausted.

Ms. H told me that I should let Tessa fail - if she doesn't do her homework, she does not get to come in early to do it. Okay, lesson learned. She seemed peeved with me for offering that as a choice for Tessa.

I feel like a D- parent right now.

Deep breaths.

I have moved Tessa's homework station into her bedroom; previously, she was doing it at the kitchen table so that I could be there with her. Me being with her is NOT an advantage, it seems: she has to do it on her own so that she is not tempted to ask me simple words that she already knows. She's got a beautiful desk, right under a window, with a drawer full of pencils and sharpeners and the like. She needs to do her work independently - maybe this will help?

I also created a homework contract with a list of responsibilities for parents and Tessa:
---------------------
Parents:
1. Will set aside time each day for homework.
2. Will make sure you have the right tools (pencils, papers, etc.) for homework
3. Will help you to read the instructions and answer questions about the instructions prior to beginning homework.
4. Will review homework when it is completed to help you with anything you struggled with.

Tessa:
1. Will bring home homework each day that it is assigned.
2. Will do homework independently.
3. Will finish homework promptly.
4. Will bring homework back to school and turn it in.
5. Will work with Ms. Hils if she does not understand how to do the homework.
6. Will miss recess if she does not turn in the homework or does not complete it in a prompt manner.
-----------------------------
I created room for all three of our signatures, and tonight after dinner we'll go over it as a family.

I thought we'd been through all of this about 1000 times, but it is the first time I put it in writing. Will that make a difference? We will see.

Tessa thinks that I am somehow responsible for her success or failure. I am determined to be the best parent I can for her, to nurture her, but not to coddle her.

Parenting is hard! Homework is absolutely wearing me out. I thought we'd be having these battles in middle school....but apparently we're having them now.

I am determined to get this working. Determined.

P.S. Last night during her reading time Tessa read four chapters of "Mercy Watson" on her own, asking only for help with words like "absolutely" and doing the rest on her own. Why is she struggling with homework if she can read this well? I think it's discipline, not ability, or I'd feel much less frustrated. I don't care if Tessa is getting it "right," only that she works hard, and that is where she is failing.

This new plan is working!

2010-02-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

I picked up Tessa from jump rope club, and talked to her about Valentine's day, and how I had the materials to make her cards all ready. She said, "But Mommy, I have to do my homework first." Yes, that is what we had agreed on....but I didn't even have to prompt her. HURRAH!

Edited to add: she has slowed down. WAY down. Will never finish at this rate.

Well, you win some, you lose some. It's still progress. At least she's not complaining!

Behavioral improvements

2010-02-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

Since I whined and kvetched about Tessa, I should certainly state the good as well...

Yesterday, even though we had houseguests, and Tessa was distracted, she did her homework in reasonable time and without asking fifty million questions that she already knew the answers to. (I don't mind answering homework questions, I mind her trying to trick me into doing the whole thing for her.) We are really working hard to get her back on the right path, and with some success.

We have a ways to go, but the improvements make me happy. She's a wonderful girl, and I'm proud of her, and I know that this is just a bump in the road. (A tiring bump!)

Thank goodness it's Monday

2010-02-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

When I was on Facebook, I would see various people counting down until the weekend; a common sentiment, and one I usually agree with. However, this weekend I was completely overbooked with a thousand different things, big and small, and I could barely find time to breathe.

On Sunday, the most important commitment was to go and visit my Uncle Mel in the ICU in Vancouver, B.C. (Canada). He was on a ventilator, in a medically induced coma, and when we got there he looked terrible; it was very sad. The docs made the decision to remove the ventilator to see if he could now breathe on his own (because a ventilator greatly increases the risk of infection), and while they performed this procedure we couldn't be there so we went to lunch. When we got back, he was on an oxygen mask, but upright in bed! I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you too."

The rest of the weekend was a blur. Good things, but by Sunday afternoon I felt like jello only weepier. I had to cancel the last engagement of the weekend (sending Ryan and Tessa in my stead) and laid on the couch, regrouping.

And now, 'tis Monday, and a new chance to get things right. Laundry going, vacuuming completed, breakfast dishes cleaned up, and I'm sitting down to plan my week. This week, I'm going to be less hectic - that is action item number one.

(An aside: five years ago I could have handled the chaos without blinking. It makes me sadder than I can express that "normal" busyness can wipe me out so much.)

Action

2010-02-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I was helping my friend Jill with the Haiti penny drive she set up for Alki elementary, and she told me that she just felt good from taking action. I agree.

I'm trying to take action in my own life. Helping with raising money for Haiti or helping in my community, for sure, but also closer to home. Working on getting Tessa back on track behaviorly, cooking healthy meals, budgeting (and not just writing the numbers down but living by them), and the like.

Yesterday I even went running. (Ouch!)

It can be so difficult to get started, sometimes, but I am sure that it's worth it.

Action is the antidote to despair. - Joan Baez

Can I go back to bed?

2010-02-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm just thinking about all of these issues that I've been blogging and feeling really overwhelmed.

A lot of my identity is as a Mama, and when Tessa is behaving well I feel like it's a validation of my work. Yes, I know that is screwed up, because she is her own person, and my worth comes from within and not from her behavior, AND I know that her worth is not from some behavior as a child but who SHE is within....but dang, this is really hard.

So, right now, I'm not feeling like such a star in the parenting department.

Follow through

2010-02-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

This morning I met with Tessa's teacher, and then I met with the school counselor, to get ideas about how to handle my changing child. It was time to bring in the experts!

Tessa continues to drive me crazy. The worst of it is the snarkiness; the rude behavior. If she wasn't a good student, well, that is something that I could live with....but rude? Not okay. No way, no how.

I'm going to have to be a black and white parent for a while. Here's the rule, you broke it, immediate consequence, no chances. I've read about this as "brick wall parenting" - an "I said it, no discussion, just do it" kind of parenting that I'm not crazy about it, but it seems that this is where I must go for a while. Tessa is manipulating me to do whatever she wants, and she's not being reasonable about it. (When asked, "How do you think we could change your behavior?" she actually told me "You could buy me more treats and toys." Note to self: seven year olds are not reasonable.)

So, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not excited about it, but I have GOT to out-stubborn this stubborn child of mine. (She comes by it honestly; I can, at least, relate to her.) We're going to have a family meeting to present this new information, and to come up with a list of rules together, and discuss consequences for not meeting those rules. I have a plan, with her teacher, about homework....and Tessa will be missing recess if she doesn't do it.

I am going to get my sweet girl back. Tessa is an amazing child, and I'm am going to coax her best parts of her to reappear.

Parenting is hard!

Whiners' Anonymous

2010-02-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Kristina. I'm a whiner.

I am trying to gather up a good attitude today after yesterday's meltdowns (both mine and Tessa's). Fortunately, Ryan came home, and helped me to get Tessa to bed, or I'm not sure what I would have done - I wanted to hide in my own bed with the covers over my head!

Today is a new day, a fresh start.

I'm looking up information on seven year olds, and came across this website (again). It should be required reading, I think:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_byage.html
and also this page:
http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org/programs_articlesresource_ucstages.html

It wasn't my imagination; Tessa is changing, and leaving equilibrium and entering disequilibrium. I am directed to be gentle and patient in response. Oh, I'm trying....

I think I need to master the art of explaining LESS and taking firm, fast action. Removing Tessa from the situation, allowing her to vent in a corner without my interaction. "I love you. This behavior is unacceptable. When you're ready to talk, please come to me. Until then, stay here."

I'll have to work on my script, but I have to come up with a good, succinct one.

I think I'm in disequilibrium, too! Can I go to my room?

Sigh.

Tessa is coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose today...and home from school. I'm going to set up an appointment with an allergist to see if that is the deal. For such a healthy kid, she is missing a lot of school. Maybe that had something to do with yesterday, though?

Off to play dolls and read stories.

Edit:
This website is very interesting - found this article:
http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/10/02/the-seven-and-eight-year-old-realistic-expectations-last-installment-of-day-number-10-of-20-days-toward-being-a-more-mindful-mother/

Mama Whining

2010-02-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

I am about to whine. If you don't like whining (who does?) then you might not want to read this.

Still reading?

Tessa is driving me NUTS lately. I know that she is a blessing, a gift, and the greatest joy in my life. I know that children are supposed to drive their parents nuts. I know that this is some new developmental stage and will pass. I know that she's not trying to make me crazy, and that if this is the new disequilibrium then it's not working well for her, either, and it's my job to help her. I know I need to work on my patience. I know that she is a great kid, a joy, a delight, and that I am a VERY lucky Mama.

However.

However, she is getting down-right sassy, and short of locking her in the attic I am not sure what to do about it.

Today? Picked her up to take her to the doc to check out her cough and the small rash on her arm that hasn't gone away. (Cough? Nothing. Rash? Eczema. Nothing big.) The patient bench had a roll of white paper over it, and Tessa rolled, jumped, scrinkled for about 15 minutes - intentionally making lots of noise - while we waited for the doc. Finally, I said, "I can't take that sound any more - could you please stop?" Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, please stop. Here, let's look at this magazine together." Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, stop immediately. Come over here. "Skrinkle, skrinkle. "Tessa, no more warnings. " Ahhh - the doc comes in. Skrinkle, skrinkle, skrinkle. Doc talking, I can't hear because Tessa is making so much noise with the paper. "Excuse me doctor, I need to address this: Tessa, I can not hear the doctor because you are making so much noise. Stop immediately." Skrinkle, skrinkle.

I had to stop the doctor THREE TIMES because of Tessa. It's a good thing that I don't spank because I wanted to THRASH my child at that point. (Deep breaths, Mama, deep breaths.)

Leaving the office, "No doctor's office lolipop for you. Those are for good behavior, and yours was terrible." "But MAMA....."

We got in the car and I said, "I am very disappointed with you." We had A Talk.

We got home. Homework time.

Tessa has taken AN HOUR to fill in six blanks with words like "treat" and "head". Me in the kitchen making dinner, two feet from her the whole time, encouraging her. And then telling her "If you don't just DO this, I will write a note to Ms. H saying that you wouldn't do your homework and should do it at recess."

I had to go downstairs to put the wash in the dryer. I said, "Tessa, I have to put the wash in the dryer. I'll be right back, okay?" "Okay." I am at the bottom of the stairs, five seconds later, and she starts yelling. "Mama! MAMA! MAAAAMAAAAA!" This is the irritated "I want your attention" voice, not the "help me - a giant alien is in our kitchen" voice.

I ignore her. I put the wash in the dryer, and she yells the whole time.

I come upstairs, steaming. I say, "That is RUDE. I told you where I was - why did you yell for me?" She says, "I need another bean" (for counting).

I tell her that I need her to finish her homework without me, because the day has me too frustrated to help her at this moment.

So I'm here, whining.

Are you still with me? I doubt it - this isn't exactly great reading.

But what am I to do?! I want to be consistent, give logical consequences, and raise a child who is thoughtful and grateful. I want to give her what she needs, and then some (out of love). I want to give boundaries, and keep them. I want to maintain my cool, and discipline her with love and logic when it is required.

But what happens when she just stares at me blankly, and then goes back to her list of demands?

I was actually saying, "Tessa, I need you to be more considerate" and she interrupted me and demanded extra counting beans. (At which point, I bit off her head, and then went to the computer.)

Our attic is dark and dreary and cold - maybe I could lock her in there? No, I'd feel bad.

She has been such a great kid in so many ways - where did she go? What do I do to coax that version of herself back?!

I've got to go upstairs. She is walking around, which means, unless she's carrying a clipboard and pencil, she's not doing her homework.

I will be calm. I will not yell. I will take away all of her toys for the rest of her life.....no, no, bad Mama. I will come up with something....something....

Okay, I've got nothing right now.

Help!

Routines

2010-02-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

I think that I spend a good portion of my life struggling with routines. On the one hand, I love them - they get things done. On the other? Boring! Annoying! Difficult! Money, weight, housework, exercise, cooking, and spirituality all fall into this category.

When my house is dusty and my weight is climbing, I know it's time to look at my routines a little more closely - or to create more routines.

Tessa had a cavity that she had filled yesterday - her only one so far. The dentist asked me, "Does she floss regularly?" Um....floss, yes. Regularly, no. We brush twice a day, but didn't put flossing into the routine, and the consequence was an hour in a dentist's chair with Tessa's knees involuntarily pulling up to her chest. She was brave and strong and I was so proud of her. I read to her the entire time, and she clutched my hand in one of her hands, and Special Bear in the other, and she held it together well. When it was time to go to school, she burst into tears, and said, "Mama, it hurts!" I told her that if she missed school she'd miss Jumprope Club (her after school activity) and she said, "I know." So, I held her close, and we missed school

All because of a pesky 30 second routine that I ignored. (I fully recognize that it's my job to remind her to floss, and I didn't.)

I'm not beating myself up about it, but I am trying to recognize it for what it is...and make changes. What other routines and I letting slip away? What other things could I be doing to protect my "one wild and precious life"?

I have lots of things going well, but there is always room for improvement. This is my life, and I want it to be the best that it can be.

I think I'll go floss now.

Photo catchup: Chalice Lighting

2010-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

In our UU church, when a child turns seven, they have a chance to light the chalice for the first time. (To learn more about what the Unitarian Universalist chalice symbolizes, go here: http://www.uua.org/visitors/6901.shtml ). It was a really big deal to Tessa: it is her presentation to our church community, and a sign of her growing up. She's waited a long time to be seven!

Tessa wore a beautiful dress (hand me down from the Shogrens - thanks, Karen & KC!), and decorated the alter/chalice table with things of her choosing - of course, she chose American Girl dolls and horses and stuffed animals. Our beloved Director of Religious Education, Kari, helped to guide Tessa, and watched lovingly as Tessa wrote her name in the book of chalice lighters.

We celebrated with our friends...and with cake.

I love our UU community.

Photo catchup: BirthdayPalooza

2010-01-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

Sleepovers, skating party, gifts, oh my!

Photo catchup: Christmastime Part III

2010-01-29T13:21:00.000-08:00

Photo catchup: Christmastime Part II

2010-01-29T13:15:00.001-08:00

Tessa's holiday performance. She was front and center, clutching "Panama Doll" - the doll that Zoe gave her.

Photo catchup: Christmastime

2010-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

These pictures are of the early Christmas season, including a trip to Seabrook to celebrate both of my parents' birthdays.

Photo catchup: Thanksgiving

2010-01-29T13:06:00.001-08:00

Photo catchup: Fall

2010-01-29T13:01:00.001-08:00

Disequilibrium: Where is my sweet child?

2010-01-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

We have had a couple of events around here that make me wonder if Tessa has been possessed by aliens.

Yesterday, we had what I thought was a great day. In the morning I read to her in bed for a half hour before she got ready for school, and I took her to school. I made her a lunch from her "acceptable" list. I picked her up, and informed her that she would get a chance to play with her best friend for as long as she liked at the playground - they played on the monkey bars and ran around until THEY were ready to leave. After dropping off her best friend at home, we went to the library, and I read her choice of books to her (a science fiction graphic novel involving dinosaurs in space - not exactly my cup of tea but I was willing to go along with it). We came home, and I'd already prepped dinner, so I played American Girl dolls (an elaborate story involving horses and the character of Princess Ellie) with her for an hour or so.

I really was ready to nominate myself as Mother of the Day.

And then, all heck broke loose. Her bear's hat was hanging on by a thread, so I cut the thread. She screamed at me. She cried. She yelled. She slammed a door in my face. She locked herself in the bathroom. She threw things.

What the heck?

I said, "I'm sorry, I can fix the hat, and I'll sew it back on, no problem. I didn't realize how important this was to you."

More screaming, crying, stomping feet, hiding from me.

By the time I was in bed, I was completely wiped out and felt exhausted and sad. She was MEAN! I am fully aware that she loves me, and that this was just a fit, and it's what kids do sometimes...but that doesn't mean that I had to like it. I wanted to reply in kind and yell and stomp but I maintained my temper, and THAT was exhausting.

Sooooo - any advice, my cyber friends? How do I prevent, or at least lessen, future episodes? I jokingly told Ryan that if she was a teenager I'd have immediately suspected drugs (not funny, but dark humor none-the-less). Do seven year olds have a change in hormones? Is there some new cognitive leap on the horizon that her body is getting used to? Is she about to grow six inches?

Will I have to deal with this again this year?!

Tessa is capable of so much sweetness, love, wit, kindness, humor, intelligence. Last night I really missed that girl. She's mostly back today, but only after I threatened removal of privleges if she didn't shape up.

Ideas?

Unplugging

2010-01-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

I recently read "Generation A" by Douglas Coupland, and I've been thinking about it a lot in my quiet moments, finding myself mulling over various ideas in it and pondering their effects upon me.

The book is filled with dystopian visions. It's initial premise is about the demise of bees on Earth, and how that impacts humans. It's a dreadful vision (needless to say), and disturbing. It only makes me further believe that growing my own food, pesticide and herbicide free, is the way to go. Eating whole foods (not the grocery chain, the concept), treading lightly on the planet, and all that.

But more than that, it is about the disconnectedness of our society and how society is so plugged in to our videophones and iPods and computers and PDAs and video games and television and every other screen that we've become disconnected from each other, communicating in fragments and blips instead of in meaning or depth. It's about how we've become "Craigs" - people who shop and look a certain way but are lacking in depth as they pursue more, more, more. It's about how we prefer drugs to make us feel safe and secure, instead of making life changes. (Disclaimer: I take Lexapro, and as my attempts to wean have proven, I need it. I think that this is more about recreational drugs, not prescriptions for medical conditions. Thin line? You decide.)

Of all of this, the idea I keep coming back to is screen time. I have spent a lot of time on Facebook lately, reading little snippets of my friends' lives. On Facebook I have something like 260 friends, and yet many of my real life friends aren't on Facebook. As a matter of fact, if I ran into some of these Facebook friends on the street, I wouldn't recognize them. Do I even know 260 people?

Facebook isn't the culprit here - it's an interesting social tool, and it's been fun to reconnect with some people. I have an online breast cancer community, and I've learned more about them. It works for a lot of people.

But it doesn't work for me, I think.

I don't want to stay on top of 260 people's daily lives. I find it completely overwhelming, and it makes me want to shut down. Or, worse, it makes me feel like I've had social interactions, and then I don't have real interactions because I'm socialized-out. People have real tragedies, and reading about them draws me in, when I am helpless to do anything or I will become consumed by them. People have small complaints, people have minutia, people have silly joys. Me, too, by the way - I was updating regularly, so don't think that I'm excluding myself from any of this.

So, in my attempts to be mindful, and in my attempts to live consciously, I've dropped Facebook. My plan is to stay away from it for a month, and see where life takes me.

Today, life took me on a walk with Shep down to Lincoln Park. The weather is gray, but dry, and very pleasant. Shep and I both needed the exercise, so off we went.

And I left my iPod at home.

I love to listen to music, and I really enjoy podcasts. But when I'm outdoors, what would I have missed if I was plugged in? Lots of little visits with others and their dogs. More birdsongs than I can identify. The little lap, lap of the waves against the shore at high tide. The squishy sound of mud underfoot. And even my observances - instead of merely watching to make sure I didn't trip, I was really looking today - after all, what else did I have to do? I saw cormorants diving, a crow carrying something that looked too large for it to carry, crocuses (in January?!), and a sculpture of a heron about to take flight that I had never noticed before. Such small, small, small things. Nothing profound. It did not change my life, and I did not reach any brilliant conclusions about anything. I just know that it felt good, and it felt right, and I'd like more of it.

I'm unplugging more and more. I don't want to talk on my phone in the car - learning more about those dangers has me convinced. I don't want to spend my life staring at a little screen. (Irony: I'm typing on a little screen. Yes, I realize that. But it isn't that I don't EVER want to use a computer, just that I want to do it more judiciously.) I want to be outdoors more. I want more nature in my life. I want to think my own thoughts, instead of plugging in to someone elses. I want to read things that I have been carefully thought out instead of posted in a moment of "what the heck."

All this from a book. Aren't books dangerous? Ahhhh - that is my kind of danger.

Mindful

2010-01-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

My lack of blogging has gone on for a long time; I hope to break the non-blogging streak.

I'm trying very hard to be mindful. More mindful, that is. I'm trying to make positive changes in my life. I'm attempting to spend much less time online, and more time reading books. I'm attempting to be more mindful of how I eat, what I do, how I live.

The usual, only more focused.

----------------
Tessa:
Tessa is changing before my very eyes. We had "the snaggletooth" pulled at the dentist to reveal the pretty tooth behind it, and received further confirmation of future orthodontia. Like mother and father, like daughter! Her crowded teeth also have a cavity - drat.

Tessa turned seven this weekend, and also lit the chalice at church for the first time. More on that when I have a moment to download pics to show off our pretty girl.

More Gratitude

2010-01-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

I am doing my best to avoid seeing pictures of the devastation in Haiti. I simply can not shake such images out of my head, and it makes me feel so hopeless to see the despair. I saw one picture of a mother, writhing in emotional pain on the ground, as she mourned the loss of her child. In that glimpse, I was she and she was I and I shared her pain and it was hard to breathe.

The other night when Tessa was drifting off to sleep, I crawled into bed with her for a quiet snuggle. We talked about our days, giggled, whispered, and I felt the warmth of her body next to mine. I held her close and every cell in my body sent out a prayer for the people of Haiti, wishing that they could experience the same comfort.

I do have things to complain about - we all do. My wrist still hurts, especially when I over-use it, and it has a combination of burning and throbbing pains. Money is still tight. I still have nightmares about cancer, and I still bear the scars and pains and fatigue. The porch still needs replacing. And we have to drink cheap wine. (That last one added for humor. Ha.)

And the people of Haiti are quite unintentionally reminding me of my massive, amazing, incredible good fortune.

I am alive. My family is alive and well. When we are sick, we get medical care, and, miracle of miracles, we heal. We turn on the tap and water comes out every time - hot and cold, and we don't have to boil it before we drink it. The cupboards are full of food, and when they run low, we go to one of a dozen nearby stores to restock them with food. My bed is comfortable. I held a party (church potluck) and 50 people came to my house, and not one complained about inadequacies - the children laughed, the adults talked.

And our home - our lovely home. Today, I'm not seeing the rotten porch and the missing fireplace (what kind of 1923 house doesn't have a fireplace?!) and the 1970s basement. No, today I don't see that at all. I am seeing warmth, light, polished hardwood floors. I'm seeing colors chosen because they give me joy and soothe me. I'm hearing the rain beat on the windows, mixed with the sounds of Mozart on the radio. I'm gazing at hundreds and hundreds (thousands?) of books, chosen because they sounded interesting. My giant puppy is on the floor beside me, sleek and well fed and loyal; my cat refuses all but one kind of food (he's a bit of a grumpy old man sometimes) but spends each night curled at my feet. The phone rings with offers to play, to gather, to dine, to share.

In the darkest days of my life - my cancer, Ryan's depression, then my own depression - I still had this warm, comfortable home. I went to bed every night beneath soft blankets; I still had music and books and friends and family to soothe me. When my body ached beyond bearing, loving hands swooped in to care for me, my home, my family. "We're here for you," they said, and they meant it. Ryan stayed with me, Tessa kept laughing, and we remain a family, loving each other.

So today I'm thinking about all of that incredible good fortune.

The people of Haiti have lost so much already. On the radio, I heard about the contaminated drinking water, and how the silver lining is that the people of Haiti mostly already know about contaminated water and how to treat it. I saw a picture of a shantytown - the poorest of the poor, and even their shacks are gone now. I heard that most people can live three days without food and water.

And the pain of the real loss - the people. It is unbearable. All of the losses grab me, but the ones that hurt me the most are the mothers losing children. And children losing mothers. I know that those mothers love their children as much as I love Tessa, and that those children need their mothers as much as Tessa needs me. ESPECIALLY in the midst of this devastation. I think to myself that maybe I could handle it if I had Tessa beside me reminding me to care for her. Maybe. But if I lost her? My mind would leave me, too.

And the thought of Tessa, separated from Ryan and I, wandering in the streets, hungry and frightened and among corpses? No. Nononono. NO. Just writing that makes me want to fly to her school to hold her, to stroke her hair, to remind myself of her aliveness, her happiness, her safety.

And for the people of Haiti, it's not an exercise in gratitude. It is their hell on earth right now, stepping over bodies and looking for survivors and broken bones without casts and illness without antibiotics. Undoubtedly, there are cancer patients needing radiation or surgery or chemo and now they have nothing, not even water.

Here in Seattle, clean water is falling from the sky, and inside my warm home, I'm sipping peppermint tea and writing and thinking. What great luxuries. My life is one giant luxury.

My prayers for the people of Haiti. My condolences. My tears.

We sent a little check to help, and another Alki mom, Jill, convinced me (merely by mentioning it) to hold a fundraiser for Haiti involving the children of Alki Elementary. This weekend, our church is holding a soup lunch as a fundraiser for Haiti, and I am making a big pot of chili to donate to the event. (Want to come with me? Call me!)

My impact is tiny, just a drop of water in the sea of need. But I am doing what I can, and I hope that others will, too.

Listening

2010-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

I've always been a talker; my mother says that I was born that way. (And that my favorite word was "no" but that is another post.)

I'm working on being a better listener these days; maybe that is one of the reasons that my blog has been so silent. I'm listening to my body, and it says that I am tired; I'm listening to my inner voice, which reminds me to stay true; I'm trying to listen more to Ryan and Tessa and all of those in my life I care so much about.

I'm also listening to the rain fall against the windows - a soothing sound. And I'm listening to Alison Kraus crooning on the CD player, melodious and sweet.

My wrist is still hurting quite a bit; I overdid it again yesterday and the price was a burning and throbbing sensation that reminded me not to do that again. It is not broken - two sets of x-rays have confirmed that - but "just a bad sprain" and it is definitely getting better. At first I couldn't even hold anything in that hand, and now, with modifications, I can do most things....as long as I don't do too much.

Ryan is settling into his latest PwC job, another Microsoft placement, and though the work sounds interesting and promising, the commute is horrible, and he spends a lot of time on a bus. He has a good attitude about it, and I am grateful for that. This gig looks like it goes through March, so at least it's not too long. We're still hoping for placements at Seattle firms.

Tessa is, well, Tessa. She's growing, both physically and intellectually, in leaps and bounds. She's going through another round of outgrowing her clothes and eating around the clock, and she's really doing well at school. She's started reading some chapter books, and she's doing much better with her homework so that it's not like pulling teeth the way it was for the first part of this year. She's excited for her upcoming birthday - we're going ice skating with a small group of her girlfriends. She is still madly in love with her American Girl doll, and takes it with her most places (though she has to leave it at home when she goes to school). She's also in love with The Beatles - she's getting Rubber Soul and Abbey Road for her birthday, at her request.

I am really slowed down by my wrist and by fatigue, but I'm doing my usual nesting around the house, and playdates with Tessa's friends, and chaperoning field trips, and the like.

One of the biggest pieces of excitement on our horizon is that our church, West Side Unitarian Universalist, is trying to buy their (our) own building. There is a very promising property, and the church is in negotiations, and in the middle of a giant capital campaign to raise funds. Our current space is rented, and it barely works for us - there are no windows, no classrooms...it is not a very worshipful space and it doesn't accomodate families well at all. The new building is in a 1950s church previously owned by the Baptists, and it has big windows, some of which have views of the Sound, and some of which have pretty stained glass. It has real church pews instead of folding chairs, and, glory of glories, actual classrooms and meeting spaces. I hate that Ryan and I don't have much money to spare (this is where, once again, I say "I HATE CANCER DEBT!") to help the cause, but we will help in as many ways as we can. In addition to being a place where we worship on Sundays, our church has become an important part of our community. Tessa has "adoptive" Grandparents there, Lois and Creighton, who dote on her almost as much as she dotes on them; I have found friends of my own, too. Ryan is involved with the Habitat for Humanity project, I'm involved with Family Promise. We can't wait to host Family Promise in our own space, to hold town meetings there, to gather together to play and laugh and drink coffee and potluck. Tessa has lots of friends there, and it makes me smile to see the kids running around and laughing together, and I hope that she will grow up with these children.

I also have an image of Tessa, on Ryan's arm, walking down the aisle in a long white dress in this building.

Only time will tell, but I am hopeful.

So our days go by, and we are busy, and grateful for our lives. Last night I crawled into bed with Tessa and snuggled and laughed with her, talking past her bedtime, and as I held her I felt my whole body give out a prayer for the families of Haiti. I complain - wrists, debt, broken dishwasher, the usual - but my life is rich and blessed and I am grateful. I wish that everyone was so lucky.

wrist

2010-01-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have an appt on Thurs with a hand specialist. OUCH is all I can say now!

Practicing a good attitude

2010-01-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Tessa and I went ice skating - so much fun! I was having a ton of fun until I went too fast and lost control and fell backwards (I think I must have looked like a cartoon character at that moment), landing full on my right wrist. OUCH. Actually, I'm proud that I called out "ouch" and not some less child-friendly word because it really hurt.

I've been icing it and I got a wrist brace to wear, too, which protects it from bumps and holds it steady. It really, really, really hurts. (I can't say that enough - i'm feeling quite sorry for myself ont hat front.) I took two oxycodone left over from another operation and it is still a sharp pain and I can't pick anything up with that hand. I am wearing a simple dress today that pulls over my head becasue I could not button my own jeans.

Obviously, this has some challenges.

I will go to the doctor tomorrow for an xray and suspect that I have a broken wrist - online searching says that is probably the case, and a doctor friend at church suspects that too. Whatever it is, it isn't good.

But it will be okay.

A broken wrist isn't ideal, of course, but it's okay. It's not permanent. It won't try to kill me. It won't require poisoning or burning my body to cure it. It IS curable. It does not change how much my family lvoes me, or how comfortable our home is, or how mcuh I enjoy my friends. It does not mess with my family, threaten Tessa's childhood or my marriage.

A wrist is just a wrist.

It hurts a lot, but pain is just pain. Oxycodone is my friend. I will take care of this and deal with it, and I promise that I will complain about it until you beg me to be quiet. But I am so grateful to have a normal problem - I fell while ice skating. Nothing more or less.

Maybe this is a chance for down time. And wearing yoga pants for weeks on end. Namaste!

Winding down, gearing up

2009-12-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

Winding down the year now - Christmas has come and gone, and it was lovely. Family, friends, church, the delight in Tessa's eyes. I've learned a lot about American Girl dolls, but first and foremost is the information that Tessa's is named Maya and she's "the best gift ever." Thanks, Santa!

Today I spoke at church, reflecting on the year behind, the year ahead. It was difficult to speak about the tumultuousness of "the scare" but joyful to talk about my conclusion: it is a good thing simply to be alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLgLfD3wElQ

The tree is down, though the stockings and lights are still up. We're getting ready to visit family and friends in Portland for a couple of days.

Winding down a long year....gearing up for a new year.

Zoom

2009-12-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

Life continues to zoom by, even when I'm moving slowly.

I've had lots of questions about my blog, and why I'm not writing much, and I don't have "real" answers. I think it just boils down to being busy.

And tired.

I can never seem to get caught up with my fatigue. One late night really exhausts me for days; normal activity tires me out. I don't really understand it, so I can't fully explain it. As the Beatles sang, "I'm not the man I used to be." Woman. Whatever.

Studies show that about 30% of cancer survivors suffer long term fatigue, or chemo brain. I have both, and it is a "new normal" that requires some adjustments that I'm still learning to make. My attention span is shorter, I'm easily tired, and my brain feels like it has to work a lot harder at simple things.

I don't think I'm complaining, just explaining. Four and a half years after my diagnosis, I thought I'd be SO far past all of this, and I'm not. I think that it has a lot to do with the extremeties of my treatment: the chemo, of course, but also the deep burns, the number of surgeries, the number of complications, the extended use of cancer drugs, the utter loss of estrogen (surgically and chemically).

I do not regret my cancer treatment choices. I did the best I could with the information that I had at the time, and if I had to do it all again, most likely, I would. But I had no way of predicting the price it would extract from me. The price is heavy.

I am thinking about these things a lot lately, and I have a lot more thinking to do. I am not me, I'm someone else. I am trying to learn, to adapt, to change to that new circumstance.

But life is good, even with negative changes. Tessa is doing well at school, and I'm so proud not just of her learning but of the way she's learning to be a hard worker and do her homework and things like that. She is a wonderful daughter, and I am blessed. Ryan's job is going well, and he's going to take a couple weeks of vacation over the holidays - hurrah. We're looking forward to a quiet yet festive Christmas - family, food, relaxation. We have cut back a ton, and we are not in a position to give many gifts this year (we are determined to get that "cancer debt" under control!) but still, that is okay. We look forward to time with friends and family, playing in the snow at Snoqualmie, a short trip to Portland to see Mom & Dad Surface, and of course, watching Tessa's eyes light up on Christmas morning.

It's a wonderful life. Not the life I'd planned, but a wonderful life. I "get" that movie more than ever these days.

We aren't sending Christmas cards this year, so I'll do a "Christmas card post." Soon. :-)

Now, where was I?

2009-11-14T09:09:00.000-08:00

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.~Henry David Thoreau

I do not exactly know why I haven't blogged in ages - this is my longest blogging break since beginning to blog - but I do know that life has been busy and I've been hunting down my marrow. I can't tell you that I've reached any grand conclusions, or that I have anything in particular figured out, just that I'm nesting, trying to care for my actual nest (home), body, and soul. I'm trying to figure out how to cram in as much joy and depth as possible, while still living simply...without rushing. I have a feeling that this is a goal I will never reach, but I will continue to reach in the general direction.

I suppose my biggest change since my blog break is that I re-joined Weight Watchers. I've been on it for almost two weeks, I've dropped a few pounds, and I feel VERY happy about the direction I'm headed. One day, I just woke up and realized I'd had enough. I took Shep for a long walk through Lincoln Park, and I sort of meditated on the problem of size and health. By the end of my walk, I knew what I needed to do. Of course, I knew all along, but somehow, I just felt settled in the decision, and committed. I am not too worried about losing the weight, because I've done it before and I have faith in my ability to do it again, but I am very concerned about keeping it off. One step at a time; I am up for the challenge. I am trying to live in the present moment....but I'm fantasizing about what I'll look like six or twelve weeks from now.

Fall always makes me want to clean house - much more than spring, when all I want to do is be outdoors. This year, I'm cleaning mentally and physically, and Weight Watchers is part of that for me. I'm also on a rampage to get rid of stuff - anything that's cluttering my life, including old paperwork, weight, Tessa's old toys, clothes, any anything else that isn't either functional or beautiful. I've been striving to declutter the surfaces of our home, and doing so makes me feel more rested within myself.

Speaking of rested, I'm not. I'm tired, pretty much always. I'm trying to learn to adapt to this version of myself, and though it's frustrating, I think I'm learning to slow down.

I am getting very excited about the holidays, as usual. This year, most of the Surface clan - 16 of us total - is gathering at our house for Thanksgiving, and I've started putting together recipes and making a plan for that week. I can't wait to have our house filled to bursting, with the chaos of so many people talking and laughing and eating. Usually I do the holidays in a formal style, but this year I'm going to try a buffet, casual style that is more relaxed. Ryan is very happy about the prospect of avoiding hours hand washing china and crystal, too. (I have to have it for Christmas...but that is a smaller crowd so easier.) Our out of town relatives are coming just for the day, so we won't have any houseguests this year. I actually love having houseguests, but it will also be nice to wake up the day after Thanksgiving and have "nothing to do." (We do plan to go to the holiday parade downtown, though.)

Tessa is well, Ryan is well, and I am well. Busy with life, but well. I have some wishes out in the universe right now, and I'll let you know if they come true for our family...time will tell. But I am grateful for health, grateful for family and friends, and life is good.

Life

2009-10-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive, and I still revel in that fact. My recent scare ("trauma" would be a better word!) has changed me. I've always found joy in life, but right now, I'm seeing more clearly than ever before. My life is a gift, and I am so grateful.

Our family is trying to truly buckle down - still, or more - on expenses so that we can pay off cancer-debt. No more meals out, no more take-out. Ryan is bringing his lunch every day instead of just sometimes, and I am cooking dinner every single night. We're eating vegetarian about 50% of the time (but even then, we eat cheese and/or eggs....we're not even close to vegan). I'm getting better at finding coupons for the types of things we buy, and I'm remembering to use them. It's all a lot of work, and requires a lot more planning and persistance, but it's working, and I'm proud of us. In the past year or two, I think I've cut our grocery bill in half, and I've cut our waste significantly as well (yes, the two are related).

I can't remember the last time I went to Target. Funny, I don't miss it at all! We have what we need, and a lot more than that. When I do need something, I'm much better at getting that thing, and not throwing other stuff in my cart.

It's not all fun and games. The school and church auctions are coming up, and we won't be able to contribute much. It would be lovely to take some nice vacations. And most of all, our front porch is in desperate need of work.

Cancer debt is depressing, especially because it keeps growing (this latest business is going to cost us thousands....sigh). We still owe my parents, and how I wish we could write them a fat check to apply towards rebuilding their house: I'd love to buy their granite counters, or some other upgrade....

But it's okay. It's all okay.

Over the last couple of nights, our family watched the Kit "American Girl" movie (from the library). It was another reminder about how lucky we are - we're giving to soup kitchens, not eating at them. Our futures look bright.

This weekend, we're headed to Marisa's cabin for some R&R. Halloween is coming up, and our family attends a party that we just love (in addition to trick or treating with neighbors). Family is coming for Thanksgiving, and we're excited for that. And Christmas? I haven't even thought about it yet, but I love the holidays.

Tessa is growing in leaps and bounds at school. She's been struggling with her reading, but I see her catching up, and her ability to do homework is extraordinary. Our whole family has had to adjust to it - every night she has three or so worksheets, plus spelling/sight words. At the beginning of the school year she cried and complained and whined "I can't! It's too hard!" but last night she happily brought it to the kitchen table as I was prepping dinner and said, "I like homework!" We're finding our routine, and it's working well.

I'm working on the book, and making progress. I hope that my boss doesn't hate me for being so far behind, but I'm catching up and hopeful that I can turn it into what it ought to be. Ryan is helping out more at home so that I can focus on the book, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm counting my blessings. I am grateful for the bounty of my life, and trying to see things with perspective. I am a lucky woman.

The Great Recession

2009-10-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm making dinner and listening to NPR commentary about the recession, the job market, and the economy in general. There was just a prediction that it may take until 2017 to recover all of the lost jobs.

WHAT?! I thought that a couple more years sounded harsh, but that is a very long time.

For those who have lost jobs and not been able to recover them, these are frightening times.

Tessa and I have been reading the American Girl story of Kit in the Great Depression (1934), and we're finding an awful lot of parallels. We're also reading "Little House on Plum Creek," the fourth in the "Little House on the Prairie" series, and we just finished the chapter where the grasshopper cloud came down on the wheat a week before harvest time, and completely destroyed the Ingalls' crop, and they owe money to the bank for their new house, and Pa's boots have holes in them and now they don't even have food. Bank collapse or grasshoppers, financial instability is anything but new. It seems that today's problems are old tales, that these stories have been around forever, but I have to say I honestly didn't see it coming. That makes me blind, I think.

Such large changes in the world are bringing about smaller changes in my world.

Tonight there is soccer after school, and then there is a PTA meeting tonight. (Oh my goodness - look at my life!) We will only have about an hour in between, and it would be so appealing to go out to dinner. Instead, I made vegetable soup in the crock pot, and Beth is bringing some bread, and we'll have dinner waiting for us after soccer. A few years ago in a similar circumstance I would have gone out to eat, no question, and not thought much about the money. But now we think about money frequently. I was going to make squash soup, but I had some leftover tomatoes that I needed to use, so vegetable soup it is tonight; squash keeps longer than fresh tomatoes.

And somehow, it is okay. I hope my soup tastes good (fresh kale, celery, carrots, zuchinni and cranberry beans from the market; onions from my garden; herbs from my garden and Sarah's; we'll top it with shavings of parmesan cheese), and I know it's healthier than what I would eat if I went out. Dinner will be waiting for Ryan, hot when he gets home. I saved some leftover kale and celery tops in an old yogurt container, and stuck them in the freezer for next time I make soup stock. The rest of the vegetable scraps went into the worm bin, where they will turn into rich compost for my garden next year. We eat a lot more vegetarian meals than we used to - we've changed from maybe 5% vegetarian to 50% vegetarian, and our pocketbooks are helped, and so is our health (hopefully). The environment probably appreciates the break, too.

I'm not wasting nearly as much as I used to - even vegetable scraps go to good use. I can't - our medical bills still stink and they keep coming in. (This latest episode will likely cost us a couple thousand out of pocket, which is MUCH less than insurance will pay, but still hurts.) But right now, I feel like I'm in good company. My friends don't mind coming over for a simple vegetable soup, and nobody seems to mind when I say that I'm watching my money and can't do some activity (and offer a cheaper alternative.) People know that times are hard, and it seems like there is a lot less pressure to do things in a grand style.

But these simple styles are really, really appealing to me. I love the green aspects, I love the slower aspects, and I love the healthier aspects.

I wouldn't wish this economy on anyone, but we're doing okay. We feel broke most of the time, but it is a good, good, good life. We are very fortunate.

Vegetable soup on a cold day, friends, activities. Our bank account looks crummy (bah.), but somehow, it will all work out. The Depression ended eventually; Laura Ingalls went on to write all those books. The story isn't done.

Gratitude

2009-10-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today Lida and I went back to Olympus Spa. We soaked, we talked, we read, we roasted, and we froze. I meditated for a little while.

It felt like playing hooky! Well, it was playing hooky, because my house is a mess and the breakfast dishes are in the sink. Ah, well, it was worth it.

I have some thoughts about breast cancer awareness month and a number of things....but right now I think it's time to do chores.

Floating

2009-09-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder when the floating, euphoric sensation will stop? Right now, I am so very attuned to the joys of my days. Last night some friends came for dinner, and the food was so good (potluck) that it gave me a little thrill; this morning, we walked to C&P and my tea* tasted nothing short of spectacular, and running into friends was a particular treat. Today we are Maisy-sitting (Maisy is a labradoodle puppy) and watching Shep and Maisy tear around the back yard together, full of doggy mischief and fun, makes me giggle.

Tessa has back to back birthday parties to attend today. The first is a "sporty" theme, and she's wearing a little tennis skort and work out top with a sassy pony tail and a pair of running shoes. The afternoon party is a "fancy" theme, and she's wearing a long white princess dress, crown, etc. Ryan is taking Tessa to the first party, and I'm attending the second party. What joy that our lives are filled with friends, celebrations, and fun.

Tomorrow I will get to stand up in front of the congregation and share my joy. I'll bet that I'll cry, and I don't care. And in the afternoon we're going to Tessa's second soccer game, and the grownups will stand on the sidelines and cheer and chat (fortunately, it's a GREAT group of parents - people are just genuinely happy to see their kids trying, and it's not one of those sideline groups that makes people cringe to watch).

I hope that I can keep this feeling a long, long time.

*I'm cutting back on my coffee. A cup or two a day, but not the insane quantities that I had been consuming. I had coffee before we decided to go to C&P, and hence the tea.

The bliss of a normal life

2009-09-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am still riding high. I actually feel high, without the help of drugs. (My apologies to friends who saw me on "percocet afternoon" - I think for a while there I was talking twice my normal (fast) speed!)

My neck still reminds me that I've had recent surgery, but it is almost a pleasure to feel the small pain, not because I am a masochist but because it reminds me how close I came to losing it all (or so it felt).

Several friends and family members have now confided to me how worried they were, and how intense their emotions have been through this. I have been blessed by tears by many, upon hearing my good news. I am filled with joy and gratitude that there are those who care so much about me, who will me to be well.

And today I'm doing tons of usually tiresome chores. Okay, my chores - laundry, mow lawn, vacuum, etc. - are still tiresome, but today there is a difference. Today I am living in the moment, relishing the small pleasures. A clean floor, a drawer with things lined just so, the books in Tessa's bookcase all lined up beside one another. Look at my life! I have drawers full of useful things, I have a home often filled with laughter and sometimes shared tears (both are important, I think), I have food in my belly, a dog who follows me with love in his eyes.

Tonight a few friends are coming for a potluck. I will sit in my small, ordinary back yard, a glass of wine in hand, and laugh with them, and help with our collection of children, and feel Ryan's arm around my shoulders, and I will know that I am rich. I will know that it is heaven, that I am blessed, and that life is filled with so much joy.

Pain, too. Yes, there is a lot of pain. I know that. But I don't want to lose sight of how much joy there is, too.

Have a wonderful, joy filled weekend, my friends. May you feel joy in the mundane, and find beauty in the small things. Remember that it can all be taken away in a moment, but instead of dwelling in that terror, remind yourself that you are here, now, and that fact alone is beautiful. Visit me in this place...come live with me here, reveling in our lives.

With love,
Kristina

A normal day

2009-09-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

I'm just about to wake Tessa up from her slumbers; Ryan is on a bus somewhere on the way to work. I'm wearing my workout clothes in anticipation of a walk/jog along Alki with Shep. It's Sarah's birthday, and I'm baking a cake today for her.

It is a good, good, good life. Warts and all.

My best life

2009-09-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

If you got a second (third, fourth, fiftieth) chance at life, what would you do? What would you change? What would you keep?

I have a lot of thinking to do. I have been granted a new chance to be alive, and I could not be more grateful. I will not waste my life, and I will not take it for granted.

MORE benign news!

2009-09-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

This day keeps getting better.

Just got off the phone with Dr. Rinn, who just got off the phone with the pathologist. The nodes are so absolutely normal that they are not doing further testing - NO signs of lymphoma.

Benign all the way!

It is time to celebrate. :-)

Initial results: BENIGN!

2009-09-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

My lovely onc called.

Initial results are in: BENIGN for breast cancer.

Oh I can not tell you the level of relief....I have been so scared.

We're waiting to hear if there will be further pathology for lymphoma but this is GREAT news and we will take whatever comes after it.

Thank you for your love, support, and prayers through all of this.

I'm shaking with relief, giddy and nervous and excited....

Making an effort

2009-09-23T07:47:00.001-07:00

The past couple days I haven't done a thing - mostly just laid in bed. Today, I'm attempting to be up and at'em. I'm showered and dressed, Tessa's oatmeal is cooking, and I'm going to try to get through the whole day in a somewhat normal fashion.

I took the clear plastic (Tegaderm?) bandage off my neck, and I'm glad I did. It looks like I was having an allergic reaction to it - I have one blister, and the whole area is red. OUCH. I'm keeping an eye on it, and I'll call the doc today. (A good chance to pester him about results, anyway.)

So, off I go to greet the day. Still hoping, wishing, praying for good results....

Waiting for answers

2009-09-22T12:47:00.001-07:00

This morning, Tessa snuggled up to me and said, "Mommy, when are you going to stop having surgeries?"

I still don't know. Please please let me be done, let me be healthy, let me have a long life...

Recovering

2009-09-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I slept soundly from 10-12, and then I was awake all night, with only minutes of sleep here and there. Why? I have no idea! I am so tired that the fatigue is like a cloak of achiness draped over me - why couldn't I sleep? Tonight I will take an Ambien to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Ryan is getting Tessa ready; Laurie is giving her a ride to school. I'm in bed.

Recovery is not as much fun as being fully recovered.

Edited to add:
Tessa is off to school, Ryan is off to work. I'm going to hunker down all day and just enjoy the stillness. I'm in bed with a cat at my feet and a dog at the floor beside me. It is time to rest. My neck really hurts and is showing some bruising...I'm moving really, really slowly.

Ouch

2009-09-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

My neck hurts. No surprise there, I know.

I still feel hopeful. Physically uncomfortable....but hopeful.

Post surgery update

2009-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am home from the hospital, right on schedule; I've already had lunch. (I was craving won ton soup from Lee's - good healthy comfort food.)

The surgery went well. The surgeon removed two nodes from the right side of my neck, and the frozen section did not appear to be cancerous....but as the surgeon quipped, "the tissue is the issue" and only a full pathology will report actual results. The surgeon said that he is cautiously optimistic.

I'm still on pain meds, but doing okay on that front. I feel far from normal, but I don't feel terrible.

Thanks for your continued love and prayers.

Scared

2009-09-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have done my chores.

I have cheered Tessa's soccer team.

I have done my best to be positive.

And now I'm scared. So frightened.

Preparing

2009-09-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a trip to the Olympus Spa in Lynnwood with girlfriends to celebrate my 40th birthday. It was, indeed, an incredible celebration....but it was also a good way to prepare for tomorrow.

The spa is not like other spas I've been to. This one is a Korean spa, and uses traditional Korean ideas. It is a series of pools and rooms, all in different temperatures, and with different elements. The areas range from swelteringly hot to freezing cold, with everything in between. The rooms have different elements: jade, mud, charcoal, sand, salt - and these elements are supposed to help with different bodily or emotional cares. It is women only, and women walk around either in a light robe provided by the spa, or are naked in the pools.

I wasn't sure how the naked part would be for me. In addition to concerns about belly fat and cellulite and other "normal" thoughts about my body, I have such a tortured body, with the most obvious part being that I do not have nipples. Would I get stared at? Would I get pulled into conversations about breast cancer and how "my grandma died of breast cancer" and such? Would I be told that if I had just eaten more soy or less soy or something that I wouldn't have gotten cancer in the first place?

None of the above. Though the spa is very open, people maintain a sense of privacy. Anyone who caught my eye gave me a slight smile and looked away. Only one woman saw me and then, perhaps unconsciously, flew her own hands up to her breasts, covering them as if to protect them.

My girlfriends stood by my side, proud and strong. And frankly? With them around, I wouldn't mess with me. I know some amazing, powerful, centered, spiritual, articulate, intelligent women, and I would not mess with them. I felt strength with them by my side.

...and then those thoughts went away, and despite it all, I lost all sense of my body, and just threw myself into it. Many of the rooms are silent, and women softly slip in or tiptoe out, but mostly there is just silence. There is a meditation room, and a room with journals to write in, and a reading room, but most of the other rooms are designed just for laying down.

I warmed my body, cooled my body; I soaked my body, I dried it out. I drank gallons of water and tea. I shared the company of my friends, and watched them let some of their cares and worries drift away. I inhaled ancient herbs, and I read a silly magazine.

But I can't describe any of it. All these words don't come even close. The coccoon of the spa, the power of the women in it, just filled me with peacefulness and centeredness. What an incredible gift.

I got one other unexpected gift, thanks to Jenny, one of the friends I met while teaching at BHS. Jenny went into the super-cold pool - the one I'd dipped my toe into and said, "NO WAY!" because it was so cold - and had such a smile as she did it. I offered her some question like "Are you crazy?" and she explained that the heat followed by the cool felt so soothing. Soothing? How do you get to that? She said that she relied on her childbirth teachings, and went towards the cold instead of shrinking from it, and that she embraced it by breathing deeply. Ohhhh - old lessons that I had forgotten. With this reminder, I inhaled, set feet in the pool, and exhaled. I walked in, still breathing deeply, up to my neck. I submerged myself under the waterfall, my body surrounded by the cold water. It was incredible! It was like summoning my center, reminding myself of my own strength, reminding myself how much control I really did have over my body. I was not a victim, I was a powerhouse. For this reminder, I am deeply, deeply grateful. I don't have to remind anyone reading this how fortunate that reminder is this weekend, as I face what is ahead.

(Yes, I'll go back. Wanna come? And really, set aside your body worries. There are women of every size, shape, age, and color. To me, they were all beautiful - from the gaunt to the round, from young to old, from milky white to ebony black, from smooth to wrinkled. I envied each and every one of them those two circles on their chests - brown or pink, large or small, pronounced or hidden - and thought how beautiful health was.)

So today I will try to take that with me into the coming week. I am less concerned about surgery - although let's face it I'm not looking forward to it - and more about results. I've played out every possible scenerio in my head, including some morbid ones that I won't get into. But I am determined to face my life head on, whatever my life gives me. (Thank you, Lisa Prisco, for teaching me about that.)

I will continue freaking out, but I've got some calm mixed in, too. Today I will do chores like change the sheets, stock some groceries, tidy things up....but really, I think I am prepared for tomorrow's surgery.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, wishes, prayers, white light, karma, and love.

Picking up the pieces

2009-09-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

Tessa fell apart this morning, and I don't blame her. What a week this has been. Today I'm realizing how messy our house is, and how disorganized I am, and how far behind I am. I'm scrambling to get some semblance of order back into my head, and then into our lives.

We will have a quiet evening at home....that ought to help.

Optimism

2009-09-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

PollyAnna is showing her face again.

I feel so much more optimistic today, so much more hopeful.

When "Auntie" Carolyn was here, she gave Tessa a horseshoe necklace that Tessa wears almost all the time. Yesterday, Tessa told me that if I wore it, the cancer wouldn't come back, and she put it on me. (sniff, sob - so sweet)

I woke up feeling like the cancer is gone.

I don't believe in magic necklaces, though I do believe in Tessa's own special magic. I just feel better about this whole disaster today than I did before.

Quick check in

2009-09-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

I met with the neck surgeon, who specializes in neck oncology. I also had a good chat with my oncologist.

If this is breast cancer, it is a very unusual presentation, not at all the norm. Possible, but unusual.

The node on my neck is palpable, subcutaneous. It is the one with the highest amount of uptake (eg greatest risk) and also the most accessible one, so the obvious choice for a biopsy. I am scheduled for surgical biopsy on Monday, checking in at 6:30am, coming home by noon.

The neck surgeon thinks it's 50/50 whether it's malignant or benign. No questions what I am hoping and praying for.

I probably won't have any sort of result for a few days after surgery, though you may be certain I'll be pestering all of my doctors.

On another note....
Thank you to Susan for driving me to my appt and taking notes today.
Thank you to Heather, Natasha, Steve, Sarah, Michele, Tracy (and assorted youngsters) for meeting me for a birthday lunch and making me feel special.
Thank you to my parents for coming over tonight to take the family out to dinner.
Thank you Sarah for making my birthday cake.
Thank you Beth for driving Tessa to school.
Thank you for phone calls, cards, flowers, and gifts. (Wow!)

I am a blessed woman. I'm just greedy, and I want to stick around another 60 years to enjoy those blessings.

xoxox

Carpe diem

2009-09-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sure, I will start my birthday with a trip to a surgeon to discuss breast cancer and lymphoma possibilities....

But the rest of the day will belong to me.

I am so grateful for my life, my family, my friends.

If I need to fight cancer again, I will do it. I will fight harder than ever. Sure, it's a terrible fight, but the victory is worth it. I am prepared to fight harder than ever before if called to do so.

Or maybe it will be nothing. Wouldn't THAT be a gift?

Today I will celebrate my life with friends and family. And I will take it one day at a time.

Now, off to wake the girl!

Medical limbo and birthdays

2009-09-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

I have really, really been looking forward to my birthday. Forty is a big milestone for me - for anyone - that seems even bigger given the cancer business.

I was just so sure that this nasty business would be over by now, instead it seems worse than ever.

I am four years, three months, and fifteen days out from my diagnosis. Those are four years, three months, and fifteen days that I am SO grateful for. Every day is precious to me, even the days that suck.

And let's face it, today has sucked.

Tomorrow morning I will meet with a neck surgeon to do a pre-op visit - number eleven, here I come. It will be a day surgery, but general anesthesia. My current understanding is that the surgery will be Monday, and I pray that I will have results soon after.

This is all pretty surreal.

I've done just a little bit of Googling, and it seems like many kinds of lymphoma are highly treatable with long life expectancies. Frankly, it sounds preferable to breast cancer right now, but I very well could regret saying that. "Nothing" sounds best of all, of course.

But back to the surreal part.

I am supposed to be celebrating my birthday, preparing for parties, laughing with friends. Instead, I am wearing the same sweatpants and t-shirt that I wore to my PET and CT scans yesterday, and I'm freaking out. I've been hibernatinig with the TV (and Susan) all day, trying to avoid thinking too much. Friends have sent notes, flowers, and chocolates; Sarah brought lunch.

But it's surreal. I think that I'm reliving my first diagnosis. I can taste the fear - still cold, still metallic. I can start to plan how the next few months will go. Will I be bald at Christmas, or am I just being overly dramatic?

I have lots of questions for my new surgeon tomorrow. Are the nodes in a chain? How big are they?

Tomorrow, aside from the appointment with the surgeon, I will attempt to have a good day. It's Tessa's first soccer practice. My parents are taking Ryan, Tessa, and I to dinner.

Damn, this sucks.

Prayers, Please

2009-09-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

Well, my fears are through the roof right now and I'm asking for your thoughts, prayers, white light, karma, love - whatever you have to offer.

Today I got a call from my surgeon to tell me the results of my PET scan. Seven nodes "lit up" - in the breast area and up into my neck. This could be the result of breast cancer, lymphoma, or "nothing." I have an appointment tomorrow at 10:30am (on my 40th birthday!) with a neck surgeon as a pre-op appointment for surgery on Monday to remove node(s). The surgery will be a day-surgery, but under general anesthesia. I'll know more about that tomorrow.

Susan left work to be with me. Sarah is bringing lunch. Beth drove Tessa to school and Katie is picking her up. Heather has provided dinner. Michele has invited us to dinner. I am surrounded by blessings, and I'm grateful.

My friends, I am so, so, so scared. Thank you for your continued good thoughts.

PET scan update

2009-09-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

Needles full of radioactive contrast, drinks full of frothy nastiness. Ativan is vying for my affection, but Heather helped to keep me sane. Together they were a good pair.

Now my head is full of fuzziness and I'm trying not to think too much about the next results. At earliest I'll hear tomorrow.

Until then...wait.

Breathe in, breathe out

2009-09-11T13:09:00.001-07:00

When I breathe in, I breathe in peace;
When I breathe out, I breathe out love.

So goes one of my favorite UU hymns.

Today I am feeling better than I did yesterday, and that's good, because yesterday I felt horrible. I am finding this round of testing really difficult and overwhelming, but I feel like I'm coming out of that a big fog.

I am hoping that the PET is actually perfect for me. I am hoping that it doesn't show any kind of cancer symptom(s), and that I will not require further testing or surgery.

I'm trying not to think about Monday. I have to fast on Sunday, and Monday I'm only allowed water before the test. I got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds to help me through, and I have a friend to drive me.

One day at a time. Maybe by my birthday (Wednesday) the nightmare will be over and the sun will shine?

And the answer is...

2009-09-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

...I dunno.

They took my blood pressure at the doc - 164/94. Holy smokes. It's "situational" as usually my BP is around 112-120/70-80, but I could FEEL my blood in my veins I was so stressed out. (They were more amused than worried - at normal appts I really am fine.)

We discussed it all. In the end, one more test - a PET scan.
http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/testing/types/pet.jsp
Hopefully it will give us a definitive answer. Wouldn't it be great if I could avoid surgery?

I am EXHAUSTED by all of this.

PET is Monday. Fasting prior to the scan....fun fun.

Thanks for caring, everyone.

Trying to remain calm

2009-09-10T10:49:00.001-07:00

Now that Tessa is (happily) at school, fear is making itself known. I took Shep for a walk this morning along Alki, and stopped mid-way to meditate along the sea wall. I'm listening to calming music. I am trying very hard to remain calm.

Because without a lot of effort, I feel like I could have a panic attack.

Several lovely and loving friends offered to come with me today to my 3:15 appointment, and at the last minute I did accept Sarah's offer because she can bring her baby with her and doesn't need to take time off work. THANK YOU Heather & Lori for also volunteering.

So I'm just going to keep distracting myself, and try not to throw up.

Please pray that I will make the right decision about surgery (or not), and that I will find peace in that decision. And whatever happens, please pray that the cancer isn't back.

I will update when I have more info.

Highs and lows

2009-09-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

High:
Today was Tessa's first day of first grade, and it was a smashing success. She loved just about everything about it, from the teacher to the reading nook (filled with stuffed animals) to the new principal to all of her classmates to the activities (self portraits, writers' workshop, story time). Her new teacher is known for being strict, but she is equally known for being warm and kind. This is an exactly what I think Tessa needs, and I believe she'll thrive in this environment.

Lows:
Tomorrow I meet with a surgeon to discuss my swollen lymph nodes and to decide whether it is worth surgically removing them. I am hoping and praying that I walk away tomorrow with a strong sense of the right path, whether that is surgery or not. The uncertainty is torturous. So is surgery, of course, but my fear is that if I leave the nodes in then I will continue with sleeplessness and fear for months. I do not know what I "should" do and I hope that the good doctor will help me to choose the right path.

Tonight I feel sick to my stomach (literally) worrying, and sad because I am not able to just revel in the day's successes. Hopefully by tomorrow night I will feel calmer.

Raining

2009-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

At this time of year, I love the rain - the sound of it, and particularly the smell of it. It washes away the accumulated dust of summer and refreshes. It sends me back indoors to cups of steaming tea and good books and soft throw blankets and quiet music and family board games. It feels rich and lush on my skin, and on the dry grass.

But it also feels appropriately gray. I never met Lisa in person, but I am grieving.

I am struggling with my own medical situation, too. Next week I need to decide, with the help of my surgeon, whether to undergo surgery again. I am struggling with the idea that I might have cancer again. I am not sleeping well; I have a hard time falling asleep and then I wake up in the middle of the night and lie there, restless and slightly scared. My sleep is fitful. What is my life bringing me next? Am I strong enough to handle another hit? How can I protect my family from the pain that comes with such a hit? How can I stop from going insane in the process?

I am still praying that it is nothing, of course. But part of the struggle is accepting that this is my path for the rest of my life: there will be tests, and there will be fear, and there will be waiting. Never again will I be normal, never again will I be innocent. My knowledge carries a heavy
price.

Praying that it is nothing.

And trying to live my life fully, and not just crawl into bed for the next week.

I remain very focused on my efforts to cook sustainable, local, seasonal, healthy food. We eat tomatoes with every meal right now; last night I brought bruschetta to my girls' night in potluck with friends; today, I'll make that again or maybe switch up to insalate caprese. Katie gave me more plums, and I'm in the middle of making jam - "real" jam, not the freezer variety - for the first time. (Thanks to Kathleen for giving me her canning stuff.) If it wasn't raining today I'd hoped to pick blackberries for more jam.

Yesterday Tessa and I went downtown with friends to SAM and the water taxi and the Pike Place donut shop (I didn't eat any donuts - yay me).

Today we're having some friends over for an end of summer BBQ....indoors, apparently, because of the rain.

Next week, Tessa begins school. We've got her school supplies (with horse pictures on them) and her backpack (with a horse on it) and her new clothes (mostly with horse motifs).

I'm moving my herbs out of pots and into the ground, so that they will be in the front of the house and have a chance to grow more.

It takes effort to do these fun things, or these chores, because there is a big part of me that wants to curl up in a ball and cry "I'm so scared, I'm so scared."

On Thursday I hope to have the surgery/no surgery decision. Most of all, I hope to find peace.

I'm glad there is church tomorrow.

Loss

2009-09-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before that someone I "know" on the YSC was dying, and that I struggle with that.

Today, Lisa died.

She was a mentor, a bright light, a wise voice in the darkness. I miss her already.

Sbe shared this song as a favorite, and it speaks to how I'm feeling now.
---------------
Jane Siberry - Calling All Angels lyrics
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A man is placed upon the steps,
a baby cries
And high above him
you hear the church bells start to ring.
The heaviness, the heaviness of it settles in,
A mother starts to sing.
Then it's one foot then the other
as you step along the road
Steppin' on the road,
how much weight,
how much weight?
And it's how long
and how far and how many times,
Oh, before it's too late?
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels.
We're trying,
we're hoping,
but we're not sure how...
Oh and every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity.
Why it's almost as if, if you could only crack the code
You'd finally understand what this all means.
Oh but if you could, do you think you would
Have traded all the pain and suffering?
Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of the light upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels!
Walk me through this one,
don't leave me alone
Calling all angels,
calling all angels,
We're trying, we're hoping
but we're not sure...
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Calling all angels (call all angels)
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone.
Calling all angels,
Calling all angels
We're trying,
we're hoping,
we're hurting,
we're loving
We're crying,
we're calling,
But we're not sure how this goes."

SIGG bottles and BPA

2009-09-02T11:36:00.001-07:00

Check this out:
http://www.sigg.com/news-media/press-releases/press-releases-detail/ceo-letters-about-our-liners

I chose SIGG bottles specifically because I did not believe that they had BPA (a chemical used in some plastic bottles, and can linings, which is a known carcinogen found in high concentration in breast cancer tumors, among other things). Well, this month it has come to light that until August 2008, SIGG liners did indeed contain trace amounts of BPA. Since that time, they have changed, and newer SIGG bottles do not have BPA.

I am pleased that the company has corrected their policy, and that they are offering free bottles as replacements to existing customers. I'm gathering up my bottles and sending them in, and encourage you to do the same. Their website has shipping labels and information about returns, including how to tell if your bottle is the old style with BPA or the new, BPA style. (Hint: if you have a bronze interior on your bottle, it's the old style; if it's a matte finish yellow interior, it's the new style. But check out their website to learn more.)

I'm disappointed that it took a year for SIGG to advertise this information; I have used my Buddha bottle for well over a year, and I probably drank on average two full containers from it each day as my primary source for water. I'd given SIGG bottles as gifts, too, and I've talked up the company on here on my blog as a green alternative to plastic or one use bottles. Still, I am glad that the information is public now, and that the company is willing to take a loss to do what is right to correct the situation by replacing older bottles. The cost of shipping the bottles back is well worth it to me.

Since I left my Buddha bottle at the zoo last week, I need to get it back before I send mine in. I'll update on my response from SIGG after I've sent mine in and (hopefully) received replacements.

Catching up

2009-08-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't been online as much lately - not really sure why, just not in the mood.

We had a fabulous time at Cannon Beach. Sand castles, coffee, kites, run on the beach (me), bike rides (Ryan), and just those simple pleasures. We love the Surf Sand hotel that we go to.

And, treat of treats - we got to see the Shogrens! We ran into our old friends, and had some wonderful time together.

Now we're home, and doing small things...a BBQ with neighbors (fun), church (nice to be back), Farmer's Market, little house projects. We're eating a lot from our garden - today we harvested a nice basket of pears, and every day we're harvesting tomatoes, especially cherry tomatoes by the hundreds. (Matt's Wild Cherry is VERY prolific, for those who want to know.) Tonight I made pasta (fresh from the market) with zuchinni and crookneck (from Sarah's garden and ours, respectively), tomatoes (garden), basil (market), chantrelles (market), goat and parmesan cheese (TJs) with just a little garlilc, salt, and olive oil. Okay, a dab of butter too, I'll confess. Anyway, it was delicious, and tasted so amazingly fresh - not surprising, given that most of it had been picked that day.

On a more substantive note...
I am still struggling with medical issues. I spoke to my oncologist about my recent test results, and she told me (as I thought) that an FNA (fine needle aspiration) biopsy is not 100% definitive. My lymph nodes are still large, and we don't know why. I am not happy about the wait and see process if there might be cancer growing inside me - either lymphoma or breast cancer could do this. I have an appointment on September 10 to meet with my breast surgeon to discuss options. If she thinks it is advisable to wait, I will wait. If she thinks that I should have surgery to have the entire nodes (one at my sternum, resting on my lung, in the center of my chest; the other two deep in my armpit) removed/biopsied, I will do that. It would be a serious surgery, more scarring, more recovery. It goes without saying, I hope, that I dread the idea, and that I don't want to go under the knife again. Still, I will go with her recommendation because my onc and I are both on the fence about whether it's a good idea.

What a roller coaster. It makes my back tight just thinking about it.

Still, we are enjoying summer's lazy days. Yesterday Katie delivered a basket of plums, and I made two plum cakes for a BBQ, and gave her a basket of tomatoes in return. There is much to be grateful for.

Off to Portland/Cannon Beach

2009-08-24T09:14:00.001-07:00

We leave today for vacation - have a good week, everyone.

In the minority

2009-08-19T08:01:00.001-07:00

The bag fee did not pass:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/politics/2009686467_elexseabagfee19m.html

I'm disappointed. I am sure we have not heard the end of it, though, and I hope that one day we look back at this and say "things were sure different back then."

Some say that instead of having a twenty cent tax, we should just ban plastic bags. I'm okay with that, actually.